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Last November, when I decided that I was going to write my book Love, Care, Trust & Respect, I realised that the only way that I was going to get it done and dusted was if I removed the main distractions. Aside from getting out of the house, the major move was to delete the Facebook app from my phone. I had originally intended for this to be temporary, but 10 months on and I’ve deleted Twitter as well (I would delete Instagram but you can’t use it properly without the app).
So, on this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I share what I’ve learned over the last ten months of social media dieting and talk about some of the other reasons why I’m making a big shift. The experiment has basically been to answer the question, Will my life fall apart if I’m not on social media?, and the answer is a resounding no.
>> Why recognising that adults of all ages struggle with the emotional consequences of engaging online and sharing information about themselves has reminded me to lead from the front with my daughters, after all, if we are hugely affected and don’t know what we’re doing and why half the time, we need to be more mindful of the impact upon children
>> Why it started out as being about my personal use of Facebook but I then took a break from social media even with regards to work
>> The big six problems online that represent poor boundaries:
#1 We are exposed to far more noise than we ever have been and it’s too much
#2 The negativity–arguing, judging, belittling, name-calling, shaming, misinformation, and the ‘cycle of outrage’ where we’re essentially logging in to get mad about stuff and then coming off and getting back to life, and then logging in only to feel outraged again, and lather, rinse, repeat
#3 Not distinguishing between what’s real and what’s fake, and this includes not recognising that people only share snapshots of their lives and even when they share a lot, it’s often curated.
#4 Engaging in far too much comparison and the toll it takes on our mental health
#5 Emotional unavailability, so the fact that some of us are using social media to detach from our emotions and to avoid true intimacy
#6 Being distracted, down and drained
>>The key lessons I’ve learned from my social media diet
>> You don’t know your usage or even your dependency until you delete the app and curtail your use. Suddenly you notice how many times you go to pick up your phone and check for the non-existent notifications!
>> When you put out one fire, sometimes another one lights up. The focus of social media diets tends to be good ole Facebook but what I found is that after I deleted it, I was more active on the Twitter app and skimming through the feed. Yes, I deleted that too.
>> I don’t need to be notified about 99% of the stuff that I’m notified about. Nuff said.
>> I’m not missing anything. This is psychological bullsh-t that’s in part driven by the way that these platforms work but also by our egos. Fact is, we’re not seeing ‘everything’ on any of these platforms. We are, for example, only seeing a fraction of the updates from our friend list and the pages and groups that we’ve liked and joined because, wellllllll, Facebook wants you to be looking at ads.
>> The world has a lot of problems but if you spend less time on social media, especially Facebook and Twitter, you won’t feel the urge to give up on humanity.
>> It’s liberating. I enjoy being less distracted and using my spare moments and free time in different ways. Yes, sometimes it’s OK for me to do absolutely nothing at all!
>> The big signs that you need to go on a social media diet
>> Your emotional and mental health is being compromised by your usage or it’s certainly compounding an existing issue.
>> You’re using it as one big fat exercise in comparison, envy, jealousy, beating yourself up and basically feeling small.
>> Your real relationships and priorities are suffering.
>> You don’t like a lot of the people you’re surrounded by and hard as it might be to admit, you go on there to feel superior.
>> You’re in a ‘cycle of outrage’ and have been in more than a couple of spats online. I know of people who are in constant ‘misunderstandings’ online and would have a fight with a paper bag. These incidences are a message from life to step away from the online light and refocus your energies.
>> There’s a significant shift in your mindset, attitude, feelings and behaviour–so you’re collecting attention and basically getting high on the strokes, or you feel low afterwards.
>> You’re forgetting who you really are.
>> Why you don’t need to have ‘major’ reasons for having a social media break and that it can quite simply come down to understanding what feels good and right for you (your values) and making choices that work for you.
>> What someone else is cool with, might not be for you.
