You’re on a date. You’re both nervous and you make polite chit chat. Maybe you order a drink and loosen up a little and you’re both tentatively finding out about each other. You start talking about dating/relationships/how you’ve come to be on this date and somehow the conversation slips into the shock infested waters of Ex Territory. Now I don’t care how you got to the conversation, exes do not belong on dates in any way, shape, or form, and certainly not on the first few. If you talk about your ex you might as well have brought them along with you and plomped them in between the two of you.
The most common misconception about asking about exes or blabbing about them is that people believe it’s an opportunity for either party to find out how the other ticks within relationships. People think that you can find out how ready a person is for a relationship, whether they are looking for something serious or searching for a shag, whether they are crazy, and how they think this person will behave if they were in a relationship with them. Now I’m not saying it’s impossible to glean some information from conversations like these but there are two factors that skew any information that you get:
1) There are three versions of the relationship – How you see it, how your ex sees it, and the reality. Depending on how screwed up either one of you are, either version could be wide of the reality mark.
2) You are not their ex, they are not your ex. Their relationship is not your relationship. Your old relationship is not their relationship. Relationships are the sum of both parts. All this says is that it is better to judge a person on the merit of their interaction with you. Don’t discard the information particularly if it is red flag alert stuff, but don’t live and die by it either.
Now aside from these factors, you have very core reasons why you need to shut up about your ex, stop asking about theirs, and focus on getting to know your date.
1) An inability to keep your ex out of the date shows that you are not at the healthy stage of OVER. If you’re not at that stage, you shouldn’t be dating.
2) The biggest problem with talking about your ex is that in the wrong hands (that’s most hands by the way), dates will rightly or wrongly draw conclusions about 1) you, 2) how you are in relationships, 3) your personality, 4) how screwed up you are. Let your date draw conclusions about you based on getting to know YOU, not your old relationships. If you are not careful your date may decide that you’re not over your ex/you’re easy/a pushover/messed up/not ready for a relationship/crazy/needy/over emotional.
3) Many people consciously and subconsciously adjust their true character and behaviour based on what you reveal about your ex. This is particularly dangerous because people already put on a bit of front when they are in the early stages of dating so if they adjust again, you’re pretty far from their true personality. These people will then make a point of being the opposite of your ex but if you have other problems in your relationship, they’ll remind you that they’re not like your ex.
4) Who are you both getting to know? Each other or your exes? You may believe you’re finding out more about him but at the end of the day, people can tell you whatever the hell they like. He could sit there and tell you it all ended amicably and bla, bla, bla, and then you find out he’s a nutter with a restraining order.
5) There is nothing to gain. Further into a relationship that is developing, it is far easier to have the ex conversation because you should both be secure enough with a decent foundation to have the discussion. If you’re only going to see them once or twice, why bother to talk about someone you’ve supposed to have left behind.
But what if they persist?
You don’t need to be rude and don’t come across as abrupt or closed as your date may assume you have unresolved anger but keep your answer brief and move the conversation on. Deflection is good.
“How long is it since you’ve been in a relationship?”
“I’ve been single for a few months. Gosh time flies – did I mention that over the last few months I’ve taken up [insert a hobby/activity/or something]
If in doubt steer towards funny date stories
“You been out of a relationship for long?”
“Yeah a few months. You?”
“It’s been about a year for me”
“Oh the joys of dating! What’s the funniest date you’ve been on?”
Or failing that, be honest…
“I’ve been out of my relationship a few months but let’s not bore each other with talking about our exes! I want to get to know you”
If they persist, you know they have hard of hearing issues and you may need to be blunt.
I would take it as a serious red flag if someone won’t stop talking about their ex or won’t drop the conversation topic!
But remember – No Ex on the first date. Or sex for that matter 😉
NML – That got to feeling really creepy, the guy not dropping questions about your ex. Sounded jealous / inappropriate if not downright dangerous. I couldn’t decide if the right thing would be to quietly duck out of the room and call a cab, or call the cops.
