Often our mental energy is consumed by other people and things that we either have no control over or are a distraction from us.
Take Susie – Her year long relationship ended 14 months ago and she says she can’t get over him, and that she’s read everything on this site and others, tried various things and has been doing her best to move on but ‘can’t’. In the meantime, he’s moved on. Now I’m not saying she hasn’t tried, but it didn’t take long to blow this whole thing wide open. So I asked:
Over the past 14 months, how much time has been spent thinking about them?
If it’s hard to think of the whole period, look at it a day or week at a time. Spend a week keeping a feelings diary or just making a note of how often you think about you vs how often you think about them.
Susie did it for two weeks, and bearing in mind this is 14 months on, she thinks about him almost three times as much as she thinks about her. It’s no wonder she’s not over him – her mind is rarely on her and even if it is not to the extent that it was previously, she thinks about him a hell of a lot.
Other important questions: When you are thinking about them, what is it about? Imagining how different things could be if only they changed? Putting them on a pedestal? Analysing what they said and did to try to figure out where you went wrong?
If more time is spent thinking about them than you, you are engaging in avoidance and if you continue with a cycle of ‘thinking’ and obsessing, not only will you find reasons to blame yourself, but you won’t process the information, accept what has happened and move forward.
How much time has been spent thinking about you? Focusing on you? Of that time, how much of it was positive?
Susie admitted that it’s only in the past 3 months (that was when he told her he’d met someone else) that she’s actually started trying to move forward but admits that while half the time she does focus on her she is being positive, the other half of the time she is being negative and blaming herself for what coulda, shoulda, woulda been ‘if only’.
What’s the longest period of time you’ve gone before thinking ‘Ah sod it! Woe betide me! Maybe I should give him a call/send a text/reach out to him’?
3-4 weeks max. In a 14 month period, this is a very short period of time. She stopped acting on these urges 3 months ago and said he has mostly gently and at times firmly rebuffed her contact.
What’s the longest period of time that you have felt happy, positive, personally secure and just generally ‘good’?
Susie said it was no more than a few weeks and that she hasn’t felt good about herself for a very long period of time.
It’s not that Susie can’t get over him, it’s that she won’t get over him as long as he has a significant amount of space in her head.
That’s the same for anyone struggling to get over someone or to get focused on something or themselves: If you give the majority of your headspace to a distraction, to things you have no control over, to irrelevant stuff, to less important stuff to another person that clouds out you, you’ll end up treading water and not accomplishing very much.
You may think you’re applying yourself because the little you do feels like a lot of effort, but if in context, it’s being diminished by thoughts consumed by someone else or negative stuff, you’re negating those efforts.
You see, while it’s natural to spend time thinking about an ex, especially when the breakup is fresh, eventually you have to take the focus off them and bring it back to you, and if you have to do that forcibly, so be it. Sometimes pain is a security blanket.
Getting over someone, learning to love yourself, filling out your life – all of these things take application and the reality is that application and results don’t happen when the majority of your time is spent thinking about someone and things that you have absolutely zero control over or don’t bear a constructive relevance to your present and future. That’s not to take away from whatever efforts you have made but it’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself.
Stepping outside the relationship box for a moment and looking at life in general, nobody gets anywhere or does anything if their mind isn’t thinking about the thing that they need to do. If you rely on it all happening unconsciously or it being sandwiched between the pain, you end up with mixed results. If I have something that needs to be done this week and I spend the majority of my efforts doing and thinking about something else entirely, lo and behold it doesn’t happen. Multiply that over weeks and months and you can see where it’s heading.
Susie may well have read everything and anything to help her, but the truth is, she’s given it limited application and when some things are a bit too close to home, she just filters them out.
When we don’t want to hear, we don’t hear. When we don’t want to see, we don’t see.
Sometimes we don’t realise that we’re not as focused on ourselves as we should be. It becomes habit to be consumed by someone else so that we don’t even notice. We need to be present for our own lives and wake up. There are periods of my life that are hazy – I was so consumed with ‘love’ and pain, everything was out of focus, murky, blurred, tinged. You don’t get that time back. It’s totally OK to be hurt, it’s totally OK to grieve your relationship but don’t make it your ‘role’. Take the focus off them and bring it back to you.
Recommended reading: getting out of stuck – what are you doing to bring love into your life? Ideal reading for anyone who thinks they’re ‘busy’.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
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For the last two relationships I’ve been in over the past 3 1/2 years I have given myself away like a foster child. My current situation is consuming me and I know it’s not what I need. I want me back and I am ready to move forward and not allow people who I feel I have to change to be what I need them to be.
Nat – You are a mind reader – I am convinced.
“majority of your time is spent thinking about someone and things that you have absolutely zero control over or don’t bear a constructive relevance to your present and future.” Guilty as charged.
The very thing I was pondering this morning.
“Sometimes we don’t realise that we’re not as focused on ourselves as we should be. It becomes habit to be consumed by someone else so that we don’t even notice. We need to be present for our own lives and wake up.”
Picked up my journal to write this morning and realized I hadn’t written anything in a month. I have been so “busy” with other people’s problems, living in my head and not being in MY present moment now. Yes agreed alot of things have happened – deaths of friends, bad news, serious health problems of good friends and family members. However these things are happening around me – not to me. Perspective. Its no wonder I am so tired. Spinning my wheels on things that don’t necessarily impact me personally – yet I get drawn into them. Its ok to be support but not to the point were you stop taking care of you. This morning I had my WAKE UP! I am living their lives and not mine. Bad old nasty habit creeping its way back in. Diligence – definitely takes diligence. So ok – focus back on me. I am no good to others if I am no good to me.
Hi Moved Up,
You said:
I have been so “busy” with other people’s problems, living in my head and not being in MY present moment now
and I think this is the reason that people find it hard to move on because they distract themslves with other people’s issues epecially an ex. I can only speak for myself when I say, when I had that epiphany monent and thought “hell I have to focus on me, because this will never give me what I want”, my life just changed literally overnight so that friends who heard me obsessing about it all now say “you’ve changed so much in a few months!”
Check out my blog
I only did it for myself, but I can honestly say its changing my life focusing on myself. (Sorry Nat don’t know how to add the link correctly!)
I find that where I have difficulty is in letting go of the mistakes I made in the relationship. I can be going along just fine then I have a flash of something I wish I hadn’t said or did. Then I spiral down into feeling bad again. Feeling stuck. What’s worse is I have to face this person everyday at work. When the thought comes to me of how I behaved embarrassingly or said something hurtful and then I have to see this person, I am lost on what to do. How do I deal with these feelings when I keep having them? I’m tired of beating myself up for doing something I knew not to do. I’m tired of feeling like I am always blundering. It makes life too painful to handle at times.
hi color orange – I can relate to what you have written here. I spoke with a wise woman this week – psychologist type – having been wallowing in pain myself and she said to me:
“What are you getting out of this wallowing nonsense? You must be getting something out of it.”
So……….I gave that about a days worth of thought and believe me I snapped out of it. It’s like yea, what am I getting out of it except for more pain and anguish – some more self-loathing behavior.
God bless you and know and trust that you are lovely, beautiful and worthy of a healthy situation………so am I and believe me I’m an old dog now…..55.
Take care and take care of YOU!
Yeah, I’ve been known to wallow. Still waiting for the answer as to “what I’m getting out of it.” Thank you for your support.
Try: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-clutching-your-security-blanket-why-its-time-to-strip-off-the-extra-layers-of-anger-and-hurt-youre-carrying/
Thanks Natalie. That helps. I’m still puzzled on what I need to do, if anything, when feelings of needing to apologize for my behaviors come up. Especially, now that I have more information about things and see where I misunderstood. I don’t trust many decisions I make especially with people. It seems silly to keep saying I’m sorry to someone but the urge to do so is there. I guess I need to ask myself why I feel I need to apologize for every little thing.
colororange, let me be real with you – if it’s not this, it’ll be something else. I think you’re very caught up in him or blaming yourself and basically they are two things that keep you invested in the situation. You’re not the only person in the world to make a mistake. If you feel so overwhelmed with the urge to apologise, do so. Write a letter, send a postcard, call – but let me tell you something – be very careful of misguided motivations. If one ounce of you has any expectations tied to apologising, you will be disappointed. You have one opportunity to say sorry and then you have to live with it and move on. You don’t just keep going back and saying sorry every time the mood strikes you. That’s called looking for attention. Write a letter – sit on it for a week. If you still want to post it then, knock yourself out. But then it’s done. You will never be able to apologise for every little thing because in your mindset, you’ll find a new little thing to latch on to. The greatest way you can apologise is applying the lessons learned. You cannot change what has gone. If you’re that sorry, learn from it.
