When someone tells you who they are or shows you though their actions (or lack of them), make sure you’re listening and watching. Remove the rose tinted glasses and the fur coat of denial, and don’t second guess what is often a load of bullsh*t on the part of these guys.
I’ve taken the liberty of gathering up your comments (where they’ve been similar, I’ve joined them up and some have been answered in previous posts) and over this post and the following part two, here are 24 golden statements translated:
He says: I don’t know how I feel right now…at least not anything I can commit to.
Translation: I don’t know how I feel. I can’t commit to an outcome whether that’s to say how I do or don’t feel about you. I am confused. I’m worried that if I say how I don’t feel, you’ll leave and I want you around while I make up my mind, but if I say how I do feel, you might want, need, or expect too much from me.
I say: This guy may be genuinely confused, experiencing panic, or questioning his feelings. Or…he may be hedging his bets. Either way, he doesn’t know how he feels and while this isn’t a crime, it puts you in a really precarious position. If they’re the dubious kind, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Stay and you’ll be made to feel needy if you ask questions, go and they’ll chase you. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll appreciate that it’s best to either give him some space, or agree a definitive time for him to either decide or go.
He says: I want to be with you but I am suspicious of white people.
Translation: I’m tempted by you like forbidden fruit but the fact that you are white and I do not trust white people means that I cannot be with you and will treat you with distrust. More importantly though, I don’t possess the balls to tell you that I’m not that interested in you. It seems easier to blame it on something you can’t do anything about and make it seem like it’s just the ‘wrong’ skin colour that stands between you.
I say: Oh hell no! Run! You’re fundamentally incompatible. Do you really want to train someone to start trusting an entire race? How can you as one person change his view of all white people? That’s one mighty task and along the way, your sense of self will be eroded while you seek validation. You guys have different values and to continue to pursue him would be like ignoring who you are as a person.
This is also like the race version of ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Either way it’s a lame excuse and the core message is stop chasing me.
He says: I have a STD and I run from relationships.
Translation: I have a sexually transmitted disease, I don’t do commitment, and I prefer things casual – if this gets too serious, I’ll run and I may leave you with a ‘gift’ as well!
I say: Really, in nine words, this man has given every reason why you should not be interested in him. There’s nothing to read between the lines here – it is what it is. Let him go about his business being all casual and getting STD’s – don’t invite it into your own life. Unless you want a STD or you want to be run from, why would you stay? While hopefully his STD can be cured, which is what you may be banking on, the fact that he runs from relationships is not a task that you should really take on. Tell him to come back when he’s STD free and is prepared to stop running. In the meantime, you should be running from this relationship.
He says: I’ll live and die alone
Translation: I believe that I’ll end up alone and my behaviour reflects this and I will ensure through my actions and lack of them that I drive everyone away. I want to be alone so you will not be sticking around for long.
I say: He’s very pessimistic but I find invariably, people who say this are looking for attention but also have a level of awareness that don’t treat people around them that well. Unless he addresses why he believes this and adapts his mindset, he’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy while screwing up other people’s lives.
He says: I’ve failed you and you definitely deserve someone who can love you wholeheartedly.
Translation: I have failed you and you deserve someone who loves you. Period – that’s not me. I know my limitations. If you have any sense, you’ll end it.
I say: The man is telling you that he wants out of the relationship in a very roundabout way. By saying this, he hopes you’ll take the baton and call time on things. If you stay, you’ll be on a reduced service. You may think that he’s telling you this because of his doubts but it’s important to split the message –
1) He believes that he has failed you
2) Perceived failure aside, either way, he does not love you. He may love you a little, but it’s certainly not a lot, or enough.
I hope one day if I am ready, you are still available for me
He says: I still care for you.
Translation: I care for you but I don’t love you, however I think that being the type of person that you are, you’ll really appreciate these crumbs of feelings that I have for you.
I say: Let him care from a distance. Guys that say this often use it as a way to keep a foothold in your life while disrupting it. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he’s being reserved about his feelings – he says ‘care’ to ensure you don’t get the wrong idea. You have friends that can ‘care’ about you – you don’t need another one, especially one who may feel like using you up at will.
He says: I have never loved someone so much and you have taught me what real love is.
