Loving Annie is a long-time reader of Baggage Reclaim and has truly felt the pain and come out the other side. I’m very proud of her progress and she’s 100% committed to creating a different experience for herself and letting go of the baggage and illusions that held her back in the past and kept her stuck. Today she shares an empowering exercise for injecting some reality and perspective so that you can, not only let go of the illusion, but create boundaries to ensure that future partners cannot repeat that behaviour with you. This is an opportunity to make use of the ‘coulda, woulda, shouda’ thoughts….
Why does he do this to you ? The blunt answer is because you let him.
Before you rise up in outrage and say, well, anything… think of this :
Write down a short paragraph identifying every every single time in the course of your relationship that he did something disappointing, baffling, hurtful, deceitful, cold, shocking, dishonest, frustrating, etc.
Every time he managed your expectations down.
Every time he blew hot and then cold.
Every time he gave you false hope.
Every time he broke a date or a promise or his word.
Every time his words said one thing and his actions said something else.
Every time you let him talk you out of ending things.
Every single time that you could have left – and didn’t.
Now after each of those examples of his assclown-iness, write down what you should have said to him and done.
Ladies, the pain ends when we choose ourselves and our value over them and our daydreams.
The more stubbornly you hold onto hope, the more you cling to the fantasy that this guy is the man for you (no matter what evidence to the contrary that he is not good for or to you), the worse the heartache gets.
If you had left early on, the pain wouldn’t have been as bad.
You can’t rewrite the past. But you can use the examples of the behavior in the paragraphs you wrote above to know that if a man EVER pulls any of those maneuvers again, you will call a halt to the bullsh*t immediately and end your own cooperation with the game designed to erode your self-confidence.
When you don’t waste your own time, then an assclown can’t waste it.
There is no pain because instead of your heart being violated – your boundaries have been crossed, and you know it it is him and not you. No Contact, done, next.
You take responsibility for your actions in your 50% of the relationship, but you don’t blame yourself. Because you see the situation clearly, you don’t respond like you did in the past by obsessing, grieiving for a long time, or being stuck, because you see clearly.
Now, knowing that you’ve learned, a man can’t treat you poorly. You won’t put up with it. There is no pain involved. It hasn’t gotten that far. He hasn’t been able – with your tacit consent – to play head games with you.
Bravo, ladies, Mr. Unavailabile’s lines don’t fool you – not in week one or week one hundred and one. You see clearly and know you have no interest in someone who isn’t showing that he values you and your time the way you want it to be valued. You won’t ever misread him because you’ll never let him mislead you.
Your thoughts?
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So true, Annie. I let him do all that to me and then I cried and got sick and stayed for some more. I’m fed up of blaming him now. I’ve learned that I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than go there again. Looking forward to the day it stops hurting completely. Think I’m nearly there.
“Why does he do this to you ? The blunt answer is because you let him”
YES, YES and YES I did allow him to do this to me…and it was my fault that I gave him a total control over my soul, body and emotions…NOT anymore! Thank you for the post!
Couldn’t agree more with everything you say!
These videos are older, but their message is timeless!!! (please watch parts 1 through 4) 🙂
An enlightening, easy-to-understand (& at times- humourous) approach to teaching us what ‘love’ truly is…and isn’t!
(deals with – illusions, fear of loss/abandonment, attachment, being responsible for one’s own happiness, attraction, etc…)
I feel it is a wonderful addition to NML’s entire core message!
Since my relationship with EUM/assclown/soul-vampire ended, I have been on a journey of healing, self discovery, and personal growth. Whenever I stumbled, it was because of some illusion (whether it be a memory of “good times” w/ex EUM, or of never finding another “love”, etc..). I feel that these videos totally describe and chuck those illusions to the curb!!! Also, what I personally, thought to be ‘love’ was the very thing that was PREVENTING me from feeling/being/doing/experiencing TRUE LOVE! I sincerely hope you ladies will find it helpful!
xoxoxo
WOW, write everything down what he did, and then write down what I should have said to him!!!!!!!!!!!! Well I should have end it already one month after meeting him, when he first time crossed my boundary….
Thats wonderful, I will do this, I hope it will help me to get rid off my pain faster.
