One particular area of self-esteem that people struggle with is around negative self-talk and being compassionate, and yet most of the time, the very people who struggle with this, have little problem talking and thinking positively about others and expressing compassion. It’s this disconnect between their beliefs, actions and their split lives that leads to a great deal of pain because they build up and give to others while starving themselves of the basics.
This got me thinking about my own journey and how over the years, I’ve become increasingly aware of my vulnerabilities and where I’m likely to be my harshest critic. It has been marrying up the me that interacts with others and my inner and outward self that drives my own relationship with me, that has brought me a great deal of clarity, contentment, congruency, and compassion. In considering my relationship with Em (my husband), as well as my two daughters, friends, family members and readers, below are the key things that I learned about my behaviour with others that have transformed how I treat me.
- I don’t keep going on and on and on and on and on about something. I say my piece / respond and then I’m done. I can’t keep going back and saying, ‘And then another thing…. blah blah blah.’ When I was a kid, sometimes a telling off could go on for days or even weeks, or I’d still be having something thrown back at me months or even years down the line. You can literally feel yourself shrinking inwardly. Of course if something big happens then it’s not going to be over quickly but what I don’t see a great deal of benefit from, is just going on and on about it for the purpose of making somebody feel bad. Sometimes we want to make a person feel bad enough that we then believe that sufficient punishment / remorse has taken place. I’ve learned not to keep clobbering me over the head about something. My energy tends to go into recovery / understanding, not beating me up for weeks and months on end.
- I don’t name call and berate. In the past, I’ve called myself some terrible things – ‘worthless, good-for-nothing’, ‘stupid/stupido’, ‘f*ck up’, ‘should never have been born’ and a lot of stuff that I’ll spare you from. Let me just say categorically that I would never speak to my own children let alone anyone else like this, so why do it to me? I got in the habit of catching and correcting myself and over the years, that nasty inner critic has faded.
- I don’t expect somebody to devote their present and future to finding ways to correct the past – trying to turn back time. I’ve spent more time than I care to recall trying to revisit ‘crime scenes’ either by hanging onto a situation or by finding a fresh person to validate me and allow me to feel that the previous stuff has been cancelled out. Hell, I’ve practically been out with every version of my parents! If I’m not expecting those around me to live in the past, why should I expect that of me? Don’t I deserve a present and future? Don’t you?
- I let it go and move on. Letting go is a decision and then you have to choose and keep choosing every single day to go towards letting go. I’ve been far more compassionate and forgiving in the past of others than I have been of myself and looking at the differences between them and me, it was simply that I held me to an impossibly high standard just so that I could tally it with the underlying belief that I’m not and never will be good enough. I focused on blame and shame, and each time something didn’t go my way, I’d see it as an opportunity to reopen the issue. It just ended up being a prison of my own making.
- I’m patient. Sure there are times when my loved ones are wearing down on my last nerve but overall, I’m way more patient with others than I am with me. My daughters have taught me so much and when they’ve been learning something new or they’re upset about something, patience has made the world of difference. I used to get really exasperated with me and all it did was bring up old anxieties.
- I don’t ignore them or hear what I want to hear. When we truly listen, we don’t just hear and then form snap judgements based on assumptions that we’re treating like facts. I have gradually learned to listen to my body and I listen to my thoughts and feelings, both the good and not so good without being so hasty to judge.
- I don’t expect others to live their lives perfectly. There was a time when it felt like I was a big screw up and everyone else had it so together but that was just a story that corroborated this idea that there was something wrong with me. My loved ones have far from perfect lives and I love them anyway, and in turn I’ve learned to like and love me too instead of holding me to an impossible standard that nobody else is living.
- I don’t keep reminding them of their mistakes. At one point, my self-hatred was so high that it was as if I was finding ways to rub my face in my messes, all while calling me names. This was cruel and inhumane. I wouldn’t treat somebody I don’t like in that way, so why should I do that to me? It was humiliating. Focusing on what I’ve learned or even gained out of painful experiences as well as showing me some compassion by recognising who I was at that time, what was happening etc, has helped me to grow. It’s not about letting you off the hook because that would mean permission to learn nothing; it’s about being willing to learn more about you and your choices and then applying it.
- I don’t kick them when they’re down. This is something I see people do all of the time – they’re feeling down and they put the boot in so that they feel even worse. You need you most when you’re struggling – are you there for you like you would be for a friend (hopefully) or do you bail? Be compassionate and supportive by doing for you what you likely do for others.
- I don’t encourage them to treat themselves badly. I’ve been very comfortable in the past with self-neglect, yet horrified for others.
- I accept them as they are, in full. None of the people that I like, love, respect, or care about are perfect. In the past, I’ve acted like I had to be perfect in order to be on their ‘level’. My daughters have also reminded me to practice acceptance because I don’t ever want to give them the impression that they need to be perfect in order to be worthy and that if they’re not, I (or others) will take their love away. I’m not perfect and like everyone else on the planet, I don’t need to be. You don’t need to be perfect either.
Your thoughts?
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An absolute perfect post. Great timing too. I have been applying these things for a while and slip quite often but still continue plugging at it and applying and it works. Brilliant.
I like being perfectly imperfect:) makes me feel good. Thanks for again great article!
I love this article. I think the answer to almost everything is compassion and when we turn it on to ourselves life becomes so much sweeter and we get over things much more quickly. I think one of the reasons I am not compassionate with myself so easily is because I feel that if I am soft and compassionate with myself I will just make the same mistakes over again. What I have found though is quite the opposite; with compassion I don’t make the mistakes again because I am operating out of a place of caring for myself and in so doing I act differently and that means not allowing uncaring people into my life. There is no longer a match; if I am caring for myself I attract other people who also care about themselves and me!
Thank you Natalie – great post and as Poppy says it is perfect for what I am going through these days.
Beautiful post, Natalie, and just what I needed to hear right now. I am so cruel in my self-talk, and this reminds me not to be.
Thank you!
Perfect. Thank you!!! Love and Peace
I can’t say that I have treated others any better. I have spent years waiting for everyone (beginning with mom and dad) to admit that they screwed up and to begin atoning.
In the meantime, I have known that others’ shortcomings have caused me to withdraw (what’s the difference between a shortcoming that asks for my patience and a red flag that suggests I walk immediately? that was a difficult one) – so why shouldn’t my shortcomings cause the same reaction in others? I worked at trying to be “quality”; and I still work at doing the growth and practice that would make me a good candidate for a healthy relationship.
My recent mistake at work, where I realized I felt like I was going to lose my shot at a job for my eft-up (yet again), made me realize that I expected others to react to me with the same revulsion and embarrassment that I have felt over my family’s ways of letting me down.
It has been some relief to realize that if I wouldn’t dump someone for my mistake, then they shouldn’t dump me either. Also, maybe even if I would, that I need to take a breath and ask if my reaction is appropriate to the event or if I’m replaying old hurts.
My folks really effed-up over including me in my niece’s birth but after getting really mad and hearing them apologize, I can’t see the point in rubbing their faces in it. This is relatively new for me. The old me would want to take the opportunity to remind them of everything they’ve ever not done when they were supposed to.
I suppose as I’m forgiving people their ‘failings,’ they’ve been forgiving me for being a judgmental ass.
“My daughters have also reminded me to practice acceptance because I don’t ever want to give them the impression that they need to be perfect in order to be worthy and that if they’re not, I (or others) will take their love away.”
Ah. Nail. Forehead.