>> It doesn’t make you ‘weak’ or ‘weird’ if you are affected by social media so there’s no need to tell you that you ‘should’ be able to handle it.
>> Ask yourself: How do I want to feel and continue feeling? Am I raised or am I drained? Does this live up to my values? Basically, listen to yourself.
>> The importance of being a conscious consumer of content instead of being bombarded–yes, we can be more choosy about what we read and who we’re surrounding ourselves with online.
>> Why it doesn’t have to be about giving it up entirely but instead finding your sweet spot–the intersection of where you use it and enjoy it, and don’t go beyond that.
>> 5 things that you can do straight away to begin your own social media diet
#1 Delete the apps from your phone so that you have to make a more conscious and concerted effort to use the platforms
#2 Not ready to delete? Turn off the notifications.
#3 Whether you delete the app or not, set a time limit for your usage and also be more mindful of how often you’re going to your phone etc to check on what’s going on. I said 3 times a day for ten minutes for Facebook and I’m now ‘lucky’ if I use that daily time allocation in one week.
#4 Influence what you’re seeing by having a tidy-up
> Go through all of the pages that you’ve liked and unlike anything that you’re not into
> Go through Facebook groups that you’ve joined and any that give you that icky feeling and that are not adding genuine value to your life, cut ’em!
> Go through your friend and follower list and unfriend and unfollow people you don’t know, are sharing stuff that drains you out, or that you know bring out unpleasant feelings in you. What some people find is that they unfollow everyone on, for instance, Twitter and then notice who they miss. You can use tools like ManageFlitter to clean up your Twitter.
#5 Notice your feelings–they’re there to guide you. If you feel despair, guilt, obligation, resentment, superior, inferior, anxious, afraid, judgemental, envious, jealous, helpless, powerless, victimised or depressed when you use social media or afterwards, note what or who you’re engaging with so that you can be more mindful of that type of engagement and content. It’s likely a sign that you need to step back from whatever it is or even remove it.
Links mentioned
>> Episode 64 where I talk about my early lessons from being on this social media diet
>>About scratching the loneliness itch with the wrong scratcher
>> I mentioned that I’m in a couple of friends Facebook groups including Janet Murray’s Soulful PR community
>> My Break The Cycle course is open for enrollment
Next stop
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Natalie-
I am SO glad you recorded this podcast. I have been struggling of late with feeling overwhelmed/so annoyed by Facebook and my tendency to check it all the time. It has been leaving me feeling constantly irritated, especially with a certain close friend of mine making no effort in real life to maintain our friendship, yet always being responsive on Facebook. I cannot wait to listen to the podcast. Thank you!
-Evelyn
Yes Nat! I’ve logged onto BR wondering why it had been more time than usual since your last post/blog, hoping that you were ok, but also figured this exact thing-that you might have had to unplug for a bit. It made me realize my own dependence upon social media, as a means of self-sabotage, (I should be studying instead,) as I was expecting a post from you sooner and have been searching for it daily…and here it is, lol.
I had the realization last month that Facebook is actually the biggest anti-social network, rather than a social network; lol, again….
Good stuff as always lady.
Blessings upon you
Social media can be a huge time suck if you let it. I’m on Faceplant only because it’s the only way I can be on another, closed rship blog and I can keep in touch with some folk who’ve left this area. That, and a number of Native resistance sites as I am a Water Protector. Widower, my latest cheating ex, is a Faceplant and texting addict so the first thing I did was block him. If he posted anything even near the amount of stuff he posted upon meeting me, I don’t wanna see it. Took a looong time to not automatically check texts because he’d text many times a day. Now there’s nothing there but contacts from on line dudes, so called “matches” with the totally non-compatible. Makes me feel marginalized, lonely, isolated some times; however, right now that IS my reality and rather than soothe myself with meaningless contact, i need to feel that pain and help it further my journey to leave here and find somewhere more hospitable to this older, outdoorenviro, intellectual chick????????
