“It’s hard to have casual sex without getting emotionally involved,”
Normally I would attribute these words to a woman, but on this occasion, it is to Ben, someone who claims to be amongst a growing number of men who just aren’t into booty calls. Say what?
‘He’s Just Not That Into It’ in Details Magazine examines this sudden change in the wind as men decide that they don’t just get hard and have actually got more emotional capacity than a stone when it comes to indulging in casual sex.
Millions of women have found themselves being unsuspecting one night stands or booty calls because many men don’t have balls big enough to admit that it’s all that they want. Instead, they let these women get sucked into the illusion that they are embarking on the beginning of something beautiful, when in fact, it will meet a very sharp end the moment that they roll off them.
“Isaac says he won’t have sex with someone he’s not emotionally attached to. He once walked away from a no-brainer when a ‘gorgeous’ former student ‘told me she sucks really good dick’ because he felt he couldn’t be giving, as he was emerging from a bad break-up.”
Well it’s nice to know that there are examples of men turning down sexual opportunities that are handed to them on a silver platter, after all, Isaac could easily have had some ‘medicine’ to make himself feel better. I have no doubt that he felt very uncomfortable about slipping her the mickey, but this situation also represents something else – when it’s the woman that’s effectively in control or being blatant about her sexuality or desire for casual sex, it’s just not that exciting.
For many men that habitually engage in casual sex, they like to think that the woman has brought into the idea of being with them and may even be falling in love. I have had many a woman complain of being mistreated by guys because they have been upfront about the fact that they just want the guy for sex. The men on the receiving end of their candidness wasted no time in trying to take chunks out of their character or even trying to reel them in emotionally just so that they could prove a point.
I don’t think it’s fair for women to assume that all guys want sex but unfortunately the type of man that we have often been confronted with out in the dating world isn’t doing very much to dispel this generalisation. These men may be declaring themselves off booty calls but I don’t think they represent the great majority that sleep around.
The article goes on to discuss women believing that all guys want is sex and one man tells of how his sexuality was challenged and how he was badgered for sex all night by one persistent woman; the type of behaviour that if a guy was doing it would have him being called a “monster”. We’re accused of having further double standards when “Guys can be made to feel like dicks for withholding theirs” and that women take sexual rejection very personally.
What we have here is years of misguided social conditioning rearing its ugly head. There are years of repeated behavior coming back to bite men in the ass. By constantly helping to reinforce the idea that women should be up for casual shagging, many women have effectively jumped onto the bandwagon. The words ‘Be careful what you wish for’ have never been more apt!
Now that some women want it just as much as men, it’s just not that much fun anymore. In fact, these men are realising just how damn crass it can be. This is one of those situations where we are damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. When we are more resistant to casual sex, we’re seen as uptight, needy, or even frigid, but when we’re up for it, and even demanding it, it’s suddenly a case of these guys going ‘It’s my ball and I don’t want to play anymore.’
No does mean no regardless of whether it is a man or a woman that’s saying it and the inability to recognise when the chips are effectively down represents a disrespect of that persons wishes. It is wrong that a woman would choose to challenge a guys sexuality and badger him for sex when he’s declined the invitation. In trying to compete in what we think is a man;s world, some women try to think and act ‘like men’ and in this case, it’s not a good act.
Men have been socially conditioned to believe that they are supposed to run out there and sow their wild oats and on the flipside, many women believe that confronted with an easy sex opportunity, no guy will turn it down. It’s a vicious circle. The guys in this article are in tune enough with themselves to recognise the soulless life of constant meaningless sex but unfortunately the women who find themselves in these situations misguidedly think that sex equals intimacy and that the ability to get a man to sleep with you validates them as a person. Hence ‘He doesn’t want to screw me’ now equals ‘There is something wrong with me’ because after all, every guy wants sex don’t they?
To be fair to these guys, I believe them when they say that they really aren’t interested in casual sex or dialling a screw, but I don’t think that we’re about to have a sexual revolution here. I mean really: Wouldn’t all of our Christmas’ come together in one go if there weren’t so many emotionally unavailable men who were just after one thing and they suddenly started seeking committed relationships? Wouldn’t it be great to say goodbye to those annoying guys in our lives that only surface when it’s dark and call us late at night for a shag? Wouldn’t it be great to not have to hang our sexuality out there like a mascot in an effort to fit in with what we think society demands of us out there in the dating world? Wouldn’t it just but I don’t think we’re about to experience the death of the booty call or casual sex in general. Instead, rub your hands together in glee that there are a few more men in the available pool that actually want a committed relationship. Now, now no fighting ladies!
Read all about these guys over at Details Magazine
Add to favorites
I think there is a ‘great divide’ like the one that divides men from boys (the price of their toys?). Mass media, pop music, and political and entertainment icons appear to condone or encourage promiscuous male behavior. Kids in High School and older get this message from TV, movies, news, school events, etc.But some guys see something else. They see respected neighbors and relatives, family friends, focus on loyalty, integrity, and seem to ignore the ‘prettiest’ girls.
