As women, I feel we’re socialised to spend copious amounts of time and energy wondering what other people think and seeking confirmation that we are all the things we think we are or want to be. I’ve written about seeking validation in relationships on a number of occasions, but today, I want to home in on the desire to be The Good Girl.
When you’re The Good Girl, you worry about what people think of you even when they’re mistreating you.
How can you assign so much power and importance to someone when they are not acting with love, care, trust, and respect? Aside from that, it’s important to use your own judgement, gut, and instincts because not doing so is ‘bad’ for your relationship.
As The Good Girl, you worry about whether someone who didn’t value you in a relationship will value you now that it’s over.
If someone didn’t give a monkey’s in the relationship, though, why will they now that you’re out of it?
The Good Girl worries about being liked by her peers.
You worry about keeping the peace so end up avoiding conflict and compromising yourself and/or compromising too soon.
Conflict is a necessary part of life and it’s unavoidable. This doesn’t mean we have to create conflict for conflict’s sake but we must recognise and accept that conflicts can and will arise. If we seek to avoid, pre-empt, or resolve quickly without full acknowledgement of what caused the conflict, we’re compromised.
The Good Girl worries about failing but is equally worried about being successful and how others will perceive it.
This puts you in no man’s land. How can this be a good thing if you live in fear and limit yourself over the what-ifs and maybes while these very people get on with their own lives? If people don’t want to see you happy and successful, they’re not people who should be in your life.
As The Good Girl, you worry about about doing the ‘right’ thing. Unfortunately, because of your negative beliefs about you, your idea of what’s ‘right’ often means doing wrong by you.
Is it really the right thing to not only allow someone to act without love, care, trust, and respect towards you but to also mistreat yourself in the name of being ‘right’?
The Good Girl adopts other people’s values but doesn’t stop to re-evaluate when something causes pain or to be out of alignment with her values.
Your values are personal. You can’t take on values that don’t represent you and that you don’t believe in. While religious beliefs, for example, can be important and represent values, it’s crucial to make sure they’re congruent with your values and beliefs. If you don’t, you’ll be conflicted, and that serves no-one–not you, your religion or who you believe in.
As The Good Girl, you think about what they think, feel, and do, and what they need, desire and want, and neglect to ask yourself if any of these things are in line with what you think, feel, and do, and what you need, desire, and want.
Take the focus off them and bring it back to you. While you’re being ‘good’ you’re not looking to check whether you actually feel good. Men, for example, are not the centre of the universe. If they’re thinking about themselves, and you’re thinking about them, who’s thinking about you? You can be ‘good’ and love yourself at the same time.
The Good Girl worries about how things ‘look’ even though she doesn’t see things as they are as she’s too busy dining off illusions.
How can you even start to get real if you’re cloaked in illusions and basing your perception of things on half-truths and a big imagination? If you’re unwilling to see how things look, why worry about how it may look to others? They might actually be seeing it in a real light.
The Good Girl tries to see the best in people and only focuses on the ‘good points’ even if these are only 5% of the person.
It’s not ‘good’ to be so blinded and narrowly focused about people. Ignoring the reality of a person is not only foolhardy but extremely disrespectful to the other person, which is not that good at all. You’re seeking to ignore everything that doesn’t suit, so you can keep dreaming and be ‘good’.
As The Good Girl, you focus on what you have in common instead of looking at the person as a whole and checking the impact of what you don’t have in common.
It’s good to see the commonality. It’s crucial, though, to see the differences but also to see the whole person in context. Whatever the commonality is may be weak, and it’s not enough to foster a relationship or to keep trying if the differences are even greater and potentially damaging.
The Good Girl wants to be loved even though she doesn’t love herself very much or at all. She claims to love others ‘unconditionally’ but ends up loving and trusting blindly and loving without limits.
You’ll eventually see that good love starts at home with the unconditional love of yourself. This totally changes the type of people and relationships that you’ll seek out and be comfortable with.
We want to be The Good Girl, that woman who plods on beaming a smile while crying internally. She keeps on being nice, kind, generous, understanding, likeable, turning a blind eye, and seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses.
