A friend was six weeks away from her wedding when her fiance abruptly announced, with no prior warning, that he wanted out. Two weeks before, he wrote ‘I love you’ in the condensation of the kitchen window and then, in one fell swoop, the wedding was off. He refused to explain, speak with or see her and cut her and all of their mutual friends out of his life.
The out-of-the-blue breakup devastated her. She could accept that he didn’t want to get married. What she couldn’t fathom was how he could cut her off so cruelly and offer no explanation. Around their wedding date, he forced himself to call… to tell her that he was seeing someone else. And that was only because he’d been seen all over town.
Reader Anne reconnected with an old flame from ten years ago. They’d always kept in touch, and they got together when she visited her home country. Emails, calls, texts, and plans (he said he wanted to get married “next year”) and promises followed. He booked a flight to visit her. They spoke right up to the night before. The big day arrived; he went dark, refused to speak to her and cut her off. During their one brief conversation, he said, “Life will go on with or without me”. When she called another time, he hung up.
These are just two examples of a story I’ve heard many times:
When somebody abruptly ends a relationship and cuts you off. There’s no explanation, nothing, and you wonder what you did and have to process the loss and closure alone. You feel duped, play the relationship back and search for the signs, but ultimately blame yourself. It’s the relationship equivalent of your boss telling you what a great job you’re doing and then sacking you or making you redundant out of the blue with little or no explanation.
So here’s what I told my friend Anne and others in the same boat:
People that break up by abruptly and rather aggressively cutting you off with little or no explanation and pretty much act like you never existed do so to avoid any responsibility for the consequences of their actions and their impact on you so they can press the Reset Button.
Acknowledging even a fraction of their actions would draw them into acknowledging themselves and your feelings. Instead, by chopping you out of your life to break up, they can pretend like you didn’t exist. They can tell themselves anything they like. It’s like, ‘Get the consequences of my actions as far away from me as possible’.
People who break up with zero explanation fear that if they discuss their reasons, they’ll get talked into committing themselves to something they don’t want.
They might even feel bad or, heaven forbid, remorseful.
They want out so badly they have to sabotage your relationship in such an abominable way that it would make it difficult for them to go back (unless very brazen) or for you to believe there was a chance of reconciling. Their actions are about safeguarding themselves and avoiding the commitments they’ve made by sabotaging their way out. And, if they’re ‘lucky’, they’ll get a 2-for-1 deal and you’ll think it’s your fault.
The overwhelming likelihood is that your ex didn’t feel that there was a strong enough reason to pin on you. Rather than admit they’re scared or they want out, they announce they’re out and cut you off. That’s if they bother to say anything before leaving.
Sometimes people become stifled by a situation often of their own making, triggering anxiety and fears about being vulnerable, intimate and committed.
Some like the idea of doing stuff more than the reality. When the future they’ve often billy-bullshitted you and Future-Faked about starts getting too close for comfort, they extricate themselves in a big way. They may have genuinely believed that they were going to be and do as they’d committed themselves to. However, if they were honest, they’d acknowledge that going out with a bang was always a ticking time bomb.
People who blindside you with a breakup often say and do what they think they should; they’re going through the motions. My friend’s ex likely thought that he had to take ‘logical’ next steps without his heart being in it. She had enough pride to know that she wouldn’t have wanted to marry a reluctant groom. Still, she did see his treatment as a reflection of her. Anne feels the same but also recognises she had a lucky escape even though she’s hurting a lot now.
Many years ago, I worked with a girl from Australia. One Thursday, I listened to her boyfriend spend the entire evening professing his love. The following Tuesday, he took her ice skating and talked about marriage. Two days after, he told her he didn’t love her and he’d met someone else. He added nothing further other than to tell her to get out and go back to Oz. Three days later, she left.
People, especially dishonest, deluded, scared, and fickle people, are changeable.
Some folks aren’t the type to engage in an open and honest dialogue with you in the relationship. When they experience anxiety, their feelings change, there are problems, etc., they may not say anything and then erupt out of the relationship like they have a hot poker up their bum.
You might wonder what you could have done differently. Unfortunately, if someone’s in way over their head, you’re not going to know about it until they say or do something. Or you ask. Even then, they might not tell you.
This.Isn’t.About.You.
When someone can rip you out of your relationship and their life from one day to the next and go all Jekyll and Hyde on you, they’re not the love of your life. While it’ll hurt like crazy now as it feels like there is no closure, you can’t decipher what was real and what wasn’t, and you don’t get why you don’t even deserve an explanation, you’ll eventually come to be thankful that you were spared from spending even a minute more in the company of someone that doesn’t play decent, never mind fair.
They’ve got all switchy on you because they’re afraid of commitment and/or want out but don’t know how to handle these situations with integrity. The pressure and the fear mount and they panic. Or they’re someone that doesn’t voice concerns and problems or solves their problems by lining up a new partner, which then creates the urgency to get shot of you.
Being scared doesn’t excuse your ex’s behaviour.
However, it does, along with their subsequent actions, tell you why a relationship with them isn’t an option. There’s no easy way to broach fears or endings; with them, you would get hurt anyway.
It would be great if they could respect you and the time you shared by dignifying you with an explanation and decent treatment. They wouldn’t, though, have ended the relationship in this manner if that were ever going to be on offer. That, and they would have to explain themselves, and as they don’t want to know themselves and have that level of honesty, you’ll either be in for a long wait or a distorted version of events that will leave you with more questions than answers.
Don’t envy the next person because who knows what kind of switcheroo stuff they’ll be pulling there. They may have left a big hole in your life, but you can fill it with a happier self, a better relationship, and new hopes, dreams, and plans.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, and more, in my bookshop.
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Well, I’ve done almost the same, but in my case it was rather in order to establish “no contact” after I realized how toxic those people were…
I recently did this to my female “best friend” (as mentioned in other comments) after I realized how much she had controlled me with her frequent temper tantrums and criticized me for every little “social slight”. I, on the other hand, had to keep quiet about the fact that she sometimes had three boyfriends at a time. I wasn’t allowed to “moralize” at all. She, in turn, moralized badly with me about the fact that I had kissed (only kissed) another guy one week before I ended a bad relationship (no, I’m not proud of doing that).
I ended the friendship with her without much explanation, because I just figured I couldn’t stand any other argument with her (especially since she suddenly seemed to resemble my own narcissistic mother so much). I hope this isn’t “disappearing”…
I had similar problems with aforementioned ex-BF (with whom she had paired me off, by the way). I ended the relationship after six months, but didn’t give him all the reasons. I just told him it didn’t work out. One reason was that he had agreed to move abroad with me, and then had backed off. I mentioned that to him, but not the other, even worse problem: He lived with his totally controlling parents, and our relationship was always under the condition that I never criticized this. His parents were “great”, there was total “harmony” in his family (actually, he never objected to anything they asked from him), and other people were very wrong for criticizing him for all this… After a while, I was unable to agree with him anymore. I also felt I was about to repeat my childhood pattern (he and his parents started to try to control me very much, too). I broke the relationship with him off without explaining this. I was just too scared.
The aforementioned female friend told me I had treated him badly by “disappearing” (= cutting all contact) after breaking up with him and not giving him any further explanation.
I’m still a little insecure, but I think “flushing” both of them was the right thing to do.
Elly
You didn’t do the same. The first was a toxic person you had to get rid of. The second – well, he deserves to be dumped for backing out of quite a serious agreement. The fact that you didn’t divulge all the gory details is okay, especially as it was only a six month relationship. I think a psychological breakdown of your issues would have just left him thinking “Eh?”
Grace – thanks! I guess my friend’s comments about my breakup where merely another way of manipulating me and probably projecting her own bad qualities onto me.
Regarding this ex-BF, I certainly made mistakes. The biggest one was not setting boundaries right from the start. If I had done that, the “relationship” would have ended…well, probably after a few days.Instead of questioning his rigidity about his parents, I decided to play by his rules entirely. I think he (unconsciously) wanted me to fight his doubts about his relationship with his parents, and I gave him what he wanted. I guess I was trying to meet some unhealthy “needs” of my own (because I was still in denial about my own parents). Bad mistake! I suspect his parents were actually quite toxic. Whenever he interacted with them or talked about their “greatness”, he seemed almost hypnotized.
Once I realized this, it was more or less too late for any explanations. I guess he needs help from a good therapist (same with me – therefore I’m going to start therapy now), but I’m not the right person to open his eyes (although my female friend was basically implying this). I’m responsible for solving my problems. He has to take care of his, but he has to be ready for it.
From the book “Emotional Vampires”: “Attempting psychotherapy on someone you know will make you both sicker”. Love that quote…
EllyB,
I agree with grace, you didn’t do the same thing. I did the exact same thing as you several months ago. My so-called friend was an assclown, and I couldn’t take him, his boundary busting ways, nor his ill-treatment of me anymore. If I had gone into a long, drawn out recitation of my NC plans and the reasons for it with him, he wouldn’t have understood one syllable as he never does wrong in his own grandiose mind! Not to mention I considered him dangerous after witnessing his narcissistic rages.
Sometimes getting the hell outta there with what’s left of our sanity is the only option. Press on. 🙂
You broke up with him. The reasons you gave him don’t have to be the whole truth – if you aren’t happy in the relationship, that is the only reason you need. The type of guy (or girl) in the article, on the other hand, leaves either with no explanation beyond “it’s over,” or in extreme cases, without even telling us the relationship is over and simply vanishing. In general, as long as you tell him it is over, you don’t really owe him an explanation beyond the fact that it’s not working for you. Any additional details given are optional.
Of course, in the case of a more serious relationship that involved a lot of plans, simply saying it’s over isn’t really good enough. Especially in the case of a cancelled wedding, then human decency demands that you explain what you were doing agreeing to marry someone you didn’t really intend to in the first place. That’s what makes these guys/girls so bad, and the way they leave us so painful. They lead you on, mess with your head and convice you that you have a future together (either actively, by making long term plans with you they have no intention of following through, or passively, by letting you believe in a future they know is never going to happen), then right when you think everything is great they abruptly vanish.
You didn’t do that. You knew it wasn’t going to work for you and excused yourself from the relationship before it got too serious. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Oh Elly, that sounds like my last ex. He didn’t live with the parents, but he may as well have. And yes, the same ol’ deluded stuff about perfect harmony in the family, etc. His parents and (unmarried) sister were control freaks, and he (aged 40+) was happy to remain a little boy for the rest of his life.
He was also chronically and seriously depressed, but couldn’t think why. Couldn’t POSSIBLY have been the way he was living his life, after all, because his family was perfect in every way.
He was a Future Faker with me, but again used to panic – high anxiety – at the least hint of real commitment.
I was engaged about 20 years ago to a man who also had a LOT of issues (can anyone see a pattern here?), and I ended up having to break off that engagement 3 months before the wedding because he’d been torturing me for about a year, out of sheer panic. It was hugely and publicly humiliating, but at least I got to do the leaving, and I never regretted it.
Because I know if I HAD forced him to the altar, he’d have either not turned up on the day, or he’d have left as soon as things got hard marriage-wise, eg. a baby came along. And then I’d have been a divorced single mother, instead of a free single woman as I am today. I know I’ve been lucky, but it still hurts sometimes.
PJM: Oh yeah, this seems to be a pattern too – all those nice grown-up “mama’s boys”. I now suspect most of them to be abuse victims in denial, in one way or another. In some other cases, they might be narcissists who take advantage of their own parents. As long as they don’t see the light, they are probably just as toxic for us as any other kind of EUM/AC.
This guy even told me many girls had rejected him because of his crazy relationship with his parents. He had paid for the house his family was living in, investing all his money (and committing to invest his future income too), even if his parents were wealthy enough themselves! Stupid as I was, I made myself believe he was “the exception from the rule”, and that I won a “great prize” by looking “behind the facade”. It’s the old story: I couldn’t believe I was valuable enough for a guy who was truly decent and sane, without any “small flaws” like this. Truth told, this wasn’t a small flaw, but a BIG RED FLAG.
And yeah, PJM, leaving this other guy 20 years ago sounds like the right thing to do for you! During the last 15 years, I frequently had to bail out of unhealthy relationships too. The only sad thing is that apparently, it takes that long to understand the pattern and (hopefully) change it!
Hi EllyB, I think you’re talking about entirely different situations. No Contact isn’t the same thing especially as one was an abusive friendship and the other you ended it.
EllyB: I did the same thing to a female friend earlier this year. She’s shallow, superficial, vain, and narcissistic. She’d done so many shady things to me over the years and I took it, but the last straw was when I went home for the holidays and she didn’t even call me or try to see me. And yes, she knew I was home. She expected me, as usual, to initiate everything. I said “No more” and without warning I blocked her on all social media, telephone & e-mail accounts. (There’s 1 social media site that doesn’t let me block anyone unfortunately, but I’m hardly ever on it so I’ll deal with it.) (Also, a couple of her family members are connected to me on 1 site, but they haven’t asked me anything about it and hopefully they won’t.)
In this case, you (and I) did the right thing. Good for you for being courageous for dropping that assclown. Assclowns come in romantic and non-romantic forms.
Let me share my experience as someone who has broken up with men out of the blue with no decent explanation. I didn’t completely morph from “I love you” to “Get lost” but I certainly never voiced any concerns about the relationship or gave the person an opportunity to work with me to make it better. I didn’t know how to do that. (I’m not talking about ACs here; these are good guys where it may have worked if I’d been emotionally available).
I had no idea what a relationship was, what it was for, or what I wanted out of it. I was just … unhappy. I was an unhappy person with a lot of self doubt so the relationship was never going to work. I didn’t know I was unhappy and had self-doubt. After all, I had a good sense of humour, I had fun, I was intelligent. Understand that I cannot give a good explanation. Nat’s right – when someone does this they can’t explain it to you because they are clueless about themselves and a huge part of them can’t deal with the truth. It was another 20 years before I was ready to do that.
It’s not about you.
I know one of the men (who’s in touch with my family but not me) has been happily married with children for years now so, yes, there is life after the horrible chop.
Grace,
There is no judgement here, but did you not feel any guilt or know that you were hurting the other person?
Yep but I felt guilty about everything so a bit extra made no real difference.
allison
to clarify, i didn’t do the disappearing act that nat posts about but I couldn’t come up with an explanation that made any sense. It was just a lot of confusion and crying. Which is why I always caution against looking for closure, the person who you want it from is most likely unable to give it.
But I wonder if there’s any such thing as the perfect break up where the dumpee thinks “Oh, that was great. I completely understand what happened there”
Interesting. So, there was no real understanding, just knowledge that you had to get out.
I don’t think a dumpee will ever feel great about a breakup.- Not so great for the self-esteem.
Thanks Grace for sharing. Another piece of valuable insight. Some don’t know what the hell is going on, but they just know they’ve got to go.
I must admit Nat i think that was my x’s issue. I’m not sure he intentionally hurt me and was cruel. But i do know he is pretty stuffed up, emotionally unstable and from what you have described in past posts EUM. He still wasn’t his authentic self to me though and i think thats the same as lying. If he had been his true nature i would not have dated him.
He did show me in the way of red flags though and thats my responsability. It started of as” this guy is great but he just seems to be lacking in confidence” to, “this guy is great but he seems a little lost with his emotions but seems to really want to try”, to “this guy is really unstable but wants to get help for it”, to “this guy is A MESS and has no access what so ever to his own emotions, lacks empathy, controlling, cynical, dishonest, unstable, hot and cold the works” In others word he had no clue what the hell was going on. I think he could do nothing but leave in the end and of course it was going to be done in a bad way. He already showed over and over that he couldnt handle his emotions well. I thinks thats why he hasnt completely let go and still tries to gain access or a connection with me. I’m not sure he 100% wanted to leave but i dont think he could make it work as he was not healthy enough to be in a relationship. Like you have said Nat these guys cant make a descion and that includes leaving or leaving you altogether and breaking the whole tie. However my door is firmly closed, i dont have room in my life for people like that anymore 🙂
You got me thinking…
When we talk about intention, it’s a responsibility dodger and a way of not putting the full weight of truth on someone’s actions.
It’s not about whether he intended to hurt you – he intentionally ended it. He’s intentionally taken actions to safeguard himself and to ultimately do what serves his best interests. A byproduct of those things he intended is your hurt. He doesn’t live in a vacuum. His actions have consequences. He doesn’t give a thought to the impact because he’s unavailable and self absorbed.
He could never truly know what he intended because he’s not honest. You guessing what he set out to do only deludes the guy further.
When we think it’s not intentional we say they didn’t mean it. He did. He can’t control what depth you feel that pain and any other spin off consequences but he did. He certainly didn’t intend for a mutually fulfilling healthy relationship so pain was always in the offing.
good call Nat !!! 🙂
Grace, I’m so glad you shared this. I’m getting back out into the dating world now that I’m at 4 months NC and this is the stuff that I’m nervous about doing. I’ve sorted out my self esteem issues, but I have some major trust issues going on (shocker, I know) and I’m afraid that I’m going to have a similar problem, i.e. I won’t know why I don’t want to be in the relationship, have an emotional meltdown and hurt someone in the process. This might be a little off topic, but I think the only answer for me is to go slow, assess the person and acknowledge if there is something glaringly wrong (novel idea!). I’m really happy with my life, but I haven’t dated anyone who isn’t a jackass since high school and, of course, I’m paranoid that I’m going to screw it all up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me some excellent food for thought.
Thank you so much for this wonderful reminder.
From a No Contact survivor – 1 month & 1 week now and still counting.
Great job Cindy, it does get easier 🙂 Promise.
Yes, it does get better!!! I can attest to it. I’m an one-month NC survivor (planning many more and forever) 🙂
Wow, NML – it’s like you read my mind and saw my life.
I had been dating a guy for a little more then 4 months, things were great. We were in love. He was making plans for the future. He had to leave to go home to get things straight in his life (2,500 miles away). I went and visited while he was gone. Visit was fantastic. I came home, the next week – he wanted a “break”. I talked him out of it. Then he wanted a break again, I said ok – just go be single… haven’t heard from him since.
It is heartbreaking how you can love someone and have such a great connection with them and then BAM – gone. I understand he probably did me a favor, but readjusting my sail has been NO easy feat. I just got out of a 7 year long relationship with an AC/EUM 2 years ago. I thought this guy was great, no red flags… boy, I was mistaken.
And you are right, you do go back and try and place blame. I have noticed myself wondering, “What did I do wrong”. How could I have fixed this? Then I realize, I’m not the one that needed fixing.
No matter how long you date someone, heartache sucks. Especially when that someone becomes a coward and you are left picking up the pieces on your own.
Yep. Heartache sucks. BUT you have loved. You are loving. You will love again. None of the journey is wasted time. Just feels like it sometimes. Just think…some love once and never allow themselves to do it again. They go cold inside. I’d rather feel all there is to feel and know the joys and sorrows than none of it. You may always feel some sorrow and that’s okay. Just don’t give up on love or yourself . Don’t let the experience teach you the wrong things. It takes courage to love braveheart. You will be okay.
Bee –
The thing is that good guys can change their minds too. Sometimes you just feel like something is not working out and you want out, or want something different. It’s the way you do it that distinguishes the ACs from the good ones.
Did he at least give a decent explanation and talk it through with you?
No, there wasn’t an explanation. A simple “I can’t do this”. And a vanish. But, I have spoken with his sister and his friends and I have learned that this is just the kind of guy he is. Everyone is pretty dissapointed in him. It should be a sign when even your family and friends tell you to stop running from your problems, but at least I learned it really is HIM….and completely not ME.
Hi Crtnybee15 This is one of those awkward situations where of course on reflection you’ll be relieved in the long run that they left, but it hurts. That said, for any future relationships, acknowledge the major code red of seemingly being fine one minute and asking for a break the next. Breaking up is not a democratic decision nor is it about negotiation. By talking him out of the break, you missed a valuable opportunity to address what the reasons were *for* the break plus the signal that something was very wrong and you were not on the same page. He then took this as a sign that breaking up with you wouldn’t be without conflict or discussion (he was silly enough to expect an easy, no questions exit), so he bailed. You can’t ‘fix’ that type of behaviour in someone – he is who is, with or without you.
You are right NML. As always 🙂
I knew why he wanted to take a break, it was due to the situation we were in – the distance and not being able to talk as much as we did when we were together. But instead of working through this temporary situation, he bailed. And that red flag scares me worse then anything. I thought he was just having a moment, but no – I have learned through his family and friends that he has a tendency to run from problems. He doesn’t deal with them. He avoids them. And no, that is NOT the kind of guy I want to be with. I just wish I would have noticed this earlier or learned it from the start. But, you live and you learn.
I agree again, my X seemed utterly surprised, puzzled that i was hurt, angry and then hit NC to survive the whole ordeal. He literally thought ill just tell her its over and we will be the best of friends and ill still act in my standard emotionally unstable way and she will still put up with it. I tried that for 2 months while i was still deeply hurt and confused. It was degrading. I was expected to morph from in love, deeply wounded to being friends with new boundary’s . This of course wasn’t for the welfare of me it was for the welfare of him. After all if i’m still there in some form and playing by his rules, he cant be the bad person, he doesn’t have to take any responsibility or actually look inside and see himself. It was like “oh now we are doing this, get on board..chop…chop”
In his tiny mind he thinks “hey it was just a breakup, i didn’t mean to hurt you, your the one who wont talk to me and created all this animosity, your the child” that used to bug me since he played the victim at work so well but now i just don’t care what he thinks or anyone else, i only care how i feel. Being his friend meant sharing his deluded take on the relationship and believing his reality. I just wasn’t prepared to lie to myself like that. Also i don’t see him as the im just a confused emotional guy with no confidence but i’m really nice, not anymore, which is what he still plays at work. I see him as very manipulative, controlling, cynical, arrogant and a lot more. I see it as a choice, he made a choice to be who he is and act the way he does.
Brava Natalie! Incredibly true. I have spoken a lot on here about my 5 year yo-yo debacle with my ex-AC, who made some nasty comments about my religion before pulling a disappearing act. I don’t know (or give a flying hoot) if he actually had an issue with my religion, but my gut told me that he was panicking about delivering on what he’d promised and was saying the most offensive thing he could think of the ensure that I wouldn’t want anything to do with him. I ended up contacting him in an attempt to get something of mine back that I left at his house and to let him know that he was entirely successful and I wanted nothing to do with him. When I confronted him about the lying, future faking and general jackass-ness, he pulled the old “I really am a changed man, I want you in my life as a friend, I’m just not ready, and you are great” and whatnot, refusing to acknowledge what had actually happened. All I can say is, I’m glad it happened sooner rather than later, as I definitely do not want to be involved with someone that goes into a blind panic at the idea of having an honest, decent relationship with me!
Yeah be blatantly used the religion as a parachute for a fast exit that he could throw the baton of blame to you on the way out. The cunning thing is that when people blame stuff like religion or colour, they *know* that it’s not something you can ‘fix’ – it’s who you are. Don’t say another word to this dipstick – he doesn’t deserve the steam off your wee.
Agreed on all counts Natalie! He can take his pathetic Baton of Blame and stick it…well, you get the idea.
I should add that this all happened after he begged me for weeks to take him back, claiming everything would be different. I think that’s why I struggled to get past being angry for some time. The whole thing sucked but it’s an excellent example of how a boomerang relationship can end particularly badly. Ladies, if you’ve been in one and he come back with a boatload of promises, claims he’s crazy about you and his life isn’t right without you…be very, very skeptical.
I literally HAVE to comment on this article Natalie, because my Mr. Unavailable did the exact same thing to me after we spent a romantic weekend together. We got SO close– and not just physically or sexually either. We got very emotionally close, which I think made him panic all the more. I could not believe how he changed towards me after that weekend. And you’re right, as women we seem to have this built in device of self blame! We always think, “what could I have done to prevent this?” “Was it something I did/said?” etc. Meanwhile, these emotionally unavailable men would have done this regardless. It’s so hard, because they don’t care what devastation lies in their wake. It is especially hard for me to move on from my Mr. Unavailable, because I knew him since I was only 14 years old! 10 years later and I still love this man. Unfortunately he is about as afraid of commitment as anyone I have ever seen. It really is such a mess.
marina
Better to love someone who can love you back. I understand the attraction of the tortured soul, but it’s no fun to live with. And should be become untortured, you might not find him so interesting. I can feel in your post the genuine affection you have for this man but he also sounds like someone who has been jerking you around for ten years. Maybe it’s time to give up and move on.
I should have been clearer in my post. We met when I was 14, he was 17 and knew each other for only a year or so in High School. Then he graduated and I didn’t see him until we re-connected on Facebook 8 years later. So technically he has not been jerking me around for 10 years, only 2 (not that that’s so good either!). We’ve only been romantically involved on and off for 2 years, but back in High School we were just friends as I was WAY too young to take it further. Thank you though for the kind words and concern Grace.
Wow Grace, your words really hit home for me. I don’t know why I ever found the tortured soul so appealing. And you’re right, if he were to ever get his act together I believe he would be downright boring.
@ Marina
I know it is really devasting. My HS crush looked me up after 28 years (I was 15 then). And it has been hot/cold, future faking, blah blah for 2 1/2 yrs. (If you care to, you can look up previous posts about this from me to hear some of my story) It ended last September, very badly I might add. Low and behold guess who left a message 3 1/2 weeks ago attempting to hit the reset button after 6 1/2 months (oh, and 2 emails as well). Acting as if nothing has happened, he is now moving on to another girl from HS ( number 4 or 5 from HS from the looks of his FB, of course I had just thought they were “friends”, when we were together and “friends” on fb.
It is quite shocking when one day they are so in love with you and then either disappear or pull out the friend card. It just blew me away. In 2008 xmas, he kept inferring marriage, xmas card that said Merry First Xmas (like there was going to be more) and thanks for coming into his life “my love”. Three weeks later he wants to be friends – WTF?
I still can reel from the mind f**kery when I think about it all, but thank goodness for NC, distance, and clarity.
Romantic weekends, holidays, family occasions, post introductions – they are often the calm before the shit storm of Mr Unavailables bailing because they panic about what you’ll expect, the intimacy, and redress the balance by treating you like shit and/or bailing. Grieve the loss and accept that the man you love is not a man worth loving. Especially because it’s since you were 14, you’ve put him on a pedestal. Take him down off it.
Oh yes I can relate to this after any time away when we returned I was always dismissed the first time when we arrived back at it his front door he actually said “You won’t be coming in I have work to go on with and that is enough time together.”
I did say something about this and he did change but it always felt like a dismissal just without been so blunt.
Pity I didn’t give him all the space he desired at the time but better late than never.
bee
“in love” after four months and making plans for the future is … a red flag. Yes, you can be attracted, excited … but it’s too early to call it love.
yes, it is disappointing but you’re right – he did you a favour. better four months than four years.
I don’t think the 4 month mark is a red flag. Not when you are spending a lot of time together, and it’s a healthy love. I understand rushing into things, but our plans for the future consisted of trips and such, not marriage or engagement. We enjoyed dating each other, which makes the blow that much harder.
I agree that four months isn’t a red flag when you see each other often. It’s nearly half a year!
I don’t think these things can be measured or given a timeframe. Everyone is different, everyone feels things at different times. There are so many factors, like how long you’ve known the person before getting together etc.
It happened to me. I met a guy on a dating site and he was just exactly what I was looking for. I couldn’t believe my luck. We grew close and we had deep intense conversations about our feelings and what we wanted and it was wonderful. I had a sign when after a couple of months, he was supposed to come visit and didn’t show up. He called me and explained that he was caught up in something at home and I knew he was so I said ok. And then I didn’t hear from him for a week. He called me again and explained that the lines to his house had been cut – he was renovating it – and couldn’t reach me. I asked him not to do it again because I had been worried to death. He said he wouldn’t. We went on, getting closer and then suddenly, he was gone again. Two weeks this time. He called with another explanation and was on his way to see me. We spent a wonderful time toether and he told me that he had to leave the country for a few weeks and would come back and spend time with me when he came back.
I never heard from him again. That was around Christmas. I couldn’t understand what had happened. I sent him a few texts and he never responded. It hurt because I had let my guard down, trusted him and had even begun to love him. I wondered what I did. What could I have done to make it different?
I’m moving on but I still have pains and I wonder when it will stop.