I suddenly realise why I feel people will walk away from me if I dont do eeeeeverything right – because I got told “Im not going to talk to you again if you repeat that again/dont do as you are told” as a child. So deep inside, I think some part still thinks “OMG, if I am not exactly what he/she wants/needs, that means they dont think Im worth their time and they’ll walk away”. Swell.
I was expected to be perfect, yet I never was and never will. And I love that about myself. I wish parent knew their harsh words leave deep scars that even adults struggle with.
Atleast now, I know where my anxiety about people leaving me and never talking to me ever again comes from (Ive had this in the past 2 months, awful anxiety about being abandoned..makes no sense as an adult..but still crippled me).
I finally discovered the truth. Endless thanks Nat!
I have this sneaky, niggling voice in my head that tries to force me to be perfect. It’s there when I’m folding laundry, commenting here, reading, writing, eating, shitting. It’s there.
My response to it now is:
FUCK YOU.
I must say this to that part of my mind twenty times a day.
And I get in a few civil:
You don’t control me. I live life how I choose.
No, I’m not crazy, nor am I Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. I imagine a good few of us have that voice in there. I know where mine came from.
As a child I had a step mother who would abuse me if I didn’t behave and do chores exactly as she specified. Her specifications were impossible and absurd, yet, I got punished.
I can forgive her now. For God sakes, she was married to my father.
I have to reprogram myself. It’s been interesting and tiring.
Oh, Peanut , I feel for you.
And I know what you mean about de-programming yourself, sometimes it`s such an uphill struggle, like practically trying to change your fingerprints.
I have it too, the push to be perfect, or better, so “they” will love me. There is nothing, and I mean nothing that makes my father happy, there is always a “but” at the end of the sentence.And I called my mum yesterday ( I call most days) she asked how I was and as I started to answer her question she interrupted me and started to tell me all about what is new with my sister. This continuing situation with her is making me feel invisible or like a piece of shit, or both. At least I now respond by: my eyes glaze over, I finish the call fast and exit. I try to not take it personally…thank you Nat, it`s not me, it`s them. Peanut, for what it`s worth – you sound like a great person.
This is exactly what I needed to read about right now. AMAZING WORDS!!!
“It’s this disconnect between their beliefs, actions and their split lives that leads to a great deal of pain because they build up and give to others while starving themselves of the basics.”
My therapist has recently opened my eyes to the fact that I have let myself fade into the background, putting everyone else first – namely my ex EUM. I took myself about my owns life equation – how messed is that? What’s attractive about that? I starved myself of the basics for years and years so this journey of loving myself will be refreshing. I know approach each decision in my life as – whats best for ME? what will make me happy? damn it feels good and I think its make someone sexy who can say that! thats right, I’m sexy! woo!
“If I’m not expecting those around me to live in the past, why should I expect that of me? Don’t I deserve a present and future? Don’t you?”
This is a great insight too. I did this much to often – living in the past, wanting things to go back to the way they were – I wasn’t ready to let go of the familiar and endure some long term change. Im ready now and Im excited to be able to say that. It’ll be so damn hard but there’s no other option and I refuse to get stuck.
I also think thay part of the process of loving yourself is learning to love others. If you constanly judging others… “oh shes so fat, so old, so desperate” then it is very likely that you ate judging yourself too. Learn compassion for others and you will find that you are much nicer to yourself.
How can you love yourself though when you keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. I wrote yesterday about breaking up with a guy, where moments after I almost got robbed, I contacted him as he lived only a minute away and I got a measly text. By the way, I haven’t heard from him since, not even ‘are you OK?’…still gutted he just left me high and dry, I left his house in a state.
But this isn’t the first time this has happened. And this isn’t the first time I have faced the end of a “relationship” where I effectively sold myself out in order to try and make that person the right person for me. And this is the hardest part, I sold myself out and he still couldn’t be arsed enough to give a damn about me.
And I recognised this problem a very long time ago and somehow it still happens, I see myself getting sucked into the same patterns where I go in strong, and fiesty..and then something happens, they do something inappropriate or disrespectful, or make me feel uncomfortable or whatever else and then I find myself trying to find loopholes in which I could excuse whatever it is that they did, and continue with the relationship. It’s at that point, as soon as I’ve sold myself out I get into a cycle where I become increasingly pathetic, or find myself stooping to their level, I get depressed because am not being true to myself..and whoever it is that I’m dealing with respects me less and less.
So I am really hating on myself today, because I got myself into the same situation again. I’m 28 now and I really need to cut the shit out. Does anyone recognise this or has anyone here successfully dealt with this? I feel as if I have walked from this situation without my dignity. How do I get it back?
I feel a part of me is getting sucked away each time this happens.
Blue,
I strongly relate to what you describe! In my case, underlying this tendency is a fear of my own anger, of plain getting angry. It took me quite some years to discover that I had this fear, because there were always a lot of excuses that diverted my attention from my real motives. I would put up with anything so as not to cause any conflict. Perhaps it´s because I´m an only child and never learned to deal with conflict? It doesn´t matter, the thing I discovered is that I needed to learn to deal with anger instead of stuffing it away.
I don´t know how or why, but lately there´s been a shift in me and I don´t feel guilty anymore when I get angry. Also, I do get angry, something that I was unable to do before, somehow. I realised that I don´t have to judge my emotions, so now they flow out more easily.
Just yesterday I got really angry at my ex husband, I surprised myself. Our kids had been doing this “science” experiment in which you throw some Mentos mint candies in a bottle of diet Coke and there´s a huge explosion. They had already done it outside our back door and when my ex husband showed up to babysit, my oldest son wanted to do it again to show him. I told them not to do it inside as I didn´t want a Coke explosion so then my ex husband decided to do it inside. Yes. He just stomped all over my boundaries, in my home. A few minutes later I found them in the kitchen with diet Coke all over the place.
The good thing was that this time I felt my anger. In the past, I would´ve complained a bit, felt sorry for myself and ended up cleaning everything. Then I´d get depressed. Now, they cleaned up and apologised. My ex was completely taken aback by my reaction, I´d never seen him like that. I asked him how old he was, and did I ever go to his house to throw Coke around (I´ve never even been there) and wasn´t he ashamed of himself?
He didn´t know what to do with himself and for once, I didn´t feel I was being mean.
(Btw I never ever buy Coke and don´t intend to, the kids had bought it only for this purpose.)
This article really hit home for me Nat. My parents–who were the epitome if dysfunction–never liked me and were very cruel, and highly critical of me when I was growing up. In fact, they were verbally and physically abusive towards me, as well as each other. As a result, I developed an inferiority complex, which took me decades to overcome. I have finally learned to love and accept myself overall, but deep down inside I do not feel that I can attract a quality man who will truly love me for me. This is probably why I have not been successful in love. I cannot control whether or not I will find a wonderful partner like you have, but I can control how I love, respect, think about (in a positive way), and treat myself.
As always, thanks for your words of wisdom.
