Five years ago in summer 2005, I broke up from a barely there 5 month relationship with a Mr Unavailable. Up until then I’d been convinced that I was having a run of bad luck with relationships, that I was the one trying my best to make things work, and that I seemed to have a neon sign on my forehead inviting broken, unavailable men to be interested, often with a girlfriend or an ex lurking around in the background. As I shared my thoughts and experiences on my blog while at the same time battling a debilitating illness, I experienced some major epiphanies where I realised that I was the only common denominator to these relationships, that I had a penchant for unavailable men, and that I was contributing to the relationships because I, unbeknowst to me was afraid of commitment and emotionally unavailable myself. When I shared my truths, it connected with thousands of women and men around the world who have lived my experiences. Through introspection and looking closely at the dynamic between me and Mr Unavailables and those of my readers, I’ve been able to put into words an experience that many women feel is unique to them and something they ’caused’.
I’ve been a Fallback Girl: Wondering what I did to scare him away, being pursued and made to feel like the center of the universe only for the rug to be pulled from under my feet, lots of relationships with vague endings so that the guys boomeranged in and out of my life, a relationship with a guy with a girlfriend and trying to get him to choose me, waiting for emails, phone calls, and texts and spending copious amounts of time analyzing them, endless Defining the Relationship conversations, trying not to appear needy, not being sure what I want, and feeling like I would never, ever get over them.
I’m here to tell you that you can and will get over them and you can and will do better than taking the crumbs from these men because trust me, crumbs is all they have to offer.
In Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl you’ll quickly learn that Mr Unavailable was this way before you met him, while you were with him, and will be this way long after you have moved on. If he’s going to change, it won’t be one minute before he wants to and it won’t be down to a woman.
It’s time to stop wondering what it is that you’re doing wrong or could do differently with your emotionally unavailable man and accept that it’s not about you!
I’ve helped thousands of women see the light about their involvement with Mr Unavailables. The whole thinking that it’s unique to you, that there is a magic formula for fixing him, and that if you just love him and prove yourself that he will become available is something that we have all gone through. When you discover that it’s like all of these men have all read the same playbook and they’re being scarily predictable and that there are other women out there just like you, it’s freeing because you can stop blaming yourself for what they’re doing and take control of your own happiness.
Mr Unavailable always has obstacles that get in the way of him being present and accountable and when he runs out of obstacles to blame, it turns to you. There’s a litany of excuses as to why they can’t give you what you want and yet they keep trying to hold on to you and pursue you when you try to move on.These elusive, emotionally unavailable men are the most popular men to date simply because women rarely recognise the dangers of being with him as he often exhibits ‘nice’ qualities.
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl reveals what’s really going on with this ambivalent, ambiguous, character, providing you with in-depth information about how he operates and why he behaves as he does.
The book not only explains him in the detail that women everywhere have been looking for, but also explains how you fall in sync with his behaviour, what drives you, and the different roles you assume while pursuing Mr Unavailable, from being a Yo-Yo Girl, to the Other Woman, to the Flogger, and the Buffer. If you’ve loved an emotionally unavailable man, you’re in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and you’ll finally get some answers and realise that you are not alone.
Here’s what you’ll learn in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl:
Understand why your attraction to emotionally unavailable men is tied up in the negative things that you believe about love, relationships, and yourself. You choose men that reflect your core beliefs – these men are like going out with your fears.
Learn about yourself, the Fallback Girl; that woman that Mr Unavailable relies on to massage his ego and cater to his needs whilst managing down her expectations and contributing little or nothing into the relationship. You end up providing him with all of the fringe benefits of having a relationship without him having to commit.
Meet the Yo-Yo Girl, the woman with no endings who keeps going back and forth to the same guy(s) hoping that this time things will be different.
There’s the Other Woman, the Fallback Girl who ends up with attached men and plays second best in a very uncomfortable understudy role.
Meet The Flogger who often manages long term relationships with Mr Unavailables, talking and thinking about the problems a lot to mask her inaction and secret fear of commitment.
The Renovator and Florence Nightingale are the Fallback Girls who try to get their guys to change and love to fix/heal/help guys they perceive to be beneath them, or wounded guys with issues.
The Buffer is like a convenient emotional airbag for Transitionals, guys who are on the rebound after becoming separated, divorced, widowed, or recently broken up. You try to love and make yourself indispensable so you can get them over their ex.
Miss Independent/Miss Self-Sufficient is the Fallback Girl that’s closest in behaviour to Mr Unavailable. Walking around with her defences up, she’s afraid of losing her independence, depending on someone, and will even blow hot and cold and be mean.
Discover the most common relationship situations presented by Mr Unavailables such as him being attached, seperated, long distance or hooked on his ex, that are the hallmark of the emotionally unavailable man and learn to recognise key signs that you’re with him.
Find out exactly what is making Mr Unavailable tick from blowing hot and cold, to using you for sex, and refusing to recognise his poor behaviour, and learn why issues such as poor emotional schooling and an over inflated ego will be keeping him the way he is. Discover exactly how he manages down your expectations and even manipulates you into doing exactly what he wants.
Find out how you tie in with emotionally unavailable men by allowing them to turn the tables around you causing you to become ‘the pursuer’ and refusing to listen because you’re like a ‘disgruntled customer’, plus many more behaviours that are in sync with all of his behaviours.
Learn what your motivations are for being in relationships with Mr Unavailable and find out how to break your pattern by choosing you and seeing actions for exactly what they are.
