Over the past few posts (I don’t know how I feel about you, I don’t want to hurt you, you’re out of my league, I love you but I’m not in love with you, and I can’t give you what you want) I’ve been translating statements that certain types of guy make and here are the last set taken from the comments. As requested by several…they will be available in a handy guide… More info to follow..
He says: I will never fall in love again
Translation: You are wasting your time – I will not love you so this can only ever be casual. I have no intentions of allowing myself to love again because I am afraid of love and the stuff that comes with it. Whenever I feel myself getting too close, I’ll sabotage it. I don’t want to love.
I say: With a mindset like this, unless he addresses why he feels as he does, he’ll make damn sure that he makes it a reality and will always be undermining your efforts. To deal with his issues, he has to recognise the issue and want to address it. If he won’t and can’t do this, you are barking up the wrong tree. Warning – if he’s interested in you, he may believe that he has picked up a signal that you are afraid of commitment also. Be very careful of being interested in people who offer the least likely prospect for commitment and then embarking on a validation trip to prove them wrong as there will be very painful results.
He says: As long as you get a text every morning, you dont have to worry (this is in response to being asked how he felt).
Translation: I don’t do feelings – I do texts. I’m the type of man that measures my interest by whether I want to send a text/email/IM. I’m lazy and a power freak. Now that I’ve said this, I’ll get a kick out of messing with your mind, because you know that this is how I will passive aggressively convey that I’m not happy, or I’ll use withdrawing text messages to manipulate your behaviour.
I say: This is a really arrogant statement and sets an unpleasant tone because of course, the moment you don’t get a text, you’ll think you’ve done something wrong. He’s controlling, arrogant, and unpleasant – not attractive qualities.
He says: All of my former girlfriends have been the result of the girl taking the initiative.
Translation: I’m lazy and I let the women do the work in the relationship. I’m just coasting along getting swept up by persistent women. If you want to be with me, you’re going to have to do the work.
I say: If these women didn’t ‘boss’ him into a relationship, he probably wouldn’t be in one which means his relationship efforts are half hearted. This is the type of person that expects you to do all the loving, all the work, all the everything. Don’t go there.
He says: I cheated on my last girlfriend with the girlfriend before that because I was going through a crazy time.
Translation: I have loose ends with my ex girlfriends, have cheated, but haven’t taken responsibility. If I go through a ‘crazy time’ again, watch out! – I may go and ease my stresses elsewhere.
I say: Red flag alert – unless this man has now made a clean break and is also prepared to be more responsible about his activities, you may be unwittingly living on the knifes edge of being involved with someone who reserves the option to screw an ex behind your back when things get ‘crazy’. Proceed with caution, question him more, or back away.
He says: I’m just a simple guy, don’t expect more from me than I’m capable of.
Translation: I’m simple and you will complicate my life if you start expecting, needing, and wanting more than I am capable of giving, which isn’t much as I like to keep things simple.
I say: He’s being fairly clear here – the key is to ask what he’s capable of. The likelihood is that it’s in stark contrast to what you want. Do not make the mistake of ‘simplifying’ your life to keep the peace.
He says: You give women an inch, and they take a mile.
Translation: I try to give as little as possible because I believe that if I give anything, no matter how small, a woman will take it and turn it into something much bigger.
I say: Selfish, selfish, selfish. And obnoxious. What is he? An ape? Rest assured, this man has less than crumbs to offer and will be guarded because he’ll be worried that you may expect, need, or want more than he is prepared to give.
He says: I would kill myself trying to make you happy.
Translation: Even if I’m not making you happy, you should be grateful for what I’m doing because I believe it’s a lot. I’m busting a gut here! I have decided what I want to give and what I think you need, and I will give on that basis. You should be grateful! I’d go to the ends of the earth for you…as long as it was no further than the end of my drive.
