41. When we think or talk about something a lot and wish we could have said or done something different, often it’s because we had our control or right of reply removed. Mr Unavailables and assclowns, especially the narcissist sorts, are very good at removing your right of reply, but it can happen with friends, family, colleagues where they shut you down before you get to speak, or pull their move in a passive aggressive way so that you get blindsided.
42. If we want to be equal in relationships or, where it is needed, tip the balance of power, we have to assume power, grab it, take it, whatever you need to do. Many women (and some men) I have spoken with have taken passive, submissive, non-powerful roles in their relationships – you don’t get your power being this way. For a start you put them on a pedestal but by playing helpless and hanging back, you’re actually handing over your power to them.
43. We’re paranoid about words like ‘power’ and ‘control’ in relationships. It’s about not being helpless and there being balance. You’re not trying to control the other person and dominate – it’s about having both feet in, contributing, being counted, and not just laying back and just ‘letting’ the dodgy sh*t happen and then complaining when it does. Boundaries, self-love, and respect give you the power to do a hell of a lot of things in life. It’s about having confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table in your relationships.
44. In the typical, modern day, problematic relationship, one person has too much power, either because they assumed it or because you handed it over. Mr Unavailables and assclowns are the dominant party in the relationship because they do things on their terms. If you’re complaining and you have no boundaries and have to jump to their beat, it’s because they have the power and your relationship is out of control. These men don’t do relationships where you take the dominant seat.
45. If you don’t believe you are loved, that you are lovable, or deserve to be loved, there isn’t a damn thing anyone can say to you to make that different until you accept you and believe that you are loved, lovable, and deserve to be loved. I’ve spent 32 years trying to show my mother that I love and care for and it doesn’t make a damn difference and I’m tired. I’m emotionally spent. She’s my mother though, so imagine how people feel in relationships? Imagine what it feels like to be dating and having to spend your time trying to ‘prove’ yourself when you could be enjoying life?
46. When you get accused of stuff by a partner or they’re paranoid about the company you keep, it’s really about what they’re doing. They don’t ‘know guys like this’ – they are guys like this. Dogs recognise dogs…
47. There is a massive difference between being intelligent, street smart, and relationship smart. Don’t assume that because you have four degrees, a big job, lots of money, are a scholar, or consider yourself socially aware, that this gives you a leg up the relationship ladder. It doesn’t. In fact, if you correlate these things to your relationship skills, you’ll likely fall down a few rungs….
48. We spend too much time worrying about the fact that someone who didn’t respect or recognise the fact that we felt something for them whilst we were in the relationship, might not think we care now that we’re out of it. I have people tell me that the reason why they persist in trying to maintain a friendship/contact with someone is because they don’t want the other person to think that they don’t care, especially if there is a possibility that they’re going to change their mind…or have a lobotomy… ‘What if he thinks I don’t care?’ What about if in trying to show you care, you instead convey that you’re a doormat with no boundaries?
49. Other people cannot be your emotional and self-esteem backbone – YOU must grow a backbone or dust off the one you’ve been hiding in the closet! We can draw strength from other people but we need our own strength otherwise when these people aren’t around or let us down, we have nothing. We must not be lazy and wait for the other person to be stronger – ‘If he wants to end it, he can walk away’. What??? People don’t respect the weak. They don’t think ‘Wow, they love me so much’, they think, ‘Man up because I’m not taking responsibility’.
50. Many of us are or have been caught up in relationship insanity – doing the same things repeatedly and expecting a different result. If you want a different result, you need to do things differently. You can wait for everything else to change around you, but it will always come back to you.