In part one of my two part post on getting over an ex when you thought you were friends, I explained about one of my worst experiences of the so-called ‘friend’ dynamic and how the contradiction of my exes behaviour, combined with my own misery and inability to move forward, finally gave me the realisation that we weren’t actually friends.
This can be incredibly hard to digest for many of you, because you realise that you not only have to mourn the end of your relationship and what you thought had the potential to happen, but you have to mourn the end of the ‘friendship’ and possibly the stark realisation that friendship was never present.
One of the painful aspects of this process of reconciling the reality with the illusion with your grief is that you can feel a bit lost at sea – in realising that everything that you have based your beliefs about him and your relationship may be on dubious foundations, you suddenly feel that your sense of reality and your memories have become distorted.
In truth, whilst it’s painful at times, they’ll actually just shift into focus and make it clearer.
It won’t be that you won’t be able to remember the times when you laughed, or felt good or whatever; it’s just that your feelings and perception of the situation will have evolved enough to not only see things for what they are, but you’ll also be averse to just focusing on the good times any longer.
All I kept thinking of so that I wouldn’t start romantising and rationalising things was:
Friends don’t try to eff you in any way, shape, or form. I don’t have any friends who spend their energies trying to get into my knickers…
We’re human, we make mistakes, we say and do things that don’t always go down well with other people, but if we’re decent enough, we’ll hold up our hand and acknowledge our mistakes and how they may have caused distress to someone who we call a friend.
Like I’ve said many a time, we don’t live in happy clappy land, and sometimes we exchange cross words with a friend or occasionally feel let down. True friendship can overcome and surpass this.
Fake friendship with an ex, however, you’ll find that much like when you were involved with them in a relationship, when you’re outside of it, it’s still on their terms.
They’re still lacking in empathy. They’re still self-centred. They’re still selfish, unthinking, deluded, untrustworthy, in need of an ego stroke, looking for a shag, controlling, deceitful, unyielding, or whatever their prime behaviour is.
A real friend will be happy for you even when they are not a part of the reason for your happiness.
The mistake we can make is assuming that because the relationship has been downgraded to friendship, that the lack of pressure and expectations that come with friendship compared to a full-on relationship, will see an upgrade in their behaviour because you are friends.
This is particularly the case if you’ve watched him bend over backwards for his friends or listened to them sing his praises about how the sun shines out of his backside, all the while wondering when some of the rays of his sunshine are going to fall on you.
You feel hopeful that this ‘fantastic friend’ who you may have damn well near lost your mind over will at least be a better friend than he ever was a boyfriend.
Many of the friendship pursuers can be so convincing and heartfelt, you believe their intentions. And actually, maybe they do as well.
But much like everything in life, one persons version of something and your version of it may be two different things.
Friendship means one thing to you and a different thing to your ex.
Much like a ‘committed relationship’ may have meant one thing to you and a different thing to your ex. Some of you may find that your version of being truthful and their version of being truthful are words apart.
Our mistake is not that we may be decent people with a strong sense of friendship, faith, and giving the benefit of the doubt. The mistake is to blindly pursue something assuming that what you feel is what they feel and how you perceive something to be is what they perceive it to be, and effectively not adjusting your perception or your behaviour once it becomes evident that they don’t play by the same rules.
Instead of processing the information that their behaviour gives off and deducing that friendship is not on the agenda, many of us instead find that we are wondering why they aren’t a friend in the way that we want them to be a friend, and even internalising their behaviour and reflecting it back to us.
In the end though, one of the things you finally realise when you’re ready to truly live and move on and heal from a broken relationship, is that if you truly are planning to move on, is there any real point in clinging hard to someone from an old relationship, especially one that has a lot of negativity tied up in it with someone who isn’t keen on being aware of their own behaviour?
Aside from their own behaviour, if you hold onto the friendship and continue to put a lot of energy into maintaining it, can you say that you’ll be truly happy for him if his happiness ends up involving someone else?
If you want to actually move on and be in a healthy relationship and love and be loved, you need to let go of the old relationship.
If you are holding on tight to the old relationship, even if it’s in the new form of a ‘friendship’, you do have to ask yourself how ready and willing you are to move forward?
If it takes so much time and emotional energy to have this person in your life, isn’t it better to let go, grieve, and move forward?
This is why we have to start believing in ourselves and the prospect of life getting better.
I believed that there had to be better out there for me than what I was getting. I believed that I had good, solid friendships and that even though it would be painful, in the medium and long term, remaining friends and having to put the energy into it on an ongoing basis, would only serve to detract from me.
