Last year I wrote a post about whether ‘He’s just not that into you’ is another description for emotionally unavailable and I feel that over a year later, 194 comments, and a couple of ebooks later, that it is time to revisit this subject.
Mr Unavailable is as into you as he is capable of being into you.
When he’s blowing hot, he’s into the idea of pursuit and capture. When he’s blowing lukewarm he’s into the idea of retreat and managing down your expectations so that you don’t expect, want, or need anything from him. When he’s blowing damn cold, he’s into the idea of disappearing, trying his luck on some other hapless Fallback Girl, or manipulating you into jumping to his beat.
Emotionally unavailable men only do what suits them and they do not take responsibility for their actions. If you’re around them, they assume that you like being treated like sh*t or that they have communicated with you by osmosis or through some broken down telepathy that it’s never gonna happen between you both. In the meantime, if you still love his unavailable and even shady self, he’s not going to turn down a shag, an ego stroke, some attention, and basically the opportunity to milk the situation for all it is worth.
This is how this type of man operates. Period.
Emotionally unavailable men are disconnected from their actions which are in contradiction with their words, and their inability to connect in an emotionally healthy manner means that they can’t be into you in a healthy way.
When Miranda in SATC first used the phrase ‘He’s just not that into me’ after Berger (God I can’t stand him) explained why the guy didn’t want to come up to her apartment because he had an early meeting, it opened up the floodgate as it suddenly gave meaning to all of those times when we as women have been the ‘victims’ of mixed signals, or never hearing from a guy again.
The trouble is, as women, we have a rather tricky habit of attaching meaning to, and finding meaning in anything from blank canvasses to, well, blank men.
I’m going to be really honest with you – guys will date you and even have an ongoing relationship with you when they are not interested. Shock horror… But it’s true. They have often made the (private) decision to themselves that it’s never going to go anywhere, although sometimes they’ll be kind enough to drop hints, or will even straight up say that they’re not interested…but then keep phoning, looking for a hook-up and keeping a foot in your life.
If you are with a guy who is Mr Unavailable, it means that he is habitually emotionally unavailable. It’s not just a simple case of ducking and diving out of the opportunity to come into your place. These guys don’t like commitment and they don’t like confrontation, so even though they don’t see you in ‘that way’, they don’t see anything wrong with enjoying the ride whilst it lasts.
Mr Unavailable makes all of the right noises to snare you and then when you remind him of those noises, he tells you misheard him or misinterpreted him.
But we have to start asking ourselves the big question:
Why do women all over the world, whether they are in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond give a damn about why a man who isn’t interested in them, isn’t interested in them?
This goes beyond men who we have a barely there relationship with; I get emails from women who are obsessing about a guy that they met last week who hasn’t called when he said he would.
Have women been raised and trained to believe that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again with the same guy and stick at his side like glue till he comes round to your way of thinking?
Why do we love men that don’t love us? Why are we interested in men that aren’t interested in us?
Are we losing our minds?
What I realised three years ago today on my 28th birthday (yeah I’m 31 today) is I don’t really give a flying f*ck about why a guy isn’t interested in me. The fact that he’s not interested or he’s saying he is but he’s showing that he isn’t, is enough for me to know that it is time opt out. When I realised that I had been in Yet Another Dodgy Relationship and 5 months had gone by and I had no clue what the hell was going on, I realised that we could talk till the cows came home, and I could analyse why he wasn’t interested and why he may or may not be behaving in certain ways, but I realised that this would be a total waste of my time.
Why do I need to know why a guy isn’t ‘into’ me? So I can change myself to suit? So I can try harder? Hell no! If he’s not trying with me, why the hell am I assuming that it’s something that is wrong with me? In fact, why do I care?
In fact, why do YOU care?
Dating is not a sales job. This is not about objection handling and riding the pony till it collapses.
So we have to start asking ourselves ladies:
As we go through life expending serious brain wattage on Mr Unavailables and even assclowns, their much shadier variety, and trying to analyse their behaviour, we have to ask ourselves, is this the life we want? And most importantly, why do we care about these men?
Does it really matter why he’s just not that into you? Or is it that what really matters is why you’re still interested and trying to find a solution to man who doesn’t want you?
The lesson to be learned from this: If you are with a man who blows hot and cold, says he’s not interested but is still lurking, and basically anything that is a sign of disinterest is bad news. Don’t look for meaning, understanding, or hope that he’ll turn from a cockroach, into a frog, into a prince. If he’s just not that into you, you shouldn’t be into him.
Your thoughts?