Color Orange,
Apologize if it will make you feel better and only for that reason alone. It will not change his character. I have already apologized to my AC but feel like I have not made my point and often feel like if I do apologize more sincerely he will understand and accept me. However, now that I am removed from the situation, I am beginning to discover more red flags that I hadn’t noticed before because I was so infatuated by his fake charm. Then I decide to let it go. Will he ever apologize to me for his behavior? Never! Don’t waste your breath. When you meet someone worthy of your time, he will treat you well, and you will treat him well in return.
My last conversation with my MM/AC plays over and over again as well. I said some things I shouldn’t have, is this what ended things? Then I decide no, because if he was emotionally available, was not blowing cold at the moment and things were “normal” I wouldn’t have said those things or acted that way. Maybe if you look at your actions in this light you will feel better as well, here to support you always!
Thank you!
colororange, I was in exactly the same boat as you. 18 months with a work colleague who had a girlfriend. For a period of time, I did exactly what you’re doing and the truth is, if you’re tired of beating yourself up, it’s *you* who has to make the active choice to stop taking out the proverbial belt or fists. One of the most important things in life is learning to admit when you are 1) wrong and 2) have made a mistake. Many people refuse to do this and either end up in going round in circles or staying in relationships long past their sell by date so they can try to be ‘right’. Holding on to mistakes can be a security blanket of sorts but by holding so tight, you are distorting what happened because you’re making this whole thing about you as if your relationship failed solely because of you. A lot of what you’re feeling is natural, but it’s saying ‘Yeah, I made mistakes. I’m human, I love, I want to be loved and sometimes, I haven’t always behaved my best. But I will live to love another day and I’m going to stop busting my proverbial balls and apply my lessons to future relationships’.
And just because you made a mistake or you remember one, doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up. You’re holding on to these feelings because you’ve got comfortable feelings bad and it keeps you somewhat connected to this relationship and they also cater to whatever beliefs you have about you.
Reading:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/quitting-distraction-time-to-experience-the-feelings-and-make-the-changes/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coulda-woulda-shoulda-could-my-relationship-have-been-different/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-big-question-but-will-he-try-to-get-in-contact-with-me/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-why-wont-he-contact-me/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/seeking-validation-understanding-in-your-poor-relationships-part-one/
I would also recommend you download Get Out of Stuck because there are specific reasons and beliefs that you are choosing to beat yourself up. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/downloads/
I appreciate your feedback so very much. Is it normal to feel like I have to apologize for every little slight I remember doing/saying? A lot of times I’ll feel guilty over something and want to run and say I’m sorry. I’m really working on self-forgiveness. Sure, the guy can do all sorts of things I’m not too keen on but I can beat the s##t out of myself if I’ve done something wrong. Now I feel really bad at times since he’s had this great opportunity pop up and it makes me jealous and feel guilty. This is insanity.
Thank you NML, this particular blog post couldn’t have been more ‘on time’ if you’d tried. When the notification popped up on my phone earlier, I was thinking at that exact moment, that I need to find a way to move myself forward in my breakup recovery to a point where I really don’t care about what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with. I seem to be very focused on him and it’s become almost habitual. I am fully aware that he wasn’t the right man for me and that it would very likely not have ever worked for a host of reasons, but still I can’t seem to get my heart to follow what my head and gut instinct is telling me is right, i.e. move on girl!
Well, the good news is, we’ve been NC for about 10 weeks and it’s not been easy, but I’ve not had a blip in that time. I think although we’re NC, if I’m honest, part of me is very hurt and angry that he’s not contacted me (he now appears to be quite a coward, long story, but the way things ended & a few things that have come to light since then have shown him to not be someone I particularly want as my partner anyway). So, I do know this is the right thing, but it’s still raw I guess and I need to take one day at a time.
I know that focusing on me/my future is the right thing to do and when I haven’t been feeling quite depressed, I’ve been trying to do just that. I am going to read plenty more on your site, those posts I have read are spot on and your insights/advice are invaluable. I appreciate your ‘realness’ and the breadth of stuff here, it’s really helpful when you are getting over a breakup and don’t want to bore your friends/family with any more talk of it. Thank you again and I shall continue to read, process and apply myself to my future. I shall read the other entry linked above too, looks very relevant.
Enjoy your weekend. 🙂
This is a great post! The reality is that women aren’t generally socialized to think about themselves. We’re taught from the time we’re very young that we need to think of others and not to worry because our prince will come save us. It takes a great deal of effort to bring the focus back to you so that you can attain the life you want. Go get em, ladies!
That’s a good fairy story that “our Prince will come” but only maybe if we make ourselves the fabulous princess first of all and by focusing on ourslves we can do this. That’s what I have found anyhow
.
I agree with Colorange, it is hard to let go when you keep kicking yourself about all the mistakes you made. This makes you think that things could be different if only you woulda, shoulda, coulda. Also, when you go no contact and they don’t contact you, it hurts but it also makes you think, well maybe they aren’t the typical AC that Natalie writes about because they aren’t trying to make contact!!!
I have found that what has helped me is that I am now being the person I have always wanted to be. Before, I was thinking OH I will just wait for my soulmate to rock up and then we can both go to Africa together. Nope, I went by myself last year. Or, my perfect partner and I can learn guitar together…nope, started that this year by myself…etc. Now that I am no longer putting my life on hold, I feel that I can live the life I always wanted. Of course I wish I had someone to share it with but that isn’t happening right now and I don’t want to waste my life being boring old me when I could be the version of me I have been waiting around to be.
You need to read:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-big-question-but-will-he-try-to-get-in-contact-with-me/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-why-wont-he-contact-me/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/seeking-validation-understanding-in-your-poor-relationships-part-one/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coulda-woulda-shoulda-could-my-relationship-have-been-different/
Petitepoison, re the mistakes, you are living in the past. You are not an island, you both made mistakes. When people get stuck analysing their mistakes it not only because they don’t do anything with the knowledge of their mistakes and apply it to the present and the future, but you get stuck in an ideal world where you get to practice out a you without mistakes in the old relationship.
But I am *very* impressed that you are doing what you want to do – be your best you now. As women, we have to stop waiting around for some arbitrary moment in the future or a man that doesn’t exist yet to roll out our best us. Be your best you *now*.
Be your Best YOU NOW
isn’t that the truth!
Natalie, I just want to take some time out to thank you for writing and keeping up this blog. I have followed & read this blog about a year now and it has literally changed my life. I wish I was over exaggerating when I say that.
I’m still a work in progress but I gained so much self respect and learned boundaries to apply in everything in life. This site was a wake up call to many things, including my love relationships.
I think it would be abnormal to never ever miss an ex or hold a special place for them in your heart but it’s very true that the focus does need to be put back on you. I had to take baby steps.
It’s all about putting yourself first and taking care of your own needs. No one else will, especially not your ex-EUM or assclown. I didn’t realize how much I neglected myself until I actually started taking better emotional/mental care of myself.
I still feel I have a lot of learning & discovery to do – which is why I don’t date yet. But the difference now is I am way more comfortable in my own skin than ever before.
Being only two months off the bullshit diet, I struggle keeping the focus on me but I discovered when I do, when I take care of myself, my needs, put myself first, it feels GREAT.
For me, the journey has all been well worth it. It takes time. It takes faith. When you don’t have much faith in yourself, it can be scary. I know when I decided not to see my ex-EUM anymore, I felt overwhelming lonely and scared. BUT I kept putting one foot in front of the other and now I have more faith in myself that, sure, maybe I am worth something after all, maybe I am someone with value, maybe I am not perfect but I will get it all figured out. Which is odd because I used to think that I couldn’t live without him!
You women who are still struggling with the concept of letting go emotionally unavailable men and assclowns: if you want to experience freedom like your soul quenches for, put one foot in front of the other and GO! The power they seemingly have over you is an illusion. The real power lies within YOU.
ahh so true…I have been 7 months dumped in a two year relationship(he disappeared for three days with no contact) we were living together for the last year …. his family was mine… we were planning to buy a house…we were planning on getting married after his sister’s wedding(which I was bridesmaid)
he fell out of love he said.. but it was that I stopped being a parent and started standing up…drugs alcohol played a huge part…thought I could change him but no one can someone but themselves….got honest and realized it was my illusion of what I wanted and he was a great con man(he is a used car salesman)he told me what I wanted to hear so that I could stay and take care of everything..I ran the finances…cleaned… appointments..you name it I did it…I am a pleaser…get real girls…learn to love yourself…I’m 40+ and realized that I settled cause I was scared…don’t..I realized I am so much happier on my own…Love you and take time to heal… My biggest hang up is that I hate myself for rationalizing the warning signs…that someone I thought I could trust prayed on me and played me… but I only have myself to blame..Thank God I have an amazing family….Good luck
I am between a rock and a hard place. MY AC and I have got back together. Yes, smack me now!!! I am hopeful, I am wanting him to step up to the plate…will he? That remains to be seen.
