Following on from yesterday’s post where I shared my experiences of learning to love myself, here is my follow up with my last few suggestions although it is far from being an exhaustive list.
I interrupted my own negativity. At first it was a bit of an effort to cut the negative crap that I suddenly realised was lolling around in my head. It was only as I became very self aware that I faced how much self-doubt, distrust, and secret insecurity was being given a space and a voice in my head. But suddenly as I made myself a priority and vowed to move to a more positive place, I found myself challenging crap that would pop into my thoughts. I started thinking a little more slowly initially and instead of letting my mind wander and ramble so that time could spent daydreaming or imagining situations and conversations differently, I sometimes had to literally tell myself to shut the f*ck up!
I stopped pretending. I like a lot of women, have been guilty of acting happier than I feel and suddenly I had no energy for it. Now it’s not that I went around like a misery guts or cussed people, but instead of pretending I was Miss Sunshine, I acknowledged my emotions so I could understand why I felt the way I did and do something about it. I suddenly realised that certain situations or people made me grit my teeth or had me feeling distinctly uncomfortable so I was able to look at why those situations or people affected me. One side effect is that I stopped pretending that dates were more wonderful than they were and saw them for who they were, but it also forced me to remember all of the times I had secretly heard the words ‘assclown’; ‘tosser’ or ‘jack ass’ in my mind and then smiled sweetly at various boyfriends and reminded myself how lucky I was to be with them…
I started to say no more often. A surefire way to start disliking yourself is to be a yes person. I found that whilst I wasn’t a yes person in general, when it came to my relationships with men or with family, I let things slide and didn’t seem to know when to say no and establish some boundaries.
I stopped worrying about other peoples opinion of me and became more concerned with my opinion of me. I have been guilty of courting too much opinion and worrying what certain people would think if I did X, Y, or Z. I suddenly realised that these people did not extend the same level of concern or worry to me. I needed to be myself, not what I thought other people wanted me to be.
I stopped burying things and began to ‘feel’. I used to boast that I had a fantastic coping mechanism especially for break ups because I seemed to be able to compartmentalise it for a few months and I believed that by the time I thought about it properly, I’d be over it. Actually, I was someone who had become very good at masking pain and masking her true feelings and had become rather numb, but all of the buried pain took its toll on my health and emotional wellbeing. Now if I want to cry, I cry. If I want to be angry, I’m angry but the key thing is that I recognise that my feelings have validity and importance. I’m not pretending for anyone and as a result, I know who I am instead of being a muddled up woman who isn’t sure how she feels about something or someone.
I reminded myself of what I had achieved and what my goals were. I am the type of person that writes lists and then misplaces them but in the case of working out my short, medium, and long term goals, writing the list and becoming aware of my interests and aspirations rooted me back in myself. I didn’t need the list afterwards because what I’d needed was just a reminder of things I could be and do if only I put my own interests at heart. I also stopped knocking myself for things that may have gone wrong and took pleasure in my achievements big and small.
I learned to speak my mind with the people that least expected it. Most people think I’m an extrovert, outspoken, unafraid to speak my mind, but people who I hadn’t established boundaries with or had allowed to run roughshod over me, could no longer do so. I didn’t charge in like a bull in a China Shop, but with the ‘new’ me, the next time that they crossed the boundary, they were in for a short sharp surprise. I didn’t turn into a maniac, but in a calm manner, I told them exactly what I thought of them or why their behaviour was inappropriate. The result – my mother and I clash sometimes but she recognises that the dynamics have changed and some friends, I’m not so friendly with anymore.
I let go of the child within me. Hell I love toilet humour and can get very nostalgic about aspects of my childhood, but I also recognise that I am an adult now and my interactions in particular with family had me reverting to an almost childlike mentality and feeling. I could be in a certain situation and suddenly I felt like I was 6 or 13 again. But doing many of the other things that were helping me to love myself meant that I became more emotionally mature so for instance, instead of every time things didn’t suit me and running off like a child, I wised up and behaved like an adult instead of a scared little girl. The result – I’m not creating child-like drama in my relationships and as a result, I have no interest in recreating drama that I became attuned to as a child and as a result, I have no interest in dubious men of any sort.