Hi everyone. Natalie, surely you have a crystal ball! How is it your posts are always so timely. Just what many of us seem to need .My motto is we never really know where people are coming from, what challenges they maybe (quietly) facing, so I’m always willing to cut them some slack. But not for me! Going to try to work on that, thank you so much for the pep talk. xx
Peanut, we had the same stepmother. If the food wasn’t cooked right, the knife blade facing the wrong way, shirts folded wrongly, faulty ironing, it (sometimes literally) was thrown in my face. Now Ihhave tried hard to be self sufficient, strong, get everything done, the farm, firewood, fixing the house, starting new programs at work, building a building, staying in shape. Couple that with a mind that is incapable of doing one thing at a time. The result often is a mess and me being very tired and no longer knowing what a “normal” level of daily accomplishment is. Trying to find a partner who respects my values so I don’t have to spend the rest of my time on Earth alone takes time, and for me, involves a lot of travel and gas money so I get further behind. A vicious cycle. I feel a lot of guilt over feeling as though I am just “going through the motions” teaching though my students are unaware of it. Part of me feels guilty as I should be damned grateful for having a high paying job, another part of me understands that after the AC debacle and because I have to constantly see him NOT having to be Aline, NOT struggling to do everything in his life alone, that the unhappiness in the workplace is probably a permanent issue, unsolvable except via retirement. Like Mags said, I do wish folks would atone but also understand that most folks really don’t do insight nor empathy and so I work on my own atonement (at one ment) and do my best to be sure I am not a source of pain for others.
Thank you for the friendly reminder:-)
I agree with every point in the post. The problem I am having is that while I accept all these points logically, I feel no better about myself. And I struggle to treat myself well; I am still neglecting myself. I suppose I’m being unrealistic in expecting/ hoping things to change overnight.
I’m working on this but I’m the same way – I want change NOW. I want to wake up and be able to say “my ex EUM treated me so badly, I don’t need or want his validation – I’m moving forward”. Yet I still find myself in moments of seeking validation to stem the feelings of rejection. Immediately when I do that, I regret it and feel I’m neglecting myself/falling into old patterns.
Like the article says – we’re not perfect. so now if I catch myself wanting to reach out to him I remind myself thats coming from a spot of low self-esteem/old behaviours, and I coach myself through the situation so I don’t seek validation again.
Be compassionate with yourself – no one is perfect and change takes time. It’s the little things that add up where one day they add up to a lot of self-love.
Hi Australia
It’s so hard sometimes. I haven’t reached out to ex EUM but have thought about it, and then I beat myself up for even having had that thought – even though I have no intention of contacting him. Or I beat myself up for feeling that I miss him (logically, I know I don’t miss him, it’s the lack of validation). Or I wish a message would pop up on my phone, even though I know that would be Worst Case Scenario. I should just say that these thoughts and feelings are fleeting but the fact I have them at all really rattles me.
I took myself off online dating, and I think I’m having cold-turkey side effects that are compounding the lack of validation. Because I did get validation, even from the creepy men who I’d never actually dream of meeting. But a message or a wink would make me feel good about myself.
And I beat myself up again for all the EUMs I’ve ever been involved with. It’s like it’s on loop in my brain at the moment, how little respect I had for myself. I think I stuffed it all away for so long that it’s taking forever for my brain to process it all now. I cringe when I have these flashbacks.
I wish I could click my fingers and it would go away, or rewind 20 years and have a strong word with that girl (me). Though it should be kind words rather than strong words, I suppose.
Change takes time, I must remember and keep reminding myself. I can’t manage the self-compassion just yet 🙁
I think you need to give yourself alot more credit starting right now 🙂
You are aware that if he contacted you, it’d be the Worst Case Scenario and you already know its not a good idea to reach out to him. Awareness is the first step in making these changes.
It seems you are reliant on others to validate you (Im not pointing fingers, I’ve done the same thing for 10 years myself- I’ve always banked my happiness on the approval and attention from others). The truth is there is something so attractive and awesome about someone who can validate themselves. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself. Write them down. I struggled the first time I did this, but each time I was able to write down more and more.
The reality is we can’t go back in time. I too cringe at many moments where I accepted crumbs and allowed my exEUM to disrespect me. But we need to re-live these moments to make sure we don’t EVER make these mistakes again. Forgiveness to myself is something I’m working on. Let yourself cringe, think about why you are mad at yourself, how you can do things differently next time, and forgive yourself. I think there is something very powerful in being able to say – “I’ve been through alot of pain and hurt, but I’ve not only survived, but become a stronger person because of it”. These things make us human.
Hi Australia
Yes it’s all about validation. I think this guy gave me more validation (endless compliments) in the very brief time I knew him than I’d had from everyone else in my entire life put together! It’s not about him at all.
I talked with my therapist this evening about getting the balance right between reflecting over past mistakes or bad experiences and ruminating/ beating myself up about it. It’s not easy. I sort of glaze over when she tells me not to feel bad or over think, because that is such ingrained behaviour. I need to learn new habits.
Thanks for your kind words 🙂
Hi MaryW,
I still struggle with trying to stop thinking “How does my ex EUM see me? What’s he thinking about?”. For so many years I’ve have sought attention from him and worried like crazy what he thought of me. I need to break that pattern – it is so so hard – realizing the relationship is over, he’s not what I thought he was, and that well, I neeeed to let go and worry what I think of me! Im trying really hard but I too, like you, still have moments where I wish he would reach out and validate me and validate everything I have ever done for him. That would be so much easier. I could stop all the pain in my heart at the moment and go back to la-la land. Go back in time to when we were so damn happy. Then I get back to reality and realize he’s not what I thought I was and I have alot of work to do on myself,and that work won’t go away with any guy validating me. So I might as well get to to working on me now!
I do the same thing where I ruminate and re-play experiences in my head looking for reasons to stay invested and blame myself. My therapist encourages me to see my part in my relationship with my exEUM but really to take it as a lesson in the future to never ignore red flags or disregard my feelings ever again. It is a habit – a switch in mindset to be able to see the positive from the mistakes. It is empowering though. Get your power back – you are powerful!
Good luck, I too am struggling a lot and have a long recovery ahead.
Mary,
You’re right, it does take time.
The other thing that helped me, was making many other life changes. In the past, I had a small social circle and didn’t get out often, I soon threw myself into anything, and everything to forget- most especially volunteering, as I could focus on others and remove myself from my pity party. I soon discovered new interests, and with them, came many new friends with similar value systems. The experience with the ex has been life changing, and I am very thankful that it happened, as it showed that I needed to make drastic changes, and this has improved my self-esteem, immensely.
Bad patterns are hard to break, but so worthwhile.
Loved this column by Heather Havrilesky, which is very aligned with BR. Definitely worth a read:
Yes! That is a great blog, and I am exactly like the girl who wrote “I feel bitter about all my exes and I can’t get over”. The advice is wonderful and really very aligned with the advice here at BR.
I need to get out of this negative circle of thoughts that I beat myself with. I’m trying to heed the advice given on these sites and blogs, but last week I finally had to admit to myself that maybe I need some external help too, so I was given a presciption of anti-depressants and I have decided to look for some therapy options too. At least I feel that I am at a point where I understand that the underlying reason for my problems, especially with relationships, is low self-esteem and that I need to learn how to like and love myself.
This quote from your post “It has been marrying up the me that interacts with others and my inner and outward self that drives my own relationship with me…” that got me.
Accepting imperfections in others but not myself has lead to nothing but a sad state of affairs in many situations. What would happen if I took the steps that you did and gave myself the grace that I give others without a second thought? What would accepting ME look like? I’m 49 I guess it’s about time to find out.