My birthday is next week. After almost 5 years, I am waiting to see if he steps up to the plate to come visit me (we are in a LDR- have been the entire time). He’s been seeing a therapist, I’m hoping that along his journey, he realizes that even though I am not into material things, that him spending quality time with me (especially on my b-day) would amount to something. If it doesn’t end up that way, I will be heart broken. I am hopeful right now, but that’s a week a way. We shall see what comes about.
Dear FindingMyself,
It’s a shame you are calling him an AC and being with him at the same time. If he comes for your birthday, is that going to mean he’s not an AC?
Sounds like for your birthday, you could give yourself freedom to do better than having to wonder if the person you’re giving your commitment to is going to be there for you. You deserve better.
findingmyself, if you have expectations, communicate them because you have got back with someone on the proviso of change. The fact that you have gone in expecting him to step up to the plate is setting yourself up to fail. You’re not getting back with the man he is – you’re getting back with the man he *could* be if he does X, Y. Z. So you have got back together with someone and are waiting for him to change, something that no-one should do. You like him that much and you want so much change for him – let him go and do his therapy thing and get on with your own life. The therapy is for him, not for you and the fact that you regard him as an AC shows that he has a long way to go with therapy before he *might* become the man you want.
finding
ive said it again so at the risk of sounding like a broken record IF an AC changes he will want different things. that’s what change is about. . if the scales do fall from his eyes and he wants a proper relationship, he’ll go for someone who a) hasn’t put up with his shite b) has enough self esteem not to be waiting for a birthday visit and c) lives near him.
and for what it’s worth, it took me four sessions of therapy over a 20+ year period to be ready for a proper relationship. and there is no way i would go back to AN Y of my exes, not even the more decent ones. i’d rather start again with someone new with no bad history.
Finding,
It is scary to hear that you refer to him as an AC and not an ex, not good when you’re are trying to reestablish a relationship. The fact that you’re questioning whether he will be with you, is not good, there should be no ambiguity.
How long has he been in therapy?
The reason why you constantly think, eat and sleep your ex is because your heart has been wounded by his/her actions and words. Confusing, isn’t it!!! You aren’t holding onto nothing but a feeling. You can’t even feel angry towards your ex, but you should be, for what they have caused, because your heart has been in a love condition for so long, that you can’t let go of the feeling of love, so there you sit with no one to pour it onto. Easy to fall into, hard to crawl out of. It’s like a drug. You should not love someone so intensely, that you lose yourself in the process., and you put yourself at the mercy of someone who never cared enough. What has worked for me, was when I last saw him, and he said “if you can’t make a go of it, then why don’t you move to another state”, this after he has been contacting me. That was the bottom line for me, I flip flopped into an angry state of mind, and finally spoke my mind to him. I now have my power back! In other words, I started to feel something else that just moved that love aside. Stop clinging onto a feeling. Let go of that feeling – you are afraid of going through the withdrawals. But, if you do, you will feel sooooooooo much better. You know below that feeling of love, without that feeling of love, if that feeling were gone, you know darn well, he would look much more differently. You probably would be in wonder as to how you could have loved that skunk in the first place. He would become irrelevant very quickly.
It is getting better one day at a time. I’m focusing a little bit more every day on me instead of him, although I’m still obsessing on what we would have been doing if we were still together. Oddly though, every time I think about what we would be doing if we were still together, it comes up that we would not have been together. For example, we would not have been together when I went for my breast biopsy and he would not have been here for me during the recovery. He would have been doing his political thing in Sacto and I would have been alone trying to open the refrigerator. When he came home on the weekend, he would have been busy with his wife and political stuff, and I would still have been alone trying to open the refrigerator. On Feb 8th, “our anniversary” whatever that was, he would have been in Sacto and I’d would have been alone waiting for a phone call. I was alone and peacefully asleep on Feb 8th and missed his phone call at 10:22 pm because he was out to dinner. I wasn’t waiting up for his phone call.
I need to change my habits, make MY talk match My walk, move forward, take the focus off of him, place the focus on me, and this needs to happen forcibly and ASAP. “If I have something that needs to be done this week and I spend the majority of my efforts doing and thinking about something else entirely, lo and behold it doesn’t happen.” Since I am a linear, list person, here is how I’m going to change my behavior to make MY talk match MY walk:
1. I will not check his website to see what he is doing. He’s doing his same old tired thing, day in and day out. He hasn’t changed one drop. “No new taxes, the family is the bedrock of society, unions are the antichrist”…blah blah blah. How tired. It is, however, fun to watch his right wing republican rhetoric being shot down in our democratic state. That’s worth the price of admission.
2. I will only check my home email and face book in the morning and the evening to see what’s going on with my daughter and my friends. Nothing would be happening with my daughter or friends which would require hourly email checks.
3. I will not keep checking my text messages to see if he has broken down and is texting while using my daughter as an excuse to check my text messages hourly. My daughter texts when she needs something, about once a week, maybe. Her texts do not occur hourly. Thus, there is no need to check my text messages hourly using my daughter as an excuse.
4. I will start to do things. Tomorrow night, I will go to a pole dancing fitness class with my girl friends. It is something I’ve always wanted to do and didn’t because my life was on hold in the event we could be together.
5. I will start golf lessons. Another thing I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because my life was on hold in the event we could be together.
6. I will start tennis lessons. Another thing I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because….blah blah.
7. I will stop making excuses for what I’m not doing and I will start doing what I’ve always wanted to do.
8. Screw him. I’ll bet his wife isn’t even home because she is gay and with her partner. That’s going to be funny when it finally comes to light. Their cute little republican family consists of a gay wife and a husband with an ex mistress. Too funny.
Hey runnergirl,
Sounds like you’re pi**ed and want to expose him. I feel you. You’re around the three month mark, right? Shock of everything wearing off and reality of your life and his life, and maybe the difference in privilege, becoming apparent? Feeling like he gets to go on being rewarded for being a liar while some of us have to truly suffer in order to live authentically? Let me know if I’m projecting. The timing is right in your mourning of this relationship to be very angry.
The man you describe sounds like one who has done a lot of lying to get where he is. One of the worst things about the politico scene was FEELING in my body how I didn’t fit in, or at least, feeling how I wasn’t willing to be fake in order to fit in. I was with someone who was very domineering about his way (the fake, lying and bribing way) being the way to do things and survive in that world. I’ve been doing a lot of self work to be honest about how much I want to fit in with such people. It would change me, to begin to rationalize so much of the duplicitous behaviour that passes for normal in that arena. It is a huge question of boundaries and my own values that I haven’t worked out yet; didn’t know I had to until this whole experience.
Sounds like you don’t (never did?) share his values – either the real ones or the ones he broadcasts.
Anyway, the focus now on you is great. Didn’t realize you were checking for contact, so good for you for scaling back.
As I bring the focus back to me (how will I provide for myself what I thought he offered?) the waves of anger and other feelings are quite powerful. How will I do all this myself? Ironically, I don’t have to worry too much about letting go and never thinking about my AC again: the more I resolve to focus on me, the more the long bouts of brooding about him shift into painful, but forward-moving moments of insight.
By the way, I think I’ll change my screen name after this to Magnolia. There are a few Lynn(e)s on BR.
Now back to me! and you back to you!
xo
Magnolia
I love your comment and your sense of humor, you are the BEST!
“8. Screw him. I’ll bet his wife isn’t even home because she is gay and with her partner. That’s going to be funny when it finally comes to light. Their cute little republican family consists of a gay wife and a husband with an ex mistress. Too funny.”
This comment – I had to laugh! My ex AC MM his wife is bisexual. First, she went off with other women, then, she had an affair with a man. The ex? He offered to show me naked photos of his wife.
I was angry for a long time, at the brink of telling his wife everything and to apologise. Thing is, I know now and understand what a position she’s in. I decided that actually, he is not worth even the effort of anger and she isn’t worth taking into account in my life. That’s wasted energy, wasted time. They are both the same and deserve each other – sick individuals!