As I said, this is by no means everything but it’s a start. What I want to know now is whether this is of any help whatsoever and what you’re doing to break the cycle and move forward.
Your thoughts?
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Since I’ve been reading this blog (for about three months) in the wake of a particularly damaging EUM, I’ve been doing tons of work – in therapy and beyond, and all of what you said in these last two posts are totally dead-on. In fact, my therapist had me read the book “The Drama of the Gifted Child” whose title is misleading – it’s not about child prodigies, but about people who learn to anticipate parents selfish needs at a very early age, ergo learning early to mask their own true selves and how that affects their lives and relationships as adults. A lot of the information I’ve read in that book has helped me to figure out a lot of the very same themes in these posts, and it is so reassuring to know that not only am I on the right path, I’m actually starting to change and feel more like a “real” person – if you know what I mean. AND – the no contact rule is, indeed, actually working and it’s only been a few months. I’m crediting it to no contact plus hard work on myself – – I’m actually starting to forget to think about him, don’t care who he’s with or doing – and even (if you can believe it) forgetting what it’s like to be with him – even what he looks like.
wow, i recently subscribed to your blog and i must confess its been exactly what i need right now. im beginnning to love myself more and get past break ups….. thank you so much
I just ended a relationship with an EUM, and I’ve been wondering if it meant that I didn’t love myself. I just talked to my therapist about it this morning, and he said that it is possible for someone who loves herself to get into a relationship with an EUM. My motivation for getting into a relationship with an EUM was loneliness. I wasn’t lonely in a way that meant I was unhappy being with myself. I just wanted romantic companionship. I had been doing a lot of solitary work, such as writing, and and my friends were spread out throughout my region, so I didn’t see them regularly. During the time I met my EUM, I was unsuccessfully reaching out to be friends with people of the same sex as well. Anyway, when my EUM came, I believed we had made a great connection. Here was this guy, who was a Christian but liberally politically (like I am), interested in literature and the arts as well as community service. He was gentle and soft-spoken. He seemed like a great guy, but it turned out he was passive aggressive, which means he often withheld the truth, distorted the truth or outright lied when I confronted him about things. He behaved as if he were communicating, even though he wasn’t. He lashed out at me covertly, all the while behaving as if he were innocent. It took me a year to realize his true character, which includes being a womanizer and pornography addict. Once I put the pieces together, we have had no contact whatsoever.
This makes so much sense. Thank you.
Hi Natalie and ladies,
I have really been struggling, as you know, with this nice guy people pleaser foe whom I have no feeling of attraction or chemistry. He also doesn’t really interest me and in fact comes across as boring to me. I’ve been so confused. On one hand, I’ve felt nearly obligated to pursue the relationship. After all, he was the opposite of Mark, the EUM. And I’ve worked on this new relationship, and tried a dozen different ways to make him attractive to me. But I finally have given myself permission to see he has his own issues and they aren’t good for me either. I kind of thought wow, he wants to please me, do things for me, make me happy. People on your site have suggested I don’t like him because I secretly don’t love
myself and therefore anyone who loves me is bad.
But finally I’ve given myself permission to realize I’m just settling with him. Yes, he wants to please me. But does that make him a good, whole man for me? NO! I miss a man with a sense of humor, with an active intellect. I deserve better than this man who, although he isn’t actually EUM, he has his issues. And seriously, at my age, I’m sick and tired of being a therapist to anyone. This guy thinks he is madly in love with me and wants to live together. The EUM didn’t realize I was good enough to love and as you explained in your article a few days ago, I was talking myself to death trying to explain why I was, the one. With this people pleaser, I’m explaining to him why his very niceness makes it impossible for me to see him as a whole, strong man, with opinions and needs etc.