The Good Girl is ever-loving, ever-forgiving, ever-trying, ever-nice. No matter how long someone disappears for or the mistreatment, when they emerge from their rolling stone, she’s there. And when this person says things will be different for the 50th time, she believes them.
The Good Girl loves and trusts blindly because she wants to believe the best in every situation and person, even when there is evidence that suggests otherwise. The Good Girl has worked out What Good Girls Do. And even her efforts yield negative results, she believes that eventually, The Good Girl ‘wins’ no matter how dangerous a gamble. She believes that on one of these days, between luck, fate, someone falling out of the sky, or one of her exes deciding to make her an exception to their rule of behaviour, her prince or princess will come.
How important is it for you to be The Good Girl?
Life isn’t quite so black and white that people can be divided easily into good and bad, but what if while you’re being The Good Girl, you’re being The Bad Girl to yourself?
Nobody has asked you to lay yourself out on the sacrificial altar. It’s critical to realise that you are near damning yourself by pursuing a vision of something that’s detrimental to your sense of self and enjoying healthy relationships. Why?
Because aside from all of the reasons above, you’re more focused on being ‘right’ and being ‘good’. Your actions and mindset are focused on proving you’re ‘right’ and ‘good’ and getting others to ‘see’ this. There’s also a fairy-tale ending mentality. You think you’re going to be rewarded with a happy ending for your Good Girl efforts.
You’re so eager to be ‘right’ and ‘good’ that you’ll suffer to maintain your image. But how ‘good’ can this possibly be? This is especially so when your actions get lost in translation and you communicate all of the wrong things about yourself in your half-baked attempts to be ‘good’.
You’re blinded by your desire to look good and carry on regardless even though it yields crappy results because you think that ‘good people’ get rewarded.
‘Good people‘ who lack boundaries and an awareness of values get taken advantage of. A lot.
We have to examine our need to control other people’s perception of us. For a start, if you know you’re good, you’re good. You don’t need someone else to confirm that. Be careful of obsessing about not being a bad person. The fact that you worry about that a lot is a sign you’re not a ‘bad person’! Loving yourself, acting with love, care, trust and respect, seeking mutually fulfilling relationships and opting out when they’re not — these are all good things.
Being The Good Girl is not about:
1) Having little or no boundaries because good girls let people do as they like, or
2) Not respecting your own values because good girls always win, or
3) Always saying yes.
Have an honest conversation with yourself. Start being authentic for authentic relationships instead of trying to be ‘good’ and ‘nice’ to your own detriment. NO is not a dirty word. Use it, define your limits, but also open yourself up to more positive yeses.
Life is not about being The Good Girl. It’s about being your authentic self with boundaries, values, and a healthy dose of self-love. Instead of obsessing about being The Good Girl, get into being you.
Your thoughts?
The following podcast episodes and blog posts are really helpful for diving deeper into this subject and taking care of you:
- It’s not that you’re not ‘good enough’; you’re over-responsible (ep 158)
- About feeling over-responsible (ep 33)
- Breaking free of roles (ep 128)
- About feeling guilty all the time (ep 192)
- The Under-Receiving Over-Giver
- Are you an over-giver? People who give too much
Being The Good Girl makes you highly receptive to being in an unavailable relationship. Discover the truth about emotional unavailability and how to break the pattern in my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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Best post ever. Like looking in a mirror. thanks NML.
Right on again. Guilty as charged.
“You’re so eager to be right and good that you will put yourself through a hell of a lot of pain to maintain your image.”
Of course because I am the good girl/victim in all this – see what an ahole he is, how bad he treats me, its his fault, how could anyone not just love me – I’m the good girl – at any price.
Been there done that. I can see it clearly and admit that I did do this countless times – to paint them as the bad guy when I was accepting bad behavior and staying in to keep the good girl image up.
Owning your part in it can sting but is necessary for change. I accepted bad behavior – I could have left at any time. I thank God those days are over. It all comes back to primary core values and beliefs, defining boundaries and loving yourself enough to hold them in place. Thank you for all you have taught me – deep down I think I knew it but could not define it nor knew how to act on it. Its clear to me now thanx to you pointing it out so clearly – painfully at times – but clearly.
