It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
In episode 64, I cover:
Is it time to go on a social media diet? I’ve deleted the Facebook app from my phone. In the space of a few days, I’ve become super aware of how often I accessed the app despite me not being on there all the time, but it’s also already made an impact on my day and what I consume.
Podcast: Is Facebook ruling your world?
Is it time to take a break from Facebook?
Stop, Start, Continue: Utilising this simple change management tool can help you to give you constructive, balanced feedback. | Download the worksheet
Stressful decisions: Do you fear saying yes or no on something small because you’re afraid that you might be saying yes (or no) to something much bigger?
Listener Question: Becki wants to know whether after five years of being single and dating Mr Unavailable after Mr Unavailable, whether she should quit online dating altogether.
The Trouble With Being Blinded By Appearance
Keeping It Real About Online Dating: The People Supermarket
Intensity Isn’t The Same As Intimacy
Don’t Scratch The Loneliness Itch With The Wrong Scratcher
Loneliness Happens When We Stop Expressing How We Feel and Lose Emotional Connections
Have you inadvertently found yourself in a fantasy relationship?
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship
The Trouble With Being Blinded By Appearance
What I Learned This Week: Perseverance and letting go of the idea that things should happen on my beat.
How I Learned To Listen To Myself
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Nat xxx
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Hi. Thank you so much for this inspiring episode.
It seems that Stop, Start, Continue Worksheet was confused with 10 Questions – Is Your Partner Emotionally Available?
I find I let Facebook and dating sites be a huge drain on my time. I deactivated my Facebook account a couple of months ago but joined POF yesterday to see what it’s like as I’ve been off dating sites for over a year. I’ve already wasted loads of time looking at profiles and, really, there are other more constructive things I could have done with that time. Ugh! I’ve locked down the mail settings so I’m not bombarded with notifications or their marketing. I don’t even know why I’ve gone on there again. It’s not like I’m in a position to have a relationship anyway, yet there it is on my profile. I should change that bit to “just here for a nosey – contact me if you wanna try convince me I can fit you into my life somewhere” and then what sort will I get? Unavailables. Will I ever learn? I could put looking for friends, possible relationship. But what do you do with the ones that don’t lead to a relationship – have a load of male ‘friends’? That’s not what I want either. Hmmm…
I finally decided today after reading this blog for literally YEARS, that I would share my recent journey to give those of you in a crummy place hope for your future if you are feeling really bad right now! The reason this Baggage reclaim session prompted my confession is that I had been trying to use FB to show that I was doing great – when in fact I havnt.
I acknowledged (to myself) that I had a self esteem problem after buying your books, No contact rule and the dreamer and Fantasy relationships and reading your blog for oh about 3 years! lol I am super educated, attractive, fit, have a really cool career and have exhibited all of the stupid, low self esteem behaviour in ‘relationships’ virtual, real, imagined, casual and committed and completely unable to stop myself from making crummy choices thinking (incorrectly) that I was in complete control of myself until a few months ago. What caused this change? you ask. I attended a sales conference where I met a coach and her and I really connected. In the course of working through a coaching session related to my business, I was really honest with her about everything and I mean everything and I discovered that I was exhibiting these low self esteem behaviours in my business too (your blogs really make that clear too – but I thought no that’s not me until recently). That coach said something to me which shifted everything – ” When a woman plays small in business – she is generally playing small in other parts of her life”. Hmph! She means me! Then over the next week, its like all of the pain of the guys not calling back, saying hey I don’t want a relationship, not texting, not being real, leaving making plans till the last minute or cancelling at the last minute and generally being EUM AClowns came flooding in at once and broke something in my brain! LOL Awesome- because it meant that for the first time I admitted I have a problem. I was using any crumb I could get to make myself feel better but the problem with that is the side effects of the crumbs make you feel worse and then you go looking for more crumbs and so down the spiral goes. I realised I was using the initial yes and the crumbs from these AC to compensate for the NO’s I had received and the dissapointment in my business and collapse of my marriage. When I made that connection, I want to tell you that for the first time a few months ago, after crying my eyes out for the first time in a long time, I started rejecting the crumbs. The more you reject the crumbs, the more empowering and downright powerful and SEXY you will feel. Here’s my prescription for how I feel better starting a few months ago by showing you the crumbs I rejected by using Natalies NC technique.