@greatful for NML, thanks for the video link, I think it just changed my life…no kidding….
Ivy : Yes. Once you see what YOU are doing, then you can stop the pain.
Rather than blame him, you know you have found out what doesn’t work for you anymore.
You have standards now, healthy boundaries – the next guy won’t cross that line becasue he’ll know you have too much self respect to keep him in your life if he does.
And if he DOES cross that line, you’ll lose interest and get rid of him.
The amount you suffer is far less because YOU put a halt to it and quickly, rather than denying the facts/hoping he will be different than who he is and getting hurt over and over and over 🙂
Unhappy : Yes. It’s like a light bulb going on, isn’t it ? Totally freeing to understand that you cooperated, and you won’t be cooperating with someone whose actions are hurtful/disappointing/disrespectful anymore.
You become quite powerful inside, and it feels really good.
Control = choice. YOU have the choice, you make the choices, you have the self-esteem to do what makes you feel good rather than allowing in what feels bad 🙂
Ashley : Glad that the information is useful ! When I wrote it down the first time, it was 6 pages long !!! It really helped me see that I could have stopped my own pain LONG before, and why all of a sudden his behavior really wasn’t charming/accetable/excuse worthy at all…
Never since have I allowed a man in who pulled crap that like. One try – and they are history.
And just having those standards and being willing to live by them seems to bring the nicer people in, and the jerks don’t look so cute or intriguing anymore.
You VALUE yourself and being treated well 🙂
Garteful for NML : Yes, the whole self-discovery and layers of understanding, healing and growth that come as you do the work is incredibly fulfilling and healing 🙂
Thanks for the video links !
Jen : Yes, it is really illuminating to write the whole thing down.
I never really saw my EUM’s behavior – or mine – in clear context until all 6 pages of the b.s. were there.
I was as disgusted by his crap as I was shocked eyes wide open about just how I had collaborated with the whole thing step by step…
Seeing that you aren’t a victim – and knowing that YOU have the power and choice to not allow yourself to be hurt more or again is huge.
You realize that you love you MORE than you love the familiar hurt/drama/pattern of stuckness/unwillingness to change what you do that comes with obsessing about a particular man who continues to be disappointing.
It definitely does get rid of the pain faster !
@ Loving Annie : You are absolutely right! ‘Seeing that you aren’t a victim’ is definitely a powerful key in the healing process!!
one of my new favourite quotes is ~ ‘No one can hurt me without my permission.’ 🙂
We are not responsible for the actions of others, we can only be responsible for our own actions…..and our own happiness!
<3
I agree with you Loving Annie we ourselves are to a large part to blame, however should it have been a case of where they did do something wrong and you did speak up for yourself after his actions. For a short while EUM would change his behaviour but it was still all a game to them… Also does take a long time to come to terms that yes you are allowing them to treat you badly but once you are there then it makes it a little easier to do no contact..
I think I’m beggining to finally apply this to my life. I went out with a guy last week, everything seemed fine he said all the right things, but I noticed that he’s started the disappearing act – he says one thing and then I can’t find him. Unlike before, I found myself instantly becoming turned off, and asking myself where have I seen this before – if that guy tries to pop up at some point, I won’t even give him a second thought. If I had done this earlier, I could have saved my self some heart ache. I know that I don’t deserve to be treated like that and therefore his behaviour is unacceptable to me.
I thought this article was so good Loving Annie and so TRUE – thank you! (as are all the articles on this site – thank you NML!). It amazes me how we as women continue to abandon, hurt and cause ourselves pain over and over again for someone that is so toxic and obviously unhealthy, doesn’t care about us, doesn’t relate to us and really doesn’t even SEE us and represents NOTHING of what we insist we are looking for. And yet we continue to cling on to an illusion that this toxic trash is our….. ‘soulmate’? It is tragic.
This site and the articles allow us to see clearly and slowly but surely what we couldn’t on our own due to our own unhealthy state. NML is so right when she keeps reiterating that we attract and invite into our lives people that represent how we feel about ourselves. Because if we had felt good within ourselves, less needy, less unworthy (no-matter if we thought to the contrary), we would never in a lifetime have put up with such bizarre, confusing, uncaring, unloving, selfish, arrogant and in some cases sadistic, ugly, distancing and disconnected behaviour. It just would NEVER have happened to someone who thought more of themselves.