I am done finding myself explaining any of this stuff to any man anymore.
This is my step towards loving myself. I no longer need to be with anyone, and especially with a man who for whatever reason, makes me feel its all wrong.
By the way, I’m going back to school!
I had to work really hard to stop knocking myself and be proud of me and of my accomplishments. I finally realized that the voice inside my head that was doing the knocking was not mine but my mother’s. Now, I just tell it shut the f*ck up, pat myself on the back, and go on with my life. I also had to change the relationship with her. That was a hard one, but one necessary to succeed and to survive. Life is good. Thanks for all you do NML.
Wendy, At least you gave it a shot with the nice guy. He just wasn’t right for you. I started going back to school a year ago to get my MBA. It keeps me very busy. I hardly have any time to think about men let alone date. Plus I am putting all my energy into myself and making a better future for me and my son. Good Luck!
Some days I feel that in many ways I am still a child—actually a 16 year old. It’s been three weeks of no contact and this is one of the bad days…Had some bad news at work but budget cuts and well, it would have been nice to go home and reach for the phone….but I didn’t. Then instead I sat there staring at my empty inbox–I know he’ll only email when its convenient for him and if he wants something–being upset he hasn’t emailed. Just like the 16 year old who says “You can’t break up with me becuase I’m breaking up with you!” I embarassed (the only good thing is that none of my friends know I am thinking this).
So today I am doing some of the things I love to do and tonight going out with friends (we had scheduled this long ago and boy was I happy to see Wednesday roll around!)
Thank you so much for all the advice…there’s lots of work that I need to do and now I feel like I have the tools with which to start
Hello all, this is for Wendy–I think it is important to take each new relationship at face value. In other words, try not to overanalyze things and compare a new potential relationship to your ex-EUM. I know that’s hard to do, but so necessary in order to truly move on and work toward a healthy relationship. This guy you are with now probably just isn’t the one for you. That doesn’t mean you have made another wrong choice! I still believe in chemistry and connection and all that, and you probably just don’t “feel it” with this one. That is no reflection on you, it just means you are paying attention to your inner voice, which is what we all should do!
Hi everyone,
I am not sure if its possible to go back to all the injuries we experienced as kids that made us feel badly about ourselves and get over it. Like just about every woman on Natalie’s site, I too had an emotionally abusive and remote dad and a remote mom. Both highly critical, neither made me feel I was good enough, hence my involvement with EUM and myself being emotionally unavailable too.
I see myself in just about everyone of Natalie’s posts, have been with EUM all my adult life, have been addicted to drama, have made these men the center of my life, and have done everything possible to be with people who assist me in lowering my already low self esteem into oblivion.
Thanks to Natalie’s one on one’s with me as well as going to this site and reading everything I can daily, and her books. I have gotten some insight into my poor behavior and its helped..
What I’m doing for myself these days is just taking baby steps to nurture myself and be responsible for my decisions. I’ve stopped spending money I don’t have which was a self destructive behavior I used to engage in to avoid looking at how screwed up my love(less) life was. I am spending more quality time with my grown kids and the one teen I have left with me at home. I spend more time with women friends, I’m watching movies I’ve always wanted to see but didn’t get around to seeing, reading more, taking longer walks with my dog. I”m eating better and doing more yoga. I’m going back to school to learn how to do manicures and pedicures on older folks and feel great about that decision.
I’m getting over the EUM I was with for two years.
I really appreciate the advice from Suzie and Finally Over It. I did rush into a relationship with this Mr. Nice Guy mainly because he appeared to be the opposite of my EUM. But it is settling and he isn’t right for me. I think he uses his “niceness” to violate my boundaries in some ways. Here I am lying on the couch at 10pm recovering from my root canal and cuddling with my dog when he calls again, to see if he can come over and do something to “help” me. I had already told him repeatedly that when I feel crappy, I need to recover alone. He had bought me flowers but I asked him to leave them at the door. As nice a gesture it was, I knew he wanted to come in, sit with me, touch me, talk, etc. And I so didn’t want that.