I’m on a social media diet myself. It’s just a false sense of reality. Society has turned to these social media platforms that play out their lives in front of our eyes every single day! I think it prevents people from having real relationships in real life. I would rather keep my friendships and relationships off social media if I can help it.
There’s less stress and less pressure when you aren’t a constant spectator to false social media lives.
Not a Facebook user, but on Twitter (work account). Have deleted 2 personal accounts over past 3 years due to complete meltdowns with relationships & how these accounts only made me feel worse, because I could see the whole story of each failure play out. Now I feel horrible because MM who abandoned me in June has resurrected himself with a new Twitter account, using his real name (it’s definitely him, not me looking for traces of him.)
Every time I feel a little better, it seems someone retweets something from or about him, even though I muted his account.
I have high-functioning autism, no family or friends in my life, so the whole social media landscape is extra horrible. It makes isolation & abandonment hurt beyond belief. I do not voice any of this on Twitter, as it would only make the work account look bad/unprofessional, & probably come to the attention of the MM. (He initiated NC in June, bailing on a meet-up in a distant place in another country, simply telling me I was in his prayers & he needed me out of his life because of his marriage & child. I have heard nothing from him since; I have not violated his NC, but it feels forced on me & brutally hurtful.)
I love BR, yet I hate the message that all will be better if only I can love myself. No one loves or cares about me, & I am tired of the fight. I really think I’m quite fine in my own right, based on attributes like looks, intelligence, etc. but the struggle of bothering with day to day life gets harder when so alone & rejected, even if by an MM. Also trapped in economic dependence on much older man & feel like a parasite. I feel no love for anyone anymore. I feel disgust for myself.
Lost,
I understand the added struggle in trying to love yourself when you lack love from family and friends or a support system. It can leave you feeling just too exhausted to keep going. I heard it described before that people are like cars, it is not the year of the car but the number of miles. We can have a tremendous additional burden (mileage) on our hearts and souls and ability to keep going when we are the only ones who seem to see good in ourselves. With that being said, i cant say learning to love ourselves, especially in what you describe which is similar for me, is easy or even fluid or that everything is made better. I can say it is worth it, especially finding kinder ways to treat and talk to ourselves. There will still be the added challenge that many wont ever understand, a hole you wish wasnt there but please know you are not alone. Have empathy for yourself too the best you can and just allow yourself to be human and feel what you are feeling even if others cant. Its ok to feel too tired to go on, and just keep going on, too tired, exhausted, feeling like you cant anymore, just keep going. I wish you well and lots of love and hugs from someone who knows. Take care!
Lost,
Similarly to you, I have little in the way of family support (narcissistic mother, detached/avoidant step-father and an older brother who rarely acknowledges my existence). I grew up feeling unwanted, unloved and generally unhappy, so as an adult I sought out romantic relationships in a misguided attempt to find the love/validation that I craved so much. I also fell into the trap of thinking that a much older married man loved during my early 20s, only to find out that he wasn’t prepared to walk away from his “loveless marriage” (his words, not mine) in order to give our situation a fair chance. I also relied on him economically at the time, which just compounded my feelings of hopelessness after we split. I felt like the world’s biggest loser. No man, no money, no family and a decrepit studio flat which I could barely afford.
You and I both know that messing around with married men is A) wrong; and; B) leads to nowhere good, so we need to stop fantasising about what could’ve been, or mourning what we supposedly lost, and get real about the facts: it was a torrid affair which had no future. You do have my utmost respect for maintaining NC with the MM, and that’s something you should be proud of. This tells me that you’re a strong and determined woman who is too proud/dignified to lower yourself for the sake of gaining his attention. Keep it up.
I’m gonna be the bad cop here and tell you something which you probably don’t want to hear… YOU need to take control of your life and stop relying on men to care for you or fill the void you have. Yeah, we’d all love to be happily settled/married/secure with kids and a white picket fence, but some of us aren’t, and we never will be until we learn to take accountability for our actions and learn how we can do better in future. If you find yourself reliant on men for money, the quick-fix solution is to get a 2nd job, or a better paying one, or cut down your expenses somehow. To have financial independence and freedom is a wonderful thing and something that makes me feel good when I’m depressed and hell-bent on being my own worst critic. Just knowing that I’m in a place where I can support myself financially, afford my own home (no more flat sharing with randoms!), and have a good standard of living, is amazing because in spite of how dead my love life is, it still shows growth. I now have a solid income, a good career and a roof over my head – and NOBODY – man, woman or child – can EVER take that away from me! No woman should have to rely on a man to supplement their income (or provide one) in this day and age – it’s too risky and leaves you wide open to a number of abuses and/or exploitation. You’ll feel so much better about yourself and your circumstances when you’re truly independent because that is an act of self love and being kind to yourself.
“I love BR, yet I hate the message that all will be better if only I can love myself. No one loves or cares about me, & I am tired of the fight.”
Self love is the only way to get unstuck Lost! When you start to love you, you won’t ever look at a MM as a viable love interest ever again! You will fight to make sure you’re getting the best out of life because you will believe that you deserve nothing but the best and will move mountains to make that a reality. No one can do this for you but YOU. Why do you believe that if no one else loves you, then you can’t love you? I hope one day you’ll look back and see how crazy that all sounds. Until then, I would urge you to find someone to speak to – a counsellor, therapists, or good friend perhaps. Set yourself some goals or targets (realistic and achievable), and start living your life and being happy!
I wish you all the best.
Thank you, HappyAgain & London Lupie, for the kind words & suggestions. NC is so much harder when the MM was the only person who said anything positive or loving to me, or about me, or showed any interest in anything at all in my life. There is truly no one who has any interest now, which adds to the whole social media allure: How easy is it to go on Twitter & rant or drop hints or subtweet the MM’s new account? Too easy.
BTW London Lupie, I admire your independence & ability to get that wonderful life for yourself. I mentioned my disability & disconnection from others because it explains my financial dependence on the much-older man, who is not the MM, I should add.
(The MM is actually younger than me by a decade & is the one who begged me not to abandon him, before I got a great email telling me he “needed this to be the end” because he suddenly was putting his wife & child as #1.)
I am well-educated but quite disabled, & work from “home” in the older man’s house. If I leave, I am instantly homeless, unemployed & also have zero people instead of one “in my corner”. Trying to work things out by meeting with local autism society this week about alternatives. I don’t talk it through with frineds or family, because there are no friends (zero, just the older man who I am beginning to hate & hate my dependence on) & family (same situation as you described London Lupie: narc mom + avoidant dad + siblings (several) who ignore or mock me).
“You will fight to make sure you’re getting the best out of life because you will believe that you deserve nothing but the best and will move mountains to make that a reality. No one can do this for you but YOU. Why do you believe that if no one else loves you, then you can’t love you?”
Well, I do already fight everyday, but it has involved some bad bargains (sex for shelter, etc.) I know this is not uncommon. It makes it very hard to like, let alone love, yourself. I do see a hospital psychologist & she said she never had a patient who hated themself like I do. This, plus all the isolation of having aspergers/autism, drives me to the limit. Being OFF social media as much as possible helps keep me from disclosing this kind of material to people who would use it against me, or worse, stalking the MM on Twitter. I want to, because it’s hellish without him, but I know from BR that however much I want that situation, it’s unrealistic. I think self-love is impossible for me, but I still find great value in reading Nat’s wisdom & the comments here.
Lost,
Self love is not impossible for you. It is an every day process and over time with consistent effort it will improve. That doesnt mean you wont have your struggles. It is not fluid but i am living witness it will improve if you keep trying. Read Natalies articles and if you can i highly recommend her self esteem class. You are worth loving. You have to accept that. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Hugs.