1. AC1 that I met online who cancelled our second date and then sent a text three days later that he was ‘coming to get some tonight’, was met with silence until about 9pm that night when I told him I already had plans. NC since. Wish I hadn’t replied or had been a smartass about it.
2. Long Term AC2, I Was staying at his house and when he told me he was going out with another chick and her dad to go fishing for the night but he would be back late – I said coool no problem and then I left and didn’t come back and didnt call. He sent some stupid texts a week later about me breaking up with him – he always told me that we were never together so I am not sure what his tantrum is about and I actually don’t care. Still NC.
3. AC3, went away for extended time part of that time with his Ex who he doesn’t live with and his kid and contacted me the whole time saying he loved me blah blah blah and then when he returned is not answering calls or texts from me except for one phone call and two texts. Says he missed me but no action from his side to catch up. I literally can’t be effed to call or text or anything. Needless to say I am NC and plan to stay that way. We had great ‘chemistry’ but I am so turned off by the situation its gone hurrah!
4. AC4, met online, went on two dates which were amazing where he future faked the entire time, and after 2 months on further dates being a non-starter I am NC.
5. Long term AC5 asked me to move in with him and then wouldn’t answer my calls and texts – also NC but I left a message politely and calmly telling him our journey was at an end because he wouldn’t pickup the phone. (Wish I didn’t do that- its kinda obvious the journey was at an end)
6. Previous married AC6 I actually rejected him before my epiphany because we were planning to meet up for fun and he couldn’t be bothered to pickup the phone to organise. In the past I would have been that desperado who chased him so I could get me attention fix. NC for him.
The great thing is that I am behaving like I value myself in business and now in my personal life. I feel happy and free and I have so much more time to enjoy life and do the things I want. That’s not to say that every now and then I have that butt clenching fear feeling that I won’t experience the happiness I want but I decided that I would rather be alone with my dignity intact that pander to one more bit of BS from an AC or EUM for one more second. Why? Because I am beautiful, valuable and an incredible human being that someone should cherish and I have started by cherishing myself. You can get through whatever it is that you are experiencing – just choose yourself first. If someone wants to be in my life – they have to prove it to me first.
Epiphany Mary-Jane,
Your last paragraph – “The great thing is that I am behaving like I value myself in business and now in my personal life. I feel happy and free and I have so much more time to enjoy life and do the things I want. That’s not to say that every now and then I have that butt clenching fear feeling that I won’t experience the happiness I want but I decided that I would rather be alone with my dignity intact that pander to one more bit of BS from an AC or EUM for one more second. Why? Because I am beautiful, valuable and an incredible human being that someone should cherish and I have started by cherishing myself. You can get through whatever it is that you are experiencing – just choose yourself first. If someone wants to be in my life – they have to prove it to me first.” – that is where I want to be.
Thank you so much for your post, it is inspiring.
Heartbroken xx
You are welcome Heartbroken, My post was for you and for all of the other people that are currently feeling like their world is upside down and that the sun won’t shine again. I wrote the post because I asked myself what could I write to support the person I was just 3 months ago before my epiphany and through all the BS I have put up with. I wrote it to support the me from 3 years ago with another married AC (not on my list) who swore up and down that his marriage was over but after a 9 month intense emotional affair and then at the end of that time sleeping together said he wanted to make sure he didnt smell different when he went home. (Sidenote anyone who cares how they smell means their marriage is not over and I kicked his ass to the curb then and there – yay me but I was heartbroken) then 2 years ago when I was desperately trying to go NC with AC2 and AC3 a year ago but still had that sick feeling of rejection all over me that wouldn’t wash off no matter what I did. (Truth is it doesn’t wash off because the feeling comes from inside yourself its self inflicted because we keep letting AClowns treat us like rubbish and keep going back for more to get our crumbs), I wanted ‘me’ to know that I would get through it and that the sun would shine again but more brightly than before. I want you to know that everything will be Okay. You are going to be alright and when you rise up in the strength of putting yourself first and following all of Natalie’s incredible advice you are going to feel like the awesome, beautiful unique woman/man that you are.