I am now realizing its important to be in a relationship with a guy simply because he is attractive to me emotionally and intellectually and that there is some chemistry. Being with someone simply because they are the opposite of the last EUM is still being somehow captive to that part of me that engages in EUM’s.
I only write all this because I realize that this is how I am slowly but surely recovering from my EU and learning to love myself. For the first time in an extremely long time I feel choosing to be single and not date is truly ok. Thanks to all of you! Wendy
Thank you so much for this series. I am going through the same process of searching and your insights and articles are helping immensely. They have been a great source of support.
Hi everyone
I am also on the journey….apart from reading, and keeping a journal, I have found meditation is helping me.
I have been guilty of over analyzing each relationship, especially after there has been alot of hurt. There are some great websites around, where you can download their meditations onto an ipod etc, and then listen to in bed or, in a nice candle lit bubble bath 🙂
Has helped me get out of my “chatter box” head and into my heart…
Hope this helps.
Oh, I am soooo glad I found this site. I can not believe how on the mark
you are. I have been stuck in a pit of emotional mud for over a month from a recent break up. I’ve been reading and searching for “answers”. I had heard about needing to “love yourself”, but never found How to do it. Yes, I have the same parental issues, and am a pleaser afraid to ever make someone else aware of what I need for fear of hurting their feelings. I keep clinging to this ex because he loved me and I am afraid no one ever will again. But I need to get it under my skin that I NEED TO LOVE ME.
Thank you for all of you effort and insight.
WendyG
Oh, I am soooo glad I found this site. I can not believe how on the mark
you are. I have been stuck in a pit of emotional mud for over a month from a recent break up. I’ve been reading and searching for “answers”. I had heard about needing to “love yourself”, but never found How to do it. Yes, I have the same parental issues, and am a pleaser afraid to ever make someone else aware of what I need for fear of hurting their feelings. I keep clinging to this ex because he loved me and I am afraid no one ever will again. But I need to get it under my skin that I NEED TO LOVE ME.
Thank you for all of you effort and insight.
WendyG
Sorry, I sent it twice
WG
thank you so much for this advice! i’m new to this site, and can’t tell you how relevant it is to me and my life.
i was engaged, and broke it off two months ago after i found out he cheated. fell into a pattern of seeking attention and approval from a man who manipulated me. i wanted whatever attention i could get, b/c i didn’t have to strength to love myself.
thank god, now i’m out of it.
i was working on healing myself, learning to love myself again, and then, once again, fell into a ‘pseudo-relationship’ w/a male friend. i found myself just seeking attention and comfort from him. i’ve realized now, no one else will fill that void. i need to work on myself, love myself and appreciate myself before jumping in again. otherwise, it’s the same pattern just repeating itself…
ndug01,
You express yourself really well and I completely identify with what you wrote. I realize that with my EUM and perhaps with yours, I was seeking his attention and approval, knowing I would never get it, because my self esteem was so low that I didn’t think I deserved anything from anyone. And he was capable of making me feel worse about myself than I felt about myself alone. I’ve fallen into a relationship with a people pleaser, whose goal is to give me attention and comfort. And that doesn’t feel good either. I too need to work on loving myself.
I don’t know if I’d know a healthy relationship if it came along and bit me in the ass.
Hey Natalie! A new topic!
Take much care, Wendy
Wendy, why not break up then with the people pleaser??