Lost,
Thank you kindly for sharing details of your situation with us. I apologise for coming across all guns blazing, that was not my intention. I have a better understanding of where you’re coming from now.
I will ask this, if your disabilities are significant, then surely you are entitled to social housing as a priority candidate? Nobody should have to be in a situation of doing sexual favours for shelter – that’s abhorrent and flagrant exploitation on behalf of the old man. Which country do you reside in? If you’re in the UK like me, then there should be no issues with getting you onto the social housing register. I can find out more information if you like and get back to you asap.
I stand by what I said before about only YOU holding the power to change things. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s true. It wasn’t until I got fed up of feeling like a victim of my life, that I decided to take control of the things that were within my power to change. That meant getting a better paying job, saving what little money I could until I had enough for a deposit, paying off my debts, taking care of my lupus, etc, etc. It’s these small changes that eventually led to me being independent, healthy and (dare I say it) happier – but it didn’t happen overnight. I fell off that wagon many times! Haha. You just have to keep trucking on.
I started to treat myself with more love and care because I also came to realise that if I didn’t love me, who else would? This world is hard enough and people are generally sh*t to each other given half a chance, so I needed to be the love that I never received growing up. With the help of my therapist, I’m now capable of soothing myself when I’m having a rough time, I chastise the negative voices whenever they reappear, I do things that I know my inner child/adult self will enjoy (like watching Disney films and eating vegan ice cream in bed) because these are things that I enjoy and reminds me that life isn’t all bad.
Please make the commitment to love and honour YOU. I promise you won’t regret it.
Thank you for caring, London Lupie. I hear your message, loud & clear.
“I will ask this, if your disabilities are significant, then surely you are entitled to social housing as a priority candidate?”
My disability is Asperger’s (high-functioning autism). I live in Canada. Unfortunately, after meeting with 2 staff from the regional autism centre yesterday, I was informed that there are no programs or supports for non-intellectually-disabled adults with autism.
I would really rather work anyway, but I have 2 degrees & 2 diplomas, all useless because of subject matter (arts) & I am nearing age 50. Because of my disability, I am unable to work in appropriate fields or enough hours to support myself financially.
It is not as though I have not tried (waitessing, “exotic dancer”, cashier, freelance writing, receptionist, warehouse worker, cleaner…), but as you can see, none of this kind of work has worked out. It pays very low & I get treated extremely poorly because of my obvious Aspergers, which attracts bullying, mockery, mistreatment. It is the nature of the disability, in fact.
“Nobody should have to be in a situation of doing sexual favours for shelter – that’s abhorrent and flagrant exploitation on behalf of the old man.”
It is. I began to hate him after he gave me an ultimatum a few years ago, to do certain unusual “sexual favours” or he would dump me. Then I would be homeless. He had offered for me to move in with him when it became clear I was being forced out of last job due to Aspergers social problems. Now he seems to want a wife/housekeeper/prostitute. I refuse everything now, but am a parasite under his roof, which I hate.
However, I just saw on the news that housing is at its most unaffordable since 1990 this year. I am trying to get by on $650-$1000 or so, average, Canadian per month. Most apartments are more than my entire monthly income in monthy rent. The reality is, I cannot afford to live alone. And I have only ever been a tolerable roommate to male sexual partners–which the austim centre workers said puts me at extreme risk of homelessness & even worse forms of sexual exploitation.
Tim to buy a lottery ticket, I guess! I don’t want charity, from anyone, including men who are happy to be “kind” to me and overlook my bad symptoms of AS for the sake of sex or pretending I am their wife…
Sorry: I know this kind of situation goes beyond BR’s mandate. But I do get upset when I read about becoming my true self, living with dignity & integrity, & yet real life lacks options. The disability, even though neurological not physical like lupus, is VERY real. When I say “no friends & family”, I mean the AS makes me too irritating for them to want around, so my main goal in life is staying off the street.