Love this article:) I’ve been thinking about this lately. This also goes for ‘nice guys’. We really don’t like ‘nice guys’ but guys who also know how to say no and don’t revolve around us like some doormat. Same goes..nobody likes a nice girl with no boundaries.
Drica
Definitely, good guys are unattractive when they let the woman step all over him. same goes with women.
Great post!! The main reason why I kept myself strung along to my EUM after the very first “this doesn’t feel right” moment… wanting to be NICE. I kept responding out of wanting to be perceived as the nice girl, the cool girl. And its true, once I went NC… I got told I was being a bitch and not nice. How cruel of me. It can really play mind games on you when you are not self aware of your values and boundaries. I basically lost a friend over this very issue as she is being used by various EUM’s and after I pointed out that I think she needs more boundaries, etc she said that NC was not nice and basically dropped me. Which is fine. You can’t get it until you get it… I know it took me a looooong time to get it. Thank god I finally did. Thanks again Natalie!!
I remember an ex-AC telling me to,”be good,” “be nice.” That meant he could run all over me while I just accepted it. Once I was good to MYSELF and left him, he called me evil, mean, selfish, etc. There is a difference in being nice and good to people we are involved with and being “the good girl.”
This article really hit home for me, this line below ive oftern thought, written down and even said out a loud to people.
because you think that ‘good people’ get rewarded
I believed for a very long time that if just persist in being kind, nice,a good person that good things will come my way. That a good guy would finally see ME. It never happend instead i got walked over and treated like crap over and over again. Now im 40 and i feel like i have wasted 20 years on trying to develop a meaningful relationship with someone. Id also wonder, why is that that girl over there who is a pain in the ass, always bitching and moaning or doing wrong by her partner YET getting all the rewards? Yet i do none of that and get turfed aside time and time again?
Now i dont believe it at all, doesnt matter how nice of a person you are or how much you put in it. Frankly im at the point where i dont give a dam about what people think anymore. Ive also become quite selfish, i literally find it difficult now to give a dam about anyone but myself. I figure all that great stuff i so freely gave out to undeserving people, now goes to ME. Now im just embracing being alone and building my life. If i meet someone worthy along the way so be it if not then at least ill have my own life.
I spend my time on me, working on boundaries, confronting people, not over giving, my confidence and understanding abdonment issues along with trying to cultivate my life to something whole and rewarding.
Im very protective over me now, i feel i have a lot to give but now i protect my friendship, loyalty and love as a vaulable resourse which is not available to anyone or everyone.
The one thing i do need to be careful on right now is swinging into bitter town!!! Ive just come out the other end of the grief process from my last relastionship. I feel failry exhausted. Sometimes when i look back on all this, the last 20 years i start to feel bitter especially when i see people all around me who cheat, lie and what have you but ended up in great realtionships, having familys, buying houses together and being happy. I have a friend who has everything and yet she is about to embark on a affair. How do you stop the bitteness when you see that?
take care everyone
I completely hear you….I’m 41 and I’ve teetered in “bitter town” for all the same reasons you mentioned. I’m hoping that it gets easier to stop beating myself up for the time I wasted. Maybe a different way to look at it is…….How wonderful it is that we see clearer then we did the last 20 years because there will be sooooo many women out there who will never see it in time. (That’s just my attempt at a positive spin on the situation). Many hugs to you =)
“i see people all around me who cheat, lie and what have you but ended up in great realtionships, having familys, buying houses together and being ‘happy.’ I have a friend who has everything and yet she is about to embark on a affair.”
Think about it–exactly how solid are these relationships and how happy are the people in these relationships if they’re preparing to embark on affairs and if they know they’re involved with liars and cheats? In the cases you’ve mentioned, it’s all for show.
Most of what Natalie’s been saying on her blog revolves this issue. People are willing to be treated like crap, sacrifice self-respect and their core values to be in relationships, and often they live in severe denial to in order to continue that existence.
