Following on from parts one and two and three.
41. When we think or talk about something a lot and wish we could have said or done something different, often it’s because we had our control or right of reply removed. Mr Unavailables and assclowns, especially the narcissist sorts, are very good at removing your right of reply, but it can happen with friends, family, colleagues where they shut you down before you get to speak, or pull their move in a passive aggressive way so that you get blindsided.
42. If we want to be equal in relationships or, where it is needed, tip the balance of power, we have to assume power, grab it, take it, whatever you need to do. Many women (and some men) I have spoken with have taken passive, submissive, non-powerful roles in their relationships – you don’t get your power being this way. For a start you put them on a pedestal but by playing helpless and hanging back, you’re actually handing over your power to them.
43. We’re paranoid about words like ‘power’ and ‘control’ in relationships. It’s about not being helpless and there being balance. You’re not trying to control the other person and dominate – it’s about having both feet in, contributing, being counted, and not just laying back and just ‘letting’ the dodgy sh*t happen and then complaining when it does. Boundaries, self-love, and respect give you the power to do a hell of a lot of things in life. It’s about having confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table in your relationships.
44. In the typical, modern day, problematic relationship, one person has too much power, either because they assumed it or because you handed it over. Mr Unavailables and assclowns are the dominant party in the relationship because they do things on their terms. If you’re complaining and you have no boundaries and have to jump to their beat, it’s because they have the power and your relationship is out of control. These men don’t do relationships where you take the dominant seat.
45. If you don’t believe you are loved, that you are lovable, or deserve to be loved, there isn’t a damn thing anyone can say to you to make that different until you accept you and believe that you are loved, lovable, and deserve to be loved. I’ve spent 32 years trying to show my mother that I love and care for and it doesn’t make a damn difference and I’m tired. I’m emotionally spent. She’s my mother though, so imagine how people feel in relationships? Imagine what it feels like to be dating and having to spend your time trying to ‘prove’ yourself when you could be enjoying life?
46. When you get accused of stuff by a partner or they’re paranoid about the company you keep, it’s really about what they’re doing. They don’t ‘know guys like this’ – they are guys like this. Dogs recognise dogs…
47. There is a massive difference between being intelligent, street smart, and relationship smart. Don’t assume that because you have four degrees, a big job, lots of money, are a scholar, or consider yourself socially aware, that this gives you a leg up the relationship ladder. It doesn’t. In fact, if you correlate these things to your relationship skills, you’ll likely fall down a few rungs….
48. We spend too much time worrying about the fact that someone who didn’t respect or recognise the fact that we felt something for them whilst we were in the relationship, might not think we care now that we’re out of it. I have people tell me that the reason why they persist in trying to maintain a friendship/contact with someone is because they don’t want the other person to think that they don’t care, especially if there is a possibility that they’re going to change their mind…or have a lobotomy… ‘What if he thinks I don’t care?’ What about if in trying to show you care, you instead convey that you’re a doormat with no boundaries?
49. Other people cannot be your emotional and self-esteem backbone – YOU must grow a backbone or dust off the one you’ve been hiding in the closet! We can draw strength from other people but we need our own strength otherwise when these people aren’t around or let us down, we have nothing. We must not be lazy and wait for the other person to be stronger – ‘If he wants to end it, he can walk away’. What??? People don’t respect the weak. They don’t think ‘Wow, they love me so much’, they think, ‘Man up because I’m not taking responsibility’.
50. Many of us are or have been caught up in relationship insanity – doing the same things repeatedly and expecting a different result. If you want a different result, you need to do things differently. You can wait for everything else to change around you, but it will always come back to you.
Your thoughts?
Check out parts one and two and three.