I say: Don’t take these words too literally and think about it in the wider context. Someone can be giving 10% but believe it’s 100% but that doesn’t change the reality that it’s a lot less. If he’s ‘killing’ himself giving you 10% and you know his efforts are very far wide of the mark, you know that he is incapable of meeting your needs. Don’t try to turn a crumb into a loaf!
He says: I’m sorry I cannot give you what you want, but unfortunately, you are what I want!
Translation: I’m a selfish good for nothing man. I’m totally focused on my needs – getting a shag/ego stroke/shoulder to lean on – and you’re it! I know I can’t give you what you want but I want you anyway, which means I will fake a future with you to get what I need in the present and deal with the consequences later. I’m not interested in meeting your needs.
I say: This is the type of man who is very likely to be the man of diminishing returns and also a dog in a manger – even though he has nothing more to offer you, he’ll be damned if he will let you move onto someone else because he hates the idea of losing out on a good thing. He knows he’s punching above his weight and needs you there for an ego stroke. If he lets you go, it’ll be a reminder that he’s not all that.
He says: I can’t give you what you want. IT will fail. I still want you to like me though.
Translation: My ego is in desperate need of stroking and I hate the idea of being perceived as an *sshole or not good enough even though by the very fact of telling you that I can’t meet your needs and guaranteeing the failure, I’m obviously not good enough. I want to be liked, even if I’ve done nothing to deserve it and I’m also the type of person where even if I’m not interested, I need you to be interested.
I say: The need to be liked in this setting ensures that he’ll be seeking
He says: I probably wouldn’t be a good catch for you anyway.
Translation: I know who I am and my limitations and based on what you’re saying, hinting at – I’m not the man for you. To be honest, I know you’re not the woman for me either, but it’s easier for me to say I probably wouldn’t be a good catch for you.
I say: Believe him when he tells you this – there is a reason even if he won’t be honest with you about it. Rather than sell yourself short and try to fit a square peg into a round hole, move on. Don’t try to be overly optimistic and latch on to the word ‘probably’ and believe there’s a little hope – he’s given up already!
He says: There are things you want to do that I have already done, and will never do, so when you get ready to do them, tell me and I will get out of your way.
Translation: I’m set in my ways, unwilling to compromise, and prefer to do things on my terms. I have determined what I’m prepared to be and do and won’t be shifting from my position. Anything you want that I don’t, I’ll just leave you to it – I don’t want to be involved. I don’t want to share experiences with you.
I say: Even if he’s done something ten times, it’s not been done with you. While you don’t have to be joined at the hip, this rigid mentality and lack of compromise or interest suggests someone who is just in for what they can get. They’re only thinking about themselves so if anything you want suits their agenda, you’re good. If not, you’ve got problems.
He says: I believe in the double standard.
Translation: It’s one set of rules for me, and another for you. I reserve the right to shift the goal posts and I am likely to go crazy at you and act all jealous, possessive, and controlling over stuff that when I do it, I expect you to suck it up.
I say: You cannot ‘win’ in a relationship with someone who doesn’t play fair, isn’t on a level playing field, has no respect for you, and makes things up as he goes along. He’s telling you that he reserves the right to do as he pleases – he’ll give himself many options while limiting yours.
He says: Because I’m not in a position to give you what you are looking for, maybe it’s best if aren’t as close as we have been in the past to prevent any emotional disappointment.
Translation: I want things to be casual. I know I can’t give you what you need but rather than opt out and let you move on, I want to keep you on ice, manage down your expectations, and enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without the emotional responsibility.
I say: If he cannot give you what you want and is saying that he can’t, move on. If he comes back saying he can give you what you want, he must prove it with actions. Don’t demote yourself to a casual relationship when you want more – it will only end in tears and if you call them on it, they’ll remind you that they told you that they couldn’t give you what you want. Any man that tells you that they can’t give you what you want – tell them to come back when they can. They may be never, but it’ll save you from throwing away your life on a gamble that’s not likely to pay off.
Your thoughts?
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It’s all brilliant!! ………. It’s so true how they don’t want you yet they don’t want you to move on! They like to keep you on ice. Every time he thought I was moving on he would try harder to win me back, only to leave me hanging on again!