Not every ‘friendship’ or ‘relationship’ is built to last. We evolve, we outgrow. Some ‘friendships’ are reflective of a time in your life that you’ve become distanced from. Holding onto them will only stunt your growth or trap you in the past.
Ultimately we also have to reality check ourselves and ask whether we’re trying for friendship in an effort not to just keep them in our lives at any capacity, but to also stem the feeling of rejection, and quietly harvest the possibility that if we stay in their lives, they might just one day recognise our greatness and we’ll be there to reap the benefits.
As always, this is about having boundaries and also keeping it real. Shifting from illusionary relationships to illusionary friendships is a recipe for pain and being taken advantage of.
I didn’t want to look back anymore and I had to place enough trust in myself, that if we were truly meant to be friends, it would happen some day in the future, just not now when there were clearly residual emotions lingering and he clearly was not going to do platonic friendship in the way that I wanted him to. To keep pursuing this friendship whilst experiencing further pain, would be like putting my hand in the fire repeatedly and wondering why I was being burnt.
Don’t overcomplicate it. It’s one thing if you break up with someone and they stay respectful about friendship and not chancing their arm for an ego stroke, shag, or a shoulder to lean on. But if they are basically extending behaviour that you’re all too familiar with, take it as your cue that there needs to be distance between you both. Yes it will hurt but remind yourself of what you want versus what you’ve been getting and remember that if you have him in the background, physically or mentally, you’re helping yourself to elude the possibility of a real connection and love with someone else.
Funny enough, as I moved on with my life, the friendship faded out and he pretty much stayed the same. I’ve never had a moment where I thought ‘Ooh, I need a friend right now, I’ll call up X because he’s blah, blah blah’ because he has nothing to offer me. One day, you’ll realise that about your ex too. For now, let go and feel the pain so that you can move on to something real.
Image via SXC
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“”They’re still lacking in empathy. They’re still self-centred. They’re still selfish, unthinking, deluded, untrustworthy, in need of an ego stroke, looking for a shag, controlling, deceitful, unyielding, or whatever their prime behaviour is.”
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Thanks for posting!
Ditto to @katty’s statement.
Tonight is the American football playoffs and my ex-EUM decided to text me about it (my favorite team is playing). After weeks of NC, I don’t know why he’s trying to contact me. The ego stroke comes to mind.
NML-you totally hit the nail on the head when you said “Don’t overcomplicate it. It’s one thing if you break up with someone and they stay respectful about friendship and not chancing their arm for an ego stroke, shag, or a shoulder to lean on. But if they are basically extending behaviour that you’re all too familiar with, take it as your cue that there needs to be distance between you both. Yes it will hurt but remind yourself of what you want versus what you’ve been getting and remember that if you have him in the background, physically or mentally, you’re helping yourself to elude the possibility of a real connection and love with someone else.”
I am hurting now, but in the end, putting distance between myself and the ex is the best thing I can do for myself.
“They’re still lacking in empathy. They’re still self-centred. They’re still selfish, unthinking, deluded, untrustworthy, in need of an ego stroke, looking for a shag, controlling, deceitful, unyielding, or whatever their prime behaviour is.” Funny you should say that, when I described how my ex described how he had left his ex-wfie (20 years before our relationship) to my close friend her first response to me was “and he has learned nothing in all those years.” He still thought it was okay to withdraw from a relationship without having a honest conversation; it would not have mattered if he no longer wanted to be married, no longer wanted to be married to me, whatever-anything would have been better than not nothing anything. He wrote his ex-wfe an apology letter years after the divorce-I guess I can expect my apology in about 5 years. How sad not to have grown emotionally in 20 years. Yes, it still hurts, but I know that it could have been so much worse if I had ended up married to him. As for the friends thing-that will never happen. While I am working on forgiveness (for me, not for him) I will never allow a “friendship” between the two us again. I am not risking going back to that place.
So true!
Thank you, Nat. This is so true, all of it. My definition and his were NEVER the same, it was only my illusion that hoped it was.
And he still was a using, taking, EUM who wanted things only on his terms and had the balls to think I should be acceppting/grateful for it.
Geez – the things we women don’t see when we are emotionally invested in someone with a penis!
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..SAAM at The Bazaar by Jose Andres =-.
