I recently wrote about how the Fallback Girl is the woman that cried wolf because Mr Unavailable realises that whatever noises she makes, they’re empty threats because things don’t change, which is why No Contact often has to be used to demonstrate that it really is over and that she’s not taking part in the dynamic. Naturally there’s a flipside to this because part of why he thinks that her tears are crocodile tears is because his are…
If there’s one thing that many women are looking for from their Mr Unavailables and assclowns, it’s a show of emotion, something that lets you know that he is actually alive in there, that he feels, that he empathises, or at the very least he has some vulnerabilities…which are then used to justify their behaviour within the relationship and gives many of you license to nurture and attempt to fix them.
I’ve found myself on the receiving end of the tears on a number of occasions. It didn’t take me long to get wise to the fact that I was being played. It may not necessarily be in the player playa kind of way, but more in the way that they know that shedding a few tears and appearing to show emotion can get you on side and diminish not only rightful annoyance you may feel, but turn the tables around so that you actually forget why you started the discussion in the first place, or even end up apologising.
When someone sheds crocodile tears it’s really about being fake. They may not see it that way but people who ‘cry’ crocodile tears, do so because it generates their desired result. In a passive aggressive way, the focus gets shifted and the other person is no longer focused on the actual issue and is instead being manipulated by the tears.
Crocodile tears are false tears and there is little or no sincerity in them. It may start out innocently enough but the person gets savvy enough to realise that they get what they want when they shed them.
Ooh, that’s a bit harsh, some of you may think.
Well here’s the thing – There is genuine expression of emotion and crying as a result of those – it’s spontaneous, it can’t be helped, and there’s a realness in there.
But you’ll often find with the shedders of crocodile tears that they’re very out of sight, out of mind.
There you are still thinking about how upset they were and feeling sorry for them, and they’ve forgotten about it, compartmentalised it and moved on, often reverting to whatever crappy behaviour they were displaying prior to the tears.
Ever had him cry his out and beg you not to leave him claiming that he can’t bear to be without you and then when you you stay, he goes all cold on you?
Ever had a guy weeping down the phone saying he can’t believe you won’t speak to him and then when you do, he’s back to his usual self?
Ever had him break down and tell you about This One Time In Bandcamp, his ‘special tale of woe’ that be brings out where he portrays himself as a poor ill done by party that got let down by a woman once who ruined him for all time?
Does he only seem to cry when you want to deal with issues with him?
Does he only cry when he feels like he’s in serious danger of losing you but never actually does anything to help resolve the issues?
Does he cry and tell you about how hurt he is that you left him and then next thing you hear that he’s been shagging someone else behind your back? [That actually happened to me]
Does he cry and say how lonely he is and devastated that you’ve cut contact with him but when you go around there he’s shacked up with another girl or you hear he’s been trying to hit it with your friend/co-worker?
These are just some examples but the point is, they are hollow tears. They’re used to shift the agenda, to manipulate you.
It’s called being ‘reactive’ and that’s what these guys are. Just like when before I’ve said that at 12pm they can say that strawberry icecream is there favourite and at 3pm they can say that chocolate is and deny that they like strawberry, and then at 4pm say that actually, they’d like some strawberry icecream because it’s their favourite, these guys react to the feeling at that moment but don’t necessarily feel an extended emotion. It gets shut down or it didn’t really exist – the latter is especially the case when crying on women has become their tried and tested route of getting them on side.
I bet, if you put all of the women he’d ever been involved with and compared crying stories, you’d discover that there were some stark similarities between you all – This is why I say that you shouldn’t get it twisted and assume that this is all about you. They don’t wake up one day and suddenly become these guys – they were this way before you, they were this way with you, and they’ll be this way long after you’re gone.
For the habitual Mr Unavailables and assclowns, this is a dance they’ve danced many times before, just with different dance partners, sobbing crocodile tears on their shoulders as they go.
Back in part two
Your thoughts? Have you experienced the crocodile tears?
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I love men that sensitive but I did learn early in my adult life when I am being taken advantage of by tears. It is no different then when a child cries to get it’s way. I love this site, reading all these words is such a tremendous comfort and helps me realize things about myself and my behavior that encourages the “Mr. Unavailables” of the world. Life is a learning process and boy have I learned some very tough things about myself. Thank you for being here during this learning process.
