In my opinion, there are three types of people when it comes to dating:
There’s the pursuer who is the one who makes most of the phone calls, initiates most of the dates, and really opens him or herself up to the other person. This person thinks they are in control but they really are not.
Then there’s the pursued who is the one who gets to say yes or no to the dates, he or she may not call as much as the other person, answer phone calls, or they are probably constantly busy and seem to have more of a life than the pursuer. This is the person who actually calls the shots.
And, in healthy relationships, you have one or two that are neither in pursuit or being pursued. They are simply going along for the ride to see where the relationship goes. They are confident in themselves, show genuine interest in the other person and they do not allow the relationship to interfere with their lives in any way. Also, they do not overextend themselves and they don’t allow the situation to take them on a roller coaster ride of emotions. They operate on what feels right and, most importantly, they don’t need to have every single thing explained or feel the need to talk things out constantly. That’s a sign of weakness. The other person looks at you like damn, can’t you tell that I don’t like you?
If you want to be in a healthy and happy relationship or if you want to be a healthy and happy person, you have to ditch the two p’s. Or how I like to put it, stop p’ing on yourself and on others.
If you are trying too hard to get someone’s attention, then perhaps that person isn’t right for you.
Why? Because you shouldn’t put yourself completely out there if you don’t see any chance of a return on your investment and you don’t want to be taken advantage of. Do subtle things that will make a person’s senses take note. Be in good shape, smell good, keep your hair & nails groomed nicely and dress in neat/clean clothes. Take a step outside of yourself, look at yourself and make yourself look how you would want your partner to look.
If someone has to flip over backwards or twist themselves into a pretzel to get you to notice them, perhaps you should take a little notice if you are mildly interested because they are showing an interest in you but be sure to take it very slow for two reasons: (1) This person obviously has an agenda and that’s to get you to like them. (2) Why do they have to try so hard to get you to like them? What’s wrong with them? Take baby steps until you figure out whether it’s that they actually like you or if it’s because they are extremely insecure for some reason.
While I’m dishing out advice, do you want to know which part of the relationship spectrum I fall in? That’s easy……I vary between the extremes.
Either I’m chasing or being chased. There’s no happy medium because this is what goes on inside of me. I can tell because of the way I am with other areas of my life. Either I’m extremely focused or I’m a lazy bum. That’s what psychologists mean when they say you attract what’s going on inside of you. Take a look at other areas of your life and find out who you really are because who you think you are in relationships may be totally different from who you actually are.
I’ve decided to find balance in my life. There are some hobbies I’m definitely going to take up like beading and sewing. I’ve been reading lots of books lately and even spending time with friends and family more than usual. Why? Because I want to be happy with myself. I want my being content to show all over my face and project out into the world so I can attract something positive that will enhance my life.
It definitely takes two to tango but if I don’t know how to dance at all, there’s no way I can dance with anybody else. Ya digg???
You can keep up with Sweet KeiKei’s life at her blog Unknown Diva.
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I thought this was a great post. Fallback Girls are often the pursued…initially but when Mr Unavailable redresses the balance in the relationship so that he can take control, he turns the tables on you and FB’s find themselves as The Pursuer, even though they may not see themselves in this way. Relationships aren’t about aggressive pursuit or hanging back so you can test out their interest or get lots of attention, or keep a foot out of the relationship so it is important to find that happy medium. Thanks for a great post.
Hiya,
I don’t know if I agree with this entirely. I agree with somethings – yes, you get what’s on the inside, and yes, it’s nice to have something equal where the two p’s are concerned. I do however see another side to this article which could be likened too, “Don’t bother making any effort at all!”
Let’s face it, not all of us will find the loves of our life through work, or by being friends for a long time first. Alot of us have instant Internet love and sadly, there’s too little effort made at all there. Why? Because making an effort in love for alot of people has become similar to deciding if or when you’ll go grocery shopping.
I still want to make an effort for someone, just as much as I want to make an effort for myself. But I don’t want love to be something I just “coast along with”. People put more thought into buying a house or a car then they do who they fall in love with OR what they’re getting out of it. Effort with what you want first is important, and what you’re prepared to give to someone else is just as important. Hopefully you can give a bit and get alot in return.
Perhaps I’ve misread it, but I never want to stop making an effort for someone who’s worth it.
Cheers.
This is fabulous! I’m so glad you posted it! I’ve sort of being seeing someone and we are both in that place where we are going along for the ride to see what happens. Neither one of us is pursuing or being pursued.
It’s a first for me. I feel no pressure to jump through hoops to try to get his attention. Neither am I bombarded with a steady stream of phone calls, emails, or texts. It’s nice. It’s easy. And I gotta tell you it feels damn good! I’ve honestly never been here before and I find that I like it…a lot!
thanks NML! i’m a rookie when it comes to writing but i know for a fact that it’s hard when you haven’t been given the tools needed to build a healthy relationship so i wrote this and thought that maybe someone would be able to relate. i appreciate u posting it
lotsacoffees,
I do understand what you are saying but I did say that in a healthy relationship each person shows genuine interest. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making effort but when it’s not reciprocated is when there’s a problem, in my opinion, especially if it’s for an extended period of time. I believe that relationships are meant to be give and take and if one party is constantly taking then perhaps they don’t feel the same way as the other person.