I think this post is so true. I cut contact contact awhile ago but I still find myself wasting time dwelling on the fact that he is no longer in my life. I know that it is for the best but like the article said it’s hard to watch him be so kind to others and not get your hopes of that one day he will do the same. This website is brillant and I admire the ladies on this site. Hang in there girls!
Personally, I had to learn the true definition of what I considered a friend to mean, and for me a friend is- someone I know, like and trust.
I haven’t struggled with keeping X’s around from my past since I am a firm believer that going backwards will cause me to trip and fall. R Kelly wrote a song called ‘when a woman’s fed up’ that kind of sum’s it up for me. If he didn’t treat me right while we were together, why should I grace him with the benefit of having me as a friend? I don’t think so. I may have a couple of them as aquaintances but definitely not friends. When I’m done, I’m done.
Thx and may you continue to move forward to your true destiny!!
You always seem to hit the nail right on the head. My ex has several women he is playing at one time, I wish I could introduce them all to this site. I am a very fortunate woman have sought out and discovered this site that helps so much in my grieving process. I have had no contact for two months now and holding strong.
Thank you,
M
I started my relationship with my EUM after being friends with him. He seemed so sweet and sincere and just a decent guy. It is horrible what happened once we got intimately (if you could call it that) involved. The covert emotional abuse, calling me needy when I complained about it, the totally mindfucking that went on is outrageous. And, of course he came back years later to “apologize” and rekindle the relationship. I thought maybe he actuallly was a decent guy that just was too young to appreciate a good girl when he saw her. Unfortunately I was wrong. This is his CHARACTER. Not timing, being too young, a mistake, whatever excuse he gave. It was his soul that was totally unable to love or empathize with me (or any other girl for that matter). The sad part is that I believe he can be a good friend/person to people he does not date. I believe it is his innate belief that his “woman” does not deserve to be treated well and shown love. It is so confusing and baffling for a typical person to understand. Now, I have nothing left to do but to work on loving myself enough to not attract another man like this.
I so much needed to hear that, it just came exactly at the right time…no kidding….exactly!!! Thanks Natalie!!!
“They’re still lacking in empathy. They’re still self-centred. They’re still selfish, unthinking, deluded, untrustworthy, in need of an ego stroke, looking for a shag, controlling, deceitful, unyielding, or whatever their prime behaviour is.”
What I learned is that somebody like this isnt suitable for a good relationship.Loving is about the other,is about worrying about the other person’s happiness and well being like if it was your own.It is about having empathy for her fellings and wants.And somebody that is self centered just isnt capable of that.
this is sooo true, I tried being friend with my X but it just caused me more pain, It was just reflection of feeling to be with him some day, like i was secretly begging him to except me in his life. It feel good to see myself with whole new way after almost 3month of NC, It feel g8
Thanks to you NML you saved me many years of pain!
Natalie,
You are such a resource to help women recognize these patterns.
I refer your site all the time. I learn so much!
Thank you!
Robin
Amazing to think back and know this EU was devastated at losing the ‘love of his life’. She left him 5 years ago and he crashed big time. for five years he has used the excuse to drink, drug, sleep around, be a lotal ass to everyone… that he isn’t over her and no one will match up. I can tell you now..I saw how he treated her toward the end of their seven year relationship and she had every right to jump ship and run for her life. He was mean, selfish, controlling, unthinking and decietful when he was with her ‘ ooohhh the love of his life’. My god. Who the hell do they think they are!
just goes to show you how many males there are parading as white knights who turn out to be nothing more than wolves in sheep’s clothing with an agenda.
I was recently at Indigo looking in the “addiction” section, in search of something to help me further along in breaking my “addiction” for my EUM/ASSCLOWN.
I came across an interesting book – “Adult Children Raised By Alcoholics”
I sat for an hour and read through it… unbelievable – how the description matched my “man” and our “relationship”
As i’m sure many of us here know – they cannot empathize with us and are trapped in their own deluded world. For many years my heart went out to him… but there is a breaking point. Their childhoods are a reflection of who they are today, true. They had a mother or father that was abusive, a drunk, unavailable, neglected them – FINE.
Do something about it – get help, see someone! Make a better life for yourself!! Do they not see that this needs to be done??
The book made it very clear that they do NOT recognize their own behavior as being “bad”, or “abnormal”… how could they??? They don’t know what normal is.
They’ve never seen it, they’ve only been subjected to abnormality, and weren’t able or “allowed” to show any emotion of what was taking place in their homes.
I’m not at all saying that all of our experiances are the same, and all EUM’s have gone through this, but it’s highly likely that many have.
