I didn’t get to know so much about unavailable men by never being with one (or several), so it only seems right that I should tell you a little bedtime story about one of my own experiences.
I first met BeeGee (loved to dance like a 70s freak no matter what the music. Ugh!) when I was almost 21 years old and I was completely uninterested in him. He seemed a bit arrogant and too self-assured, never mind the tan that screamed sunbed, the slightly too tight trousers and his too tight belt. He pursued me for months and I dated his friend to show my gratitude, and I guess I was a Ms Unavailable. When I broke up with his friend he was conveniently around to take me out for dinner and ply me with booze. A drunken evening which involved me laughing at his semi naked body as he danced out of his clothes followed and I woke up the following morning going “What the f*ck!”. We broke up over two years later.
To cut a long story short, I remained Ms Unavailable for a while but eventually became worn down and agreed to go out with him as he just wouldn’t give up. We were living together within months and after about three months he became Mr Unavailable and suddenly things switched and I was chasing him! The same guy who used to say that he couldn’t believe his luck going out with a girl like me, that used to flaunt me around like a trophy piece was an arrogant mummy’s boy that suddenly needed lots of time on his own, was aloof, difficult and a complete pain in the arse. I shed so many tears in my naive state and because he was the first guy I had lived with, I thought that we were supposed to be and that I had to work at it. He sold his house and we moved back to each of our parents and things continued downhill. I finished it with him after just over a year and we were apart for a few months. My friends were relieved because they thought he was a complete pervy arsehole, who by the way, wasn’t too unavailable to keep suggesting threesomes!
We got back together after a few months but I was completely different. I didn’t care if he called each day and was slow to respond to his texts. Whereas before I would ‘hop to it’ and always go where he wanted and stay at his place, make efforts with his family and friends, I focused on work and having a good time with my friends. There was no more understanding and accommodating me. He was still a Mr Unavailable, I just didn’t pander to it.
Two years into the relationship I headed off to the US for a few months and partied it up. Things were ‘undefined’ so I defined them myself and I was a bad girl and had a few snogs and started to date another dipstick. Things came to a head when BeeGee phoned one Thursday and turned up on the Friday claiming he’d stay for three weeks. It took 4 days for it to come to a head and when I got back to our room he was packing his stuff saying that he didn’t like the ‘new’ me and that I had changed too much. “What, I’m not someone that puts up with you being an asshole?” It all came out that day and I turfed him out of my life and sent him back to Ireland.
When I returned home months later, Mr Unavailable pestered me for five weeks begging my forgiveness and asking me to marry him. He drove me insane and I ended up on sleeping tablets as he emotionally blackmailed me. I called time on it by telling him that I was moving to London and that I didn’t care what he said; he was still an unavailable, soulless person. I found a new strength and rose up and I’ve had nothing to do with him since.
I still have a lot to learn and I’ve had a few experiences since then as old habits have died very hard, but I’m getting there. I think back to that time and it’s a horrible dark period I’d rather forget, except for the partying of course! However, don’t forget that our past shapes our present and future and it’s something to learn from, but it doesn’t have to define us.
My ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men, including separated guys that flip flap in indecision, and the women that love them, you can also get Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl.