A few months back, I wrote about 10 Guys That Make Dating Mistakes which was a rather tongue-in-cheek look at the guys who are a human barrier to their own dating success. I’ve decided to take a more in-depth look at these characters one at a time, with the first being Mr Too Nice to Date Twice.
Who is Mr Too Nice to Date Twice?
- Think that they’re ‘new’ men that aren’t interested in getting their leg over like ‘all the other guys’ even though that’s secretly exactly what they want! They suppress their desires because they think it makes them better and ‘nicer’.
- If their girlfriend isn’t happy, they’re not happy. They derive their happiness from the woman they’re with.
- Has lots of female friends, often acquired after going on a date with them and being relegated to the friend category.
- Often has more female than male friends.
- Has a skewed notion that if they assert their needs and desires that it makes them selfish so they struggle to put their needs first.
- Not keen on being assertive.
- Tend to ask before they kiss a woman.
- Don’t like to say no to girlfriends.
- Thinks they’re more sensitive than their male counterparts.
- Gets roped into ‘helping’ out people so they end up inadvertently becoming a handyman/chauffeur/lackey/general dogs-body
- Often called ‘sweet’;’cute’ any other words that scream ‘Nice’ but not for the woman in question.
‘Nice’ is an overused word that is getting both men and women the world over in trouble. We’ve got people being nicer than they feel and people thinking that ‘nice’ is a four letter word for roll over and get treated like sh*t. When it comes to men, there is many a man that believes that he is too nice and that’s why women don’t date him (or progress things) and there are a hell of a lot of women out there, that dry up and get turned off when they spend time around a man that they deem ‘too nice’.
It’s all one big merry-go-round – Lots of women like bad boys that treat them mean and keep them keen and lots of nice guys like the women that like bad boys, which essentially means we’re all chasing the wrong people. Won’t don’t Nice Guys go out with Nice Girls?
More importantly, why don’t these guys get a second date? Boys, don’t mistake ‘nice’ for pushover, drip, non-communicative, unassertive, drooling, being a yes-man and generally anything that can be construed as a lacking of balls. Being nice isn’t about letting her walk all over you or agreeing with everything she says because she’ll find it extremely boring. Mr Too Nice to Date Twice makes the mistake of thinking that if he’s that way that he should win the prize, but often women like to see the potential of being with a man who can take control (but not too much) and who can assert himself. Rightly or wrongly, this is the reality and until she either wants a guy who is super duper nice to the extreme, Mr Too Nice to Date Twice will always luck out.
‘Nice’ is also an adjective that many a man is hiding behind to explain away their lack of success with the ladies and the reality is that 1) People who really are nice just ‘are nice and don’t go on about it and 2) Are these guys entertaining the possibility that if they took a closer look at their behaviour and attitude they may find the real reason for the barrier to their success is a different personality trait altogether?
The key to overcoming the hurdle of being Mr Too Nice to Date Twice is to be more proactive about your dating success. Stop relying on what you perceive as your ultra nice personality and realise that when it comes to dating, you need to put yourself across and ‘sell’ your persona because leaving it to chance and hoping that she either drags it out of you or is wise enough to recognise straight off the bat the hidden joys within you is going to keep you away from the second date. Don’t make the mistake of becoming a ‘Bad Boy’ because you think that women don’t like ‘nice’ because you become bitter and twisted. Instead be a ‘nice’ guy with an edge – If you know that there is something in your attitude that is holding you back, improve it. If this was a job and you lacked assertiveness which hindered your progression, you’d either develop or improve it, or get a different job that doesn’t demand that trait. Likewise, when it comes to dating, either learn the skills that hold you back or start dating different types of women.
For the women that don’t give these guys a second chance, stop for a moment before you cut him off and ask yourself is it about him or your desire to be with a guy that is more ‘unavailable’ or creates more drama. Check to make sure that you’re being fair to this guy and maybe try a second date just for the hell of it. Some people are slow burners…
Also check out What is a Nice Guy?
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Kudos to the last ‘graf. Nice to see the onus isn’t totally put on the guy! Keep up the great work!
holy shit.
you just described me
There’s also a slew of so-called “nice” guys who are in actuality quite misogynistic.
Also, who wants to be “nice”? It’s a useless flaccid word that basically means “not offensive.” (I guess hence the pushover tendencies.)
you hit some very good points here. very keen and observant. there’s a site and book: nomoremrniceguy.com which goes into a lot of depth about this.
also, NML, you’re pretty hot. let’s go out when i come over to the UK 😉
exactly.
I don’t think there is much mystery at all as to why “Mr. Drippy, Please push me around” doesn’t get a second date. Most women seem to want someone strong in their life, someone with the potential to look after them if it came to that. And I see this even with assertive, career-oriented gals – they still want a strong guy.