Michelle I feel the same way about this site. I just happened upon it and it has already helped me tremendously 🙂
Ahhh…needed this. = )
.-= StudentMama´s last blog ..Part 3: The Downfall =-.
Yes, mine has panicked when he started to realise that I’d had enough waiting on ice for him. He’d suddenly appear with a sob story, how he’d be with me if things were different. I actually bought it all thinking he really cared!! As time passes and they blow hot and cold and nothing really changes apart from more rumours about him with different women! And constantly reading this site I finally realise just how bad the situation was.
I just focused on the good parts and ignored the bad. I’d never been in this kind of relationship before but looking back I was far more accommodating than I should have been, doing more of the giving and trusting because we were in a serious relationship and because I proved that I was trustworthy I expected that’s the way he would be.
Why didn’t I realise that you judge by their actions to see how much you can trust them. Instead I would let things go and forgive too easy. It has been a tough journey for me but I have ignored the past wake up calls until finally I meet the EUM. Bouncing back to him like a boomerang several times instead of waking up to reality.
It is still hard for me because there is part of me that wants to stay friends but I know that doesn’t work so I’m sticking to NC.
Well I understand now and I’m ready to change my past relationship pattern and choose healthy supportive relationships in the future. I just wish it hadn’t taken me all these years to spot a healthy relationship!!
My ex never once shed a tear over anything, he really is void of any real emotion. O’ he knows how to play the “sensitive guy” game but its only a game to get what he wants. I finally realized he’s terrified of his own emotions and has this huge wall built around himself because he is scared to death to deal with issues. He thinks if you don’t talk about it you don’t have to deal with it and it will go away. Actually his ex wife told me he was spineless and now I see what she meant by that.
He once said “Just tell ’em what they want to hear” and lots of “Yes Dear “. I realized that’s what he always did with me. Problem is nothing ever really got worked out, problems were still there because they weren’t really being dealt with. For him it’s easier to just go with the flow and it really is a brilliant plan on his part, he makes it look like the woman is really being listened to and she’s really being understood when in reality its ” Waa Waa Waa”.
He’s moved on to someone else and fortunately for me but unfortunately for her “He’s her problem now”.
Much of the MO of the AC I knew was of the croc tear variety. He had a solid middle class trouble fee life, and he managed to bring so much grief onto himself , by his reckless choices, since he was a young adult. At the same time he refused to take any responsibility for that grief, nor see the grief he brought to others. Worse, he took it one step further, and used the misery he brought on himself to claim a woeful story of unfair advantage, an unlucky doomed life of sorrow, drudgery and grief.
Looking back on it now, from the perspective of almost 9 months of NC, I cannot believe I fell for it as hard as I did. When I finally had enough and told him what I thought, and he had to save face by telling ME off, he said..” I need to find out why I always get women looking for a fixer upper.”
And while that statement is likely entirely accurate from his perspective, he was unable to see that the reason is because he presents himself as a little lost boy, looking for sympathy, looking for comfort , all the while crying what really are crocodile tears. It took me the longest time to realize that my uneasiness in the whole relationship came from the fact that the little boy brought out my mothering instincts. I am not looking for any more kids to mother and his little game of poor me also made me a bit suspicious all along.
From reading this site I came to realize that I am not the only older, perceptive, relatively intelligent woman who fell for this boy/man crap. And while there sadly is some truth to the tears, the guys are not aware of that sadness; there is much more that is just plain fake about these guys. For me it was so hard to fathom someone could indulge in such a level of BS self pity/ croc tears that really was not warranted.
Don’t ever fall for the croc tears/ whinin boy stuff, just don’t. Real friendship and love is not manipulative like this; it is solid and strong, like a rock. And while I cannot deny that I wished the AC was capable of that solidity with me, the fact is he was not. That realization was the point where I had to say enough is enough. He can cry those tears as long as he wants, but I cannot be there to dry those fake tears anymore. NC rocks.
@ aphrogirl you too!
I think the most unbelievable thing I heard out of the months I wasted in this AC was “I have a girlfriend, but its long distance and we only get together once in a while, I want to be monogamous to her and still be single. But can we still be friends?’
So wow..he has a long-distance, f**k-buddy girlfriend, who he wants to be faithful too but still be single and explore his options. I pretty much walked away after that.