It’s called ‘dog in a manger’ – they don’t want you but they lie on you in the proverbial manger to stop anybody else having you. Stockpiling you for a rainy day and keeping all of their options open while trying to get you to make them your only option.
ugh. i just got sick reading these because although i have heard them a million times from a million guys… im so aware to it that i have stopped engaging them. here’s where i got sick though….i just realized that i have recently said many of these things myself! i know what i am doing… and i am aware enough to try to control it, but i find myself even planning saying these things to some of the guys that try to date me. i guess i still feel genuinely broken (didn’t think i was until a guy or two showed up). i think though that i am just trying to be honest… and say.. im just not ready. im just not interested. but for some reason they still pursue me. at that point i am fresh out of ideas. i just try to not engage past that point, but then i feel guilty that im not even allowing to opportunity to get to know each other. but i don’t think that i am myself an assclown, really. i believe i have self awareness and i am trying to be forthright and maintain my integrity with some one who isn’t listening.
i think the more i read on this blog… the more i wonder… where does his (the assclown’s) responsibility begin and end? especially when we aren’t listening to him! i know that i wouldn’t be in this constant shame spiral if the guys i have said no to would just drop it. then maybe i could actually figure myself out rather than focusing on the distraction of our faulty dynamic.
I’ve been on both sides of the unavailable dynamic too, and it’s really only when a person is lying, stringing another along, faking a future, cheating, and that kind of deceptive stuff that they move into the AC-zone. In all kindness tho, if you know he is not listening and he wants more then the best thing would be to cut contact. You don’t need to be ashamed of having different relationship goals, but you do need to make them hear your “No”. If they won’t drop it then you have to drop them. You can’t expect the other person to change their goals because you want them to.
When you are unavailable, you attract others who are unavailable. The problem is that people often don’t realise they are unavailable. When you don’t realise it, you keep pushing for a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one, rather than moving on and looking for someone who does.
Excellent comment J that really gets to the heart of it. We must stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Forcing a relationship with the person who is least likely to offer up a relationship is looking for a limited relationship from a limited person and getting limited emotions and contribution and then wondering why it is limited – relationship insanity and the self-fulfilling prophecy.
The idea behind these posts was to open up your thinking. Each statement has been either outrageous, an excuse, a wishy washy explanation a twisted lie, or a responsibility dodgy whine. While them saying the line gives ‘life’, it’s us turning it into something other than what it means and discarding the true meaning that gives it extended life.
What you can learn by realising that you’re saying this is to understand why they do, but to also be more authentic in what you communicate. I appreciate you’re trying to be honest but where the problem with any of these statements is in some instances the lack of directness and the actions and expectations that result after you have said it. Unless you are prepared for what comes with engaging, stop starting something that in your heart of hearts, you know you’re not genuinely interested in – you are dating half heartedly and drawing the same conclusion you had before dating them. It’s OK not to be ready. And don’t ‘try’ not to engage – don’t engage after that point because then your actions match your words – I’m not interested. You’re also sparing the person mixed messages.
I should also add that we are all 100% accountable for ourselves so while we can put the focus on them and their actions, we have to look closer to home also and be accountable for a part as we made choices all along the way. There is a dynamic so when they do something, we fall in sync with a complicit action – they lie, we deny and live in illusions. They blow hot and cold, we turn up the drama meter, they tell us the truth, we disregard and assume we know better, they take advantage, we have little or no boundaries. That doesn’t make you responsible for his behaviour but you have to own your part.
@nml
Now I have found out my ex has been seeing someone…
So I guess when he was saying he “doesn’t know how he feels… at least nothing he can commit to” … what that really must mean is that he was hoping to slot me into a fallback position just in case his new relationship didn’t work out.
thoughts?
TJ
Scummy behaviour isn’t it?
It is deplorable behaviour. Disgusting.
BRAVA, Natalie!!
Love them all…can’t wait for the book. Hopefully, I’ll be able to buy a bunch and give them away to friends for the Holidays. I thought of two more which, if you don’t mind I’ll translate since this is your last post on this issue, but I think it’s one several women will relate to. If you’d like to respond to each please feel free, it’s your post and I’d love to hear your thoughts on them.
1. “All women are a little crazy, no matter how sweet. I just have to figure out what kind of crazy so I can deal.”
Translation: Everything that goes bad or sour or wrong in a relationship is due to women and their innate “craziness.” I don’t contribute to this “craziness” by my actions or lack thereof and although I may like you know, I know you’ll do something “crazy” like expect me to take you out on your birthday and when I don’t you’ll act “crazy.” But since I know y’all are crazy (i.e. hormonal) I’ll be better equipt to twist your actions and words to make me the good guy and you the nut case.
2. “All women have an ulterior motive, they just don’t know that they do.”
Translation: I assume, based on my deep dislike and mistrust of women generally that most women want to change a man and you ain’t changing me.
Both comments were recently told to me by a man who claimed he was very interested in me. I think they evince a deep rooted mistrust and disrespect for women as a whole and unwillingness to engage in and get to truly know the individual woman right before him. I think he’s controlling and a class A assclown/EUM. Needless to say I dropped him like a bad rash!
Hilarious – I love that you did your own translations which were very spot on! I know a few guys who claim that each of their exes are psychos – now either they have very bad luck, this is a complete exaggeration, or maybe ‘psycho’ means that these women didn’t take the ambiguity, mind games, blowing hot and cold, rejection and mind games too well. For some of these guys, it was simply the fact that she had basic needs and called him on it that warranted this term.
Kissie, I like your first comment about “crazy.” When the guy is being an A/C and I point it out, I get called “crazy.” NO, I AM NOT CRAZY! THE GUY IS AN A/C!
Absolutely spot on, these are all the same old trotted out “crumbs” these selfish assclowns throw us, that we read way too much into and so stick around a bit longer…
My very own assclown is a fan of the “hurting me for my own good” line, when the better version comes along every once in a while, and then loses all contact until it burns out after a month with her. Just yesterday, after many years of making me stick around with the “I don’t feel the same way, but I still care” line, as soon as BaggageReclaim made me challenge why he continues to hurt me I get “You only get hurt, because you care. Stop caring.”
Needless to say, I finally kicked him to the curb ASAP, and made sure he is unable to contact me again. Thank you so much for these last few posts of helpful translations. I’ve really seen the light. Let’s hope this final break, is really final this time!
Hurting you for your own good? Hilarious! Only abusers come out with crap like that. Put your jogging shoes on and keep running!
Thanks again Nat for the translations……..yep, you are right, SELFISH was this man’s middle name !
A wake up call when you say I was settling for “less than crumbs”…..no wonder I was so unhappy ! Turning specs into loaves I was, always trying to focus on the good in this man !
Yes…crumbs is bad enough but a fraction of crumbs is like dust! Flour even! LOL See the whole man not just the good otherwise the picture will be distorted.
These are awesome! I think the trick is that we hear what he says but don’t really LISTEN to the meaning. Or maybe think that he has been that way in the past but will find us so special he won’t behave that way any longer? I know I am guilty of that….misplaced hope!
Here are the 2 that I got from the last AC prospect:
1. I can’t take all of the drama bullsh*t with relationships, so that’s why I stay single. (Hello, why are you pursuing me then? I have already stated I don’t sleep with someone I am not in a relationship with!)
2. My time is extremely valuable. If I decide to spend my time with someone she must be very special. (or something along those lines, it was really like WTF? I wanted to ask him Who do you think you are?!? Because while it sounded like a compliment that he’d want to spend time with me, HOW ARROGANT CAN YOU BE?!?)
