I’ve discovered over the past couple of years that if you have a lot going on internally and you’re not overly happy or have an undercurrent of anxiety, dubious relationship choices will become a part of the routine of life. I know people call their significant others their other halve, but I always wonder if there is this underlying belief that a partner ‘completes’ us a la Jerry Maguire? The problem is that when we wait for a white knight to ride in on his horse to make all our dreams come true and validate what the positives are about ourselves, ones we ourselves have failed to validate, we tend to wind up very disappointed.
We often get a Mr Unavailable on a donkey or a wonky, broken down horse, or we think he has arrived on a thoroughbred but he’s missing ‘something’.
I made the worst choices in men in the most anxiety-filled and unhappy periods of my life. I kept seeing a pattern and it became glaringly obvious that I had something to do with where I was. I didn’t consider myself an unhappy person in general but there were some underlying anxieties and issues about men, love, relationships which I had picked up, through childhood and from experience in relationships that seemed to have me thinking subconsciously that being in a relationship and being ‘loved’ was very important, even though the ‘quality’ of the relationship and the love left something to be desired. I would feel happy initially because it was catering to the surface desire and then I would feel empty, confused, and downright miserable at times with these unavailable men.
Cheesy as it may sound, when I really started to appreciate myself, when I really started to love myself and I really started to face the reality of where I had been relationship wise did I actually start to feel genuine changes in my life. When I put the onus back on myself and put aside what they did and asked what I did to bring about these situations, I found clarity and peace. I wasn’t just saying I didn’t want a Mr Unavailable and then finding myself with one and shrugging my shoulders and going along with it. I faced it head on and told them to beat it. I did this whilst also taking up alternative therapies such as acupuncture due to a disease that I live with. I found a sense of peace and well being descending on me gradually and a lot of clarity. Due to my own peace and well being, it seemed ridiculous to welcome someone into my life that would provide me with anything but that.
What I have discovered is that us women that love Mr Unavailables are conditioned for drama. We seem to only feel comfortable when Mr Unavailables tick several boxes – emotionally unavailable, drama, ambiguous, says one thing, does another and the list goes on. I was shocked to discover that whilst I had found happiness on more levels than I ever have, I still have to work with the part of me that is trained to work with drama and ambiguity. Fortunately due to my awareness of my peace and happiness, a little voice says ‘NML, stop being a dick and embrace what you have.’ And it’s true, so when you do start to feel happiness with whatever or whoever is causing it, exhale, embrace and enjoy.
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Yes, Yes, Yes! You captured my life exactly! The only way to break the cycle is to love your own life and be fullfilled on your own and without a man……FIRST!
I love this site. It couldnt have come at a better time!
Hi I have to say I have huge baggage from relationships that have been abusive to the extreme including battery when I was younger. I’m 40 and divorced 3 years after my 2 year marriage went down a disastrous road. But my question is where do I start. I make progress with self esteem but it never lasts, I just seem to be attracted to men that are abusive or potentially abusive. I honestly find it hard to believe that there are men who don’t abuse women or cheat on them. I get lonley at times and wish I could meet someone but then scared because I ask myself do I want another shed load of heartache and pain. It’s very confusing to say the least.