Hi Lost, I wanted to take a few moments to respond to you. While I do definitely believe that the way that we treat and regard ourselves is pivotal to our happiness, our emotional development, and the quality of relationships, it’s neither a magic bullet or ‘easy’, otherwise we would all crack on and do it without resistance. You have factors that are contributing to the way that you see and treat yourself that others who might share, for instance, similarities in terms of experiences in the earlier years of their life, are not contending with. That means that with your Aspergers, that has to be taken into account as a factor. You have encountered people that prey on your vulnerability in terms of them recognising that you don’t feel supported and that you are trying to survive at the same time. These energy vampires prey on a very real need for you to be nurtured and for you not to be going through life on your own. We are not an island. We need quality interpersonal relationships and we need support. Your body and mind are not failing you and you are very real person with needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions, who has good qualities and who is being failed by society and the system. I have a good friend who was only diagnosed in later life and it explained a lot of things and helped her relate to her daughter who also has it. She’s even written a YA book about it. In fact, I know a number of women, particularly younger women, who have been diagnosed. I say this because it’s important for you to know that you have every right to a good life, that you are already a worthwhile and valuable person, and that support and personal understanding and patience with your Aspergers, is critical. I know that you’re based in Canada and I can certainly try and ask around about organisations that support you.
Thank you, Natalie, for completely “getting” the reality of being an adult with AS. If there are resources you know of, internationally, I would be interested. (What is your friend’s book called? I am interested in that too.)
I think Aspergers makes some people (me!) EU, so we attract the worst of the EU men, creating a situation that just sucks all round.
This brought tears to my eyes: “These energy vampires prey on a very real need for you to be nurtured and for you not to be going through life on your own. We are not an island. We need quality interpersonal relationships and we need support.”
Trading sex/sexuality for whatever crumbs of “support” these men provide is definitely failing to provide anything of substance. Social media also provides the most hollow, unrewarding interactions, never any real friendships or relationships, when one is isolated and starving. I will continue to seek better options in life, keep coming back to BR & seeing hospital therapist, & try to find supports that allow for more dignity in daily living. WhenI lose my looks, the day for immediate survival skills without resorting to EU men/sexual trading to get by, will have arrived…
You hit the nail right on the head! Regardless of rship status or how hard things became, I always had my own income and retained my farm so regardless of how much s$&@ hits the fan, I’ll never be homeless. I’ve always maintained a separate savings and retirement and credit cards so no one can leave me broke. I tell my students don’t even THINK about doing the family thing til you’ve earned your degree and are well established career-wise.
Couldn’t agree with you more Noquay! There is an incredible feeling of being untouchable when you’re self-sufficient and I also preach this to my nephews and god-children. I suspect this also plays to my deep mistrust of people (especially men), because I’ve been let down so many times in the past by people who swore they loved me and would take care of me… Now I do the self-loving and self-care, and it feels dope! I’m in charge of the show – not some man!
Lost, did you happen to find the #ActuallyAutistic community on Twitter? I was also diagnosed with autism and even though I don’t have many friends in real life they’ve been a real help. Sometimes just knowing there are people who think like you works too.
Other than that, financial independence is so important if you can manage it 🙂
Thank you Robin. I am actually on a “social media diet” for the reasons Nat suggested above, and looking to improve “real life” for myself now, instead of getting my feelings hurt, looking for signs of MM, subtweeting MM, and that short of thing on Twitter again.
The funny thing about an “autistic community” is how little the members have in common, based on outings and events I’ve attended with local autism centre. I suspect that finding “my people”, & not chasing the MM & feeling rejected & terrible, will not involve social media or looking to the autism community for “my people”.