I think in most cases we obviously hear what the man has said. In a lot of cases we actually know the meaning ‘deep down’ BUT we don’t want to accept the meaning because we are so desperate to pursue ‘a relationship’ with this poor candidate that gave us ‘a bit of attention’ and we are so hooked on that little bit of attention that we put our own ‘positive’ spin on what something means to allow us to continue to be with this AC/EUM. We don’t want to face ‘reality’.
Elizabeth above made a very interesting point. Even when some people are trying to be honest and tell us the truth, we have our own agenda/can’t take rejection/have abandonement issues and that makes us pursue the person MORE! We think it is about THEM but it is more about US.
We are sometimes in hardcore ‘denial’ and spend time over analysing and doing mental acrobatics and exerting too much time and energy and end up confusing ourselves so that in the end we don’t know our left from our right and can’t make rationale choices whilst in this state. A rationale choice being to simply ‘move on’ and stop wasting time with someone who cannot fulfil our needs.
However, sometimes it doesn’t help that these AC/EUMs are so emotionally unstable and self-absorbed that they themselves are the Masters of the ‘mixed messages syndrome’. Some, in order to facilitate their possible need for an future ego stroke.
They might say ‘I can’t give you what you need’ but will follow it up with ‘I can’t live without you’….. immediately followed up with a distancing/houdini/witness protection disappearing act until they are ready to come out of hiding when it suits them to. That is when we get all those outrageous and outlandish ‘narcissistic statements’ tossed our way by them, for us to chew on.
And so the dysfunctional dance begins all over again…….. if one allows it to.
The best thing is to live and definitely LEARN. This is where we can take back our power, confidence and self-esteem.
Another *excellent* comment – “They might say ‘I can’t give you what you need’ but will follow it up with ‘I can’t live without you’….. immediately followed up with a distancing/houdini/witness protection disappearing act until they are ready to come out of hiding when it suits them to.” is so true and made me giggle.
We can’t change them and the best way to deal with things is to change ourselves. Don’t allow a fertile ground for their bullsh*t, call them on their conflicting statements and actions, and be aware of our contribution – if we deny, we are just as much responsible for the lie and its impact. We must make the connection between our own actions and the results and not chase false relationships with limited people.
Yes we’re ‘hearing’ but we’re not ‘listening’.
1. I can’t take all of the drama bullsh*t with relationships, so that’s why I stay single. (Hello, why are you pursuing me then? I have already stated I don’t sleep with someone I am not in a relationship with!) – Yep – he’s shaking up the t&c’s and if you stick around, you are accepting a casual relationship with pain to follow.
2. My time is extremely valuable. If I decide to spend my time with someone she must be very special. (or something along those lines, it was really like WTF? I wanted to ask him Who do you think you are?!? Because while it sounded like a compliment that he’d want to spend time with me, HOW ARROGANT CAN YOU BE?!?) – Oh please! He obviously rates himself! In his own warped way he does mean it as a compliment but he’s conveying arrogance and the fact that he puts himself on a pedestal. Most women hearing this and not attuned to the signs will actually think he’s extra special based on the statement rather than on his actions which are unlikely to match up.
Oh, I had the opposite problem. When I tried to “hear” what the “real” meaning was, I got accused of “dwelling on problems,” “being to introspective,” “being too analytical….” you name it. What, for saying what I heard?
Ya I got
“I am sorry I didn’t fall in love with you.”
Translation: I am just saying sorry to make you feel better – I am not sorry and I never intended to fall in love with you anyway. Soooo you should just leave now because I done talking to you.
Totally agree – he’s not sorry at all. It’s so patronising to say something like that anyway like ‘I know you want me to fall in love with you but I couldn’t. I know I had no real intentions of it but I’ll let you think it’s something you did and that there was a chance, but you blew it. In reality, you never stood a chance.’
Wow I made the list AGAIN! I must really loves me an AC/EUM. Another great post NML
LOL Thank you!
Yes – all so true.
I didn’t feel uplifted after reading it though. Perhaps after this book – which will be great I have no doubt – there can be another one on the solution…
For men and women on how to be in a relationship!! with success stories…
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..How to Amp Up Your Inner Hottie =-.