Girls go through the same transformation. Girls that in school were the most done-up, fashionable, ‘prettiest’, pick some guy with average looks, moderately low social standing among the ‘cliques’. And they go off and lead a reasonably happy, loyal life together.
What happens? Those that learn to attract dates, to date regularly, learn to date. Those that don’t try to date regularly, don’t live in worry about who they will attract next, tend to learn a job, find someone not interested in keeping a dance card filled or three dates every weekend.
Which means, that after High School the number of ‘commitment oriented’ guys has dwindled severely, leaving mostly those skilled or devoted to dating skills. Girls, too, for that matter. Not only do these older daters have investment in life skills to attract potential dates, that is how they define their social lives. These people won’t stop polishing these skills and honing these expectations until they decide they are wrong. But dating is often fun, so there is little incentive to change, and little guidance on what to do instead. Usually all their friends are also actively dating. Mass media celebrates the values and process of living a committed relationship, in intimate and gory detail, very seldom. It isn’t news, when it should be.
If the women looking for a life mate were to stop dating, and start practicing the values that would enable a lifetime relationship, loyalty, honesty, and a joyful life, they would begin to start recognizing men around them with similar character. Or their friends would introduce the occasional prospect.
Maybe a person could figure out what suitable means to them, find where that type of person might call home, move there, then try to make it their home. Remember the Country song about ‘Love grows in small walls’. Mansions grow social obligations.
Why were some nay-saying guys singled out in this article of NML’s? I imagine they happened to be in transition from dating to living. Moral? I don’t know. I suspect it might be something like, “Drop out of the dating scene, then stick to potential partners that have also dropped out. Meet potential partners through people that you respect.”
Interesting. However, obviously this turning down of casual sex by men or women for that matter, is just with randoms. People that aren’t “sexbuddies” etc.
I don’t go for one night stands myself. I don’t begrudge anyone who does, but it isn’t my style.
I do need to have some kind of knowledge or “vibe” about the person, even though I know it is only about sex and I am perfectly ok with that.
And unlike what Brad mentions above, I AM respected.
I am respected because I know what I want, and I am not playing with anyone’s feelings. There is no B.S. To insinuate otherwise is insulting.
Most men I know LOVE it when a woman makes the first move.
As long as she isn’t overly slutty about it, or embarassing, which is exactly what we like in men that flirt with us, right??
Common sense really. Not a “him vs her” thing at all.
I am also frankly a little put off by the notion that every woman or every single person out there is looking for “the one”.
I am not actively looking for the one, I have a life. If I find “the one” then fantastic, I am looking forward to it. But I am not setting it out as a life’s mission and stop dating or having fun because of that.
Advice telling people to stop dating so they meet “the one” is akin to telling a writer to sit in a room and the words will just come. Sometimes, you need inspiration.
Pretty archaic if you ask me, not to mention unreasonable.
IMO
I am insulted and offended by this post.
“Men have been socially conditioned to believe that they are supposed to run out there and sow their wild oats”
Are you FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME??? Look, I’m a man. I’ve never believed in this. Perhaps that’s why I Didn’t get laid more in college. I didn’t start having sex until 25 when I got my girlfriend, unfortunately a Ms. Emotionally Unavailable.
“What we have here is years of misguided social conditioning rearing its ugly head. There are years of repeated behavior coming back to bite men in the ass. By constantly helping to reinforce the idea that women should be up for casual shagging, many women have effectively jumped onto the bandwagon. The words ‘Be careful what you wish for’ have never been more apt!”
I want to know who decided that all of the men in this world go into one little national headquarters and put together these societal guidelines. I sure as heck didn’t have a part in this trend. And theres a TON of guys who are THRILLED that women are now on their page. It means they can have orgy sex and any sex any time they like and they don’t even have to ask. I for one AM NOT.
If anything, it makes it that much harder for me to find ONE GOOD DECENT WOMAN…who enjoys sex.
Message to the modern age fembots bent on turning this into an ‘Us v. Them”: We’re ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!!! And none of us speak for all of us, so drop the stereotypes!
Wow, I have turned down sex before, yes and then a week later had sex with a completely perfect stranger. I know that deep down I want an emotional connection that makes the act of sex WAY better. Then the mood hits where I just want to go crazy and this chick just happens to be at the right place at the right time and is egging it on. It happens, I stopped caring and placing so much weight on the entire subject. That is just the way my emotions and Hormones can work. It has nothing to do with her being to easy or playing hard to get, cause I could care less. If she caught my attention and I am thinking there may be something there, then I am going to hold out and if she wants to that night, I lost it for her, but i will still have a good time. (situationally dependent)
I will say though, it feels so much more rewarding to lay next to someone you care about after you have had sex, still naked, and talk and joke as you cuddle. much better then rushing to put your clothes on wondering if you should of just went home, and taken care of it yourself. LMAO, I have had too many of those, and when I turned 24, I stopped caring to have anymore. So yeah, us guys can be not in the mood. Or could have some other reasons. Deep down inside, we are human and there is a part in most all of us that wants that special someone, over a hot night of “just sex.”