I get a daily newsletter from Christian Carter at Catch Em and Keep Em (If only getting a life partner was as simple as reeling in a fish…) and I found his latest one rather interesting.
Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”
According to Christian, people want to surround themselves with people that they feel good around and generally feel good in their lives. “When you are constantly freaking out on a man for what it is about him that freaks you out, you quickly turn into one of the people that it DOESN’T FEEL GOOD to be around. And this has a huge impact on whether or not he wants to invest more time, effort, and energy in you and your relationship. Or if he will decide to give up on trying to fix what’s going on with you so you can both feel good together.”
Now I do agree that people want to feel good but what escapes Christian Carter is that there are a number of forces and misconceptions at play. Women systematically, date, chase, love, throw themselves at the mercy of men, in spite of the fact that they feel like shit when they are around them. And whilst there are some men in the scenario above, there are also quite a few men that don’t know what to do with the love of a good woman, get freaked out, and run off, turn into stone emotionally, stall on commitment or even shag someone else. Feeling good or The Pleasure Principle for some guys means that they either freak out and run for the hills when it’s good or shag as many people as possible to get as much of The ‘Pleasure’ Principle as possible. Some men just don’t know they’re born, and some women, in fact many women have misguided insecurity that drives their relationship choices which means that they believe that part of loving is not feeling good!
Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future
I actually laughed rather loudly when I read this reason which I have published in full. “For a man in a relationship, the ways a woman acts in the “little” situations become indicators of how she’s going to respond when things really are tough and in the future.
So if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can’t get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn’t going to think that things could be any better in the future together.”
So let’s throw something out here: If this is a guy who has a fairly balanced attitude towards communicating and is in touch with his emotions, then I could understand this, but the reality is that there is a wide gap in communication between the sexes, and we both handle emotions and the displaying of them differently and there are also a hell of a lot of emotionally unavailable men out there! Whilst there is some room to agree with this reason, I also ask: what could HE do differently?
Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction
Attraction is important in a relationship and this should be a mixture of emotional and physical, however let’s not confuse this with expecting to have constant fireworks. What keeps a relationship going, what real love is driven by is a mutual attraction, trust, respect and shared goals and interests. To read this reason of Christian’s answers the question for men as to why they are ‘misunderstood’.
Christian says “Love can be important to a man.
But just like a woman, if he doesn’t also keep experiencing the exciting and addictive feelings of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the woman he loves… then eventually EVERYTHING ELSE starts to not matter.
When a man doesn’t FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he’s with her, then he’ll forget why… and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of “work” to him.
Whenever he thinks of his girlfriend, he’ll think of all the problems, frustrations, and
negative emotions and experiences… and he’ll see a future and a commitment as something that will make him LESS SATISFIED in his life.
Often times when women are feeling distance or trouble in a relationship, they’ll try to “talk” to a man and work on “the relationship”.
Big mistake if you want to turn things around. For a man, he wants to do things together (not talk) to know his relationship is working.”
I’m sure if this was a ‘Why men cheat’ article, he could slip this reason in there….
Reason #4: The “Neediness” of Codependence
“A man wants to be with a woman that brings something better to his life, not take away his time, energy, and emotional “stability”.
So when a woman doesn’t have much going on for herself in her own life a few things happen. First, she focuses on her relationship too much as her source of happiness or unhappiness.”
I actually agree with this reason to an extent. I am a firm believer that a lot of women are prepared to turn themselves into the sacrificial lamb of their relationships. They do Dicks Before Chicks behaviour and are so caught up in proving their worth by having a man in their life, that all of their energy is directed towards him. This can be flattering at first but will eventually feel like a noose around his neck and on top of that, women who make the man the be all of everything, as if the sun rises and sets on them, generally end up miserable. We need to derive our self-worth from ourselves, not from our relationship status. We must Get a Life.
Reason #5: “She’s Trying To Fix Me…”
One of my major relationship pet peeves is when we try treat our partners like fixer uppers, focusing on the potential rather than the reality.
“A man can and will “change” and compromise for a woman.
It’s a fact. I see it all the time where men let go of their “bachelor lifestyles” for one special woman, and change a ton about their social lives.
But this only happens when a man has HIS OWN REASONS to change.
It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a woman, or for the sake of the relationship.”
Constantly trying to get someone to change that you claim to love is very disconcerting for a partner – we wouldn’t like it ourselves. However this ‘fixing’ is something that occurs in relationships even when no real love exists. How many times have I come across women that try to change emotionally unavailable men?
But the overriding thought that comes out of this, is the use of the word ‘Love’. These reasons don’t kick in when the relationship is based on solid foundations. Unfortunately due to misconceptions about what does and doesn’t constitute a relationship and what does and doesn’t constitute love, a guy can EASILY make these decisions because he’s probably not in love ANYWAY! People who really do truly love and respect each other, with a relationship that has good foundations, don’t try to fix each other because you try to be the best that you can be for yourself because you want to enhance the relationship, they take the highs with the lows rather than focus on pure pleasure, they learn to communicate and weather each others emotions, and they have their own individuality and are also a team together with a healthy amount of independence.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and The Mr Unavailable Guide.