Hi Cathy – understand you want a different type of post. This series of posts was specifically about translation and the issues around it. There will undoubtedly be other posts on other subjects tied to this – there are 1091 on the blog! In the meantime, there are plenty of solutions honest conversation with yourself, why relationships don’t work out, knowing if you feel good in relationships, ten fundamental lessons on boundaries in relationships, dropping the illusions of words to be actions focused, Are you a responsibility dodger or a ‘but girl’?, fifty thoughts , get out of stuck and much more.
Thanks NML –
for some reason mine sounded even more desperate and pathetic than the others. Lol.
I’m sure some of you have been in a situation with your AC where it actually became worse over time? Instead of building a foundation and letting it grow and becoming closer – it seemed like the longer I stuck around and took him back, fed his ego and road his pathetic excuse for what I would say is a childs penis – the shittier the treatment …and the disappearing acts went from weeks to months.
After a while he didn’t even bother to explain himself, it was like:
“I don’t want a gf. (he didn’t even bother to write the full word GIRLFRIEND) but i treasure our friendship.”
Fu** i was pathetic to even argue with someone that would write me a bullshit text like that.
6 months NC,…. i can’t believe i’m still thinking about him. Sometimes i catch myself missing him .. embarrassed to even admit that. 🙁
I’m sure it’s not sounding as you think it does – it just feels personal to you. Keep envisioning his mini willy and his crappy character every time you miss him. When you remember the good (if there was any), be real and remember the not so good – see him as a whole. Using ‘gf’ to say something like that speaks volumes….
Oh!
How many of you have heard –
“Well i’m sorry you feel that way”
UGHhh… drove me crazy. basically him saying –
“I did nothing wrong, what you feel is your responsibility/problem!”
Parasite!
Mine actually used to say “what you are feeling is your responsibility its nothing to do with what I’m doing”, this was when I called him on being a cheating liar.
Once again Natalie is right on the ball. I don’t know how she does it! She just GETS these men and their gimmicks. I’m always amazed at her articles, and let me tell you, it takes A LOT to impress me!
Having said that, I’ll express that Natalie’s many translations of the sample statements can be boiled down simply to: “I just want to F you without giving you any love, so if you’ll allow yourself to be treated like an unpaid whore so that I can use you at my whim and on my own terms, then we’re in business, lady!”
“I just want to F you without giving you any love, so if you’ll allow yourself to be treated like an unpaid whore so that I can use you at my whim and on my own terms, then we’re in business, lady!” – Can I get a aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen!
ouch!!!! true….
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaamen Sister A! You wrapped it up tightly! That is exactly what it means.
Amen, sister A & Natalie. “A”, sometimes it’s good just to be reminded of that–thank you–and it really is that simple! This keeps me in the EUM free zone!! Thanks again!
Yup, she’s right, it all boils down to that
I call myself “Used” not b/c I was used for sex, b/c I was not. Rather, I was part of the ex-EUM’s road back to his then-ex, now-wife, who he himself had used for sex, had abandoned, but had wanted back, and had kept going back to!
I want to think that he did not intentionally or consciously use me. BUT, when I look at how he treated others he dated–how he dated these women only a few times before going cold–and compare me and these women to how he always went back to the one woman after she continuously told him to get lost when he did things wrong, I can only come to one conclusion: he loved her.
Which is fine. But my pooint is that, even if you don’t “give it to them,” this does not affect how they view you. If they want to see you a certain way, for whatever reasons (for example, wanting someone else instead of you and they use looking you as “easy”–even without basis–as a way to not feel badly for how they will act), they will see you that way!
So don’t feel badly. The women who aren’t having the sex ( a lot of times, in different ways, including the above) get treated badly, too!
(Then men wonder why no woman stays a virgin until marriage anymore! They caused this to happen!)
The worst part is, other women who continuously proclaim how they, “nice girls”, finish last and who know me, the EUM, and his wife IGNORE me as if I were the one who was the cheap woman. How to solve this? I have cut all these people off. And I am at peace. I don’t have to worry about anything concerning these people.