Treated myself with compassion this afternoon: we a mandatory “team building” all day meeting complete with sticky notes, crayons, and facilitator. It involved forced activities, sitting still, focussing on one thing at a time, none of which Noquay does well. When I contributed what it’s like to try and live in the community where your values are outside the norm, to try and make things better for all, the loneliness, feelings of being judged negatively because of where you live, the frustration, the facilitator interrupted our group and cut me off. The discussion had come about because so many of our employees have left the town. Later we did a “values” exercise and the AC was asked by the same facilitator to explain why honesty and integrity were his top values. His lies, hidden life, using me for ego strokes for two years, the final humiliation, in public, in front of another colleague, how it felt, all came back. I exercised self love and got the hell outta there. Went hu one, laid two batches of mortar, scored a truckload of free scrap wood and am preparing to clean the house. A fox sat and watched me work outside so I know that even if I find myself fired tomorrow, my leaving was meant to be.
Ugh, Noquay, I’m sorry that happened. So often those mandatory team-building things are not about actually hearing what people on the ‘team’ have to say, but about higher-ups orchestrating an opportunity for everyone to chime in to crow about how great things are and that the leadership is on track.
I have always appreciated leaders who are genuine in their solicitation of feedback because that genuineness isn’t always there.
Everyone says our dean is amazing but I don’t think so. I wouldn’t tell him that I think he excludes women from conversation, nor how it feels to see a boys’ club leading our faculty.
There isn’t any possibility you could be axed just for bailing, is there? You’re going for a bigger job, no?
Lilia… BRILLIANT. You should be proud of yourself. I bet you now he won’t be stepping over any boundaries.
Thanks Sushi,
That did mean a lot to hear that. Brought me to tears.
Noquay,
I cried when I read you had things literally thrown in your face. When something wasn’t done to perfection, I got that as well. I feel for you, too.
God, that woman hated me. She probably hated herself more.
Just got home from celebrating my 40th birthday with a dozen of my new friends from this town I’ve been living in for only a year. How lucky is that? I got a new dress, did my hair, and went to the foodiest restaurant in this hick town. I totally planned to pay for my own food, and asked for no gifts, but people brought little thoughtful gifts and someone took care of my meal.
I also had a great day at work – had to teach today and because it was such a milestone birthday I was really aware of how I was spending each moment. Talking to a class of young people about poetry and awe and love and words and awareness, and listening to them writing from their hearts – what more could you ask for, really? It ended up being a very validating way to spend my birthday.
It was intense waking up this morning alone, and thinking about my health, and thinking about my dreams of having biological kids, and being like, and now, I’m 40. But I got outside and did a short walk/run, felt all my anemic exhaustion combined with my chutzpah for being out there, and that too, seeing myself being brave and determined and flawed on a sunny morning was also a good way to mark the occasion. I have character, gosh darn it!
I thought of BR often today and how I would have liked to raise a glass with so many of you, friends I know only through your words here. Thank you to all of you who share here, and who have supported me; today I turned 40 single and childless, and it wasn’t devastation. In there as part of the sober reality check was a whole bunch of joy and appreciation mixed in with the loss. It was totally effing real.
If not for BR I might have met this milestone curled into a fetal ball; as it was, I got dressed for the ball! Thanks Natalie for helping me be kinder to myself and to others. Onward into a new decade.
Happy Birthday,Magnolia.
It is great that you went out and celebrated, a great example to set for those of us on the same road of learning to love ourselves.
Happy Birthday Magnolia xxx
Happy birthday Magnolia! I followed your story and congrats on how far you’ve come, honey!
Happy Birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAGNOLIA!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Congratulations on dressing up for your ball! You are worth celebrating! 🙂
NatLue,
Could you please write an article more precisely on learning how to be a better judge of character, like, not only in terms of dating, but in general, broad terms, whenever you meet ANY new person in ANY context? And then how to maintain that objectivity over time and not fluctuate in how you feel about that person? I am simply a poor judge of character and need a helping hand.
Lilia – I’m actually embracing feeling my emotions too & getting angry & confronting when I need to & I let myself do that. It’s definitely true that certain people are less compassionate with themselves than they are with others. I’m starting to thing oh well I may have made that mistake before & I might make it again but my intention is/was not too.. & even if I change now it’s not too late….the mistakes of the past are done & I’m trying not to think of them. I know I know it’s a shame we learn these things late BUT at least we learn. I find being compassionate is exercising, eating healthy, working hard & having FUN!! It’s definitely more fun with only my daughter & me…we do not have to worry about a complaining perfectionist Dad & husband.
Noquay…what a horrific experience..these exercises are so phoney so much of the time…but to have to sit there and listen to the rah rah for the ex…revolting.
I have been going through a lot of processing on why I gave so much compassion, understanding, thoughtfulness, appreciation, consideration and empathy to the ex but not only did I not GET these from him but I took his emotional disengagement and passive aggressiveness (forgetting, being ambiguous, blaming and guilting me if I brought things up, not appreciating me, undercutting me and ignoring things that I said were important to me and playing the victim) and turned it in on myself by adopting HIS view of me…that I was too demanding, controlling and was never satisfied.
In reality I am quite flexible, generous,open, collaborative thoughtful, considerate, empathic and have a lot of capacity to be happy and enjoy situations and people.
I see that I believed these negative pictures of myself because I lacked self esteem (that was one part of it) but I think I was also brainwashed and lived in an environment where I got confused and lost my sense of self while in the relationship. I rebelled from time to time but never had enough confidence to act in a strong way.
In reading about these very passive aggressive relationships lately I have been struck by the cluster of qualities that were in my ex, even things like intentional inefficiency but particularly the forgetting…of everything and then the denial this occurred. There are many women out there in long long term relationships like me who somehow became brainwashed and talk about it taking along time to recover from the mind fkery which is profound. I think this is the process of relearning that I have been going through in the last few months and it is difficult to understand why I put up with it. I can only say that I didn’t really understand the TOTALITY of it, how subtle it was, how destructive and how I contributed to it too.
One of the hooks that kept me IN the relationship was the Jekyl and Hyde type of personality my ex had/has. He comes across as friendly, helpful, dutiful, genial and responsible …on the outside. Like your lovely ex AC Noquay!!
To me he has always disrespected me and has not acted as if my needs were unimportant. His “appearance” of being such a nice guy also made me doubt my own perceptions about the strength of my own feelings about how I was being treated. This again is a characteristic of these passive aggressive men. And hard for the partner who is so angry to get out from under.
Lately I have been really practicing talking to myself in a soothing way and seeing that it is a lot less hassle and more positive when I can validate myself and not have to go to the struggle of “trying to explain” to an ex who didn’t listen and didn’t want to understand.
Espresso,
I was nodding in agreement through everything you wrote.
“I have been going through a lot of processing on why I gave so much compassion, understanding, thoughtfulness, appreciation, consideration and empathy to the ex but not only did I not GET these from him but I took his emotional disengagement and passive aggressiveness … and turned it in on myself by adopting HIS view of me…that I was too demanding, controlling and was never satisfied.”
I too am going through all this right now. Of course self-esteem is a big one for me as too why I never had a problem putting him first. Almost like I was programmed to ignore myself and give more and more and more to him. Part of me knows that initially all my feelings and effort towards him came from my amazing ability to love, but as I kept giving and giving to no end with little in return that came from my lack of self-love. So now I too am trying to talk to myself in a softer and more compassionate way and give myself that love I never I gave myself. Im slowly seeing the importance of NC and the clarity distance brings, and that its the only way to self-love because if I engage with him I’ll just keep on giving and giving more to him and I’ve already realized how that won’t bring me happiness. I definately feel mind-fked, confused and lost. Like I’m floating in the open dark ocean – having been tossed overboard by my ex. But his boat is looking less and less attractive, as I realize that even though Im out at sea by myself – hey I’m swimming and I’m surviving! And soon I’ll be so strong from all the swimming!
wow. amen to that. A while ago I posted on here and shared about how we have been jabbed with their oars, chucked overboard and trying to swim to shore. Im a mermaid now, free, to swim or rest on a rock….it will happen…keep on swimming…I do literally.
x
Hi Suzy,
It’s empowering to know that all we need is ourselves and the self-compassion to ride the waves and welcome the waves without judgement.
