Annie from The Adventures of Genuine Annie shares some great insights into the disconnected world of Mr Unavailable, the relationships he has after you break up, and what they mean about him. It’s a great reminder that we shouldn’t romanticise or envy the relationships we think he has with others.
Meet Alan, sex addict, woman hater.
Married for 20 years, cheated. Girlfriend for 6 years. Cheated.
Stopped snorting coke and drinking. Met a woman who doesn’t do drugs or drink. Continued his obsessive behavior, but this time by being a workaholic.
Married again now for 2 years, doesn’t cheat (so far), but talks about going to whores. His wife knows NOTHING of his past, what he is really like, what his sexual preferences are, nothing. She doesn’t ask questions and he doesn’t tell her.
They don’t have what passes for a relationship except in that they share a house at night and part of the weekend.
He is STILL an emotionally unavailable man (EUM or Mr Unavailable). Even though he isn’t cheating, he isn’t available.
Meet Jason, married 20 years, wife cheated on him because she said he was cold and self-centered. Immediately began to date after they split up. Dumped girlfriend number 1 after 3 months, was dating girlfriend number 2 within two more weeks. Dumped her after a year. Started dating girlfriend number three within a week.
Simply doesn’t form attachments. Pleasant, polite, monogamous clean cut, makes a good living, well-educated, loves his kids, even tempered, good sense of humor, reliable, responsible – all things that add up to nothing because they don’t translate to loving a woman…
What you get emotionally on date number 1 is all you’ll be getting on date number 100. Was an EUM with the wife, is an EUM with the girlfriends.
Meet Steven, married three times. Successful real estate agent even in this difficult market. Says each of his exes are crazy. Player, slept around, didn’t let a woman spend the night at his house ever, felt any lie was justified as long as it got them into his bed, targeted single Moms because he felt they were desperate to get out of the house and be taken out for dinner…
Married again, wife number 4 who is in her late 40’s was very up front about wanting a man who was financially stable and successful enough to support her. Peter brings her his financial statements, says to her he is willing and able to take care of her.
Peter balks at buying a nice engagement ring, Peter balks at paying for a wedding, they go to a justice of the peace instead. Peter balks at paying for a honeymoon. Peter has her pay him $3,000 a month for her expenses – her car, insurance, her trainer at the gym, groceries, etc.
When she confronts him about his promise to take care of her financially, he says “saying it and doing it are two different things.” Then tells her that he is going to file for divorce if she keeps pressuring him – they’ve only been married 2 months.
Was an EUM before, is still an EUM.
Ladies, these are three classic examples. It isn’t different for him with the woman he will be with AFTER you.
He was dysfunctional BEFORE he met you, while he was with you, and he isn’t going to morph into a healthy, loving, available good guy with the next woman.
It won’t be any different for her. Whatever were the things that you noticed that were his behavior patterns/method of communication or lack of it/ ability to be play head games, break promises, lie, blow hot and cold, be ambiguous, manage your expectations down, etc that will still be there.
So your survival lies in recognizing what he is doing/what his actions show/how he is treating you early on; not investing in a fantasy of how he will change and believing you should just take it slow and be understanding. You can’t be pining afterwards for the man he ‘used to be (which was mainly in your imagination) because people don’t change from great guys to assclowns. They were assclowns all along who finally let their real colors show and you must be willing to do NO CONTACT, mean it, and move on, because you deserve better than a EUM who can only waste the precious months or years of your life as long as you let him.
Ask questions early on. Don’t assume. Be observant. And don’t think the past woman or the next woman had it much different than you did and that he is going to love her the way you always wanted him to love you.
Patterns don’t lie. Don’t be contemptuous or envious – You just haven’t heard their story from HER side.
I’m a big fan of The Adventures of Genuine Annie so do stop by and find our more from a woman who has got very wise about loving herself and letting go of relationships with Mr Unavailables.