My husband, though, I LET him talk to the EUM and his wife. The fact that he is not speaking to my friend, but is talking to the jerk and his wife, is fine with me. It serves to make the EUM very uncomfortable: it shows him how much of a jerk/hypocrite/problem-causer he is! Let him feel guilt!
You have to hold people accountable for their actions.
Really good post NML.
The little book of ‘AC/EUM Translations’ will definitely be a best-seller!
There is something surreal and emotionally hard-hitting about seeing converations/sentences from your relationship in print.
It either totally validates what you already knew or it wisens you up on what you knew but really didn’t want to or it enlightens you on what you were at best, naive about and should have known but didn’t.
Either way…….. we would NOW know and have no excuse!
its quite amazing how they all use the same lines, the WORLD over. Do you think theres a guide they all read ”How to Keep Your Unpaid Whore in Tow’
AMEN
I agree with having been on both sides of the dynamic but I hung around only because again I was immature in thinking that my first bf and I could have been friends. There was a short nc after which I contacted him and to me it was always friendship and only recently with all the self awareness I have told him that we shouldn’t chat anymore if he still is hanging on to hope. Feel that it will help him see the light (though I must say both of us had other relationships in between). But I can say that I never did anything for an ego stroke or lied. I genuinely was not self aware to realise that this contact wasn’t healthy. As for the second bf who got me here, he said all of these lines and he also interspersed them with other things. I never realised until NC that his claim of sensitivity due to a horrible past and confusion was selfish on his part. In fact had I not called him on confusing behaviour in the friends after breakup phase, things would have gotten worse. My only regret is my anger that I realised once NC started never got an outlet. I wish I could expose the asshole that he is so that other women don’t get caught up in this.
Yes, these types of guys are all A***holes and as such, the sh*t that continues to flow from their mouths can not be stopped by us. Mine gave me the “I can never love, I don’t know what love is” crap after telling me over and over how amazing I was, how I was his only one and how he never stopped thinking about me. After all the hot and cold treatment, I accused him of mind games during my first attempt at NC a couple of years ago and he flooded me with texts and calls but not before turning the blame and same accusations back on me. Then, when he got me back to where he wanted me (and yes, I was a hopeful idiot to allow it) he started the withholding. It was classic: “I don’t do feelings – I do texts. I’m lazy and a power freak” which NML correctly translates as above. He messed with my mind and used withdrawing text messages to manipulate my behaviour. He also said he couldn’t give me what I wanted but proceeded to tell me how much he wanted me (!!!). I had never felt so TOTALLY emotionally and mentally screwed up with anyone else before! It even affected my health.
@ learningtomoveon…
NC isn’t easy… I get the whole anger thing: anger at him for treating me like that and wanting to expose his true colours because he continued to believe that he was always the considerate one, even with his poor treatment; anger at me for letting it continue for as long as I did; but I also feel sadness at times and even miss the little communication I received… I guess its akin to a grieving process. Like NML says: concentrate on the bad times and rotten treatment. I have a list of these on me all the time, so I can remember the real AC/ EUM that he is and be happy in the knowledge that I am moving on to a saner, happier and better life.
How about the infamous “it’s not you, it’s me”?
Translation: It IS you that’s not good enough for me.
what I learned the last year, if I have to “translate” anything by making up my mind what it could have ment, and I try to figure it out by myself, cause of being afraid to ask him or if I ask him I still don’t know what the hell is going on and I am just left with some more questions like a never ending “Lost” tv show – THEN LADIES SOMETHING’S JUST VERY WRONG!
In a healthy relatonship all those things are rarely discussed, cause their is simply no need for it….
I am so happy to be in a better place now, I am not this person any more who got caught up in these crumps of shit. And it is funny to read it now with a clear mind, not in pain any more. Jesus, was I blind!