Most importantly, you’ll learn that it’s not about you per se, and that these issues were there long before you came on the scene, they are there now, and they’ll be there long after you’re gone.
This is about taking control of yourself and your relationship choices so that you can learn to stop deriving your value from the relationships that you have with these men and get happy.
Take the focus off him and put it back to you because he is not going to change!
How do you know if you need to read this?
Have a regular habit of being with attached or married guys? Long-term relationships that never go anywhere? Are your relationships filled with ambiguity and drama? Drawn to relationships with little or no hope of commitment? Confused by men that blow hot and cold? Been an accidental booty call or gone from ‘girlfriend’ to screw buddy? Keep talking about the man he was in the beginning? Are you hoping that your guy will change? Can’t break up, won’t break up, either because you can’t let go or he keeps coming back? Wondering why he doesn’t call, or why he only communicates with you via text or email? Tired of being with the same man, different package? Do you believe that it’s only his issues that stand between you and your happiness?
How To Buy
UK and Europe readers can purchase Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl from Amazon.co.uk as well as signed copies directly from me in the Baggage Reclaim shop.
eBook – PDF is £12 (approx US$18.75 or EURO 13.87- currency conversion for most currencies is calculated at the checkout) and includes the ePub version which works on iPhones, iPads (use in apps like iBooks and Goodreader) as well as suitable for the Nook. This package includes an exclusive Feelings Diary worksheet, a beliefs guide worth £5, a Do I Need To Cut Contact Worksheet, plus the Unsent Letter Guide and worksheets.
Please note that this is the first edition in print but the second digital edition. This is a completely reworked and updated book which is nearly half the size of the original book. If you are a previous purchaser of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, you will have received an email some time between the 22nd Sept – 3rd Oct offering you a free updated version.
What the readers say
“NML, I bought your book last week, and just couldn’t stop reading it. IT WAS GREAT!! Half the time I was sitting there saying ‘Oh my God that’s me, and that’s him!!!’ It was everything that I am going through and everything I am.
“I was shocked when I read your words because they described me, the dude, and our interactions so accurately. Your advice, humor, and shrewd observational skills helped me to see what I was doing and, perhaps most importantly, understand that I could remove myself from a situation that I had given up all hope of leaving. I return to your site from time to time to ease my mind and help me through the times when I am down. I have referred quite a few women to your site and each one has thanked me profusely–we all think you’re a genius. Personally, I think you should be awarded an honorary degree in psychology or sociology or maybe even the Nobel Prize! Thank you for all you’ve done, for hitting the nail on the head so many times, and for helping me and countless others to extricate themselves from these kinds of bullshit situations. Sincerely, A Fan From Across the Pond”
“I came across your site after a night of prowling the internet looking for advice to decode the behaviour of the guy I thought I was dating. You were the first person to put a title on my predicament ‘Mr Unavailable’. It took you, a complete stranger, and the stories of other women around the world to make me realize that I was attracting selfish men who were unwilling to offer their full selves to me. But most importantly, I realized that the common denominator was me and that I had to change my behavior and outlook before I could expect to attract Mr. Available.” Carver-27-Chicago
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is filled with in-depth advice and explanations, my own experiences, reader comments, tips, and exercises.
This is the book to read if you want to be enlightened about these men so that you can stop making excuses for your continued investment into the relationship, break your pattern, and build self-awareness to improve your self-esteem so that you can encourage healthier relationships.
Who am I?
My name is Natalie Lue and I’ve been sharing my insights about dating and relationships on Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, empowering people to offload their baggage and rediscover themselves. I help people discover the answers they’ve been looking for and to make changes so that they can discover personal happiness. Since I first started writing Baggage Reclaim, my story of how I tackled my penchant for emotionally unavailable men and my commitment issues and learned how to love myself has inspired thousands of people from around the world. Since then I’ve found love and even had a couple of daughters.
I’m very direct and no BS because my readers rely on me to give it to them straight about their involvement in dubious relationships that detract from them and I’ve been the friend that they’ve needed. When I started Baggage Reclaim, I wanted to challenge the perceptions about dating, relationships, and being a woman. A lot of what I read when I was struggling with my relationships was disempowering and all about trying to ‘snare’ men and how to please them…even if that same man wasn’t actually worthy of a relationship. So I’ve made it my job to empower women to not only want more for themselves and discover their personal happiness, but to let go of painful relationships that detract from their self-esteem.
Since early 2008, I’ve been a full-time writer, have written several ebooks, appeared in various magazines and newspapers and guest on Sky News regularly. I’m also the founder of Bambino Goodies, a site that tracks down cool stuff for kids and their discerning parents and also an interiors version, Nest Goodies. I want my experiences to make a difference.
There is no other book out there that explains the complicated modern dynamic between emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them.
This book is totally unique as it captures all the idiosyncrasies, contradiction, and confusion that fill this relationship and explains the many problems that you thought were unusual or unique to you. You are not alone.
More From the Readers
“As a gay man who was just dumped by an EUM, I found your site in a frantic online search for advice and answers. I just want to say thank you! Although you write for an audience of straight women primarily, your advice transcends gender and orientation. It has been immensely beneficial to me in the aftermath of a still very recent break-up. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Mike
“Thank you for knocking some sense into me with your books and your webpage. You’ve probably helped me more than my therapist has.” Yvonne
I have bought your e-book and have read it 3 times so far. I will continue to read it when I am feeling overwhelmed with these assclowns. Couldn’t of found your web site at a better time!!!! Thank you for being so devoted to this cause, your a lifesaver. Peace, love and happiness to you. Melanie
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