I love old movies…watched a 1931 movie last night and one line has stayed with me all day. “It’s not what I want it to be.” It was said by a 18-year-old to her married boss who was trying to hit her young stuff, offering himself up to be her sugar daddy.
Such a simple statement. But so profound for me. I want to blame AC for not being the man of my dreams, but he never lied about what he was. I did a LOT of projecting.
I have thought about him, missed him, come close to hitting reset, but I think about how it REALLY is. It’s not what I want it to be.
And that is why it is over and will remain over.
That is the bittersweet truth.
Yeah, we can continue to say it is their fault. ACs are very willing and eager to take advantage of our projected hopes and dreams…..for ACs, it is all about “getting all they can”.
But as that line of the proverb goes “You knew I was a snake when you picked me up”.
I am storing that movie line in my permanent memory, because it fits me so well.
AC, I may sometimes slip back into fantasyland in my mind, but the reality of being with you is “It’s not what I want it to be”. So, I may ride the wave of pain for a moment, but knowing that the reality of being with you is “It’s not what I want it to be” eases the pain.
I’ve never fantasized about marriage, never thought I wanted it. But AC felt like home to me and actually made me think that marriage might work. I am a homebody and like steadiness and reliability and good-natured family fun. But just as outsiders felt my parents had the “perfect marriage” (they did not, as I said in another post, they divorced about two seconds after I moved out), that is how I feel about AC….that his marriage is about as good as it can get. But in re-evaluating, I can see things he’s done that shows that his wife might really be quite unhappy and lonely with him. He’s finally falling off the pedestal in my eyes.
I struggle with understanding what is meant by “seeking validation”. I think of the times I constantly checked and re-checked my e-mail, looking for a note from him….when it came…I suddenly felt sated…did not even need to SEE him…..so is that me feeling validated? “Someone out there cared about me! I’m not alone! “ Sad, isn’t it.
Elgie R.-
“I struggle with understanding what is meant by “seeking validation”. I think of the times I constantly checked and re-checked my e-mail, looking for a note from him….when it came…I suddenly felt sated…did not even need to SEE him…..so is that me feeling validated? “Someone out there cared about me! I’m not alone! “ Sad, isn’t it.”
When I was a kid there was nothing about me physically that seemed to please my parents. Of course, there is no pleasing people who only see perceived flaws but all the negativity stuck. I know I’m not cared about by strangers but whenever I get complimented or asked out, I feel attractive and that’s normal. Where I think I’m crossing the line into external validation-seeking is when I don’t want to date anyone but still want the compliments and the date offers so that I still feel attractive. In fact, I think I want to start dating again but, when asked out, I lose interest in dating because I get the external validation that I’m seeking–feeling attractive and, yes, I’m sated. Thus, I’m still emotionally using men to feel ok about my appearance.
My father also told me I was stupid. I still remember his compliment, “Rosie’s not too bright be she has a heart of gold.” Thus, the men I have chemistry with are men who think I’m smart, sweet, and like my body and that’s it. They are uninterested in getting to know me and having a real relationship. Even when I was pseudo-engaged years ago to the drug addict, all we did was have sex. He had no real interest in me; he thought he knew me because I’m sweet, smart, and he liked my body.
Although I have other priorities than dating right now, I still give up. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a real relationship.
Blue, BR has helped me identify this inauthentic behavior in myself, too. For me, I think it comes down to being more afraid of losing the relationship than being invested in maintaining my boundaries and honoring myself. It is really hard to draw a line in the sand that you know may mean you have no choice but to walk. But, as you say, if you don’t you lose respect for yourself and others do, too.
You can end up feeling bad staying or going but I now know it’s better to be alone than to compromise myself. I need to work on why I would value being with someone who doesn’t allow me to truly value myself
In my last relationshit, I allowed myself to be disrespected and devalued for so long, I’m still spinning, trying to make sense of it and being angry at myself after more than a year NC.
I have learned so much during my AC recovery, though. I know I am making progress. You are fortunate to recognize and work on this at such a young age… You are almost the same age as my daughter!
fx. yes…more afraid of losing the relationship. That makes sense. A relationship that feels comfortable in its agony, something I learnt and got used to in my relationships in my childhood.
But that’s such a load of crap! I have grown and learnt to be me, love and get on in life and survive,…..yet somehow, I got sucked into all that bullshit.
Thanks God for BR. Thank God.
We are all ok, and theres a way out of all this.
The odd thing is, even when you start to walk the real route, that is to love YOU, its so strange. I have met and dated someone for a year now. A Fab guy, but I still have to learn about myself. Fortunately he’s a healthy kind guy, and I have space to do that.He actually truly values me. And Im not used to that. But fortunately with BR, I can work out how it all should be, and take baby steps towards contributing towards a healthy relationship. Im not used to that and have many times had the potential to mess up. Lucky for me, ive slowed down, waited for me to unfold, and learnt about me, and how be part of a respectful relationship. Thank God for BR.
I was afraid of losing the ‘relationship’ with the AC. It was comfortable and familiar and went on way too long. I’m NC but still see him at work meetings occasionally, where he acts as if we’re old friends and that does set me back. I feel so angry and used. I wonder when the anger will go away. Its been a while. He seems to find it amusing that I don’t want to be ‘friends’ now that he’s moved on to a couple of other women (although when I was with him, he was seeing other women who he insisted were just ‘friends’)I feel so angry, gullible and stupid that I fell for all his BS – the holidays he promised me, he’s now having with someone else, but couldn’t get around to that with me. He actually said we were ‘old pals’ when I asked where we stood – glaring red light! clearly to him I was just a bit on the side, an option – for over 2 years. I’m making new friends (but refusing dates as I’m not ready) but underneath I feel worthless and stupid that I put up with all his BS for so long.It’s hard to accept that I meant nothing at all to him and watch him merrily get on with his life while I’m seething inside.I don’t want revenge, I just want to get over this anger inside. I know we’ve all been there and it takes time, but it seems to be taking too long!
So similar to me, shattered.
I see the AC around occasionally at work and he casually brings up old jokes or memories and acts like we are the best of friends. Then he proceeds to b*tch about me to our mutual friends calling me needy and wanting him back desperately (Hah!).
He was also seeing many many women (“friends”) when we were together and the week after I started NC he finally planned the romantic getaway he had been planning for me for over 6 months..with another girl. Who knew I could hurt so much?
I’m angry often, but I am starting to forgive and take care of myself. It has been over a year since we broke up and I have been on a few dates, but have stopped now. It is time to focus on me.
It takes time, but imagine just how much happier you will be. People say time heals and I am finally starting to believe it.
Don’t hold on to your anger. Just breathe deep and feel pity for him. That has helped me more. I hate him and still often do, but it is a waste of our energy and they don’t deserve a second more of our time.
Shattered, ACs love seeing you in pain. AC once said to me “All my exes hate me.” He was bragging.
