It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. My virtual mailbag has built up while I took some time off so this is a special episode dedicated to answering listener questions.
#1 Can I stand up to my disrespectful colleague? This listener was told to “shut up” by someone who she thought was a friend and they did it in front of everyone too.
#2 Should I send a ‘keep me in mind for the future’ letter to my ex? Her widower workaholic long-distance boyfriend has broken it off to date a woman closer to home and her therapist has suggested that due to the circumstances, that she should send him a letter telling him to get in touch if his situation changes.
#3 I can’t get a job and I feel like a failure in comparison to my ‘successful’ siblings. This is one of those situations that really exemplifies the vicious cycle of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Living with her dysfunctional family who patronise and insult her plus going out with a ‘successful’ younger guy plus ‘successful’ siblings plus her friends having jobs is convincing her that she has every reason to think that she’s a failure.
#4 Do I think too much? A comment that she’s heard too often from past partners, this listener is starting to question the aspects of her that she prides herself on.
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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wow nat, i am so thrilled and honored that you answered my question!
i’ve been a follower for years, and yeah, what you’ve said really helped me feel better. the reason why I am unemployed is because i was sexually harassed and threatened by my manager at what I had thought was an amazing job (finally with a great salary doing what i wanted to do, finally!! after all that struggle) that I moved cities for, and after just 2 months I was forced to resign. thankfully i have retained a lawyer but it has just a been extremely difficult time complete with bad mental health issues (depression and panic attacks) that developed in relation to the incidents.
and for the record the guy ended up dumping me right as this thing was happening with the harassment, in a really weird/mean way, blaming me for a whole bunch of stuff which he claimed made him feel like “I didn’t care about his feelings or needs and was using him for my entertainment (????what????)”, up to actually accusing me of “pressuring him into too much sex” which let me assure you did not happen…(guy had the most sex toys of anyone I’ve ever seen!!)
the whole thing left me feeling like an anvil had dropped on my head because it made zero sense at all, and it was so difficult to hear someone who I had tried hard to be a good girlfriend to, and saw a future with, make a bunch of random attacks on my character. that has also been extremely hard to deal with, but later actually I later realized that what had happened suggested to me that he has some pretty deep issues himself involving difficulty in making deep connections with others and issues around sex.
either way, as much as I want him back, I am going no-contact for the next few months or possibly indefinitely. i need time and distance away from that situation.. i need to get my OWN life back into order and I haven’t got any energy to spare!
it also goes to show that even though I idolized him w/his 200k salary per yr, jet-set tech job at an extremely high profile company and oxford education, I guess at least in one way he wasn’t as perfect as I had thought he was. and in one way I was a bit more advanced. it was clear to me that although he meant well, he was really struggling with what it meant to be in a relationship and seemingly struggling with guilt about his own sexuality.
thanks once again, will definitely be checking out your books and was already thinking about getting some coaching, but now I will look further into it. i actually have a dr’s appointment tomorrow to discuss getting on some medications and a therapist to help me in this difficult time.
best,
C
You’re very welcome C. And that gives an even fuller picture of what you’re going through and I’m going to say something that I really hope that you will take to heart:
You are waaaay too hard on you.
The way you painted things, it was like, “I’ve never had a job and I’m a f*ck-up” and that was bad enough but to rag on you for being sexually harassed by your manager?
Your level of performance and you being sexually harassed are unrelated. You could have done a rubbish job, the great job that you did or even did his job better than he did, and you would still have been sexually harassed. You are his target prey because you are more likely to question yourself and blame you than you are to tell him to take a run and jump, and do you know why?
Because of who you grew up around.
Now you could persecute you over this experience and punish you just as your parents might have done when you were a kid and then refuse to allow you to move on from an innocent mistake (when you were a kid) and now something deeply inappropriate that wasn’t your fault and represents someone abusing their power and abusing you.
I was sexually and racially harassed in a job where I too was performing well. He was reprimanded but he did get a promotion a few months afterwards (they didn’t want a ‘mistake’ to mar his career) so I resigned, went off travelling, and internalised that experience as yet one more abuse to blame me for. When I forgave my younger self for whatever the hell I was blaming her for not having known or done, I was free to move on. You need to, potentially with professional support, take a good hard look at what happened here.
Life is a funny ‘ole thing. It can be a right bitch even when it’s helping you out. One thing you can learn from this experience is that the way in which your parents think and behave, not only has nothing to do with you and any inadequacies that you perceive you to have but that no matter how hard you work or how nice you are, if someone wants to be a jackass and attempt to cross your boundaries, they will have a go at it. The difference will be how you see and treat yourself because the moment you see your parents behaviour for what it is and you stop trying to fix them by being The Good Girl or by fulfilling your role in the family, is the moment that your self-esteem starts to rise and you feel empowered in and out of your relationships. Best of luck at your appointment.
Dear Nat,
Thanks again, so so much, for this additional comment. It really has helped me a lot, and I’m taking steps to get the assistance I need. And will definitely take what you said to heart.
Sincerely,
C