But I came to the realization, that not only is he younger(which is really just an excuse) but, he nothing to offer, he’s not in school at the moment because he’s “working” he lives at home, his cellphone is paid for by his mom, and he never has any money to go do stuff(even when I passed a few handyman jobs his way he never took them).and he’s very passive-aggressive for a 22yr old.
He’s called my home a few time and chatted to my mom(who told him I was out) he never asks to speak to me directly, but when I saw him last wednesday I point blank refused to shake his hand or even talk to him, I’m sorry but I don’t do the fake-friend-nothing-is-wrong-between-us-thing. Sorry to vent
Aphrogirl…
You are BADASS!
I can sympathize with you 100%, as mine was (and still is) a complete man-boy….searching for those co-dependent woman that will listen to all the BS… and I couldn’t help but reach out to him for 3 yrs. As he sucked me dry
I told him to beat it last month… NC is the most difficult thing i’ve ever had to do… but slowly i’m regaining my confidence. The texts, fb requests, myspace messages etc are pouring in.
The ice cream example is soooo true! That`s why they are so believable at the time when they picture a great future because they really feel like it and believe in what they are saying at the moment, they do not intentionally tell lies as such and that`s why they sound genuine. Yet a couple of hours later they feel differently ! My AC never shed a tear as it would be “weak” and he was far too narcissist and proud to show a weakness (or emotions). However, when he got into situation where he knew he messed something up and being caught, he quickly came with a sob story that prevented him from behaving in a decent way or he created drama where there was no drama at all/or the situation was caused solely by his own decisions and not any external circumstances. For example, he promised to come to see me on New Year and confirmed – reluctantly – the evening before. However, the next morning when I was getting ready to see him and nothing was happening, I realised his both mobiles were switched off (well, he did this sooo many times before! – actually more often than the times when he really turned up or told he would not come). His phones remained switched off for the hole of his holidays (4 days – btw it was the longest time off he had as he kept making excuses he could not get holidays) and he never even bothered contacting me after being back to work and switching his phone on again. I was fuming as he blew the Xmas and New year before in a very similar way PLUS he knew I was here on my own as I am a foreigner and was stupid enough to fall for his “I can`t live without you, marry me, I have never loved anyone but you, we are soul mates” and moved to his country (but not with him). So I called him as soon as he switched his workphone on again after this faux pas with New Year and he asked me in a relaxed way “you okay”. Well of course I WAS NOT. When he actually realised he “forgot” about me somehow, he changed the cheery tone of his voice to serious and gave me a sob story of his terminally ill aunty turning for worse and a dad of his best mate dying and how he was feeling down and just needed some time for himself. Well, he provided a rubbish apology that he “should have let me know” but it was obvious he wasn`t genuinly sorry. Other times, when he “only” rescheduled his visit (for x time) from a weekend day to a workday evening (when he was driving by from his work) with a dramatic – “Rachel, we need to make a change to our plan, I`m struggling for time here”. The only reason why he was struggling for time at the weekends though was that either his mother that he lived with (despite being 43, having his own house and plenty money to live on his own) or his married sister with kids that lived round the corner wanted him to do something for them (they basically kept him like a handyman and as a duck laying gold eggs as he paid half their bills just because they liked to have a very good lifestyle rather being poor or in need) or he took a lot of homers to make even more money and feel useful and appreciated (he had a very well paid job). On one occassion, when he was winding me up with something, he explained that he knew that when he would address me with my name instead of a petty nickname he used normally, that I would think the situation was really serious and believe him…
The drama with every recalled visit was always along the same lines – oh, I`m knackered, they sent me even there and there and I couldn`t get back homer earlier than at 10/11/12pm/1am, I almost died on the way as I was falling asleep behind the wheel… The b****s changed my jobs so I`m not coming your way tonight…but they may send me over next week… I pulled a muscle in my back, I cannot move, I`m dying, I may need even more painkillers….I had a chestinfection and was not sure if I didn`t need to go to hospital for an injection….the phone broke down… etc etc. You just would not believe how much drama can be built around “I could come to see you if I really wanted to but I couldn`t be bothered to make time for you”.
