Back in June 2004, I started writing my blog Tired of Men after I’d returned from a date with a guy who was incredibly nice but didn’t generate even a flicker of interest from me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and other women who just didn’t get ‘turned on’ by nice guys.
A year before I’d left my ex fiance because the relationship was doomed and reduced my self-esteem to shreds, but it didn’t take long before I was The Other Woman. I tried to date my way out of it, I tried to get him to leave her, and I really tried to drag myself away. In the end it took numerous disappointments and him leaving me to find my way home on my own on the Tube after I had a terrible panic attack which left me shaking, nervous, and ill for almost 3 weeks. It had taken 18 months for it to get to that point.
Like a breath of fresh air, the next Mr Unavailable came along and after five months it became clear that not only was he emotionally unavailable, sharing a home with his ex, and blowing hot and cold treating me like a frickin yo-yo, but that I was pretty damn tired of myself.
Alone with my blog as evidence of my dalliances plus my relationship past playing out in my head, I finally realised that I was creating my problems. I was an unknowing commitment-phobe that chose men that perpetuated every negative thing I had ever felt about myself, love, and relationships. I thought that I loved relationships, but what I loved was seeking men to fill the void and make me feel loved, when all they did was widen the void and devalue me. It was one big self-sabotage. I thought I was a confident, ambitious, in control woman who had a lot of self-love. Turns out I was very wrong.
During this dark period in my life, I also had to deal with a mysterious illness, sarcoidosis, which materialised during the deeply tumultuous time that I spent with my ex fiance. The more bad relationships I had, the worse I felt, the more my body just seemed to give out on me. I started taking care of myself, visited a kinesiologist and an acupuncturist and was forced to face my past and more importantly myself.
I had never been in a healthy relationship. I clearly had issues about the fact that my parents hadn’t been together since I was two and my often fraught relationship with my mother added to my distorted perception of relationships. I don’t blame my parents; I love them and recognise that I willingly made my own choices, but unfortunately from when I was quite young, I learnt things about myself, love, and relationships which severely impacted on my ability to engage healthily.
As my health and my sense of self improved, I became highly aware of what was around me, who I was engaging with, and a vibe that we give off. I used to have strange men approach me all the time but the better I got, the less this occurred.
I did date two more Mr Unavailable’s but they both lasted less than three weeks and I stuck to my guns. I didn’t listen to others who often projected their own insecurities on me. I didn’t listen to my insecurity. I listened to my positive self and realised that I refused to accept anything ‘less than’. Period. I recognised that I felt better on my own than I did around these assclowns….
For over four years, I’ve been loved up with ‘the boyf’. If i had met him at any other time I wouldn’t appreciate him for who he is and what he had to give but for some reason, despite me still being in ‘recovery’, I embraced it and I am still happy, still enjoying it, still very loved up…and we have a baby two babies now. I don’t think I’m ‘lucky’ but I know that I am extraordinarily blessed to have found personal happiness, love, a return to great health, and a couple of beautiful girls who keep me on my toe, but it was a long road travelled and I made a choice to live the life I wanted and not cater to the drama of before.
I write about dating, relationships, self-esteem, and my experiences because I have been to hell and back and it is important to share my experiences because there are a lot of women who think they’re alone.
Find out more about Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl or buy and download now .