When someone touches your heart, I think there will always be pain. But it moves to the back of your mind when you are ready to move on from it. You will one day, I have learned that you have to let yourself heal from heartache. Otherwise, you will never grow from it.
Brenda – been here too!
Online dating is a notorious trap. My rule of thumb became: if we are not making serious plans to meet, face to face, within a couple of months of polite conversation, then WE ARE NOT SERIOUS and never will be. It’s a HUGE red flag, and then you can set your boundaries accordingly.
The electronic communication thing can be 99% your imagination working on overdrive to create ‘the perfect man’ out of the data you’re given (a lot of which can be pure bulldust, because you’ve got no way of knowing if he’s spinning you a line or has sent fake photos). You MUST see the person in real life before you start exchanging deep and meaningful confidences, ‘love’ talk, etc.
I have had some hilarious and horrible experiences here: having pretty much fallen in love with a guy I’d never met, only to meet him and we couldn’t stand each other in real life!
The best instant cure I know for this on-line fantasising is to think of the most unattractive man you know, and then say ‘He might be like him in real life’. It’s like a bucket of cold water, and can stop you saying or doing anything really dumb.
All you could have done to make it different Brenda is to heed the code red behaviour which would have meant that the time and emotion you invested would have been far less. You were involved with a flake and what he did was cruel. Unfortunately he’d been preparing you for it for a while. A decent person would have broken their neck to borrow a phone or crawl to a phonebox to call you – he let you worry and then added insult to injury by disappearing for a week. A disrespectful mofo. Go to your mental flush handle and flush repeatedly so that you recognise that this man isn’t worthy of you and never sell yourself short on someone like him again. The pain will stop, keep working through the hurt and accept that he isn’t the man you thought he was and that you misjudged him. That’s ok – you’re human, you make mistakes, you love. You’ll love again with a real man.
This was what I was looking for, thanks for the post N. I met this guy who was sweet, single and genuine, so I thought. He lives in another state, we use to speak over the phone a lot, we would spend many hours on the phone talking and enjoying one another. He would always tell me that he is blessed to have me in his life and that he could not ask for more. After couple of months of talking he decided to visit me. We went out on a date and had fun and we even got even closer. It was hard to say bye to him after his visit. After he returned to his hometown, he disappeared or he would call once in a while for 3 minutes and tells me he is busy. In short, he was avoiding me and acting all weird. I asked what changed and i tried to find the answer why he was avoiding me and acting all weird. he did not want to say, but after confronting him several times. He finally spoke, he said he was not ready to be in a relationship, and that I deserve someone better. Still his answer did not convince me. I was not looking for a relationship either nor did I demand it. I was confused, still trying to figure it out, what just happened, was it me? did I do anything to repeal him? or turn him off? I was beating myself against the wall trying to figure out what I did wrong? In the meantime, he kept in touch and checked on me. After 2 weeks from visiting me he sent me an email telling me that he has a Girlfriend and that he does not want to talk to me ever. This even confused me more a guy who just told me he is single, not ready to be in a relationship has a Girlfriend 2 weeks after he saw me, plus he said he does not want to talk to me ever by cutting me off from his life. N, I do not know can u help me figure out what went wrong???? I guess like u posted above he did not want to confront me, to be sucked in and found a new lady to distract him.
Hi Confused,
To sum it up, this wasn’t the guy for you. And while the red flags and the games hurt, it should make you realize even more that he isn’t the guy for you. It’s easier to say then to believe, but you DO deserve better then that. This vanishing act that guys pull, well, as women – would we really want that in our lives? What happens when the situation within the relationship gets hard? Do they bail then too? No, you and I both deserve better then that.
Keep that chin up, this guy sounds like a special case and you don’t deserve that.
Confused
I think your imagination ran away with you. Speaking to someone on the phone for hours for a couple of months is, on the one hand, very intense but, on the other hand, you still don’t know him. You said you didn’t want a relationship. The two of you weren’t in a relationship so he’s free to get a girlfriend if he wants.
Now, I’m sure he talked a good talk and misled you. But it’s your job to be careful and look out for yourself. Don’t go throwing a lot of expectation, trust and affection at someone you barely know.
It’s good that he cut you off. The last thing you need is to be his telephone pretend girlfriend while he swans around with his “real” girlfriend, God help her.
Hi Confused,
A few years ago, I was in a similar situation to yours. The guy and I talked all the time, he seemed really into me, he sent me a Christmas gift (long distance situation), etc., etc. The difference between you and me, however, is that I wanted a relationship. I made my feelings known and he chose not to respond. While that should have been everything I needed to know, I was one of those women who was not only searching for love in all the wrong places, but who also seemed pretty good at heaping pain and self-blame upon myself.
The point is that these things hurt; what’s even more difficult to cope with is that there’s no good way to explain them. You can sit and wonder what went wrong, what you _think_ you did wrong (nothing; you just didn’t, as Grace pointed out, safeguard yourself against the users of the world), what made him change…? The list could go on. These men seem interesting based on the fact that they create so much drama and emotional turmoil; once that and all the hurt and emotional investment pass, you see that they’re just average guys–confused, but average all the same.
All that matters is what Natalie says in this post: “Some like the idea of doing stuff more than the reality, and when the future they’ve often billy-bullshitted you and Future Faked about starts getting too close for comfort, they extricate themselves in a big way. ” The only way you can protect yourself and overcome the situation is to respond in kind–to extricate yourself emotionally.
Like Natalie says, it really isn’t about you. That’s what happens when you deal with selfish people who take what they can get. But the good news is that there are good guys out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and value you for who you are…not for what you can give him.
Hi Confused. I see you were involved with another long distance flake. The red flags here was that again, too much chit chat, not enough human interaction. You’re also as your name suggests Confused and so you have to ask yourself why you were doing all this with him if you didn’t want a relationship? Or is that why you had the long distance – because you didn’t want a relationship? The other red flags is contact dissipated, he was obviously avoiding you. You then disregarded vital information and decided you know better and actually played it down because in your mind, you thought ‘I don’t want a relationship’ hence problem solved. He’s flakey. He also met someone else closer to home and wasn’t honest about that. You didn’t ‘repel’ him – he met someone else and to be honest, most people if they have a chance of having a real, closer to home relationship versus a virtual, long distance thing, will probably opt for the former. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but these types of relationship aren’t for everyone. He *was* dishonest and again, that’s him not you. He doesn’t want to talk to you because you’re not friends and you obviously did want more from him, and you’re not letting this go and respecting his rather shitty way of opting out. Leave him be – you will never get a proper explanation from him. He’s changed his mind and met someone else that may or may not work out. That’s not you, it’s him.
Thank you all for your input. The reason I said I do not want a relationship was it was because it was a long distance. I had so many heartaches over long distance relationship. when I finally gave up, I met this guy who was so genuine and sweet. The prince charming one. When I ever talk to him and based on what he says about himself I knew this was too good to be true. But since he was so sweet, I did want a relationship, but not then, because i wanted to know him more. I did not know demanded it either, because I wanted it t come naturally, I did not want to force it. He definitely mislead me he always tell me how he likes me, how he wants to be with me, be in the same state (have the same zip-code), he use to get jealous when I go on dates, he says he wants me to himself. And so I believed him, thinking that something will develop in the future, maybe a relationship.But I definitely did not want that. He also assured me he was not seeing anyone. I guess I should not be upset because we are not in a relationship. But i am confused as to why he flaked, future flaked, vanished, got a lady and decided to cut me off after 2 weeks of seeing me in person. That part is still no clear. What just happened? he said he does not want a relationship at this time with anyone cause he was not ready, and then he goes on and have one just after 2 weeks. It does hurt, questions u what went wrong. I know it is not me it is him. but i guess i need a closure and why do they act this way.
Thank you all for your inputs. The reason I said I do not want a relationship is because it was a long distance. I had so many heartaches over long distance relationship. when I finally gave up on long-distance relationship, then come along this prince charming, cute, sweet, down to earth,genuine, caring and loving. I told myself several times that it was too good to be true. I even told him that. He said that he is who he is and that he’ll let me decide when he comes to visit. I hold myself from falling for him, like i said i thought he cant be real. After talking to him several times I started liking him, and thought we might have a future. But I definitely wanted to meet him in person, and get to know him. I did not want a relatinship then, because (1) I wanted to get to know him (2) I wanted to come naturally (3) I did not want to force it and have expectations (4) I just wanted to know him as a friend for then.
He definitely mislead me he always tell me how he likes me, how he wants to be with me, be in the same state (have the same zip-code), he use to get jealous when I go on dates, he says he wants me to himself. And so I believed him, thinking that something will develop in the future, maybe a relationship.But I definitely did not want it then. Because of my experience I did not want to jump into anything.
He also assured me he was not seeing anyone. I guess I should not be upset because we are not in a relationship. But i am confused as to why he flaked, future faked, vanished, got a lady and decided to cut me off after 2 weeks of seeing me in person. That part is still no clear. What just happened? he said he does not want a relationship at this time with anyone cause he was not ready, and then he goes on and have one just after 2 weeks. It does hurt, questions u what went wrong. I know it is not me it is him. but i guess i need a closure and why do they act this way.
Confused
Did you have sex? Sometimes they wait until they’ve had sex before disappearing. No point wasting all that time and effort (he thinks).
no we have not because he came for few days
We were friends with for years. I fell for him and we hooked up, soon after he ran. He did email me and this is part of what he said… “I wish I had all the answers for you. All I can say for certain is there is nothing you did or didn’t do that cause me to react the way I did… I suppose its alot like us thinking we have some kind of influence over other peoples using. That’s the closest analogy I can find.” I know this guy; he did not want to intentionally hurt me. But he did! The best thing he did for me was to run. I am better off without him. I am the one that had to get over it! It was painful, but it taught me a lot about myself and love. I am choosing to work on myself so I NEVER go through that again… Ever! Let him deal with his stuff.
How sad JoJo and admire how you’re dealing with it. You know a lot of people don’t intentionally want to do stuff but they do so anyway and that doesn’t absolve them from responsibility. We can often believe we’re exempt from certain types of behaviour from friends when we get together because we care about one another – we’re not. He has indeed spared you. Painfully.
This same thing happened to me, except the relationship was only 5 weeks long. The “wonderful” part lasted 4 weeks, week 5 was a slow fade. Then I spent 9 months crying, blaming myself, and being depressed. I will hand to my EUM, he came over to talk to me about it, but i was so shocked, scared, and dumbstruck, I couldn’t speak or process what my questions even were. After two days I was ready to talk and he had cut me out of his life. So I had a window, a small window to ask questions. I know i was lucky, but that didn’t stop it hurting like my skin being peeled off a layer at a time those 9 months. The lesson I learned is that I shouldn’t fight so much to get a relationship. Relax your grip and the right guy will overcome his personal obstacles. Also, create space in your life so that he can come towards you. THen you will see how much he does want to come toward you. He should be consistent for 3 months at least before considering him your bf. No high pressure acts!
Lindsey, I really like what you wrote – “Relax your grip and the right guy will overcome his personal obstacles” and “create space in your life so that he can come towards you. Then you will see how much he does want to come toward you”. Everyone has the capacity to have a freakout at any one time, especially considering people’s past experiences of and with others and how that has impacted to create a person’s story.. Now, this isn’t making excuses for ACish behaviour, but it’s where NC works a treat. By taking the road of NC early on before dignity is affected and self doubt truly sets in, means that you can do your own work without having to have them step inside your head… Let’s face it, it’s a scary place to be after the chop! Even I don’t like it in there, why would he? I’ll tell you why I am saying this and why your comments spoke to me…
I just had a fantastically exciting long distance flirtfest with someone I have known for years, but we don’t really ‘know’ each other. We used to live in the same town, but now don’t so it all began with catching up on each other’s lives, to definite flirting, to arranging a weekend together to see what happens. There was no pressure for a future (I don’t believe) we were just seeing what happened next.. The weekend was lovely, albeit awkward considering we hadn’t seen each other for 7 years.. that and there’s an age gap, me being the older. We went to different places to eat over the weekend, but the majority of the time we watched DVDs (his idea after working 3 weeks straight and about to go into 2 more straight months of work) and slothed about, holding hands and just supposedly enjoying each other’s company.
On the Sunday, I was getting some amber flags. He seemed shy, more awkward, unsure what to say/do. And me, well I’m an overthinker and am trying my best to not do it!!! So I tried to NOT read anything into it, just registered it in my head to be aware and on alert, let the silence be OK and be comfortable with his sitting close to me and kissing me occasionally, holding my hand. I’m not a mind reader, so let it be!
I heard from him everyday the next week via a morning text, sometimes a few a day and 2 phonecalls – – one on the Monday night and the other on the Thursday night. The Thursday night one got cut short and he said he’d call me tomorrow night (being the Friday). I got a morning text on the Friday, which I replied to… then no call that night (I had already told him I was going out that night, so figured he’d remembered that and decided not to call after all). When I got home that night, I checked both phones, no message or attempt to all.. ok.. so I sent a sweet dreams text. Nothing… and now I’m Day 6 NC. (Sorry for all the detail!!)
What I want to say is, from that Sunday I was feeling the amber flags, my detecting brain was scouring each text that came in, listening to what we were talking about on the phone.. I was getting ready for what I was anticipating.. the chop! The texts, although nice, seemed empty. The calls were fine, but I was peeved with the cut short one. What I AM proud of, is the way I DID protect myself by going NC straight away. I didn’t send the next text, nor made a call. I have done all the ruminating in my head, but even that, I didn’t allow myself to do it for too long. I came straight here and read, read, read! I still have no idea WHAT happened to change the course… of that I can only guess.. as I am not, as I said before, a mind reader! It is healthier for me to believe that it is him that got scared/freakedout/realised his limitations that made him not contact me this week. I (choose to) believe what I perceived as shyness at the time was in fact anxiety. Whatever his personal story and experiences have been up to this point, have led him down this path. (Hey, none of it may be true, but geez it’s helping me, making it all about him and NOT about me!) And my early NC saved me from listening to excuses/causing confrontation and more anxiety as well as allowing me to ‘do my work’ in private. My mind can be a messy place.
Back to your comments though… I believe also that IF this situation between us ruffled his feathers a little, then it is he that needs to overcome his own personal obstacles in his time… and I relaxed my grip immediately and will see if he takes those steps toward me. If he doesn’t, then my NC simply continues and I am…
I am safeguarded and protected already.
So thanks for your words Lindsey, they have truly lifted me up today by affirming I have done the right thing.. and thanks NML, I love this site and think you are so insightful. You have truly helped me over the years to enable me to have taken this path this time, rather than the path I usually choose!
I love this quote but struggle with putting it into practise “Don’t let him live rent free in your head”. So Lindsey, take back your 9 months of loss of rent, and try a new roomate – you!
Hi Lindsey, I’m sorry to hear of what has happened. You are right that yes you lost your ‘window’ although you weren’t to know that. I guess by then he wanted to be done with it and didn’t want to revisit it. It was a very short relationship although that doesn’t take away from what you feel but it sounds like you guys were going way too fast. A slow fade in week 5 is someone showing major code red signals for 20% of the relationship. While conversely you may think ‘Well 80% has been good’, someone shouldn’t be flaking 5 weeks in. But you have some very wise thoughts to apply to future relationships and next time, take your time so you can go through the discovery phase of dating.
To be honest, this scares the absolute crap out of me. I understand that nothing is guaranteed and things change in life (not excusing disappearing act behavior) but this is quite jarring.
It’s one thing to look back at a relationship where red flags were present and then you can apply that to later relationships. It’s a blessing if anything. But to really feel secure and happy in a relationship and have it come 100% out of the blue. Yikes. It makes me think it must be very rare. If a woman has a keen insight on their relationship and doesn’t notice any signs of nasty behavior what are the chances that it truly is out of the blue like that? I have a few friends that considered their relationships problem coming from “out of nowhere” when in fact it was quite easy to see what was coming around the corner. I hope that all doesn’t come off as condescending.
It’s just the thought of being truly blindsided is very scary and almost makes me nervous/paranoid about my *seemingly* healthy relationship.
Sam,
Yes, I do believe this can happen clear out of the blue… for the opposing party. The guy I was dating gave me all signs that he was happy with the relationship. However, it wasn’t until he pulled his dissapearing act that I learned he has always had a problem with commitment. I never knew. This article fits him 100%. He showed a side to me that I learned wasn’t the real him… it just took this for it to happen. Had it not happened, I would have found out eventually – but the shock factor still would have been in tact, if not higher.
It may be possible to rationalize this behaviour as assclownish and unavailable after the fact, but it’s hard to see this kind of break up coming. Usually, in hindsight, you can see that the relationship wasn’t going to work, and the actual end of the relationship ends up not being so surprising in retrospect. But to have someone you cared for and believed in as a person suddenly vanish with no explanation is something else entirely. Depending on the situation you may spend weeks not even knowing if he’s alive or dead (I did), and then when you finally learn the truth, you have to deal with the fact that this person you thought cared for you didn’t even respect you enough to bother breaking up with you.
@sam i completely agree! it makes me rather nervous as well…..
It may be scary, but it happens. The best you can do is go forward forewarned. It doesn’t mean it will happen. If it does you will be able to manage it and pull through. You are here. You are gaining knowledge to make the best decisions . Have faith and know you will be fine. If the “worst” happens you will come through that too.
It scares me too! I think the only way that you can protect yourself is to just be honest with yourself, stay grounded and be realistic about your relationship. If everything seems perfect and blissful all the time, that to me would be a red flag. Things that are real aren’t perfect. There are going to be creases and wrinkles and smudges, (that aren’t red flags) but if you can see those things as part of being human, and work through differences and conflict in a healthy way, then it should be safe to trust that your partner wants to be with you and that they won’t just disappear in an AC way.
Sam, nothing has ever been guaranteed, disappearing or not. It’s like deciding not to have children because there are paedos out there, or avoiding cars, trains, planes because they crash, or avoiding trusting anyone for fear of someone breaking your trust. Their behaviour was out of the blue – the signs were there somewhere. You can be blindsided even with red flags.
Natalie,
Thank you for the reminders. I have been no contact for over a month, the pain has lifted and I’m feeling human again. My relationship was short, 5 months, but I know now all the red flags, that the fake future, and the fast forwarding behavior prevented me from seeing and how I allowed myself to get swept off my feet. I had another 3yr. relationship that I broke up 2 years ago, and he had all the same signs, but he was a true narcissist. I believe it’s never too late, to learn because I’m done with the AC and EUM’s, I want more. I have read so many of your emails, and I understand that I got caught up in it all, but believed it. And now I want a steady Eddy kind of a guy. Someone that we slowly get to know each other, and progressively move toward a committment. IF someone guy decides to Fake future me again, I now know to run the heck the other way. He’s just sweet talking, and has nothing to back it. I realize that I can have strong boundaries, and that if they don’t like them, then they don’t like me. Your site has helped me see that, and believe in myself.
Thanks!
I’ve been thinking along the same lines. Steady and dependable, reliable, trusting, caring, respectful, loving, comfortable and comforting…ability to cope with the ups and downs and not take each other for granted. Fighting fair. Intimacy. Friends and lovers. A true companion. Attraction that is meaningful and not merely physical/visceral. True connection. Sigh…
It’ll happen Leisha.
Love that last line Mrldeyez
“Being scared doesn’t excuse their behaviour but it does, along with their subsequent actions tell you why a relationship with them isn’t an option. There’s no easy way to broach fears or endings and with them, you were going to get hurt anyway.” So very true. It will end – its just a matter of when not if.
As for closure with these types – you won’t get it from them – EVER! So don’t waste your time looking for it. When it comes down to it – it does not matter what they say – you can’t believe them in the “relationship” – you certainly can’t trust what they say after the “relationship”. Its pointless and a complete waste of time.
Learn your lessons – alter your behavior were necessary and focus on your positives and not on their negatives – much better time spent. Sometimes a battle best won is a battle best fought – even if its with yourself. Give you what you got!
Amen Movedup!
I totally understand this post and it gives me insight, my first red flag was in the beginning he moved in with me after 8 weeks we put up the tree planned xmas 3 days later I came home and he had moved out! what followed was him AC around for on and off and always future faking just to see me and now Im in NC and its great I dont feel the same way I see him for what he is, I did one s and see as he persuaded me to go away a weekend with him to a romantic place we used to go, I went but I didn’t feel the same its like I was waiting for the bomb to drop, so I held my breath. On return from this weekend the texts got less the knot in my stomach was back and now 2 months later he never spoke again and gave me no explanation like it didnt happen but this time I see myself as having a lucky escape and never want to spend a minute in his company again! I see that because of the love I felt for him for many years I hoped and gave him chances but these people dont change, they are Mr Unavailable lets never forget that and move forward.
Josie, this man is a tit! FLUSH!
Natalie,
WHY are there so many (horrible) men like this today? I don’t understand… Is it the lack of family structures, and taught moral behavior, religious beliefs and practices….etc. – which might have been stricter in times ago like in the 1940s, 1950s?…
Diana,
It’s the men we’re choosing. If you continue to have these beliefs, you will continue to pick the jerks!
There are many decent men out there!
Allison
True. If you believe all (or even most) guys are jerks you will only see jerks. If I believe in B, it would be silly for me to look for A. To find A, I have to believe in A.
Diana, please notice that many women in here blame their problems on their parents’ mistakes and disfunctional relationships, and rightly so, I think. I also believe many EUM and AC became that way because of what happend during their own childhood.
Our parents, in turn, might have learned their bad behaviours from their grandparents, who were often young during the 1940/50s. Both my grandfathers were born around 1900/1910, and I think both their marriages were quite disfunctional, as was my parents’. By the way, all those people claimed to be very ethical and religious!
What I’m trying to say: Maybe some guys didn’t walk away in the past, because society didn’t allow them to do this, but this didn’t keep them from wreaking havoc in their families. It might actually have been better if they had walked away and taken their time to learn from their mistakes instead of starting their own disfunctional families.
This type of behavior has persisted for a very long time. It came under different guises but was the same. Just because many were not aware of it does not mean it didn’t exist.
Men and women are both guilty of the behaviour. We don’t all have to be married off when we’re 20 anymore so we’re free to be as emotionally unavailable and commitment-resistant as we like instead of doing it within the confines of a marriage to one person.
I really need to read this post. I think I’ve been emotionally scared from my Assclown 8 years ago who did exactly this. We were engaged to be married and one day he took off for a conference for his profession, and came back ‘married’ to another. The conference was a hoax, he went to get married. He cut me off, completely- no explanations nothing. I called and called like a pysco, over and over again he’d hang up say he didn’t want to speak to me say rude things and hang up. I’d try and try and try..exhausting..jsut for closure …one closure…one thing…NOTHING. It took me a long time to get over him-years. But now when I see him- I think he’s scum and I imagine my life with him and realize how awful it would be. I’m in a better place now, althogh I seem to have the problem as yet again I found an EUM that I’m currently on day 98 of no contact with. Today was hard as I was going to cave and call him but came to this website for inspiration. This one too, disapperared many times abrubtly before i finally walked away. Nat’s right.. you blame yourself and you think it’s you and it doesn’t make sense as to why it happened especially when others around you love your company. It’s SOOOOO hard to not think it’s you but with that many EUM and similar experiences on this blog out there- how could it be. Maybe just have faith that better things will happen. Thats all I have going for me right now.
Anari, You wrote many people enjoy your company. You are able to express yourself well to us. You have a lot going for you. You are hurt. You will heal. Keep reading this site. You will get out of the slump you are in. Hang in there.
Jesus Anari don’t call him unless you want him to mark your cards as a doormat. Also why the hell would you call on day 98? Are you afraid to get to 100? Keep the faith and move on. Going back is like trying to make things right with your pain source.
Thanks Nat and Leisha, day 99 —> and haven’t called!! Just pissed that he doesn’t miss me!! BUT I remember how hard getting to day 8 was… so nope …not calling… thank heavens for this site.
Jesus !! i had no idea people could behave this badly.
I feel a bit embarrassed as well that i tried to get back or save the relationship by trying to talk or write letters to get him to see 🙁
I wish i hadn’t but i did and to be honest i think its normal if your in love and someone suddenly bunks on you. I think it just shows normal human emotions, your confused, still in love and trying to get closure. Not normal to go from in love to being completely cold and detached. Its just knowing when to give up and pulling your emotions in line so you don’t give them to opportunity to say she is a fruit loop. But mostly to know u have to put whats left all of your energy, love and strength into you to get through it all and not waste anymore valuable resources on the person who hurt you.
Thanks for this article, I love your website and the advice you offer. ..And I need it !! Usually, I am involved with “Mr Unavailables”.
For this particular subject : I did a “disappearing” act on a guy I briefly dated for a few weeks.
I agree with your points about being dishonest with myself and then not wanting to “deal” with the consequences of my decision. Mainly b/c I was slightly dishonest in the relationship and did not want to really explain that to the person. Meaning, I never liked them as much as they had the impression I did.
In theory, I had a nice person wanting to date me. And in theory, would have been a great partner for me. In reality, it was a bit overwhelming and freaked me out. And I was not sure if I wanted that person deep down.
So I bailed. Via email. And refused all contact with this person since.
Also, I would say that if this person I dropped is honest — they would have seen signs of me being waivering beforehand — given I would often bail last minute on dates or other plans. From my point, I did try to talk myself into being in a place where I thought I wanted to be. But ultimately, I was not there in heart or mind. Hence the bailing.
In short : someone who “dissapears” suddenly more or less may have been trying to convince or persuade themselves to have certain feelings for their partner. When they can no longer lie to themselves, that is when they bail.
So anyone who is on the receiving end of this, they have likely not been that honest with you from the get-go. Things did not just “fall apart”. They were never together in the beginning.
In that light, the person who just ditched you, did you a favor, b/c they were lying to you. And you don’t want a relationship with someone who is not honest.
Anon,
“Also, I would say that if this person I dropped is honest — they would have seen signs of me being waivering beforehand — given I would often bail last minute on dates or other plans. From my point, I did try to talk myself into being in a place where I thought I wanted to be. But ultimately, I was not there in heart or mind. Hence the bailing.”
I don’t think it is fair to put an ounce of the blame on the other person, you need to take FULL responsibility! I think it would have been better if you had been honest with this guy, so that he would have had some understanding.
Allison
It was only a few weeks . I’m not sure what there is to understand. I got dumped by phone after a couple of weeks (better than email I admit). I didn’t believe his “explanation” for one minute. But a few days later I didn’t care. It wasn’t a relationship.
I don’t think she could have told him “Sorry, I only pretended to like you . You seem like someone I should be in a relationship with but I just don’t find you attractive” (the truth as grace sees it); she would have had to say something bland like “Sorry, I don’t see a future for us” (the truth but he’s still going to be left wondering why no future). Maybe Nat needs to tell us how to break up with people!
But the principle Anon describes is worth noting – people often pretend to have feelings they don’t and that goes a long way to explaining what we see as mysterious and fascinating behaviour. And they don’t just pretend to others, they’re working way harder pretending to themselves.
Grace,
My point with this poster is that she was throwing some of the blame on the guy, and I just didn’t think that was cool.
Allison: At the same time, I see what Anon is trying to say. She behaved in ways that would have thrown up red flags for the other person. If we’re healthy individuals, we should be able to register those red flags and deal with them accordingly. What Anon did wasn’t great, but we’re all human and we screw up and sometimes do shitty things to each other. Nat is always telling us to watch out for red flags, and here we have the message again from someone (who acted EU as well) who threw up red flags, to watch out for red flags. We can only be responsible for our actions – if we register a red flag, we have to take appropriate action. We can’t rely on someone EU to do the right thing when they throw up a red flag because well, they wouldn’t be EU if they could do the right thing!
Amen Lily.
Hmmmm……well if people can pretend to have ‘feelings’ for 3 years and whats more act on them, i disagree that they dont have feelings, i think they do but maybe change their minds eventually somewhere along the way. I know my man had feelings for myself, no question about that, but i on occasion since we broke up wonder what changed his mind. Nowadays though, i am mostly inclined to put it down to his loss and say NEXT!