Translation: I’ve loved as much as I’m capable of loving (which may not actually be that much) and you have shown me the potential of what love could be…but I don’t want it. I’ll now skip on down the road to someone new and use my new found experience.
I say: If he’s a Mr Unavailable and/or and assclown, if he truly has never felt like this, why hasn’t that inspired him to adapt his behaviour? Unless of course real love and the stuff that comes with it like commitment isn’t on the agenda…
He says: I don’t want to ruin what we have.
Translation: I know me and I’m likely to screw this up. The longer we’re together, the more of the real me you’ll see or the more you’ll want, need, and expect from me and discover I can’t deliver. I’m afraid of progressing.
I say: If you guys genuinely have something good, this person may be afraid of it being good. Hopefully they’ll overcome it, but if they have a habit of being like this, they’re likely to sabotage any goodness due to their fear of commitment. If what you ‘have’ isn’t all that good anyway, this shows someone who is a tad deluded and believes he’s ruining a ‘loaf’ when really it’s crumbs…
He says: You’re too good for me.
Translation: Why are you with me? I chanced my arm to be with you but never thought a woman like you would notice me – what’s wrong with you? In fact, there must be something wrong with you if you’re with me because I know I’m no good.
He says: You could have someone so much better than me.
Translation: I know that I am punching above my weight here – you should want more for yourself.
He says: I can’t believe someone like you is with me.
Translation: By my reckoning, you shouldn’t be with me. I see you as A/B/C but if you’re interested in me, maybe you’re X/Y/Z. Maybe you’re not as great as I thought you were/you make yourself out to be. What’s the catch? I’m going to let my disbelief derail the relationship.
I say: The trouble with the previous three statements is that either they don’t believe in themselves and have low self-worth or they don’t believe in you. You’re being put on a dangerous pedestal where the only place to look is down. That’s not a good place for you or them. They’re either not seeing you in a realistic light or they are, and know that they actually mean you no good. They are likely to undermine the relationship, take pot shots at your self-esteem, and bring you down to their level. It’s either that, or their distrust of the situation will kill off the relationship as it’s mentally exhausting doing constant reassurance. You need them to believe in themselves, you, and the relationship.
He says: I wanted to love you.
Translation: I wanted to love you but either could find it within myself to or created reasons not to, however, I’m gonna let you think that it’s something you’ve done that’s prevented me from ‘loving you’. I’ve tried really hard to convince myself that I love you but I can’t.
I say: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, burn up your energies trying to sell yourself or convince someone of your worthiness. Wanting, being, and doing are very different things. Some people ‘want’ to be in a relationship but they don’t want to do the work. Some people want to be in a relationship and say they want to love and be loved, but they undermine it by sabotaging it due to their fears and poor love habits. Don’t get things twisted and believe it’s something you’ve ‘done’.
Your thoughts?
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i really like the decoding posts, NML – since i belong to those that take words too literally and sometimes have trouble understanding the subtexts. in particular, this statement struck a cord:
“He says: I don’t know how I feel right now…at least not anything I can commit to.”
would love it if you could expound on that a bit more sometime, along with its variations, i.e: “there’s so much i love about you, but something feels wrong and i don’t know what it is and it may very well be nothing or merely something that has nothing to do with us – just me; regardless, i simply can’t seem to be able to put my finger on it yet…”
obviously, for someone who tends to take things literally, statements like these can make your head explode from confusion and then ache sorely, indefinitely.
lastly, have a question about a few statements in the above post that are “outrageous no matter what the context,” specifically about the “context” part. wouldn’t context significantly change some of them, like for instance:
“I have never loved someone so much and you have taught me what real love is”? because if it isn’t an “exit” statement/line, wouldn’t it be a good thing to hear from the person you love; affirming that your bond is loving, healthy and solid? i kind of was hoping that i’ll get the chance to say that to someone myself one day, knowing that (a lot with NML’s help) my previous relationships haven’t been too sane because there were things that i hadn’t understood about myself yet and who i chose as partners. or am i reading this too literally, again? 🙂
and thank you NML for the brilliant work, as always!
Years ago a friend quoted advice from her off the boat Italian Mother….”If a man tells you are too good for him…..believe him and run the other direction.”