Mine made the cut too 🙂 Thanks Natalie!!
one more: “I am sorry for any hurt, I want you, but now it’s not the right time, let’s things evolve naturally”
Translation: I don’t even know what this means but I know this is what you need to hear to keep you on ice and to make you believe that building up some standards for you is an unnatural way to let things evolve, so it is your fault, please wait, in case I make up my mind I want you to jump.
NML Thank you for translating mine about the text. You are very wise, he was and is a very LAZY, passive agressive, and power freak man.
I didn’t see it back then when I was with him but eventually I realized he was bad news, so thanks for reassuring this.
Most of my adult life I have been very observant and I listen. I have heard so many men make the comment that, “women fall in love first with what they hear between their ears” and not with what a man demonstrates by his actions and behaviors. I believe we are nuturers, care givers and empathic by nature and so often our emotions get in the way of rational and logical thinking when it comes to relationships with men. I even have had to detach from my own brother, because he tries to manipulate and control me with words. For me now “actions speak way louder than mere words”
Just remembered another classic I got several times :
“I’m not going to be your lapdog”
This statement in his eyes absolved him from ever, ever considering my point of view. It was only ever about him.
Also, “I don’t know” means just that. He is not ready, not sure, not wanting you 100 percent. So why bother?
If you want to cool it off that’s ok – I’d still like to be friends though = I don’t care if you walk but we can still fuck from time to time right?
That might not be everyone’s interpretation but I can guarantee that was his meaning since my offer of friendship was met with a disappearing act Bin Laden would envy.
No pretend friend = no sex = I’m going to sulk in my man cave till you come back.
Eve-
After my ex-EUM’s wanting to prevent “emotional disappointment” email, he followed with, “That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, but that’s up to you and what you’re comfortable with.” I take that to be the same message that you deciphered from your EUM too: Friends = f**k buddies. It’s crap and I am not longer putting up with it.
Round 2 and five months NC 🙂
and if we were dumb enough we’d let them. I half want a confrontation so I am can ask if I have doormat tattooed on my head BUT if we didn’t give them the green light for this behaviour they wouldn’t try it on.
same a pre-sex. Quick responses to your messages /texts.
Post sex – I’ve been busy! 🙂
Really? I hope you have a good memory because that’s all I am from now on.
Actually – I’m almost tempted to offer him sex and be a no show, just to see what his reaction is after I’ve told him to get lost for the 3rd time. I’d put money him saying yes no matter what I said. Idiot lol
.-= Eve´s last blog ..Win me free rent =-.
I so so wished I had discovered this site earlier… everything now makes perfect sense and I wouldn’t have wasted the last 3 years had I read and understood. Now I really do – did the right thing many months ago and broke off all contact – took a while but now it feels great and am seeing other people. I hope that all females with the relationship issues that are addressed on this site get to know about it. Keep up the brilliant work.
“I’m sorry, I forgot.”
= You are not important enough for me to remember dates, promises, or plans. You are an option, I have many other priorities.
“I’m sorry but you ……”
= Invalidation. An effort at turning the tables so that you (now ridden with low self esteem) accepts his bad behavior as your own fault.
“You have trust issues.”
= You need to ignore my bad behavior and turn a blind eye. My behavior isn’t a problem, your reaction to it is a problem to me. Don’t confont my behavior.
“She’s just a friend”
= She might very well be but if she”s been a secret trust your gut.
I have another one: I didn’t tell you sooner/at all about *insert something bad I did or do* because I thought you couldn’t handle it.
Translation: It’s me who wouldn’t be able to handle your (probably natural) reaction to this.
Thank you for using one of my comments in this post! Now I feel “validated.” HEE HEE HEE! Seriously, your response to the comment was EXACTLY what happened. And then the dude had the NERVE to say that “sometime in the future” he wanted to have a “conversation” with me about what went wrong. YEAH RIGHT! He had no intention of having said “conversation.”
How about this one ”I had to lie because I knew you r issues meant you couldnt handle the truth”,
the lie was about him living with a new girlfriend whilst seeing me.