Allison, I think you are being somewhat critical and judgemental. The tone and context of Anon’s comment was not to pass blame to the other party. She is contributing to the subject of the post by actually confirming what these situations are like, what is going on in the mind of someone that cuts off and that yes, ultimately there were and more often not are always signs. That doesn’t mean she’s blaming him by stating facts – what she’s confirming is that it’s not as ‘happy’ and that someone in their position may try to catch up their feelings, will behave in ways that indicate that all is not well, and then will bail. She is not proud of what she’s done and what she has shared can actually help others and adds genuine value to the subject and I don’t want that to be overshadowed or hindered by OTT judgement.
By bailing last minute on dates, etc it seems to me that you called, texted, etc. You didn’t just disappear. It may have not been an ideal situation but you did let the party know in a way that didn’t leave them burning their time for you. Time is the most precious thing we have for ourselves and to give to others. (At least for me…love comes with the spending of time…and I have better things to do than waste it foolishly.) I think you were giving yourself a chance to be with others that you ultimately declined for whatever reason.
I think Grace pulled out the main variable here: the time. I don’t think calling something off by email is virtuous, but I agree that it’s not necessarily terrible behaviour to try to give something a go for a short time, wobble a bit because you’re either not ready or because you’re not feeling (or believing) the sorts of things you want to or should (putting aside for a minute that feelings can be misleading – sometimes panic is not about incomptability, but avoidance that has little do with the other person’s personality), and then let things go.
But I think the core issue is robbing someone of their dignity. It’s dignity-robbing when you know in your heart that you’re not being open to the other person and to seeing if a relationship can grow, and you’re still taking their time, affection, and attention, and influencing their future plans and sense of themselves. It can be a fuzzy line – it takes some time to see whether we have the necessary feelings for someone, but it gets to the mean side of that line once you know you’re pulling sh*t on them, while they act like this boob, taking you at face value. Yes, we have to look after ourselves, but we also have a duty to help other people maintain their dignity and freedom of choice. We have no right to defraud people. If we’re scared of relationships, and we know our intent is dubious, we should stay out of them!
This is great insight into why it’s so difficult to experience this. The only problem with some of these people is that they may not truly realise how dishonest they’re been as they’re lying to themselves. But it’s also voicing persistent doubts and these people don’t do this.
I have to comment on this – and now I can update you what happened with my ex. I told you about my ex – we had a one year relationship and as that one year mark approached he started to drink, party, smoke weed, hang out with friends all the time (a complete 180 degree turn from when I first met him). He did confess he was scared, confused, etc. but our conversations went no where – he just asked me for time and space.
After a few weeks, I put my foot down about his poor treatment of me and we got into a huge fight that ended with us on a one month break. A week later (this is the part you don’t know) he called to tell me he didn’t miss me, his life was much calmer now/he was much happier, don’t wait on his phone call and I was free to date other people (although he was not interested in that).
Well needless to say I was super hurt but kept to myself, he texted me few times, once asking to talk, when I said about what? he said to say hi and I said I was busy. That was over a week ago and haven’t heard from the guy since.
My friends then proceeded to tell me that on his g-chat/facebook status he had tons of updates all the time (also out of character) about how happy he was, partying, planning future party trips, posting tons of pics of him drinking. My friends and family were all a bit shocked and I’m unsure if his friends even know (they still chat w/ me online). It’s been about 3 weeks since any contact between us and I still have all of his stuff/he has mine (he uses an extra computer I had, I have some suits of his, big stuff).
I haven’t contacted him b/c we agreed to be apart for a month but to be honest I have no idea what will happen from this point b/c I know he hasn’t processed the relationship ending and although I don’t check up on him we have mutual friends and a few commented how immature he was acting, talking about partying and such.
I’ve been able to get over the anger of literally being shoved out of someones life (yes it has happened to me before) but I’m still processing it as it is all a bit shocking. I understand these women must have been devastated. In a few months I’ll be fine, but it’s hard to imagine someone can generate such negativity in your life so…
I’m sorry you had to go through this AC behaviour. My unsolicited advice: At the end of the one month (end of next week!), just tell him that you want to break up (IMHO you guys should break up! He called and said he doesn’t miss you and life is so much better? That’s a sign to break up if ever there was one. I don’t think he’s worth being in a relationship given how immature he’s asking), and ask to meet so you can give him his stuff back and he can give you yours.
“it’s hard to imagine someone can generate such negativity in your life so…”
Ever had a really toxic boss, relative or nasty teacher? Ever heard from other people’s experiences having one of these? Then it’s not so hard to imagine that people are capable of creating such negativity in your life.
Please read through many of the articles on this site. The guy sounds very immature and out of control. You seem obsessed with him. Please stop torturing yourself with the Facebook stuff. Sounds like a very unsettling and drama-filled scene. Perhaps several months apart would help you get perspective. Consider giving that gift to yourself. Sounds like you could use the break.
It also sounds like people around you are feeding into the already difficult dynamics. In Natalie’s No Contact book she writes about how to deal with several of the issues you have addressed. Perhaps it would help you through this difficult time.
Sho, I’m gonna slam my gavel down here and say ‘open and shut case of assholery’. The guy’s a lush, a flake, and an asshole and the fecking cheek of him to call you up and say he doesn’t miss you. Good – let him stay gone. You’re not that woman. You don’t put up with this shit and if you do, it’s best you stop.
I. AM. SO. GLAD. YOU. WROTE. THIS. PIECE. especially to be able to read it today. Met a long time friend, both out of long term marriages, so happy to get to know each other….Oct, Nov, Dec. Jan….all good. Really. Good! Feb…he stopped talking to me. Did not tell me he was dumping me, just never spoke to me again. We live in the same neighbourhood. I truly did not know and I was devastated. I felt like a fool.
Yesterday, April 12…he arrived at my door (to pick up his daughter who is at my home a lot as my son and her are best friends) knocked and came in and says”Hi, how are you?” with a big smile. Hmmm, hurts me just to think about this. I went numb. I went to get his daughter. I could not look him in the eye. I could not speak to him. I was trying to be brave. I was shaking inside. He left saying “Bye Bye”. I just started to cry.
Then, I broke my 2.5 month no contact rule and emailed him. Of course he did not answer. Then I went back to feeling like a fool. He just wanted to “eyeball” me. It was mean of him to play with my feelings. Mean. And I think he knew it.
I needed to read this post today. Truly I did. I am going on my first holiday in 11 years on Saturday. Heading to Mexico. Never will I feel like a fool again. Not for him.
You are not a fool. Period. You have a tie through your child and that makes the NC more difficult. Natalie’s NC book is very helpful and addresses how to deal with similar situations. Enjoy your holiday!
Tracy, how horrid. This man is an insipid tool. I mean what the frick is he asking how you are for? I mean, Jesus, you’re practically neighbours. The LEAST he could have done is slip you a heads up even if he couldn’t make his way to a full on explanation. He obviously thinks that if he avoids you long enough the anger will pass. Don’t send this clown another email, don’t dignify him with another word and go and enjoy your holiday. You’re not that woman that will chase after him. You’re not a fool but don’t give him anymore of you. Not a drop.
Okay, my comment got cut off for brevity. Short version:
Tell him throughout the relationship that he’s the best guy you’ve ever had and it’s the best relationship you’ve ever been in. Tell him you want to marry him. Tell him you sat your parents down and told them you are The One and you’re different from all the other guys you’ve ever dated and you want to marry him. Make him the first person you’ve ever dated that you introduce to your biological father after having nothing to do with him for years. Six weeks before D-Day email him wedding venue suggestions and address him as your fiance. A month before D-Day tell him that your parents want to meet his so the future in-laws can get acquainted. Make an attempt to introduce him to your 92 year old grandmother around the same time. Go with him two weeks before D-Day to a jewelry convention to look at bands so he’ll have an idea of what kind of engagement ring to get you. Also two weeks before D-Day send him an email telling him you love him so much, he’s an amazing man and you’re so lucky to have him. Five Days before D-Day tell him what kind of engagement ring you want (white gold). Then when you do the deed give him this as your explanation and leave after 15 minutes: “I don’t think I can love you the way you want to be love and need to be loved. When you give me compliments and show me affection, I don’t feel like that person on the inside. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a year and I always do this.”
Daniel
This says nothing good about me, but I completely understand her explanation. I hope she is in counselling so she doesn’t keep continuing this charade.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t have anything more to do with her. It hurts me to say this about another woman, but you’re better of without this EU future faker.
Okay her history: read dad abandons mom when pregnant, tells her to get abortion. Minimal presence in life growing up. Raised by mom and stepdad in unhappy and chaotic home environment. Her stepdad is a good guy, he did the best he could, but she expressed resentments about him when we were together. Dating history before me at the age of 30: two relationships that lasted as long as a year, most short-term of only a few months where she is the dumper because she can’t stand the guys. She told me many times we were together that I was very different from all her other exes and I do believe her on that. Two weeks before D-Day, we had lunch with a friend of hers. The friend tells me: “Daniel, I’ve seen some of the losers she’s been with before and she’s so lucky to have you.” I think that’s why she told her parents that I was The One and why her parents wanted to meet mine. I think it’s why she introduced me to her real dad when she really despises him and has never really forgiven him for walking out on her mom. All I knew of her life before me was that there was a lot of drama and a lot of unhappiness.
I think she has intimacy/abandonment issues. I told her I had gotten a second job to pay for the ring and two days later she dumped me. It was also two days after we had to put my dad in rehab for alcoholism. Abandoned me when I needed her the most. I think she did love me, but her capacity for love is not as great as mine, and her version of love is warped in a sense. I think her explanation basically means that she can’t love me the way I love her…not bc she doesn’t want to, but because she literally can’t. And she was admitting to low self-esteem with her line about not feeling that way on the inside. She’d never been with anybody longer than a year and she ditched me two weeks shy of our 1-yr anniversary.
Daniel
You will have issues too with an alcoholic father. It wreaks havoc on children. I’m not an expert on alcoholism but I have experienced misparenting and it does affect your adult relationships. You end up in unsatisfactory relationships that mirror your childhood experience. That’s something you can work on. Better to do that on your own than muddy the waters with couples counselling. Especially couples counselling with someone who doesn’t seem to want it.
Leave her be and proceed on your own, maybe with professional support. There is light at the end of this.
agreed, but i’m on the other end of Daniels x partners behaviour.
I was abandoned therefor i was picking people who didn’t have the capacity or mental health to love me, therefore getting abandoned again and trying to get him to stay and healing old wounds. I only learnt this in my last relationship but i’m so glad i have learnt why i was making poor choices. I used to think it was dumb luck or i was unlovable which only fed the whole vicious cycle and each man and friends actually, would prove my theory right.
So Daniel i ended up getting a very similar thing done to me.
Its painful, awful but you just need to learn the lessons and survive it. It will be hard but if you stick in their and work out your lot, you will gain deeper insight and move towards loving open and healthy people 🙂
My guess is that she is doing whatever she can to block out all thoughts of me and not think of me. I’ve thought of her every single day, all day, for six months now, and I bet I rarely if ever cross her mind. I’d like to think she feels any kind of guilt or remorse but I doubt it.
Daniel,
I misread your post.
Rereading, I see how painful this must be for you. I will never understand why it takes people so long to finally realize they cannot continue a relationship.
This was a cruel act and I hope she will address her problems , one cannot continue to go through life treating others this way.
I hope that you will be able to trust once again, as there are any wonderful women who will appreciate your love and commitment.
Thanks for your kind comments. It’s been six months since the b/u and 5.5 months of NC. She did contact me three months after the b/u to get her bike back. We briefly met up to hand the bike off. Exchange pleasantries, discussed nothing of substance, the whole encounter lasted four minutes. I sent her a letter two weeks after the breakup where I said I respected her decision if she felt that was best for her, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and I wanted to try couples counseling. Two and a half months of silence went by until she emailed me asking for her bike back.
@Daniel
So sorry this happened to you. It happens on both sides. Lots of unavailable women out there (also AC women). Sending you healing thoughts!!
Daniel, So sorry. Welcome to our world.
However, like us you can become more knowledgeable here . Truly, welcome and may you be like a brother to the sista’s here.
I’m sorry you went through this. Just goes to show that women can be EU future fakers too. But you know, her explanation was EXTREMELY honest (and hurtful of course). She told you exactly who she was, which explains why she did what she did. She could have done worse, which was to disappear with no explanation at all. So be glad that you actually got an explanation and I hope you truly believe that this was not about you at all. She was trying hard to pretend to herself more than anything (see Anon’s comment upthread).
I do think she loved me and I do think she was in love with me, at least at some point. I don’t think you get to such a serious stage and make such big plans if you are THAT ambivalent about a person. The anonymous person above cut things off after a few weeks, not after going to the brink of an engagement. It’s not like I brought up marriage and she kind of half-heartedly shrugged and was like “Uh, yeah, that would be nice.” She initiated that talk and did the gestures just as much as I did. I felt loved by her, if that makes sense. I know you have to judge a person by their actions and not their words, but there are certain things she did that make me believe that despite how she ended things, she did love me. NML posits that there are two kinds of future fakers: The users that are completely insincere in order to get what they want, and those that at the time they say the words and make the gestures are sincere, but ultimately can’t follow through on their commitments. I think she was definitely the latter.
But I agree with NML in that her capacity to love isn’t as great as mine. I think of people like her as basically Great Balcony, Great Patio, but the inside of the house isn’t decorated and has no furniture. They can fall in love, they can do the short-term emotional expression, but when the honeymoon stage gives way to the Power Struggle stage, their anxieties and fears come to the surface and it’s easy for them to bail.
Some other weirdery: in the weeks before she dumped me, she made a couple of comments that struck me as alarming that took on more significance after the breakup. She’s very religious, and about 3 weeks before D-Day, we’re watching tv at my apt, and she says “I wish I were in Heaven now.” And I was really taken aback by this and I said “Don’t you mean you want to go to Heaven now?” What about our future together?” And she replies “Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now.” This is a 31 year old woman with the rest of her life to look forward to. She also made a few other comments around the same time about wanting Jesus to come back already.
The last thing she said to me before leaving my apartment was “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, but I can’t get married.”
Hi Daniel. Your ex is very mixed up. You sound like a great guy but you know, around someone that feels as she does, she just won’t trust you or the relationship. I think she went through the motions and wanted to believe but ultimately, it all got too overwhelming. It sounds like she was playacting at being in a relationship and trying it out for size. She did a lot of firsts with you and that’s enough to throw anyone off track as you got sucked down the rabbit hole but it is an incredible deception that I doubt she even fully realised she was doing. That’s not to absolve her of responsibility – you were involved with someone who had a limited capacity to love and feel. I know someone who literally breaks up with women after 90 days – no doubt as the year approached that flipped her out as well. She doesn’t like or love herself – the way you treat her and how she feels, it’s like you’re talking about someone else and she didn’t believe she could live up to that. While you’re the first she’s jilted and I doubt you’ll be the last, it is very telling that she said “I always do this” which suggests that she wasn’t entirely honest with you about her past. What I do know is that she can’t be and do what you want – the woman you want isn’t what’s on offer. It will take time to deal with the hurt and the loss but don’t sell yourself short.
“You sound like a great guy but you know, around someone that feels as she does, she just won’t trust you or the relationship. ”
What I know of her previous relationship history is that she dated a lot of abusers and users. The guy she briefly dated right before me completely disappeared on her without a trace after they slept together for the first time. She even confronted me a month before she dumped me and said “I’ve had guys tell me that they loved me before and wanted to marry me – how do I know you’re different?” Not that I was a doormat that waited on her hand and foot, but I treated her extremely well, the way I would want to be treated. She should have had no reason to doubt my commitment and love for her. So basically what you’re saying is in a way, she found it hard to trust the good treatment that she got from me? Because it was not what she was used to? And her childhood and previous romantic history has done a number on her self-esteem and ability to love and feel good about herself? And here I come along and give her the love that she’s always craved and wanted, but in a way it seems too good to be true and she doesn’t feel like she deserves it, as when she said she didn’t feel like that person on the inside when I gave her complimetnts? And it’s not like I put her up on a pedestal and showered her with praise, just the normal affection and love you give to somebody in a committed relationship.
The other thing I struggle with is “Did she love me?” I’ve been in relationships before where I don’t think the person loved me ultimately, such as with my ex-ex. In that case, we had been together a year, but we never discussed anything serious like marriage, and we parted on amicable and friendly terms because she was moving to a job in another state and we didn’t feel like enough was invested for me to move with her. But with my most recent ex, I did FEEL loved by her. I think there are some things you can fake and some things you can’t. She’s not a bad person like the future fakers who are straight up users and say whatever to get what they want. I remember about two months before we broke up, I was with her and her mom, and out of nowhere my ex says “You know, I was sitting out by the pool today by myself, and I thought to myself ‘I really love that boy.'”
I know the saying “They can’t love you if they don’t love themselves.” I think she loved me as best as she could, it’s just that she has issues with intimacy and when I started moving ahead with plans to get formally engaged, she shut down and denied the connection that up until that point she felt.
Daniel,
Your post strikes a chord. In some ways I could have been your ex. You can read elsewhere in this post about my experiences.
For what it’s worth: the transition from choosing users and abusers to choosing good guys is bumpy. If she is like me at all, I find that as long as the heart wants to “engage” with old hurts and insecurities, it will. That means that if she hasn’t really put the fires out that drove her to the bad guys, then those fires are still there when she meets a good one. Get close and he gets burned. The heart can’t be at peace or still with anyone if it isn’t at peace in itself.
No matter how kind you were, and even how much she may have cared for you, if SHE has a buried (or not so buried) raging or simmering anger or fear or hurt, it is alive in HER and only she can ferret it out and douse it. Some of the things you report that she told you, about her history, might be yellow flags.
My ‘tale of woe’ around real abuse used to be much more up front than now. My story of resenting my father, also was once much more at the surface. I’m not 100% on top of these histories, but the next guy I meet will know (eventually, if we get that close) that I’m working on putting these fires right out, and I hope he expects me to have my life together and takes no pride in being the first to treat me well.
When the last boyfriend I had DIDN’T get a little antsy learning about my history, I worried. HE had a history of dating women who had been mistreated and told me that they usually left him because he treated them too well and they couldn’t accept that.
Not that this is you, but he (and the much more decent guy I wrote elsewhere here about) had problems too, so sure he was the great guy that wasn’t doing me wrong that I could never bring up his defensiveness or walls. The actual good guy I left suddenly hadn’t ever brought anyone else, really, into the survival patterns he’d learned in an alcoholic, abusive home. I WISHED he wouldn’t have been so kind, and persuasive, and loving, when I said so many times to him (while telling him I loved him) that I was not at all certain about us.
She never expressed any ambivalence until right at the very end, right before she dumped me, and what she said could easily have been construed as ordinary relationship issues. What she did say sounded like differing love styles and love language between us. I now realize that she was already detaching and preparing to cut the cord.
One thing I’ve read is that people like this tend to end relationships and abandon them before they can be abandoned, because that is their greatest fear – abandonment. It is a coping mechanism, and I think it ties in with what NML says about not trusting the relationship and not trusting me.
Hi Daniel, I’ve thought of your situation a few times over the past few days. I don’t think that your ex was being an ‘assclown’. What she did was cold, cruel, and incredibly hurtful and was greatly tied to her own inner turmoil. That doesn’t make what she did any less wrong or hurtful, but I think, probably because you weren’t really getting a window into who she was and how she arrived at this point in her life, that you inadvertently underestimated what you were dealing with, not least because she was overestimating her capacity as well, drawing you in with all the big talk and plans. You’re right about the abandonment https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-youre-afraid-of-abandonment-but-you-also-choose-people-that-are-likely-not-to-stay/ and I’ll be honest with you, I think this is one of those situations where for *some* reason, she struck out from her usual type but at the same time thought that there was something in you that would still meet her self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s like you were being set a test you didn’t know you were sitting – she was saying and doing stuff, especially about the wedding, not only to convince herself of her feelings but actually, to test you out. When it became apparent that you weren’t going to fail the test and meet her self-fulfilling prophecy, she forced the issue. It was bugging me over the past few days what it was that bugged me about your story and it’s the various things that she said, prompting and pushing you to do stuff that makes it feel like some sort of grand test. I don’t think it was conscious per se, although it may well have been. She was really sweeping you up in this tide of confidence too and you sounded like you really wanted to please her as you sought to meet each of her requests. She probably thought you might abandon her with one of these tests. I also don’t think it’s coincidental that a couple of days before you were taking your father in for alcoholism – the sheer volume of emails I’ve had from people who have been ditched when bigger problems such as sick relative, funeral, job loss etc presented themselves is unreal. I don’t think she would have been able to handle that type of emotional support or your attention being diverted. His problems also may have panicked her and reminded her of her own past. She’s very mixed up and I feel for her, but what she did was unnecessary. I only hope you realise you’re worth more and that you cannot be the solution to this woman’s problems.
What a bummer, Daniel.
I’ve always thought myself too whiny for bringing up ambivalences but it’s got to be better than saying you’re all in right up until an abrupt dump. Wishing you well.
OMG Nat!
I feel like you just describe my x down to a T.
He was always saying thing like “how can you love me, what do u see in me” ” how do i know this is real” ” are you really this nice” ” i don’t feel as good as what you see me to be” stuff like that. I thought it was just a confidence thing at the time.
By the end of it i felt like he was just playing a part or a role as well.
Just awful stuff to be on the receiving end of !
Mine was very similar only i was told ” i always get bored of things around the year mark” he was talking about his numerous expensive hobbies he would suddenly be fixated on, spend stupid amounts of cash on then ditch when a new thing peaked his interest. However when he said this after bailing i realised he had done the same with me.
Thanks for this. The most difficult thing for me was the disappearance – absolutely no acknowledgement of me as a person. He moved on to someone else and didn’t even tell me. I found out on Facebook, and he never returned my calls after that. The emotional wound has taken quite a while to heal – and getting over the sense that somehow I didn’t deserve anything…an explanation…aknowledgement…one frkin word! It mirrors abandonments and wounds inflicted in childhood and past relationships. I always knew that he just didn’t want to deal with me/the consequences. (‘Get the consequences of my actions as far away from me as possible’ rings so true.) Unfortunately, knowing that didn’t make it hurt any less. But I have felt that wound open up and then heal over many months and I’m grateful. I now have the tools to recognize, like you said, it really isn’t about me. I also know, I will do everything in my relationships…or in any situation to face up and take responsibility for myself, so I don’t ending up doing this to someone else.
Yep. Those who have felt real pain don’t wish to inflict it on another. We want to break not cycles not perpetuate them. I like your thinking. Sounds like your head and heart are living together nicely.
Hi PJ, it’s never about ‘deserving’ an explanation as if explanations come to deserving relationships and people – he doesn’t want to give one. What he did is cold and cruel – on the other side of your hurt is freedom and you have developed a coping mechanism. Work through what he has done and the old abandonment’s and continue taking care of you. Well done for coping so well.
I am so glad to see this article – in all the ‘researching’ I’ve done about relationships since my last one ended I haven’t yet found anything that really touched on what I experienced. This is exactly what my ex did to me. While we weren’t about to get married (not even close), among the many after effects of the way he left me was that when I think about the possibilty of marriage I feel terrified that exactly this will happen, whereas before, being left at the altar was something that only happened on TV or to “other people.”
It’s funny, because the aftermath of what he did has so little to do with him as himself. I barely miss him, and yet there is so much emotional BS I now have to deal with just because of the way our relationship ended, even though we hardly knew each other. We were long distance, and hadn’t even met face to face yet. We’d been talking for the better part of a year, and on a daily basis for something like 6 months, and, I thought, were equally emotionally invested in seeing where things could go. Of course in reality he had been future faking, etc, with me for months, and I bought it hook line and sinker.
Then, just as we were making plans to finally take things forward he abruptly disappeared, no explanation. Three weeks later, after multiple unanswered emails, he wrote to me with some BS excuse about how he was “not well” and needed to focus on getting better and it was only fair that he do it alone. Yeah, right.
I believed this tale for about four days, and even went so far as to leave my contact information with his brother should the worst happen. I was such a headcase from the three weeks of no word, tears and sleepless nights, that I didn’t know my ass from my elbow, and was just relieved to hear something, as absurd as it was. I had been with Mr. Unavailables before, but all the ones previous to him I was not even really that into, and was only with because I myself was unavailable, and when those relationships ended they barely registered. This time though I did care, and I was devestated.
…up until his abrupt disappearance I wasn’t actually all that invested, I mean, I liked him a lot, cared for him, but not to the point where I felt like I desperately needed him. It is amazing how much damage he did simply by ceasing to be there without any explanation. I was a mess for weeks until he finally summoned the balls to tell me it was over, convinced that I’d loved him and needed him and would never get over him and blah blah blah, when just a few weeks earlier I felt totally sane and level headed about things. The sick thing is that he is a therapist, and surely must know what this kind of thing does to a person.
When I last wrote back after he finally said goodbye, I had left the door open, but little by little it is closing in my mind. I half want him to try to get in touch so I can slam the door in his face, and tell him how little integrity he has (he thinks otherwise, naturally), and what a pathetic, cowardly, small little man he is, and that he doesn’t even deserve to breathe my name. But while all that may be true, I really only want to say it to him because I feel so ridiculous for having left the door open in the first place. I hate the idea that he thinks that he got away clean or that he might actually think I am desperately lost without him. The reality is that he doesn’t deserve to know I’m even thinking about him.
It is also funny that up until his aprubt disappearance I wasn’t actually all that invested, I mean, I liked him a lot, cared for him, but not to the point where…
Lausana, I think what’s hard here is that yes it was long distance, but for all intents and purposes it was a long distance fantasy relationships. Too much words, not enough human. It’s a loss none the less and so you must grieve it like you would any other relationship which means grieving the loss of hopes, plans, dreams and essentially what you thought this relationship would become and accepting that it’s over and letting go. For future reference, don’t ever spend six months playing pen pal. Either meet within a month or two or call it quits.
Yah…I won’t be making this mistake again. I let myself get carried away with what our relationship could have been (in fairness to me, because he made all the right noises right up until the day he vanished). We were actually supposed to meet much sooner, but he backed out, and silly me, I let him keep hanging around anyway. Lesson learned.
This blog, and your books are great, and have helped a lot! Thanks 🙂
While dating my last EUM, he told me he was a player, a free-spirit that would always cheat in his relationships. I told him that I appreciated his honesty, decided to hang with him a couple more times (the chemistry was so intense), and bail before I became attached. He wanted me to be his “girlfriend” but I declined… and he knew I was going to stop seeing him very soon. So the next time we got together he turns his attention onto another woman (see rubbernecking post) and I ended it that night.
When we were having it out that last night, he said “I thought you appreciated me being honest (about being a player)”. My response was that part of being honest was taking responsibility for the consequences. I personally don’t understand how a 40+ yr. old wouldn’t know this by now. And just because I know you’re a player doesn’t mean you can disrespectfully shove it in my face…
Anyway I bring this up because it doesn’t surprise me that people don’t want to take responsibility for or deal with the consequences of their feelings/actions, even under the guise of “honesty”. That would just be too emotionally mature…
Oriana,
I’m sorry, but this guy was very honest with you. I think you really need to address why you choose to stick around. You knew what this guy was about.
Yeah that wasn’t the point tho, the point was that he thought being honest meant he could be rude and disrespectful to me and didn’t have to take any responsibility for his actions. He didn’t say “I’m a player and I’m going to shove it in your face the next time we go out”, to which I responded hell ya, go right ahead, thanks for the warning. Plus he was pissed that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend because of what he told me.
His being honest allowed me to make decisions based on my values, which was that I didn’t want to get involved with someone who cheats (he called himself a player, but he wasn’t what I would call a real full-blown player – in fact I kinda laughed when he told me, cause I think he wants to view himself as one but really he’s just someone who would cheat on girlfriends from time to time). That I appreciated and could not get upset about.
Sorry my first post wasn’t that clear. It’s hard to explain, this guy spent a lot of time with me and treated me quite well – he is very sweet for the most part, he just couldn’t keep his pants on… he knew I was bailing and decided to do it first, but not in a nice way. Anyway this is hijacking the topic – I just wanted to point out that part of being honest is dealing with the consequences. Maybe not the best example.
