In every single email and telephone discussion I have had with the many Fallback Girls, every, single, last one, has revealed that there were some, or even a lot of things that made them uncomfortable or got their ‘spidey senses’ going in the early days of the relationship, such as the blowing hot and cold and the ever changing excuses, and yet, nothing. They didn’t do anything, or at least not anything constructive that would truly benefit them. Now I don’t deny that these men are assclowns, fronters, and morphers, and some of them are extremely good at being deceptive, but the one thing that Fallback Girls are guilty of is blindly pursuing their own agenda, even though they have signals to the contrary.
The reason why you slot in so well when Mr Unavailables blow hot and cold, is that aside from the fact that it caters to your drama meter, you become ‘the pursuer’. Suddenly the tables are turned and you are no longer being pursued by them like those giddy, heady, times when you first met and he made you feel like the centre of his universe, and instead, when you pursue him despite him having a lukewarm or cold front and him disrespecting you and your boundaries, you become the pursuer, and no matter what takes place after this, you are the Fallback Girl that is pursuing her idea of the relationship and him, that is beyond the capacity of what he has to offer, and he is just the passive, lazy, Mr Unavailable who is along for the ride because you keep pursuing and you keep offering yourself.
In being ‘the pursuer’, you have become so heavily invested in the idea of him and the relationship that the reality of who he is has not caught up with the fantasy created by your betting on potential. Despite poor behaviour from him and lots of red flag behaviour, you are still trying to make the quintessential pigs ear into a silk purse. You are not only ignoring clear signals and indicators of who he is and what you’re going to get, but you’re ignoring what he says or shows he wants because you think that you know better. You think that your love is all that he needs and you have decided that you’re going to love him so he’s got to love you.
Now I can guarantee that this pretty hard for you to digest, because in most Fallback Girls’ minds, they believe that their Mr Unavailable is doing the bulk of the pursuing but in actual fact, it’s you. As I mentioned before, when Mr Unavailables use blowing hot and cold to maintain The Status Quo, it sends a signal to us to prove ourselves to them and also turn up the drama meter.
The only reason why a woman pursues a man who is a total flip-flapper who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow is because she has low self-esteem and is afraid to let go of the idea of him and the relationship and accept the reality.
You pursue him because him pulling away triggers your flight or fight reflex and you’re too scared to walk away, so you fight for it instead.
You pursue him because you believe that something you have said or done has triggered his pulling away, so you pursue him to make things right, but instead show him that you don’t care enough about yourself.
You pursue him because you are focused on the initial great behaviour rather than the reality of the majority of his behaviour. You believe the beginning is an indicator of the end.
You pursue him because men like this appear far more attractive when they appear to be less interested in you.
You pursue him because it sets off your internal fears, which combined with the very real external fears (his behaviour), set off the drama meter.
You pursue him because it’s your relationship pattern.
You pursue him because you are heavily emotionally invested, even though there is very little substance and want to justify your investment.
But most of all, you pursue him because you want to demonstrate that you’re the ‘right’ girl for him so that he can validate you so that you don’t have to go through believing you’ve been rejected. You can just about cope with the small rejections with each withdrawal but if you don’t win back some attention from him, that would be total rejection.
You pursue him, you pursue your own agenda, you pursue the relationship, and you pursue the dream that has arise from betting on potential. After a while, you’re so blindly focused on what you believe are your feelings and of course, the anxiety and insecurity generated by your fears, that the reality of the situation and the reality of who he is, no longer matter.
I’m often asked why do emotionally unavailable men keep coming back when they know they can’t give you what they want, and aside from the fact that these guys are users, they do it because you keep offering it, and after a while, it’s almost like they shrug and go ‘Oh OK then!’ and succumb to taking what’s on offer.
Unfortunately, no matter what you intended, every time you throw yourself at the mercy of this guy, he perceives you as desperate, needy, foolish, but also fair game.
This is how they manage to let themselves off the hook: they believe that you’re pursuing things even though they have shown who they are, and that they’re only giving you what you want (or their watered down version of it), when in actual fact, they’re taking advantage of your low self-esteem and enjoying the fringe benefits.
They are still pursuing you, it’s just that it is rarely to the extent that they did at the beginning of the relationship unless they truly believe that they are in serious danger of losing their ego stroke. The difference with Mr Unavailable after the beginning of the relationship, is he switches from giving you, let’s say 80% attention and effort, to drip feeding you various levels of attention and effort, to which you respond disproportionately because he has managed down your expectations.
