Years ago I descended to the depths of fluff brained woman when I dated a guy and ended up loaning him money that I never saw again. More than six years later, despite being very loved up with the boyf and the arrival of my new bambino, it still grates that I got suckered for my cash, but it taught me a very long lasting lesson that I wish many other women would grasp – If you have to start bankrolling your man and you’ve not even been together that long, I’d grab your handbag and make a run for it before you end up out of pocket.
I regularly get contacted by women who complain that they keep finding themselves in relationships where they end up either being the breadwinner or the financier of his lifestyle. They often end up being taken for a ride and wonder why they keep drawing in these money grabbers.
Like many things in life, if you have a habit of finding yourself at the same crime scene again and again, it’s time to start asking what you’re doing to contribute to the situation.
Often when women find themselves in this situation on the regular, it’s because they have either a Florence Nightingale habit where they like to ‘take care’ of their men, they have an often unacknowledged need to control their men, or they’re trying to buy love. Not one of these things means anything good, no matter how well intentioned and at some point, it is very likely that it will all end in tears.
It doesn’t matter that we no longer live in the Dark Ages and that we’re supposed to have equality amongst the sexes – We often don’t have that equality and on top of that, many men are still programmed to be providers and their ego’s will struggle to be on the receiving end of a woman’s financing. And just like when women accuse men of having expectations of them based on the fact that he’s the breadwinner, women are no different. Human nature can’t help but often put a little caveat there that if we provide the money, he should be for example, more loving, caring, accommodating, obedient, and any number of things. Plus in an odd twist, many women subconsciously want expect their men to be the provider so there is a clash of ideals and realities.
I always say that the male body is 75% water and the rest is penis and ego, which means that if your man is too comfortable with getting you to part with your hard earned cash, be very afraid. You’re in ‘player playa’ territory and in danger of turning into an accidental sugar mama. And trust me, no matter how good the sex is, even that will get stale and boring when you’re wondering when he’s going to stop looking for his ‘pocket money’ like Kevin the Teenager!
When you’re in a committed relationship with a man who is responsible, and you both have love, care, trust and a view to the long term, this money issue won’t rear its ugly head so much. However if money enters the equation when the relationship is unclear between both parties, there is a lack of commitment, there are already other issues at hand, the basis of the relationship or why she is giving the money, or why he is asking for it is dubious, you can only end up out of pocket both emotionally and financially.
It’s a massive leap of faith to trust someone enough to risk yourself and your emotions, never mind bring a financial decision into it. It is difficult to know sometimes whether you shelling out money is the right thing to do, but if you’re a woman who often makes dubious love choices, has vague relationships, or a penchant for attached or emotionally unavailable men, I would keep your purse under lock and key and decline the loan application.