The only thing that hurts ACs is being ignored and treated like THEY don’t matter. (Other than running over them with a car Betty Broderick style, I mean)
If this is your first real heartbreak, it is going to take some time to fully heal. But you got to remember your complicity in this fiasco, too. Your instincts told you something was “up” with the other women in his circle, but you projected your feelings onto him, and now you’re “shellshocked” that he could treat you so poorly.
Forget him. Don’t be his friend, it will make healing a lot faster if you flush him like the turd he is.
Mags
No, we have enough job security that I wouldn’t be axed, hollered at maybe. Yep, I am going for a bigger job – his. Happy birthday girl, mine is in a week and a half.
Espresso
Ironically, I was beating myself up for behaving in such a non professional manner and at today’s meeting, which I chair, many expressed the same issues, the facilitator being disrespectful, the utter pointlessness of the whole exercise. I was just up front about it. Yep, AC is very charming, acts helpful, at least in public, is extraordinarily handsome. Contrast that with a local dude that gave me a free truckload of scrap wood yesterday, short, overweight, sloppy, inarticulate, repeating himself constantly. While I am unloading wood, he sayshe to pee and proceeds to zip around to the other end of my (new) car, whip out his inniniwag (probably don’t need a translation) and urinate next to my car in my friggin front yard!!! Woulda been in front of me too had I not rapidly turned away. Then he proceeds to unload wood as though nothing happened. I didn’t say anything either as I was in shock that a virtual stranger would do this in front of a lady. This dude was maybe in his 60s, I am nearly 53. I thought to myself, “Noquay, here is one of the local dating pool, THIS is what you have to choose from”. Now you all can see why the at work AC looked so damned good and why I eventually did emotionally invest in a colleague, something, had I been in a normal situation, with normal choices, I would never do.
Noquay
Eeeuuwww!!!.
Ok, now that’s just naaaaassssssttttyyyyyyy!
wt#$%?
Noquay, this guy sounds disgusting! Really, where are the basic manners these days?
I’m thinking maybe he had a bowel problem and only got as far as he did before he had to go.. but I think I should really stop trying to picture this!
Oh honey, I’m sorry you compare the AC with this jerk. Sometimes I also feel like my AC was a God among men compared to many of the uncouth blighters I seem to meet, but then every once in a while I meet nice gentlemen (not mine!) who show me that chivalry isn’t dead.
Have faith. I’ve also had the AC explain why he could never ever lie to anyone (he cheated on me and was a compulsive liar) to all our mutual friends and then frame me as the criminal.
If I was not so shocked I would have punched him in the face! I’m glad you took your dignity and self-respect with you and walked out. You don’t deserve to put up with that!
I don’t think that it is merely bad manners. It is a calculated insult. Even a five year old knows to ask to use the bathroom or to take himself well out of sight.
There’s a misogynist aspect to it- you’re a single woman and I can get my dick out whenever I want and there’s nothing you can do about it.
In this country it’s a criminal offence to urinate or defecate such as to cause offence. Offence was exactly what he intended.
Mymble,
Think you may be right. This is more than just an idiotic idea.
Disgusts me how people can do this to innocent bystanders just because they happen to be women.
Noquay,
Talk about “unloading his wood.”
Noquay,
Could this be some sort of macho thing? I´m thinking I´ve had the same experience once or twice as well. The first time, on my first ever date with a guy, when I had no experience whatsoever with men. I asked him to take me home asap and felt guilty about it afterwards because he told me I was so strange.
Come to think of it, one of the things about my ex husband that drove me insane was that he would pee in the washbasin because, he explained, then he wouldn´t have to use so much water to flush. But perhaps it was just a way to mark his territory?
Some guys really do need a brain transplant.
One of the men who came to cut down two big trees in my back yard a couple of weeks ago asked if he could please use the loo and took his filthy boots off before going into my house and he thanked me kindly for letting him.
I had to laugh at your description of this prize specimen peeing right in front of you, kind of like a dog lifting his leg. I’m guessing you are going to let that gem sink to the bottom of your local dating pool? I’m also guessing that he can stick his next load of free wood in someone else’s yard but if he offers you can tell him to keep it in his pants or you might set the dog on him if he exposes himself again, or turn the hose on him …
Sometimes I despair, what are some of these guys thinking, they’re like alien beings.
Stick with your principles and beliefs, I have been to many of those pointless time wasting meetings and opened my mouth and said so, most people agreed and I don’t think you will get fired for that. Most people do appreciate someone who is upfront, truthful and has the courage of their convictions.
Noquay, yes on surface the AC looks miles above this idiot you just dealt with, yes he’s charming and handsome – but remember, the AC peed all over you, just in a different way. And in a way that was ultimately more disrespectful and hurtful than your crude wood guy.
Espresso
Forgot. These Jekyl and Hyde types are the worst; not sure where you stand, not sure if you did something wrong. Keeps you on tenterhooks for years. Stay strong, eh?
OMG expresso your ex sounds just like mine!
Came across nice, a genuine caring person would do anything for anyone so appeared to be the nice person which made me feel guilty when I need to be heard regarding my feelings, and what I need from the relationship. I have constant battles with myself about walking away from the relationship. I had to for my own sanity as I was no longer the person I was at the start of the relationship, I was constantly seeking validation from him I could not see he was abusing me in a sense of the confusion he caused, my head felt like it could explode. I had a lot of red flags during my time with the ex AC but I chose to work through it thinking he will change and when he was sorry I believed him. It still hurts to this day that this person who I fully trusted would treat me this way ( Is this the brainwashing?) especially as he was ignored himself by the ex wife who treated him like crap through their break up! Yet still would bend over backwards for her for the sake of keeping her sweet for no hassle regarding the children. It was doomed from the start. My self esteem took a nose dive as I was competing with her and the children, I already lost at the starting blocks.
Also it’s interesting to read that he made out to be victim as I was accused of bring “too suffocating” as I didn’t stand for his cr*p! I was very conscious of not being her and undermining him as he was downtrodden in that relationship to a point where he got away with murder and I forgave him for things others would have kicked him to the kerb. I punish myself for those decisions every day…
Oh Noquay..Thanks for the graphic desription. I REALLY see what you mean!!!
It is really understandable why somebody with like the ac would have seemed so special in this context. He must just revel in this. You deserve SO much better.
And Purple Lady…thanks…yes it is a kind of mind numbing thing and it is so destructive to live with these kind of men, as you say. I think it is taking me time to recover. I really feel like I was traumatized.
I have been reading a bit about the cluster of passive aggressive characteristics of some men and honestly I did not realize how many things “fit” like never expressing anger openly but simmering all the time and undercutting and blaming. I never SAW how he always plays the victim for everything and how his favourite phrase is “I can’t” I can’t change, I can’t meet your needs, I can’t find a place to live, I can’t do all this work…etc etc. Oh and the giving TOO much information or not enough….overwhelming me with irrelevant work details (we are still working on some business together) but missing entirely the important things. I knew about his “qualities” but didn’t see the patterns as clearly as I do now.
god! Surely!! did we all date the same man!? Jeeeesus!
So the last few posts have been akin to a prizefighter knockout combo for me… not only in what I’ve been accepting from others but also what I’ve realized is my nature… hard headed.
I want to say “I believe the best in people” despite the smell, turdy behavior and total lack of respect for me, I’ve been hell bent on thinking they were an undiscovered prize instead of the pile of poo they were. Even in my moments of clarity when i note what is in front of me and choose to sidestep them…. shortly thereafter i turn around and step right into it only to find out… yup, its poo.