Always remember: it is not the words, it is the actions that determines who a person is. No-matter what they say. And that applies to both people in the ‘dance’.
There is a book that is well worth reading, if you haven’t already. It is called ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by Robin Norwood.
I would thoroughly recommend!
Enlightened
Grateful for NML : Exactly ! You’ve gotten ‘it’ – that magic key to knowing how to be happy, and to feeling free and powerful, and at peace inside !
Tulipa : It becomes a case of you noticing that you have spoken up twice, he has short-term changed twice and then gone back to poor behavior — and so if it shows up a third time you are DONE.
You need to see that it is a game because you have healthy boundaries, and then to end the game. It isn’t up to them.
You no longer allow them the leniency of keeping it going, because you are feeling hurt, disappointed, annoyed or angry – and you don’t want to continue to have those feelings.
When you see and know this, NO CONTACT is much easier.
Cece : VERY GOOD. You are seeing clearly and by not being interested in someone whose behavior is poor, you will not continue the hurt or insult of a disappearing act.
Your self-esteem is healthy and you aren’t interested in being treated like that – BRAVO !
You’ll continue to feel better and stronger because you know if someone treats you well, they can continue to be in your life, and that if someone is hurtful, you aren’t interested in pain, so they are not welcome.
Enlightened : Glad that is was/is useful information for you.
Once you see clearly, then you begin to act differently and become healthier and healthier.
Your comment was wise in its depth and breadth – keep applying that knowedge 🙂
Cece –
Good for you! It’s great to hear success stories from people here. Where you actually applied what was learned and realize how empowered you feel to make better choices.
betterwithouthim and loving annie – thank you for the encouragment,
it continues to a long but enlightening road.
Wow! What an incredible exercise. I have been pouring my pain and thoughts into a journal but seem to go round in circles. This gets to the heart of the matter and keeps it focused there!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Cece : Yes, it’s when you actually start to take action (rather than just thinking / obsessing /talking) that makes the good changes happen. The choice to change yourself and what you are doing is so closely tied to improving your self-esteem.
BetterWithoutHim : Yes, you are welcome. Well said.
ChiTownKitty : You are welcome ! I started mine from the day we met – and ended it 6 pages later.
Only then could I really see one incident after the other what he had done and been – and how I had played into all of it, and continued and deepened my own pain by staying with such a jerk !
I was never able to be “confused” or say “I don’t get it” or “how could he have” again after that 🙂
More good words here. When I found this site last December it was like a light bulb and then became so instrumental in the recovery of my sanity A few weeks of reading and I understood what was happening and what work I needed to begin to do.
A solid seven months of NC found me going through so many stages..confused, blaming him, blaming me, questioning this and that. But the grip of insanity.. why I felt so bad and could not get out of it, that bad feeling I had about me is gone now.
As time goes on the EUM experience becomes clearer to me. Emotionally disappearing behavior can work like a lure to hook the unaware. I think women who give and give, thinking this is how to love and surely turn the beastly behavior around, are most at risk of getting hooked by the EUM. Ask me how I know :- )) Now that way of loving seems so silly to me as I know the bad behavior is so demoralizing. Why would I want to do that to me ?
So,the experience made me wiser, and I believe it is a lesson learned forever, like a kid touching the flame for the first time. Good thing because apparently this AC behavior is prevalent enough to drive a group of women from around the world to seek solace and sanity here. Thank goodness for this site and lessons learned.
I have been lucky enough to have had kind lovers before the EUM, so I am not embittered by the whole experience. If the EUM was your first, or you’ve had a string of them…rest assured, all men are not like them.
But it’s up to us to notice, confront and cut it off with any man who exhibits this behavior and cannot see anything wrong with it. Getting out early on is the way to avoid pain. Staying on is a decision to endure disappointment or much worse. I know what I want in a friend or lover, and it’s not any kind of pain. Thanks for the post Loving Annie, it’s a good one.
Hi aphrogirl,
‘I have been lucky enough to have had kind lovers before the EUM, so I am not embittered by the whole experience. If the EUM was your first, or you’ve had a string of them…rest assured, all men are not like them.
