A couple of years ago, I received an email from Baggage Reclaim reader RES thanking me for writing this site, and letting me know that in spite of the painful revelations that resulted from reading, she was ready to take a break from relationships (something I recommend to help you gain perspective as distance from situations gives you objectivity) and deal with her own issues whilst she worked on loving and being at peace with herself.
Late last year, another email arrived that was in stark contrast to the previous. After a year out which she describes as “the most difficult period of my life”, she had met someone who was also in stark contrast to who she’d been previously involved and is now engaged. Very happy and enjoying her life, I’m delighted not only that she has met someone and is enjoying a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship, but that she’s also found herself.
Like me, he is not the man she thought she’d be with (we both thought we’d be with our warped image of relationships), but he’s infinitely more because in the time that she took out, she reshaped her image of relationships, and she’s happy. If for whatever reason, something were to change in the future, she also now knows that she has the ability to make herself happy.
She still stops by the site and a number of readers asked her to share some of her wise words and RES shared some of her painful assumptions and beliefs that she’d had about herself and relationships and takes you through the shift in her thinking – this is RES having an honest conversation with herself so that she can have a better relationship both with others and herself – being authentic in authentic relationships.
At the start of her journey, where she was reeling from the hurt of spending the previous 7 years (5 years with an assclown and 2 years with a Mr Unavailable) in dubious relationships, her assumptions and beliefs were (I’ve bracketed my comments]:
1. Relationships are painful. They always end, and there is always pain. I go into relationships waiting/expecting them to end. I wait/expect pain. [This belief ensures you choose partners that reflect this belief – neither of you is heavily invested even if you think you are. Having no faith in relationships is effectively starting out with a heavy level of distrust.]
2. I don’t ask questions because I am afraid that the answers will be too painful. [This doesn’t change the facts plus when we fail to ask questions, we make assumptions and see meaning where there is no meaning – we make it up as we go along.]
3. I need to be validated by others to be happy with myself. [This means you can’t trust your own judgement or be happy in your own skin by yourself.]
4. When people you love hurt you, you forgive them and love them anyway. [Boundaries are required in your relationships especially if you are loving unconditionally without basis and without love for yourself.]
5. I want him because seeking validation from emotionally unavailable men is normal. I loved my grandfather. I wanted him to be happy with me; to be proud of me. He was incapable to giving me what I needed. My father, for the years he was alive was aloof/involved in his work. He was busy and dealing with his own cancer. He didn’t validate me either. [Recreating a familiar pattern and hoping to squash the pain of old hurts by righting the wrongs of your past with your relationships and then inadvertently creating more pain.]
6. If I love him enough then he will validate me. I would conquer my need and defeat it. But is this really true? [No. By the time you’re done trying to get validation, you have even more insecurities than you started out with.]
7. I loved my grandfather. I loved him very much. I still do. I wanted both my grandfather and my father to love me. To show me they loved me. To tell me that I was loved. They didn’t. They couldn’t. I need “Mr. Unavailable” to validate me. This is what loving someone is supposed to be like. This is how relationships work. You love, and wait and hope for love in return. Relationships are about waiting for validation. ‘Holding out’ for love. This is normal for me. [Recognition of the pattern]
As RES worked her way through her assumptions and decided to challenge them, she said to herself:
“Ask yourself, why does anyone need to validate you? I forgave my father, and my grandfather. That’s a start, but it is just a start. What is required now is that I give to myself what I’ve sought from emotionally unavailable men.”
In shifting her mindset by deciding to let go of the hurt she felt about her father and grandfather and instead focus on what she can deal with now and nurturing herself, she accepted some painful truths about her own part in her relationships, which let her get real, and she used them to shift her mindset and create new beliefs:
1. I’m romanticizing something that was making me very uncomfortable and that wasn’t fulfilling on many levels. [It’s important to look at the bigger picture and not just the pockets of ‘good times’. It’s also important to look at what aspects are being fulfilled versus what’s not.]
2. If I’d felt that he was investing in a relationship, I would have been more open to/with him. He didn’t, so I clammed up. That can only last for so long. [It’s also recognising that often the signal to be interested and to try harder for validation comes from knowing they’re not investing and trying to get them to.]
3. However, I knew his history, and I chose to discount/ignore it. [History is very indicative, especially when they’re still maintaining similar behaviour.]
4. I wasn’t comfortable, and I wasn’t happy.
5. I was attracted to him. I had chemistry with him. But I was not comfortable. [It’s important to acknowledge the difference – sometimes we’re attracted to things that don’t actually feel good because they fit our pattern.]
6. He is the center of his world, and that will not change. [Me, me, me, it’s all about me – people like this don’t empathise or consider the impact of their actions. You’re fighting for head space.]
