Today I have an inspiring guest post from reader Susie of the blog New Day New Lesson sharing her thoughts on relationship attitudes that will benefit any relationship, married or not. I love that at the heart of it, Susie emphasises the importance of getting your own emotional house in order and having your own life.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on marriage lately. My nephew (actually hubby’s nephew but for me it’s the same) is getting married soon and I’ve been soliciting marriage advice from all different types of bloggers in an attempt to give the young couple some good advice to use from the start of their married life together.
Even after 21 years of marriage I have learned things. Firstly I’ve learned that people in a non married monogamous long term relationship have the same relationship issues (for good and bad) as do married people.
So what are the marriage lessons I have learned that will benefit any relationship?
Do not lose yourself
Yes it is fun to have someone to do and share things with. Just don’t forget you were two people who had their own lives and their own interests. Don’t give up any friends, hobbies or interests that you really enjoy just do be able to do things together. Your separate time and separate interests will in the end help you bond better.
Work on your self esteem by yourself and for yourself
Each and every one of us in some form and at some level has self esteem issues. With a new relationship and someone paying you compliments, giving you love and attention, your self esteem experiences a boost.
That’s great, but what happens when the newlywed stage dies down, you have kids who tire you both out or you are both just occupied with other things and slowly the compliments and attention taper off?
If you rely on other people for your self esteem you will always feel as if you are lacking something.
Conversely if you work on your self esteem and are proud of yourself, then nothing negative your spouse can say to you will bring you down.
Criticize the action not the person
When you are in a loving relationship why would you want to be mean and attack your best friend?
When you are upset or angered by something your partner did remember to criticize the action that is bothering you. Say it bothered me that you left dirty dishes in the sink instead of you never wash any dishes. They both say the same thing but one right away causes someone to go on the defensive because they themselves are being “attacked”.
Do not complain to your spouse about their parents
Yes I know, not an easy one, especially when they start complaining about them and you wholeheartedly agree. As much as they may be upset or dislike their own parents, hearing your spouse say so stirs up something. Again, if they have done something that you really have problem with criticize the action not them.
Make rules for fighting
Obviously by now you probably have realized that the criticizing the action not the person is a major rule. Others can be giving a time limit and after that ending the argument and moving on. Having a code word that changes the subject while conveying I love you too much to continue this fight.
Do not let fights get in the way of sex. Yes, this is hard especially for women who often need to feel connected and loving in order to have sex. As funny as it sounds, separate the two.
Live on a budget
Money is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. It makes things worse and it makes them worse real fast.
So plan a budget, live within your means and discuss money. Both parties should be involved in the budget making and money decisions. That way everyone is on the same page and no one is “controlling” anything.
Talk about your goals and beliefs
Share your visions. Share your goals and desires. If you know where you are going you can get there. You can help each other and make sure to have written goals.
Respect your partner
Think about how you would like to be spoken to and treated and then treat your spouse a little better. The time and the effort you put into respecting your partner will pay you back 100 times over.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT?
Open and honest communication
Learn how to talk and express your feelings. Don’t let a day go by without blocking out at least a few minutes of one on one talking time. Make sure to listen and not interrupt while your partner is talking. Don’t wait for them to ask you about your day, tell them the things you want to share. And remember you can disagree about things but you should be able to express those feelings as well.
I have been married 21 years and I am still learning. I find that people, especially the younger generation are more open to advice than I was at their age. (Gosh I am making myself sound ancient. Yes I do have a 20 year old son, but the youngest of my 5 kids is only 4.) I envy my nephew and soon to be niece because of their openess and ability to hear and take advice. They are starting off a few steps ahead of where I did.
Any relationship and especially marriage is constant work. Anyone who thinks that marriage solves everything needs to remember that for a marriage to be good you need to work on it each and every day.
Susie is the mother of five kids ages 4-20. She is also a part time ER nurse. She blogs at New Day New Lesson about the lessons we learn from life each day. Check out her weekly kindness club acts of kindness prompts on Tuesdays.
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Thanks Nataly for sharing this post. I really appreciate it. However I have to say, (hopefully I wont sound rude to the writter) But these tips are very common sense, to me at least, since I actually practice as best as I can these tips when I am in a relationship. In a way, I cringed at the fact these tips only work with a partner who is in the same page and the same relationship as I am. Otherwise, all the understanding falls in my side and less in the narcissistic side. Unfortunately assclowns, at least the one I had, would not know or try to learn a thing or two about reciprocating even if he read this article 10000 times. He would think this “gay” or laugh at this. How sad I even got involved with a scumbag in the first place. Hence the reason why I love your post Nataly. I feel I learn something new and very no-nonsense everytime I read them.
actually calling something ‘gay’ is kinda common amongst loads of male friends. It is very thrown round like they’re in a playground and no harm is meant by it. Lots of normal guys will mock all this ’emotional’ stuff but get them in the right mood and they do open up.
No , you don’t sound rude.
Yes, it is common sense. Like everything, sometimes we just need to hear it again.
