It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions!
In episode 31, I cover:
Why procrastination isn’t about laziness: Some of the hardest working, stressed out people I know, who are incidentally all perfectionists, grapple with procrastination. So many people beat themselves up about procrastinating but it’s not about laziness; it’s about secret fears and self-protection (and self-sabotage). The book I mention in this segment is Get Things Done by Robert Kelsey.
When estranged/absent parents get ill: Getting the news that a parent who you’re not in touch or have a fraught relationship with (or who you don’t really know), is ill, throws up some very conflicting emotions and thoughts. These call for a great deal of self-care. I should know… This happened to me this week. I share suggestions on what you can do if you’re going through this. Download “How To Write Letters To Your Younger Self”
‘Mutual’ agreements:
I explain why saying/doing nothing isn’t an option in this situation.
Listener Question: Paula’s confused about the ‘rules’ about dating and when to have sex. She thinks that the rules should be different if you’re older. Following radio silence after having sex on the third date, she wants to know how to reclaim her dignity and what to do next time. I lay it down about the BS on these ‘rules’ and “making men wait”. I wrote about sexual values and include questions to help you figure out your own.
What I Learned This Week: I’ve been talking to so many people who are going through big time upheavals and I explain why even though it’s harder at some times more than others, that we have to trust that it will get better.
You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe. New to podcasts? Find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android
Please subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here) – it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this guide.
Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
Add to favorites
Thanks Nat, that last segment I really needed to hear. And my new therapist emphasized it too. I especially liked your metaphor about how life “cracks you open” to force you out of a direction that isn’t working.
Glad you’re seeing the new therapist. Change is very much a good thing and some of our greatest changes come from our greatest pains. Take care of you.
Nat, my thoughts are with you as you hear this news about your father. I’ve written before about considering estrangement from mine, and now I’m planning to visit as I keep a careful balance between compassion for him, and protection of myself. After I see him I have a few days of feeling derailed and usually need to go to an Al-Anon meeting, but feel strong enough to do this once or twice a year.
Too often, I worry about how I will handle bad news. Ultimately, I have to know that his life choices had consequences – of me needing to have distance in order to build a life from the ground up with people in it who are engaged and present. If I know my (in)actions will have consequences, I must hold up others to the same. But it gets difficult because sometimes I think he didn’t make any choices at all. I now think it’s gone too far for me to think I can change him, or that I’m being an ‘enabler’ by showing care and compassion, which I have in equal parts with anger and sadness.
It’s so common though, have seen a few cases where parents move in this direction after the children (my friends) move out or in retirement, which makes me feel sad for the friends. At least I’ve had nearly a lifetime to prepare! Please keep sharing your insights with us and I so agree about journalling x
Thanks Happy B. I know that you have done your best with your father and that the decisions you’ve had to make have been hard. You can’t change him and even though there are some unintended consequences that he has experienced, he has certainly made choices even if it was under the influence. I used to feel bad about acknowledging this but he has, they have. A choice made unconsciously is still a choice plus when we give up our responsibility that we cannot give away, that’s a choice too. But it is hard. Since this whole thing started a couple of weeks ago, the times I have cried have been about that realisation that choices have been made and it’s like there is this lack of care for life, for people, for who gets hurt. It can feel as if you (or anyone or anything else) is never ‘important’ [to him]. I will be OK and so will you.
In regards to the mutual agreements, I had a situation that cropped up at work recently. I work contract and my boss and I had an agreement on how certain situations should be handled. I had had an experience with him previously where he had tried to paint my reasonable limit as unreasonable because he didn’t want to deal with it. So I didn’t trust him and followed up this most recent conversation/agreement in writing, clarifying what are agreement was and asked him to let me know if I misunderstood anything.
Sure enough, a situation arose and I responded according to our agreement. Someone who had power had an issue with it downstream, so he was looking for someone to be accountable/responsible (to blame) for the consequence. He came to me to question the way I handled it. I reminded him of our agreement and let him know I handled it exactly as agreed upon and I restated the terms. He took one term and tried to make it like it was different. Think – the rule is no hitting and the person slaps them instead, and he claimed that’s not hitting. Not sure what to call that besides BS.
I let him know that that thing was exactly the same thing and I did what was expected of me. There was a witness with me this time for the conversation. Who later said that the boss can’t change the rules in the middle.
I was so happy and proud that I was able to stand up for myself calmly and assertively. It is in large part to the support and encouragement I’ve received from many of you (Natalie, V, Oona, Suki, Michelle, Say Something, and many more)! I have your voices guiding me/encouraging me on in tough situations. I can see more clearly now that he/they don’t do these things because I deserve it, they do it because of who they are (untrustworthy). I am responsible for protecting myself from them, something I wasn’t doing before, because I didn’t know how and (a part of me) believed it was my fault/I somehow deserved it.
The issue keeps cropping up for me – abuse of power/not being supported/protected by people with the power/responsibility to protect me (including me)- and I’m getting it!! If you have insights on this dynamic and other insights/ways to deal with it, I’m very open to advice/feedback.
I’ve been afraid to go to a regular permanent position until I feel I have a handle on it because I know how hard it is to work in that dynamic. I’m so ready to be done with this lesson! 🙂
Good for you Veracity! It was your own voice that made the difference! Even if it feels uncomfortable, it is worth standing up for yourself. I hope you are proud of YOU 🙂
Thanks, Say Something! I’m coming to realize that it was about approval – getting their approval isn’t as important as getting mine. Speaking up in the moment is getting easier and easier. Yay!
I realize now that I didn’t say something that was a really important part of this – the regular staff are not held to the same standards as he holds me to. The things he gives me a hard time for/will not allow me to do, they do regularly. Since I am not protected by the union/am not an employee, he makes it my problem (puts it on me) instead of his.
I love this story because it encapsulates everything I talked about. He really tried to pull a fast one on you and you know what? He now knows he needs to watch himself. He might try it again with you but he will be met with a similar response. I love that you claimed your power in the situation and rather than focusing purely on his crappy, irresponsible behaviour, you opted to be boundaried from your side and draw your line. Lo and behold, others stepped in too. Go you!