7. I was always second guessing myself because I was never emotionally secure in this relationship. I had to explain and excuse why he wasn’t investing in the relationship. [Never make excuses for someone else’s lack of investment – you’ll create excuses to continue investing]
8. If I’d ‘won’ him over, it couldn’t have lasted. [Recognising that the prize isn’t actually a prize]
9. I have to ask myself why I would continue to want to be in relationship with someone who did not make me a priority. [Being in a relationship requires you to make one another a priority]
10. I am mourning a relationship that didn’t exist. [Permission to let go]
11. Dating a man is not the same thing as having a relationship with one. [Major reality check – these guys can have you feel like you’re permanently dating]
12. Relationships shouldn’t be painful. They shouldn’t be one-sided. I deserve to be loved for who I am.
13. I am beautiful regardless of my age. I am beautiful at every age.
14. I will validate me.
15. I am not perfect. I am human. There are flaws. But overall, I am a decent, compassionate, caring person who is worthy of being loved for who I am.
Your thoughts? Can you see the importance of addressing your core beliefs and tying them into your pattern of relationships?
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Wonderful!!!!
Very insightful! Recognition is the path to self-recovery.
Very nice post 🙂 I can relate with most of it.Like for example: “1. Relationships are painful. They always end, and there is always pain. I go into relationships waiting/expecting them to end. I wait/expect pain.”-I know they dont need to be painfull but when most of your relationships so far were that way you kind of end up expecting it to always be like that.
“6. He is the center of his world, and that will not change. [Me, me, me, it’s all about me”-I also was involved with a self centered man and I know how damaging it can be.How it can lower your self esteem and let you starving for love.
” I have to ask myself why I would continue to want to be in relationship with someone who did not make me a priority.”-Fight for somebody love is so stressfull and painfull,I have done that most of the time but I realy dont want to do it anymore.I learned that love shouldnt be all hard and like a battle to convince the other person to participate.
Interesting indeed and I think that the pattern of constantly “seeking validation” is definitely important to recognize in oneself as the real issue is being comfortable with your self vision, not really needing that outside validation.
This tends to be a big problem with those so called “nice” guys who tend to have problems attracting the women they want. Rather than simply having confidence in themselves, they are seeking validation from the women they are trying to attract, which of course doesn’t help their cause.
I think the same could be said for women in similar situations trying to seek some type of validation from the type of men they desire.
.-= Matt Savage´s last blog ..The Erection Story =-.
Hi Matt!
I totally agree with you. When you make your “value” dependent on the reactions/responses of others, you will be riding an emotional rollercoaster! And as far as women who reject a guy because he is “nice”……Let a reformed AC chaser tell you…. Nice isn’t boring, it’s a blessing. And they don’t always finish last….after all, I’m marrying one this summer. 🙂
Self love is probably the toughest lesson to learn. It seems I yo-yo with it. I have been a mother and caregiver all my life and now I do not know what to do to focus on loving myself. I think once I have accomplished this mission it will not matter whether I have a man in my life.
Dear Natalie,
When I was ready to make changes, your website was an invaluable tool to help facilitate these changes. I am grateful that I had a friend who was able to offer guidance. Whenever I had a question about anything, there was always a post offering me insight. It was kind of eerie :-). I think that people come into our lives for a reason. I am not the same person that I was. I actually feel, well, in my 44 years of living….I finally have the “lead role” in my own life. 🙂 Thank you for everything.
I really value this post. I have sought validation from my relationships all through my life…. simply because I didn’t get any from My father; Mother, they were too involved in their own drama. I recognise that this is something I sought from my partners, and was so totally shattered when I didn’t get it from them either. I came to learn that this is what I get from people who I love in my life…… But what I have to re-learn is that this is not what I want, or deserve, and set about learning to love myself. For when I love myself I don’t seek that validation from others. Thanks RES, your story holds so much familiarity. I sometimes feel that I am the only one on the planet who has experienced what I have experienced. I too, have forgiven both parents, they were doing the best that they could, and love them dearly…. but I have some serious conditioning to undo, to be able to re-learn some new ways. Ways that will be for my greater good and happiness.
I was way guilty of #9. I have to ask myself why I would continue to want to be in relationship with someone who did not make me a priority. [Being in a relationship requires you to make one another a priority]
@Anusha is right love shouldn’t be a battle to convince the other person to participate.
I can’t believe I’ve had to resort to NC. I’m an intelligent woman who has a great job with responsibility, wonderful family/friends and this one man has reduced me to a silly school girl pining over a crush. I know its so much more than that and all of us here at this site have been deeply hurt but man for me its unbelievable I have to make a conscious effort every day to correct what he did.
I don’t understand why him, what is it about him that has me so upset. I’ve gotten over his cheating and leaving. I wouldn’t want him if he did come back, I love myself to much for that and this site has made me realize what a AC he is but God somedays I could just throttle him. Obviously I have some unresolved issues but I’m so tired of trying to figure it out. I just want my life back.
