Over the past few days I’ve been talking about sexual values to help you avoid sexual pitfalls, such as having sexual insanity by repeating the same actions but expecting different results, and trying to teach old dogs new tricks. Recently I wrote about questions that you should be able to answer about your relationship and I’ve adapted them so that you can ensure that when you do have sex, you’re doing it because you want to, are comfortable, and you’re keeping your feet in reality.

It’s not about trying to guarantee an outcome, but if you are trying to break a pattern and discover or instil sexual values, these questions will empower you to be confident about your actions. Remember, while we can ask other people, often we hold most if not all of the answers and really, if you can understand how you feel and your sexual values and values, you will recognise when you’re in a good, healthy relationship.

Do we share common sexual values?

This is stuff like the level of respect about sex. Is sex just a fringe benefit that they’re very casual about or are they the type of person who prefers to have sex with people that they genuinely feel there is a potential for a relationship with.

What are your values?

Do you think that sex is something that happens between two people who care about each other? This means you need to know that the care is there. Not pretend care, but actual care that you could only know about through actions.

Do you think sex is something that you only want to happen if you’re in a ‘proper relationship’? If so, make sure you are in a proper relationship rather than assuming that ipso facto you had sex so you’re in a proper relationship.

You don’t need to interrogate them but through casual conversation you can find out a lot about how people tick…if you’re listening. Especially in the early days, many people miss key red flags because they’re in the first flushes with rose tinted glasses and don’t want to pierce their fun. Unfortunately the very things they do ignore are the very things that will cause major problems and provide huge clues as to the true character of the person.

When there has been any sexual talk, how have you felt? What were their mannerisms like? Did they try to sleep with you on the first night? Have they been sexually explicit even before you’ve met, say for instance, on email or in text messages? Do you think they’re forward? If you’ve declined sex before, how did you feel afterwards? Was there any tension and if so, why? This gives a big clue into how much sexual emphasis there is in the relationship but also how things may turn when there is conflict or things don’t go as they expect.

If I do have sex am I doing it because I’m acting in line with my own values and boundaries?

Or am I having sex because I think it’s what they or the situation need? This also includes:

Are my boundaries intact so far in my interaction with this person? This means being aware of what your boundaries are and whether you have experienced any red flags. If you have had your boundaries crossed, have you addressed the situation and do you now feel comfortable both within yourself or that they are now respecting your boundaries?

Am I likely to feel bad about myself, or question myself and the relationship after I am sexually intimate? If the answer is yes, avoid getting sexually intimate until you are more confident.

Remember – if there are grey areas about your relationship, sex is not going to resolve them unless you’re using sex to smoke them out…

Am I actually being myself? If you’re not being yourself, you’re not acting with love, care, trust, or respect towards yourself or living in line with your own values, so how can you feel safe in getting sexually intimate?

Even if we are not ‘in love’ or have not said the ‘L word’, is there mutual care, trust, and respect?

Trust me, even though you may care about, trust, and respect them, are they to be cared, trusted, and respected, and do they care about, trust, and respect you? If not, or there is an element of them being on a pedestal, sex will only create more problems and distort the balance.

Sex confuses things – if these things are not present when you have it, you may assume they exist when they don’t.

If you are looking for a relationship, until you do feel those things, do not have sex.

Have I learned information about this person that has me hoping he will change?

Whether you’ve already laid out a Florence Nightingale masterplan or are betting on potential, it is key that you are being real about someone and accepting them in their real light as opposed to the false one created by projecting your ideals and fixing, healing, helping.

You can’t make real decisions about a real relationship or real sex if you are not being real about the person.

If you have funny ideas about sex tied in with a desire to change, that expectation of change will increase if you have sex with the view to change him already in your mind. You’ll correlate the fact that you have had sex with the reward of change and believe they should step up and comply – be careful of the hidden agenda.

Don’t have sex if you are rejecting ‘aspects’ of a person because you’re still not accepting the person which makes a dubious ground for sex and a relationship.

Do I like how he/she treats others?

If they treat others badly, they’re likely to treat you badly so be careful of having sex when you already know that they are not that nice because you will build up misguided expectations that because you have slept with them and the act is special to you, that they should make an exception to their rule of behaving badly. If they’ve shared dubious stories of how they’ve treated others sexually – be careful – you may be next in line. If you don’t think you are, ask yourself why you’re different and what evidence you have to support that perception?

Is what I want from this relationship what this person is actually capable of giving, not based on who I think they are, or who I’d like them to be, but based on who they consistently are now?

Again, having sex isn’t going to fix or change anything if you already have ‘grey areas’ about the person. If you are not being real about the person and have expectations of what the relationship will be based on illusions, you’re wasting your own time and energy.

Do I feel safe with this person?

Unless not feeling safe is how you get your kicks, having sex with someone who you feel uneasy around is going to, well, make you feel even more uneasy. Feeling personally secure but also feeling that you are around someone who isn’t detracting from you or acting selfishly in their own interests at your expense are very key. If you feel uneasy, don’t start a sexual relationship or get invested in a relationship until you do, if ever, feel safe.

There’s also the question of feeling sexually safe.

Have they been tested for STD’s?

Do they come across shady? Shady people have shady sex. Make sure you know where you stand.

Have they been pushing for unprotected sex even though you’re not comfortable with it?

Do you feel that they’re honest? Anyone can say they’re honest but if they’ve already told some lies, been disappearing, or had you caught up in drama that they haven’t explained properly, I’d proceed with caution.

Why do I want to be with this person/in this relationship?

If you can’t answer this beyond some superficial stuff, you probably don’t know enough about the person or enough about yourself and your own needs, which will have you flying by the seat of your pants and waking up in a relationship or situation that you may or may not want to be in.

Your thoughts?

 

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