Another reason to avoid ex-talk, is that breaking up is tough, however it happens. Especially soon (a couple years, maybe?) afterward, the emotions tied to the ex are going to be exaggerated. The righteous anger, or hurt, or bewilderment, or loss won’t be attractive, and will likely sound scary. And it will be unfortunate – that isn’t who you were, or who you are.
The list just seems to get longer – don’t discuss politics, religion – or exes!
lisaq
on 20/03/2008 at 2:43 pm
Great suggestions for changing the subject!
If he persists, you should run like hell! The ex b/f, for example, still goes on and on about his after 1 1/2 years. If I’d have paid attention to that in the beginning, I could have saved myself so much pain and suffering.
cheekie
on 20/03/2008 at 3:11 pm
Excellent post! It’s funny because I have found a couple of common denominators in my experiences with guys who won’t stop with the ex talk (you’re lucky if it’s just one, some go on about every woman they’ve dated in the past 20 yrs-ugh)
The most common date to have previous relationship talks? Someone you met online.
I really don’t understand it, but perhaps it is some kind of ‘bonding’ activity to discuss your previous online dates/relationships etc.
It drives me nuts.
There are always two sides to every story too, so it is really REALLY important to take every tidbit with a grain of salt. Ya, she might have been a right bitch, but, what would she say about him?
Another weird thing, I find guys do this a lot more frequently than women do.
Any idea on why that may be? Or do I just date assclowns exclusively?
General relationship talk is fine, but really, details are so not necessary nor are they making you any more attractive or interesting.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum
on 30/12/2008 at 3:12 am
Mmm. Too late!
Last night I had my first date since the lat October breakup with the EUM. NC for two months.
The new dude is divorced and since I had known him and his ex from long ago, and there are children between them, it was a difficult issue to avoid. I asked him how long ago the divorce was, and it was March and he said so he is pretty much, almost over it. I told him that I wasn’t over my last, really, truth be known, in the spirit of full disclosure. He asked how long it had been and if I wanted to talk about it. I declined, but did tell him that it was just two months ago and he said oh, that is really pretty fresh. I told him about the first date rule about not talking about exes, and we both laughed and changed the subject!
I was very nervous, but managed to have a good time. There was a goodbye kiss. I’m not sure if I’m attracted to or not, or if it’s just that thing about how we are not attracted to emotionally available men who treat us well.
I just am not ready yet, and new dude knows that and says we can be just pals or he can wait for me to be over it. He is obviously very interested in me and did just everything very nice, respectful. He’s smart and funny, but he just isn’t …the exEUM, who I loved for six years and who I was willing to love the rest of our lives. You just can’t turn off that sort of emotional commitment in just two months.
Just being romantically close to a new man makes me feel all weird and skittish. I guess I should call it off with new dude? Because it is nice to get some attention from a man who knows how to treat a woman, but am I just doing the EU thing of using him to get some ego strokes instead of working out my grief by myself, for oh, a year at least according to my therapist.
What say, ladies?
Astelle
on 30/12/2008 at 3:45 am
Regina, yeah, drop him and find somebody else? If you want to and I don’t think you want to, what is fine, you can do what ever you feel like doing, right?
So, what is your real question?? He is ready to “wait” for you until you are over – what? Are you out of your mind?? So, you are expecting new dude to go along with that, because that what you did with mr. A**hole? I say, you are full of sh*t, not giving the new dude all, because you don’t want to, that is fine, but then cut new dude lose!!! Don’t string him along until you get your sh*t together and I am sure we don’t need to talk about “fair” or maybe “selfish”?
Doesn’t this treatment sound familiar to you? I bet it does!
Astelle
on 30/12/2008 at 3:50 am
Regina,I hate to add that, but you turned into a user or have always been one.
What goes around, comes around? Yeah, that is so you right now and you are looking for acceptance for your behaviour, please tell me that there is no girlfriend of yours that said: yeah, Regina, go for it!