So if you take the typical relationship, the tone gets set and he reduces down to 50, 40, 30, 20, or even 10% attention and effort instead of the original 80%, and you respond to whatever he throws you with often as much as 100% of your attention and effort.
This switch of control and effort is what creates much of the difficulty with letting go of Mr Unavailables. In being so focused on his initial behaviour and your expectations of him, you don’t even notice the switch in who’s doing the pursuing and you are unaware of what you are doing to exacerbate the situation.
You have to let go of your expectations of him and replace your thoughts and aspirations about him with the very real him. You also have to stop believing that whatever effort and attention you give a relationship is reciprocated because in reality, this only happens in relationships with solid foundations, with people with healthy levels of self-esteem, and who both have both of their feet firmly in the relationship with minimal baggage. That is not you, and it’s certainly not him.
You have got to let go of this idea of he runs, you chase, you run a little, so he chases, and building a negative relationship cycle. Many women believe that it’s not a relationship worth having if they didn’t fight for it, but I think they’d take a very different view if they looked at it from the perspective of repeatedly pursuing these men. Despite the evolving of the sexes, most women still want the man to do the pursuing yet Fallback Girls are pursuer’s. Some of you are downright obvious about it and others are more subtle, placing themselves in just the right situation to gain his attention and draw him back in.
A classic example is the Fallback Girl who works with her Mr Unavailable, who makes sure he sees her looking hot to trot, or talking to another guy, or spreads rumours that she’s with someone new. Yes, like the typical assclown Mr Unavailable, he’ll come running, but, she pursued him. Fallback Girls keep finding a reason to set the wheels in motion again when in fact, it should be their opportunity to bail.
You must stop making excuses for their behaviour and treat them like grown men who are responsible adults, accountable for their own behaviour. And you need to apply the same rules to yourself. You may believe that he just needs time, that he’s emotionally immature, and that you know that you’re destined to be together but aside from attempting to raise these men from the ground up, it’s like treating them children and assuming that you know better. These men aren’t trying to be got!
And here’s the kicker: every time you ‘pursue’ this guy and engage with him, it’s like disregarding your judgement of the situation. Pursuing Mr Unavailables is about wanting more than what is on offer, even though he is effectively out of emotional stock. As you learn to be happier with you, you’ll lose the urge to pursue and put yourself at the mercy of these men.
This excerpt is taken from Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by NML/Natalie Lue, the founder of Baggage Reclaim.
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DEAR NML,
Thank you so much for your article, its brillinat as ever! You are helping me so much, and I have to agree with you…
I cant wait for your book!
OMG!! You are so right. Do you realize how much you have helped me gain perspective? Probably not….
I am getting away from one of these men right now. It’s taking months because we live in a very small town and I see him all the time. These guys can really mess a woman up. They are attractive, fun, friendly so their attention is very flattering. Soon though they act rather cool towards you and you wonder what the heck happened? You had so much fun together… you tried to be nice and light and casual to show him what a fun gal you are. Right? You can’t figure out why he’s acting so cool when you had such a good time together. Then he starts flirting with other women…. women that don’t have half of what you have. That really is a blow to your self-esteem. You’re good looking, you’re fun, you’re easy going, you have a good job, you’re not demanding… why would he choose that kinda slobby-looking, sorta stupid, somebody else’s woman over there? You torture youself wondering WHAT YOU DID WRONG… Then in a few days when he looks your way again you’re on top of the clouds. Hooray!! See you’re not so bad after all. He realized you’re better than that other woman. But in a week or two same thing happens again. Confusion reigns because you cannot understand what changed. You’re not sure if he’s sleeping with anyone else or what he is doing but you feel worse and worse because dammit YOU ARE GREAT and why is doing this.
It’s a bad downward spiral that has left me feeling used, insulted, foolish, ashamed and mad as he!! at both myself and him. Mad at myself for not taking better care of ME and mad at him for toying with me – even though I know I LET IT HAPPEN. Just like you said I turned into the pursuer. I emailed jokes if I hadn’t heard from him in a few days, I went to the bar he hangs out at to see him (or rather so that he would see me), I acted like I was having a good time with my friends so he’d see how I really had it together [I almost want to puke right now].