Why do we women put such lousy men on such high pedestals. It must be the bonding hormones from sex….it can’t be from logic. Now I see the sense in delaying sex….another quote….this one from a funny priest……The higher the monkey goes on the tree…the easier it is too see his ass!”
@valley forge lady.
My family is from Jamaica, WI and we have a very similar saying: They higher monkey climb the more ‘im show ‘is behind. LOL
NML love the post… as usual it’s brilliant
“i’m suspicious of white people” hilarious…not too suspicious for that booty call though, I bet. These men are a joke!!
Thanks for the insight and the laughs!
Hi NML,
great posts 🙂 would you translate mine?
“I was torn between very much wanting to be with you and this overwhelming feeling of needing to leave, in the end I couldn’t fight the battle anymore”
so he did leave, he blew hot and cold a lot. He would worry about everything, real, not real and 5 years into the dam future!
When I suggested towards the end “perhaps you need to leave, u seem to be in pain all the time”
he begged me to please hold on “I know I love you and want you in my life, I just need to figure out how”
He left anyway and since the day he left, 9 months ago has not really let go. Tried to constantly be friends and so forth.
I did NC for 7 months and I’ve learnt and worked through all my pain, head on.
He was in a nasty bike accident, I sent my wishes on a quick recovery. We have chatted a bit via email. He is still pushing for friends. His emails are trying to forge a connection, using old sayings we once used, telling everything he has been up to, trying to help me with stuff, asking to meet for a cuppa and sending me a picture of him and his triathlon team. Saying things about himself then saying but you no that about me.
Plus all excited to see me and say hi, we work together.
I feel nothing, no connection but I get the feeling he never really made his mind up about us and still hasn’t let go.
And why shouldn’t he, I was freakin amazing! His loss.
It’s been a good test for me Nat, becaused I work with him I felt like I was hiding and am I really over him?
Talking to him and not hiding anymore proved I was. I’m very happy to say.
He us a very anxious person, would always say things like “I’m not strong enough, to week”
and the most telling of all comments ” I’m worried I might be sabotaging things” this was said on one of his cold spells.
This was a person of big highs where everything was amazing and I was perfect and huge lows where he suddenly wasn’t sure. He could not seem to weather any normal disagreements or normal relationship misunderstandings which would the cause the withdrawals and lows. This had me on eggshells.
One thing he said when he left infuriated me, “because of you I now no there are good people in the world and can now trust people”
his x cheated on him.
Glad I was able to help prick !!!
Take care 🙂
Trinity,
I think that there must be a handbook out there somewhere where all these EUM AC’s get their dialogue. Mine has said all those things to me as well. I don’t work with him, and I don’t know how you got to the other side of things. I admire your strength and growth. But the one thing that did resonate to me was “I was amazing”! I was amazing too…how he could walk away without a single twitch of remorse is beyond me. How mine just thought that if he dated and had sex with other women he would find out what was missing in him!!! Can you believe he even uttered those words to me, and then thought that it would be okay? OH YEAH it was probably because I always went back like a fool..Thinking I can make him see how wonderful I am, but he never really did. Only his family and friends could and would tell him that. I know that you cant make a man love you, but I didn’t think I was trying to make him love me, I was just loving him hoping that he would join me.
So where is he tonight? on a date! I saw him…painful for me exhilarating for him….I hope he gets a taste of his own medicine….again (like his wives did cheating on him) until he gets it right in not trying to hurt a woman and thinking its okay. Until he understands that’s is not just a warm body that will do…its a women with a heart that will and can love him that he has to hold on to.
@NML
Thanks again for a wonderful post! I loved how you explained this (since I believe it was my post that you got it from):
“He says: I don’t know how I feel right now…at least not anything I can commit to.”
Before he said the above, he also told me that since we had broke up (2 months before) he felt ok and because he felt ok he “thought that perhaps he wasn’t as in love as he thought he was”. When we talked again in a few weeks he said the above about “not knowing how he feels… at least not anything he could commit to”. I believe he wanted to keep me in ambiguity land and “on ice” so to speak so that he could do whatever he wanted (perhaps date etc) and then have me sitting there waiting if it didn’t work out for him.
I sure am learning lots through this whole debacle. I will definitely know the signs to look for in my next relationship.
