I get a daily newsletter from Christian Carter at Catch Em and Keep Em (If only getting a life partner was as simple as reeling in a fish…) and I found his latest one rather interesting.
Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”
According to Christian, people want to surround themselves with people that they feel good around and generally feel good in their lives. “When you are constantly freaking out on a man for what it is about him that freaks you out, you quickly turn into one of the people that it DOESN’T FEEL GOOD to be around. And this has a huge impact on whether or not he wants to invest more time, effort, and energy in you and your relationship. Or if he will decide to give up on trying to fix what’s going on with you so you can both feel good together.”
Now I do agree that people want to feel good but what escapes Christian Carter is that there are a number of forces and misconceptions at play. Women systematically, date, chase, love, throw themselves at the mercy of men, in spite of the fact that they feel like shit when they are around them. And whilst there are some men in the scenario above, there are also quite a few men that don’t know what to do with the love of a good woman, get freaked out, and run off, turn into stone emotionally, stall on commitment or even shag someone else. Feeling good or The Pleasure Principle for some guys means that they either freak out and run for the hills when it’s good or shag as many people as possible to get as much of The ‘Pleasure’ Principle as possible. Some men just don’t know they’re born, and some women, in fact many women have misguided insecurity that drives their relationship choices which means that they believe that part of loving is not feeling good!
Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future
I actually laughed rather loudly when I read this reason which I have published in full. “For a man in a relationship, the ways a woman acts in the “little” situations become indicators of how she’s going to respond when things really are tough and in the future.
So if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can’t get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn’t going to think that things could be any better in the future together.”
So let’s throw something out here: If this is a guy who has a fairly balanced attitude towards communicating and is in touch with his emotions, then I could understand this, but the reality is that there is a wide gap in communication between the sexes, and we both handle emotions and the displaying of them differently and there are also a hell of a lot of emotionally unavailable men out there! Whilst there is some room to agree with this reason, I also ask: what could HE do differently?
Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction
Attraction is important in a relationship and this should be a mixture of emotional and physical, however let’s not confuse this with expecting to have constant fireworks. What keeps a relationship going, what real love is driven by is a mutual attraction, trust, respect and shared goals and interests. To read this reason of Christian’s answers the question for men as to why they are ‘misunderstood’.
Christian says “Love can be important to a man.
But just like a woman, if he doesn’t also keep experiencing the exciting and addictive feelings of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the woman he loves… then eventually EVERYTHING ELSE starts to not matter.
When a man doesn’t FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he’s with her, then he’ll forget why… and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of “work” to him.
Whenever he thinks of his girlfriend, he’ll think of all the problems, frustrations, and
negative emotions and experiences… and he’ll see a future and a commitment as something that will make him LESS SATISFIED in his life.
Often times when women are feeling distance or trouble in a relationship, they’ll try to “talk” to a man and work on “the relationship”.
Big mistake if you want to turn things around. For a man, he wants to do things together (not talk) to know his relationship is working.”
I’m sure if this was a ‘Why men cheat’ article, he could slip this reason in there….
Reason #4: The “Neediness” of Codependence
“A man wants to be with a woman that brings something better to his life, not take away his time, energy, and emotional “stability”.
So when a woman doesn’t have much going on for herself in her own life a few things happen. First, she focuses on her relationship too much as her source of happiness or unhappiness.”
I actually agree with this reason to an extent. I am a firm believer that a lot of women are prepared to turn themselves into the sacrificial lamb of their relationships. They do Dicks Before Chicks behaviour and are so caught up in proving their worth by having a man in their life, that all of their energy is directed towards him. This can be flattering at first but will eventually feel like a noose around his neck and on top of that, women who make the man the be all of everything, as if the sun rises and sets on them, generally end up miserable. We need to derive our self-worth from ourselves, not from our relationship status. We must Get a Life.
Reason #5: “She’s Trying To Fix Me…”
One of my major relationship pet peeves is when we try treat our partners like fixer uppers, focusing on the potential rather than the reality.
“A man can and will “change” and compromise for a woman.
It’s a fact. I see it all the time where men let go of their “bachelor lifestyles” for one special woman, and change a ton about their social lives.
But this only happens when a man has HIS OWN REASONS to change.
It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a woman, or for the sake of the relationship.”
Constantly trying to get someone to change that you claim to love is very disconcerting for a partner – we wouldn’t like it ourselves. However this ‘fixing’ is something that occurs in relationships even when no real love exists. How many times have I come across women that try to change emotionally unavailable men?
But the overriding thought that comes out of this, is the use of the word ‘Love’. These reasons don’t kick in when the relationship is based on solid foundations. Unfortunately due to misconceptions about what does and doesn’t constitute a relationship and what does and doesn’t constitute love, a guy can EASILY make these decisions because he’s probably not in love ANYWAY! People who really do truly love and respect each other, with a relationship that has good foundations, don’t try to fix each other because you try to be the best that you can be for yourself because you want to enhance the relationship, they take the highs with the lows rather than focus on pure pleasure, they learn to communicate and weather each others emotions, and they have their own individuality and are also a team together with a healthy amount of independence.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and The Mr Unavailable Guide.
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I gotta say thank you for writing this. For months now I have been receiving e-mails from Christian Carter about his programs. I read the stuff and most times it makes me angry. I haven’t thought too much about why…I just see it all as making the woman change to fit in with the almighty male ego. I doesn’t allow room to just be one self. I mean the very reasons someone loves me may be the reason someone else can’t stand me..We need to just be honest and attract our mates naturally. Not trying to put on a facade or pretend to be something that we’re not. It’s just wrong. It’s not honest and it’s playing games again. We are all just fine the way we are on the way to were we are going.