Oriana,
I have to agree with Allison. Though it sounds rather childish that he likes to be a “player” and eventually cheats on all women don’t let honesty about that fact drag you down and give you a reason to stay. You said you were going to stop seeing him very soon but next time just get out of there. Don’t hang around waiting for him to be someone worth while. He wasn’t going to change.
oriana
he told you what he was. honesty doesn’t necessarily imply taking responsibility. it can be as simple as “this is me, take it or leave it”. When he gave you this information, it was your get out moment. By continuing to spend time with him, you were saying “I’m fine with you being a cheat”. Words don’t actually have to come out of your mouth for these guys to get that message.
You congratulated him because he told you he was a cheat. And then you tell him off for not hiding it. No wonder the poor dear was confused (note the sarcasm).
And these cheats always spark off great chemistry. That’s how they get women to sex them up. You nearly fell for it yourself. Glad you walked away.
Him being 40 plus has nothing to do with it. That’s just20 more years of cheating practice to him. Hang on, I think I know this guy …
Yeah you’re right 🙂
For me, being a “playa” means AUTOMATICALLY they are going to be disrespectful. Playing with fire. Enjoying the burning. Loving the charge of it. Getting off on the game. No other way do I see it. It means “RUN!” They ARE the big bad wolf.
“part of being honest was taking responsibility for the consequences.”
You’re assuming here that he thought there were consequences to being a player, etc. But he clearly did not think there were, otherwise he would have stopped long ago. And I think part of being a player is about disrespectfully shoving it in one’s face. How can you be a respectful player?
Despite this, it sounds like you listened to his honesty: you enjoyed the chemistry, you had an exit strategy, and you smartly declined to be his girlfriend. Things could have been a LOT worse.
Oriana, I know that much has already been said about your comment so all I’ll say is this – you were attempting to control a playa’s agenda. It’s a bit like asking a fire if they’re a fire and then complaining when it burns you. It’s not him that needs to be responsible for the consequences – it’s you.
I think I have read hundreds of these. Even though most deal with men hurting women, I can still relate. After reading the article and the moving, yet heartbreaking comments, I am ready to vent a little…
My story is really no different. An on-again, off-again relationship. Five years ago, we were talking marriage and kids after a year together. Then, BOOM! She told me she wanted to see other people. She wanted to do the partying that she had been denied as a teenage mother.
Well, “other people” turned out to be one person, much to my devastation. She didn’t disappear… at first. I needed a new place to live, so she recommended a friend of a friend who was renting. She became very insistent that I live there. So, I did. Still, to this day. We stayed in touch, but it wasn’t the same. There would be times when she would do or say something so hurtful, I would lash out and cut off contact. One NC lasted a year, before I broke down (over two years ago) and contacted her, wanting to see if there was a possibility of friendship.
So, we got together. We talked. For months, we were “friends.” I was quite content with it, actually. At least, that’s what I tell myself. With all the history, it was hard to say. She even revealed that she had purchased a house around the time of our first breakup for US. Doesn’t explain the sudden breakup, but what would? Then, one night, we started kissing and she pulled me into her bedroom, quite forcefully. Mind you, I didn’t put up much resistance. I should have. We were together that night and many nights after. The fault of NOT talking about what was going on was on me. I didn’t want to rock the boat. I thought my actions would speak louder than words. I also thought that maybe she knew that this was not a “casual thing” for me and she knew of my feelings.
Her birthday came and I showered her with attention. I had a musician friend record a song for her, an accoustic version of what I considered “our song.” When I gave it to her, she was dumbfounded. We had dinner, went to a movie, and spent the night together again.
The new year came around with no indication of anything ending. Valentine’s Day was coming up and I vowed to myself that I was going…
Steve
Your comment got cut off but I think I can see how this ends …
I hope it has ended? She’s been messing you about for a long time and it’s time you stopped it. She breaks up with you, then keeps you in her life, you try to be friends, you try the casual sex thing – it’s so depressingly familiar. She’s Miss Unavailable and you’re the Fallback Man.
All Nat’s advice applies to you. Wishing you fruitful reading!
Thank you, Grace. As you can see below, I did continue this sad story ending with a not-so-happy ending…
Cut off. I’ll try to be brief in concluding this.
I was going to put it all on the line and tell her how I felt. A week before Valentine’s Day, her car broke down. She became angry at me for not offering to help her (she didn’t ask), but I was at work and simply could not leave. This created silence at first and then pithy emails stating that she wanted people in her life she could “count on.”
Again, I chose not to rock the boat and asked if we could talk (the night before Valentine’s Day) and then go out and enjoy the evening. She agreed. So, with my rose (red…she made sure that it was red) and gift (vintage board game that she lovingly remembered playing with her now-deceased grandmother), I drove over there. She hopped in the car. We talked for maybe minutes and then went out to eat. I thought it was resolved. I was wrong.
After dinner (and a traffic ticket), we went back to her place and watched TV. A few hours went by. Out of the blue, she tells me what a Nice guy I was, but she didn’t love me. She even implied that our relationship over the past few months was friends with benefits. I was too numb to be appalled at that point. Then, out of nowhere, she softly said that she didn’t want to be alone. I took her hands, looked her in the eye and asked her to give us a chance. She didn’t have to be alone. She looked back at me and said, “No.”
I felt set up and foolish. But again, numb.
So, I left. Looked at the clock in my car. After midnight. Dumped on Valentine’s Day. I actually laughed a little.
In the months after, I’d get the occasional jokey “how are you” email. Eventually, I just got silent. So many times, I blew up at her, rightfully so, only to be told that I said “mean things.” Silence was best. It’s been almost a year since my NC started. Yet, I fear that I haven’t heard the last from her. But I now realize that I control this, not her. Thanks to close friends and those of you out there who share your sad stories.
Steve, You love her; she seems unable to love you in the type of relationship that you want and deserve. Stay with this site. Those we love we can love at a distance when we find they are too distracting for us to live comfortably interacting with them. You sucked to see. You learned. It’s okay. It’s nice to have more of you guys coming in to join with your sista’s in the healing so many of us have to do. Thanks for sharing.
@ Steve
I think women sometimes believe men do not have feelings. I am so sorry she treated you so badly. I hope you find the woman that will treat you with honesty, love, respect and kindness!!
“But I now realize that I control this, not her. ” Good for you! Stop letting her play you and find someone who’s actually emotionally available!!
Hi Steve. Your ex sounds like a very mixed up, switchy individual and the best thing you could ever do for yourself is not to degrade yourself by having anything further to do with her. She’s practically parasitic and cruel and I think she’s flattered by your attentions and affections but due to her own issues, it’s like she doesn’t like or respect you for feeling as you have about her. One of the things I have stressed to people that is hard to hear, is that never allow someone to reject you more than once, twice at an absolute push because I understand that we give out second chances. This woman originally rejected you in a big way and is flaky. They’re often the one’s who hold our attention. Fact is, she’s nothing special – she’s proven that with her open and shut case of assholery.
In the future, eyes open, listening and open discussion. If you can’t ask questions for fear of rocking the boat, it tells you a lot about her, the relationship, and your own feelings and you will inadvertently deceive yourself. That doesn’t make you responsible for her actions but these things to learn can be applied to future relationships so you never have to experience this again.
Thank you all for the words of support. Can never have too many “sistahs.” 🙂 I particularly liked NML’s “open and shut case of assholery.” Perfect…
NC just got alot easier thanks to all of you. Much love.
Steve, this sounds so familiar.. My ex seemed so in love with me…as I was with her, and we were making plans for a future together. Then the phone call…she didn’t love me, wasn’t attracted to me, just saw me as a friend. I was shocked and heartbroken. She too said that in a relationship, she always lost interest eventually.
She wanted us to be friends. I tried, but it was awful. I felt hurt and resentful, and she blew hot and cold, at times trying to get sex from me, and other times insisting that we were just friends.
I eventually cut off all contact, and I’m glad I did. Wish I’d done it sooner. I’d have saved myself so much misery. Why she acted as she did? Her mind is just changeable. Monday, she could feel passionately in love with me…and Tuesday, she could feel indifferent, bored, or scared.
I’m not that way. I don’t understand that kind of thinking. I would think, “But she loved me on Monday, she couldn’t have meant what she said on Tuesday.” I was only kidding myself. This fickleness IS who she really is. It’s impossible to have a sane relationship with someone this inconsistent.
After months of no contact, we ran into eachother. Before our break-up, she’d been accepted into grad school, and was so excited about it. I asked her how’s school — and she told me that she had decided not to go back to school. After she’d been so excited about it!? I thought, “Damn, that sounds familiar!”
“It would be great if they could respect you and the time you shared by dignifying you with an explanation and decent treatment, but they wouldn’t have ended it this way if that was ever going to be on offer. That…and they would have to explain about themselves and as they don’t want to know themselves and have that level of honesty, you’ll either be in for a long wait or some distorted version of events that will leave you with more questions than answers.”
I remember the last time I saw my xAC we had the best time out of all our previous dates. I tried seeing him again after that. He would always say we should meet, I would always say let’s do it, but then he would always say he was busy. After two months of this I stopped trying and I never heard from him. It was a two-month process of disappearing, paired with lies and empty promises.
I remember telling friends and family that I couldn’t move on until I got an explanation. The way he disappeared left many unanswered questions. I was told he was being nice, letting me down easy by saying we should meet and then never meeting and yet still having nice chats on the phone. Yes, I should have taken the hint, but in my mind I was waiting for the final explanation. The one I thought I deserved after knowing him for a good 6 months.
Thanks to Natalie and this site I got out of that rut and stopped waiting because it’s exactly as you said – they don’t want to look in the mirror and see the ugly truth of who they are and what they’ve done so they run. They want to hit that reset button, start new and guilt-free with someone else who hasn’t figured them out yet.
I’ve come to accept the xAC’s disappearing act as a gift. The disappearing itself IS the explanation – it says “You thought I was an honest and decent man, but really I am a coward with lots of issues, and like a child I’d rather run away than to deal with any problems in my life. I am sparing you this package of shame.” Pretty good explanation for me!
TeaTime: “You thought I was an honest and decent man, but really I am a coward with lots of issues..” Well said.
In my mind, I’ve come to the conclusion that many of the behaviors exhibited that I’ve experienced and read about simply equate to “not being ready for a relationship” or at least not being ready for a relationship with me of the type I want and deserve. It’s ultimately that simple. I have had to address my own patterns, beliefs, and behaviors to learn how I sabataged myself and admit that I’ve likely caused harm and through this learning there is one thing I’m certain of: I do not wish to create further harm nor go back to where I’ve been. I feel blessed to have come to this site and all of the souls here. Thanks all!
“You thought I was an honest and decent man, but really I am a coward with lots of issues, and like a child I’d rather run away than to deal with any problems in my life. I am sparing you this package of shame.”
You. Are. Awesome. 😀
TeaTime, your description of your AC sounds so familiar to mine. Difference is that I havent been able to get over it -yet. We’ve been NC – my slap to him after his assclownry. I know deep down that it IS a gift, but I still love him after being friends for almost twenty years and having a romantic relationship for almost five. It hurts.
Tess
Tea Time, may I cut and paste your comment into my journal?
“You thought I was an honest and decent man, but really I am a coward with lots of issues, and like a child I’d rather run away than to deal with any problems in my life. I am sparing you this package of shame.”
One day, I know I’ll be grateful he was a coward with lots of issues and ran like a child rather than deal with his problems. One day, I know I will be grateful I was spared.
Great comment Teatime especially the last para. His actions were indeed a gift and well done to you for putting your emotional welfare first and opting out of this dynamic.
I left a pretty good guy quite abruptly: not with no explanation, but on the way home from a friend’s wedding, I asked to be dropped off at my parents’ house and from that day never went back to our shared apartment except to get my stuff.
He was devastated. I remember him saying, but I thought this was it. I thought we were together. I remember thinking, but I have been expressing my uncertainty and ambivalence this whole time (5 years). But in between expressions of ambivalence, I did my best to express my affection and love. I ‘tried’ to break up with him three times in those years. Each time he told me it didn’t get any better than what we had and I was so scared it was true, even though I felt unhappy and couldn’t really say why, I kept ‘trying’ to make it work. I wonder if he really thought everything was great between us and was shocked, when to me I was finally doing what I had threatened to do for so long but had never just done.
I still can’t say 100% that I feel one way or the other about him or the experience. In many ways he was the kindest and most dedicated man I was ever with, and yet I was constantly unhappy, and stressed far more in the aftermath about not knowing why I couldn’t be happy than missing him as a person.
I’m now addressing my general ambivalence about commitments and fear of being 100% about anything. I am certain that I don’t want another relationship until I know I can offer certainty about my choice to be with that person. But that means a lot more learning about what I am certain about for myself, first.
Thanks for sharing Magnolia. It must be hard to recall it but it’s comments like this that really add value and understanding to the subject of the post. Based on what had happened during your relationship combined with your fear of commitment, it became clear that you felt that if you tried to end it, he’d talk you around again, so you did this in such a way as to remove all possibility of it and finally drive home the message. I’m sure he didn’t think everything was great between you but as I have seen many a time, some people won’t break up because they feel ‘I still want to try, so they should try’ or ‘I love them, how can they want to leave?’ It goes without saying that what you did was incredibly hurtful but you haven’t come out unscathed either and what you need to do now is ensure that you don’t end up in the same position again. Take care.
I am very familiar with this particular topic. It happened several times in the course of the relationship, each time I was the one who went a’beggin’….but not this time. This time, when he left, I closed the door. I AM SO GLAD HE IS OUT. Yes, it still hurts sometimes, but it hurts more to think I put up with his BS for so long, even though I knew his history of walking out, not just on lovers, but on best friends, and family members. What I am also glad about, is that I FINALLY learned my lesson about making excuses for men’s bad treatment. On the very first date, the warning signs were there, but I made excuses for him….and continued to do so, again and again, as though I was some kind of SAINT who could love such a misunderstood man. Now, there are days when I don’t think of him. Somedays I feel hurt, again. But I am thinking about ME now, and what makes ME happy. I’m glad he’s gone.
When someone’s tendency is to walk out on others, they’ll walk out on you. Be glad you’re no longer Florence Nightingaling and trying to be the exception to this man’s shady rule of behaviour.
15 years ago, my old BF from teenage years (15 to 20 1/2 – 5 1/2 yrs together) looked me up after 10 years of NC. We bought a house and planned our future together – 3 days after closing he came to the house (as he was not moving his things in) and told me he could not do it. I tried contacting him in the next few weeks to see if we could talk and he said he had to get up for work and could not talk. I was at a 7-Eleven payphone crying and this wonderful man had gotten out of his car and came up to me to see if I was ok. This was my epiphany with this man – I looked at the very kind man, looked at the payphone and said to the BF “Oh my God, some man at 7-Eleven cares more about how I feel than you do”. Never, ever did hear from him again. I pick the winners!!!
Aimee, what can I say? 🙁 I’m sure it must have been very difficult for you, but you must be strong and move on. I’m sure you’ll be fine! I’ve heard stories of this kind, about men sabotaging the relationship right before getting married or moving in together. What happened to the house, in the end?
But, let me ask: before this final episode with the house, have you ever spotted any red flags? Was there anything about him that indicated possible committment-phobia?
@Sandra81
Actually that was the easiest break up I ever got over. By the way, that happened 15 years ago. I grieved for about 5 months, and one day just woke up and said “ok, I’m over so and so” and I was. I knew he did me a great favor and still know that today!
Aimee
I identify. Getting the chop must be deeply unpleasant but I think it’s better than what I’ve (allowed myself) to endure. The to-ing and fro-ing, the getting back together, the FWB. It’s a chronic waste. of. time.
Compared to that, I’ll take the chop.
Lol, may I add that aren’t the only two choices in relationships. Sometimes we can get very pessimistic as we share these stories.
I’m surrounded by people in loving relationships, which have only been deepening in the ten plus years that I’ve observed them. It can happen for us too.
@Grace
The chop was easier than on again/off again. And reading what Nat wrote earlier about only taking rejection once, maybe twice is quite enough. When I read Nat’s words I realized I let this last BF reject me 7 or 8 times – man has my self-esteem been suffering again since he left a message. I was doing so good and than they pop their ugly heads up for a little bit more mind f**kery!!
@Sandra81
I didn’t finish reading your response before replying. We were together from my age of 15-20 1/2. During that time I was into drugs and alcohol. I was totally unavailable and so was he. Shortly after we broke up I sobered up and for 10 years I blamed myself for our demise because of my using. When he looked me up (age 31)I thought I had another chance – problem was I changed and he had not – still unavailable. I really struggled with the mortgage, but made it and am still in the same house (46 now).
Yes there was a couple red flags. 1) He was controlling around the first time we were going to have sex for the first time in 10 yrs. I was not ready at first, then when I was, he wasn’t (he thought I was playing a game, but I wanted to be sure that I was in, and not going to hurt him again like I did years earlier) 2) I picked up one night (and only one night) that he might not be ready – and so I confronted him and said I was not sure he was ready and that was ok, I would not be mad, but I wanted to live near the mountains if he did not move in, not the city. He got upset and said are you not ready? I told I was absolutely ready (which I was – I had done a lot of work on myself). He told me he was ready and we bought a house near both our families in the city (uggghhh).
It was a case of him lying to himself. Back then I wish I had said your not ready and I am going to move were I want to be – but I really thought we were having an honest open communication.
Hi Aimee. Two words: Flaky asshole.
Aimee,
That’s horrible!!!! What an asshole!
I hope you’re not responsible for the entire mortgage, too?
“…you’ll eventually come to be thankful that you were spared from spending even a minute more in the company of someone that doesn’t play decent, never mind fair.”
That pretty much sums it up for me. Thankful for every lesson learned and every moment not wasted.
Well said.
Amen! 😉 I’m grateful it’s been a matter of months, and not years, and that I took things quite slowly: if we had gone too far in the “relationship”, I would have suffered much more.
OMG!!!!!!This is exactly what happened to me….August 2010 was suppose to be a bridesmaid at his sister’s wedding in Sept. It was I love you so much baby up until the morning when he went to work and never came back. We werre living together in a house we were planning to buy.. His mom was suggesting wedding dresses the whole nine..I didn’t know what hit me.. totally dumbfounded. never talked about how unhappy.. finally after a week of me begging and pleading..he showed up drunk and said he didn’t want this..couldn’t even articulate what this was..Devasted and packing up to leave the next week..just texts..when are you out..girlfriend a week after..It was so devasting..cried depressed lost 20 pounds…Oh the heart break never felt like this before because I felt i could trust him.. made me think it was all a lie from start.. I think that hurt the most..but now still bitter but with Natalie’s help moving on very positive … great tools and I know that he is probably giving this girl a run around as well…more power.. glad I’m working on me …so much stronger and I also realized I missed warning signs because I turned a blind eye..It was my fault as well..Thanks Natalie I’m never going to settle, and will live life to fullest with or without a relationship..
Hi Maria. What an awful thing to happen especially with the whole bridesmaid and his mum dropping hints situations. I don’t think it’s necessarily about it being a ‘lie’ per se, although sometimes it is, but people overstate what they can be and do and then panic. He wasn’t voicing his concerns although he did show some signs so he bailed. He probably hoped you’d take the hint and make his job easy for him. No doubt with a wedding and his mum talking up a storm, it was the straw that broke the donkey’s back as he was afraid of what he’d get committed to. Him bailing was his way of telling you his concerns which is very cruel. Bitter is part of the grieving process but don’t let this eat at you – you couldn’t live with or marry a man like this.
thanks Natalie …You do great things…YOU… my friends and especially my amazing family have gotten me through this…thanks for the reply..you made my night..many blessings
ps..you will never get closure or answers from these people don’t rack your brain..its exactly what Natalie said… they are afraid of confrontation..afraid of being reminded of how undeniable horrible and disrespectful they treated you. They can just forget they had any thing to do with you…they are sociopaths
Its my fervent belief that these guys are from another planet. I mean they have not a clue as to how to behave in a decent manner. Its one thing to end a relationship but to as many a post has indicated in such a cruel manner is beyond me. How do they sleep at night.
And yes this goes for the ladies that do it too.
My EU and I were together for one year and a half. He has just gone after a phone call he didnt like.
We had everything going for us, we were going to move in together to our new flat, we had plans of wonderful trips and actually did two of them.
In September we had a break up but he did come back in October, however little did I know that he had another woman on these months and was shagging her!!!! When he came back to me he did tell me about the woman, said it was nothing for him, but did not tell me about the sex part, if he had I would have dumped him then. We resumed our relationship and it was never the same. Last week we broke up for good, he disappeared on me like if I have never existed. Im also NC, so it is very very very painful but I do know he was not going to commit to me or I think to anyone else, he is the original Mr. Unavailable, including physically unavailable(no kisses, no hands).
Lygia, he’s a cold fish. A cheating one at that. You’re not down and out so there is no need to be loving and moving in with a man is an unavailable no hand holding no kissing cheating cold fish. Fling him back out to the sea.
By the way, Natalie, your graphics kill me every time. I bust a gut when I saw “the axe”!
Happy to amuse 😉
These posts hurt my heart. 🙁
Ah yes, but getting the poison out is essential for healing . Perhaps you can view it as sharing, learning, caring, and releasing in order to go forward. We are safe witnesses to each other’s pains and gains. Peace.
Yes, these posts hurt my heart too! 🙁 On one hand, I’m thankful for not having experienced anything of the kind, on the other hand, what can we do to help prevent possible negative mindsets? I’ve heard about stories like these in real life, and they gave me a slight tendency to say: “Oh, you can’t trust anyone anymore!”. I switch to positive thinking pretty fast, because I already hear enough women around me saying things like: “All men are bastards”, “All men hurt you in the end”, “All the good ones are taken”, “We should never expect anything from men – anything good that comes is a bonus”, etc. And I feel truly annoyed when I hear that stuff! Honestly! I know so many people who are in happy relationships or marriages! BUT, on the other hand, is there a way to stop experiencing that kind of drama, of him breaking-up with us in a crucial moment of the relationship? I’m talking about possible early signs of a problematic person/relationship. Your opinions?
Sandra
You can’t avoid someone breaking up with you if that’s what they want. Most relationships aren’t permanent. Even a relationship between two healthy-minded people can end.
The only way to guarantee it won’t happen is to avoid relationships altogether.
I agree. So much unnecessary pain.
“The disappearing itself IS the explanation – it says “You thought I was an honest and decent man, but really I am a coward with lots of issues, and like a child I’d rather run away than to deal with any problems in my life. I am sparing you this package of shame.” Pretty good explanation for me!”
Brilliantly put! You hit the nail on the head!
Nat, I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve been waiting for someone to explain what actually happened between my exAC and me. He was saying and doing what the though he should, “going through the motions” and in doing so — was “especially dishonest, deluded, scared and fickle”. It has now been 5 months since the break up and 4 months with NC (WHOO! Even though recently I’ve been tempted to call him to talk about what happened). Although the breakup was hurtful, it made me address other issues that I had so that I could love myself and start having a healthy relationship when I meet the right person. And I realized that trying to get closure from someone like that, would not help because they don’t even know themselves. You are right, they didn’t play decent and they didn’t play fair, I found out that he actually started pursuing other women saying that he’s been interested in them months back while we were together and I don’t want to get involved or end up with someone like that.
Thanks to all your posts, I am now much, much happier and healthier person. And scarily enough, I’m going out on a date tonight! Hahaha… to everyone out there who has experienced this. Know who you are and know that you are strong enough to deal with anything life throws at you. As long as you keep your integrity and persevere, I promise a much better life awaits! <3
My AC did this one too many times… he’d disappear when the going got rough, when he’ have to put up or shut up! He was famous for varying degrees of it after future faking and me calling him on it.
He did it one too many times, the last time hanging up on me not once but three times over a weeks’ time, trying to avoid dealing with me and questions I had about why he always put me second to anyone or anything. He had a history of avoiding my most oft justified emotions, as a way to control me, and raise his head days or weeks later when it was “safe”. The hang ups were humiliating for me, and cowardly, selfish and rude of him! This after a FOUR year relationship.
Nat, my girlfriends call the kind of man you’ve described a Conflict Avoider. You are sooo right to say they say and do things to impress and future fake, living out some destructive kind of fantasy, they when they have to put up, they tear the hearts out of people that love them. I just simply call them cowards.
It seems whenever I am going through something relating to the hurt I am experiencing, you are there with just the topic I am dealing with. Thank you.
This one is THE biggie, we had the most amazing time together on a Monday and Tuesday and 9 days and no problems in between, he said, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore”. PERIOD. I said “OK” and said goodbye. Unbelieveable. To me.
I have spent the last year, (it happened a year ago), wondering what happened. Of course my imagination goes all over the place. I know he is the capricious one, a narcissist supreme, (I have done tons of reading on the subject). Makes me sick to think all I gave to him. All of ME. He didn’t deserve me. There’s more, he tried to come back to me, but it was all on his terms, so we never did see each other again. I am glad I held out for that at least, because he probably would of come back, I would be all over myself in love again (still) and then 2 or 3 months down the road he would of done the same thing to me again. I am sure of it.
It is very painful dealing with this.
I don’t really know what the story line is yet. I do know I didn’t do anything “wrong”. And he is a merciless fraud.
PS We were together 2years and 3 months. J.
It is difficult for most women to really understand that immature men, while looking the part of a mature adult male, simply cannot think, feel nor behave as an emotionally mature woman, no matter if she is ten years old or 110 years old. Many men do not have the capacity to reason intelligently regarding relationships, romantic and platonic, nor the insight into themselves like we
do. Nature and nurture are the reasons we have such chaos with these men. As a psychiatric registered nurse and a woman who divorced two emotionally immature men my own insight has significantly broadened! Wow! I will not tolerate any immature behavior from men ever again. I will remain happily single if I do not come across an emotionally mature guy who wants what I want…a mutually respectful, loving, monogomous, fun and drama-free relationship!
At least you can begin to get back on with your life when they dump you and disappear, even though it hurts.
The bastards that dump you then keep creeping around you expecting shag/friendship/shoulder/whatever knowing you want more make me want to vomit.
If you want to dump me, then do it and go away, trust me sooner or later I will get over it. Just don’t pee on my letterbox anymore 🙂
Exactly! Worth getting an electric fence around the letter box and yourself.
My story is a happy ending so far, and exactly the opposite of the pattern thus far in this BR article thread. I met my bf on Match, we fell for each other very fast and broke every dating rule by being chemistry-driven. We saw each other weekly for three months- which was hard to arrange given that we both have jobs and kids (we’re both in our fifties and divorced) and he travels a great deal for work.
I told him, on impulse after three months, that I was falling in love with him. He told me I was moving too fast for him, and was much more into this than him. He then broke up with me.
Almost exactly six months later, he emailed me and asked to see me again. He had been seriously injured two months after he broke up w me, and was finally better. This was four months ago. We’ve been seeing each other once or twice a week since then. This man would rather have his fingernails pulled out with pliers than talk about his feelings. However, he treats me very, very warmly and I am very happy.
Once I heard about someone who ended a 10 years’ relationship a few weeks before they were due to get married. One day the guy went to visit his parents for the week-end, and he told his girlfriend: “When I come back, I don’t want to find you here anymore”. They were living together. Now, I don’t know these people personally, they were friends of a friend of mine. But I wonder… how could someone waste 10 years of someone else’s life??? And I wonder if in these situations of long term relationships moving towards marriage, have there not been any red flags showing up at all? Never, ever? Thank God, I’ve never been in a situation of this kind, and I wish everyone who has to be strong and to come around again soon. And as far as “being dignified with an explanation” is concerned, I was outraged that my EUM didn’t do it after one month of “relationship”, and, further on, after now 10 months of knowing each other, but knowing that there are people who don’t do it after years of apparently serious relationship… that is worrying! Well, I believe that in this case I should be grateful for having found out sooner rather than later who I’m dealing with! 🙁
Thank you for writing about this. I was in a brief (4-5 months) budding friendship with someone who, though there were many things that made a serious relationship seem highly unlikely, was someone I cared about very much. He first pursued me and though I was cautious, he gradually won me over big time. He was remarkably sensitive, thoughtful, considerate, generous–consistently so. Finally, I let my guard down more than I expected to, and right after that, he started to distance himself from me. He ignored phone calls, then left me a message that he missed talking to me (huh?!); when I left for vacation, he emailed that it was “well deserved” and said he wanted to hear about it when I got back–but then he wasn’t very responsive when I called him after I returned. I kept making excuses for his dramatic change in behavior. I embarrassed myself by giving him the benefit of the doubt (more than once) and only felt like a damned fool after I did it. Finally I just stopped. Two years (!!) later, I STILL think about it all–what happened?? Why did he not even give me the courtesy and respect of an explanation? He was the last person I ever would have expected to behave like that. I think you hit the nail on the head: it was too uncomfortable for him to admit the truth. Instead, I think he hoped I’d take the hint and leave quietly. When I didn’t he slammed the door in my face. I am better off being free of him, but still…it hurts. As someone who has a hard time trusting anyway, this has added a couple more thick layers to the wall. How to break it down?