Your ex AC – he knew what he married, so its too bad for him that he’s a coward. But it’s you that’s important, you see the mismatch of values between you because of his and her behaviour. That’s why you’re angry too, because their behaviour is wrong – HIS behaviour was/is wrong. Yours now is right because you’re NC. NC allows us to see what our values are it’s up to us to stick by them!
Hang in their, the anger will pass – it did for me! x
Thanks for your comments. OMG, Leigh I cannot believe your ex MM’s wife is bisexual. There must be only one guy out there and we were all involved with him. Too amazing. I am pissed because he “gets” to go along living his lying, decietful life and I’m stuck trying to heal and live authentically. They do deserve one another and I deserve better. It does feel better not being a part of his deceptive life. Why did your x offer to show you pics. YUCK!
Lynn, you are NOT projecting. It is around the 3 month mark, the shock has worn off, and I am pissed because it does seem he gets to live his merry little life professing one thing and doing another. You and Leigh hit on something…our difference in values. Of course we knew we were very different politically but how that translated into a difference in core values is something to think about (ie. what are my core values). Another what was I thinking moment! I guess the clarity that comes with NC is distressing. And I am angry about my role in creating this nighmare. The long brooding bouts do result in painful insights about me.
I did stick to my new rules and only checked my email this morning. Sure enough, he sent an email with a funny little joke we used to share. I was probably right about his wife not being home. I’m sticking to NC though. Good thing I’m in the angry phase. Thank you for your insights. You both are spot on.
Runner,
Why haven’t you blocked the e-mails? It would certainly be easier on you.
runnergirl,
I want to chime in on the comment that it seems as though you want to expose him…it really does seem as though you want to out him publicly. You’ve made it known he is a public political figure who appears on television, and have alluded to specific dates and geographical details and shared activities. If I cared a rat’s butt, I could very easily use my PI skills to determine who your ex MM is and out him…so please consider your motivation in providing so much explicit detail.
RunnerGirl,
He offered to show me pics because he got off on it. I blasted him for it because to me it showed a high level of disrespect for his wife and I, like you was more and more convinced that his life was a farce and a case of appearances.
A person that truly respects a woman does not offer to send photos of her naked to other people. Respect to me is fundamental. If he couldn’t respect his wife who looked after his FIVE children all girls (two from a pervious marriage) then he couldn’t respect anyone, myself included.
This just wasn’t good enough for me. He isn’t good enough for me. I admit (without sounding like I’m trying to be a victim) that I made a bad choice with him, but part of that I attribute to my circumstances at the time.
Anger came, because I felt he played a part in destroying and interfering in my family, yet not apologising for it. I, too, felt he got away with it scot free. But he didn’t. He’s stuck inside his ego and his delusional life. Everything that he does now is sucked energy and ideas from others. Yes, this is my being critical of him, but I call it how I see it. My anger came along with bouts of crying, obsessing, forgiving him, dreaming of him. At times I was consumed. Not once did he contact. It was me that contacted him first because that’s how he managed down the relationship and his guilt about it.
when I got to see him again my physical reaction to him was fierce. It happened over a three day period and the energy being drained from me made me physically sick. He is once piece of work. A danger to women. A control freak. Hell, even his own wife told him that she cannot grow around him! I only ever speak of him on here. I never talk about him to my friends, to no one. He’s not a part of my life.
Now, I don’t think of him with all the obsessive thoughts, dreams, etc. His guilt and his ego is his own crap to deal with and I’m glad he hasn’t contacted me – he never will. The only thing I hope is that he does this out of respect for my wishes. Which I believe he does and it’s the only good thing to come out of all this apart from my own growth.
I promise you it does get better. It takes time and it can be a process. A lot of it is realising what you played into and forgiving yourself.
My bad days are nowhere near or frequent as before. I classify my bad days as him coming into my head as a mental image more than a feeling. When that happens I say to myself “Okay you’ve had a few seconds now be gone.” It’s worked for me so far!
Oh dear Leigh, he does sound like a piece of work. Good for you in getting out of the situation and moving forward with your life. When I look back, I’m always amazed at what I tolerated, sans photos. It is reassuring to hear from all the wonderful folks like yourself who are moving forward and healing. I’m obessing a lot less as each day goes by, getting to know me a little bit better, and it is getting better overall, although there are those moments. I’ll try your “few seconds now be gone”. I know I can’t go back to tolerating such disrespect and living a lie so the only way out is through. Natalie’s posts are always so timely. It’s as though she’s here watching me and gently reminds me that my life is about me, not him. And, knowing there are others out there like you who are working through this stuff is so helpful. Good for you. I’m grateful.
Hey Runnergirl,
Have been following your progress and just want to encourage you to keep moving forward and loving yourself. I have the same amount of time as you from my MM and while it is hard I am so glad I broke with him,
Things that have helped / are helping me: starting therapy, going back to church, meeting with my priest and getting EVERYTHING off my chest finally, making ‘friend dates’ with people, and practicing gratitude daily for what I have in my life.
Keep going forward and focusing on you!!
Thanks Allison and Bikergirl…I’m hanging in there and will block him now. I didn’t really need to until recently but I can see where this is headed and why you all did it. Honestly, at first I wanted to hear from him for the ego stroke and validation. Now my ego is stroked/validated and I can see it is just going to tempt me into breaking NC which would be his goal. Hugs to both of you too and thanks so much for your support.
Sunshine, I’ll watch the details. I didn’t realize that I was providing too many explicit details or that anyone would care to follow-up.
Runner,
Good for you! You don’t need any temptation!!! Plus, there will be no regular checks to see if he has been in contact.
Find validation through you, not others.
Hugs
Runner,
How do you know for certain the wife is gay? Could this be something he told you to keep you attached?
Did you sneak a peak at my journal entry from last night? Your title is the last line I wrote, just before heading into bed after a long day of being depressed. I was upset because I came to the realization that though I am aware of what I need to do I have yet to have the courage to do it. This goes for anything in my life, not just romantic relationships. I need to put myself first and stop thinking about others as much. It will be scary but I have got to do this for myself. I owe it to me! Thank you so much for this post.
My life, in a nutshell. Exactly what I have been thinking and realizing over the past few months. When I catch myself thinking about a past relationship or analyzing the flaws and faults of my ex AC, I mentally slap myself out of it.
What really struck me in this post is the suggestion to note how much time I spend thinking negatively about myself. There it is. I have been struggling for some time (my whole life, basically) with the fact that I don’t love myself. I can say I have honestly tried and put forth alot of effort into it – journalling, reading self-help books, meditating. But I hadn’t cancelled out the negative internal voice. I am still calling myself bad, dumb, foolish. I consciously tried to shift my thoughts on my ex AC from what he did to what I did, but all that accomplished was giving me fresh ammunition to hate myself more. To blame me instead of him and think that that was progress, because at least I could change my behaviour.
I see my bad habits and avoidance behaviours very clearly now – overeating, watching mindless TV, focusing my thoughts on him rather than me. When I find myself doing one of these things now, I ask myself what feeling I am trying to avoid. I try and have the honest conversation and get to the root of it, and that helped a bit but it didn’t stop it. What this post gave me was the next piece of the puzzle. I may be focusing on me, but its in a negative way. Time to start talking to myself in a loving, supportive voice. Time to focus on the positive.
It isn’t enough to just focus on me. My narcissist ex AC did nothing but think about himself and look where it got him. Its time to focus on myself and the things I can control and change. It’s also time to start using my grown-up, indoor voice. It’s time to play nice with me.
Thanks for the guidance, as always.