Fletcher – Absolutely – women need to learn how to like a nice guy instead of chasing fools.
Damnitanyway – Oh dear… Well I hope I have helped 🙂
Constant Dater – You are SO right! The ones who doth protest too much use ‘nice’ as something to justify extremes of misogynistic behaviour. ‘Oh..women don’t like me because I’m nice. I hate them all. That’s it, I’m only sleeping with hookers from now on…’
M – Thanks for the tip off. I shall definitely check it out.
Mez – Thank you 🙂
Andrew – Mr Too Nice To Date Twice does scream a life of not feeling secure that he’s got your back. I think women think they would carry *him* over the threshold 😉
got to admit this does (unfortunatly) sound alot like me, but I atleast help make people feel good about themselves…I hope. I just never ever feel sceure since school and feeling alone, though I do many many jokes. just have to remember and find when to not cross a line, but it’s hard.
Why does everybodey generalize this enless pointless debate! An entire planets worth of indiviuals and sitcuations cannot be pushed into neat little boxes, as though everything and everyone is without context and meaning! Certain sernarios our simply more famous because of the drama to be played with by socitey and the media. This stuff talks as though nobodey has been living happly in realationships for years. All these so called dos and don’ts game playing is such demoralizing bullshit! If all that crap wasn’t pure myth this clearly crazy old world wouldn’t still be a turning, simple as. It suggests we are all nothing but superficial steriotypes looking for impossible paper ideals that don’t exist and are ultimately unpleasable.
We are afterall all different for a reason. We can’t ballence each other out otherwise. People just want different things at different stages of life. I think theres a reason this stuff isn’t officialy teached because you can’t control everything. Nature is not a foe to be outwitted or beaten and certainly not controled. It’s an unstoppable force and it will remind you of that in kind. You’ve got to play to your strenghs and never stop hopeing for the best. It’s a numbers game for a reason. Life dosen’t deal in garentees. Being yourself really just seems to mean being the way you are around people your comfortable with and most inportantly if your genuien, honest and unapologetic for your good nature then your not coming from any place of weakness.
I know of plenty of couples in my circles where none of these men are exactly what you’d call the typical ideals and it was never a bloody issue to begin with. They’re happy and never feel bogged down by all this mythical dateing games horse manure. It just dosen’t exist in their worlds, sure things won’t be perfect but the kind of things these so called experts harp on about clearly is greatly exaggerated in their cases.
You see I dont feel anyone has the right to judge some as less than a man or whatever because they don’t fit a suposed male ideal. Theres a little thing called middle ground and I believe you can be strong and confidant in your own way, that strengh ain’t dictated to by who’s the most dominant or charismatic person in the room. It’s not about who’s tougher, smarter, funnier, richer, handsomer etc. My opinion of human nature has to be higher than that! I have to believe that a person who believes in something, anything is worth more than that. And those who stay true to that even when it’s not always the popular thing will come through by the numbers game in the end. If a ‘Nice Guy’ dosen’t sell himself as such and truelly lives to strong aspirations and not to get women or for that shiney pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but because he genuienly believes in a better tomorrow and doing the right thing because its right, if he’s that dedicated etc then he won’t be the things others are painted as and a lot of people are. Also nobodey can be anyone’s true one priority, a priority yes but shock horror life comes with other more inportant things aswell like responsiblitys that don’t revolve around one person and consequences to every action, something the fantasy ideals and movie characters etc seem to live in a world without. Just because what someone feels is important to them might be different to someone else’s dosen’t mean anyone is right or wrong. I appeal to people, if you want different things, then don’t torturer yourselves, move on and find someone who will click with what you need. The numbers game issue pays off even better when you learn to look for places that better fit who your looking for. Women won’t choose a certain type in the first place if they wanted someone who is the opposit. When something dosen’t work out its for all sorts of reasons, it takes two, often lack of comunication or needing different things from what they needed when they met. People have their reasons and sure there not always pleasant but never should you let anyone tell you it’s some sort of stupid question of ‘nice guys vs jerks’
I think the ‘experts’ admitably are quite clever in taking the grains of half truths and mixing them together with that little negative voice inside are heads, which while feels real enough, deep down we know it lies with the truth and they use that to exploite and manipulate for personal gain. Course in othercases they probably just enjoy the sound of their own voice and taking advantage of the loney and troubled makes themselves feel better and inportant. Their view is so narrow that they fail to see how one extream ain’t the answer to another. Their auidence don’t need to be molly coddled or bullyed, heathan forbid they actually level with them instead of owerwhelming them with enough negative questioning of appearances to force them into a corner of intense frustrastion.