Sweet Keikei,
I think when it’s not reciprocated then it’s either not a relationship or a relationship that suits people. There are givers and takers, nothing will ever be equal, similar to the old expression, “In a relationship one person usually loves the other more.” Sad but true, and I’d love to romanticise equal relationships but chances of it are unreal. Conversely I don’t want to become cynical about it either, and if could all afford to give a bit emotionally – without wondering what’s in it for me? – we were probably all be alot happier. The trouble these days is – everyone wants attention but not many are prepared to give it unconditionally. You then end-up with no one bothering to be either the pursued or the pursuer. Socially more and more of us are going solo because we expect others to do things for us – often without bothering to think what we could give in return.
Cheers
Actually lotsacoffees, if you were on a general dating and relationship site, I think your point would be more on point, but the primary subject discussed on this site is emotional unavailability. There have been countless posts, ebooks etc about it. This is a site about people who are struggling with their relationships, potentially carrying emotional baggage and they want to empower themselves to aspire to and be happier, healthier, and in better relationships. KeiKei has had issues with Mr Unavailable’s and fallen into the unhealthy patterns that she has mentioned, like the thousands of other readers. As LisaQ pointed out, who has also fallen prey to the same issue, it does make a difference when you take out unhealthy patterns of pursuing and being pursued. She asked for a happy medium, not to give up on love, men, or herself. I would like to stress that this site isn’t asking people to be cynical – it’s more of a sort your own issues out and then see what type of relationships you want then.
lotsacoffees
to put it in your words and to also expand off of what nml wrote, i just want to say that, yes, the reason many of us are at this site is because we have been pursuing non relationships and relationships that do not suit us and in essence i wrote that for myself and for others to wake up and start to engage in things that feel good.
you are absolutely right, nothing is ever equal but no one should lose and i feel that i’ve been allowing myself to lose and i’m tired of it. i used to fool myself into thinking there was something there but now i need some reciprocity or affirmation that there is indeed a relationship. that’s all i’m saying
I’m guilty of hoping and wishing “something” was there with my ex … and there was, only it was just there for me!
I dont understand why I let myself wait around for a change to take place – that suddenly he’d see value in me and the “relationship” enough to put forth some effort! I am not sure I ever gave him a chance to even try – I was too busy chasing him. By the time I got wore-out from all the pursuing, he was used to me doing it all. I set up my own pattern.
Even though he told me he did NOT want to be my boyfriend, he said that he liked having me around because “I took such good care of him and us” – He said he wanted ME to be in HIS life, but he did NOT want to be in mine (I have 3 children). Isn’t he awesome?
So, I’m done. If and when there is another guy, I hope I am wiser with how much of my heart I give away. My days as pursuer are over.
Keikei,
Some relationships (or whatever their guise is) are just crap. Learning curbs and not necessarily our lesson either, but the other persons. Hang in there.
NML
Yes, I enjoy the site immensely – always a good read – still it’s about open opinions and being progressive.
A book which I feel everyone may get some benefit from here is called, “He’s Scared / She’s Scrared” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. And having read that, I’m of the belief that BOTH men and women are emotionally unavailable. I don’t think the sex with a dog between their legs take kudos on EU. In fact, as I believe, and the book confirms, the emotionally unavailable usually attract each other. Whilst we are busy blaming the other person for who they are and what they’re doing how many of us really know who we are and realise how we attract those sorts because they are mirroring who we are underneath.
So, like Keikei’s point suggests – which I did agree with – we attract from the outside what we feel on the inside.
The best practice to abolish the EUM’s is to stop being an EUW ourselves, and work-on our own self-esteem and how we can love ourselves enough to truly love someone else. Hopefully, unconditionally.
Cheers.
I’m sorry but I hope you don’t mind me saying NML but lotsacoffee your comment is SO patronising. All NML has done is try to educate women about the fact that they are as much a part of the problem as them and that’s what leads me to believe that you haven’t read many of her posts. Almost every single word you wrote shows that there is no way that you have been reading this site. It is really condescending to tell someone it’s about ‘open opinions’ – it is but the point that she was trying to make is that you’re not saying something that isn’t already known because it has been said a thousand times – by her. She has just written a book about Mr Unavailable AND the Fallback Girl – TWO EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE PEOPLE!
Also by saying it’s about being progressive you are suggesting that what she writes or publishes is not progressive. That is extremely rude and I think if you’re going to take the time to check your facts then don’t comment. I think you are also picking on KeiKei so just stop. She wrote the post to show what she is learning as a result of already being enlightened about emotionally unavailable men. NML I am sorry for being so vocal and normally I email you when I have something to say but I have been following these comments and I just find her tone SO offensive.
Well since my name came up…hehe…I guess I’ll jump back in here. I’m not sure which I find more offensive lotsacoffees…quoting another book saying exactly the same thing NML has always said & calling it progressive or attacking Keikei’s post and point of view. I’m all about everyone voicing their opinion but I find offense in it a) at other’s expense and b) doing with a condescending tone which says your opinion must be the “right” opinion…
That being said, I apologize NML if I’m out of line but damn! Obviously like attracts like. My whole dating career I’ve been a fallback girl dating EUMs. It’s only in the past couple of years that I recognized it and began to work on my own issues and well, fixing myself.