I didn’t understand the comment about the tips only working with a partner who is in the same page and the same relationship as I am?
Thanks susie for not taking offense I certainly didn’t mean to be offensive or disrespectful to you or your post. Which by they way is definitely a good way to start when being in a healthy relationship. Just being honest to what my experience has been (unfortunately). And what I meant to say by my statement was that these tips are great and even necessary when being (quoting you) “In a loving relationship”.
These common understanding in relationships is nearly impossible with an AC/EUM because the relationship tends to be one sided and not based in love but control over the other partner.
I think I will save this article and re-read it when I actually get to be in a loving relationship in which my partner will understand and agree to these tips you have pointed out (sigh).
But one thing I wanted you to know is After reading your article I realized getting out of an AC/EUM relationship can be such a shocking experience that you are now left amazed that there are actually non-selfish men out there that actually work in relationships and that alone gives me hope. So Thank You.
PS. On a side note. I made an observation today reading other readers post and I realize that some women (and btw that has been me at some point as well) when they dont agree with you or your comment instead of saying:
“Me, I respectfully disagree with you/ your comments because of {insert reason}”
They make an indirect comment. A comment targeted not the the person they are actually talking to (NML) but to the person they disagree with (ME). And by doing that they are not only being insecure of themselves to speak up but also create a whole other problem and getting the initial person they were talking to completely confused by their statement.
And I want to make myself very clear that I am in the least offensed by this action if anything is a kinda funny. But I am pointing it out because this action is very timely and relates exactly to your post susan.
One lesson that can benefit any relationship is having “Open communication” I have to say this is my very favorite of all and I have been trying to stick with it specially with my new relationships.
I heard once “Communication is the response you get”. This is exaclty right. If one is not being clear, open and honest when communicating disagreements, desires, what bothers you etc. how in the world would you be able to form real relationships with real people in life?
Anyway is just an observation, a thought and something new that I learned today.
totally get what you’re saying re: assclowns who would scoff at this or even agree with it then put very little effort into it.
also agree on how shocking it can be for a while to witness good, healthy relationships with men who fully participate and communicate, when just out of a debacle with an assclown.
I think , regarding my first sentence….the common sense would be: Don’t marry an assclown! lol
Well, I guess people now have some guidance and possible benchmarks for non-AC/healthy relationships, something that has been asked for more than once on the threads! Thanks!
Elle, I’m finding it a tad difficult to gauge the tone of your comment but there are plenty of posts – there’s nearly 1100 posts on the site…
How about you start with:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-if-you-feel-good-in-new-relationships-part-one/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-if-you-feel-good-in-new-relationships-part-two/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/nmls-roughguide-to-a-new-relationship/
Oh, no, sorry…I didn’t mean it at all like that. Actually meant it in a positive way. Truly. Re-reading it now, can see how it sounded a bit crap. I have been so immersed in the comments of late and all these terrible experiences (mine included) that it’s a nice and helpful thing to get a reminder of positive stuff. Plus, I was trying to give a supportive comment to the guest writer who has a lovely tone. But what I wrote was absolutely no (intended) criticism or comment on the range and substance of your posts or the main messages of your site. Sorry for the confusion. It was a contextual comment that I should have kept in my head. I think I should not comment for a while…in middle of writing a thesis…not always best for clear expression! Thanks. I really enjoy reading your site and have found it hugely beneficial.
Geez, just read it again and can see how it came across…Sorry.. Was supposed to be a ‘let’s focus on the positives, team! (ie fellow readers)’ moment. Not directed at you. Failed. ; )
Hi Elle – thanks for clarifying. These things happen & suspected it was not what you meant. Best of luck with the thesis – they are all consuming so understand how you feel x
Things are so hard sometimes to read the tone of when it is written. Happens so often.
Thanks Elle for your comments.
While this may be “common sense” I think it is great that Natalie posted this guest-post. I think it is well written, clear and speaks to many of the things which I see in my current, healthy relationship. I think the reason anyone gets stuck in with an EUM is because they cannot/ will not do these simple things. Also, an EUM won’t do these things because one would have to CARE to do them. When the partner in a relationship is not willing to do these things, that’s a big red flag.
p.s. I also really LOVED the tip about making rules around fighting. I’m going to suggest this to my boyfriend, and I’m sure he’ll appreciate it too (since with both sometimes fight unfairly).
Thanks again Natalie.
Thanks Emily. I think one of the most important things in a relationship is your relationship with yourself. If you love yourself and respect yourself and you work on your self esteem you will be less likely to let someone convince you that it is okay to have someone treat you with no respect or knock your self esteem.
I’m not so sure about the younger generation doing better in relationships than the older generations. I just keep seeing more and more divorces and breakups even after the couple has had children, sometimes still very young. I think that perhaps selfishness on the part of both parties or one individual is one major reason for failure.
But then in a healthy relationship all the advice given by the guest author is right on target.
Thanks for sharing.
I agree about divorce being more common. In some ways for good, in some way for bad. Good being that people who are in abusive or miserable relationships can get out. Bad because with today’s mentality of instant gratification, many people don’t work through things that can be worked through.