I’d love to learn to fully trust my intuition and not wait around for them to do n be just who I thought they’d be. You’d think it would be a good thing to be right like that…. but all I’m seeing are moments of my life I can’t get back… wasted on insensitive, rude and selfish people. Friends (and even exes) have said im a great catch… and Ive finally come around to knowing that for myself…but yet I still settle for less. Weave me a good story about how poo is your disguise and the groupie flies just cover up your awesomeness and im all trying to look at you as roses n lollipops. It makes me wonder what I see in the mirror… but most of all it makes me want to get these things at first glance and not after 3 or 4 times of stepping back in to confirm that yup its (still) poo. All this seems to confirm I’d rather be playing with poo than realizing my dreams/potential. Ouch.
Magnolia,
Happy birthday. I understand exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. In the last 10 years I have been through hell and back with men and relationship. I will be turning 35 in less than 2 months, alone and empty. Most night I stay awake wishing when will my luck gonna change. I know age is only a number and everyone keep telling me I am very pretty and smart, but I don’t feel like I am most days. The sad part is I look like 26/27 and keep getting pick up by pretty boys who are like 24/25 and they are immature and childish. Recently I meet this guy (he is 28) and I thought he is someone I could see Myself with, he turn out to be a massive jerk. Right now I lose all hope in finding my soulmate and scare that I will be alone for many years to come.
Thanks FX and Lillia,
I am still thinking about what happened, and my family and friends can’t understand why I would be so upset. But I think the way it ended, how horrible it was and the way I had, like I said, sold myself out…that’s what makes this so hard.
I felt like I had lost my voice and small. For exam-ple the other day, he wanted to discuss us, at a time suitable for him, so I had to wait until he wanted to talk to me and then when we got talking he ended the conversation abruptly because he didn’t want to talk anymore. He was controlling everything, and if I didn’t like it, there was a real ‘my way or the highway’ mentality, with little compromise or compassion. He tried to blame everything on me, when I know, I have been with men before where we didn’t fight and disrespect each other in the way we did. In fact, I have had a seven year relationship where for the first few years we rarely fought at all.
I think there is really something to be said for, if you are in a bad place, which I feel I’m at now because I have been under pressure with college and having this fear of failing…you are more likely to end up with people who will “confirm” for you the bad things that you feel about yourself. That guy called me abnormal the other day, and that is one of my worst fears, that there is somehow something fundamentally wrong with me. And I was acting abnorma becuase I was supressing my feelings for the most part because I was a) afraid of losing what I though could turn into something and b) a bit intimidated by him.
Anyway, I don’t know why I let it go on for as long as I did, we were both miserable. We were very attracted to one other though so I guess that is what kept luring us back to one another, I’m not sure. To this day, four days later, I still havent heard from him after what happened with the near robbing and assault. And that hurts.
Thank you. This is timely for me like many of the other readers. I berated myself for the 100th time last night for losing my husband because of mistakes I made. It’s been almost 4 years – I think I better stop doing that to myself and move on. I will keep this post of yours in my favorites, Nat.
Inniniwag!!!! Ha ha ha.
That’s onomatopenic!!
Thank you so much for the insight. I broke my foot earlier this week, which prompted me to need help. I couldn’t ask. Not worthy. Although had someone called me and asked for help, I would have dashed off in my pajamas. What the what? Why the double standard imposed on myself? Still struggling with this on day 5. Wow. Ow.
Suzy! Does seem that way, it seems to be part of a mans genetics!!
Based on the fact that our moms were friends, I grew up with 2 psychologically abusive girls, sisters 2 years apart in age, with me being younger than the eldest by 5 years. I have not spoken to them in almost 6 years; only in the past few years I may say “hello” or “goodbye”. When I cut things off with them, it was after the elder sister insulted me on a holiday, where she, her sister, & their parents were guests at my parents’ house.
Last week, my mom & I attended a bridal shower where we had to sit with these women & their mom. At one point, when I started to speak, the younger sister started to drink her water, then the elder sister, & then their mother–all within the same second.
This was a very passive-aggressive act. The message being: “you talk too much” (or the like). (And I was keeping conversation wit them to a minimum!) In spite of them knowing that they have acted like jerks before.
How could I have handled this? I just ignored it. But I hate the fact that they made me look like a loser to another family friend at the same table. How to handle them in the future?
They curry-favor with my mom, as my mom is very successful at her business (& used to introduce them to guys)! Note also: other people–including their own family/cousins–stay away from them b/c of this b.s., too.
Happy belated birthday Magnolia. Your good day and good thoughts about it put a smile on my face.
I think it was Sushi who mentioned the de-programming bit and I am still having a struggle with de-programming myself emotionally from the soul destroying situation I was in. I don’t necessarily have confidence in some of my judgements even now in certain situations.
I am struggling to have self compassion and to be kinder to myself but I am also going through real distress about MYSELF in my marriage..how I felt unhappy but never really accepted the man for who he was cause he said he was “trying to change” and although I “rebelled” constantly I never acted in a way that showed deep SELF respect. I know I need to understand and forgive myself. The man talked the talk of good intentions but never followed through. I don’t even think I SAW the depth of his incongruity until recently. He is a very weak man, but I didn’t want to see that.
Does anybody else also have the whole issue of how in many ways I just “couldn’t believe” anybody would treat me in the ways he did…because I just didn’t want to face the fact that I had put so much of my energy, care and concern into a man who didn’t give a damn about who I was or what I felt. I cut him so much slack. I have trouble feeling good about myself for that.
On the other hand I have come to the decision that I need to move out of this town when the house is sold. It is a new determination that even though we carry on part of the business i won’t see him or worry about being in the same town as him. I might have liked the choice of staying but he plans to stay here as he plans to stay in the house until the last minute….inconveniencing me. He still busts my boundaries pretty constantly when he can. I have come a long long way from wanting to be “friends” with him after the break up.How sick was that?
Espresso,
Self compassion takes years to learn – you have to unlearn the self destruction first. I think you’ve made the right choice to distance yourself from this man.
It is important that you find your peace of mind far away from where you may be constantly running into him.
But more than anything, keep trying. You have to wake up every day with a purpose and with a dream to make that day better than your last.
I had the same problem with “wow did this just happen???” when I was facing relationship abuse. I was falling apart and I was in shock at the same time. But this is not all bad news. It means you’re waking up. It means you have finally decided to see that the treatment you got was unacceptable and have started to take action.
It is never too late.
It is also easy to talk. The ex AC was always full of ideas about how he would prove his love to me etc, but unless you see actions, take it with a whole bucket of salt. These men are all weak. It takes a strong man to keep promises and to cherish a woman. A weak man gets by without these qualities.
I’m sure everyone goes through a phase of wanting to be “friends”. A part of me still hopes that one day me and AC could be friends, but it is a deluded, misunderstood and a very very small part of me.
Good luck on waking up, be proud of you.
Uh, I treat everyone the same, including me. ALL THE THINGS YOU POSTED I Do with everyone and me. Shit, i am still pissed at someone i dated two years ago, and i have no problem using the c word with her… Even now. I have been reading this blog for about a year and the only thing I ever got from love is that it is bs. It doesnt exist. Not from self or anyone else. It is a joke, a lie most people use to make themselves feel better. I have gone to counseling, done intensive treatment, endurance sports for meditation, al anon, co anon, been on meds, ect. Love is a joke and that is all it will ever be. People say they love you or that they are trustworthy or that they give a damn, and those are all lies to make yourselves feel better.
Personally, this shit is shit, and i am just going to be me from now on. Everyone on this planet is a worthless liar, even me.