Melinda
After two years, the chance of getting an explanation from him is precisely zero. That ship has sailed. It was probably never in the harbour.
I speak as someone who burned up three + years agonising over a barely-relationship that lasted less than a year. So please believe me when I tell you that seeking an explanation is a waste of your precious time and emotion. It’s also extremely damaging to what’s left of your self-esteem. Constantly focusing on why someone rejected you isn’t very life affirming.
What you need isn’t an explanation, it’s the ability to say to yourself and believe “He doesn’t deserve me, I’m terrific! My life is going to be full of good things, I’m gonna make it happen”. Rather than “Why did this person reject me two years ago? I’m gonna figure it out if it kills me”. It feels like that they have the answer but they really don’t. And even if he did come back with an honest explanation you’d probably still be disappointed.
Trust yourself first. In your ability to make good decisions, to deal with crises, to heal. To be happy.
Totally agree! I speak to my ex EUM from time to time when we see each other on a night out, because i feel absolutely nothing for him anymore. I did get an explanation, without asking for one, because he said “I have nothing to offer anyone” and “I have issues with commitment”. Not satisfying in the least, but because i couldn’t give two hoots what is going on with him anymore, it didn’t affect me one way or another. Just confirmed that he is a numpty who never deserved me and that’s all there is to it! 🙂
Minky,
Too bad he didn’t tell you this in the beginning!
Thank you, Grace. You are absolutely right in your assessment, I’m certain. This man is someone who works in the office in the next room from me soand there is always the possibility of running into him (I believe we both go to great lengths to avoid this, but it has happened occasionally). It would make it easier to “move on” if I weren’t in this situation, but I am and it’s not going to change anytime soon. His explanation at the time for distancing himself was that he was (1) depressed and (2) insecure (who isn’t, to some degree?). I do not trust him now, so any explanation is nothing more more than a self-serving excuse at this point. The hardest thing for me is regaining my self-respect and self-confidence. It’s a little scary to feel that I have reacted this way to a relatively short-term relationship!
Melinda
Don’t bother. If the fool is cold, cruel and lacks remorse he may well do more damage if you meet up. I’ve always believed the punishment fits the crime, so I tortured myself when the artist formerly known as a partner disappeared on me by removing his belongings from my apartment and sending me a break-up email at 11pm. I cried for ages and after running into him in the carpark at my place of work some two months after I ran into him in the lobby of my apartment building…hmm (and the liar nicknamed me bunny boiler, yet I was the one who didn’t go near him or contact him – 2 days after he walked out I was NC because I’m too damn proud to chase someone who doesn’t want me) we agreed to meet up so I could get closure.
I came wanting to know what it was that I had said, how I had acted, how I had behaved that would make him think that it was ok to end a relationship with me by running away and devaluing me in a letter. I must have been terrible partner because who just disappears on someone without attempting a calm adult discussion.
Anyway, after I listened to him talk about himself for one hour and before I could ask questions nicely, he spent 30 minutes putting me down by way of a backhanded apology (I bit my tongue) and at the end of his destructive diatribe looked me up and down and said “…also because I’m not attracted to you.” WTF. Congratulations jag off, that’s not my hook and thanks for the heads up about what you value the most – the superficial and shallow. I’ve spent most of my life trying to get people to look beyond my external packaging (I’m a slim, 6ft blonde blah blah blah).
So Melinda, after assessing the relationship with fresh eyes over the past few months, I don’t have the burning desire to have my questions answered anymore because I don’t respect the person and I don’t believe one single word that comes out of his mouth.
He lies about small insignificant things like being at work when he’s not and denying he had a blackberry when he had one to really big whoppers about family members being dead, finances, former affairs, and property he probably never owned. Why did I believe him when he talked about marriage with me on more than one…
buffy
is this fake dead uncle guy?
Buffy (love the name, btw) and Grace, My ex-AC was a fake dead uncle guy too!! Ohmygod, there is nothing funny about the jackass-ness of these men, but good Lord that cracked me up.
OMG, Buffy. This guy sounds like a train wreck personified. My situation was much “kinder and gentler” than what you experienced. It must have been equal parts painful and infuriating to realize that this jerk wasted your time for his own selfish needs. In my situation, I honestly don’t think he is a bad guy. He’s been through a lot in the past year (as have I). Still, there was certainly a more mature, considerate way he could have handled things. But as Grace said, thinking about this will only keep me running in circles; there will never be the closure I would like. I need to move on.
I love it when these posts percolate and I learn something new that is related but I couldn’t have made the connection before.
Above I told my story of spending five years waffling with someone and then bailing harshly to make sure the end was permanent. I’m now doing the same thing with my career: I’m at the four year mark in a degree program and have felt conflicted the WHOLE time. It’s coming to the point where I have to look for jobs, which to me feels like ‘marrying’ the profession. I have deep reservations about this. I worry out loud about staying in a job I don’t love; in the meantime I tell prospective employers how keen I am to join their departments for the long-term. I am applying for positions in this field while taking meetings with professionals from an entirely new one, wondering what it would be like to abandon this field and never look back.
This morning I felt so down and defeated about ever learning to love. I curled up in bed and almost did what I have always done in my head since I was a child, which is: pretend someone who loved me was there and calming me down, saying I am loveable, I will find love, I am smart and beautiful, etc. It has never occurred to me to stop and look at what emotion was pushing me to fantasize about the arms of a caring man.
I thought it was fear. I thought it was loneliness. My whole life I’ve gone so quickly into that fantasy that until today I never slowed down, stayed present, and realized that what sends me into panic is SELF-DOUBT.
I doubt myself. I doubt if I am loveable. But maybe I am not the problem? Maybe I am fine. Then I doubt my own judgment. Maybe I can’t commit? Maybe I am the problem. Other people have opinions. I doubt those. I choose an opinion. I doubt my own opinion. How are others so confident? I doubt I will ever be that way.
My god: it is suddenly crystal clear how dangerous it is for long-term plans when doubt sends me into the foetal position. How dangerous, for both parties in love, if my main drive toward a man’s arms is my inability to carry my own doubt and work through it.
Magnolia,
Your post really spoke to me as I have quietly suspected that I might be commitment-phobic for years now. And I have waffled, just as you say you have. But, reading your post it is SO significant that you are seeing this in a clear light now. When you are suddenly made aware of your patterns and tendencies and can connect the dots, it’s really powerful.
I realized (after reading this site) that I have poor boundaries and very little self worth. I have been holding on at a company that pays people ten years younger than me 30k more a year and have somehow believed maybe it’s not worth it. It’s not just the money per se, but it’s how my company management views me. To them I am someone who will accept shitty treatment and continue to be used and get very little in return. The same dynamic in romantic relationships lo and behold.
Nat, I know I am off-topic and I apologize. I just identified with Magnolia so much. And I hope you will let me post this. I have to also tell all the amazing ladies on this site (and some wonderful men, too I see) that I am now 6 weeks NC with my EUM. Your site has taught me so much about ME. Even my friends are seeing a difference in me and I am directing them to BR. I am not ‘that woman’ anymore and I can’t go back, I’m past the point of no return 🙂
Magnolia, great to hear you had all those insights!
Actually, I think it’s wrong to threat a job the same way as a romantic relationship. I made the same mistake for several years, only to find out I wasn’t getting the kind of validation I wanted, was being taken advantage of (to some extent) and felt betrayed.
During the recent weeks, I sometimes felt compelled to leave immediately, but I decided against it. Those were my reasons: First of all, it’s only a job, and as such, it does what it’s supposed to do. I get a decent salary (although some people with similar qualifications get more), I (often, not always) enjoy my work, some of my colleagues are nice (while some others are nasty), and this employment is going to look nice in my CV whenever I want a change.
For now, this is all I’m asking for. However, I try to stop feeling as if I’m being “married” to that employer. I’ll try to set firm boundaries whenever I can. And if I feel like there is a better job or an exciting new opportunity out there, I’m going to LEAVE. Maybe this will happen once I’m further into my therapy/recovery process. In this case, it won’t be a divorce or a breakup. It will be just a business transaction.
And I hope I’ll never again expect a job to fill a huge gap in my life (other than a possible gap in my wallet). I think this is another case were we need to find validation in ourselves instead of seeking it from others.
Your (or yours, Jo) situation might be different. Maybe you need to change something immediately in order to get better. Actually, I changed something too. I’m now talking about my job situation after this change.
Magnolia, I identify with your self-doubt and the fetal position. I haven’t experienced the despair and anquish articulated in this thread by so many comments regarding being chopped within a relationship. By the time my former have relationships ended I’ve expressed my unhappiness and misgivings so many times by the time it ends, we can just say “Unappy #1 conversation” etc. I have a long rope and a very high tolerance for pain due to childhood things. My rope has shortened lately and I now feel pain. My big chop occured in October when I did not get selected for the job I had been working for for five years. My job insanity ended. I was sent to pasture, despite my former “importance”. 60 days later, my relationship insanity ended, despite the fact we were “soul mates”. I think maybe the only one there for us may be us. We are loveable. You are fine and loveable. We are working through our issues.
Thanks Jo, EllyB and runner! For me this thread and post have really made me look at what I’m trying to “guarantee” in life. I long to be able to love unconditionally, but that’s not the same thing as being able to abandon all judgment. Maybe, like Daniel’s ex, I’m wishing for a heaven where I’m relieved of all decision making and pain. Finding love is never going to do that. Bummer! Good to finally accept or else I’d be forever half-believing more dudes who promised they could and bailing when their humanness (and actual um, problem, in thinking they could) surfaced. 🙂
They’ve got all switchy on you because they’re very afraid of commitment and/or they want out but don’t know how to handle these situations with integrity. The pressure and the fear mounts and they panic or they’re the type that doesn’t voice concerns and problems, or solves their problems by lining up a new partner, which then creates the urgency to get shot of you.
Natalie – flippin heck Nat you have done it again!
You have got it in a nutshell about how my romance ended. Having been in the relationship for 3 years and sharing so many things together, him calling me ‘my girl’ and putting me on a pedestal like a princess, came the day we had a lovely time together just before Christmas 2009, he totally disappeared on me. There was no warning, he just went back to his home, me to mine and whoosh no contact for 10 days! Oh yes, i tried to get to him via telephone both at his home and on mobile and nothing doing. In desperation because i thought he must surely be ill, i contacted a family member who said they had seen him and he was fine.
I eventually got a txt message to say he thought he could never be the man i wanted him to be. wtf after 3 years he comes up with that lame excuse, and after he had done all the running after me etc. I truly thought he had suffered some sort of mental breakdown, i could not believe that we had sung carols together, made plans for the festive season etc and then he had totally disappeared without a by my leave!
He eventually returned to me Christmas Eve with what i now know to have been a ‘guilty’ look on his face which, of course, i ignored as i was so pleased to have him back once more and thought everything was hunky dory as before. Not so, from that day onward even though we appeared to get back as we once were, he became secretive, took phone calls in my loo, kept the mobile on silent and wasn’t always where he said he would be. With hindsight (a wonderful thing) i should have suspected the eventual reason for all this sneaking around which was he had replaced me with a work colleague but had conveniently forgot to tell me, thinking he could have both by all accounts. He had managed to keep her secret for over a year! Obviously because he did…
About 4 years ago I bailed on a guy at the last minute, I didn’t leave him at the altar or anything, we were both supposed to fly to see my parents. He was meeting them for the first time. Quick rewind, this man pursued me relentlessly after I had just come out of a relationship with an AC. He would not take NO for an answer. We were both on assignment in a different city from where we lived respectively and he would actually come knocking on my hotel room door. I finally gave in and gave him a chance because up until then I never knew what it was like to be pursued that way…it had to count for something right? I was so used to looking for love with EUMS and ACs, and truthfully I was not attracted to this man physically, did not find him to be particularly interesting. I am not sure how I let the relationship to progress to that point where I thought he should meet my parents. Very FEW men had met my parents, as my parents are very conservative and would automatically think the man they meet would be ‘the one”, the one I marry.
The night before he was to fly out, I called him and not only cancelled the trip but I broke up with him too. I guess it hit me that we were going to go ahead with a very important milestone and this forced me to face what I knew all along deep down inside. That I did not love him and could not see a life with him. He was not an AC or EUM but he had many issues. He was 3 times divorced and an alcoholic. Not that it means he deserved to be hurt by me. Unfortunately, since we didnt live in the same city, I had to do it by phone. But I told him the truth and I even offered to pay for his ticket as he could not get a refund at the time.
I understand what it feels like when you reach that moment where it hits you that you are about to commit yourself to something and you know you just can’t do it. I would never excuse behavior that is so thoughtless and cowardly as just taking off or completely shutting someone out. I just know that feeling of anxiety and (at least for me) the guilt that goes with it. See, this wasn’t abrupt for me, as I knew in my heart all along, but to him it must have seemed it, as it did come out of nowhere. I had told him that I loved him…and I didn’t,…
I have to amend 2 of my own comments above:
“I guess it hit me that we were going to go ahead with a very important milestone and this forced me to face what I knew all along deep down inside.”
I said earlier on that I wasn’t attracted, or found him interesting, so the ‘deep down inside’ refers to the time in between when i met him and when i broke up with him, it was six months but in that time I convinced myself that I “should” have feelings for him because he was so into me and so consistent. I lived that charade for six months. So, I did bury the initial doubts and turnoffs deep down.
“But I told him the truth and I even offered to pay for his ticket as he could not get a refund at the time.”
I only told him part of the truth.
My narcissist ex did this to me and broke up with me all of sudden after I moved to another country to be with him… gezz, that was devastating. It has taken me almost 3 years to leave all the behind. In a crazy way, the whole experience was worth it – it forced me to finally take a good look at myself and sort all my crap out. I think the most difficult part of moving on in such situations is that we are robbed not only of the future together, of the potential, of the illusions… but also we are robbed of our past together, of the happy memories, etc. as when someone goes Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde on you, or even worse, you discover the he behaved like that because he’s a narcissist, you realise that if you were with a ‘fake’ person then all that you lived was ‘fake’ as well — this has been the most devastating thing I have ever experienced. The only thing that has allowed me to move on is to do a lot of forgiving (not only to him but to all previous assclowns, to my parents, and to myself) and acknowledge that at least MY feelings were real, even if they were given to a ‘fake’ person, and that MY love, even if it was a broken love, was real – otherwise is like invalidating the whole experience, and that makes it really, really difficult to move on. Is taken me this long, but now that the anger is gone I am able to acknowledge the good moments, the good things I got out of the relationship (even if they were just ‘consequences’ as moving to a new country, or finally work on msyelf, for example, and not necessarily something that the narcissist ‘gave’ me). Thanks Natalie.
Good words Elle and healing…remembering that what I felt was real,that the capacity to love was real, even if it was thrown away on a ‘relationship sabatoeur’. I couldn’t have predicted such sabotage happening(I’ve beaten myself up about that recently). If the relationship gelled, went well,then inevitably there would be dismantling on his part. Nothing, nothing I did could have stopped him in his tracks… He spoke words of love, he feared…he sabotaged. I was pretty much just a conduit of that, as other women had been in the past… I’m just appreciating the peace in my life at the moment.
Elle, the part of your previous post that I was quoting didn’t get in m yprevious post. I hope it doesn’t get deleted this time:
“I think the most difficult part of moving on in such situations is that we are robbed not only of the future together, of the potential, of the illusions… but also we are robbed of our past together, of the happy memories, etc. as when someone goes Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde on you, or even worse, you discover the he behaved like that because he’s a narcissist, you realise that if you were with a ‘fake’ person then all that you lived was ‘fake’ as well — this has been the most devastating thing I have ever experienced.”
I feel exactly the same way. Did I know this person? Was it all an ilusion? I have analyzed this thing to death. I think about the good times and how he ruined everything that was great about our relationship. Is he wasting a second analyzing it? All he had to do was be honest and have the face to face I deserved if he was having problems. To run like a coward and hide and send me a stupid email about how he all he wanted to do was work. I do know it had nothing to do with me. But even so it hurts so bad. I love him but how can you ever trust a man who did this to you so callously and without a thought about what you were going through. I can’t get past it. I also can’t get past how he can think we can hit the reset button without talking about what happened. He never really gave me a good explanation. Basically pleaded temporary insanity. All he can say is how much he loves me and always will. Well he can go on loving me as far as I am concerned. There is no trust left!!!
Despite my history of EUMS. I think I’m one of the lucky ones in that my last EUM- 5 yrs after he disappeared after a great V-Day together (yes Nat, they do seem to just disappear after holidays don’t they?)- actually explained why he did it.
Major committphobe, barely able to express himself emotionally, short tempered (more with others than me), distant, prone to managing down my expections etc…classic EUM. It turns out that a few yrs ago, having finally gone to a shrink for OCD issues, he was diagnosed with having reduced/shrunken pre frontal lobes. He had been a breach birth, deprived of oxygen, and that fact resulted in the abnormally shrunken cortex which – according to the neurologist- accounted for his OCD, emotional distance and anger issues. Yes, I thought this was a joke. But I did some research and it’s true- there can be a physiological reason for someone being an a-hole! More than that, the therapy made him see how his actions- biologically induced and otherwise- made him EUM and how his actions had isolated friends, family and in particular me, who had been his only long term girlfriend. So for 2 yrs now we have kept up a long distance friendship- he is now the man I would have wanted him to be (but maybe ironically wouldn’t have appreciated as I was prob EUM myself)when we were together. And…can you guess it?…he wants another go with me, and is going about getting to know me again slowly and steadily. He’s now the best (ex) boyfriend I’ve ever had! Again ironically, as great as he now is, I don’t want to go there with him and I’ve told him so. I think of him as “the boy who cried relationship”- as much as I know he means it this time, it’s just too late. I’ve done too much work on myself and going back with him- even if he has changed- would be like taking a step back.
So, I got my explanation; I even got my changed man. I’ve forgiven him, gotten the closure that we all wish for , and moved on, (even as he has not).
Meagan,
I love your quote, “The boy who cried relationship.” That sums it up neatly.
This just makes me feel sad and make me realise what an idiot I’ve been. Thankfully I’ve forgiven my part in all of it but:
I sometimes wonder why I put up with an ex husband and ex mm that were so unavailable. The ex mm was worse than my ex husband. I think of him now and he makes me feel sick. I’m six months NC with MM now. He’s totally gone. He used to do that disappearing act before, too:
“People that break up by abruptly and rather aggressively cutting you off with little or no explanation and pretty much act like you never existed, have to do so to avoid any responsibility for the consequences of their actions and their impact on you so they can press The Reset Button.”
Maybe I need to go running, or cycling, or take more photos or something because I am finding it really difficult getting over the injustice of a human being treating me in this manner and getting away with it.
I wonder if there is any bloody justice left.
I truly believe that what comes around goes around..I often hope my ex bum hole gets mowed down by a bus..bitter party of one..but go out run ..photos..classes..reconnect with friends one day you will wake up and realize, as I have, that your amazing ! Hopefully you have learned lessons that prevent this from happening..
Good god, spot on Nat.
And what a hole it leaves, i was so confused and spent so much time trying to work out what happened and course i ended up blaming myself. Luckily something very small inside me new that it wasn’t all me and i managed to slowly, painfully start to sift through all the wreckage and work out what was really mine and what was really his stuff. Even though having to work with my X made it that much more painful and not to mention public. It gave me a chance to view from a far that all the cr@p i endured and the way he acted, well he acted that way with or without me. When he finally dropped his act all together i was able to see that if he had been himself i would never had dated him, in fact i would not have even been his friend. Painful but also helpful in moving on and never even considering going back. I don’t envy his next partner in the slightest or any after that.
This person went from creating a 5 year plan, saving to move out with me, talking marriage, being involved in all family outings, trips, buying stuff for our place to its over. With out any real logical explanation except for projecting what he was onto me and by playing the victim at work because i would not speak to him, he then used that to make me look like the immature bad guy. Apparently this guys control issues meant i was also not aloud t move on or had to do it on his terms. However once he really screwed me over i had no intention of doing anything with his feelings in mind only mine, finally. he then expected us to be friends and that i pretty much never bring up our past again. What a joke, in fact i think its really creepy. When he took his family away because again i wouldnt do things on his terms, i was devastated all over again. Again with enough time passed i realised his family were just as nutty and not healthy to be around. So this fool kept trying to hurt me but actually did me favor after favor. Each time he hurt me it sucked and was painful but each time also gave the the opportunity to see the real him which was far removed from who he pretended to be. Painful but nesassary for me to see.
Nat you explained everything i felt and what i thought were his issues in a nutshell and it confirmed again i…
Trinity, I totally agree that it’s REALLY creepy when they pull the old friend card after they’ve acted in a manner that begs the question, “Why, in the name of all that is sacred would I want to be your friend?!” As Natalie has said in previous posts, it can be a combo of “Please be my friend so I don’t have to own up to being the jerk that you, me and the mailman know me to be”/”Please be my friend in case I need to slink around when I need something from you, I won’t have to go through the rigamarole of starting from scratch”/”Please be my friend so I don’t have to talk about this anymore”. It’s just so….gross.
Love is a word a lot of people seem to bandy about and say to others when they have no intention of loving them, perhaps they really do not know what the word ‘love’ means themselves. Such a shame that it should be devalued because when it is meant it is one of the most wonderful words to have said to you……….
I think I’m in some trouble on this one. While I’ve never just gotten up and gone without an explanation like that, I fear that I may be about to do exactly that. But it’s odd, seeing as we’re actually not dating at the moment…
I’ll sound like a coward here, but I’ll go ahead and ask anyway. What if just vanishing eventually becomes a necessary evil?
My ex and I have been chatting recently, and I had agreed to be friends and try again later when we were in the same area. But as we talk, I’m beginning to feel like I’m being manipulated back into a relationship, and whenever I say I feel uncomfortable with something (for example, pet names) it leads into a huge argument and afterwards he just gets his way anyway. It’s what broke us up the first time–he’d done this same thing with my sexual boundaries, and the topic of unprotected sex. Anyhow, I’ve been trying to put a bright face on things and just keep going, but after the last big argument, I don’t have the energy for it anymore, and I’m tempted to just drop it and walk away, although I know its not the right thing to do.
Cutting him off abruptly like that is pretty low, especially when he’s overseas right now. But guilt tripping, lack of respect for my boundaries, manipulation and gaslighting are the biggest reasons I’m keeping my distance from him, and I don’t want to get tangled into another mess. He’s sweet as pie right now, but I no longer trust him. Is there ever a situation where just dropping everything and moving on is the best way to go?
Suzie
Yes. Cut him off. It’s nothing like the situations Nat’s describing. Firstly and lastly, you’re not in a relationship. If you feel it would be easier for the both of you to give an explanation, email him – “Sorry, we tried but I can’t be friends with you, it’s too difficult for me. I want a clean break. All the best”. Then ignore, ignore, ignore.
Yup, cut him off. Possibly. send a message, then he won’t bombard you with e-mails and phone calls.
I am especially concerned about the breaking of sexual boundaries.
Why did you want to give him another chance?
Glad your heading the warning signs!
nice response and it gets the job done.
I can see it’s not clear whom I was responding to: I like Grace’s response…it’s to the point and let’s the other party know you have disconnected.
“It’s what broke us up the first time–he’d done this same thing with my sexual boundaries, and the topic of unprotected sex.”
This sounds like a case of remaining friends with an ex who behaved poorly, who didn’t treat you with respect while you were dating. Not at all the same thing as abruptly cutting off someone you ARE dating, who thinks everything is moving forward, which this post is about.
I agree with the voices that say go NC with this person. You can be polite and speak one last time, the next time he gets in touch, to say you’ve been thinking about it and prefer not to be in touch anymore, if you need to do that. But otherwise, don’t talk to this person anymore.
Hi Suzie Q.
No what you are doing is No Contact, which is what this site is all about. He is driving you away and proving he’s not worth having as a friend. If things were going great between you and you did a runner, then that would be wrong. You must do what is right for you. Good luck.
I’ve once had an one-night-stand with a married man twice my age, who had pursued me for two whole years, always treating me like a child (even in public). When I had sex with him, at first I felt like being “a good girl, because I owed daddy sex and finally gave it to him”. Frankly, I’m now convinced I’ve re-enacted some of the worst parts of my childhood there.
Anyway, I’m mentioning this here, because I “broke up” with him after this one incident which had creeped me out. In a brief message, I told him our “relationship” was wrong because he was married and because of the age difference. However, he managed to make me feel guilty for the “sudden breakup” for quite a while. I felt as if I was “mistreating daddy”.
And yes, this is completely different from what Natalie means by “breaking up and vanish”. It’s just one of the ways abusive people can completely confuse us, until we learn to acknowledge how they manipulate us.
Frankly, your case, Suzie, sounds a little bit similar (although probably not as bad).
Thanks you guys 🙂 I’ve been totally beating myself up with guilt about it. I guess you could say it speaks volumes about the type of relationship I was in, if I can’t make a healthy decision without feeling guilty for it. But it’s on me, too. I need to take control of my own life, and quit handing the reigns (and responsibility) over to other people.
We broke up the 1st time for a list of reasons (mainly the sexual stuff and because he’d promised me the moon and the stars when he was away, but treated me like crap when he got home). After all the arguing, in the end, I ended up apologizing for “putting him through that” and asking to get back together when really, it was his bad behavior that led up to that in the first place. He blames me for that whole thing and takes 0 responsibility.
The 2nd time, it was his idea, things were rocky, maybe it’s better this way, it’ll be mutual, all that jazz (but left it up to me to pull the plug, which I did) and then within a week it was “how could you do this to me, you’re so horrible, etc. etc.” It wasn’t until months afterward when I still hadn’t given in that he finally said he was wrong. As for why things were rocky, see “Future Faking,” “Fast Forwarding,” “Reset Button,” And an article near this one about telling porkies and saying “and I can prove it, ask anybody!”
The original agreement was that we’d both be gone from home for a while, so the LDR thing wouldn’t work. But if after whatever time passed, we ran into each other, and were both available, we’d give it another go. We agreed to stay in contact. But while we’re in contact, he’s pushing for more than I’m willing to give. And if I feel uncomfortable and say so, it turns into an argument about how he should be able to say what he wants and is tired of meeting me halfway, I end up feeling guilty, and he ends up getting his way anyway. It concerns me because of the lack of respect for my boundaries, regardless of how I may feel about it. Makes me feel unsafe. Also, after this discussion/argument and him pushing his agenda inch by inch, a few months later, he’ll ask again “where do we stand, because you can’t keep dragging me along like this.” So I ended up…
I have read each of these comments, because I am still struggling. Long story short, we planned to be married-we lived in different states. (Yes we knew each other in person-we did not meet online.) I was going to sell my house and move to where he lived because I had the more portable profession. One day we are emailing plans of what to do in the upcoming months, and then, nothing. He did not answer the phone, did not respond to text messages, finally gave an excuse about troubles at work. (And I am sitting there worrying about his work problems.) I knew something was wrong (my inner voice) but no, I had no idea that I would eventually get an email saying that because we had different political views (which neither of us kept secret) that we were not a good match, and he could not marry someone like me. This has been almost 2 years ago, and I have not been able to get past this. At the time, I remember thinking who does this, and now I know. Strangely enough, it is somewhat comforting to find out that I was not the only one treated in this manner. I read the comments from those that said they were the ones that had done the leaving by abruptly cutting off communication with the other party, and never ceases to amaze me that people think this is acceptable. And yeah, they do think it is acceptable, otherwise they wouldn’t have done it.