Hi Astelle,
Great question! I’m weak, I’m taking advantage of him., I’m not sure…. I see he is trying. He actually bought books on womens sexuality and relationships which impressed me. I don’t really know what I want. On a certain level I know I am settling because there are other qualties about him that make him not right for me. I am a way more outgoing person than he is. He is content being home cooking, I am an avid reader, theatre goer, into movies, art, people. He would do all that for me but not because he independently wants to. But he has some qualities I find comforting. I am very confused about relationships, what I want in one and what makes one good. I seriously don’t know? What does make a relationship worth keeping and worth working on??
Wendy
wendy, thanks for your input!
i’ve just come to a stage in life where i’ve noticed my past patterns in relationships and also realized i have never really spent time alone. i accept the fact that i want a relationship in the future, but really need to develop the relationship i have w/myself.
i recently began journaling and meditation in an effort to understand what it is i really want from myself, and also a man. a lot of the time i was getting involved with anyone just for comfort’s sake…not healthy, and always resulted w/poor outcome.
learning to appreciate myself and show gratitude for what i’ve been given so far is really an effort, but i’m working on it 🙂
ndug01,that is so well put. You sound like you are feeling centered and strong now. That is inspirational. I need to quit getting into relationships for the wrong reasons. I’m still not sure what the right reasons are though……
Wendy,
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you are stringing Mr. Pleaser along for YOUR benefit, until you know what YOU want. Didn’t the EUM do that to you?
Cut Mr. Pleaser loose so that you are free to come to terms with yourself and be available when you meet the right guy.
You say that you don’t really know what you want, I don’t agree, we all know what we want, you are making excuses and keeping Mr. Pleaser from finding somebody else that want to commit to him.
You know, I started dating again and I follow my gut and if it feels right, I know all the red flags. Have not found a keeper yet, so I keep on looking but I will never
string somebody along, I know that hurts, happened to me with my EUM. Do you really have to have a man?
Hi Astelle, I love what you wrote. Do I really have to have a man? And the answer is I hope not. Of course all my life I’ve had one and I”m old. I’ve found my value in knowing someone else loves/wants/needs me or, in the case of the EUM, doesn’t.
Alot of it is what Natalie writes about- how these EUM reflect back to us all the negative/critical things we think about ourselves. They are the mirrors for our lack of self esteem.
I am in recovery from the EUM men of my past and no, I don’t need this nice guy. But, there are some things about him that I do like. I am seeing him less and am moving along with new things for me, like going to beauty school to become a nail tech at my age! Mr. Pleaser is free to date other women, he chooses not to.
I really appreciate your thoughts on this however, and I intend to think it all over some more. I don’t want to do to him what my EUM did to me, so I am trying to be more honest. Not that that comes easy either.
Thanks, Wendy
Wow, NML, that’s all I can say. This post and the one before “learning to love myself” – exactly where I am now, and what I’m going through. Yes, it is helpful. Shockingly on mark how I feel – I know why I’m where I am, and that I’ve been chosing men who mirror my own feeling of low self-worth, and I allow them to make my self-esteem even lower, though that doesn’t seem possible. I know I need to learn self love.
I heard these words recently from my therapist (paraphrasing): That on the outside I look like a successful, smart, thin, pretty attractive woman who is confident, and most people wouldn’t see my insecurity or pain – but with EUMs, you are attracting what you are, and they somehow can see the insecurity, and prey upon it in a cruel way.
Still don’t know HOW to love myself, but NC with a particuarly suave and cruel EUM for 3 weeks now has been a good start. I believe CONSISTENCY is key. You are so right – it’s not just a finish line. It’s a continual awareness, and yes, the peace that replaces the pain and drama is so much better. That’s where I want to be, and will not date for as long as it takes to be in a stronger place.
THANK YOU – NML, and prayers and support to women on this site.
One clarification in earlier post: Probably due to my background, I am a perfectionist, and never feel pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, good enough. Hence the description from therapy. For me, part of self love is accepting and loving myself as I am – very difficult. But, I hope, not impossible!
I like your new way of life becuase you see your way of thinking how you were i’m just the same now and have to breakout out of it.