I would rather be alone 100% than engaged in more people-pleasing, fake behaviour to try to “be liked” (or get “likes” on social media). Not that you said this was a good idea, of course–it’s just that I’m still at that point of childlike fakery for survival impulses around people: “Please don’t reject me! I’ll do anything, be anything, you like, if you will throw me some crumbs!” Solitude hurts, but involves honesty & reality for me; being with others means hiding a horrid past (child abuse, survival sex work, stuck with old man for roof over my head, hiding autism, being misdiagnosed and hospitalized and medicated for other mental illnesses, no friends, involvement with the MM…) I am so ashamed of all this. So BR is a wonderful, real, private place to learn & try to wake up, away from the judgement of “real life” and “social media life” alike.
Love this Nat! The thing that vexes me the most about social media is how nosy and intrusive some people can be and how annoying it is to have to remind myself that these people aren’t entitled to answers to their endless personal questions. When I started dating my now-fiancé, I didn’t post any pictures of him until I was sure it was going somewhere. He doesn’t use it himself for professional privacy reasons, so it was a no-brainer. Believe it or not, I actually had my hair stylis texting me asking to see pictures and wondering why I didn’t post any. It was bizarre. Did she think he didn’t exist or I wasn’t into him because I didn’t plaster everyone’s feed with endless couple selfies and wax poetic on Instagram? I really think some people have a very hard time separating social media from reality, because they actually are living their whole lives on there. It’s crazy that we’re at a point that so many people don’t value their privacy or think their worth is determined by how much attention they get on an app!
As an American of Middle Eastern/European descent, I have been devastated by the hatred and ignorance I’ve seen in my Facebook newsfeed this past year in particular. I’m so disappointed in “friends” and even (white, American) relatives who buy into the fear mongering and racist stereotypes. I’m also afraid for people I love – my Middle Eastern family members and friends both here in the U.S. and in their home countries.
When I listened to this earlier today, I was thinking about how I actually *feel* when I’m on Facebook. Most of what I do is scroll through the newsfeed reading stories and responding to posts. I was realizing that doing that makes me feel a lot of negative emotions – and ultimately leaves me feeling pretty stressed out and frankly despressed. I think I can continue to try and make a positive difference in the world and combat harmful stereotypes without spending 2-3 hours a day doing that to myself. I’m going to try the “diet” starting this weekend – thanks for the push!
Another weird thing about social media is that people judge you even when you don’t say anything. I saw a friend last month who told me she was “sorry” that I hadn’t gone anywhere this summer. I was surprised and said I had been to x, y, z place – we’ve been doing lots of vacation-ey things. She said that because she hadn’t seen any posts on Facebook, she assumed I was home doing nothing! And this has actually happened to me before.
So, yeah… I think we should be more aware of how we use social media – and use it more intentionally, rather than let it use us.
Sarah
You bring up a very important point; how we use this thing. A good many current and potential employers, including mine, a college, monitor your social media postings. Never post about hating your job, your community, anything construed as “radical” or that you’re dissatisfied with life. You really don’t have freedom of expression on many on line venues.
So true
And what do I see at the bottom of this article? Icons upon Icons to share it on Social Media. Ironic?
This is a perfectly timed post for me
I decided to cut down my FB use and I’m amazed at how a) I’m not actually missing out on much b) I’m getting more things done – I’ve got a pile of books I’m getting through and I’m learning a new language whilst brushing up on three others simultaneously.
A couple of years ago I did the Marie Kondo method for decluttering and it changed my life, but what I didn’t realise was how I was still allowing social media to do it; FB for me was just additional noise that I didn’t need.
In the wake of Brexit/Trump etc I’m finding the dialogue far more aggressive and unpleasant, and to wean down and come away was one of the best things I could do for my brain
I have cut my fb right down too and feel all the better for it. The MM AC that’s been messing with my brain for over 2 years had managed to get me to add him as a friend after I had de-friended. It makes me so uncomfortable to have him there and after lots of postings of myself having so much fun (!), looking attractive, being the life and soul of a party, etc etc, all for his benefit, I have given up trying to convince the whole world and I’m going to have a try at convincing myself 🙂 its very liberating
This is a question for a friend who keep abreast with social media and participate in it from a distance in a elitist way. Like you’re in it just to keep tabs on how everyone else is less than you. i want to say this to her is it too strong?