Also, small town so everyone knew we had been sleeping together and everyone knows now we are not and he is on to new conquests. I take fully responsibility for my foolishness but it is very embarassing nonetheless. I have not spoken to him in months but I do see him several times a week hitting on other women. Makes me want to stab forks in his eyes!!
Oh Kim – my stomach turned just reading your post — I could have written that exact same thing — small town and everything. I am a great person, fun, employed, not pushy, fairly cute and smart. He and I hit it off SO well, then a few months into it I find out he’s doing the same thing with a less attractive, dummer, married mother of three. Devastating! But when he would tell me she meant nothing, I came right back – I needed to feel the validation, and oh it felt so good when we got back together. It happened over and over until I finally told him it wasn’t working for me and that it wasn’t fun anymore. I haven’t heard a word from him since, but I have heard about him hanging around with her – and yes, it makes me want to stab him in his eyeballs, too.
OhMyGod. I don’t know when or where or how you got so smart or see such an accurate microscope into my life and behavior, but you do it every time, NML.
I’m staggered at this one. It is so true. Every word of it and how it happens AND WHAT I DID TO KEEP THE ILLUSION GOING / REFUSE TO LET GO OF IT.
I never accepted who he was from his behavior. I was waaaaay too emotionally invested in the fantasy. I put up with crap and made excuse after excuse and pursued when all the red lights were on and blazing – and I ignored them so I didn’t have to face my own low self-esteem and rejection issues.
WOW.
THANK YOU FOR HOW YOU THINK, FOR WHAT YOU WRITE, AND FOR THE MAJOR HELP YOU ARE GIVING ME IN GETTING CLEAR.
My Fallback woman status is beginning to lose power inside as I begin to see it for what it is – and MY RESPONSIBILITY for being healthy 🙂
Hope that you are feeling better, NML.
bbp… do you have to see them together too? Agony!! I walked out of his house in Sept and I am still mad. I didn’t deserve to be treated like cr@p… but I let it happen and kept going back for more (for over a year). For the longest time I wondered WHY he’d act that way. It had to be ‘me’ because I thought he was wonderful. After finding this site it started becoming clear that I was fooling myself about him all along. I was in love with the potential… with the man I imagined him to be and not the real him. The real him is a jerk but a da^^n attractive jerk. The signs were there but I ignored them. One time while we were seeing each other he went on a trip and brought back t-shirts for all his friends – but not me. I stupidly still slept with him after that. I wish he’d fall off the face of the planet so I would not have to look at him now hustling up every woman in town.
I know that I have to deal with my issues so I don’t get myself into a situation like this again. Yeah… it’s humiliating and painful. I think about like removing a diseased part of my self. Thank goodness my real friends are here for me and this blog helps more than anything.
Thanks NML.
Kim – for the sake of confusion would you mind adding your last initial or something else to your name? I have been on the forum for awhile & would like to remain somewhat anonymous but dont want people to confuse us. If you mind let me know & I will change mine. Thx
Okay… I’ll be Kim2 🙂
The EUM I was involved with didn’t want a real relationship. He just wanted to have fun. Maybe I’d have done that if he had wanted to be monogamous and had treated me like more than just a friend. Wait… that would be a relationship, wouldn’t it? Ha ha….
As for that t-shirt situation – he told me he had a shirt for me too but he never gave it to me. I never brought it up because I didn’t want to nag or be a big baby. It’s not even that I actually wanted a shirt, it’s that he didn’t think enough about me to make sure he included me amongst his friends. I sure can be thick-headed some times. I know better now not to give so much of myself to a man that only wants a fling and no real connection.
Kim – yeah – – i have to see them together, and she is SO lame – all grabbing at his hand in the bar even though everyone knows she’s married (with really young kids). plus some of my friends work with her, so i hear about him coming in to see her and other information i don’t want to know. i run into his best friends all the time, and i know they know – they look at me like they do – i used to love living in a small town now all i want is to just go away and be anonymous – never see his face again, never hear about him with some other conquest. I’m not conceited at all – seriously, but I am much more attractive, smarter, down to earth, etc. than her (and there’s been others while we were seeing each other, but she’s the most serious, even though he’s doing the same thing to her). it makes me ill. he and i were involved for more than two years – i let his interest in me destroy my own relationship with my ex-boyfriend – got lured away by him even though i said ‘no’ to him a million times, i finally gave in – and look what i got in return. i totally overlooked his crappy behavior because i was so addicted to being with him – and like you said, i believed in his potential because he talked so convincingly (like “I haven’t been excited about seeing a woman like I am for you in so long” and “I don’t know why I’m so afraid – but I want to change”). in fact i don’t think he lied about how he felt, it’s just that he had no intentions of ever backing it up, and as soon as i wasn’t standing in front of him it was ‘out of sight out of mind.’ when i told him i didn’t want to see him anymore, i told him that the whole point of being with someone was to have fun, and that he wasn’t fun, at least not for me.