I have noticed the youth/younger generation are more exposed to many more ideas than we were as kids. Therapy used to have a much bigger stigma than it holds today. There is lots of talk about communication and equality.
Even healthy relationships need constant work and it is constant ups and downs.
Thanks for commenting.
I think divorce is so common now because we are a full-on generation of the divorce pioneers! I guess it became very socially acceptable over the 70’s, 80’s, and for some younger readers, the 90’s. By the late 90’s almost EVERYONE’S parents were divorced. How were we to learn how to nurture a healthy relationship when we were growing up in the time of everyone quitting their marriages? Imagine OUR children! NONE of my 13 year old daughter’s friends have their blood-parents still together in marriage. NONE.(incl. me!) And many of my 6 year old son’s friends parents are already divorced. By the time he’s 13 the rest very well may be. What lessons on a healthy relationship do i have to offer my daughter? I haven’t been in one since i left her father (a relationship past dating). I can only show her and tell her about good self esteem, as i learned it after I left her dad.
I may be be behind the times but “Rules for Fighting”, codes words to change the subject and setting a time limit. What world is this in? I can’t imagine someone who I was having an argument with all of sudden saying “Sorry your time is up” and then expecting me to do an about face and act like nothing happened and everything is now hunky-dory because I maxed out my time. I’m sorry but that is not living in the real world.
And the author is right most women need to feel connected for sex so I’m not sure why she is advocating we put our feelings aside. I’m sorry but If I’ve just been told my time is up or I need to change the subject I’m probably not going to feel like giving a blowjob.
I liked the article except I also did not agree with the sex and fighting part. If I’m not feeling connected or loving toward someone…I’m not going to feel like sexing them until whatever needs to be resolved gets resolved. Not sure why the author is suggesting to separate the two.
Actually MaryC on the fighting part, I very much agree with the author. Why? Because I’ve been with people where fights rage on for days or we ‘make up’ and the tension continues. I (without reading this post) have actually lived by the timing out on our fights and we have (yet) to have a fight that lasts more than a few hours. If you feel the need for a fight to go on and on, then it would be questionable about whether there was an end in sight to the fight. We step back and clear our heads. I’m almost instantly calmer and start to hear myself and what we’ve been arguing about. When we return to the discussion which is what you do after a time out, we have the opportunity to resolve. I really feel that while I understand your point, you have used sarcasm what she suggested out of context.
Re the sex, it’s different strokes for different folks. We don’t have sex when we’re fighting, but by the same token, sex is never and should not ever be used as a weapon – ie withhold to manipulate. By the same token, I wouldn’t stop being polite or even affectionate, as in, if we had a fight in the morning, we may do it with gritted teeth, but we give each other a kiss goodbye.
Thanks Natalie. I did mean it along the lines of not using it as a weapon like withholding because you are angry. There are times I can be upset about something but if I am in the mood just because I am in a fight does not mean I love my husband any less. i am just upset at something he did or said.
MaryC- As far as the time out and fighting. The question is this. When you are fighting, what do you hope to gain from the fight? Do you want to win the fight? Do you want someone to ask your forgiveness? Do you want someone to believe what you believe? Do you want someone to do what you want to do? Prolonged fighting won’t necessary help you achieve any of those.
I find with me that fact that i have been hurt by something clouds my view on what it is that i want. In the end I want a loving two way relationship. I want my husband to understand and respect me and my views even if he disagrees. I want to be able to do the same for him. At times compromises are needed.
So if there is an agreed upon time out or end of fight, you can remember you love each other, that you are upset only with the situation and then work it out.
BTW-you may enjoy a book called Trail to Tranquility by Lazer Brody.
I tend to think men and women tend to argue differently. I’m sure we’ve all experienced an argument where you fight, to him it’s over and asks innocently ‘what’s for dinner?’ and you can’t believe he’s brushed things off, now you’re angry about the original thing AND that he’s an insensitive pig!
Men tend to work out of one brain hemisphere at a time. Women flow between left and right hemispheres more freely.
LOL-with me it’s the opposite. Two minutes later I am finished. My husband can be upset for days and sometimes I won’t even know why. Now if I ask him and he doesn’t wish to share, I take him at his word and move on because the fact that he chooses to harp on it is his problem and I won’t accept it as mine.
ah yes the sulk!
Isn’t it soo very attractive? Especially the angry sulk.
Wow, some really great advice here, thank you so much.
Separate fighting and sex? That’s really interesting. You could also integrate it 🙂
Wise, wise words! Need to print this one out!
What a great post! I especially love the tip about fighting. It’s important to set boundaries when it comes to arguements. Often times, we’re too heated to even consider our partner’s feelings.
Great tips, definitely the more serious side of marriage as opposed to the silly, laugh about it all tips I presented over at Our Mommyhood. lol Thanks so much for stopping by to comment. I really appreciate that.
Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
@TweetingMama
Always stay true to yourself, and remember you were two people when you entered into this marriage, and keep the communication ligns open at all times. Thats what i believe.