This is probably one of the most common questions that I am asked by women and it seems that no matter what some of you know about yourselves and him, you’re still curious. I’m not surprised…
Most women who took the time to search for information that led them to this site were looking for answers and more importantly, a solution. Admittedly though, I suspect that the ideal solution that many want to hear is one that involves:
You changing and him having a thunderbolt moment where he realises it’s love.
A step by step guide to catching him and keeping him.
Some all joyous news that says with a bit of patience, he will change.
This is the reality: IF he changes and that is a pretty big damn if, it won’t because you stuck at his side pushing your love on him and trying to extract the relationship that you want out of him.
If he changes, you’re still the same person and if you want to be with a man like this, it’s an indicator that you have issues that you need to resolve.
This idea that when they fix, heal, and help themselves and realise the potential you’ve projected on them, that YOU will suddenly feel wonderful is BS. It takes more than him changing for you to be happy and in believing this you place all of the responsibility on an external party for your happiness.
If he changes, he’ll have had to have had something really major happen that switches him from disconnected to connected. What would he do with you then? He’ll want something that reflects his connected, positive life, and that’s unlikely to be you.
Everyone has the capacity for change, but many people don’t because they either don’t believe that they have to change (stubborn), are unaware that they have to change (sometimes deluded), or they have no actual need to change.
Now in the case of Mr Unavailables, clearly they have issues, but one of the things that we as women must accept about men is that it is not down to us to decide that they should change and how they must achieve it.
Men are not children. Many are assclowns with some serious emotional issues that could give them an emotional age that is less than a child’s but it doesn’t mean that women should treat men like they have no clue what they really want and that it’s down for us to decide it.
If you keep trying to raise men from the ground up, trying to get them to change by silently staying at their side saying ‘I love you, I love, love me, love me’ or staying loudly at their side saying ‘If you loved me you’d change. I love you so why don’t your appreciate it?’
Sometimes it takes something really negative to happen for someone to change. I know that one assclown too many was my tipping point, and other have changed because in spending time on their own and confronting some issues about themselves, they felt ready to lead a more connected life.
The reality is that no matter how innocent you think the question of whether they change is; on some level, the great majority of women that ask this question are secretly hoping for a miracle so that they don’t have to opt out of the relationship or dalliance with him.
Hard to hear but true.
It is easier to focus on what you think he needs to do rather than look a little closer to home.
But let me ask you something:
Why do you believe that you know what the solution is to a guy?
The changes that we expect from men are all intrinsically tied to the expectation that they change so that they can love you.
But if you truly love someone and you want them to have real, positive, change, you have to set yourself up for the possibility that it may not include you in their plans, much like if you experience real, positive, change, that they are unlikely to fit in with your life.
If the change that you expect from men comes with strings, i.e. an expectation that you are going to be granted entry into their house of love, you’re expecting too much and betting on potential again.
So back to the original question of do emotionally unavailable men change?
Some do, most don’t. They’re morphers shifting in and out of roles to suit the agenda. As everything is ego driven, don’t be surprised to hear marriage proposals and declarations of love when they suddenly realise they’re not that hot or young anymore and everyone else has settled. They’ll blow hot for a while and then instead of retreating and disappearing, they retreat…but you live in the same house with them and start feeling like everything is a battle.
Ultimately, if they change, it is because something huge happens that makes it difficult to return to old behaviours or opens up a floodgate of connection. They don’t do it with the certainty that there is a steadfast Fallback Girl waiting in the wings for them because there’s no incentive to change.
When people do change, it’s because being around someone or at a particular stage of life makes them want to be the best that they can be and try harder. Unfortunately in the case of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, together, a negative plus a negative, equals a double negative.
The best solution to this? You work on your issues, do a whole load of forgiveness, boost your self-esteem, live a life where you are committed to you and self-love, and radiating positivity, and then see if you still want the same guy…
Want to know more about emotionally unavailable men? Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is the book for you!