But it’s up to us to notice, confront and cut it off with any man who exhibits this behavior and cannot see anything wrong with it. Getting out early on is the way to avoid pain. Staying on is a decision to endure disappointment or much worse. I know what I want in a friend or lover, and it’s not any kind of pain’
I share a similar experience…..I have only been out with one person that had this characteristic. However, the weird thing was I ALMOST got involved with someone immediately before I went out with my xEUM but I noticed all the negative characteristics and backed out.
Even though we didn’t go out, we were on the brink… but all the negative characteristics showed themselves early (he couldn’t hide them long enough!). Our interaction was all intense (on his side with me being swept along in a cautious manner), ‘fantasy’ of how perfect it was going to be when we were eventually together (he lived in another country and if all worked out with us, he was going to relocate here – I realise now that it could never have happened because he was an EUM and ‘sabotage’ was his bestfriend and is an essential ingredient to be emotionally unavailable), he would be unrealistically romantic one minute then demanding the next, vulnerable and sharing one minute, then controlling, egotistical and childish the next, causing arguments/scandals/chaos and being jealous over nothing and all this was before we had even really gotten together. When I wanted to call off the friendship then he would become the vulnerable, ‘caring’ person that was only like that because of the stress of not being able to be with me his ‘soulmate’ and the stress of not being able to establish the relationship and do the things normal people did because of the distance. It would all be different when we would be together again.
He came to spend a long week-end with me and it was fantastic one minute and HELL the next! Because I looked well, my home was lovely and people in my area waved to say ‘hi, how are you?’, etc. he couldn’t handle it and out came the sly and ‘subtle’ put downs. But I knew his GAME and I would laugh and say ‘I really love my legs, if you don’t deal with it how you want!’ 🙂 ‘I love my hips’ – and he saw I genuinely did not take it on board and his put downs didn’t gain POWER, then he would suddenly agree with me with a powerless look on his face. This attitude sealed his fate because I sent him packing back to his country! No relationship was ever going to happen. This man was soooo handsome, gorgeous body, funny and intelligent intellectually and a lot of women would have overlooked the red flags to be with him
but at what price? The man was so insecure and I thought if he could be like this in one week-end (trying to put down someone you profess to care about and want to spend your life with?!) what would he have been like 6 months down the line? He needed to drag someone’s self-esteem lower than his in order to feel Ok about himself!
So I avoided that EUM. Happily! 🙂
Then 5 months later, I met the EUM that I went out with. I made a few BIG MISTAKES. 1stly – I didn’t listen to my sound intuition/gut reaction. I met him on-line and when I eventually spoke to him via phone he sounded very slightly cocky, pushy (like he was trying to control the conversation) and arrogant. I hate guys like this. They wind me up something rotten and I just have no time for them. I am not attracted AT ALL. And because I don’t care, I can say anything to them without regard at all and I do and Idid with my xEUM!
I told him (within 5 minutes of speaking to him) that something about him reminded me of the someone in my past that I didn’t like at all. He asked why? 2nd mistake! – I revealed my hand – I told him about the EUM that I had avoided and why! Well of course, then my xEUM set out to prove that he was nothing like that and he hid his TRUE character and mirrored mine! That is how he got me hooked in….
In reality he was exactly the same but just with a different face. Even said the same stock phrases, fantasized the same, caused chaos and scandals over nothing, push/pulled, full of mind games, etc. Everything he swore he wasn’t, he hated, he accused me of ……..was all that HE WAS! A psychologists dream case in ‘denial and PROJECTION’.
Also can I quickly just add that I believe my xEUM appeared to have the symptoms/characteristics of someone that suffered from a personality disorder – he had the classic actions/distorted thinking/crazy making of someone that had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This is a mental illness. However, because he was what they call ‘high functioning’ it is not readily obvious but you will know from their bizzare/odd/strange/confusing/strange/irrational/disconnected behaviour.
PERSONALITY DISORDERS are something that a lot of people know very little about and it is a shame because this mental illness is more prevalent in society than we realise and they impact the area of relationships BIG TIME!!! Unbeknown to some (even the person affected) who are trying to make something work with someone who is actually mentally ill.