Thanks for this blog–boy can I relate, especially to the reply from colororange. I make it a practice NOT to get “involved” with people at work–even to have outside friendships with them–because times are tough and I can’t afford to be out of work. Relationships that seem so strong can backfire, and then you have to show up to work and deal with the awkwardness or unpleasantness of possibly running into them at any moment. Yet I decided to cautiously let someone from work into my personal life (first time in about 20 yrs). He treated me beautifully, so sincere, considerate, generous, attentive, and sweetly vulnerable. I bought it all, for about 5 months. We never had a sexual relationship, tho we did get quite intimate the last time we hung out and seemed to enjoy each other’s company. I was getting mixed messages from him and not confident enough to get things clear (he is about 20 years my junior and I worried about looking like a fool for thinking he might see me in romantic terms, despite his paying for expensive meals and treating me so attentively). He was the last person I would have thought to turn from being a warm, considerate, man to becoming such cold and indifferent person, lying to my face in the same tone of voice (and with the same facial expression) he used during all those months of us hanging out and me thinking he was an exceptionally sincere person. I pushed for a lunch, during which he said he was depressed, insecure, “it” was “complicated,” and that I wasn’t the only person he wasn’t calling). Ugh! I spiraled down, down, down in a horrible crash-burn. The depression was so great I often spent all weekend in bed, avoided answering the phone. I hated that someone could have that kind of over-the-top affect on me. How ridiculous, I told myself: GET A GRIP!! Dragging myself in to work took an almost inhuman effort, and I took extraordinary measures to avoid him (not always succeeding). He would alternately stare straight ahead as he walked by me, or smile strangely at me. A couple of times over the next 6 months, I decided to extend an olive branch, mostly because I felt humilitated (and angry as much at myself as at him) and yet disbelieving that this was the same person who I thought I was getting to know all those months. I burned a CD of music and left it with a little note at his desk. No surprise, he never acknowledged it (I’m embarrassed I so lacked self respect!). A few months later–I can’t believe this!–I stopped by his desk before the end of the year to wish him (god help me) a happy holiday. He was courteous and said he’d come by to chat soon. That was more than a year ago, and of course he never has. I’ve never made any contact with him since, much as it’s pained me, even though he literally sits on the other side of the door from my cubicle and I wear headphones so I don’t have to hear his voice. I’m trapped. I go over an over things with him in my head–did it turn into something not good, or was he goofing on me from the get-go? How DARE he treat me like chewed gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe! Is he in another relationship (why should I care)? What did I say or do to change his attitude about me? How could he treat me with such disrespect–and never have remorse? Why would I allow someone so contemptuous of my feelings to take up two seconds of my head space? And then I read your blog, Nat, and your words and those of the others who post replies are such a great comfort and inspiration. Thanks to all who take the time to share their feelings and insights. I learn from all of you! (sorry for such a long post)
Hello Natalie
You totally hit the nail on the head with today’s post. I’ve been NC for 27 days now and have been having a bit of a hard time the past week as the ex EU is constantly on my mind. Ive been wondering why this is and i’ve come to the realization that its “really ” over. I guess in the back of my mind i always thought that he would come around and try to contact me and because he hasn’t i feel a little hurt. In my past relationships where ive gone NC, the guys always grovelled, blew up my phone, etc..etc and i guess i was used to that drama and ego boost. Im not used to ex’s going away without a fight. I know that i would never respond if he did try (because i know he is not good for me and i want to do things right this time) but if he did contact me it would give me a lil ego boost ( sick….i know and just proof that im an EUF too!). It also goes to show that i have alot of work to do on myself and am not ready to be out there at all right now. Funny thing is that even though he’s not contacting me all the other assclowns are coming out of the woodwork…some who i haven’t spoken to in months. Though im tempted to engage (again..another ploy to get attention) im proud to say that i haven’t. I really want to heal, work on myself and find the real me, what i really want and find the love i deserve.
ruby
good for you, don’t engage. i’ve had ACs come back after decades literally. at first i was flattered, wow i must be great if they remember me. don’t be flattered, be insulted. as natalie has posted in “trap of the returning childhood sweetheart” why, after all this time and of all the women he knows has he reached out to ME? cos i accepted his crap before and he thinks i’ll accept it again.
believe me, the men who really respected you and really loved you will leave you well alone to get on with your life and not come prancing back in to muck it up.
no thanks.
it cuts the other way as well. i’ve had a couple of opportunities to reconnect with my first boyfriend as he is still in touch with some of my family. but i’ve never taken it up. he’s married with kids and has a new life. i respect that. he’s not some toy i can just pick up and play with.
I’ve had several sessions of therapy/counselling prompted by break-ups/bad relationships. Each time I was struck by how little interest the counsellor had in the men I’d been in relationships with. I would try to talk about them and the counsellors would always turn it back to me. But I didn’t want to talk about me! I just wanted to go on and on about the silly men. Thankfully, the counsellors were professional enough not to let me waste my time and money on that.
With my most recent counsellor I was talking about my past relationships in an attempt to demonstrate that I don’t have low self-esteem, the problem must be something else; it was a few weeks later that he admitted to me that he saw these men as “losers”. And I’d been trying to make them sound good! I stopped talking about them then, I realised they weren’t worth my time and attention. Or his.
Time and again here I read posts describing these men as nice, loving, affectionate, troubled, in difficult, circumstances, not really an AC , does have good qualities, is a decent person underneath, is married to a bitch, loves his kids, is charming, intelligent, great at sex, goodlooking etc. Every single time all I see is a … loser.
We need to stop wasting time thinking about losers and think more of ourselves and what we’re going doing with our lives. I speak as someone who obsessed about an ex for three years and had to take ADs for anxiety/depression. So I have thought about them to the final and nth degree. I’ve been there and I can tell you it’s a waste.of.time.
A-men! When I was 23-24 and at uni, I saw the counsellor for 4 sessions which really pissed off my ex. I had felt like I was losing my mind so I hoped she’d put it in perspective and my intention was to talk about him. Two sessions in, in a very exasperated tone, she asked why I had spent both of the previous sessions talking about my mother. I hadn’t even noticed. I wanted to avoid talking about me, I also wanted to avoid seeing him in a real light, so I jumped to her. I never forgot what she said although at the time I thought she was an asshole because I didn’t want to see it. But the words stuck and when I faced them, it was only a matter of time before I was *out*.
If you imagine the volume of emails and comments I get, the inconsistencies in what people say about partners/exes is damn scary. If we listened more to ourselves, we’d see this and shock ourselves into action, consistency, honesty and authenticity.
Grace: “We need to stop wasting time thinking about losers and think more of ourselves and what we’re going doing with our lives. I speak as someone who obsessed about an ex for three years and had to take ADs for anxiety/depression. So I have thought about them to the final and nth degree. I’ve been there and I can tell you it’s a waste.of.time.”
Another Amen here!! Thank you!! So true. As women i feel we are conditioned and expected by society to be the one who puts the effort into making the relationship work. Communicating the ‘correct way’, not pressuring, not having expectations… etc etc. It’s all our responsibility. BS!! I want to know what he’s bringing to the table (or regarding so many men who come with a harem, preferably I want to know what he’s NOT bringing into the relationship, namely his harem & human baggage). I want to know what he has to offer ME. It’s a two-way street but it’s not all on me. I don’t need YET ANOTHER, dime-a-dozen, ‘charming’ guy who’s adored by the masses. He needs to show me he can put me first and show me what he can do to impress *ME*.
“As women i feel we are conditioned and expected by society to be the one who puts the effort into making the relationship work. ”
This is not the case if we are engaged in healthy relationships. We’re making poor choices!!!
I know many couples, who have mutually respectful relationships, both parties are participating and treating one another with love and care. What it comes down to, is choosing better partners and dealing with our own commitment issues.
Nat – this is a wonderful post! Thank you! I know for sure, I didn’t spend nearly enough time focusing on re-building my life and instead used up precious energy obsessing about my relationships instead. It’s a little painful to think about what could have been achieved had I harnessed that energy earlier to move my life forward. I do wonder though if part of it is simply the passage of time – which you touched on here of course with the 14 months. But, in my case, it has really been the passage of time, exercise, new friends and trying to understand how I got on the road I found myself on, and how to get off it, that helped me put the relationship insanity behind me.
Anyway, thank you for this. You have made an excellent point that so many of us have overlooked!
It is interesting how we want to talk about our exes to anyone who’ll listen instead of focusing on oursleves but I guess that tends to be human nature. When I first got dumped for another that’s all I could talk about him and how he done me wrong. Where did that get me, as you can imagine no where not to mention hanging around for 18 more months doing things I’m terribly ashamed of now.
At that time all I cared about was getting him back or at least somehow still being in his life, ie: the things I did I’m now ashamed of. I felt sick to my stomach most of the time because I wasn’t caring about myself. Oh I thought I was but obviously I wasn’t and truth be told I didn’t really care all I wanted was him at any cost.
But as time went on the cost got too high. My emotional, physical and spritual selves were all paying the price but finally the light bulb went on after spending months on this site. Nat has been right for so long NO CONTACT and loving one’s self is the answer at least it was for me. Once I initiated NC I had no other choice but to FINALLY deal with me. I realized I hated myself for being weak and for letting someone else do so much damage to me just to keep a sick relationship going.
I read somewhere that it isn’t time that heals it what you do with the time. That made a huge impression on me when I started NC. Its one thing to not see or talk to them anymore but if you’re going to still think about them all the time and have conversation in your head with them all the time not much healing will happen. As Nat likes to say you have to take the focus off of them and bring it back to you.