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Happy Birthday NML!!
If he’s just not that into you, you shouldn’t be into him. We are the cause of our pain over these men, trying to analyze, going along with that “relationship”, hoping for a change. Pride should keep us from chasing these men and let them blow hot and cold to manipulate us. Sometimes, I wonder, could it be the fact that “we can’t have them” that makes us try harder
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NML!!!!
once again you have given it to us straight no chaser. a wonderful article no doubt. enjoy you bday!!!
Happy B-day NML! Again you hit the nail right on the head. I remember a couple of conversations with my ex-EUM where I said to him, “You need to value me.” Ok, if you have to actually say these words to someone because they are not getting that concept, something is very wrong!
Happy Birthday, NML !
Understanding that these men KNOW they don’t want to have a real relationship wioth us, and yet are willing to use us, and then disconnect/not take responsibility for what they have said should keep us fleeing in the other direction with disgust.
I think where I’ve gone wrong is ASSUMING he’s a good real genuine person, and putting meaning onto him – where the reality is there was nothing but a shallow manipulating Emotionally Unavaialable phony there.
I cared what he thought because I didn’t care enough about myself and what I thought of being treated so shabbily. Heck, I didn’t even REALIZE I was being treated badly !!! i WAS TOO USED TO BE STARVED.
Having self-esteem ought to mean being totally uninterested in someone who isn’t interested in me – for whatever reason. I don’t need to convince him I’m valuable. If he’s blindto my worth, and I’m smart – I’ll look for someone with good vision to appreciate what I have to offer.
NML – I wish you Happy Birthday as well! This piece reminded me of a situation with my eum last year. I remembered 8 months into my rel with him he stood me up for a wedding he told me he would attend. It just didnt make sense after all he said I meant to him & all the constant emails about wishing he was with me & “missed me” so much that he would call me an hour before the wedding to tell me he had work demands. Tthere were “signs” that he didnt have both feet in the rel. I just didnt understand the contradictions at the time.It didnt make sense. I tried to rationalize it assuming it was due to his separation. What I should have said looking back is “When you are ready to put both feet into this let me know. Until then I think it would be best that we discontinue this so called relationship”. Early on I did say that once & he freaked & started blowing hot right off the bat! BOY do I wish I knew then what I know now! I would have kept running! I think as Fallback girls it is hard sometimes to make the dinstinction early on plus our self esteems don’t want to allow the thought to enter our minds that he must not want to truly be with us based on everything he has said. Also fo the the distance made it even more difficult to assess his behavior. Anyway – great piece!
WOW wow! what an extraordinary piece. It really hit home and I wish I could tatoo it on my forehead. I was involved with a mm, a childhood sweetheart, and I fell hard. I tried all this changing business to hopefully make myself more desireable, all I ever was to him was a roll in the hay. We had a long distance relationship on top of it all. This made it easier for him to carry on with at least one other woman, in addition to his wife. I’m trying so hard to leave the bastard behind.
This website and your writings NML have been a Godsend to me. I hope all of us strong and beautiful women here will soon be leaving all this garbage behind us. Life is too beautiful to linger with these cockroaches. What continues to amaze me is that so very many of our stories are SO similar.
HAPPY, HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS! Keep up the extraordinary work, you have no idea how many lives you’ve affected and, well, saved. Thank you!
Abril – childhood sweetheart? Fell hard? Long distance? Seriously weird! MM? He was seperated but not divorced yet. Maybe we were dating the same guy! LOL So similar to my story. It was a great piece! I’m sure NML wants to shake me sometimes reading my posts! I am trying not to care! I really am! I have never been good at moving past anything. That is my biggest prob! Take care!
I read this piece outloud to myself. Seems to make it sink in better that way. Then I looked myself in the mirror and read it again, like NML was saying it to me. Made me feel a whole lot stronger. Since I can’t tatoo it on my forehead, this is helpful to me. Maybe it can help someone else to have this ”talk” with yourself.
This site has helped me start cutting the ”ties” that I have built w/this person. (all in my own mind) My NC is getting better too…I’m not 100%, but I’m getting real close. Haven’t talked or responded to him in 2 weeks.
Kim, let’s hang in there. We can be strong when we need to be! I LOVE this forum.Take care all.
A very happy b’day to you, NML. Here’s to another year of you saving women, just like you did for me and many other women who read this site.
I am doing great with NC with my EUM (though, I’ll confess that it’s mostly because he hasn’t contacted me since I’ve moved out of state). I just need to raise my self-esteem. Unfortunately, he’s not the first EUM I’ve been with. He’s just the one that was around when I finally found this site!