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You Rock NML! Spot on – That’s what the english say…right?
simply excellent – the NML 50 series. i’ve been following you for a while now NML, via your first ebook over a year ago and your blog since (looking forward to your next book as well). if i tried to express how much you’ve helped me it would be pages upon pages of boring blabber, so i’ll refrain. will however say thank you from the heart, which i’m certain all your readers will heartfeltly second at any point.
we all have our twins – probably many in every corner of the world – still from what i’ve gathered in your posts is that i have a similar parental dynamic/background (and other things as a result of it) to yours. perhaps it’s also unfolding/changing at parallel times, who really knows. regardless i’m very sorry to hear about you and your mom. i’m a year older than you and recently finally got tired too, had to put a stop to it before it consumed me. not that it’s a solace of course, but maybe a bit of support to know you’re not alone. and while moving through the motions of it i hope you remember to pat yourself on the back often to acknowledge you truly rock for having the ability to see what is and also what was even when just a kid (or you wouldn’t see it today), which truly is quite evolved. by seeing it early and doing something about it now you broke a negative karmic pattern that otherwise likely would have been perpetuated…and then as the amazing icing on the cake you saw how you could help many, many women through it and enable them to do something about it, hopefully breaking many more negative patterns for many people who will in turn “pay it forward” to many more…. so WOW – super well done girl! please always keep it in mind. 🙂
I also had to set a boundary of space between me and my Mother. I feel much better and my life improved a great deal when I did. But my Mother is someone who married my father, put him in jail when he beat her, divorced him…THEN MARRIED HIM AGAIN. (He beat her again. Of course.) Stayed married to him while he lived with another woman for years…until he died.
I have dedicated my life to my well-being and my Mother is not a part of that wellness.
You broke the four minute mile!
There was a time that it was believed to be impossible to run a mile in four minutes. Then one day someone ran a mile in four minutes, now so many people run that fast that it is really no big deal.
The stuff you write is so simple, so basic and obvious that many of us could never see it let alone believe it.
\
Now most of us smack our heads and say “I could have had a V8”. “I could run a four minute mile” “What was I thinking?” or whatever.
I hope that you keep writing so I can solidify my new found common sense and possibly reach those ladies that still speak as we rather than me while they rant on about “him” or “his new her”.
Bless you NML
All I can say is THANK YOU NML, for your honesty! I have been like tires stuck in the mud for a LONG time, just spinning my wheels. Then I found your site, read your book and returned to church. The combination has set me FREE!!
To all the women out there, have mercy on yourself… you didn’t know but now you do! Take the information and run with it, don’t make excuses for him or for you just take a deep breathe and let go. Because if your honest with yourself, that’s about the only thing you haven’t tried!
Peace
So true about No. 45. I think this was my problem. Next time my attitude will be different. I think I know the source of this, and unlike some posters, my parents are not at fault. I was fortunate to have wonderful parents, but it shows how powerful those “voices inside your head” can be.
I really enjoyed your website! Thank you for helping so many women!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Thanks so much for this blog!!! I like to think that I have come a long way in rebuilding my self esteem after years of abusive relationships. I have taken many avenues to become healthy and this site has really helped to keep me grounded in what’s most important-ME. I just want to say thank you and God Bless You for helping women to own their power and stay away from men that are just rotten to the core. My unhealthy relationships have gone from 6 years down to about 6 weeks before I see character traits that are deal breakers. I am so grateful to finally be loving and honoring myself a little more every time a relationship ends. It has truly been a process that I am willing to endure to get to the other side. I would rather be alone than to be in an un-helathy relationship with someone who is incapable of treating my feelings as if they were his own. Again, I just want to say Thank you!!!
I’ve read in various places that if a woman is continually drawn to men who are not good for her, it’s a reflection of her relationship with her father. I’m not convinced though. I feel it’s her relationship with her mother that created the imbalance, and NML’s post seems to back that up. Growing up without a nurturing maternal figure sets us up for failure with men. I came across a book that address this: ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers’. Lots of insights… Am on day 8 of NC, feeling down and finding it hard.
Keep the faith, Zuleka. NC is hard, but everyday gets a littel better and you’ll get a little bit stronger.
Thanks Kissie, he’s stopped texting after a few days of ignored texts but I’m missing him.