Just to explain that this guy was blowing very hot air for the whole year, even behaving like he meant it (it was a long-distance as we could not move together immediately due to him losing job at the time we met and me not being able to move over abroad so easily) and proposing me constantly through SMS and setting up the wedding date even when he knew we could not be together at that time (he didn`t have b*lls to propose me in the face although I told him that i wanted to hear it), wanting a kid ASAP (as his biological clock was ticking and thought playing with his sister`s kids was fun), telling that he was updating his own house for us, how we would have a good life together, how nothing meant much to him when I wasn`t there, yet he never moved a finger for us to be together and in the end when I turned my own life upside down for him and moved over (and even got a very well paid and secure job reasonably close to him) he stayed cosy with his mummy and sis and when confronted (after almost 3 years of me living in his country alone and 4 years since we met) with moving together he froze me with “you don`t like it here anyway, how permant is your permant job and you don`t like driving, you`re a city girl you wouldn`t like living in the country etc etc”. He minimised our contact to coming over once or twice in a month or a month and a half for a half day, replying to texts sporadically and exceptionally answering my calls or making a phone call himself, critisising me permanently for not dancing around when he threw me some crumbs.
I am very really grateful for this web and the book as it virtually saved my life and my confidence – thank you !
I can’t believe I’ve read so many similarities, I left my husband of 22 years and soon was involved with Mr Assclown. He told me, he couldn’t stop thinking about me, all he wanted to do was make me happy, and our connection was detistiny. We always had a chemistry that was unmistakanable, but I was married and as soon as I let my guard down and was leaving my husband I let him in the door. It was intense for a month and soon, as soon as I was officially separated things started changing, he didn’t want to jeopardize my reputation and thought we should keep everything quiet. Next when he went hot and cold on me, he blamed it on me going through alot. Then he was crazy with work, always had an excuse. When I tried to bring it back to freinds he talked me out of it, but acted insecure about us. After I broke it off the first time we lasted two more months, very infrequent, and it definately felt like a respected booty call. After the most recent time in bed, I made him commit to calling me the next day, he did but then I didn’t hear from him for three weeks. I didn’t call him and three weeks later he called and said he was sorry, he has hurt alot of people with his isolation and is going through alot and me and his freinds have called him on it. I went to see him that night but didn’t stay over, we clicked and had fun talking as usual but I made myself leave. Since then we spoke on Friday and he said his heart was never into us, but he also said his heart isn’t capable and I was lucky to be able to have a heart. I believe that’s true, I still have a heart and can progress past surface relationships. He then brought up his ex girlfreind and how he wasn’t a good boyfreind and asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I am relieved that I found this information, definatately fits to a tee. I work with him and am trying to figure out how to resist, keep my boundaries, and let go of his assclowness.
Wow! Another super insightful post!
So, I dated a widower for 3 1/2 years…so, I think some of the tears were genuine…but I now can see that he at times used it as the “Band Camp” story, which was his wife dying, to get his own way or end an argument. It is perfect really, because you then look like the jerk if you stand up and say, “that was then and this is now and you can’t fall back on that every time to excuse your behavior.” See, even now and in print it sounds cold to me.
He came on strong…wanted to run off and get married the first month, but I just now realize how strong my intuition is, because I never really “fell” in love with him. And in the end I could hardly get him to plan a date let alone help me fix stuff, like he did in the beginning. We even ate dutch 98% of the 3 years we dated…oh, and when we went grocery shopping (we didn’t live together) I picked up the tab and then went home and cooked dinner for us, while he played the guitar. Once I stepped aside at the cash register to let him pay, and that turned into an ugly fight. I was evidently the rude one for doing that. And in the end he broke up with me when I told him he couldn’t talk to me like I was a moron anymore. And wouldn’t you know? He ended up calling weekly wanting “to be friends”. It didn’t confuse me, I just thought he was pathetic. Turned on the tears when I really tried to cut it off. Now I’m truly NC after texting and emailing replies “to respect my wishes and not contact me anymore.” If you keep saying the same thing like a robot then they will get the hint eventually.
OK, so now I want to know WHY are they like this? Maybe I shouldn’t care. I’m really not hung up on this guy, but I think it is just my brain wanting to make sense of it…and I’ve met several guys like this. WHAT explains this epidemic of Mr. Unavailable/AC men? Is there an answer? Is there a psychological label? I think I just feel like if I understood it better I would be better prepared to avoid it.
THANK YOU!!!