In episode 52, I cover:
Why are you moving in together? Some people move in together as a demonstration of their commitment to each other and the merging of their lives and belongings, and some people see it as a ‘try before you buy’ to see if they want to commit. I talk about why it’s not a good idea to move in together for primarily financial/practical/trialing reasons and talk about some of the things we need to consider before we make that leap.
Seeking admiration, approval and validation. The more we look outside of us is the more insecure we feel. I talk about the dangerous compromises we make in our quest to convince others and why we can’t live our lives for others.
Listener Question: After a series of painful relationships where she felt a lot of self-hatred during and afterwards, Nia has given up on falling in love again but it’s not going down very well with her loved ones. She wants to know whether she’s in the wrong for giving up or whether they are for pressuring her. | The post, ‘If We Give Up On Love, We Give Up On Ourselves
What I Learned This Week: I’ve got to remember what I’m going through right now.
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Nat xxx
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Hi Natalie
Great episode. Hope the low number of comments is not discouraging you from keeping up the increased podcast frequency – you are putting a lot off good stuff out there and it’s really awesome and useful but it takes some time for it to be processed properly.
I personally found the part about warning particularly useful. I have certainly been guilty of trying to secure potential relationship success by pre-warning and pre-conditioning guys, needless to say- to no avail. Either they were massive walking projectors and fastforwarders and it simply went over their heads while they were under the charm of the idealised picture of me they were broadcasting or they were downright assclowns with no empathy. I continued to do it thinking that when the right dude comes along he will be grateful for the heads up and use the knowledge to care about me better but of course you are right – all it is is giving up power and all it does is keep you from getting to know them for who they are. You might be helping them deceive you better but it only sets you up for pain.
I think part of the reason why it’s so tempting is the naive subconscious idea that if you bestow this knowledge upon them it’s some kind of insurance policy, you can be less alert and present and just enjoy the ride without having to worry because surely they now know how not to treat you now.
Thanks for this!
A
Hi Anna, thanks for the note. Podcast posts don’t get a lot of comments across the board. In fact commenting full stop represents about 1% of the audience. I value the input but like self-esteem, I’ve learned not to rely on it.
This part right here: “I continued to do it thinking that when the right dude comes along he will be grateful for the heads up and use the knowledge to care about me better but of course you are right…”
This is golden. You can see where we’re going with this idea but actually, we’re asking them to care for a past version of us and the fallout from a previous relationship. In the end, we need them to care for us as a loving partner rather than as somebody who is attended to the wounded. Thank you for sharing.
Natalie…thank you for this one – I have been struggling with some issues recently and it’s so strange to go oline and to see you posting -yet again!- about the very thing that’s been making me lose sleep… I am still ruminating on some things and don’t feel now would be a good time to write – maybe once I’ve digested it all, I’d make more sense.
I did want to say, like Anna above, that I do hope you won’t stop doing the podcasts. I have now strated listening to them when I can, and have been missing the many comments all readers/listeners used to post… I don’t know what’s been happening, but I do wish that all people who listen to the podcasts would take some time to write down a few words. I’ve often found that some of the thoughts that were going through my head at different times, all in a mess, became more clear as I read the comments from everyone, and their reflections on what was being discussed. It helped. So ladies and gentlemen, I sort of miss the many messages, many points of view, the support of the minicommunity here. At times, you were sort of giving voice to the things I could not clearly articulate or see…
So Natalie, thanks again and please keep doing the podcasts as well as the blog entries too…
x