You can avoid bitterness by embracing the fact that you’re not intimately and financially (with the house) tied to a liar and a cheat, and you’re not subjecting your potential children to such a dubious co-parent. Trust me from experience…the children suffer.
Such people are users anyway and these types relationships you mention are often little more than a business relationship.
But a lot of people marry the wrong person or get married for the wrong reasons because they want to be the “good girl” or the “good guy/son”. They marry because they are expected to, because it’s time to settle down, pressure from parents, friends, etc.
It’s the ultimate validation for the “good girl” to be able to get a big ring from a nice guy, IMO.
Good post Trinity. You’re on the right path. The bitterness will evenutally fall away. I battle with; “Something is wrong with me” after getting involved with EUM’s. I thought I had come so far after being divorced for 10 years! And boom last year I met TWO EUM’s. All I think about is “how did I attract them”. Didn’t even realize my thinking in all of this.
Life is dance. We learn as we go. I really, truly thank God for Natalie and her wisdom. I’ve learned so much and so have you Trinity! Keep reading. We are not in denial, so we will be alright! EUM’s are in denial.
Thanks Virginia. Get to the root by checking out your beliefs about love, relationships and yourself. Have you got my beliefs guide? If not, I’ll send you a copy.
“you think that ‘good people’ get rewarded but what you don’t realise is that good people without boundaries and an awareness of values get taken advantage of. A lot.”
This really sums it up for me!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a “good girl” as long as you are good to yourself [first!!]…… Everything that comes after will be a reflection of that philosophy. Without boundaries, I spun out of control trying to make parents happy, friends / family happy and then eventually the ACs. It only seemed to make matters worst with them and I was absolutely, mind-numbingly confused / angry.
I haven’t mastered taking complete care of myself yet but you can bet that my comfort comes first. If someone does something that doesn’t feel right or simply feels “off”…I’m paying attention to my feelings (or gut) on the matter. I don’t assume that I’m reading things wrong (like before). I don’t assume the best about the other person (like before). I’m not wicked mean….i’m not overly sensitive….i’m not hyper-conscious of offenses….I simply pay attention. And I stick up for myself the same way I would for someone I love or for someone who was being victimized. By doing this, I take back control for me and my life. I take control for my decisions and the results I want. It’s certainly not a science and I seem to need a lot of practice but I’m worth taking care of…..it took me three years on this site to realize that. Thanks NML for helping me get my life back =)
This is so close to describing the stage I am in. I am also learning to give my intuition a much greater place of respect in interactions. Sometimes I am shocked that I have been reading, thinking, writing on this site for a year and a half.
But when i really think about it, that time is nothing in the big picture. I am confronting decades of behavior that I have lived and learning to change some really strong habitual beliefs and behaviors that are not serving me well anymore.
I am learning that I need to give myself plenty of the love and good treatment that I so easily and habitually give to others. It’s a balance, and I do believe we have to give and receive to have a meaningful existence…. but I need to remember to make sure I am giving and receiving to me, that I am acting with self love in my life at all times.
So, I might say that I do want to be a “good girl” of sorts, but that means good to myself at all times, and then be good to others who also understand and appreciate the give and take of self love at all times.
“We try to do the ‘right’ thing even though when we have skewed beliefs about stuff, what we think is ‘right’ may actually be the ‘wrong’ thing for us.”
Great stuff Natalie. Being good does not equal doing the ‘right’ thing and it is written that all ways can seem right to a man – ie we can convince ourselves of anything.
We do need a moral compass and for many this comes from a religion. However as above – we also need to consider the teachings of that religion and decide if it is also right for us. eg sometimes the interpretation taught by a particular leader may not necessarily be the actual teaching per the Bible or other Holy Book.
One of my favourite lines is “Be still and know I am God.” I love this because when we are still and look within – we do know what is right and wrong – it is already in our hearts. This can be seen by watching children the world over – if they do something wrong it is the natural reaction to hide it or deny it. And yet if they are doing the right thing – living life, enjoying, learning, helping others, not hurting others… they are just happy.
I aim to be more childlike today!!!
I see this in my own family. I’m a twin and have 2 younger sisters. I’m the peace maker, the one who never likes conflict and wants everyone to get along.