Thx Kim2!
because i dont want to cry at work … all i’m going to say for now is:
OUCH!!!!
the truth hurts like a mf’er.
It’s amazing reading these articles. I always felt so alone in this and so ashamed that I could not measure up. As the other women here have written, I am an attractive, intelligent person. I felt stupid that my EUM had “pulled the wool over my eyes” so easily. Because of this website, I now understand that I’m not alone. Perhaps in the future, I can learn from this and follow my instincts!
***********
EUM:
You are, were, will always be
A mirage.
Feigning feelings,
Hinting at great depth
If only….
How horrible to find
Such shallowness
A superficial shimmer rather than a vast pool.
**************
Thanks everyone for posting. Your words have been very helpful to me and many others I am sure.
Excellent post and I agree 100%. I’m slowly but surely entering the “acceptance” mode of my Mr. Unavailable and I am dumbfounded by how long it took me to get there. And I still feel the pull but I ignore it more than ever these days.
I think respect is a key word in this article. Having respect for yourself in that you deserve better and should keep telling yourself that until you believe it. And respect for Mr. Unavailable’s message. If he is telling you that he can’t give you what he wants (either directly or indirectly) – we should respect his position and just walk away. His loss, just walk away and ACCEPT that his position is not to be changed, just accepted. It can be a disappointment but we will get over it – and move on to something more healthy.
I’m dying here. Three years with the “love of my life”. Now he moves back in with his estranged wife, sends me voicemails and emails telling me that he must complete the final resolution there – once and for all. Then has no contact because she is demanding that and his counselor recommended that. He has had guilt from a Catholic marriage (but estrangement from the church for many years) and the impending divorce. His counselor, who is Catholic, has recommended (of course) that he honor his marriage and do the “right thing” by returning to his wife and cutting off all contact with me forever. My four children have been involved and adore him, as he has been with us through many life stresses, including my breast cancer surgeries and treaments this past year, together. Now NO CONTACT. I feel heartbroken – I didn’t think I could love anyone like I have loved him. He has totally been incredible. And now this complete fracture of reality as I have known it.
I miss him. I feel like I am dying inside. I am moving my four children out of our home and into an apartment due to foreclosure (from my cancer bills and my Down Sydrome child’s medical expenses). And suddenly he is gone (2 weeks ago) and I hear he is on vacation with his wife (they were in the last stage of divorce) and his grown children.
Here is a perfect song about EUMs (by Fiona Apple)
Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, now my friend
You creep up like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let your love abound
And you bring me to my knees
It’s evil my love
The way you let your grace enrapture me
I would have to be a fool
To ever let that dirty game recapture me
You made me a shadow boxer
I need to be ready for what you do
I’ve been swinging around me
Cause I don’t know when you’ll make your move
Your gaze is dangerous
And you fill your space so sweet
If I let you get too close
You’ll cast your spell on me
So darling I just want to say
In case I don’t come through
I was onto every play
I just wanted you
It’s so evil now
How you’ve no reverence for my concern
So I need to stay wary of you
To save the pain
of once my flame
and twice my burn
I think it helps to be blunt and direct which Fallback Girls rarely want to do because of what they might hear. Asking, what is it that you really want from me? What is it? Then listen VERY carefully to what is said. Chances are you’ll hear in the words (not the tone, not the gaze of the eyes) but in the words things that will disgust you and make you want to push him out the door. You can truly lose all interest this way. But you have to ask…you have to want to hear…what is it that he truly wants from you? And when? Where? How? Specifics…oh, so specific.
Susan,
Exactly! When my EUM started sniffing around just recently, I asked him just that –
what do you want from me? He could not tell me. He said “i dont want anything, I just miss you” Which we all know is total BS. And yet, this Fallback Girl jumped in the sack with him anyway.