I will admit to almost buying his program, but after reading what I have just read I am glad that I didn’t.
Thanks for your input.
I dated an emotionally unavailable man who couldn’t change because he didn’t want to does that mean that he didn’t love me?
I want to un subscribe to christian carter but is not clear how.
plz advise sick of constant emails not relevant.
Thanks
Lorraine
This comment is my thanks for your hard work. Very interesting site!
What kind of man would leave a woman he loves anyway? The title doesn’t even make sense let alone trying to figure out men! If the love is true from the beginning, it will endure. Women have evolved and now it’s time for men to step up to the plate and stop playing these silly immature games with women.
Ami: while it might indicate that, I just think it means He loved himself more…in my view thats selfish and not something that is part of a loving relationship..been there and done that!
Whoever has written these reasons needs to wake up and realize that Life is NOT about catering to the Man. Also, if a woman feels unloved or unheard, she will leave for the same reasons. For Good Reasons. In my experience, women, if they are strong and true to themselves usually find a better match. It’s men that are left wringing their hands and then have to settle for much less. My only advice to women is not hang around and leave sooner. Don’t waste your youth, beauty and love on any Loser.
These reasons sound like they are coming from a person who does not want to work on himself and change. A mature man feels secure in himself and has no probelm talking to a woman, listening to her rather. Women need to stay away from men who refuse to grow up and insist only on their needs being met. Turn around, walk away. And Don’t look back. It is the tough women that eventully force such men to grow. Whether they Admit it or Not. Some will learn sooner if they are wise. Others not until they are past 50, gray-haired, wifeless, childless, left behind now with other lonely, graying friends craving a Family as well – Fast forward 2 more decades and they will be dying off alone one by one. Either way, don’t wait. You (women) have your own lives to live as they (such men) waste theirs.
David,
Words of wisdom!
I think both Christian and NML (I’m sorry, that was the author of this article, no?) raised some good points. Overall though, these generalization about which gender has it worse in a relationship does more to sooth hurt feelings than it does help each person find a healthy relationship. One thing to note is that Christian’s article didn’t excuse the behavior he wrote about, he just explained the reasoning behind it — good or bad. I’m very lucky to be in a great relationship with an incredible woman and I wonder if I’d be so lucky to be with her if either of us subscribed to the sentiment in both contributor’s perspective. Though I must say that I love the site overall!
James.
Yep, some of these sound pretty familiar!
Agree with all and glad that N put a proper input into this. Have been reading Carter for a while and undubscribed, because, as said before, the information provided from CC was not getting through to me and l cudnt quite understand why. Im glad my instincts were confirmed. I thought l was the only one
Natalie,
I have been reading dating advice for years, but after recently reuniting with my high school sweetheart who is turning out to be Mr. Unavailable, I had to seek some new advice, and recently purchased your e-book. Today I read your blog also, and I have enjoyed your sound matter of fact advice. Your write from experience, and from the heart and that is a gift! While he did not act like this initially, and I believe I was more the one who was emotionally unavailable in the beginning, the fact is that he is just not accesible as much I want him to be, though he does make attempts to be closer, it is draining, and so not worth it. So, I decided to love me more, and him from afar. Recently I joined a local date site, and ran into someone that I went to school with, and a bunch of other handsome available guys who want to talk, be open, and share. Armed with new knowledge, I had to recognize that it’s really unhealthy to stay with a man like this, no matter how much you care, or how things were in the beginning, it is the person he is today, that I have to recognize. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is I a gift, that is why they call it the present. My gift to myself, is to move forward with my own life, to love me, and to put my needs first! I just wanted to say thanks, for keeping it real about love and relationships for women. Finally someone who really gets us! wink wink
~ Michelle
I’ve had an epiphany of sorts and I’d like to share…
The more I read learn about modern day relationships, the more I realise that women are at their happiest when they are independent, confident and (generally) male-free. Unfortunately, this is also when they are at their most attractive for a man. What a predicament!
I think this is because, to a man, this type of woman appears as the furthest thing from his mother. He could not imagine his sexy new girl being needy, nagging or smothering, as his mother would be: holding him on a pedestal, ego stroking, telling him what to do, or placing demands and expectations on him. So he is instantly attracted to this total opposite.
The trick is to find a man who can respect the woman’s independence and is STRONG enough IN HIMSELF not to want to “break” (for want of a better verb) or control his independent woman once he is with her. As soon as she lets him get away “being a bad boy” and mistreating her, he subconsciously disrespects her and the exploitation from him escalates to the point of contempt. I think this can be blamed on both parties: where a woman “allows” herself to be manipulated and undermined, while the weak-willed guy is testing just how much he can get away with..This is made worse if the woman thinks and treats her new man as Gods gift, just like his mother did/does. It’s subconsciously conflicting to a man that his once sexy, independent, playful girlfriend is now ego-stroking him and vying for his attention…like a clingy mother who can’t let go. I guess it would make him feel more like a boy rather than the man he could and should be.
I believe, as women and mothers of sons and daughters, we have an obligation to bring up healthy, emotionally balanced individuals. We must avoid teaching our daughters that they need to depend on a man (or anyone else for that matter) for their worth and happiness and we need to stop treating our sons like princes. Both should be taught self-respect (not superiority or arrogance) and respect of others around them.
The last mail I got from Evan Marc Katz was all about ‘giving the guy a break on the first date cos we’re not perfect you know’ or something along those lines … and it was followed by a list of reasons a woman doesn’t get a second date and how he can help you change into the ‘perfect date’!
Sorry – but surely giving someone a break should work both ways?