Feeling the rejection today, even more so today because I know MM is lunching with the new woman Was in tears last night – i think it all hit me. Again.
And yes it is self inflicted, because I am allowing myself to think about him.
Have been reciting my mantra -‘he’s a lying shit, I’m better off without him’ – several times to myself, and telling myself he is deceiving her as well. That small fact makes me feel a tiny bit better.
Well, I’ve been wondering who the other woman is. I had kind of worked it out. But today I saw him walking walking out of meeting along the road with who I though it was, like to ordinary colleagues. He saw me across the road and waved, all nonchalant. I was going in the same direction and hung back.
Yep she was definitely the new woman – they were holding hands just outside the cafe they going into for lunch. The same place he and I use to go to!
Seeing him acting with her the way he use to with me made me shake like a leaf.
What a f***king shit.
Regarding Facebook, I’ve always avoided divulging much personal information, partly because my list of friends includes colleagues, clients and a few distant relatives who don’t have a need to know personal things about my life. Also, things like telling everyone I’m headed off to Timbuktu on a two week cruise is an open invitation to burglars who may know me superficially, but well enough to know where I live, etc.
Furthermore, I detest it when people make scenes in public, so I never divulge my relationship status or mention any real life squabbles on Facebook, lest I open myself up to any scene-making.
But then came the November election in the U.S. and my sense of privacy and decorum exploded.
The gloves came off when I would read racist or sexist statements, and I found myself aggressively confronting the effing idiots.
As a retired professional journalist, I watched in horror as fake news sites started appearing in droves. These were plain old blogs with official sounding names and well designed mastheads, and on both sides the bullshit and lies started spewing. FB users would share the worst lies by the thousands, and especially heinous lies went viral. Lies became truth and the truth became lies; and I felt obligated to write about the importance of vetting sources, in addition to pointing out one particular candidate’s bold face lies, racist, xenophobic, homophobic and sexist statements, along with other factors that should have disqualified this person from even running for office.
Now people distrust the entire media because FB, Twitter and other online media refused to make (or enforce) any rules about the amateurs making libelous statements, guttersniping and fanning the flames of hatred in general. By the end, I was using the same shocking language that one candidate made commonplace in stump speeches. People recoiled in horror and I’d reply that if it was okay for _____ to use those terms, why are they being so touchy when FB members like me use them?
It felt like a do-or-die situation for everyone on both sides. Friends were made and others were lost. Relatives were cut out of wills. I often wrote provocative posts and made rude comments for hours on end. I’d finally log out when I noticed my jaw hurting from clenching it for too many hours.
By the day after the election, I felt like Don Quixote. I have cut down on FB time considerably since then. I think social media is partly to blame for my nation starting to collapse, and I am partly to blame as well because I dished it out as good as I got.
Note: To better understand the rules all professional, mainstream media journalists must adhere to, Google the canon of ethics listed on the Society of Professional Journalists web site. Breaking any of the canon rules usually results in the reporter being fired, or having his or her credibility questioned from then on, both from bosses and colleagues.
Karen,
You are so not alone in your feelings. I’ve stayed off Facebook for some time now, but I still hear what is happening. Amazing that journalists have to abide by ethics, but not so much with elected officials. BTW I told my high school aged son that if he ever gets in trouble at school for anything he says, just tell them it was locker room talk. He didn’t go to school the day after the election. We both stayed home. You should’ve seen the note I sent to the school explaining his absence. The look on his face was priceless- somewhere between WTF Mom and a smug grin- not sure whether he actually turned it in or not…