Most of the relationships on here that I have read are EUMs that sound like they are classic/textbook cases of men with personality disorders. What you don’t realise is that the day you said ‘hello’, your relationship was destined not to work because they were with mentally sick and emotionally unstable individuals. It had nothing to do with YOU.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, check out this website and read some of the posts and you will hold your breathe and think they were writing about the actions in your relationship (‘interaction’?). It is a support forum for people that have had the misfortune to have had/be still in/trying to disengage and go no contact (NC) from someone who has been diagnosed or is undiagnosed and ‘appears’ to suffer from BPD.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0
Enlightened
Hi Enlightened,
I’m sorry, but aren’t we simply excusing bad relationship behavior by trying to attach a syndrome/disorder to it. Perhaps, this disorder applied to your ex-90% women affected-but I really think we are letting these guys off the hook when trying to find a reason or excuse as to why they behave the way they do. These people are adults and need to be accountable for their actions, just as we do for putting up with the nonsense.
I’m not trying to challenge you, I just think it makes it too easy for them.
Aphrgogirl : You learned well, and thank you for the compliment.
As you found out, blaming him doesn’t accomplish anything.
Insight however, into what brings you pain or pleasure, and then taking the actions that support you in each case does.
When the clarity comes, it is such a gift.
Out of the chaos and disappointment comes healing and the knowledge you’ll never repeat what you did to cooperate with the hurtful behavior — nor allow anyone in again who does not consistently treat you well..
Your last paragraph exactly hit the nail on the head, and what would be wonderful for each and every woman to know…
Enlightened : Sounds like you saw both of them for who they were/are. Sometimes we learn quickly and then sometimes it take s a little more time.
Either way, you’re smart to pay attention. Listening to your intuition will save your heart much grief because you see the red flags fast and pass.
It doesn’t matter WHAT his personality disorders are – it matters that you don’t feel good around him and you take action on that and leave.
Otherwise you can spend months or years analyzing him and his foibles and flaws and wasting your time.
The thing to do is focus on improving your healthy boundaries 🙂
A BPD personality cannot co-exist with someone who is healthy. The healthy person will ahve no interest in rescuing them or riding the roller coaster…
p.s. Aphrogirl,sorry I spelled your name wrong – I have a severe case of ‘need spell-check’ !
Three months after my last (and first) post, it’s finally over. NC for one week. Yay for me. It hurts.
It seems I fight the ever-present, pathological urge to hunt him down and explain away the things I now know went wrong, an effort I fear that is strictly self-serving and will never yield the result of what I truly THINK I want.
There are myriad ways he crossed boundaries and stepped on my heart, right from the beginning, but I refused to look at them for fear of, I don’t know, being alone some more? Not giving him a chance or the benefit of the doubt? The delusion of being the one to rescue him from his heart-sickness? Or maybe I was just flattered by his attentions which shouted down the alarm bells jangling in my head. The excellent childhood training I received kicked in and I ignored the pain, anger and disappointment I felt each time a line was crossed, most grievously when he persistently dragged his ex-wife into the conversation. In reality, it was I who got dragged into the conversation about him and his ex-wife. Clearly what he needed was an ego boost and diversion from the very real pain in his life, not a truly loving and responsible commitment to another human being. Failing to offer that to me, I activated my expertly honed denial mechanisms and superimposed my “dream scenario” over the truth, betting on his potential and my own systematically un-proven ability to transform someone into the perfect companion for me. To be fair to myself, I didn’t conjure all this up in a total vacuum. He did throw me enough to get the wheels turning, and I hung on in spite of all the reasons not to.
I’ve been exploring why validation is so important to me from other people. I’m just at the discovery stage and wondering how to get over this crippling need. I need to learn to validate myself, not rely on others’ opinions of me or opinions of my feelings to know whether or not they are legitimate. Certainly the roots lie in my childhood when I, like most children, was taught that my feelings didn’t matter and it was best to ignore or discount them. How inconvenient for most adults it is when their kids are sad, angry, hurt, confused or frightened. My own kids have suffered this at my hand in the continuation of this dreadful cycle. What was I so busy with? What could be more important than the contents of my childrens’ hearts, that I didn’t have time to listen?? We’ve all been taught to be experts at ignoring what’s inside.