I just feel out of tune with you
This is why the Daniel thing bothered me so much when you just let it blow over like nothing happened.
It’s annoying that u have this us versus them spiritual elitism and call out people who are fake spiritual but you won’t even try to have an actual spiritual moment of finding the courage to confront your friend who just disrespected you. I know it’s not my life or friend so I didn’t say anything when it happened but I realized this is why it bothered me so much because I cant lie I do feel this way– maybe I’m wrong–but I do feel like you think your special because your so well informed and on the “correct” and “real” side of spirituality. Lately it feels like every little thing that other people do bothers you.
Too strong?
Definitely too strong. It’s just not our place to call people out for things when those things have nothing to do with us. If your friend disrespects you directly then you can say ‘when you did or said x, I felt y’. But we can’t change people. So even if you have a direct personal grievance and tell someone, you can’t keep at it or tell them how bad their personality is etc. you can only tell them how something they did affected you. You just tell them and if their behavior isn’t acceptable to you, you step away from them. If she is so fake you shouldn’t be around her.
I would instead suggest asking yourself – why am I so angry at this person and why do I want to create drama with this person.
Hi Natalie
Thanks for mentioning ManageFlitter on your Podcast – we appreciate it and we are happy that you find it useful.
Regards,
Kevin – CEO
http://twitter.com/ke_ga
I opted out of Facebook in March this year after my last ‘relationship’ imploded and I found myself sleeping on a cot bed in my aunt’s spare room with a broken hand (his doing) and a crushed heart. I also found out that my so-called best friend had been telling others personal information about me and when I confronted her about it, she then proceeded to accuse me of doing the same to her (not the case). In just a month after what was an incredible 33rd birthday in Norway, my entire life started to unravel before me – no man, no home, no bestie and no future. Facebook provided me with very little comfort at the time. There’s only so many engagement/wedding/pregnancy posts that one can stand before one starts to feel like a loser. Instead of feeling happy for other people, I just felt bitter, jealous, angry, unwanted and alone. In comparing myself to people on Facebook, I was always gonna come off looking the most pathetic! I felt like I had nothing of value to contribute seeing as all my FB friends had advanced a level or two by becoming wives and mothers, yet here I was struggling just to keep a man/relationship going for a measly 6 months! A man who I had conveniently convinced myself was the one who would finally allow me to change my status from ‘single’ to ‘In a relationship…’ on Facebook. A man who would be my first official bonafide boyfriend. A man who would be the first one to take a romantic holiday with me. A man who I would finally get to say I live with. A man I could make future plans with (I am broody and he wanted babies too so that was ideal for me). There were so many milestones wrapped up in my ex, that in my apparent glee, I overlooked some very serious emotional issues that he exhibited, until I eventually found out he had an ex wife and two kids living in Paris that he’d lied to me about from day 1.
I couldn’t feel any worse about myself than I did at the time, and beating myself up for not having the picture-perfect Facebook life was doing nothing to help me, so I removed the app from my phone, took 6-7 weeks off work for my hand/stress/depression, and started therapy. I’m not entirely healed/whole again, but I’m getting there. And I know that I don’t need Facebook in my life.
This is powerful.
This is Quite amazing
This is great. I have struggled for years with social media addiction. I remember it starting in 2011, when i got a smart phone. I was overwhelmed by the notifications right off the bat. I thought…is this how I’m going to live my life for now on?! Being notified of likes, pokes, beeps and boops on a mobile phone?! A few years later I just deleted FB from my phone entirely, and realized how little I will use my phone when there’s no social media apps on it- ha. There just isn’t much to look at. The stuff is toxic and addictive.
some people can just turn off notifications and manage their FB addiction, but that never worked for me. i just deleted my account and it feels a lot better. I guess we have to find what works for us. We’re in uncharted territory, with all this social media noise. It can be overwhelming.