Rena asks “NML, I’ve recently met this really great guy – he’s gorgeous, sexy, funny, and I feel excited around him. I’ve been bumping into him for a while and we always flirt like crazy but it never seems to go anywhere. I don’t think he has a girlfriend but he does seem to flirt and pull back a little. He’s never actually asked me out. Some of my friends were saying he’s a playa but I think they might be being a bit hard on him as they don’t want me to get hurt. I decided to ask around with his friends and they say they think he just broke up with someone. I have read some of your posts before and you say we shouldn’t mess with guys who are just out of a relationship but I just know he’s interested! What should I do? Should I make a move on him? He might be shy or something!”
Rena…I don’t deal in a fluffiness so I have to tell it to you like it is. Be very careful of making excuses for a mans behaviour, especially one that you don’t actually know very well.
I can’t say exactly how you feel but the attributes you describe, whilst nice, plus the excitement you say you feel, don’t add up to much in the grander scheme of things if they don’t add up to something of more substance.
A guy that really wants you will ask you out. A guy who hasn’t got ‘other things’ going on will ask you out.
I don’t buy this “he might be shy” BS. Why? Because if he was that shy, he wouldn’t be flirting like crazy. Some (OK my blog buddy Lance) would say he hasn’t got any game or doesn’t know how to close, but..combined with some other things going on, you are around a guy who has ‘other things’ going on.
He’s just out of a break up. Unless the relationship was dead in the water already, he’s over her and he’s so crazy about you that he’s jumping into stake his claim, I’d hazard a guess that he’s just playing.
He’s dining off the attention.
The pulling back, the inconsistent behaviour, and the lack of action suggest the makings of a man who is emotionally unavailable. This could be temporary or it could be his regular thang and unfortunately, you’ll only find out whether it is temporary or whether he’s a Mr Unavailable when it is far too late if you continue to pursue the man who is not showing many signs of wanting to be pursued.
Flirting is quite easy for some people. Flirting is also subjective.
How many opposite sex friendships have had the waters muddied when all that laughing, giggling, and feeling like you both totally get each other has been mistaken for ‘flirting’ and ended up with an injured party being knocked back.
As he so very clearly isn’t shy, I personally wouldn’t go asking him out.
I don’t know what “just” means in terms of him breaking up with someone, but it’s recent enough for the guys to say “just” so I suggest you “just” leave it.
I also don’t know what the “think” bit is about either. You either know he broke up with someone or he didn’t. I think your friends are probably right to suspect that he may have a bit of playa-itis.
Instead of being armed and ready for a great flirtation next time you bump into him, restrain some of that eagerness, not only because you are likely to reveal his true intentions but also because he sounds like one of these guys who won’t come running if you make it easy for him.
Don’t end up being the girl on a piece of string that he toys with. Don’t make the move. And when you meet guys that appear to flirt and act ambiguous, come out of the rose tinted haze and ask some questions. Don’t commit to being crazy about somebody until you know what you’re dealing with.
It’s as simple as “So what’s the deal with you? Are you dating somebody?”
And yes, there is a reason why I say don’t mess with guys that have just broken up with their girlfriends. You are not the woman to make it all better and whether you are a man or a woman, you need to get yourself over the other person and the break up before starting up anything else.