I have had a massive dose of EUM comeback recently and have lived nearly every chapter of this site all in the past 5 months. He came on hot, I said no no no, then one of my best friends became ill and passed away, I needed a place to fall and he was there waiting, he was all the things I needed (at the beginning) but I never really trusted it. Then true to form the coldness arrived, then the meaness and then of course the new girlfriend. Thing is he is doing self realization and some therapy so decided to ‘clear his conscience’. In tears.. he told me how he had ‘used me’ as an ego stroke after his last breakup, he admitted being mean to me, through his tears he went on and on, till finally he begged me to be his friend. NML, thanks to your site and really really reading and re-reading all the posts, I was able to get up off my chair and say ‘F you’ don’t ever speak to me again, pick up my things and slam the door. I am sad, but not glad he is gone. I told him from the beginning I wasn’t looking for drama. Thing is, I did everything by the book, I did not chase him, I only phoned after he phoned. I gave him absolutely no reason to turn things around on me and blame me for anything or say it was my fault for being too needy or clingy or any of the usual supect behaviour of us ‘fall back girls’. I am proud of myself to have gone through this, recognized every single moment of the game and not played the usual moves. I acted with dignity, truth and honor and was ready to fall in love if he showed the right treatment of me. But of course he didn’t. I kept my heart in tact. This new relationship of his he say’s is based on honesty… Hmmm whatever!!! One thing I can come away with is… I have grown backbone!! Thanks 🙂 xx
I truly hope this is my final EUM, I’m so darned tired too, I deserve real love, I deserve to be cherished, respected by a real person. I believe that.
de-lighted to be free – GOOD FOR YOU. i, too, was almost sucked back into something – new person. but, thanks to NML & all these fantastic articles – i was able to see it for what it was as oppossed to feeling there was something wrong with me(like the last miserable year i spent with a narc/EUM). so….even though it is painful it is not earth shattering devastation as before….priceless!!
I broke the no contact rule after almost 7 months. I am mad at myself for knowing that he hurt me the first time around yet, I still put myself in the position of getting hurt again by hooking up with him a month ago. Now I found out today that he is moving away to be closer to his son (his ex is pretty much using their child as bait). I thought I was over this guy, but I’ve realized that I’m not-The sickest part of all of this is that he was using me as a friend with benefits and I still was lured back. The pain that I feel hits deep in places that I never knew possible. I am so tired of crying and feeling sad. I want to be my old self again and know what it’s like to feel happy…to be happy in a relationship. I’ve still got a long way to learn about loving myself…
thankyou to you all for your insights and comments. I have just come out of a 15 year relationship and was dumped via phone by the AC. He bailed and is now living with someone half his age (he’s 38, she’s 20), who’s children are in foster care. Everything said in this site is right on the money, however with two children desperate to see their father, doing the NC is very difficult. There is also the property settlement, ongoing contact arrangements and so on. I’m not initiating contact and once all the legal stuff is sorted, just want NC, but at the moment it is very difficult. His new girl, has a life full of drama, so i think his ego is getting very big stroke as he is in full on rescue mode.
I’m finding it very difficult at the moment as I am being dripfed information either by him or via our children when they see him. I actually would prefer no information at all, but can see that I will have to suffer through this. It’s only been a month since he left so early days, but you are all inspirational to me as I try to navigate my way through this quagmire. You all give me hope and I am trying hard to take on board the logical discussions, but emotionally it is very difficult to let my head rule my heart. Sometimes I feel that this isn’t actually happening to me, and then I come down with a crash.
I so want to move on but I know that time is the healer and the priceless advice and experiences from you all are helping tremendously.
“Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns are the dominant party in the relationship because they do things on their terms. If you’re complaining and you have no boundaries and have to jump to their beat, it’s because they have the power and your relationship is out of control. These men don’t do relationships where you take the dominant seat.”
This is so true. The EUM I’ve been dating for 3 months hasn’t called once, except to give me directions on my way to meeting him, only e-mail or text. I see him about once a week. He went to visit his sister for a week and said he would call, which he didn’t. After not hearing from him for 8 days I got an email from him pretending everything was OK–“had a great time in Atlanta….how was your week. Talk later.”
I was angry and responded with “Let’s talk on the phone. Email is kinda frustrating…” This was 2 days ago. Yesterday I called him and left a friendly vmail message. No response, so decided to text him today. He responded that it was a busy week, thanks for vmail, phone was dead for 3 days, that is why he sent the email that “annoyed” me. I responded that I had had a bad day and just felt like talking to someone and apologized if I had offended him. He apologized that he was phoneless, he had no means of talking, and he’s had quite the bad week as well. Glad it’s almost over. That’s it. “Conversation” over.
I wasn’t sure before now if he was trying to control the “relationship,” but I have to say it seems pretty obvious now that I read this. I guess I’m still in the midst of waking up–on one level, I’m still rationalizing his behavior and chastising myself. I don’t want to let go of the illusion.