I think Elle put it best, “But I think the core issue is robbing someone of their dignity. It’s dignity-robbing when you know in your heart that you’re not being open to the other person and to seeing if a relationship can grow, and you’re still taking their time, affection, and attention, and influencing their future plans and sense of themselves. … Yes, we have to look after ourselves, but we also have a duty to help other people maintain their dignity and freedom of choice. We have no right to defraud people. If we’re scared of relationships, and we know our intent is dubious, we should stay out of them!”
At this point for me, it is not enough for me to hear that I will be better off without him, all guys are not like that, you will appreciate this in the future, etc. I don’t feel better now, I feel just as bad as I did when I got that crazy…
Penny
He did you a favour. My ex pulled this trick on me. After I’d handed in my notice on my flat and job, he changed his mind about me coming over. I said it was too late and went anyway. He proceeded to persecute me for weeks/months/years – verbally, emotionally and physically.
If someone doesn’t want a relationship with you , let the bastard go. If they can’t see how greatI am, I’m no longer going to stick around trying to convince him otherwise. I don’t him to work at wanting to be with me. He can just clear off!
Forget him now, he’s not the judge and jury of your worth as a person.
Penny, I think Grace is right. He did you both a favor. It will leave you free to find the right relationship for you and the other party which you will eventually likely meet up with. It is best that you found out before marrying him. Believe it. The death of your dreams with this man is hard. Each situation is different. Sometimes we cut things off because we fear we will return to a dynamic that simply doesn’t work because we do feel a tie with the other party even though we know it’s unhealthy for us. He let know it wouldn’t work. It was all he could do at that time. It’s no reflection on you except that you were involved. As Natalie said, breaking up isn’t a democratic decision. So sorry.
Well, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your pain. In fact, I think it is necessary for recovery. If somebody played with your feelings and betrayed you, it hurts, even if the guy wasn’t worth it at all and you are better off with him. Personally, I think I gained more self-respect by acknowledging my pain. In the past, I used to obsess so much over my possible “shortcomings” that I didn’t notice how hurt I felt.
However, and I think this is what Grace and Leisha are talking about, thinking about “what could have been” or what you “could have done different” is wrong and doesn’t help.
I know all this logically, but mentally not so much. Yeah, I could have sold my house, moved across the country to where I did not know anyone, and been tied to this clown legally, and financially, in addition to emotionally. I got the same game that many of the other ladies here got, a denial that the relationship ever existed (is this an attempt to make you think you are crazy?) and some friendship BS in the email. Romantically involved or not, friendship has rules. If you violate them, you can’t be my friend.
I have not heard from this person since the email saying we weren’t a good match, except for one phone call. I think he wrote a letter, and when it was returned by the post office, he made a call. (I moved out of state a few months after the break up-out of the blue, I got a wonderful job offer, so I relocated. To my knowledge, he does not know where I am. A close friend says that eventually he will reach out and either act like nothing ever happened or want to restart the relationship. I don’t think so-I think he will never be able to face me, and deep down, I don’t think there is any remorse, regret, shame or embarrassment that one human could treat another so disrespectfully.
I can believe there aren’t clues to these men’s personalities already while the “relationship” is in real time. I think it’s rare that these axed break-ups come out of the blue while at the same time the guy up to that point was a high communicator, open about dealing with conflicts and concerns in the relationship and overall acting with integrity. If that’s the case, these guys deserve Oscars for their performances, but I’m just not buying it.
I’ve never been on the receiving end of this specific kind of break-up but I’m guessing because it’s such a “blind side” for the woman that there were other clues in the relationship of noncommittal behavior that were being ignored.
I have to agree. My ex was throwing off red flags from the moment I met him, and I chose to ignore them. Not to mention he’d disappeared twice before -once briefly, and once after saying he no longer loved me he moved to another state. For a year. You think I would’ve have a clue…we belive there are no signs, but when you rehash the relationship, there they are (even if he never pulled such a blatent disappearing act before)…
Eve,
You’re right! Unfortunately, it doesn’t help with the pain that follows.
These people are cruel and cowards!
Eve – I think women with fairly healthy-to-heathly senses of self only need one relationship of this sort to learn the lessons. As one of these women, I assure you all the signs were there in hindsight, but the confounding factors – the reason you stay in there – is because (due to their controlling nature) the axe-wielder does and says just enough to make you believe in the relationship (in fact, they often talk a big game), they’re often A-grade emotional manipulators who can make, even a pretty sane gal, start questioning her judgments, they’re very used to making people buy into a certain version of themselves (based on pity), and, most importantly, as you’ve never known anyone before to behave like this, you take a lot of their words at face value and assume – wrongly – that because you’re a person of integrity, they are too. Add a bit of a ‘must love someone even if tough times’ ethos and you can probably see how it gets to the point that an ass-chop seems out of the blue. It’s not, but the human mind does not operate in present time like a detective. It links information to previous patterns. It’s only now that I have my ‘assclown and other dubious behaviour’ schema to which I can judge the behaviour. But, yes, NOW, it all seems so obvious and almost inevitable.
(In other news, broke things off with new-lovely-man, but for very good reasons. Hurts a bit, but since it makes sense, and was calmly and bravely dealt with on both sides, it’s more of a ‘thems the breaks’ situation!) (Also- there are two Elle’s going round! ; ))
Just wanted to add that ‘person of integrity’ might be a bit too high-and-mighty. I have done crap things to people I love, but what is tough about relationships with merciless choppers is that they do not have that ability to live with themselves doing the crap thing. This is one of the main messages of NML’s post, I think: the people who are able to build relationships, but may just not be compatible with us (for fair reasons) are OK with themselves not being perfect (ie delivering on a relationship), and can sit with those contradictions, and keep it in the ‘thems the breaks’ box, as I said. Whereas, ACs and EUPs, I believe, tend to find inner and outer contradiction just too awful to live with, and so they have to villainise, chop, storm off, never speak again etc.
That’d be 🙂 sorry for the confusion. I posted a few comments as ‘Elle’ ages ago and then took a break from the site, so didn’t see you were posting under that name too. I will sign as Elle2 from now on 🙂
I don’t mind! It’s not like we aren’t all swimming in the same lane here! No worries.
Agreed. There are clues and signs in retrospect, but they say and do other things in the relationship that convince you that they are just as committed and invested as you are.
My ex made a couple of weird comments/gestures in the month before she dumped me that looking back I can see as evidence that she was getting ready to flee, but it was balanced out by other words and gestures that indicated she wanted the same things as me. I don’t think I could reasonably have anticipated what was about to happen.
The clues are always there in hindsight, but it’s really hard to see them because they occur alongside other acts of love and affection that you are used to receiving from your partner.
I think the bottom line is that while we always have the right to leave a relationship if we feel that is in our best interests, there is a way to do it with integrity and choppers eschew this approach.
The only red flags I missed came about 3 weeks to a month before the relationship ended, but what she said didn’t come across as doubts about me and the relationship. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended that those remarks took on more significance and provided clues to her mindset.
When you’re talking about a walkaway spouse/partner, what clues are there can easily be construed as ordinary relationship issues.
Daniel, I agree with you about the clues simply being ordinary relationship issues. I thought whatever was wrong (and no, I didn’t know what) could be resolved by having a mature adult discussion. I had no idea he was making plans to leave, and send me some tacky email, saying the relationship was over.
I thank God for you Natalie, thank you
I went there.
I once dated a guy, I was very much in love with him and unfortunately I had to go back to my country after 6 months of living abroad. He insisted to keep our relationship whatever it takes, we would call each other every day, sending emails and skyping. It went okay for a month or so and then I was the one calling more often, he became hardly reachable but always with great excuses. I was hurting but in love and blind.
One day, he just didn’t answer any of my calls, emails, even letters.
I called with a private number. He picked up and hung up on me heartlessly when he heard my name. I never heard from him ever again and it was the hardest break up I’ve ever experienced.
What hurt me the most? How can you pretend loving someone, vanish and being so deeply mean and heartless. I felt insulted.
It’s been two years and sure, life goes on but I still think about it from time to time, and it still hurts me, less than before obviously, but I always have this little wound in my heart.
Your post made me realise that this is NOT ABOUT ME and I’m glad this troubled person went out of my life , it would have hurt anyway.
I’m finally getting this clear once and for all. Thank you.
I have come to the conclusion that we do tend to ignore ‘red flags’ but for various reasons. I ignored mine by having been widowed and wanting someone in my life again as my late hubby requested i should try to find. I was completely taken in by all the attention showered on me by this person who i now know pretended to care, who showered me with gifts, future faked and told me he was going to build his life around me! He also told me on the second meeting that he wanted a full relationship eventually, but only when i felt ready. My answer to that was to ask him what he would do until i did feel ready, and he said he had ‘friends’. I must have been stupid/blindsided not to have worked out just what he considered his ‘friends’ and what they probably were happy to do for him as i had been married for many years before my hubby passed away, and i also had never heard of friends with benefits! They seem to be everywhere today, so i do now know about them. I would call them friends with no morals personally.
We had a super relationship for 3 years, went everywhere together, laughed and cried about the same things, supported each other when there were family difficulties and then came the day i found out about his cheating. I was mortified as i felt so let down and failed to comprehend why he would want someone else as well as me when he was always saying how happy he was when we were together and how physically and spiritually in sync we were. When i found out about the OW i knew that was the end for me as i could never put up with having no more trust in the relationship. He ditched me anyway in a sickening callous way, so much so that i thought i was dealing with the devil, he was so cold, looked as if he hated me and acted like an alien i had never encountered before. I could not believe the change in him, it still freaks me out whenever i try to make sense of that. Then he had the cheek to say he wanted me as a ‘friend’ and as he was moving house, could i help him clean it out . WTF, i cannot put down here exactly what my reply was. How would i want to be a friend to a scumbag like him, how did he perceive me to even imagine i would buy that one?
It is now almost a year of NC and if…
Painted,
Glad you stuck your guns and got out when you found out he cheated!
Painted,
Your story makes me realize how awful it is for each and every one of us when we first confront such behaviour and such a selfish way of relating. It’s confusing; it doesn’t make sense to anyone who has been used to a degree of love and care and honesty. I loved reading how solid you were about not being willing to put up with cheating. I loved how clear you are that his idea of remaining friends is ridiculous. What I don’t hope is that you have to learn through any more experience that there are such people out there. Keep your boundaries and don’t spend too much time trying to figure this guy out –
I posted awhile back about my ex and how we broke up on NYE after I had asked him to stay in the city and spend time with me after work despite me having to work till 11pm. He told me yes, then the night before he left and said he was going out of town skiing and would not be back for NYE with me. So I was alone. Later facebook videos were posted of him shirtless and very intoxicated all night in the club on NYE. and he said he doesn’t remember anything. That’s when I decided to call it quits. It was 4.5 years and after I broke up with him for mistreating me *atleast i thought* he disappeared, removed all my friends off his facebook and never really tried apologizing or contacting me. This hurt because I felt so wronged and forced into breaking up with him, in all honesty i wanted me breaking up with him to make him see how he was mistreating me and that he needed to shape up. Now I’m starting to second guess if I was the one that was emotionally messed up? Maybe he didn’t treat me bad? Maybe I was too insecure and controlling? He didn’t treat me terribly during the relationship, he made time for me when he could, introduced me to family etc, came to family events with me, we never really discussed a future but I had hoped someday.. When we did argue though was when we had a problem. We never argued about anything except other girls, ditching me for his friends and his drinking. When we were together things were great. It was when we were apart *when he was drinking/with friends/on trips that we would fight* In our relationshiop he for sure texted shirtless pictures of himself and flirted with a girl he met on a drinking trip after he had got home (So I have no idea what actually went on there, he denies anything physical), called me names during arguments like “psycho/bitch” when i’d get upset about him going out drinking/trips/with friends, and would often choose going out with his friends drinking over me. The sending pictures to other girl after arriving home from the trip with his friends caused me to become extremely insecure and upset anytime he went drinking with his friends. For example things that really upset me were if I said I wanted to go to an event and let’s say I was…
“We never argued about anything except other girls, ditching me for his friends and his drinking.”
You’ve put the word EXCEPT on behaviours that are important yellow, maybe even red, flags. Do you know what the limits are of what YOU will be comfortable with? You can have limits and if he doesn’t like them, you walk.
Anyway, the behaviours you describe make it sound like he was quite disrespectful.
“… in all honesty i wanted me breaking up with him to make him see how he was mistreating me and that he needed to shape up. Now I’m starting to second guess if I was the one that was emotionally messed up?”
We’ve all been there. This site has tons of great posts on these sorts of questions; we come back when we start second-guessing ourselves; sometimes we need support to stick to our conviction. Keep reading and good luck.
Was it Tracy Chapman who sang “Unsettled hearts promise what they can’t deliver”.
I’ve just recently been on the end of a sudden chop. It hurts. The person in question wasn’t an AC- we talked through a lot of stuff when he dropped his bombshell, so there was no problem with him not communicating in that respect. It was still a bombshell though. I really struggled for ages with the – why, how, could he just feel so strongly for me one day(and I believe he did, rather than faking it) and literally in the space of a few days do a 180 degree turn???. I guess you can torture yourself for ages trying to find the answers for those questions, but I dont even think he knew them. I think he was just so unhappy in his life, and with himself and throw family dissaproval re religion / race into the mix and perhaps he just panicked and was scared of commitment.
But – For once, I am not left asking what could i have done (nothing), would it have been different with someone else nicer/more intellgent/better job/better looking etc (delete as appropriate!) as I know it is all to do with him and his emotional avaliability. I dont think in the long term a relationship can work with someone so deeply unhappy with themselves, and I am glad that if this outcome was inevitable it happened sooner rather than later. This site has been part of the reason I have learnt to try to start to spent time focusing on myself rather than him, and that does actually help. So thanks NML and all the posters here.
I read the following on another website and it really resonated with me:
The way someone chooses to dump someone and leave, has nothing to do with the “dumpee” or the “feelings of the dumper” it’s say so much more about WHO THE DUMPER IS, and their own “life pattern” then it does about you… a break up is difficult enough and when the person leaving you is a “worthwhile mature sincere person” they usually meet with you face to face, shed some tears, and express sincere remorse and reasons as to why they feel they can not stay in the relationship”.. if this type of ending does not take place, and they just dump, run, and start a new relationship..well then you can “thank god” they left you..because it’s most likely this pattern in THIER LIFE will be repeated, over and over again….
The most healing thing for you to do is to NOT take it PERSONALLY, but to take it “practically” that it’s just the “way” the dumper is emotionally immature, irresponsible, and not loyal, long lasting relationship quality… they are the type that love “newness” and once it gets old and they are required to be emotionally authentic and responsible they run… and thank god they do….
Many people who end relationships this way very likely suffered from emotional neglect as a child and never emotionally matured into an adult. It’s like dating someone with the mind of a 5 year old child. They have the body and mental capacity of an adult but the emotional level of a child. They were emotionally neglected by their parents and never learned how to mature. Imagine a little girl playing with a toy. She throws it down for the new toy and never looks back, without any thought or compassion for the old toy. Would you expect a five year old to sit down and rationally discuss a relationship? Of course not. They are not capable and nether is your ex. They typically can not handle any type of responsibility and go through life attaching and detaching to people, never being able to truly maintain a functional long lasting mature relationship. When they hurt people, they can’t even comprehend what they have done. Does a child feel bad when they say, “I hate you?” It’s a psyche that normal functioning people can’t even understand. Many go from job to job never being able to keep one for any long period of time. Drug and alcohol abuse or other such issues are common. The sudden dumping usually occurs when some dynamic within the realtionship changes. (getting married, moving in together, being confronted about the drugs or alcohol, demanding they find a job, making a committment, etc). They run scared because their partner has asked them to grow up and it terrifies them because they never learned how to grow up. So they sabotage the relationship. They close the door on you and never look back. And cruelly leave you without any answers. When someone treats you like this, it is some of the worst pain and suffering a human being can ever experience. And you have done nothing to deserve this and remember, it has nothing to do with you. Their problems are completely independent of you. Sadly, they will repeat this pattern throughout their life and never achieve true happiness with anyone. The person after you is not gonna get a better deal, trust me! You are better off without this person in your life and being a mature adult, you will be able to heal from your pain and go on and find true happiness with…
Lee your diagnosis is spot on and makes perfect sense, most of them are 5 year olds.
Insightful post Lee you hit the nail on the head with your description:
“They typically can not handle any type of responsibility and go through life attaching and detaching to people, never being able to truly maintain a functional long lasting mature relationship.”
“It’s a psyche that normal functioning people can’t even understand. Many go from job to job never being able to keep one for any long period of time. Drug and alcohol abuse or other such issues are common. The sudden dumping usually occurs when some dynamic within the realtionship changes. (getting married, moving in together, being confronted about the drugs or alcohol, demanding they find a job, making a committment, etc). They run scared because their partner has asked them to grow up and it terrifies them because they never learned how to grow up. So they sabotage the relationship. ”
“And you have done nothing to deserve this and remember, it has nothing to do with you. Their problems are completely independent of you. Sadly, they will repeat this pattern throughout their life and never achieve true happiness with anyone.” Thanks for sharing those wise words.
wow I felt like you were speaking directly to me! Thank you for your words of wisdom! Much needed for my broken heart today!
Thank you for your post.
I have been in this limbo, looking for a “why?” for almost a year now. This was when my husband decided to leave. We had been married less than 3 years at the time and together for almost 6 years. Ok, so maybe he didn’t tell me he loved me one day and then left the next day. Six months before he left, he basically woke up one day and he was unhappy. And he stayed unhappy until the day he left. For the duration of that time I tried to find out what was wrong, whether it was our relationship, something else that we could work on. He closed himself to me and gave me no reason for this decision except for his general unhappiness. I have spent a year trying to figure it out, to find out specific “why?s”, to make him change his mind. I begged and pleaded and cried. I just couldn’t understand how he could totally walk all over his marriage vows and not look back. I thought I was a horrible person for making him so unhappy that he left and went back to live with his mother.
But now I am starting to see the light… Maybe it wasn’t me after all. Maybe he did get scared of commitment and wanted to bail out. I still have to really believe that perhaps I am lucky to have him out of my life, but hopefully one day that will come. Once all the pain is gone.
Well, I just got chopped today and I am in shock.
Thankfully, it wasn’t a long “relationship” or even a real one. I met someone a little less than two weeks ago through a mutual friend and we started talking every day. We went on awesome dates that lasted for hours and hours and he would always call, text, or facebook message. We had all the important values in common, or at least he claimed too. I kept getting texts from our mutual friends telling me how happy he was and how much he would talk about me. Two nights ago, he told me he really liked me and was “amazed” that he had met someone so compatible and kissed me for the first time. I went home on cloud nine, but the next day, he didn’t show up to a performance I was in like he said he would. Then he told me he needed to talk. He tried to text me about it, but I refused and said if he wanted to talk he had to call me or see me in person (yay boundaries!). Well, at 1 am, I got the call. The first excuse was that I was moving away in a few months and he didn’t think he could do LD (which we had actually talked about the night before and he had explicitly stated since I was moving just a little over an hour away it wouldn’t be a problem), so I called him on his bs and told him to tell me the truth. Then he started making a hundred references to his “past relationships”: He couldn’t do LD because it didn’t work in the past, he couldn’t have a gf because his last one was too demanding, etc etc and of course I would be exactly like that. He talked about his exes a lot and I did pick up on the red flag, but I was hoping (stupid me) that he’d stop once I told him that I didn’t want to hear about his exes. I got mad at him and we argued for literally about two minutes before he told me he was done and didn’t want to hear from me and hung up on me.
I immediately instituted NC, deleted all our facebook messages, deleted his number etc etc, but I’m still in shock. Our mutual friends are in shock. When I texted a friend to tell him what happened (this friend was the one that introduced us and kept saying how perfect we’d be together), he couldn’t believe it, because the very night before this guy had been so happy and…
Tia,
I see he blamed everyone other than himself.
You’re very lucky this happened early on!
Tia:
the good thing is you stuck to your boundaries. I know you’re in shock but be happy you figured this out in 2 weeks. If you didn’t have any boundaries this could have dragged on for months.
This recently happened to me (also about to move) with a guy I had been with for over a month-things were going beautifully. Metting friends, he was being respectful- he talked a lot about the future, I didn’t buy in to it all- I just told him we’ll see etc. Then he allowed a friend of his to disrespect me throughout an evening and he didn’t defend me- and he was downright hostile when I pointed this out to him. I told him let’s talk about it- he declined- so I was like ok moving on-then the tried to apologize via facebook chat, I told him if you want to talk about it call me- he had some excuses about why he couldn’t call- I cut him off and moved on. He hasn’t even contacted me since. Surprisingly- it didn’t hurt. I went to hell and back with an EUM last year who I broke NC with so many times thinking I could be an exception to every rule only to find out he had played me. Since then I stick to my boundaries and do not tolerate EUM and when I do run in to one they are gone very fast and it surprisingly doesn’t take too much time to recover.
Tia, you moved way too fast into this for having only dated him for two weeks. In only two weeks, the pace should have been wayyyyy slower, a couple of dates and phone calls, not hours and hours…relationships that start out so intense are bound to blow up. It *is* the woman’s responsibility to pace the relationship and keep it from getting so intense so quickly, because our hearts are generally more vulnerable and on the line and it’s our responsibility to protect them and show the men how to treat us.
He has his part, you have yours…be mindful of the pacing or you’ll just get into the same situation over and over again until the lesson is learned.
Agree with Sunshine. I’m not saying he behaved well but he does have a right to change his (flaky) mind when he’s only known you two weeks. It would be a strange world if we were obligated to someone we’ve known a fortnight. It’s good you instigated NC as he sounds like the kind of guy who will come back for another go. Your door is closed!
By the way, if someone exhibits red flag behaviour you don’t tell them to stop, you get out. Red flags aren’t for discussing, they’re for Jump Now. If you can’t accept someone the way they are, you probably don’t want to be with them. It’s like looking at the Mona Lisa and saying “I really like this painting, but I wish it was a picture of a goat”. It is what it is and he is who he is. Someone you don’t want.
“It’s like looking at the Mona Lisa and saying ‘I really like this painting, but I wish it was a picture of a goat.'”
Grace, you’re a genius. Those are words I will always keep in mind when I encounter a guy whom I think I like but whom I wish was basically different than he is!
I’ve been reading through the posts and comments on here, and I’ve been through sudden breakups and unresponsiveness, although never with an impending marriage or serious relationship. But it always still hurt like crazy and made it really hard for me to concentrate on anything else.
To be honest with you all, I truly fear that I will never find happiness in love and that I will always be single. I have interests and nice friends and a good job and everything and I do try to be happy, but it’s just not enough. I want that special person to share it all with, who really loves me and is there for me, and I am afraid it will always elude me and I will only ever be attracted to unavailable men who can’t love me and will abandon me.
My heart is sore. Do any of you have any words of wisdom for me?
Hi Jennifer,
I feel unqualified to answer your post because I haven’t experienced a good relationship myself.
However some things some of the ‘good’ guys might be picking up on is your unhappiness and sense you are not fullfilled within yourself and so stay away because it is too big a job to fullfil you and make you happy. (also it is not their job to do that it is yours)
The other guys come along because they sense how much you want someone in your life and you’ll put up with their issues and crap just to have someone.
You sound like you are living your life in waiting, waiting for that one person to come along and make it complete this is a fairytale to me and I have been reading a lot lately and most people who write about dating all say the same thing that you have to be genuinely happy in your own life and fullfilled so if someone does come along they are adding to your life not filling in the something missing.
Someone recommened Rori Raye’s web site and of course all of NML’s advice is spot on too we have to be healthy ourselves and be working on our issues making our life happy and fulfilling for ourselves.
Maybe no one will come along there are no guarantees in life but at least you will have lived your life instead of waiting for what might not happen.
If I were you I would start to look to widen your interests and take advantage of opportunities that come your way.
I have to add all the things I have said here absolutely apply to me. Hope it helps.
Just a quick response to this – have any of you found Rori Raye’s site to be genuinely helpful? I love Natalie’s advice because she emphasizes that there is nothing you can do to get your guy to treat you better and that you need to just focus on opting out of bad relationships and opting into good ones.
With Rori Raye, on the other hand, I’ve read some of her articles and it seems like she suggests you can actually change a relationship that hasn’t been working by somehow behaving differently toward your partner. I’m no expert but if there’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way, it’s that a relationship that hasn’t been working is a relationship that isn’t going to work no matter how hard you try to change the way you’re behaving with your guy.
Jennifer,
I think the big step is understanding and changing what brought you to this place. You will find the right person, but only if you are healthy and available yourself.
When I last dumped the AC-he dumped me the first time-I had an epiphany, recognizing I was the common denominator in my poor relationships-he was only partially responsible as I put up with the nonsense . Looking back, I was actively choosing people that would never be able to provide a healthy long term relationship-scared of intimacy. When I addressed my issues of low self-esteem, made changes by removing toxic friends and instilling boundaries, things started to turn around. I also got involved in many activities, opening myself up to many new interests and friends.
I think when you have a clearer understanding what brought you to this point, will be able to address your issues with intimacy and find a healthy partner and happier life.
I thank the AC for treating me so poorly b/c if he hadn’t I wouldn’t be in the place I am today.
It can be a scary journey, but the reward is so worth it! It’s up to you!!!
I see what you’re saying and I think you’re right. I guess I just want each one to be different when I should know he won’t be.
I think I’ve been brought to this place more or less because of my fragile self-esteem, which I’ve always had. Can you give me a sense of what you did to raise your self-esteem? Or can anyone else who has had the same experience offer some tips?
Believe it or not, I am actually happier than I sound right now. I am feeling low because a guy I was hoping to get to know (not dating or anything yet) suddenly dropped our line of contact after being really nice up until now, and of course old patterns set in and I am questioning myself, wondering if he somehow didn’t get my last message, etc. I have an amazing bunch of friends and I do like my life, but I find no matter how hard I work to feel completely satisfied, the loneliness does set in and I get freaked out when something like this happens. Do any of you have tips about these situations? Just how to deal with them or forget about them in the moment?
I am also not sure it will be possible to completely overcome the loneliness, and have sometimes thought that if I want a relationship, perhaps I should just acknowledge it rather than convincing myself I can be totally fulfilled without it, because obviously lots of people want relationships or they wouldn’t have them. Thoughts on this?
Thank you all for your help.
Jennifer,
It sounds like your depending on these men to fulfill and make you happy. This will never happen, until you’re happy with yourself-big burden to put on others.
As I said earlier, I had to address my own problems, and this had nothing to do with the men in my life.
Another thing that worked for me was getting involved in many new activities to keep the focus off the ex, little did I realize how much it would expand my life and raise my self esteem. I got involved with volunteer work, school , dancing, yoga, meditation, hiking, etc….. I don’t know what you do with your free time, are you busy with friends and activities???
Jennifer
breakups are hard. There’s no hard and fast rule to say it takes x months to get over a relationship but I think we should ask ourselves whether our response is proportionate.
If someone we hardly know disappears -do we instantly start questioning ourselves, wondering if we’re going to be alone forever, doubting our attractiveness and self-worth, wondering if we’re doomed. For a couple of hours/days/weeks? If a short relationship doesn’t work out, are we still agitated about it two or three years later? Even if a long relationship doesn’t work out, are we still thinking about it five years afterwards? I’m not saying “hurry up and get over it” but we should ask ourselves what it is we’re actually upset about. Sometimes, it’s not so much the loss of the relationship (which is often unsatisfactory), we can’t recover our self-esteem (assuming we had it in the first place). In my case I absolutely could NOT deal with rejection. I would get back together with men who dumped me only to dump them myself later.
Anything could have happened with this guy – his ex got back in touch, his firm wants him to relocate, he met someone else, his mum got sick. It’s not a reflection on you. Whether or not you ever met this guy, you’re still the same person. Are you happy with who you are?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship but a relationship isn’t an answer to a problem (loneliness), I think it needs to be more of a lovely addition to your life. I’m still figuring this out myself though.
If you feel trapped by negative thoughts about the past, it can be a symptom of depression/anxiety and it may be worth getting some help. Or, maybe, by the time you’ve read this you’ve had a nice walk and a meal and figured it doesn’t matter what’s going on with this guy. This doesn’t have to mean … anything. It can mean as little or as much as you want it to.
