Just yesterday my good friend decided that the drama that was her relationship had to end. Drama dude not only lived with her without paying rent, he also stole money from her 7-year-old son. He wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked him in the face and has been cheating via phone sex with a girl he met online in another state. She called me in the morning to tell me it was time. I went to help pack his crap and to provide moral support
Now, I have to give the girl credit. She had her stuff lined out. She had a friend coming over with new locks and another friend’s hubby coming to install them. But here was the drama kids. Drama dude was asleep upstairs while we were packing him up and changing locks! Can you say awkward and weird?
Of course, in the midst of the whole thing he wakes up and drama times a million naturally ensued. They are in the basement. He’s screaming at her. Friend’s hubby and I are hanging out. My goal in life is to avoid drama and here I was smack in the middle of it. Yikes! Really?
Finally, friend’s hubby has enough and heads to the basement to run interference. When she finally comes upstairs, he tells her this, “Whatever you do, do NOT engage. You can tell him to leave and to leave now, but limit the conversation to that.”
I’ve been thinking about that piece of advice ever since and I do believe friend’s hubby is one of the smartest men on the frickin’ planet.
Whether it be a drama dude you’re involved with or trying to kick to the curb or those nasty drama demons, whatever you do, do NOT engage!
Come on, you know you do it! There you are waiting on his phone call, wondering why he’s running hot and cold or, worse yet, what you did to push him away this time and suddenly the drama demon is knocking at the door. Your head is spinning. You are trying to figure out your next move. Do I call? Do I text? Maybe he didn’t get my message. I should probably email him one more time.
STOP! Stop now! Whatever you do, do NOT engage! Take a deep breath. Realize what you’re doing. Refocus your energy. Head to Baggage Reclaim and read, read, read. Call a friend. Join a 12 step program for drama addicts. Something. Anything. Just do NOT engage the demon.
Because kids if you continue to engage the demon, the drama that is your life will never end. In your sane, lucid moments plan an intervention, a strategy. Know the signs, learn to recognize the demon’s knock on your door and be ready. You are not going to end the drama any other way. Remember, as NML told us, it’s relationship crack and you, my friend, are addicted.
Your thoughts?
Lisa Q is author of the fabulous 40s Singleness blog where she’s cleaning out those assclowns and douchebags like there’s no tomorrow!
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Good post, Lisa Q, yes it is true that drama is a drug and many of us are addicted to it. I have (had) a friend who is completely embroiled in drama with her drama man and his family, and sadly it has caused the demise of our friendship. I felt myself becoming sucked into the madness of her life with this man, and she is becoming “programmed” to be just like all of them, and it was just too painful to be a part of. It’s interesting, because I think that being on the “drama drug” keeps people from having to really face their own reality in life and keeps them in a state of denial about what they are doing. If they can constantly stay focused on, and be a part of the drama, nothing else in their life comes to the surface that they may not want to face.
Lisa – AMEN! Do not engage! Great advice! May I add this can be used on family members as well? NML & Lisa Q you know who I am talking about! LOL
Lisa, this is SO TRUE, and for every aspect of your life, not just your romantic relationships. My BF was miserable for the last two years of a four-year relationship with his ex, and while I commend him for eventually ending it (largely because I lucked out as a result!) he continues friendships with energy-drain types and don’t even get me started on his family. I may get a lot of flack for saying it, but I believe people who influence your life negatively should be cut out, no matter who they are. Lots of people think it’s selfish–I think it’s self-preservation.
Thank you for the post… I really needed to here this Today! I am ending up (4th time) the relationship with EUM, yet I am wondering what he is doing right now.
I tried enough, and it is the time to end.
Brilliant, Lisa Q – learned that one with my father years ago. You may think walking away means you lose, but what you’ve just done is taken the power away from them, because they no longer control your emotions or the situation. Game, set, match – you. Iz xx
Another great post Lisa Q! Do.Not.Engage! That’s exactly what I did to my ma for five weeks and in the end she had to tow the frickin line. I can’t bear the drama and it is actually draining as Honey described. Frickin’ life sappers! I don’t do drama and I feel uncomfortable around anyone that lives off it and wants to draw me in. I have to agree with Honey – you have to drop these people out of your life before the rot sets in. Ditch these men! Ooh I feel like it’s a burning bra moment!
Kim – Hilarious! Yes I do know who you are talking about!
Finally Over It – Yep! Been there and run away from it too. You’d have got dragged down with them too!
Pheobie – Girl, stop wondering. You’ll only end up back at square one otherwise! Embrace the break and run in the opposite direction from him!
Izzy – Exactly! We put ourselves in the driving seat!
Brad
Why does my ex have this need to keep on hurting me. I have broken up with him, blocked him on IM and deleted his number and determined to move on. He books into this hotel where my gym is and sends me nasty emails saying he is town with a new gal and gonna be droppin by to say Hi to me. I ignore it but I am just human, it hurts that he would go so low.
Not to mention constantly emailing me telling me how my family never wanted me, its true they never have and thanks to them I keep picking these EUMs but I am determined for a fresh start but whatever is healing gets ripped apart over and over again. What do I do ?
The cold shoulder. “The rude man, by his manner, requires others be direct.”
When you are done with the relationship, you owe him a clear communication: “It is over. I am done.” At that point you don’t owe him an explanation. You don’t have a responsibility to answer questions. You certainly don’t owe him favors, or second chances, or even the time to listen.
Remember (but don’t explain!) that he lost your trust and your respect. You no longer consider him appropriate in your home and life. Think, “How can I get this missionary/encyclopedia salesmen to leave!”
Don’t reward him by listening, by paying attention. You don’t want to practice lying, so don’t agree to anything, don’t promise anything. Be polite, but skip the courtesies, if that makes sense.
I also like how friends were used to keep a lid on things. The friends present at the least pushed the screaming to the basement, shortened the time wasted, and kept the confrontation from dragging out or getting worse. Another reason for friends. And to reward the friends? Pick a person of good character for your next partner-prospect. Show them with your life that they helped.
You are so right FinallyOverIt! Drama does keep us from facing reality and in a state of denial. My friend, almost a week in, is starting to see that. She is facing old patterns and issues that kept her embroiled in the drama. Good news is that she’ll come out on the other side!
Absolutely Kim & Honey. Drama comes in all shapes, sizes and people even family members. NML’s drama mama and mine are perfect examples.
Glad I cold help pheobie. That’s what I’m here for! 😀
Good point Izzy. Drama demons like to be in control and have the power.
Oh NML I so hear you. There are times when I know I can deal with my drama mama and times I know I can’t. The beautiful thing is I can choose to deal with her when I can and walk away when I can’t.
Exactly Brad! Once it was done, it was done. The only reason he was trying to communicate was to try to worm his way back in. He was in panic mode knowing he lost his gravy train. There was no reason to entertain any more of his madness.
Sindh, he does it because he can. You are going to have to establish a no contact rule here and stick to it! You can’t control what he does, only how you react to it.
“Whatever you do, do NOT engage. You can tell him to leave and to leave now, but limit the conversation to that.”
My dad has a simple, no-nonsense way of saying just this that he has said over and over to me since I was in my late teens: “If it gives you the shits, give it the arse.” Wise man my dad 😉