The bottom line is that I don’t trust myself. Thanks to NML and everyone for your courage in facing the truth. It’s not easy, and I hope that I will be able to make that leap soon.
Thanks elizabeth, not earth shattering this time around exactly :0 the worst thing about this though is that he admitted (in his coming clean talk!) that he because he had given me some advise about my work, he had decided that I should pay him back with sex!!!!
This is what has been the most devastating that someone I loved could have had a thought like this and carried it out and I was blind to it. This is the most hurtful haunting thing about this whole affair, these men are very dangerous. with all the red flags and I feeling proud of myself I still allowed a man I thought cared about me into my home and into my bed and this is what was on his mind. god help me how the hell do I get past this and what the hell do I have to do to not let it happen again. This is scary, NML, can you tell me, do you think I need therapy to try to figure this out, I can’t read minds, I feel so stuck on this one.
sadly free this time around.
How can you tell if the man in question is an EUM? I am soon to be divorced (the final court date is next month) from an EUM and thought I knew what I was looking for and the warning signs. I met a man several months ago, started out very slow and he is an absolute gentleman, opening doors, polite and considerate…you know, perfect! Goes on real dates (dinner, dancing, movies), shows me off, even bought me a gift card for my favorite salon when I decided to get my hair cut. We took a road trip to visit his daughter in college out of state to get her a new car and then saw his teenage son. He met my children and showered them with gifts and his time.
Along the way, we started having the most awesome sex ever. We decided to get an apartment together but found out last Thursday there was a legal judgement against me and my almost ex on a house (we let go back to the mortgage holder( for almost $3,500. With that on my record, I was unable to get approved with the apartment complex and our moving in together fell through.
This is the sticking point. He has a government job that requires certain moral standards, etc.
After finding out about this financial judgement against me, he immediately told me that he won’t see me anymore until my divorce is finalized and I get that financial judgement resolved. I had a lot of things over at his apartment and he practically threw me out the door!
We chatted yesterday and he said he has to concentrate on his work right now because there are things going on that require all his attention (and I believe this due to what he does and circumstances he explained). He said he will only chat with me on email or the phone until December and then we can see where we are.
So am I stupid to think that in December we’ll pick up where we left off? He has always been very honest with me, never given me a bootie call and treats me like a queen. We really “clicked” with our sense of humor. We’re both in our late 40’s and were surprised when we hit it off so well so fast. We even started making long term plans and he mentioned wanting to marry me after a few years.
I just don’t know what to do and I’m so sad right now! I’m not a door mat and he really did earn my trust (not an easy thing to do). HELP!
If anyone has any advice I’d appreciate it. Broke up with the EUM, doing NC, now he’s texted to say he wants to talk. He lives with his ex and their kids. Should I meet up to talk? Thanks.
Zuleka I’ve approved your comment but you need to use the forum for personal advice especially as it’s off topic. http://Www.ning.baggagereclaim.com. If you’re nc and he lives with his ex and his kids, you probably should be asking why you’re meeting him…
Number 45 really hit home for me. It’s so hard to love yourself sometimes. For me anyway. Thank you for all of these. I have copied and pasted them to keep them and read them often.
Confused… I guess the quesion is this…is he asking you what you want??? can’t tell what this is cause pretty confused myself these days, but, it seems it is all on his terms. How does that make YOU feel.
peace De
This was a really good series, NML. Whenever I need a reality-check, I come to your website. So sad how long it is taking me to get through all this A-Clown business. Time, tears, money spent and gone. Thanks for helping me keep my chin up.
After 4 yrs of back and forth with the same AC, I suppose I’ve finally had enough. A few days ago, I realized that I really didn’t even love this ass anymore. After yet another argument after me failing to give in to one of his ridiculous, unreasonable demands, I pulled out my copy of NML’s book, “Mr. Unavailible and the Fallback Girl”, which I had purchased about a year prior. I started to re-read all the passages I had highlighted, and realized that not one single thing had changed. Nothing except me, that is. I’m back in school full-time, doing well, and have my own child to nuture (not his, thank god!). Maybe entering my 30’s this year has given me more perspective. I also think settling some of my “daddy issues” and rebuilding a relationship with my father is helping. I’m also tired of being degraded and used financially. The test, however, will come within the next few days. It’s easy to be NC because he’s out of town. I don’t want this anymore.