Same with my relationships my whole life with men. Always wanted to please, would do say anything to get along even if it meant pushing down my feelings/wants/needs because I never wanted to rock the boat. All that got me was a whole lot of pain/anger/self-hatred.
Like I’ve said here more than once….If you’re going to act like a doormat sooner or later you’re going to get stepped on.
I just read CHASTENED by Hephzibah Anderson…..her story of a year without sex. Her experience has inspired me to seriously consider taking a vow of celibacy for a year. This is a huge boundary for me. Is this the best thing I can do to protect me from making a big relationship mistake? Willl this make me the GOOD GIRL that I need to be peaceful? Does this work? I really like men and sex but I am tired of all the disappointment in dating.
I did it for a year. 2009 was a dry year. No relationships, no sex, no dates. I did find my peace. I had broken up with my boyfriend the October previously after 3 fantastic years with him. He was my first real love but we wanted different things in life. I dated that December (2008) but I was just hollow inside. So, 2009 became a year ‘for me’.
I’ll give you an example as to how it made me stronger. Like you, I love men and love sex. I met a guy at a wedding in Nov 2009. He was gorgeous and we had a great laugh. He had a partner who wasn’t at the wedding and they were both emigrating the following day. He came back to my town in December (on business) and we met up for a drink. Had a great night and at the end of it he kissed me. Now, I hadn;t even had a snog in a year and this was a great kiss. He invited me back to his hotel room that night and it would have been sooooo easy to go. But I said no and I told him why. I cannot believe I had it in me!! I wanted to, I really, really did…but my values stood firm. He still stays in touch. He’s back here at the end of this month and wants to go for a walk and a talk with me!!
So, I can highly recommend a year off. Beware though, I thought I was ready to return to dating and met someone Jan 2010. I finished it 2 weeks and 3 days ago – classic EUM. Separated guy, thought he was over her…he isn’t. But I broke my own rules with him. I got intimate too quickly because I was horny and ended up with a broken heart. Kinda feels like all the good work was undone. So, just beware!!
This is exactly what I am talking about:
1. after the age of 22, at the latest, DON’T actually choose to BE a virgin, b/c:
A. though 80% of men want virgins for marriage (per a recent survey/poll), guys don’t have enough introspection and self-analysis to know exactly WHEN they will be ready for marriage, and, in the meantime, they DO know that they always want sex, so, logically, of course, they pursue and/or ask out the women who they KNOW will give it to them (if not right now, then eventually);
B. because of the above (part “A”), most women (98%…yep!) are NOT virgins by the time they are 25 years old…so most men of “marriage age” are not even EXPECTING a woman to be a virgin anymore! (Despite this being the Ideal Woman for 80% of men!!) So, despite the fact that this is the type of woman that most men ideally DO want for a marriage partner, they KNOW it is hard to find. Also, even when they DO find it, they get scared to death, assert that there is “something inside of them that makes them scared” (meaning that their feelings make them scared, of potential rejection from this Ideal Woman, seen as if she is in an Ivory Tower, that is), and, guess what, they end up NOT asking her out! (…EVEN, and sometimes especially, THE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE MEN.)
2. So…the answer is to:
A. NOT be a virgin, definitely not after the age of 22–if you don’t meet a man who wants you by the age of 22 and you have your act together, everything going for you (looks, weight, family, education, money…, you name it), and you are a “clean slate” and have not allowed yourself to be used by any man (love-of-your-life or not) for sex, then you really don’t owe ANY man (whether you want them or not) your virginity; (sorry to say, but true)
B. Be someone who they CAN expect sex from (and, yes, their expectation is based on your past, in other words, the man’s knowing/suspecting that you have had sex); this way, you will get asked out, so the ball gets rolling;
C. Withhold sex (this way, they have the feeling that they are special, that they still have the “thrill of the chase”, that you are a “quasi-virgin”–if not the real thing, the Next Best); AND:
D. If he EVER DARES, in a fight, for example, to point to you and say, “hey, you had been with HOW many guys before me?” or if he EVER dares to call you a slut/whore/easy/used-goods/etc., then you can smile and say, “Honey, you knew the deal; and you CHOSE me. Why didn’t you choose a little nice-girl-virgin when you had the chance? Didn’t you have the confidence that you could get a girl like that? And, pray tell, how many girls like that did you ACTUALLY date? Does a woman like that REALLY exist?”