Something I’d like you to consider addressing, NML (or even some of you commenters) – do EUMen ever change? I know a few who’ve gotten married. Granted, I’m not privy to what their relationship is really like. I’m honestly not looking for excuses to get back with any of my EUMen. But I meet men and have friends who date men who seem to have EUM pasts – does that automatically mean we should write them off, or can they change?
Amy, the idea with EUM’s changing, is that it does happen, but only when they’re ready to. It’s the same with us fallback girls. When we finally realize that we’ll never be happy until we discover who we are and build our self esteem we don’t change either. Also as NML has said many times before, even if this guy made a change while with you, he will equate you with the past and if you haven’t changed at the same time too, he will still drop you, because you represent the EUM he used to be since you’re still trying to play the roll of the fallbackgirl. It took me a while to get it, but emotionally available men stay with women who feel good about themselves and make them feel good. A man won’t stay with a woman who makes him feel bad no matter what the other qualities are. If only we took that same principle and apply it to us, the first time these ass clowns start showing their true colors and start making us feel bad about ourselves we would kick them to the curb too.
OK, I agonized over it. I thought he is very different, very special. For 2+ years I followed your blog – loved it, and now I bought and read your book – loved it, too (except that I wished there was a clear visual structure to parts and chapters). The only thing that I miss in this system is: Asperger’s Syndrome. Spell it out. You are right, NML. For us who are relationship-centered, they are not good match, EUM, or Asperger’s, or any other human condition the man can have which prevents him from communicating.
Today’s entry’s description is also somewhat consistent with how highly functioning autistic people (non)relate to others. The fact is, most today’s adults with Asperger’s remain undiagnosed and have learned to cope, so their condition is not apparent. So now I am left soul-empty, understanding it was not me, not him, it was his brain. I feel guilty for myself, for agonising, and for in fact thinking that I was a fallback girl. Maybe a disclaimer of differentiation between Fallback Girl and “Cassandra affective deprivation disorder” is in order soon. Thanks for everything.
Nikki – thanks for your reply. That (coupled with NML’s recent post about EUMs never changing) makes SO much sense. Onward and upward! I’m STILL a work in progress! 😉
I have pondered this question for the past few weeks why am I still interested in an EUM who totally disrespected me Im not in love with him so its not that..
Somewhere deep inside I think its that I want a return on my investment no wants to invest themselves in someone and come away with pain as the only return so maybe by going back we keep hoping this time it will not end in pain but in some kind of happiness.
I have looked back over my past relationships and seem to only invest in the ones that start out with the I’m not into any long term investment with you I am not the one for you hell I won’t even call you my girlfriend.. these words well they make me try soo soooo hard changing myself but of course the goal posts always move so you never do measure up… argh its frustrating because I see this pattern yet there I am being pathetic and still trying for a better return on what Ive invested in.
Then if I do meet a worthwhile guy well I couldn’t be away fast enough.. silly me !!
And its so true EUMs hate any confrontation because they don’t have a leg to stand on they are weak characters ho simply for whatever reason have not grown up. Recantly I have confronted my EUM over a number of issues and he has weakly defended his position so why oh why can’t I just shut him off and not give a damn about him ?? Why does it always take me the long hard road before I accept defeat and let go and move on ???
It’s time for you to invest in yourself. When you truly believe in yourself. Your well being no longer becomes contingent on whether or not someone else accepts you. I started writing post it notes to myself and tacked them everywhere, on doors mirrors, in them I wrote to myself how wonderful,special, and beautiful l I am. I wrote to myself that someone else’s shortcomings are not a reflection on me as a person. I wrote that I have more to offer than what’s below the belt. After a while these phrases stuck in my head. It works. It gives you an internal dialog when either yours has been silenced with self doubt planted by malignant people or didn’t exist in the first place. It helped me get past the self loathing and low esteem that comes from dealing with these EUMs. Once you get that voice speaking up and speaking right…these guys will become so transparent and unimportant to you, and you will know you are healed when you look on them with pity and pity the next woman they dupe into their web of torture.
OH my goodness you are the best NML —- “Why do I give a flying fuck…” I have felt the same way this past year as well. I don’t care what the rhyme, reason or season… it’s soooo much easier that way. Us girls no when a guy really cares about us and those are the ones we have to care about.
Say no more!! You hit the nail on the head!!!!!
I wonder how guys would feel if we treated them like they treat us?
There are women that do, this is not limited to men.