I’ve come a long damn way. Anyone who knows me or who has read my site on a regular basis can vouch for that. All of that being said, I still have to agree with Keikei. Not pursuing and not being pursued doesn’t at all imply that neither of us isn’t putting out effort or that we are coasting along. Not even close. We both put forth effort and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. We speak on a very regular basis…the give and take of that is pretty equal. We see each other as often as possible (we live about 80 miles apart) and that in itself requires effort.
And we met online…an internet love as you called is lotsacoffees…one which you said doesn’t get lots of effort. It means a helluva lot more to both of us than grocery shopping and I’m offended that you downplay both my relationship and my progress.
I am quite disgusted all you girlies take everything so personally. No wonder why you are either all alone, fallback girls, or disentangled members from a loving society. I couldn’t give two hoots what you say about my opinion, after all, it is my opinion. It makes me laugh that you have taken things so personally – when they are not personal. Just goes to show what level your self-esteem is.
Remember – when something bites you on the bum – it’s because you let it. Whatever you are responding to that’s eating you up, well that’s your problem and you need to deal with it.
Enjoy!
Laura and LisaQ, thanks for your comments
Lotsacoffees – Also thanks for your comments. I am not going to get into the ins and outs of each of their individual comments because as you rightly pointed out, you are all entitled to your opinions so I can’t stifle theirs and just give you yours. I think though that the difficulty here is tone and that is just one of the difficulty’s of email and comments on blogs. I think that people who have been reading the site/regular commenters can be protective or defensive when they think that someone is being hostile/or whatever they think (btw I’m not saying that that’s you). What I will say though that is right is that you did say something in your comments aimed at me which would give the impression that you hadn’t read the posts on the site. I could never write about emotional unavailability and place all of the blame on men and not show the very large part that women have to play in the creation of these relationships, and so your comment did suggest that this was the only post you had read.
Does Emotionally Unavailable equal he’s just not that into you?
So what is commitment-phobia? are just two examples of hundreds of posts and 2 ebooks.
I think it is best to leave the comments where they are at that this point. I’m not sure whether your latest opinion was what you started out with, but if you wrote the original comments already thinking that they were “all alone, fallback girls, or disentangled members from a loving society” then I can see how your tone may have been picked up because it seems that you have a large amount of disdain for these women! But..that is as you say your opinion.
Anyway, it’s Sunday, and I’ve just left my one year old and the boyf to respond to these comments and she’s starting to bleat! Thanks for visiting lotsacoffees, sorry you feel disgusted, enjoy the rest of the bank hol.
You know what, you’re absolutely right.
I now understand many of you are here as you would all like to stay victims and I’m ready to move on from that.
Good luck though.
Cheers.
I think like many people who seem reasonable at first – lotsacoffees showed her or his – true colors in her last comment.
Just like an EUM who seems nice at first, and then manages your expectations down.
We’re all learning here.
And getting much good out of NML’s wise posts and insights.
And discovering how to be more emotionally available oursleves, putting in healthy effort when healthy effort has been given to us, and not going down a one-way street with only hope as our guide.
Obviously you were on the internet and looking at relationship sites for a reason.
Perhaps other dating sites may be a better fit for you, lotsacoffee. if being a EUM or a fallback girl doesn’t apply to you.
Kei-kei, you didn’t neede me to stick up for you – you were doing quite well on your own.
I just couldn’t let that last deragatory comment go unaddressed.
Well I personally was expecting lotsacoffees response. The disdain that she felt for readers and the disrespect for NML’s site was very obvious and she was just being passive aggressive in her earlier comments. What I can’t understand is whilst she may feel hateful towards readers – why does she feel that way towards NML? Yes there are some women in these situations that want to stay victims but actually, that has nothing to do with the issues with lotsacoffees comments. I took offence to someone coming here, trolling and being rude to the author of the post, patronising the owner by not only promoting a different book and making out that she had a revolutionary point of view, but also lying and saying that she had read the site. If she had, she wouldn’t have pointed out the already stated. I am not a victim and lotsacoffees I hope you find what you are looking for on other sites.
lotsacoffees, sorry it seems like you are a target. Harsh words do seem to divert communication into defense, and I doubt we meant to make you feel unwelcome.
In your comment you said, “Perhaps I’ve misread it, but I never want to stop making an effort for someone who’s worth it. ” That stands out for me. Because this Baggage Reclaim, for me, is about dealing with why we pick an *unworthy* partner, and about dealing with a particular kind of wrong match – the emotionally unavailable person. What I call a perpetual dater, someone with no clue, interest, or intent to move beyond an everlasting dating lifestyle. So, the assumption is that 1) we picked a partner that is *not* worth it, is not worth any effort or time except to get ourselves away to a healthier place; and 2) we *picked* the wrong partner for some reason, some reason that we have to deal with so we can choose better next time and so we don’t keep driving away people that would be better for us.
Blessed be.