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NML – That got to feeling really creepy, the guy not dropping questions about your ex. Sounded jealous / inappropriate if not downright dangerous. I couldn’t decide if the right thing would be to quietly duck out of the room and call a cab, or call the cops.
Another reason to avoid ex-talk, is that breaking up is tough, however it happens. Especially soon (a couple years, maybe?) afterward, the emotions tied to the ex are going to be exaggerated. The righteous anger, or hurt, or bewilderment, or loss won’t be attractive, and will likely sound scary. And it will be unfortunate – that isn’t who you were, or who you are.
The list just seems to get longer – don’t discuss politics, religion – or exes!
Great suggestions for changing the subject!
If he persists, you should run like hell! The ex b/f, for example, still goes on and on about his after 1 1/2 years. If I’d have paid attention to that in the beginning, I could have saved myself so much pain and suffering.
Excellent post! It’s funny because I have found a couple of common denominators in my experiences with guys who won’t stop with the ex talk (you’re lucky if it’s just one, some go on about every woman they’ve dated in the past 20 yrs-ugh)
The most common date to have previous relationship talks? Someone you met online.
I really don’t understand it, but perhaps it is some kind of ‘bonding’ activity to discuss your previous online dates/relationships etc.
It drives me nuts.
There are always two sides to every story too, so it is really REALLY important to take every tidbit with a grain of salt. Ya, she might have been a right bitch, but, what would she say about him?
Another weird thing, I find guys do this a lot more frequently than women do.
Any idea on why that may be? Or do I just date assclowns exclusively?
General relationship talk is fine, but really, details are so not necessary nor are they making you any more attractive or interesting.
Mmm. Too late!
Last night I had my first date since the lat October breakup with the EUM. NC for two months.
The new dude is divorced and since I had known him and his ex from long ago, and there are children between them, it was a difficult issue to avoid. I asked him how long ago the divorce was, and it was March and he said so he is pretty much, almost over it. I told him that I wasn’t over my last, really, truth be known, in the spirit of full disclosure. He asked how long it had been and if I wanted to talk about it. I declined, but did tell him that it was just two months ago and he said oh, that is really pretty fresh. I told him about the first date rule about not talking about exes, and we both laughed and changed the subject!
I was very nervous, but managed to have a good time. There was a goodbye kiss. I’m not sure if I’m attracted to or not, or if it’s just that thing about how we are not attracted to emotionally available men who treat us well.
I just am not ready yet, and new dude knows that and says we can be just pals or he can wait for me to be over it. He is obviously very interested in me and did just everything very nice, respectful. He’s smart and funny, but he just isn’t …the exEUM, who I loved for six years and who I was willing to love the rest of our lives. You just can’t turn off that sort of emotional commitment in just two months.
Just being romantically close to a new man makes me feel all weird and skittish. I guess I should call it off with new dude? Because it is nice to get some attention from a man who knows how to treat a woman, but am I just doing the EU thing of using him to get some ego strokes instead of working out my grief by myself, for oh, a year at least according to my therapist.
What say, ladies?
Regina, yeah, drop him and find somebody else? If you want to and I don’t think you want to, what is fine, you can do what ever you feel like doing, right?
So, what is your real question?? He is ready to “wait” for you until you are over – what? Are you out of your mind?? So, you are expecting new dude to go along with that, because that what you did with mr. A**hole? I say, you are full of sh*t, not giving the new dude all, because you don’t want to, that is fine, but then cut new dude lose!!! Don’t string him along until you get your sh*t together and I am sure we don’t need to talk about “fair” or maybe “selfish”?
Doesn’t this treatment sound familiar to you? I bet it does!
Regina,I hate to add that, but you turned into a user or have always been one.
What goes around, comes around? Yeah, that is so you right now and you are looking for acceptance for your behaviour, please tell me that there is no girlfriend of yours that said: yeah, Regina, go for it!