Right on target. Women (in general) tend to put themselves after others, even in good times, emotionally and otherwise. We may be genetically wired to do this, and we (most of us) are certainly nurtured and rewarded for it.
In rough emotional times, this can go to an extreme & become very detrimental to us. Moving on is the solution. There is no halfway. We either cross our emotional river or drown in the current.
My mantra is “you’re thinking about him. He’s not thinking of you. He decided to dispense with you. So you dispense with him.”
Don’t create wistful scenarios. Don’t stir up anger or resentment. It damages the beauty inside each of us, a beauty to be shared with someone else more worthy.
Let it go just for today, and you’ll start working on a better tomorrow.
“you’re thinking about him. He’s not thinking of you. He decided to dispense with you. So you dispense with him.”
Don’t create wistful scenarios. Don’t stir up anger or resentment. It damages the beauty inside each of us, a beauty to be shared with someone else more worthy.”
Thoughtful and meaningful words- I wrote those down, thanks! I’ve done some things that I’m not proud of, some may say justified, but in the end I wish I could have just walked away. And they didn’t really make me feel any better, and perhaps made me feel worse. The thought that those kinds of things DO damage us, probably more than they do him, is true.
sometimes I don’t WANT to forget him, sometimes I think forgetting about him means he’ll forget about me. Which he may already have done. I find myself not WANTING to forget him even with all the crap he put forth.. I loved him and the five years we struggled with this relationship- he was so unavailable he should have been invisible- was so difficult especially in the end, I too can’t seem to stop thinking about him. It means having to grieve it again and finally. I’ve had to do that with my exH and now the AC, all in a couple of years. I really find myself wishing it would all turnaround and the AC would suddenly change and heal and things would be different, though we’ve been there done that, and I know it never will.
Thanks for another great “come to Jesus” session, Nat
tess
you’ve lost yourself. i know how you feel as i was exactly the same. i didn’t want to get over him as i didn’t want him to get over me or forget me. but the brutal truth is that he didn’t need to forget me or get over me, i wasn’t on his mind during the “relationship”, i was just in a fantasy world trying to believe that he felt more than he did (which was not much).
you and he are separate individuals. what you think is not what he thinks. what you want is not what he wants. you have to stop thinking about him as the answer to a single one of your problems; you have to do it yourself.
it IS hard but when you’re out the other side you’ll feel stronger and better. and what he thinks of you will be the last thing on your mind.
For me, thinking about the guy in the aftermath is just plain procrastinating. It usually happens when I have loads of work, when I’m unsure if I can actually manage it or do a good job on some task. It took me a while to see through it.
When it’s over, the guy isn’t really all that important to me (he hurt me, right, so why bother with him?).
It’s more of the “I’m not sure I’m up to the present task [insert optional: work, changing habits, starting running, anything I dread]”
It’s good to have someone remind us that what we think the majority of the time actually forms our reality. Thank you!
I’ve noticed something else also: when I grieve the relationship I usually need time off, I need time when I’m doing something else, anything that’s totally distracting my mind, just so I don’t think about the pain.
But when I procrastinate it’s different. The pain is there, sure, but the whole point is not grieving. It’s just taking it easy – it’s so much easier to spend the whole day thinking about this and not doing anything constructive. Working and trying to accomplish a task is far more difficult (you have to deal with your insecurity, you have to actively believe in yourself, you have to move your butt to start a task, you have to deal with failure ect). But wallowing in this stinky pool of past hurts is easy, even though you’re just hurting yourself and are losing precious time.
Those of you who have been in therapy, how do you go about finding a therapist? Do you look for a psychologist, a psychoanalyst or what? I’ve been NC more times than I’d like to admit (7 weeks is record to date). I’ll be going along, quite happily, relieved in fact that the AC is no more. And then, he’ll ask for help with something, I’ll feel sorry for him and agree.. get sucked back in. And so the messed-up cycle continues. I need help, I’m just not sure how I go about getting it. Or indeed how I go about paying for it. Sometimes it feels like I’m in prison, I escape every once in a while but always find myself going back.
aliceb
your doctor can recommend someone, or maybe you can get a personal recommendation. i found my most recent and most helpful counsellor online. i just googled someone local. he’s older than me, in his 50s/60s. i particularly wanted a man as i needed to know that men can be compassionate, emotionally literate and supportive without wanting anything in return (except their fee!) but otherwise i don’t think it makes any difference if it’s a man or woman.
at the very least, the thought of telling another human being that you contacted him AGAIN may be enough for you to stop. it certainly did that for me. to take it further and really see your patterns and make changes takes over 6 months i reckon. and it does have to be a counsellor you have rapport with. most will give you a free session for you to see if you can work together.
cost in the uk is about £35 a wk, which is significant but some have a sliding scale if you don’t earn much.
I’m pretty sure I’ve been thinking waaay too much about a man -that never really thought that much about me, or at least as much about me. The part about putting it into action, is I think they key, maybe the key I’m afraid to use. I’ve been hurt many times before but now I feel properly burned… and it’s proving harder to move on. I think the fundamental reason may be that I keep flip-flapping between: Was this potentially a good relationship that I managed to turn to sh*t, or was he the sh*t?? I fully accept that I’ve had my part to play and done loads of coulda, woulda, shoulda, self-blaming stuff and know he’s far from perfect (think I saw as many red flags as a Matador). But this site is probably a golden opportunity for me to get help with that flip-flapping indecision.
He started as a married man when I met him, sorely disappointed i decided Ah what the heck, after a 4 year drought, and several ppl cheated on me b4, i thought I want some fun! Any how it was bliss (mostly) he left his wife after 3 months (although disappeared 4 3 weeks in this time). Loads of attention, text phone, lunches, dinners, days out, fun, flowers. I thought he was gorgeous, could do everything for himself including cook and wash (as well as knew all about building, cars, electrics, ict, animals, you name it…)and look after his son. Thought Id hit jackpot. But it came at a price, he was possessive, jealous, then didn’t care & i got suspicious when he didn’t answer, call back when he said. I’m pretty sure there was a hell of a lot of mind f**kery but very subtle & pretty weird in some cases. We were supposed to move in together (we chose a new place, put both names on tenancy & I was just waiting to get job b4 moving) but after I’d landed the job 2 hours away in the area, things got colder. He came up with excuses 4 me not to move in; tax credits, arguing infront of son. He liked to argue, I tried not to but he had an unbelievable knack of getting me wound up. Then I’d try and smooth over and sometimes if this row was on phone i’d drive the distance over (if his son was at his Mums 1st wife of 3 -he never did that 4 me after a row). He was very good at making me feel stuff was my fault, I cant imagine how everything was my fault. I tried so hard to do what was right, help his son and him out at every turn, even to the detriment of my own job sometimes. I still remember the good times, cooking dinner together, walks, nice stuff and weigh that against a load of horrible stuff he put me through. His job/life etc was always viewed as more important. I just had to “keep my own a*se” as he put it!! I still struggle with all this after it finished almost 3 months ago….
lost
there’s no way this could have worked. he was married when you met, so that was stacked against you. then he started waving red flags at you. as for his supposed qualities and the good times, ANY IDIOT including hitler can be “nice” to their girlfriend when it suits them.
you’re chasing your tail if you think that anything you did could have made this “work”. the only thing you could have done better is a) not get involved with a MM and b) jump ship when you realised you weren’t the exception to the rule
it’s goodt you got rid of the cheating, lying, manipulative twerp. don’t doubt that decision. i trust you’re having nothing more to do with him.
Grace
Thank you, so much for your reply. I’m so pleased 🙂 it’s so good to get a realistic perspective on it. As on this site were all having to deal with the reality. So your reply is really helpful. Although sometimes difficult to accept, I know it’s the right decision. rather scary how much affect they have on us to make us doubt ourselves, and how much morphing we can do for them -which leaves a larger inprint on us when it’s over. .. Your citing ‘Hitler’, has probably got a whole load more scary similarities!! He did after all say that people only seemed to follow those they feared like Hitler!
Sounds like you’ve been through much yourself Grace, so i really appreciate your helpful comments and feel more secure in my decision that its over.
lost
glad to be of help – i did wonder if i’d insulted him too much! but yes i’ve been through a lot including an extremely manipultive ex who made me feel like i was going crazy. your story made me angry on your behalf.
glad to hear you are rid of this guy.
oh.. and no I’m not having anythingmore to do with him, although that has had its own challenges, the odd blip…probably motivated for the wrong reasons. But now, no, nothingmore to do with him after a bumpy exit & trying to sort out tenancies etc.
From experience of taking a year or more each time to get over someone, I have a new strategy these days which does work.
Of course we do need to think about ourselves and our future, and spend time not thinking at all – meditation in whatever form that suits you.
However any addiction (including obsessing over another person) can be extremely difficult. I have found that it is basic human nature to worship and idolise someone…. I have found that any addiction gets replaced by another addiction (eg quitting smoking then replacing it with exercise or eating)… unless we choose the right one to worship – for me that is God. Then any time I felt weak to smoke another cigarette or contact the ex… pray instead or do Bible study to discover for yourself who God is.
Cathy,
Thanks for sharing that. For me, renewing my commitment to God and reading the Bible daily is what keeps me on no-contact from the ex MM. It is the only way I can stay strong. And start to learn how to love myself.
Bikergirl – you are very welcome.
A few books I I highly recommend while one is single and wanting to learn to really love yourself: ‘Secrets of an Irrestible Women’ and another ‘Knight in Shining Armour’ and a shorter one is ‘Find True Love’. I have a feeling you will like them.
Blessings on your love walk.
As with several of your posts lately, Natalie, I keep thinking about them long after I read them. This one in particular has stayed with me and got me thinking about things differently.
I have always thought relationships acted like mirrors, and what we see in others are things we are often denying in ourselves. When the relationship with the AC began, we rushed at each other in pure fantasy. Neither of us was really seeing the other for what we were but who we wanted them to be. Then reality set in. I wanted to stick it out and grownin the relationship, he didn’t. It ended very badly and then got much worse because we had to work together.
At first, I spent all my time and energy trying to figure him out. Same as in the relationship -I was going to fix and change and heal him. I made all kinds of diagnoses and analysis – he was a commitment phobe. No, he was an assclown. Oh God, no he is really a narcissist. All are true to some extent but it actually doesn’t matter. I don’t love myself. He doesn’t love himself. He doesn’t love or even like me. I didn’t want to accept that and fought it tooth and nail till it was way too late. Neither of us could stand to accept what we were seeing in the mirror.
Then, after reading this site and other positive sources, I began to shift the focus onto me. Start looking at myself and my patterns. I have come to accept (and it has been very hard) that all of the things I disliked so much in him, I have in me. I can lack empathy. I can be heartless and cruel. I have commitment issues. I am not always honest or trustworthy. I manipulate and control to get what I want. And all the things he accused me of exist in him – lying, jealously, neediness and so on. The only difference between us really is that I have finally turned and faced it and begun looking at myself, while he just continues to blame the other person and hopes that the next girl will be the magic one who accepts him unconditionally.
I am now chosing to learn to love and accept me. It is interesting to me that I was so willing to “love” him unconditionally and had endless energy and enthusiasm for fixing his stuff but couldn’t extend the same courtesy to myself. It is not up to me to fix him or his stuff. I can only focus on me. But it doesn’t serve me to hate him or label him or wish him ill. As soon as I began seeing things this way, a tightness and heaviness lifted in my chest and I felt better. I don’t need or want him in my life but he was a valuable teacher. I don’t have to care or know what his issues really are or what becomes of him. I simply wish him well and know that my life is better without him in it. Hating him or demonizing him doesn’t make me a better person.
Now, the hard part. Working on me. I have spent the past 13 years slowly shutting down, growing callous, fearful and mistrusting. I have stopped caring for others. I never had good boundaries with anyone and the constant invasion of other people into my life was getting exhausting. Rather than just setting good boundaries and caring for myself, I just started retreating from the world. I also started focusing way too much on appearances and how things looked to others. I guess its not the least bit surprising I ended up with someone with strong narcissistic tendencies.
I have to believe people can change. I used to think that, so I could justify my continued investment in bad relationships. Now I believe it because I need to believe I can change. I can learn, grow and start new patterns. It all absolutely must begin and end with learning to love, accept and respect myself. Everything else will flow from that.
I know we all come to this site in pain. We have sought validation in bad relationships and needed someone else to love us the way we don’t love ourselves. It’s freeing and empowering at first to label our exes assclowns or EUM or narcs and maybe they are and maybe they aren’t. Maybe we are as well. I’m not sure labels help. In the end, we are just hurting people, trying the best we can. I recognize now that I did the exact same thing to someone else 10 years ago that my ex did to me. I know I am not responsible for that persons feelings but I responded to their declaration of love with disdain and withdrawl. I couldn’t find it in myself to respond with empathy, compassion or sympathy. I just dismissed them – exactly like my recent ex did to me. I wasn’t a bad person when I did it – I was just empty, scared and trying to get my own needs met. Likely what my ex was feeling with me. We don’t need to hate or vilify these men to learn to let go or to learn our lessons from them. I wish I had realized that sooner. Not as a means of keeping him in my life but just so that I could have acted with more grace and self-respect as I left.
I have accused him of being without a self but have since realized I lack a strong sense of self. I really don’t know who I am. I am now trying to live my life in accordance with my values and beliefs. I am trying to learn to love me. I am trying to be proud of me.
Now that I have acknowledged and accepted the ugliest parts of myself, maybe I can learn to love the rest of me as well.
debra
so true. we’ve all looked to the ACs/EUMS to change but ultimately we must change ourselves. if he DID magically turn into a reliable, decent, non-drama person i have more than a suspicion that most of us would no longer be interested!
and i too have behaved in ways i’m not proud of, mostly towards the ordinary decent guys who actually liked me; the ones who were a bit crazy i was all over like a rash.
Such an insightful set of comments, debra. Thank you. I too recall recognising quite early on that part of my intense response after the ‘AC’ dumped me, involved me trying to distinguish between my poor past behaviour with others, and his with me. I characterised him as a worse version of me. In a certain way, I continue to believe this to be true, but I have a far more relaxed, humane view of it all. It’s not that anything goes – I choose not to have him in my life because I don’t trust him to be straight-forward or respectful with me – but I can far more see the common fear in his reponse, that mundane, self-regarding fear that you describe so well. Here’s to working on our own selves!
I agree with a lot of what you wrote , yet I need to add this thought. All men and women bring old issues and wounds to all relationships; I doubt that my sensitivity to abandonment will ever be gone, no matter how much work I do on me. What I am gaining by paying attention and working on me is the wisdom to see how my issues can negatively color my relationships.
Women tend to be much more emotionally aware, but men are increasingly becoming more so. Where the sparks fly is with the ‘my way or the highway’ mentality folks, and the worst of that happens when that is presented sneakily, passive aggressively or flip floppy.
I now think from the get go that you do have to be evaluating someone’s potential to 1) be able to even see the troubles that come with issues and 2) have the desire to talk about and work on troubles 3) have an ability and some intelligence to work to get somewhere positive.
I learned that some people prefer avoidance, drama and fighting to growth and communication. I know a man who feels stronger for all the battles . The same guy always blames others to avoid looking at himself. I suppose I don’t have to call him an AC but I do expect a certain level of maturity, emotional intelligence and reasonable behavior from an adult. A middle aged adult behaving like a child … well its hard to think of something nice to say about that, regardless of childhood issues. So you do have to pay attention and give some thought to evaluating the person you are getting to know.
But, like this post says, I also really needed to learn to pay more attention to me. I am learning to be very clear on what I want. I am asking hard questions of myself. Am I giving and getting what I want ? Is the other person giving and getting what they want ? A lot of people really do want drama and I don’t. By paying attention to me and what I want, I now know to leave incompatible relationships early on.
I learned the hard way but, I am learning to focus on me like I never have done before. Getting to know what I want is really such a positive experience. I realize I don’t want just any old partner or a mediocre relationship. And I am not sure why but that has given me such a feeling of freedom and security. This site rocks and got my thinking on such a good track.
ColorOrange,
how do you know that you’re not just manipulated into thinking that you did horrible things for which you should apologize? Some men have an incredible capacity to manipulate you into thinking that you’re the only one at fault. There are always two to make mistakes which makes the whole thing fall apart.
And another thing – when we’re full of emotion we don’t usually behave cool, collected, but are usually doing/saying the normal upset things. It’s human.
Do you really think you did him such an injustice? I should be careful. He might just have used your naivette to manipulate you first into reacting to him in a way that gave him an excuse to push you away and then to boost his ego (because you’re full of regret). Didn’t he hurt you as well? Doesn’t that count, too? Maybe it’s time to turn your headlights from yourself on others for a change.