The fact that I am every bit as emotionally unavailable as he is is dawning now, bright and clear. I was drawn to so many things about him…his candor, his humor, his PAIN and angst, even his DOUBT, because on a subconscious level his lingering attachment to his ex and all the attendant feelings provided a safe buffer zone for me, somehow knowing we could never get too close. I both resented and cherished his stubborn bleeding heart, because though I profess to want intimacy, I needed HIS walls to protect me from my own fear of vulnerability. I could play the role of the rejected and wounded lover, but my choices served me just as well. How’s that for convoluted and co-dependent??
So, now I’m getting a clearer picture. I just have no idea where to go from here. This is a deeply ingrained pattern in me. I guess the first step is recognition. Check. I suppose airing out my own fears of intimacy and rejection and comittment are next if there’s any hope of me moving past these patterns and forming any kind of meaningful and honest connection with anyone, ever. For that I hope to engage the services and expertise of a very wise and insightful therapist. I don’t want to be afraid any more. I want to attract and invite people into my life that have a heart free enough to love me, but I need to learn to love and honor myself first. I have such a long way to go.
I hate that these lessons are so painful, causing all this collateral damage along the way. I hate giving up on something and walking away, because I’m “malignantly optimistic”. I don’t wish to leave any one else’s heart in a destructive wake ever again, especially my own. My intentions are good, if not mis-guided and deluded. I do think that love and acceptance from another person can be healing and soothing, but the recipient needs to be equipped and ready to receive it, or it never sinks in and leaves a mark. That’s where I think God comes in, healing the wounds that keep us from being receptive or fertile for love.
This is difficult, but imperative work. Once again, thanks for all the wisdom shared on this site!!
Loving Annie, I think the lessons you have taught here are fantastic and infinitely wise. Every time we indulge in the excuses, the smoke and mirrors, the illusions we are delaying the inevitable. What you’re talking about is getting rational, real, and objective and that is incredibly empowering.
Thanks everybody for your comments which have provided even more food for thought.
We can create all the excuses we want to give love to people that don’t deserve or recognise it. We can come up with umpteen excuses for why someone may be the way that they are but at the end of the day, these are two things that represent denial and avoiding dealing with you. We have to get out of this mode of looking for a ‘condition’ that they are afflicted with because as Gayle rightly points out, it’s like letting them off the hook. It’s not even about keeping them on the hook – it’s about recognising that you have to refocus your energies on *you*.
Becky – we have no right to assume that our love is the one that will heal. If someone needs to be ‘healed’ it certainly won’t be through you but because of themselves. If someone had self-love and healthier attitudes towards relationships, they’d be equipped so you’re sort of chasing your tail…
Hello. I finally did this exercise (about writing down all the times your EUM or ex disappointed you, etc…) with respect to my most recent ex and it was a GREAT exercise. I’ve been writing on here for the past six weeks or so. One thing I wasn’t sure of is if my ex is emotionally unavailable. I don’t think he is. However, our relationship needed to end.
What I learned from Loving Annie’s exercise is that in practically all of the instances where he disappointed me – the message was that he did not consider our relationship as serious as I did. Not that I considered us serious, but I was willing to devote and commit time to it above other things in my life. He was not. The things that he placed above spending time with me were pretty superficial and it was a real red flag.
We broke up because he did not want the kind of commitment that I did and we “were in different places”. That’s the truth.
It’s funny, after doing that exercise yesterday morning, it’s like a weight has been lifted. It’s hard to explain. The evening before I was lamenting to my friend that I wish there was a pill I could take to get me through the period of “wanting him back” or “wanting him to change and want what I want out of the relationship” or “waiting for him to come around”.
After the exercise, I think I had a “A-HA” moment when I saw that he just wasn’t looking at the relationship through the same lens I was. Fun times, great conversation and awesome sexual chemistry still does not equal “committed relationship” unless both parties want that. And he didn’t.
So – everything just made sense to me. And instead of wanting him to change now – I just understand that it’s over. We had our run. And I feel MUCH happier and focused on the here and now and my life – without him and without my fantasizing about him being back in it.
Thank you, Thank you!! What a great exercise!
Ashley