This was the best kind of “before and after” story… a true makeover! Thanks for posting your success.
I loved this post and I particularly loved seeing that it is true that you will come out of this better off. I too, rely upon these posts. My routine is come to work, read my star signs and read this blog!
This week has been a Journey in an honest conversation. I have just been able to make the connections of my behavior and my belief system. One of my beliefs was. . .[ All guys are pieces of sh**, I’m just looking for my peice of sh**.] Basically that was exactly what I was getting.
Now I understand there are guys who also want healthy relationships and are willing to be depended on. A real challenge for me is remembering and understanding how I got to this point in the first place. My natural inclination is to forget about it and go my merry way. When I got a repeat of pain I acted so surprized. I enjoyed living in a fairy tale instead of reality. My belief was [ showing emotions is a sign of weakness]. It takes a conserted effort for me to stay in reality. Sometimes it makes me sleepy and overwhelmed. It is just like learning a new language, a foreign language. I am now peiceing it all togeather and writing it down. I kept reading the responses ” don’t be so hard on yourself” when I was reveiwing the forum or blogs. I had to define exactly what did that mean. I learned it was self acceptantance. I will make mistakes and sometimes be over critical of myself. Understanding that and accept that within myself, is being my own bestfriend. Sometimes when I know it will feel better to look my best and I don’t want to, I say; “H.H. would you be looking your best if you had a boyfriend and he was coming over?” “Yup”. . .Then I say. . “.Do it for yourself. . .treat yourself as good as you do a boyfriend”. That helps me remember how to be my own best friend.
The term emotionally unavaliable needed to be defined for me explicitly. http://www.ehow.com The term emotionally unavailable usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others as an effort to avoid emotional inimacy. I now know what signals to look for from this site bagggage reclaim and others, but the problem in totally understanding the emotional unavailability concept took an exact definition. The reason why was because I would continue to miss read the signals that men would want me to pick up on. . . and things would go from bad to worse. Understanding my losses in childhood and healing are lessons I am continually learning each day. Slowly I make strides as I change my beliefs and every day I become more emotionally intimate, set boundries ,and heal my injured selfesteem for myself. It is a great comfort to know, I am not alone as I learn to stand on my own two feet.
I haven’t had a pattern to look at for the last seven years.
WOW – that’s my life in someone else’s words. I followed the same path – held the same old beliefs – suffered the same consequences.
I too have re-examined my life, took responsibility for my part and learned to love me as well AND I am also getting married this summer to a wonderful emotionally available man with both of us wiggling toes together.
Great post. It’s hard to think that I have never had a supportive relationship in my life! I really had given up ever finding anyone decent. Thank’s to you I am concentrating on some self love and getting real about things. I can finally admit I do want a supportive healthy relationship, hopefully there is someone out there who will love me for who I am. It’s so clear that all the problems with the ‘pattern’ of bad relationships that I had were down to me, not them as I used to think. A severe lack of boundaries in the past but I feel I have got to the root of my problems finally and look forward to a new future.
I loved your last ebook and I can’t wait to buy your new one,
Many Thanks x
Normally, one should know there is life after the EUM, but sometimes when one is in the thick of it, one forgets…Really needed to hear a success story now as well as the steps to recovery…Thanks RES and Natalie for this one…
RES is a smart woman. We can’t fully be present and loving in a relationship in a healthy way until and unless we are healthy, present and loving to our selves.
Taking time off to focus on that (not in a self-absorbed way!) is key.
Yet, we all know this, but often do what we want anyway; it’s easier and gives us what we think we want right now. That’s why there are so many relationship experts and self-help books.
I think, unfortunately, you have to be in crisis mode to “get” it. Wish that weren’t so, though ….
.-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..The end of the world as we know it =-.
But what I have noticed is that women are the ones who strive to getting healthy, present and loving to our selves. But what about men? Most of them dont read books or search websites on how to improve their relationships and themselves. Its like an unfair balance where we seem to do the dirty work while they just move on to their next victim.
You know, it might not be a bad idea to follow men’s examples sometimes and not make relationships the center of our lives and instead go out and look for adventures and interesting things to see, do and learn.
Thanks for the great post about beliefs. One popular limiting belief is “I’m not worthy to be loved or to be successful, so I’ll give and give and rarely say no, so I can prove I’m worthy.” The interesting thing is that there is no marker (even after 50 years of giving), where they say, “Okay, I’ve done this much, so now it proves I’m worthy.” It’s a vicious cycle until the limiting belief changes.
.-= Lenora´s last blog ..Happiness Decreases Cardiac Risks =-.
This post inspired me to write my own list and I had a big revelation. When I was writing down in two columns, one of what I feel for him and one of what I don’t feel for him, I couldn’t decide were to put: respect. It was the worst insight I have ever had in a while… Why do I care for someone I don’t respect?