TJ
@nml
Now I have found out my ex has been seeing someone…
So I guess when he was saying he “doesn’t know how he feels… at least nothing he can commit to” … what that really must mean is that he was hoping to slot me into a fallback position just in case his new relationship didn’t work out.
thoughts?
TJ
You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, Natalie 🙂
I agree wholeheartedly with that! You certainly brought a whole lot of peace to my life!
.-= j´s last blog ..assumption/compassion fail =-.
I love these posts!
some of those were hilarious in the absurdity of it. yeah, my ex would always say, ‘i’ve been told i’m an a-hole. i’ve been told i am selfish’. yeah, you bet, buddy. you have to cringe at how devoid of what’s real you must be to stay with someone who describes themselves in such a negative light. there has to be big truth in such statements. i sure don’t go around talking about names i may have been called by exes in the past. and that’s because i’ve not heard them often enough to actually believe or accept them.
@ Gigi
I really feel for you.
I never ever went back. I did try to stay friends for awhile but it was not good for me. Effectively I was putting up with the same crap only has friends. Screw that ! So I hit NC hard core.
How I got through to the other side was with hard work. I kept away from him even at work, this was tuff coz my painfully past was always right there in the same room. I did loads of writing in journals, believed in myself, worked out my own bad patterns, got councelling, got advice from this forum and I didn’t shy away from the grief process. I hit it head on and it was scary and painful. I read a lot about the grief process as well so I’d understand what I was going through. My friends really helped and people at work were amazing to me, very loyal 🙂
My x didn’t run to other women so thankfully it’s one pain I didn’t have to go through. His family still love me and I them but I had to let them go. I get the occassional email letting me know they still care, that’s nice.
I’m only just stepping out from the other side, all the grief. I still have a sook here and there. Right now I’m learning to enjoy the space that’s been left, the peace. I’ve had 3 months or confusing turmoil followed by 9 months of grief and hardwork. That’s takes up a lot of space. When things finally got quiet I felt frightened, lost? But it’s a normal feeling, so now I’m embrassing my peace 🙂 I deserve it.
Good luck 🙂
LOL mine made the list! lol lol
great post as always NML, love it. keep ’em coming
My AC said he was the car but his engine was broken (I am assuming his ability to love and care about someone is his engine?)… that is why he can do relationships. I told him to go fix his engine.
My recent kept asking me to “help him be a better person.” But whenever I did so, he would get mad at me. After we broke up he said my opinion wasn’t worth anything.
Some of my lines made it in this post too, thanks Nat for decoding them. I think you are spot on with the self-esteem stuff, his is very low. Took me a while to realize this. That is also why he spoke about others in usually negative ways and criticized me alot, to make himself feel better.
When you think of it this way you can take what they say less personally.
Oh he did sabotage it and I had no clue because I always meant what I said and it never entered my mind that not everyone does. And yes I was and have been a dreamer and believed in the biblical see the good in others completely. Got horribly stuck that way.
Here are another couple good lines:
“If only I didn’t like you so much!”
“I have feelings for you”
These are dodgy men, and we fall for what seems in our eyes to be someone who is vulnerable and just needs a good woman to love them. This is false. These men are clearly stating they aren’t committed and want us around just for convenience.
Value yourself more, and hold strong on your boundaries and break the circle that keeps you stuck and involving yourself with EUM’s. We all deserve better than that.
For the six months we lived together, my Mr. Emotionally Unavailable used to say, “I love you, but I don’t know what to do with you.” Then he cheated on me, and I figured out what to do with him.
He says: You’re too good for me.
He says: You could have someone so much better than me.
He says: I can’t believe someone like you is with me.
My last AC/EUM said all of the sentences above to me. I ran like hell as soon as possible. His self-esteem is so bad, I couldn’t trust him to do the right thing for the relationship and to me.
What I am trying to figure out is why I went after this guy. Although the relationship was short, less than 3 months and we didn’t have sex, I have the “90 day warranty” in place meaning, a guy must last at least 90 days with me in good standing in able for me to have sex with him. I believe he deceived me by being “nice and ideal” on the outside, but yet, once I got in through the door, he was a mess inside.
Thank you
Sherry