Even if they do exist, they are S.O.L. in the Love Department, usually!
(So, Trinity, NO ONE in this game of “Love” is a winner!)
Anyways, the above solves ALL issues of this sort with men, from madonna/whore-complex men to the men who just don’t care either way what you have done in your past!
Funny, there are men looking to get married who complain nowadays about the fact that no truly nice girls (virgins) exist. I tell them, “It’s your (guys’) fault! You reap what you sow!”
🙂
You’re welcome, ladies!
Oh, BTW, CMG, though you are starting on the right track, don’t get involved with a guy who is EU–this guy you mention has already TOLD you that he has a partner. (Unless that status has changed.)
Dear Natalie,
Oh, thank you again.
I learned the hard way as a young woman that there is a difference between being a good person, being good to myself and being a doormat.
And I prefer not to be stepped on. If I compromise my beliefs, my integrity, my dignity, I might as well go back to one of my ex ACs who mistreated me and lay down on his front door.
I learned that I have to live with myself. If I don’t respect myself, who would respect me?
If I don’t treat myself and act dignified, who would see me and treat me in the same light?
There were things in my past that I have no choice on, but I still did it with dignity such as raising my child on my own when my child’s father left. We don’t even know if he is alive, however, after I kicked him out of my house and our lives, the AC had the audacity to try to come back into our lives shortly after. How would I be able to live with myself if I had taken him back after he had mistreated and disrespected me. Life wasn’t easy, but I did it with dignity.
Some people call it pride. Some people call it stubbornness, I call it self-respect.
Thank you,
Sherry
“What if while you’re being The Good Girl, you’re being The Bad Girl to yourself?
*Tattoos on forehead*
NICE NICE NICE. Hoo boy. I’ve had two ex boyfriends (both ex EUM’s, one in my 20’s and one recently) who both said, “I need someone to be NICE to me…..”
Lesson learned. If they want someone to be NICE to them, then go hire a call girl!
Nice to EUM’s and Assclowns mean blindly and willingly complying with all their BS as if it’s not BS at all. In their minds, why should they put up with someone calling them on their BS and trying to make them do the right thing by us when they can easily replace us with someone who will say it’s rain when he pisses on her back?
I been MIA for quite some time, doing me. I am that good girl, unfrotunately it often came at a hefty emotional price. However, I will not stop being the nice girl because that is who I am but I will stop being the nice girl at the cost of compromising my well being for someone else’s. This post goes along the line with a book I read once, too bad it didn’t stick in my head because I thought it was all about playing games, but now I see it’s about being who you are at ALL times no matter single or involved. It’s called “Why Men Love Bitches.” Please do pick it up!
This reminds me of a line from the bible: ‘As you sow, so shall you reap.’ But that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve given a lot in relationships and what did I get back? Nothing lasting, that’s for sure. So now I’m thinking, invest in myself and let the overflow go where it will and see what happens.
@ NML – this post is in your top 5 fo sho!!!
@ Gillian – read it many times – be careful where you apply those “tips” you’re playing with fire if you run “game” on an EUM (ac) they will run you down if you go that route… for the “healthy” man, it’s a great read with useful info.
Much love!
Pushing Through, I read it a while back and thought it was a good read. I mentioned it because NML’s post was similar to what the author said about being the nice girl. I never applied any of the tips because as I stated I felt it was too much game playing and with any man I think you’d be playing with fire.
