Last year I wrote a post about whether ‘He’s just not that into you’ is another description for emotionally unavailable and I feel that over a year later, 194 comments, and a couple of ebooks later, that it is time to revisit this subject.
Mr Unavailable is as into you as he is capable of being into you.
When he’s blowing hot, he’s into the idea of pursuit and capture. When he’s blowing lukewarm he’s into the idea of retreat and managing down your expectations so that you don’t expect, want, or need anything from him. When he’s blowing damn cold, he’s into the idea of disappearing, trying his luck on some other hapless Fallback Girl, or manipulating you into jumping to his beat.
Emotionally unavailable men only do what suits them and they do not take responsibility for their actions. If you’re around them, they assume that you like being treated like sh*t or that they have communicated with you by osmosis or through some broken down telepathy that it’s never gonna happen between you both. In the meantime, if you still love his unavailable and even shady self, he’s not going to turn down a shag, an ego stroke, some attention, and basically the opportunity to milk the situation for all it is worth.
This is how this type of man operates. Period.
Emotionally unavailable men are disconnected from their actions which are in contradiction with their words, and their inability to connect in an emotionally healthy manner means that they can’t be into you in a healthy way.
When Miranda in SATC first used the phrase ‘He’s just not that into me’ after Berger (God I can’t stand him) explained why the guy didn’t want to come up to her apartment because he had an early meeting, it opened up the floodgate as it suddenly gave meaning to all of those times when we as women have been the ‘victims’ of mixed signals, or never hearing from a guy again.
The trouble is, as women, we have a rather tricky habit of attaching meaning to, and finding meaning in anything from blank canvasses to, well, blank men.
I’m going to be really honest with you – guys will date you and even have an ongoing relationship with you when they are not interested. Shock horror… But it’s true. They have often made the (private) decision to themselves that it’s never going to go anywhere, although sometimes they’ll be kind enough to drop hints, or will even straight up say that they’re not interested…but then keep phoning, looking for a hook-up and keeping a foot in your life.
If you are with a guy who is Mr Unavailable, it means that he is habitually emotionally unavailable. It’s not just a simple case of ducking and diving out of the opportunity to come into your place. These guys don’t like commitment and they don’t like confrontation, so even though they don’t see you in ‘that way’, they don’t see anything wrong with enjoying the ride whilst it lasts.
Mr Unavailable makes all of the right noises to snare you and then when you remind him of those noises, he tells you misheard him or misinterpreted him.
But we have to start asking ourselves the big question:
Why do women all over the world, whether they are in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond give a damn about why a man who isn’t interested in them, isn’t interested in them?
This goes beyond men who we have a barely there relationship with; I get emails from women who are obsessing about a guy that they met last week who hasn’t called when he said he would.
Have women been raised and trained to believe that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again with the same guy and stick at his side like glue till he comes round to your way of thinking?
Why do we love men that don’t love us? Why are we interested in men that aren’t interested in us?
Are we losing our minds?
What I realised three years ago today on my 28th birthday (yeah I’m 31 today) is I don’t really give a flying f*ck about why a guy isn’t interested in me. The fact that he’s not interested or he’s saying he is but he’s showing that he isn’t, is enough for me to know that it is time opt out. When I realised that I had been in Yet Another Dodgy Relationship and 5 months had gone by and I had no clue what the hell was going on, I realised that we could talk till the cows came home, and I could analyse why he wasn’t interested and why he may or may not be behaving in certain ways, but I realised that this would be a total waste of my time.
Why do I need to know why a guy isn’t ‘into’ me? So I can change myself to suit? So I can try harder? Hell no! If he’s not trying with me, why the hell am I assuming that it’s something that is wrong with me? In fact, why do I care?
In fact, why do YOU care?
Dating is not a sales job. This is not about objection handling and riding the pony till it collapses.
So we have to start asking ourselves ladies:
As we go through life expending serious brain wattage on Mr Unavailables and even assclowns, their much shadier variety, and trying to analyse their behaviour, we have to ask ourselves, is this the life we want? And most importantly, why do we care about these men?
Does it really matter why he’s just not that into you? Or is it that what really matters is why you’re still interested and trying to find a solution to man who doesn’t want you?
The lesson to be learned from this: If you are with a man who blows hot and cold, says he’s not interested but is still lurking, and basically anything that is a sign of disinterest is bad news. Don’t look for meaning, understanding, or hope that he’ll turn from a cockroach, into a frog, into a prince. If he’s just not that into you, you shouldn’t be into him.