I’m back after spending an amazing few days out in San Francisco (my first trip to the West Coast) after being flown out by a reader to spend a couple of days coaching her through some issues. While I was there, another reader hosted a meetup where I got to meet readers who came from as far as three-and-a-half hours away. I ate, I laughed until my sides hurt, and I even got a bit misty-eyed in parts. This is exactly the type of fun collaboration that I want to get up to in Baggage Reclaim’s tenth year and I look forward to doing more.
Right, here’s what I cover in episode 13:
Don’t be an emotional airbag: What does being one involve, why are we motivated to do it and why it’s a very bad idea. Read more on ‘Buffers’ plus they’re the subject of an entire chapter in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?: I explain some of the key factors that influence how long it’s going to take including previous losses and whether you’ve grieved them and whether you overcompensated for the other party during the relationship.
Taking recurring themes from your challenges and making them into your personal mantra for success: Looking back over the past year or so, I noticed the same theme regardless of who or what I was dealing with and now it’s become one of my mantras for the next year and beyond so that I can keep shifting gears.
Listener Question – What do you do when there’s one part of your value system that you cannot compromise on? This week’s listener is in a relationship where they differ on a core value in a big way.
What Nat Learned This Week: I spent a few days in San Francisco and came back with an increased sense of gratitude for the BR community.
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Natalie – great podcast! I related to both topics on airbags and getting over a breakup. I started losing myself in my latest relationship with a Mr. Unavailable but kept reading your blog throughout and a piece of me remained grounded despite my repeat behavior of being with someone who was incapable of giving me what I wanted/needed – just for the sake of being a “soft place to fall” for them. As a result, when he broke up with me in an attempt to regain control over the time I was trying to give myself outside of the relationship (“You’re not there for me when I need you, I hardly see you [not true] so I think we should end it…”) I agreed with him and never returned. Something he still can’t get over…even today! Nevertheless, I refuse to continue being his “savior” or “airbag”. The break up wasn’t easy but thanks to things like reading your blog, listening to your podcasts and remaining empowered even if to the smallest degree, I am standing tall on my own. Looking forward to further healing and strengthening myself so that when Mr. Available materializes I’ll be a better “me” to add to a healthy relationship. Thank you for your great insight!
It’s been 4 months since my break up and I think it hurts worse now than it did the first 3. We were together 4 years and 2 months after we broke up, he was already seeing someone else. I broke up with him very harshly out of my own fear and insecurities. I was ‘working’ on myself for those first three months then I found out he was seeing someone else and that completely set me back. I find myself ruminating and crying a lot now. I feel like I am constantly trying to figure out the lessons and figure stuff out in hopes of feeling better but nothing helps. I just want the hurt and pain to stop.
im going through a similar experience and a couple of things that have really helped is exercise (ive joined a boxing gym and as a complete amateur ive been welcomed with open arms) the after effect from there is great. Secondly is to put on vid of my fav comedian and to just laugh my ass off.
these are short term fixes but they do give me a break from my thoughts.
thanks so much for this. We deserve much better than being used by someone who is grieving a breakup. I am not their shrink, I am not their mother, I am their new love. A new love is never responsible for someone’s baggage! I used to console men all the time, during my pre-recovery days and I always wondered why I felt worse, instead of better, about myself later on. It is because I know deep down I deserve better.
I have had my heart torn out of my chest and ripped to pieces.
I’m 26 and had a heart attack of unknown cause 5 months ago which nearly killed me. My serious GF of 3 years (lived together etc) started gohsting me shortly after I got out of hospital. I was extremely down for a while as I was terrified because I was at a high risk of sudden death and devastated, because a 26 year old a shouldn’t be having a heart attack. At one point I was suicidal and she did not want to know. She decided she’d prefer to go on holiday with her “friend” who she hated with a vengeance a couple of months before.
I phoned her and told her I was upset that she chose to go on holiday instead of being with me at such a dangerous and scary time. Her and her whole family ganged up on me and called me a nasty, controlling and manipulative dictator. I ended up in A&E with a false alarm twice due to the stress that all this caused. She didn’t even phone me to see if I was ok.
The thing is, any other time I’d have been happy she was going somewhere with a friend. I wouldn’t have been bothered if she’d gone on this holiday of she’d have taken my feelings into account. I’ve never controlled her and alway tried to help her boost her confidence and independence.
From before and throughout our whole relationship she had no friends, was depressed and threatened suicide and self harm. I gave up seeing friends, eventually losing them, so I could stay and try and cheer her up. I was afraid to leave the house in case I came back to a dead or self harmed girlfriend. I didn’t study for my final uni exams (which I luckily passed with a high grade) and generally gave up pretty much everything so that I could try and cheer her up; throughout the relationship she refused to go to the Drs even though she knew she had a problem.
I encouraged her to join clubs and social groups and I encouraged her to go on nights out without me so that she could make friends etc but she didn’t. She just wanted me to care for her all the time and be around me always.
1 month after her holiday she ended the relationship because of my heart attack because I “could be dead in 10 years” and all the “hurt” I’ve caused for feeling abandoned. Even though I’ve made an excellent recovery and am no longer in danger.
I feel like I have been used for three years. This girl used to say she loved me with all of her heart and I was her soul mate. I believed her, i made myself vulnerable to her, gave her the best of myself and left nothing for me. I would have and still would die to have protected her and i don’t say this lightly.
She threw me in the bin the second things got hard. The second I couldn’t carry her through the hard parts in life she dropped me as if I never meant anything to her. She hasn’t even checked if I’m ok health wise since she left me.
All the support and sacrifices I made on her behalf I did willingly because I wanted to, because i loved her … I didnt keep score and expect to be payed back, but I thought she’d be there for me when it mattered. I thought that she’d have cared at least.
How do I get over this without having major fears of being chucked away the second I am temporarily unable to give and give and give?
How do I stop myself becoming bitter and afraid to love? How do I get over this? It’s shattered my whole outlook on love and life and the opposite sex.
After how she had discarded me I feel like nobody will ever want to be involved romantically with me again and it hurts because I have so much love to give.
Natalie,
Darn it. darn it. darn it. I have not been on baggage reclaim as much as I used to but have peeked back in and saw this pod cast. I live near San Fransisco and would of loved to have been part of the group you met with. I am so sorry I missed it! I signed up for your email list to be notified in the future if you come this way again. I have been reading your site for around 4 years now and you have been invaluable in my journey to better self awareness. I still have bumps in the road and continue to take two steps forward and one back back but I’m still learning. I am so grateful to have found you and your wonderful blog.