Do we want men like this in our lives??? Even as “friends”???
Not me.
Superb timing. This fits to a T. Ive visited this site many times to help me find the strength to be fair to myself and get rid of ‘my’ assclown for good. Many times, Ive fallen for his “i dont want to lose you in my life, I still wanna be friends” crap. Ive recently stuck to my convictions; and denied him any more of this ‘friendship’ because the reality is… its not a friendship. Its easier than saying goodbye, and he is still the same assclown either way, AND its really more like an ongoing booty call anyway. Interestingly, when I hear HIM saying goodbye to ME, it didnt feel as great as I wish it would…and he was more concerned if I ‘hated him” now. The chip on my shoulder nudged me to rebuke, and profess my love for him yet again, but the love I have for myself has stopped me. Lets hope self love wins long term!
Yes! It is All About Him. Not all about Our Friendship.
Just because he fully unloaded to me about his personal tragedies of the last year, complete with detailed personal info and “secrets” doesn’t make us friends. He needed to vent and I was there – that’s all. It isn’t a sign of anything more, or anything more positive. It isn’t intimacy.
He isn’t trustworthy with my secrets or the details of my life. Nor does he seem to be interested. One good listener and one good talker does not a friendship make.
I broke things off with my EUM via telephone 1 week ago. Immediately,after apologizing for not being emotionally available and maintaining that he is still not ready to have a serious relationship after 2.5 years, he says that we should take a couple of weeks to “see how I feel” ( meaning me) and we can still talk on the phone. I was in tears and didn’t turn him down outright. But I have deleted him from my phone,computer.Facebook- everything. It’s hard to sum it up in a paragraph- this guy actually was there for me- when i was sick,took care of my son when i ahd surgery and spend holidays together when possible. But Valentine’s Day was silent- did not call me until 10pm,saying we could celebrate the next weekend when we didn’t have our kids. Our usual schedule was to spend our free weekends with each other- sandwiched in between soccer season committments. I never saw him play once. My take was, after 2.5 years and everything that had transpired between us, makign time for dinner should have been a priority- kids or no kids- they can stay on their own and do when he works. I had enough and although it hurt terribly to realize that indeed, this was a dead end- again, I confrotned him the next time we spoke and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I will not call him- I don’t remember his number and would have to search through cell phone records to find it. If he calls, perhaps I should feed his own lines back to him- “I’m just not ready to talk to you, I don’t want complications”,etc.
I just discovered your website and read the article and I am shocked how right you are. The weird thing is that women still continue to love the guy even thoug it is already over. He may break our heart, treat us badly, but then the guy comes around again and apologizes and we are not ,mad anymore. We simply keep the good picture of the guy in our mind.
I really tried hard to be friends with my former b-friend; it was actually him who always came back into my life. It all ended a few weeks in a very terrible way. I don´t know what to feel in the end, disappointment or simply stupidity because I really belived we could be true and honset friends??
I think the concept of friendship is build on respect and trust, love can grow out of that but it is difficult to move from love to friendship. I see now that even though I liked him, there was nothing he could really add to my life, there was not even one thing he could help me with. It was more of a distraction from my life and myself than anything else.
It hurts at times but what I definetly learnt what a real friendship is all about.
and letting go is the best recipe to grow and gain (something better)
good luck to all ladies who have been hurt and did not deserve it.
My ex was a “good” friend for many years before we got involved, as we were both married.. I do look back and wonder were we ever “friends” or two people in unhappy marriages who got along great but secretly couldn’t wait to jump in bed… yeah, i think that’s what it was.. well, then we did, and it was the sun, the moon, and the stars, or was it? I remember him telling me before we decided to leave our spouses, “i don’t want to ruin this great friendship”..looking back i thought he was such a great guy for saying that and actually caring about the friendship, but it was just one of his many crocks of sht!!! Well, we moved in, and the relationship ended and so did the friendship. It was hard at first losing both at the same time, but as down and out as I was, I realized we could not be friends. He would have been fine with it, the phone calls, ego strokes, etc, but it took one rock bottom experience for me to say “uh, no way”… He didn’t deserve me, a relationship with me, and certainly didnt’ deserve to be my friend. I stand by that to this day, and am sure I’m in such a better place because of it. It’s a lose/lose to try and remain friends, especially when you were the one hurt. NML is correct.. you cannot move on holding to anything related to him.. not even a “friendship” which is usually an excuse to keep them in your life.