No need to respond
Ripley,
Sounds very sad and lonely.
Remember, much of the time it is the toxic people WE choose. If we make better choices, we are less likely to end up in these soul-destroying relationships.
I hope you find some peace, as your anger is eating you up.
Wiser
Yep, you are right. This dude is probably somewhat senile or his brain was fried during the 70s as so many folks here in my age range are. That and I felt great sorrow for a fellow human that was probably raised this way. Sorry, but the old mining generation that is so adulated here were crap role models. This was an extreme case but this is the kind of man one deals with when you are older in this region. Very crude, unlettered, very into guns, motorised toys and it’s not that they’re evil, it’s that I feel they truly know no other way in life. The AC, however, knew he causes hurt, has caused hurt to many, and does not care. Again, you can see why so many of us women gravitated to him, given our other choices. I am so tired of other colleagues telling be I should settle for some version of woodpile boy, that since I am older, that’s what I am worth. I worked hard to self and formally educate myself to escape the sort of upbringing this dude had. As much as I try and improve this community, generally for folks such as he, we are considered the “white trash capital” of this state, please forgive the racial epithet. I am spending myself broke trying to upgrade my looks, my wardrobe, driving hundreds of miles trying to meet folks who function and will overlook where I live. At this point, I really do wish I could completely kill the need for intelligent exchange of ideas, kill the need for meaningful human interaction, for touch, for sex, everything; now you understand why. Maybe to do so would be a great act of self love, eh?
Noquay … Funny you should use the term white trash. My ex bf’s ex wife refers to me as “white trash”. He asked if it hurt my feelings. Not in the least. I’m not. What she says says more about her, not me. Its actually kind of a joke at my job. One of our coworkers/friends ran up to me the other day, acted like he was picking me up, and said, “I’ve got to take out the trash!”, and giggled.
WE determine how we feel about ourselves, even if the whole world might disagree.
I’m still having a lot of trouble being nice to myself…I don’t seem to have any problem being “too nice” with everyone else…but I’m getting there. I guess it just comes down to boundaries and self-respect. I’m married with my high school sweetheart, my best friend and a great man. Of course we have had our ups and downs. Times when I’ve felt just invisible (he once told me it was “normal” to have sex just once a month and not being affectionate…I said to him I’m sorry but it’s not normal to me…and then it’s when things started to change for good…)We’ve been together since I was 16 years old (I’m 36 now) and he was the first and only “man” in my life. Of course I’ve been attracted to other men…but it’s very difficult for me to trust and besides and I’m terrified of STDs…that’s until I met the biggest jerk on earth. I met him when I was doing my internship to finish a master’s degree in psychology (ironic). I immediately felt attracted and more than that I immediately trusted him since day one…what a mistake. He is also married…two times.His first marriage was “disastrous” and his current wife is “excellent” but still…he doesn’t see a problem in cheating on her. He is 15 years older than me and he is HIV positive…yes…and the worst of all is that I pursued him. We had sex just once (thank God) but I became obsessed. I couldn’t stop looking for him…now I understand I was trying to justify my investment and trying to validate the biggest mistake in my life. We never saw each other again, every time we had the opportunity either I said no or he said yes and in the end he just disappeared (blessings)but we kept texting…and sexting…I just couldn’t stop…until he ended it and treated me like less than trash…he said to me I was “too complicated” and that he had enough problems and I was just one more problem for him. That’s it. He initiated NC and we have not spoken in almost two months. At this time I just thank God it’s over…I’ve been tested twice and I’m HIV free thank God. My marriage has gotten much better…we can’t keep our hands off each other now…but I’m struggling…some days I just feel that jerk was right in treating me like a piece of trash and I think if my husband knew…he would treat me worst…and that I would deserved it…I’m still trying to understand what happened to me? How could I? How was I so stupid and blind? There are times when I just want to disappear…but then I remember all my blessings…I know times heals everything…
“I’m still trying to understand…how could I? How was I so stupid…the biggest mistake of my life..”
Wide Awake, I too am married to my best friend and a great man. I met him after I broke up with the other biggest jerk on earth, the math professor. I’ve had a happy long term marriage, and my story is
I ran into mathman again. No one in my life obsessed me like he did. I’m NC with him since Christmas ( in the same room though once a week).
He too is older (11 years). After spending these many months on BR and self examining my actually very content life I wondered what on earth happened that I fell for him again INSTANTLY. My insight now is that he was the only man in my life who was my father figure, pushed all the “please validate me buttons”. My husband has never been a father figure, he totally accepts me and validates me. But if we have unresolved father needs someone along the way of life is going to trigger that and we will project our father desires onto that person. We become wide awake realizing it was never a love relationship (trust, respect, commitment, boring future planning, paying bills, raising kids, taking care of in-laws dying type of living a life together until death we do part-in sickness and health, richer or poorer, better or worse…)but searching a child’s need for love from her father. Maybe this applies to you to.
Simple pleasures,
Thanks for your response. Searching a child’s need for love from her father…you are totally right. Let me tell you something, I recently had a dream with this guy, the only dream I’ve had with him.In the dream he was sick and he was on a hospital bed.I was next to him hugging him and I felt so much love and pain.I was able to recognize it was the same love and pain I would feel for my father…and when I looked at him again…it was my father who I was hugging, not him. I realized somehow I was seeing my father in him. Now that I think about it I guess I was trying to replicate the same triangle between my father, my mother and I. I have always had a great relationship with my father…I was daddy’s little girl…and even though he has been a great father…he was the biggest jerk on earth to my mother…I lost count of how many times he cheated on her to the point that she ended at the hospital with nervous breakdowns several times. Sadly, I’ve always had a horrible relationship with my mother. Every time my father was having an affair she just stopped talking to me for months, and said that I was her worst enemy because I refused to kick my father out of our house. I guess she just wanted me to side with her, but I just wanted to be left alone and not involved in their problems. I guess this is unfinished business for me and I need to work on it.
Simple pleasures,you are a very smart and strong woman, seeing him every week and maintaining NC, good for you. Hold on to that.
Everything happens for a reason and we just need to find the lessons behind it.
I wish you the best.
Only as a very mature adult thinking about the impact of our parents on us, I have been thinking how my mother must never had had her emotional needs met, that not only was my father emotionally unavailable to me, but her too. You married, had children, and coped.
I think about what I was missing, and then think about her marriage. She was like so many of us here, soldiered on, devoted to her husband and children while none of her needs were met. I feel more sorry for her, than me.
I think the idea is not to feel sorry, but to realize how a situation that is in the past ,(that’s how I considered it)may still be affecting us and influencing our actions. You are right, maybe our mothers or even us didn’t have the perspective or the opportunity at the moment to improve our situation, but I think the idea is to open our eyes now that we still have the chance and change what we need to change.
Natalie, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned to your blogs when I need a pick me up, or when I need to learn something about myself. You are so fu of experience and wisdom and I truly appreciate your willingness to share it. You have no idea how tremendously you help. Thank you so much.
Recently I had a rather deep insight that has me now assessing, rather objectively, my situation with abusive narc/eum lover/”friend” the same way i would if i were speaking to a girlfriend.
Like, imagining my best gf telling me the latest poop pile her man put on her, what would i say?
and then taking my own advice. If my gf said to me that her “friend”/booty call whatever said ANY of the crap mine said to me? PLEASE! *FLUSH* and yet i stuck around for it and more and more.
This helped me get some space from him and my situation long enough to initiate detachment.