Now I am suffering the consequences of my actions. Already he is pulling back. I see what he is doing. As a test, I asked him if he had a good time on Friday night. (the night we were together) and he made a joke about it until I got angry. Then he finally says, “Why? It sounds like a loaded question.” wtf? How is asking if you had a good time a loaded question?
It is a loaded question if you are a EUM from Hell. I could feel the fear in him. Then he finally said, “Yea, I really needed it.” IT. Not me. Not our time together (when he was so sweet) – he needed “it”.
He can find another recepticle. Cuz it wont be me anymore. However, I AM going to ask one more time: What do you want from me. This time I am going to get an answer. I want to hear it. I am ready.
Being on the emotional rollercoaster is hard with an EUM. Trying to justify, question, analyze and disect them is part of the process of letting go. Because we all know that is what we need to do. It seems we are all at different parts of the journey–but we know the end result is that we need to walk away from them once and for all, and then begin to heal the wounds we have incurred. There are no clear answers, we all will know when it’s time to jump off the rollercoaster once and for all…..
Shadowboxer – good call FinallyOverIt. There’s so many good ones. Crazy by Patsy Cline another good one.
Yes, there are SO MANY good songs (mostly written by women) about EUMs, which brings home the fact that these men have been around for centuries and have messed women up enough so that they channel their frustrations and anger into writing songs about it. Alanis Morissette is another good song writer about EUMs. Oh, and Duffy, her new CD is awesome–she wrote this song called Stepping Stone–“I will never be your stepping stone–take it all, or leave me alone.” Anyway, I guess music is part of my healing process! Take care, ladies.
Annied,
I did the same thing you described. Got together to find out “what he wanted to say to me” (this is how it started out) and then, of course, what he wanted to say was, let’s go get some dinner, blah, blah, blah. One more time for me and I did say very directly, What exactly is it that you want from me? Answer: I want you to be in my life forever. Me: And that means what? Answer: What I said. I asked more specific questions and what I heard blew me away and he didn’t even know it. Thought it was fine. I let it simmer in my head for a while and then I got more and more (not angry really), but disgusted. Disrepected. And we had had at one time a good thing or maybe it wasn’t ever what I thought. At any rate, I’ve awakened. No more. No.
You can do it. Go for it. Ask the follow-up questions if you get these vague answers…as in What does that MEAN exactly?
Susan
I agree that it’s good to ask the questions. Last time I spoke with my EUM (2 months ago) I asked what he intends to do when the girl he’s with now finds out that he’s been talking to me secretly all this time.
Him and I were together years ago and started talking again last spring. I had no intentions or interest in getting back together for the longest time. We slept together a couple of times. He ran hot and cold with me. All the while living with this girl. And all the while I was telling myself, I’m smarter, more educated, more attractive, etc. etc. than the girl he’s with so he’s of course going to leave her to be with me again.
And he gave me every indication that this was his thinking, too. IN my mind it was just a matter of timing. I believed he was plotting his escape from her and just trying to do it in the best possible way.
Ha!
But of course we’ve been back in touch about 14 months now and he actually disappeared two months ago. After the phone conversation where I asked him what he was going to do with his current girlfriend finds out that we’ve been talking.
His response was she’s not going to find out.
I was stunned. In my mind, how could she not find out. Him and I were going to be together and then it would be no secret.
I’ll spare you all the details of the call but I asked him very pointed questions. The picture he gave me was basically, he considered me a friend (like he’s even any kind of friend to me – not any type of friend I consider good). I asked if that all he ever wants.
He wouldn’t say yes to that. Instead he said something like, I don’t know what’s going to happen two months from now.
Well, it’s two months later and like others have said, I’ve had time to kind of swish things around in my mind. And I am now disgusted by the whole thing and acutely aware of how disrespected I have been.
Through the course of these two months I was luck enough to find this site and read all the stories. I ran hot and cold with the stories. Sometimes I would feel so connected to them. Other times I would kid myself and justify how MY relationship was different.
If I sat down I could very handily write out 20 or 30 things that he’s done which are SO disrespectful – just off the top of my head. But I don’t hate myself anymore. I know I deserve better.