Geez Grace, Allison, and Tuplia are you responding to something I haven’t written yet? Your responses to Jennifer are are really good. Jennifer, hang in there. I’m feeling the same thing. I’ve got a good job, always have, and don’t need any male to support me. But, at 51, will there be anyone who could truly commit? I’m optimistic.
Jennifer,
Hon, we all have different recovery times. Perhaps, b/c my ex was my epiphany I was able to make the transition to higher self-esteem and better boundaries faster.
It would be lovely to have someone in my life-don’t know if I could do it now as my brother just passed and my father has very serious health issues-as I don’t know that I have anything to give, just trying to hold on to my sanity.
What it came down to was recognizing why I allowed the mistreatment, and this helped me make the changes. I also do not have the tolerance for any more drama, due to what I have been dealing with with my family.
I hope you are able to come to a place of peace and recognize all that you deserve in a healthy loving relationship.
Hugs
Hi Allison, I’m sorry for your loss (((hugs)))
Thanks, Sweetie!!!
Thanks so much Natalie for this blog. I wish I had it two years ago when he started to play the nothing has changed but I still want you and miss you game. Meanwhile coming up with nothing to resolve our problems. I have been in NC now for two weeks and I don’t think I could have done it without reading your blogs. One article after another has hit me ie the reset button, what is he thinking when he says he misses me…and on and on. My ex pulled the disappearing act when things would get tough in his life and expect us to pick right up. I went through this for years and he still won’t stop contacting me. I have managed to not answer his calls and texts so far and hopefully he got the message. Not explaining anything since his last text said…”are you not talking to me now?” After I told him I didn’t want to be friends since it was preventing me from moving on. Thanks so much for your spot on advice about these assclowns and I will keep reading to keep strong.
Beth D, when someone is discourteous enough to disappear, let them stay gone. You can never be certain with someone like them. Don’t respond to him and at the end of the day, change is something that requires acknowledgement of past behaviour and also evidence of actual change now. I don’t trust anybody that disappears – there are plenty of scared people with integrity that won’t become hollowman when it suits. Flush!
I realize I was looking at the good years. There were good years that his head was in the game. This last breakup he pulled a 180, disappeared and left me with an email that basically explained nothing. Something stupid along the lines his business consuming him, pressure blah blah Shocking and devastating after 10 years. I can’t ever trust him and especially after he really didn’t do anything to gain my trust in the two years he has pursued me yet brought nothing to the table. As someone on this blog wisely said….he is a parasite! I feel so much better about my decision to finally gain control of my life. NC all the way for me! Thanks again
Live your life. Experience the ups and downs. Learn. Grow. Be. A relationship is to ADD to your life NOT subtract from it. Learn what to watch out for, know your boundaries and values. Keep your eyes open and feet on the ground when dating. Don’t settle for less than a loving trusting comfortable relationship. Opt out before you start making excuses for boundary crossing behaviors. Read Nat’s books and this site. Trust your life to take you on the journey you are meant to have. Learn to meditate and find peace. Look to nature for the beauty in the world. You will be okay. Just some of my thoughts…
Thank you all for your advice, I’m feeling a lot better now and just need to keep reminding myself that whatever this guy thinks or does is not a reflection on me, his problem is not my problem, and he could never have offered me what I deserve anyway.
@Allison: I do keep myself busy with friends and activities, but sometimes it’s still hard to go home alone at the end of the night, and rejections tend to emphasize that for me and make it even harder. I figure I’ll need to overcome this – obviously I can’t be busy every second of every day, right? Eventually, I need to slow down and be with myself. I hope that makes sense.
Something I did many years ago to help counteract that feeling of want/loneliness – I just told myself to stop pining for something that wasn’t there! To face the fact that what I had in my life was what I had, and to make the best of it. Felt like a load came off my shoulders when I did that. All that energy wasted on pining, pining. Not to say that one shouldn’t have goals and dreams, just that wallowing in what isn’t in your life right now won’t get you anywhere.
Thank you for this, Natalie. My ex did this exact thing and I spent years wondering what I did, and how I missed the red flags. In truth, there weren’t a lot of red flags (maybe a few yellow ones) because he was a good future-faker and mostly treated me very well. Which is why the end came as such a huge suprise. Getting shut out and feeling like I was thrown away like garbage was the worst feeling in the world. Just unexplicable really.
But, like you said, it comes down to integrity. Anyone who could treat someone they profess to love with such immense cruelty obviously has none.
Good one Flutternutter. I actually cut and pasted what you said. I think it is even harder when they have treated you really well in the relationship. Mine treated me like a queen alot of the time but did pull some disappearing acts from time to time although nothing like the last one. Yes red flags there. It is just so mind boggling when they pull the Jekly and Hyde thing. The disappearing act is so unfair and you end up analyzing the situation to death. The comment that rings clear is about how they can treat someone they profess to love with such cruelty. It speaks volumes of not only their integrity but their lack of compassion. I am starting to think of my ex as a sick person with issues I know will keep resurfacing. Playing the nice person gets you nowhere with these people as they will keep trying to come back into your life and they play the sympathy card. We are suppose to feel sorry even though they didn’t give our feelings a thought when they went MIA. As much as it hurts me to try to stay away from him I have committed to NC. I have fallen off the wagon a few times but this site is really helping me to see the light and give me determination to out this person from my life.
I agree with everything except I think that often these people do believe they have the possibility to come back. I think that they create all this drama so you will break up with them or they do something crazy to get away. However once their anxiety has died down or they have gotten tired of the new person they usually come back. At which point having ingested that it’s not you and have airtight NC you don’t even bother responding. I’ve had friends have guys come back like 4 years later and try to apologize and likewise a few of these Houdinis have come back to contact me years/months later.
I think they come back more than they don’t. My gf just told me some guy who did this contacted her recently after two years. Apologizing and wondering if she was free, LOL Mine came back after me in 6 weeks. I can’t describe the devastation of those 6 weeks and wondering, worrying and analyzing that went on. Even my friends were crazed with a million theories. Does it really matter if they apologize ? Mine was remorseful, admitted he mishandled, and basically pleaded temporary insanity. It doesn’t make it better. Just harder to walk away. I was with him 10 years. If you have a great dog for 10 years and he bites you badly what do you do? YOU PUT HIM DOWN CAUSE YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T TRUST HIM EVER AGAIN!
Thank god for these posts, every night I go to sleep convincing myself that I want to contact the AC/MM, (I broke it off, but I know he would be receptive to keep this going, but who cares to hold on to something so unhealthy?) I read this first thing in the morning and find the strength to maintain NC. Thanks NML and everyone! You are saving my life and giving me the strength to move on!
I’m with you and understand. This site helps keep us strong and focused. We are blessed.
Nevertoolate, I hear you. I’m sill fighting the same battle everyday. I come to this site every morning and every night for support. Thank you all. If you all can do it, so can I. I envision the Ex MM like a giant piece of chocolate cake. I can contact him and eat the yummy giant piece of chocolate cake at any time. He’d be totally receptive to hitting the reset button and continuing to get his needs met at my expense. Rationally, I know I’d wake up in the morning feeling like crap. Nothing would change. He’d still be a married, cowardly jerk. Although the icing appears so yummy and so tantalizing, the inside is stale yucky cake. I’m still struggling to make my heart follow my mind too. I know, in the morning, he’ll still be a married, cowardly jerk creeping around behind his wife’s back meeting his needs and using me. Let’s not go back. We are there with you. In solidarity!
I am so so upset. The AC eventaully phoned me ‘to see if I’m ok and if we can be friends’. I asked what that meant – did he want to just forget the last 2 years and be just good friends? ‘Yes I think so, don’t you’ came the reply, followed by’ its up to you whatever you want..I don’t mind either way’. I was shocked and couldn’t say anything.’I’ll have to go, I’m just about to drive’ and he was gone! 2 years and that was that. Clearly he’s found someone else – probably driving off to take her out. I can’t believe that 2 years counted for nothing. I hadn’t seen him for a couple of weeks and the texts and odd phone call had stopped so I knew really, but to be told in such an offhand way. was no better than him disappearing without a word. I have to get over this I know. I’m a widow and I was so happy to have met someone I’d thought was sincere but the signs were all there- the harem, checking texts constantly when he was with me, saying he was too tired/busy to spend a weekend together. Obviously I never mattered – just another notch on his bedpost – and he thinks we can be friends! I’m tearful and speechless.
shattered…my heart broke for you when I read your post. Right now there are no words because it takes time to get over something like that. As Nat has said time and time again, if they treated you with disrespect while you were in the the relationship they won’t treat you any better when its over. Stick to NC and don’t ever be friends. You deserve so much better.
Well, if he doesn’t mind either way (JERK!) I suppose that tells you not to waste another minute of your precious time on him. Grieve and move on. You have learned a lot.
So, so, so, sorry Shattered. My heart broke too when I read your post. Sounds like he is a total jerk and it may be difficult to hit “flush”. In the beginning, it seems like it is so much easier to ignore the red flags than to face them…although in the end, it feels awful to realize them. Based on your post, it sounds as though you have been reading Natalie’s stuff. I’ve had five years of counseling, 3 husbands, 1 kid, relationships with 2 MM’s, and I’ve never experienced what I’ve gained from Natalie and the folks who post on her blog. Stick with Natalie. We’ve been there.
Shattered…….
I know exactly how you are feeling, its an awful shock after being together for 2 years (3 in the case of myself) thinking everything is going along nicely and then they tell you in no uncertain terms you are surplus to requirements. Yes, i agree with you they probably have either someone else then, or are lining up their next ‘victim’. I also appreciate that you feel terrible because of being a widow like myself. We are vulnerable and they suss that out, leech on you as much as they can and then treat you like something under their shoe once they decide they have no further use for you.
Believe me, you are better off without this waste of space and he will keep doing this to other women endlessly. You had a lucky escape. It took me quite a while to let the fact that i am better off alone sink into my head, but it has also given me an insight as to what sort of person i shall look for in the future. Unfortunately, it will take me longer to trust, but i believe there are better men out there – god help us all if there are not! Take care, take time out to look after yourself.
Holy cow did you hit the nail on the head! (and more like a hammer upside my daft head) I have been beating myself up for 3 weeks wondering what I could have done to deserve this! Just today the freak deleted me from Skype and all other means of contact. I honestly thought that his being from the UK and me being from the US had everything to do with it and that I just didn’t understand his ways! ha! He moved at warp speed into this “relationship” not to mention he had bought a ticket here to the US from the UK to see me for this month and I was so mortified that he had wasted his hard earned money that I offered to help him pay to get another ticket to see a friend! Dummy me! Thank GOD he could change the “non-refundable” (or so he told me) ticket. I am so sad that there are others who have been treated this way yet I take great solace in knowing there are people who understand. Thank you for this post! I am now empowered even though still a little wounded! But he has to look himself in the mirror now……
This might be off topic, but my EUM just ‘showed up’ one night, where a band he knows I like/am friendly with, was playing. This was about a month after some wishy-washy attempts on his part to..? I don’t even know what he was attempting. Mostly explain why things couldn’t work [i.e. absolve himself of guilt]. Needless to say I was dumbstruck and upset to see him, quite literally standing right beside me. He just looked at me and waited for me to say something!! Who does this?? Lunatics maybe? We’re both well over 40 btw. He seemed chuffed that I didn’t fall to my knees at seeing him and said kind of like a petulant teen-age girl ‘do you want me to leave?’ [getting warmer]. I guess I was kinder then I should have been and said no, you’re free to be wherever you like, we exchanged some pleasantries, he muttered something under his breath about ‘love’ and was gone. And my friends had to pick up the weeping pieces of me after he left. I told them I’m trying to move on but he doesn’t want me and he doesn’t want me to move on. He never tried to explain what the hell that ‘gesture’ was all about. Of course not, that would be mature and normal. Instead, he decided ‘Oh I feel like seeing her, whether or not she wants to see me, so I’ll just show up and ambush her’. It’s always about what they want, isn’t it?
Outergirl – It is, indeed, always about what they want!
I remember when i was trying to get over the ex EUM, he text me one morning and let me know he was in town (he lives in another city) and offered to come over and perform a sexual act on me. I said “no, but i can make you a cup of tea!”, which was hard because i did really want to see him. Anyway, a few weeks later, i bump into him and asked him what the hell that message was all about. His reply: “It’s just what i felt like at the time”. I thought, back then (before finding this site), that there must be more to it, but there really isn’t! That is all there is to it: It’s just what i felt like at the time. Selfish twits!
I hope you’re over that idiot now. I’m well over mine!
You did fine. You now know he might pop up again. You are moving on. He just caught you off guard. What matters is what you want. He’s not your problem now. ( there is also a song by Dana Parrish by that title…you might like it.) That had to have been hard. Do continue doing things that bring you pleasure. Keep on living your life…he chose to leave and you have survived just fine. So yes, he misses you; he should have treated you better. His loss.
The song is “Not my problem” by Dana Parish. I listen to it frequently.
Thank you Leisha and Minky and many others
The most important thing maybe I failed to mention is that not all that long ago, I would have been just thrilled that he made such an effort for me!!! Forward to the present, I felt what he did was inconsiderate , selfish and boundary busting. I’m in a better place and I’ve learned so much. I think he gave all he could, but like Nat says, if his best is only 20%, that and $2.00 gets me a coffee at Starbucks.
Great point When my ex was good there was no better. That was when his head was in the game. I remember him telling me he loved me more than any other woman and all I could think of is…..who needs a low capacity lover. There are some people who just can’t love strongly. Maybe it is because the great love of their lives is themselves.
It does help to know that others have been/are in the same boat. I’m afraid to say I sent him a text last night saying that I obviously meant nothing and didn’t even get a ‘sorry’ from him, so as he’s clearly moved on, I will too now and no we can’t be friends so goodbye. No reply of course, but I feel better for sending it. Yes the red flags were there but I didn’t know about this site then. We’re both over 40 (he’s in his 60s, never been married but had lots of relationships which have never lasted). Guess he thought he could relegate me to the harem of ex shags, ex girlfriends, etc. when he was at a loose end. Its been a horrible experience to know that such people exist, especially as I had a happy marriage with a lovely man. It will take a while to get over this, but I’ll get there. It just puzzles me that these ACs are so unfeeling and emotionless and can move on to other women without a thought. Although thinking about it, he’s probably been seeing other women the whole time.
Shattered: They run from woman to woman as comfort; they don’t want to think about it; it hurts too much. I heard from one male that he’d heard (and followed) that the way to get over someone was to get under someone else. Yep. No processing and so no learning. Just repeat the same thing over and over again. Different faces…same game. Bury the feelings in other flesh, alcohol, whatever it takes to distract them from feeling the pain. It’s too bad really, because if they did the work they might be people worth having around…ah well.
It is amazing when I read these posts. We think that noone else out there has gone through this. I went through this after 10 years with someone. Things were great and then poof. He disappeared. I was calling and all I would get back is a text message. Finally he wrote me a two page letter saying he wanted to concentrate on work and he was determined to make his business work. Alot of blah blah I know he was worried financially about his business etc. He treated me well for alot of years but he did do the disappearing act here and there. (red flags were there trust me) I was left stunned!!!! I wrote him take your time, get yourself together and we will talk in a few weeks. I couldn’t have handled it more compassionately. I didn’t hear another word for 6 weeks. I thought I was in the twilight zone. I never felt this kind of pain in my life. Finally he wrote me. Said we need to repair the friendship and he was sorry he mishandled things. I wrote him back saying the friendship was irreparable and I had no inclination to be friends with him. I frankly told him with friends like you who needs enemies. Then he started to come after me bigtime with calls etc. Just wanted to hit the reset button. Played the pitiful misunderstood soul. Yet there was a certain defensiveness in him that made me feel like I was the bad person for not loving him enough to forgive him. I eventually broke and started to accept his calls but would not go back to him. I then met him for a few lunches and we basically talked as friends but we would always kiss good bye like we were lovers again. I have been in limbo for two years unable to move on because his calling and infiltrating my life thwarts my efforts yet he has made no real attempt to get back with me in over a year. This board is a Godsend. I know now that I have to do the NC thing. I can’t do this anymore!
Total asshole. That’s him, period.
But, right now, he is not just an asshole, he is also an Asshole who is, for sure, seeing other women! He’s got you on ice while he does so!
Soooo…you start seeing other men. AND YOU TELL HIM THIS: “So, we are seeing other people; right?”
[he may proclaim, “no!”]
Then you say, “well, so you know, I believce in honesty. So I am seeing other people.”
DONE.
YOU keep him on ice, too.
Or just get out, period!
GMTA I like your answer Used. He actually asked me if I was seeing anyone. I did say yes I am are you? He said no I am not seeing anyone. I said too bad. You really don’t have anything to offer me. His answer was I want you back but I am afraid I will hurt you and he asked me what I could accept in the relationship since he is working so many hours. Basically he wanted to offer me crumbs. I knew what he was getting at. I told him I never minded compromising as you well know. I just needed to know you were trying and I was somewhat a priority in your life. After what you did to me you have done nothing at all to make it up to me and now you are offering crumbs!! Asshole is right!!
He’s lying. He has someone, or is just out of a relationship (or pseudo-relationship, whatever).
His mind is not with you. Period. Get out. No more chances to him!
These people are parasites!
“i don’t want to hurt you” = “i’m going to hurt you”.
It SOUNDS like a nice thing to say but it’s only nice insofar as he is giving you a warning. Keep running!
You are both right. He is a done deal. I needed that slap in the face trust me. He will of course demand an explanation when I don’t return his calls. I think I will just do a simple text saying…..enough is enough. I just don’t feel like explaining anymore or writing good bye letters.
Sorry, we tried but I can’t be friends with you, it’s too difficult for me. I want a clean break. All the best”. Actually
Grace I think I am going to text him that line. I think it is great!!!
Beth – That’s pretty much what i emailed to my ex EUM after he asked to be friends: “I can’t be friends with you, it’s too complicated and confusing for me.” That kind of thing is really all you have to say. If they keep pestering you, you can ignore them because you have said all you have to say already. I didn’t hear from the EUM until a few months later when we bumped into each other, but by that point i had totally moved on and was able to be ‘aquaintances’. I would never call him a friend.
Minky I love that. It is exactly what it is for me. Complicated and confusing. Even when I am resolved when we start to talk as friends and start laughing and joking etc I know I can feel for him again and it isn’t good. I actually enjoy talking to him as a friend but when those old feelings resurface it becomes a torment. I know this is one ex I can never remain friends with. Too long, too much was there and too much water under that old bridge.
I am the person who did the disappearing. Ladies, if this has ever happened to you, here’s what you need to know: There are ALWAYS signs. It may seem like the breakup occured out of the blue, but the truth is that people who are hesitant about committing to you will let you know it (in their own way). Sometimes it is direct, but more often it is subtle. In my case, I am a very ambitious 20 something and work in a professional setting. He was the perfect gentlemen, but it bothered me that he had such little drive and motivation. I couldn’t get past the fact that he slept until noon everyday, only worked a few hours in the evening loading trucks, and had horrible credit/finances…at almost 40. I knew from our first date that we would never be serious, but at the time I was in denial because I wanted a relationship.
Fast forward to yesterday; we made plans to see each other a few weeks ago but I called to let him know that I wouldn’t be coming, and that it was over due to incompatibilty. He was shocked, but truth be told there were plenty of clues. I didn’t always repsond to his text messages or return his phone calls. And he was always the one to initiate our get togethers. We only dated for a couple of months, but during that time he was doing most of the leg work.
Is it possible for someone to be consistent in their actions, treat you with love, care, trust, and respect and still pull this crap on you? Yes. But in my opinion it is HIGHLY unlikely.
I’ve just recently experienced this type of treatment. He wasn’t my boyfriend but we had been seeing each other for a few months. During that time we saw each other only when he made time for me and even then he would cancel on me last minute many a time. After talking about that issue he seemed to have tried to change that, but basically ended up bak the way it was (no surprise there). Anyway after trying to figure out where we were going in the relationship and talking for a few minutes, he said he’d call back. He never did. After a few attempts at communicating, he wouldn’t tell me anything except he was “really busy.” Its been about a month since and it still hurts quite a bit. There are days when I’m okay but then I have crappy days all over again. I have found put from mutual friends that he’s in a lot of trouble because of excessive lying. Obviously he’s not in any state to be in a relationship, and I would NOT want to be with him now. But I do feel at fault, like there is something wrong with me since he said I was a bit shy, but wanted to see where things could go. I just feel shit right now.
Renee, exactly how powerful do you think you are? This man is in trouble for being an excessive liar and is flaky with a capital F disrespecting you by not following through on arrangements and you wonder if it’s because he said you were shy? So you think his allergy to the truth and flakiness is caused by you being shy? You think that if you hadn’t been shy you would have had the power to change him?
Renee, I tell you from personal experience that it’s time you wised up and smelled the coffee and stopped defining the world according to yourself. Not everything is about you. This man is this way because he’s an assclown. Go and sort out your self-esteem and stop making yourself responsible for other people’s assholery.
I don’t think his actions are due to me being shy and I know everything is not about me. They were my initial reactions, as this is still pretty fresh. But I do realize that he is an assclown, things transpired the way they did because of him and his actions. I”m better off now, but sometimes no closure is a hard thing. I am not relying on getting it either, I’m slowly moving on and trying to better my life and the people in it. So good riddance. Maybe one day he’ll pop up, but even so I wouldn’t care. He has major issues.
Don’t envy the next person because who knows what kind of switcheroo stuff they’ll be pulling there – they may have left a big hole in your life, but you can fill it with a better person and new hopes, dreams, and plans.
So true Natalie. Am heartbroken, I have cried and cried. My man just went mute on me. He hasn’t spoken to me since I left his place, no explanation no nothing. I have decided not to call him either. Am on NC day 50. I feel stronger each day that passes. I come here to read comments each time I feel like crying.
3 weeks ago my 18 month ‘relationship’ was ended in this way by Facebook! He’d removed all my photos and changed his status to ‘Single’ – not one word spoken, didn’t even manage an email. Just a text to confirm when I could collect my belongings from his house. I’ve had no contact since.
Honestly, Facebook is far too prevalent in relationships. Your ex is an asshole and I’m disgusted for you that you would be treated in this way. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do with the man with no soul. He’s certainly not going to give you closure and I’d lay bets that he thinks he gave you ‘hints’ that justify his actions. Remove him from Facebook, cry, scream, shout, whatever you need to do – you have a right to be pissed off. Mourn the sudden loss of this man from your life and bury him in the assclown graveyard and go and find yourself a real man.
assclown graveyard !!!!!!!!!! LOVE THAT !!!!!! LOL
Thank you… the hints… a week before he told me he loves and cares for me, the next day “he needs space”. A week later he is advertising the fact he is single on Facebook! I couldn’t make this up! (It wouldn’t be so bad if we were teenagers, I’m 33 and he’s 44!) While I’ve had my moments of grief and disbelief, this last 18 months has been a constant rollercoaster and honestly I’m just enjoying the rest now. Needless to say I removed him from Facebook straight after the incident.
44! Are you frigging kidding me? Pisstaker! Put him 12 feet under in the assclown graveyard. Emotionally immature springs to mind. I know teenagers that wouldn’t dream of behaving in that manner. Be thankful you’re off the rollercoaster. You might feel a bit wonky and queasy but in time your head will get straight and just make sure you don’t get back on a new rollercoaster.
After some months of dating my ex i jokingly said to him ‘you are mine now arnt you’ and he literally shouted out at me ‘ NO I DONT BELONG TO ANYONE’. I had to laugh because it was actually a Valentine’s night and someone had just said the same thing to their partner on tv but got the better reply than i got and a diamond ring to go with it! I suppose that was a red flag, probably the first one i missed.
And whats with this statement ‘I dont want to hurt you’ all about? When he disappeared on me and he eventually rang me after 10 days to see how i was (nice of him – not) i asked if we were getting back together. His reply was ‘I dont honestly know – i dont want to hurt you’. What a thing to say when he could not have hurt me more already by doing a disappearing act when we had had a fantastic day out together, which made the fact he had disappeared all the more bewildering. 9 months now of NC and in my weaker moments i have a little sob, then i think what a cheating b’stard as he turned out to be and i soon recover. I suppose eventually he will become a distant memory….
I don’t want to hurt you is such a crock. My ex said the exact same thing. Does it mean they know they are a screw up? Are they trying to look like the good guy when they are just scum? Are they trying to lower expectations? So tired of trying to figure out a nut!! All I know is that I wish he would just leave me alone instead of declaring his love and still playing mind games with the hot and cold bs! Time to get off the roller coaster and enjoy some peace in my life.
Once again I had to re-read this post and all the comments. My heart was so broken by this recent “assclown” (love that by the way) and I have days of blaming myself. I was even at the airport today and was saddened to know he was suppose to be there this Friday and that he just disappeared and I will just have to accept that he does not give a damn about me or how he made me feel. These comments have done more to help me than any friends words of comfort. Thanks to all of you and I am sorry for your pain as well!
Sorry for you too Ruby. The good news is that they have opened not only our eyes with this behavior but a window to meet someone really great who is not emotionally immature. Still….hurts alot intially but you know once I made up my mind to move on I feel so much better and so will you.
I met this guy in July and we became close friends, so close in fact, that by the October we were dating. He was very upfront about his feelings, pursued me (I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with him at first) but by the middle of October I was totally smitten.
By the end of October he asked me outright to be his girlfriend. We had a passionate, fun relationship and really enjoyed eachothers company. He took me to Thanksgiving at his dad’s house and everything. Things were going great. He even bought up the discussion of baby names with me one night!
THEN, suddenly and without reason or warning two weeks before Christmas, he starts to look at me differently. He’s polite, but I notice a cold chill in the air and he doesn’t look at me with kind eyes anymore. I left to go back home for Christmas for three weeks and I didn’t call him until 3 days after I got home (which I didn’t think was a big deal) – but he was pissed about it (however, I think he may have been looking for reasons to be pissed at me). However, I called him quite a few times over the three weeks and he seemed funny on the phone with me. I told him I missed him and he gave some non-committal answer which hurt me a lot, but I didn’t confront him over it.
I got back after Christmas and he dumped me right away. He said he had no reason to dump me other than he had started to feel “obligated” towards me. He assured me that it was nothing I’d done as a girlfriend to make him feel that way (I’m a really laid back girlfriend!) but that’s just how he felt. When he dumped me it was like he had no emotion towards me at all. I didn’t even recognize the guy sitting in front of me. He said he wanted us to be friends and I politely told him that I didn’t feel able to do that and it just doesn’t work for me. He also told me that our 3 month relationship was the second longest he’d ever had (he’s 31!!!!!). His longest was over 3 years ago, and lasted 3 and a half years.
@Jill
I am sorry that you are hurting. Don’t be surprised if you hear from him and he tries the reset button. Mine was exactly the same (and we are in our 40’s). So, with that being said, I did the “dance” with my ex for 2 1/2 years. I ended it last August – and it ended quite ugly with terrible words back and forth. Well, he attempted the reset button just four weeks ago – only this time I did not let him.
In the past, he would pull the friend card – and I would say I could not do it – and then we’d hang out and all of a sudden we were back together. My stupid assumption being that since I had told him I could not be friends, and his insistence in still contacting & seeing me meant he wanted me too. That we were in relationship (even with talks) and then when things would start going bad his explanation would be “we haven’t even been dating”. WTF?
I blame myself for being just as wishy washy as him by not standing by my boundaries, but they (EUM/ACs) are boundary busters. Keep reading – keep NC, distancing, and it will become clearer. It hurts, but gets better.
They keep coming back for one simple reason. Cause they can. Cause we took them back so many times they know they can get away with it. Then when you cut them off they lose control and and go nuts. It is all about control for some of them. Not saying they don’t care but they are not capable of caring enough and not mature enough to ride out the rough times.
I posted here many months ago after a man I had come to know again (after 20 year absence from my life) dissapeared on me after professing his undying love and visiting me. He dissapeared after yelling and blamed me for my ‘trust issues’ after I peeked in his phone and found 67 texts from his ‘ex’ wife. He was actually married and had lied to me about everything from the start. It was all long distance and I did get caught up in picturing and allowed him to sweep me off my feet quickly.
This blog has been a huge help to me.