.-= leeluh´s last blog ..Sucio Familiar =-.
NML,
Thank you for this enlightening post! Kudos to RES! Girl, I’m right behind you!
I too am going through my journey of self-realization, again! LOL I laugh because I’ve come to accept that this is an on-going journey. I have to keep checking “in” with myself to ensure that I’m still the “real me”. I’m still the woman who I’ve become after going through all of the things I’ve gone through in life that made me who I am today. I still hurt. I still want. I still care. I still cry. I still love. But I have to check-in with myself once in a while and I’m at that stage of my life again.
LIke I’d mentioned before, I am a WIP (work in progress). I’m constantly growing inside and within and I have come to accept that this is part of self-love to constantly say to myself, “are you okay? Are you getting what you need? Are you loving yourself, putting up boundaries and ensuring that the people around you know those boundaries and that they’re unacceptable to you”. Taking time to do something nice for myself and one of them is therapy.
Bravo RES! Thank you for allowing us to see a part of “you” in these pages and sharing “you” so we can all learn.
hugs!
Sherry
Hi Sherry!
Your comment was beautiful. Please don’t think that my “assumptions” list represented and “end” for me. It was only the beginning. LOL. We are ALL a work in progress. ALWAYS! And do you know what? That’s totally OK! One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that in life there are no easy answers, no perfection. There is only what is REAL. And although I’m not living my fantasy, what I’ve found that being “present” in my own life has definite benefits. I feel a sense of total and complete freedom that I wouldn’t trade for anything. With or without a partner, I will live my live according to what “I” want!!
Hugs right back at you, and again, I’m right with you. We’re all learning together. 🙂
Great post once again.. I can relate to many of these. Especially
#2 I don’t ask questions because I am afraid that the answers will be too painful. I have been guilty of this….it goes along with me pretending that it did not matter what Mr. UA did or did not do. Since I have started keeping it real with myself…I have noticed things I have been trying to avoid seeing before. It has not been easy but I a getting through it. Thank you again.
I think this story is very inspirational. Although I have cut contact I continue to obsess about it. This story shows me that although the road maybe tough there is hope and it can be done!
This time last year I was just leaping back into what became the epiphany relationship for the terminal phase. I might have read all these things last year but I’d never have thought it could be me saying it in a year’s time.
It is, though. The last year was lonely, scary and I am not exactly leaping with pride about some anger issues I had – though after suppressing anger for over ten years I guess that was inevitable. Truth is, last year I’d not have recognised genuinely good for me if it had been gift wrapped in gold. A couple of those points definitely applied – and I’d not even remotely have interested the totally different guy I have met. I am still a little wary – only natural – but the communication lines are well open and flowing in ways I have never been able to use with a man in my life before.
What does he prize most of all in me? That I am me. Who can say fairer than that… warts and all. Just remember, that in your darkest hour what you see and feel is probably nothing more than the catalyst you need to change yourself. It hurts, yes, but then again surgery always does in the immediate aftermath.
Butterfly,
You sound like you’re in a great place. I’m very happy for you.
Your friend,
Gayle
I found this website by accident, I had been searching for something , looking for anything that would help me get off of this rollercoaster. I’ve read a lot of stuff out there but nothing really got my attention until now.
I will be checking in often and with your help begin the process of healing.
Thank you for being
i am experiencing another relationship disappointment and after a lot of thinking and analysis i tried to search some things on the net to help me clear things out. i am recognising myself in almost all the “symptoms”. i have followed this pattern for years, for too long. The causes of this behaviour for me are deep-routed and have to do with our childhood and our relationships with our parents. We keep longing for the things we were not given as children. Our confidence is low and rejection is the worst threat, as it would confirm that we do not deserve to be loved. I hope that the first step is realising the problem. Reading that some of you have actually made is is comforting! thanks for sharing!
seriously, a wonderful blog. I just finally got over a “relationship that wasn’t” that lasted over a year with an EUM who is also a rock star. EVERYTHING described here fits him to a tee. For me, the ONLY solution was having no contact – sending his emails immediately to delete, blocking facebook access and ignoring him when I have to be at events where he is. I spent so much time trying to get his validation only to realize one night after watching him that HE was actually not good enough for ME.
These posts have been enlightening in helping me see through so much of the BS I couldn’t understand because, frankly, I’ve never met anyone who was such an assclown – normally I’m smart enough to run. And in retrospect, I knew 6 weeks into this that I should have. Keep these up.
Whilst this article is enlightening…how did you actually move from where you were to where you are now? I often read the articles on Baggage Reclaim…and they make sense in my head, but sometimes I just don’t know how to put things into practice. Especially in this case – I do share some of the old damaging beliefs you had, so how do I go about redressing them?