Laura, I know it is very hard. Especially when the “relationship” is so undefined and confusing, it leaves us wanting to figure it out and give it some kind of validation. Truth be told, I really think us “fall back girls” think about things way too much and try to figure things out with our EUMs, and they are just sitting around living their life and not giving us or their warped behavior a second thought! It can become borderline obsessive that we give so much of our emotional/mental energy into these pathetic little man-boys, and the truth is they don’t deserve an ounce of our time or our thoughts. It’s almost like they are so distant and disconnected from themselves that it makes us fight even harder to get them to pull their heads out of their @sses. But, the important thing to remember is that if they came running to us saying they wanted to be with us forever, we wouldn’t want them because they are damaged and unable to be what we REALLY want in a partner. It’s really kind of messed up……
Wow! I am so glad I found this website. I can relate with everything I’ve read here. I just recently end a relationship with a EUM. It was insane! He was totally into me for three months. He wanted me to meet his family and talked about me moving in with him. He sent me cards, flowers and went out of his way to make me feel special. He asked for a picture of me and framed it! I would have an email or a text from him by the time I got to work and he always wanted to by with me. I was hesitant at first but then I felt that I could trust him and let myself really fall for him. When I did, he dropped me. He had the dumbest reasons for breaking up me ( like we didn’t like the same music!). Then he told me that he didn’t have any feelings…not just for me but about anything ( which is really sad if you think about it). I feel like for three months he was pretending to care for me. Which is the worst feeling because how do you trust after that? Was that deep connection that I was feeling not real? It makes me feel like a fool. We got back together after a few days but it was never the same because he was then hot and cold! One day he couldn’t get enough of me then the next I wouldn’t hear from him. When I contacted him half the time he made me feel like I was bothering him. After about a month of this, I realized that it was consuming me and ended it. He acted like he didn’t even give a shit. I have adopted the no contact role. It has been easy not to call or text him since I acknowledged that he wasn’t healthy for me. But there are other ways to have contact. At first I would look at his myspace page everyday but I have forced myself to stop that. I do think about him often and wonder if he is missing me ect. I just try to remind myself to be proud that I took control of the situation. But that is a lot easier said then done. This website and these messages have given me great insight to this relationship as well ones from the past. I just wanted to thank every women out there who helped me see that I wasn’t alone in this.
please could somebody help me with some advice with a current situation. The man i’ve been sleeping with for 4 years i truly believe is an EUM. He blows hot and cold pulls disappearing acts for weeks sometimes months ata time and comes back has open relationships with other women and most recently has some women in his house that he claims he isn’t sleeping with but why is she in your house and answering your phone I ask him.
The first time he basically he told me that she was just a friend he was helping out in a tough time and she would be gone soon. This was in April. Now 3 months later I call to see what was up for the weekend as always and the same women from 3 months ago is in the house and once again answering the phone. My blood boiled immediately. I was so tight that i could chew nails.
So I emailed and asked why if you took care of the situation in April is she back in your house? I never got a response so what I did which now i know was a stupid move on my part I went down to his job when i new he would get off to dicuss this with him in an adult way.
Well let me tell you it didn’t turn out the way that I had hoped it would and this man out and out cursed me out right there in front of his job on a crowded city street people all over the place looking at him screaming at me. I felt so embarrassed. he told things like get away from him, to leave him the F*** alone, he didn’t want to hear anything I had to say etc…
Now i am the point where i am wondering if i’ll ever here from him again. If for no other reason but to get an apology for him blasting me the way that he did because even though i was in the wrong fopr showing up as his job I didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
What is anybodys take on this and what should I do if anything.
Hey FinallyOverIt,
Thanks for the response. It really helped. 🙂
Laura
Debbie, I am so sorry…Your ex is an awful man…please try to forget him, even it’s very very difficult after 4 years!
My man never was rude to me, he just disappeared without any explanations (after saying he loves me)…and didnt contact me for 17 days now and I didnt contact him either, I do not want to humiliate myself! I am glad that I waisted only three months of my life with this loser!
Please leave him alone, he is not worth it Debbie! We all want to believe that one day they will contact us and beg us for forgiveness, but do you want to trust him yet again after all these screamings and humiliation?!
Debbie,
You weren’t in the wrong for showing up at his job. A good man, a caring man, would have wanted to make sure he was treating you well.
I know how hard it is. But like someone else said, waiting for them to apologize and treat us differently is a waste of time.
Laura
This article so applies to me that I am ashamed-I always felt I had great self esteem but maybe not….I don’t know how to get it back. I definitely wouldn’t want him if he were available, so I KNOW that I am as messed up as he is.
How did I get here?