I went through a very difficult time (many months) coming to terms with how he lied to me, the fact he was really married and a serial cheater. I had never had anyone decieve me the way he did. I came to find out things about him that really turned my stomach. He had no real character, no integrity. But, worse , it felt like he purposefully intended to hurt me all along, twist things to make it appear it was all my fault, when really he was a married man decieving me from the start. He never called me again after his dissapeance. And, I made it my mission to find out the truth about this person. I was also contacted many months later by his OW that told me a similar story. Apparently he has done this same thing to many other women. Including cheating and lying to his wife! This post is helpful to me. No matter how far I have come, this situation still stings my heart. It is just hard to be abadoned in such a ruthless way. I realized that he dissapeared because he could not face what he had done, all that he had created to selfishly serve himself. He never loved me but used love only as a lure. He was a great actor too. I foolishly believed he was the real thing, and I saw potential.
I am really very thankful for your thoughful posts that have helped me so much. In the end I just had to know that I was better off without him in my life, and although I did nothing to deserve all this pain & heartache, I am stronger and wiser for going through it. Still, it has impacted my life greatly this year. I am still trying to understand it and make peace with it in my heart.
Thanks NML!
Hi Jubilee. What a horrid situation. This is never about what you deserve or don’t deserve. He doesn’t look at you and think ‘Hmm, that Jubilee could do with being conned’. You’re collateral damage in his Me, Me, Me Life. What he has taken advantage of is your willingness to take part in a long distance situation where too many illusions not enough human were involved. The typical con artist doesn’t know you’re going to be receptive to the con until they have tested a couple of things to see if you’re a suitable target. If you were unwilling to be romanced with words, he’d have moved onto a new target. His intentions were to engage in a major deception. The fact that you get hurt is almost by the by for him. He’s pulled The Ruse on you in a way, because actually you didn’t trust him and he wasn’t trustworthy. You were right not to trust him. He is a master manipulator and liar so he has told himself it’s broken off because you don’t trust him and looked in his phone but it’s actually because he’s a philandering asshole. You can do nothing to change a man like this and the only way to avoid a situation like this, is not to be distrusting but to do due diligence and not get swept up in bullshit. You did yourself a favour by looking in his phone. Don’t feel bad about it and take it as the one act that freed you from the con. Eyes, ears wide open next time.
What is it with these men who are blatant liars, cheats and totally untrustworthy – that when you find this out by checking, like going through their emails (I did this – I know it is underhand, but I had suspicions, he wasn’t forthcoming and something just came over me and before I knew it I was logging in….) they seem to totally forget about *their* huge betrayal of you and instead focus on what you’ve done. All I got from my AC when I found about his trips speed dating, and pursuing other women, denying my existence etc was how *he* could no longer trust anyone and he could only ever count on himself and his kids and how sneaky *I* was. He was seriously seriously outraged at how I had treated him… the mind boggles.
I just want him to pay.. no excuse. i’m hurting and he’s walking around willy nilly? I don’t think so. I want him him to pay for deciving me, playing with my emotions, breaking my heart, and cutting away like he’s free as a bird. Actions have conseqences. Call me a crazy B*tch if you want, but i will not be suffering while he’s chillin’ out! And after I’m done with him, he will not do that to another chick,,,EVER! So i encourage all ladies out there to GET CRAZY!! Teach that SOB a lesson!!! Because you’re doing the next chick a favor and maybe the favor will be returned on to you one day! 😉
I am a man who got the chop.
It was a four month relationship. I initiated it, but she pursued me more. Once the relationship was established, and she made clear that we were exclusive, there were red flags. She talked about childhood trauma and ex-bfs. Specifically she said she had broken up with a number of men for some odd reasons. It was too soon in the relationship for that but I let it go.
She talked about wanting marriage and children. After two months she broke up with me without warning, then called an hour later and said it was a mistake. I took her back but now my alarms were ringing. After four months she called me and said she needed time to think. After three days without hearing from her I emailed her and said I was done. A mutual friend told me two days that she was on an online dating site. She was. Her profile is off the site now, probably because she met someone. I feel sorry for the guy, honestly. The only reason I ever got was that she wanted a two-story house (I have a one-story house). Very odd…
Remember ladies, it’s not just men who do this.
@ JD
We know that. I know plenty of good men who get pooped all over. Intimacy issues are on both sides.
That happened with my AC. Broke up with me after standing me up for my cousins wedding and called me like 10 times until I picked up yhe phone – “he didn’t want to break up”. Needless to say the disgusting dance went onfor 2 1/2 yrs. Count your blessings.
The 2 story house is just an excuse!!
jd: Scroll up and see my post from over a week ago. While it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone, I am saddened that it had to happen to someone else. My history may have been longer, but I believe the pain is still the same. Hang in there, brother. You will find yourself with alot of allies and supporters.
Thanks Steve. I got the chop right after Valentines Day. What is it about V day that sets them off?
Love and having a relationship is a pretty complicated thing. Sometimes we experience things that we thought would never happen. Sometimes it ends without any logical reason. We should sometimes accept it even though we are doing everything we can. Acceptance will always set us free.
DAMN!!!!! 344 comments???!?!? A lot of us have been duped, huh. 😐
This entry describes my longest relationship to a T. I’ve talked about it on here before – 3.5 years, college/graduate school boyfriend, his family liked and/or loved me, people saw marriage in the future, etc. etc. etc. whatever. Out of the blue, he just stopped calling. (At that point it was a long distance relationship b/c he was still studying at our college and I was doing my graduate degree in the same state but hours away.) I’d call as usual and he wouldn’t answer. 9 days after calling with no response, he finally answered and said that he doesn’t think we should be together because he’s “busy” and “if it’s meant to be, we’ll get back together”.
Yeah. RIIIIIGHT. It’s now 9 years later. LMAO.
I went over the relationship, especially the end of it, in my mind over & over & over again, wondering what I did wrong (nothing), if I’d said something in our last conversation that made him mad because he was quite passive-aggressive & expected me to read his mind (no), if my efforts weren’t enough, etc. etc. etc. Of course, 9 years later, I know that, but back then it tore me the f£$% apart.
This is still a hard lesson to learn though (well, at least for me it is) – it’s NOT your (my) fault. Things can get so murky and the mind games that are played (and the signs that we don’t see and, therefore, don’t take responsibility for) are so subtle sometimes that we think “How the f£$%$ did that slip under my nose?” But if you look back, not only will you see what you let slide, but you’ll also thank your lucky stars that the assclown left when (s)he did.
I wonder about my ex from on occasion, I won’t lie. But I’m no longer bitter about it and I learned a few lessons. (And I’m so glad that I never slept with him. I was the same religion as him at that time, so no sex before marriage for me at the time. The break-up would’ve affected me even worse.) I just hope that he hasn’t destroyed other women in the process because despite my having moved on, it’s difficult NOT to believe that “they” are not all like that.
Be glad that the zero left. Now let’s hope that you find a hero (or a…
Sorry, didn’t realize my entry was that long. It should have ended with (or a hero finds you).
Am I happy I found this site. Thank you so much Natalie.
I have been struggling with this issue for 5 weeks and am at the end of my wits. This guy I had a LDR with (long distance being very manageable, actually) that started in December suddenly decided to call it quits at the end of March. He was the one who pursued the relationship, who “assuaged” all my fears about it going too quickly, who asked if I was “available” for him… I tried to pull the brakes a couple of times. He was the first to rush to my town to meet me, then I was invited to his place… where I met his younger daughter, two of his siblings, his best friend and even stayed at his mother’s place. I thought that with this kind of commitment (meeting half the family, and one of his children to boot), and him being 47 years old (I’m 38), he would know what he was doing.
In any case, whenever I tried to go more slowly and questioned his many vows of LOVE (when we basically knew one another so little) he would answer: “I take full responsibility for what I say”.
The last time I visited him everything was fine and I left with plans (forwarded by him) to meet up shortly again. But a week later he IMs me when I was at work and tells me he “lost something” and that his enchantment with me had passed. He asked to be friends. I was so dumbfounded that I only asked whether he was always so quick to tell women that he “loved” them. He said: “Maybe it was my wish to love you… and then again, I can make a mistake, can’t I?” I was in shock. I went into NC… then backtracked and accepted the whole friendship move. We had a couple chats but I had the feeling that he got into the old “girlfriend-that-is-there-for-me-to-tell-all-my-stuff-to” dynamic and it hurt like hell, so I decided to go into NC again. The problem: we’re Facebook “friends”. He posted a couple pics about a marathon he participated in (this was a huge thing for him) and I never commented or textedabout it. Following this, he disappeared from Facebook altogether (totally unusual of him), with the exception of clicking a couple “likes” in 3 or 4 posts I did on my page. What IS that? Am I supposed to react? Not? How? Today, after 20 days of absence, he is suddenly posting again:…
Ignore him.
Beck
defriend him. If that’s too big a step, suspend your facebook account. Okay, you won’t be able to check in with anyone on FB but that’s a good thing and will force you to do something else. You can always sneak back onto facebook if you MUST to peek at what he’s up to. And then suspend it again. Eventually, you’ll get bored with the drama and can block him.
That’s how I weaned myself off my ex who reconnected with me for an affair. He’s blocked from my facbook now.
Think about it, it’s pathetic (I’m not judging I’ve done it too) to burn up time and energy on who’s tagged who or who’s commenting on what or who’s online or what their pictures are. It’s juvenile and pointless. He’s your ex. Let it all go.
Thank you Leisha and Grace for your responses! I feel comforted, and that’s so valuable when one is heartbroken.
Unfortunately, my post did not get fully posted (I exceeded the character number), I was saying that the ex returned to full posting these past 2 days after a 2-week absence that was totally out of character for him. Now he’s back at it again like nothing happened.
I understand in my mind that he was completely immature about the WHOLE thing, not only with the lame and cowardly breakup through Messenger while I was at work. This introducing me to his family (his daughter, for Pete’s sake!) and delivering love exclamations while we barely knew each other yet. But his bolting on me was so sudden, so out of the blue, that I have trouble accepting it yet. I know it’s not about me, I gave it my very best shot and got little in return, maybe he got scared and he certainly had issues (divorced twice, very short marriages, had not been able to have a long relationship since, etc), but his introducing me to everybody important in his life made me feel he was in there for real. And at his age, well… I assumed I was with a MAN, not a boy.
I should have unfriended him in FB, and I did at first when I was so hurt that I couldn’t handle the breakup. But then felt childish myself and thought I could do the “friends” thing he had so nicely proposed while breaking up, so I asked to be FB friends again. When he finally chatted me up in Messenger, it was to talk about him and I realized I still felt hurt and couldn’t manage the friendship etiquette, since he was talking to me exactly in the same terms as when we were a couple, so I was very sweet to him in those few chats but never spoke to him again after the last one. Then came his strange “likes” on my page, his total absence from FB (other than the “likes”), and now his return in full. I know I am being childish following his activity, but I can’t help wondering what he’s trying to do (IF he’s trying to do anything about me).
I think I should follow this site’s advice and stop obsessing about him. He didn’t love me, he didn’t respect me, why o WHY do I keep caring about HIM?
Beck
While I don’t doubt you genuinely liked the guy, sometimes we cling on because we want to “win”. It proves something to ourselves. But in this case, “winning” would be to walk away and get on with your life without him.
It’s not childish to cut him off. I think it’s the brave, adult thing to do. Yes, some people do remain friends with their exes. But there is nothing about this situation which suggests it would be a good idea.
If I knew a man/woman with exes on their facebook, tagging each other, making comments and “liking”, I wouldn’t think “how mature”. I’d think it was juvenile. Though even my 16yo niece wouldn’t behave that way.
Thank you, Grace!
I am sorry I am replying so late, but I was on a long vacation from work and only returned a few days ago.
You are so right. Sometimes we need someone completely removed from our story to throw light into the muddle. The guy continued to “like” my stuff while I was away these last few weeks – I finally decided I had enough and blocked him from my newsfeed (some of his posts were ambiguous), from Messenger and from every post I did on my Facebook page. He has apparently caught on the message and he has “unfriended” me today. And the thing is: it hurts a little, but not as much as I thought it would. And certainly less than it would have if I hadn’t found this site and the great people that comment, share and give advice.
Thank you again, Natalie, and thanks to all of you reading and commenting. You are a godsend!
Ohmygod, blocking an ex like this on Fbook is the best thing you can do for yourself. It’s like they don’t exist! My ex-AC lives about an hour or so away for me (I see your EUM was LD too), so trust me, blocking HELPS. This goes double if they are the type that likes to reconnect via Fbook. I agree that there’s nothing juvenile about it at all – with a flip flapper or any of their ilk, it’s so important to get on with your life and this is a great way to get started. *Hugs*
Absolutely, Natasha, I don’t regret one moment my decision to basically remove him from FB (I didn’t unfriend him, but by hiding him from my newsfeed and never ever responding to his minuscule efforts to show any interest on my profile or looking at his profile, I basically removed him from sight). In the end,
ALL he could manage in terms of “showing he cared” was a couple of lazy “likes” on some of my FB stuff. It seems that after 45 days of me not reacting at all to such overwhelming attentions, he felt offended and, behold: unfriended me!! Whatever. What do these clowns expect? I have spent months listening to all his lame woe stories, being attentive, being THERE, now (after pulling the sudden love you-love you not number) he can’t even manage to write a decent enquiry about me and HE is offended? Because I didn’t mind his “likes” in FB??? Talk about a deluded person. I can’t believe I shed so many tears over this insensitive jerk. Let him be offended. I can do so much better without his “attention” and “interest”.
Hugs to you!
Oy vey, we were involved with very similar guys. Mine used to pout when I wouldn’t change my plans with friends at the last minute to hang out with him, so I can see yours getting in a snit over Fbook! It’s like kindergarten. Was yours jealous at all? Mine used to basically pee all over my Fbook wall whenever any guy friends of mine commented on anything. God forbid I meet someone else before he’s had his fill! I was listening to many Tales Of Woe too and shed many, many tears over a moron, so I totally know how you feel. His actions totally illustrate why he’s useless and good for you for putting boundaries in place. Natalie said in one of her articles on assclowns that if you have boundaries, a relationship with one absolutely will not work, because it’s all on their terms. SO true! High five to you lady for cutting this fool off!
Natasha, mine wasn’t jealous at all, he wasn’t controlling, he was absolutely not an abusive nature. On the other hand, he was basically a Fast Forwarder – he advanced through the early stages of the relationship at an alarming speed. I was so overwhelmed, and he was so quick to lay all my doubts to rest, that I let myself be swept up and downplayed the likelihood of his being irresponsible and thoughtless. I thought he couldn’t be, what with being a dad of two young girls, older than me, etc. What an error of judgment.
Of course, the relationship ended before it had a chance to begin. He cut things off rudely, lazily and out of the blue (through IM, while I was at work) and at first I thought I could pull the friends thing, so I tried… and maybe that’s where he got the idea that I would continue to be available for him to talk about himself. Only, I realized I was hurt, bored and didn’t actually like myself in the role of the ever-present (girl)friend listening to his tales (of woe or otherwise). So I started No Contact, without telling him. After all, he never cared for me one way or the other, why would I have to explain things?
After peeing over my FB profile (love that one!) for a little over a month with his lazy “likes”, apparently he got angry today and unfriended me. I suppose in his mind I should have somehow interpreted that his “liking” some of my posts was indicative of his deep interest in me and that I should have been receptive and friendly and superhappy and obviously the one to MAKE ACTUAL CONTACT, but that is so effed up, I can’t believe I thought I was the one being childish… but it seems he lives through Facebook, which is sad for a 47-year-old dad of two girls.
How did you get over your AC?
Hugs to you!
Thanks Natalie for posting thsi article. I’ve been through this experience and it was complete hell. I was dating a friend of a friend, for almost a year. I was in love. Everything was fine. Then he dumped me out of the blue by phone. No explaination at all. I was in complete shock and then devasted. I phones his friend to ask WTF was going on. She said that he’s always fickle and its not my fault. He texted me the next day, insulting me. EVERYTHING was my fault. He NEVER once told me he was unhappy in the relationship though. Then he said that I have no social skills and no self esteem. Which is BS, I was goos friends with ALL his friends. Then he said that I can’t communicate at all. How ironic hey? Then just to add salt into the wound he said “I should’ve dumped you a long time ago”. I was devasted and depressed for months. Great way to dump someone hey? I was a great girlfriend and never cheated. Now I wished that I had! Its been almost a year and he hasn’t contacted me once. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for being that callous to me. There was no reason for it at all. I’ll never give him a second chance, as I’ll never be able to trust him ever again. I hope that someone will screw this jerk over over- and badly. I was good friends with his friends and I miss them alot. But he told them all lies, so that they would take his side. I’ll never forgive him.
FedUp, I just happened to see your comment and I can totally relate. What this man said to you is outright cruel and I really, really feel for you. You’re not alone – the guy I was involved with basically blamed the whole thing on me as well and that for me was the hardest thing to try and stop being angry about. To sum it all up, he pulled a disappearing act after acting nasty towards me when I’d gone to visit him. This was after he’d begged for another chance. Of course, I got upset and told him I wanted nothing to do with him. He told me that I’d “freaked him out” by getting upset and basically made it sound like I was a nutjob that didn’t understand how stressful his life was. RIGHT. I’m at 4 months NC and, if I’m being honest, I still struggle at times with getting over how awful it was. The one upside to it is it shows you exactly what kind of person you were dealing with and that this guy was no loss. Good for you for recognizing that right off the bat!
I really wish someone would do a disappearing act on my ex. After he dumped and insulted me by text, completely out of the blue. He was callous enough to call me the crazy one! Can anyone make any sense out of this? If he ever contacts me I’ll truelly laugh my ass off
I wish someone would do a chop and vanish on my ex. With absoluely no answers as to why they don’t feel the same. I can only hope
Thank God my ass clown didnt show up for our 1st date. It was a LD relationship but we never commited and I was seeing other people. when we were supposed to finally meet he said Im on my way and never showed up after waiting mnths to meet. What bothers me is hes a PASTOR and many women such as myself would ASSUME hes more trustworthy.Im just glad I know hes an assclown and Ive moved on
It truely is a painful thing to go through. Still never heard once from the ex. I’ll never take him back even if he begged me.
Natalie is it a good idea to send the ex an email? Just to get everything off my chest. I never got a conversation at all. Never got to say how much I hate him, as I was in pure shock. i knew why my ex did this. Its highly unlikely that we’ll run into each other again, so he won’t ever have to deal with the consequences. He turned everyone against me, so no one would tell me why he did a 180 on me. To this day I have 0% closure. He didn’t have the decency to talk to me. He must’ve been hinding something.
I’d pay good money to see my ex get screwed over.
Hi Fedup, this sounds like a pretty awful situation as not only did you get chopped but he did a number on people around you. That said, I’m never going to encourage you to take revenge or pay good money to see him screwed over (I know you don’t intend to obviously), and I’m also cautious of you sending him an email. If you need to get stuff off your chest, you can write out your feelings with an unsent letter. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-library/ That aside, if you do decide to send an email, don’t send it in the heat of the moment or with even the remotest expectation of what you want him to *do* as a result of receiving it. You have to be very honest with yourself and ask if the purpose of your email goes beyond venting to provoking a reaction which equates to attention which often makes us feel temporarily better about a rejection. I’ll be honest with you – someone that chops and lies doesn’t give two figs what you have to say in an email. You are going to have to work through your feelings and grieve the relationship alone because he is of no use to you. He’d only tell more lies.
fedup
I don’t think you should email him, especially not after a year. He’s just going to think you’re crazy and still in love with him. That’s how these people operate. The best you can hope for is no response. What’s more likely is that you’ll get more insults and be even more infuriated. I can’t imagine what he will say to you that will make you feel better. And if it makes you feel better … isn’t there a danger of being drawn back in?
I had to completely cut off a few men because dealing with them was so maddening. Even if it was okay for a while, they would revert to their true selves and I would feel betrayed but mainly mad at myself for thinking they were different to what they were.
If he’s a liar and a coward it really is best to avoid him completely.
He is not going to give you closure. Even if you had a “good” breakup you would still have to work through it on your own without their help. If one of my nieces got cruelly dumped like this the LAST thing I would want them to do is to communicate with the man. It’s dangerous. Have you read “It’s called a break up because it’s broken”. That might be useful in persuading you that this guy cannot help you. At all.
Thanks Natalie. I don’t think that I’ll send a letter. I guess the only purpose is to get it off my chest, as he didn’t even meet me face to face. He robbed me of even having a conversation about it. As he poisoned EVERYONE against me, its highly unlikely that I’ll ever see him or his friends ever again. It makes me wonder what lies he told everyone. I was close friends with his friends. I miss them. I lost a whole group of people, not just a boyfriend. yet he said that I have no social skills! What BS! I wish that someone had warned me about this guy, he is a complete sociopath.
I guess I also wanted to send the letter coz I had a reason to be angry. He was a cruel dumper, yet tells me that I’m the crazy! I did EVERYTHING right: never contacted, went on facebook, begged, pleaded or took revenge [ it was extremely difficult not too]. Yet he wins and keeps all the friends! It makes me angry. What was the point of doing everything right? I just want some karma to kick this guy in the ass. I went through hell. I was depressed for months and lost weight [ I was a AUS size 8 to begin with]. I wouldn’t take this guy back, if he stood on his hands and knees and begged for forgiveness. How do I trust someone again? Its funny I thought that I had a future with this guy. I wanted to evetually marry him! Thank god that didn’t happen.
Fed Up,
By holding on to all of the anger, you are still giving him all the power. Yes, he is a jerk, but haven’t you already invested enough energy into this man?
You know that you have no control over him , but you do have control over you and your life. So, you can continue to hold on to the animosity-for another year- or give yourself a break and let it go.
When you do get to a better place you will recognize there a lot of good guys out there who will treat you with love and respect. I learned a great deal from my experience and when I recognized my participation, I was able to let go and grow.
All the best!
I felt like the ex had got away scot free. How do you deal with that? How do you trust someone again?
Fed Up: You may well be angry for a very long time. It is a natural response but it probably hides a lot of pain. This is a death. Very like a divorce as well but without the legality. Those associated with couples frequently choose to continue their interactions with one of the party rather than with both. I am saying these things so that hopefully you will realise it is not atypical and so will be less inclined to continue to take it personnally. Trust, like so many things that we discover when dating (and with friends and any other meaningful relating that we encounter in this life) is something that we see is possible with some people in most matters, but with others it is situational/conditional. Trust has a broad range; a huge spectrum, and how far you can/should/may trust another can alter ( I wish I could tell you that once you trust someone with your well-being that they will be worthy of it; but I can’t; sometimes conditions change; people change; and sometimes things happen where the party themselves wouldn’t have known they would react in untrustworthy ways.) This is where boundaries and deal-breakers and such come into play. As Natalie has said, everything is contextual. Please don’t let bad experiences stop you from living your life and getting the joy that you can. Learn from the path you have been on and take the lessons forward without allowing them to destroy you. The male and the others whose actions have closed them out from your life are going through their own cycles of doubt and pain and joy. You just aren’t aware of them. Peace.
Fedup
He hasn’t broken any laws (unless he’s stolen, committed financial fraud, raped, assaulted, maimed or killed you, or molested your children or God knows what). I know it’s a cliche but some people HAVE had it worse. They’ve experienced those things. Did you see the girl (Katie) on TV whose face was disfigured/burned to the bone when a man she’d been out with for TWO WEEKS had acid thrown in her face? She could have been blinded.He’s appealing his life sentence. Her lawyer called to tell he about and she was understably ANGRY. But she consciously made the decision to put it out of her mind and get on with her charitable work. And even if he does stay in prison for life (which is likely), she’s still disfigured.
You can’t pay your ex back for what he did. Unless you’re in the mafia, it just doesn’t work like that. It’s another cliche, but the best revenge is to get on with your life. While you are angry and bitter, he’s still affecting you. After a year, it’s time to be a bit hard on yourself and make real efforts to move on. If you really can’t, consider counselling. That’s what I had to do.
Fed up: Natalie’s post on July 19th, 2010 “A tale of Making the Mistake of Being Friends with an Ex Mr. Unavailable (Yes the Fire Still Burns) has some reader responses that I’ll bet you can relate to and might even find comfort in.
FedUp, I’ve felt that way too. I really believe that people don’t really get away “scot free” when they habitually run around messing up other people’s lives. If they’re the type whose conscience never catches up to them, than I really think karma does eventually. My Dad has a very succinct and, if you ask me, terribly eloquent saying on the matter, “If you treat people like sh*t, it will someday bite you in the ass.” In any event, no jackass is worth not trusting people ever again. It takes time (I can attest to that, I’m still working on it), but eventually it’s like, “Heck if I got through that, I can get through anything.” and you’ll realize that not everyone in the world is thoughtless, selfish or just plain old mean. Hope this helps!
Fedup, you trusting someone again and making him pay are not linked together. It’s like saying ‘I can only trust someone again if I ensure that I make him pay for his actions’. What would you punishing this man tell you about trusting others? Would it say ‘Ok I can trust again because at least I know if they eff me over I will make them pay’? That’s not trust.
How do you ‘deal’ with him getting away scot free? You have no idea if he’s gotten away scot free because you have no idea what is happening in his life. Your idea of him not getting away scot free is you being able to witness those consequences, have him experience punishment and ideally asap. People experiences consequences to their actions. It may not be on your beat but it happens. If you spend the rest of your days obsessing about him, that will not be something that you can blame on him. Go and live your life well and do something productive with the energy. Same goes for wondering about why he’s friends with his other flings. It’s like asking ‘Why doesn’t the asshole want to be friends with me?’ You’re not that desperate for attention and friendship
Thanks Leisha and Grace for your advice, you’re both right.
Grace- I did go and get counselling, as no one else understood what I was going through. But I’m unsure how effective it was? It was also expensive and I’m not sure if it help at all.
I just find it weird that my ex completely cut me off. Yet is friendly with his ex flings. And is actually still friends with them
Thank you so much NML for this amazing site- it has been a lifesaver. I don’t have a history of EUM- probably because I have discovered I am EU (uh oh!) – but I was just chopped from a year long battle (I think that is a more apt description than “relationship”) with my first EUM. He’s not an AC- just EU. He resisted discussing anything with me, frequently referred to women as “crazy” (as in: careful, woman, you’re treading the line between woman I love and crazy girl I will sack), and adhered to the “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” philospohy (actually said this to me, several times). I finally got sick of it, asked him why he was acting this way, and bam! all of sudden it’s “i know you want to get married and I just don’t see it. I’m moving back to the UK in 9-12 months. sorry.” first of all- who said I wanted to marry you? but more importantly- that’s it? a year and you give me a 30 second dumping? Luckily he hasn’t contacted me, and I have been strong enough to accept it and haven’t made contact with him since he walked out the door. but i’m really struggling. No matter how much I read – and it is really helpful – I can’t help but internalize this and feel like it was me- something about me that he couldn’t love. but I am working on it.
JB, any man who actually says that he “treats ’em mean to keep ’em keen” is an asshole. You know, both myself and my girlfriends have been involved with guys that were convinced we wanted to marry them when the subject was never brought up once. Hello ego?! This guy did you a favor.
I read someone else’s story that was also similar to mine [can’t remember where frombut its not important]. But the friends of the ex actually kept being friends with them. They were also angry that the persons ex had betrayed them and left a good person high and dry. I read this and I felt jealous. Thats what I thought would happen to me. But instead they all cut me off. So much for “friends”. I hope my ex screws them all over. They deserve it for taking sides and cutting me off.
Awesome article and very helpful at this point in my life. It took me the past few months to realize I’m not in fact going crazy and my ex was an AC and sadly, as even this article reminds us, these things happen.
After almost 3 years of talking about a future, making plans, looking at engagement rings…..when I finally confronted him about a definite time line, he told me he felt pressured, bolted and I haven’t heard from him since. When I called one time looking for answers, I got the coldest tone of voice, followed by “its over, what don’t you understand?!”. Its as if me, our relationship and all the plans & promises never existed. And the funny thing is, he was the one that was more sure of our future, even when I had doubts. I don’t know how people do it – how do you just erase such a big part of your life out of your conscience? I wish I knew the secret b/c I would love to do the same right about now.
This rings so true also for friendships/team mates (not just romantic relationships).
ThanX Natalie for making their actions so crystal clear to me.