To me it seems you lack perspective at the moment. You need to distance yourself from him and give yourself some space. Wait until the strong feelings subside.
What would you tell your friend if she asked you for advice on this problem? Seek distance, have the no contact rule (like NML wrote in one of the posts – how to do no contact at work) and let time pass. It’ll help you get clarity.
See my reply to Color Orange, this is exactly what I was trying to say.
The irony of this article is that I spend TOO much time thinking about myself – but not the kind of thoughts that are productive. I’ve recently been approached by a guy who clearly has a girlfriend but seems to want to convince me that she doesn’t exist or isn’t who I believe she is. People really blatanlty lie to get what they want? It boggles my mind…now what I think about constantly is ‘how come I always attract people who “like” me or are “attracted” to me but not someone who’s serious and wants to get to know me”? What is wrong with me, really? Because at this juncture, it can’t all be them, there must be a vibe that I’m giving off that says “hey, I’m like the bloody Carnival, the fun ship, no committment required!”. It sickens me, no exaggeration, that someone fronts authenticity, and says they ‘like’ you when all they mean is they ‘want to f***’ you. Jesus.
So when I focus on self – and the ex is not on my mind like he was, I’m focused on moving forward. But when you’re moving on and tripping over jackasses like the one I just mentioned (and what’s worse is I liked the guy, so I now have to fight my feelings and his advances becauses he’s a bloody jerk. I am so pissed right now), how long does it take to say that you really have ‘moved on’? It’s like trying to finish a level in a video game, they’re so many challenges to go through before you get to the next level.
niki
he isn’t lying that blatantly otherwise you wouldn’t know he has a girlfriend. you said you liked him and now you’re fighting him off. somewhere along the line you MAY have sent the msg that you’re okay with it. even if you did, it’s not too late to reel it back in and blow him off. sometimes, being friendly and nice, and laughing at all their jokes isn’t being true to your values.
maybe you need to hang out at different places or with different people. i’ve no idea what you do but maybe you spend too much time with groups of men who drink too much, take drugs, enjoy picking up girls etc.? do you laugh along when they’re being disrespectful. do you ever give the impression that you’re okay with questionable behaviour/comments? would you ever pretend that you’re okay with something that you’re .. not okay with?
but if you’re meeting these guys in church i don’t know what to suggest!
Niki,
Do you continue to engage when he flirts like this. or do you remove yourself from the conversation? When men who are attached actively flirt with me, I find an excuse to get away.
I’m sure these guys do it with most women-never know when they’ll get lucky-but it is dependent on us to stay away.
Niki, I found this happenining to me, to a ridiculous (and deflating) extent, for the first 6 or so months post-AC break-up. In Oprah-speak, it’s the world testing you to see whether you’ve learned your lessons or not. I also believe it’s simply hard to find men – nay, people – of integrity and maturity, but I think practising cutting these sorts of dalliances off early is a positive skill and builds confidence. I don’t think there’s anything you’re actively doing to send off that cheap-ride vibe. If you looked at it from a bird’s eye perspective, you’re probably just not in a very stable place yourself, and mixing with other people in transition, who can probably sense that you’re still a little raw. If my experience is in any way indicative, I suspect you will got to ‘next level’ once you get your own stuff sorted a bit more. Good luck!
Hi Elle! LOL @ cheap vibe ride, that’s EXACTLY how I feel! You’re right about finding people of integrity, as the population, along with appliances and clothing, no longer seem to be built to last…you also hit the nail on the head about being in transition and associating with like people. Thanks for the encouragment, it’s much appreciated!
Hello Grace and Allison!
Grace: You’re right, after I found out about the girlfriend, I should’ve distanced myself more. A friend of mine said the same thing, that he may have thought my ‘friendly’ behaviour condoned his advances – very good point. That’s usuallly my issue, being the good girl, decent, not being seen as the crazy woman. Note though, he never told me about the girlfriend, I discovered this through a different source. (My environment isn’t alcohol/drug heavy – the group we hang with is pretty tame lol).
Allison: I think you hit the nail on the head here, flirt wise. I really should have nipped it in the bud earlier and I didn’t. The problem was I didn’t know about the girlfriend until recently and now I have to reel in what had become common behaviour, which is us being very ‘friendly’ towards each other.
This stuff does NOT get easier as you get older. I do not find people I like easily, I can go a whole year and not come across one person that engages me or that I find interesting, so when I do come across someone, and it doesn’t work, I have a tantrum-like reaction:) Thank you ladies, for your comments, it helps to see things confirmed in black and white.
Hey Niki,
I found this happening to me too and i still do to this day! I am in a healthy relationship now, with a great guy, i have no interest in ACs or EUMs whatsoever and can spot them a mile off, but they still continue to approach.
They’re just chancing their arms. I don’t think it’s about giving off a vibe. Men aren’t psychic – if they don’t know you, they just see an attractive woman and try to engage. If you’re friendly, it gives them hope and they push it further (these guys are all about pushing it to the limit, as i’m sure you know). I have found that the key is not to focus on whether they approach you, but on your actions when they do. Focus on the thing you CAN control, which is your reaction to them. You can’t control whether someone is attracted to you, you can’t control someone approaching you – what you are responsible for is batting them away once they have approached you and continue to do so with every twit that comes along, without overthinking it. Don’t get bogged down in the ‘oh, why me?’. You did right by yourself by rejecting an unsuitable man – focus on that instead. Well done you!
Eventually, among all these dumb-arses, you will find a decent, respectful guy and, because you’re not busy faffing around with an AC, you will have the confidence and self-preserving mentality to be able to engage in a healthy way.
This is all from my own experience, of the months and months between the EUM and the decent guy i’m with now. I had to wade through an ocean of idiots, but i got there eventually. I hope this helps 🙂
Hello Minky, I feel you on the ‘chancing their arms’ bit. Like a fisherman casting his net and seeing what he pulls up? I’m glad you mentioned the part about meeting someone decent because you’re not tempted to be messing about with someone just to ‘fill in the time’, which is always a challenge when you’re lonely. Thank you so much for the kind words, here’s to getting to the other side of Idiot Ocean!
hello. i loved this post. i realized my “relationship” with said unavailable and i have to say it, so i hear it, narcissistic man left me like a wilted flower. i was a fiesty happy lady when i met him, but 8 years left me crumpled and defeated. i didn’t even feel or look like myself.. but since i have started NC (ok 2 weeks but I am moving along) i have been focusing on my health more. i really let me slide and i didn’t even see it coming until it was too late and i was in the er with a real sickness. I have been going to guided meditation and it is a good thing to do for me. Plus i have gone back to being creative again, something i lost when with him, because it was a “little too outside his norm” he said this.. ugh. anyhoo. thanks for the post… ciao.
audrey2
Hi there, I can really relate to the being a sparkly lady before hand and feeling crumpled post EUM. I felt the same, spend loads of time and energy focused on doing, being, catering to him… and feeling as though my pursuits were not what a girlfriend should be doing ot show her commitment/faithfullness!! Ironic really! This time spent on then develops a strong pattern (possibly driven by fear in some cases -fear of their aggression/leaving etc). The pattern is difficult to break even once its over -that’s why i think we may spend more time *still* thinking bout them rather than US. It’s also a common pattern that ‘nice’ girls have been socialised into, always thinking of/accommodating others. However, we need to be selective with our care and kindness, even if we have to be smarter in 2011, at least we as women have more choices than previous generations. My X said to me towards the end: “What can you offer me?”!! Perhaps the more we can offer to ourselves (like they seem to), the less we would entertain that kind of ‘User’ approach from men.?. Take care of you 🙂
Nevertoolate,
I think that apologizing is meant only to apologize for your mistake (if you honestly think you made it and want to correct it) and not for trying to change someone. Of course he won’t see. And if you do it for making him see, he will feel it’s manipulation and won’t see the apology as sincere.
I think the whole point of apology is in trying to correct the wrong you perceive you have done to someone. And it makes you feel better about yourself, you’re validating yourself and proving yourself that you are a decent person, so you can move on (you should, anyway) and not constantly beat yourself about it. But that’s all there’s to it. The other person can accept it or not. That’s beyond your control, so no need to worry about it. The other person can apologize for his mistakes or not. But it’s not a give and take thing. He doesn’t have to apologize if he doesn’t want to. Sure you may think he must, but that’s not the reason for YOU to apologize.
But anyway, what good would his apology do anyway? Mine apologized, but I didn’t feel any better. The pain was the same, the outcome likewise, we’ll never be friends anyway (I agree with NML, it’s impossible)…