I think you wrote this for me, Natalie. I have ALWAYS tried to be the good girl,.. both in my romantic and non-romantic relationships,… And I end up feeling screwed in the end,…or someone just doesn’t meet my expectations because I always try and try and try and try… etc. to the point of emotional exhaustion. And yes,.. I am self-sacrificial. That sucks, but true. I have learned to start taking care of myself,..and not ‘putting up with the bs that people have historically dished out as I just ‘good girl’ take it… Unfortunately,… those same people are now calling me ‘selfish’… ‘all about me’…etc. -type sentiments. It’s disheartening to me,.. and has impeded my self improvement. 🙁 ONLY TEMPORARILY….It’s 2 steps forward, and 3 back.. I understand. I have ‘rid’ my life of several of these people.. Sometimes, it’s not that easy.
Often where we are The Good Girl with guys, we do it with everyone else too which means you may have friends who cross the line and rely on you being nicey nice. This means that you will have to assert your boundaries but you may initially experience conflict because they are not used to a you that says no. If they are fairly reasonable, they will gradually adjust and respect your boundaries but don’t expect instant results.
Hit home! Helped me so much! So tired of being the “good girl”! Would like to get rid of that look. Everyone thinks I’m so nice!! I do say “NO” in personal life and work place, but met two EUM’s (never knew they existed) this last year that I fell for right out of the gate, and boy have I learned the importance of boundaries and core values in an intimate relationship! I have post-it-notes to remind me DAILY!!
And “no contact” now for 7 months!!
Thanks again Natalie for such a great web site!
My favorite quote; which sums up all your words of wisdom:
“BE COURTEOUS TO ALL, BUT INTIMATE WITH FEW; AND LET THOSE BE WELL-TRIED BEFORE YOU GIVE THEM YOUR CONFIDENCE” – George Washington
well i did something similar with my ex..always turning the other cheek,,well yesterday out of the blue he calls me,,i usually dont answer, this time i was curious because i just so happen to be sitting in a restaurant in Chandler where he lives(i live in Tucson) i was there with a friend to pick up a car,,it was an emotional time for me,,i hadnt been to chandler since the last time i went to see him and refused sex with him,,about 2 months ago. well low and behold he calls me while im there, so i answered,he said Hi B how r u? i was hoping you could do me a favor?(wth?) ok i said..he asked me if he could give a lawyer he was dealing with my number so i could vouche for the lower back pain he had suffered from an accident he had in a car with his ex before me.That this lawyer wanted a witness that he indeed had ben in this pain..which indeed he was in BAD pain for months, i took him to urgent care and the pain clinic on several occasions so i said sur and he told me it would be from a 602 area code and he would send me the number when he got home..well i thought about it all day, today i sent him a text,, said email and in the email i proceeded to say this,,Troy, your phone call yesterday caught me off guard. i would rather not speak to any lawyers about your case and i would appreciate if you never call me again just leave me alonne, its best that way. good luck. well? any feedback? i think i finally am turning around…why the hell would i do anything for him? he was cold, disrespectful and NEVER does me any favors, i asked him to send me a copy of a sketch did over 2 months ago,, he didnt send it.then he knew a friend of mine was in a coma, he asks me about her yesterday(almost two months acfter i text him to tell hm she was in a coma with no response)he asked me how my friend was yesterday,,llike he really gives a >>>>> so i decided its time to stand up and say NO
Bea–
Wow! Yes, why should you help him, esp. when he has not done the same for you in the past? Based on his asking about your friend MONTHS LATER, he KNOWS when he does wrong. How stupid of him to ask so late, too, btw. He just wanted to “prove” how “sensitive” he is now, b/c he felt he NEEDED to do that to get YOU to be sensitive for him!
SO immature. These people kill me. Too many of them out there, too!
yup..it kills me to and for him to think i didnt see right thru his b.s.
he is dilusional he really needs to stop drinking everyday
ugh! hit the nail on the head, NML. I know this person is bad news, has been bad news and will always be bad news and I still put up with an incredible amount of **** in the name of loyalty? love? being a “good girl”? Instead of feeling sorry for him, I should feel sorry for myself. I feel guilty for “giving up on him” which is what I should’ve done 4 years ago. Trying to make a difference in his life = sacrificing myself. I am miserable.
i guess we are only guilty of loving them toooo much,,i dont want to have to change who i am because of the rotten apples, they would win if we change for the worst..they deserve someone just like themselves, so they can feel what true PAIN is