A very real concern that we have once the honeymoon phase begins to fade, or we abruptly come face to face with real life and normality where we discover that the our partner isn’t ‘perfect’ or that we have to learn how to communicate, be vulnerable and deal with life’s inevitables (conflict, criticism, disappointment and receiving no), is worry about whether this person will be able to do things how we need, want, and expect. We might also fear that they might expect us to do things ‘their way’.
We might wonder, What if I have to be vulnerable by being open to allowing this person to get to know me (and me them) and, in essence, showing up in this relationship?
This all feels a bit too risky.
It feels like unknown territory and, on some level, we fear if we don’t ‘manage’ things we will open ourselves up to being someone or doing something that reminds us of a painful part of our past that we don’t want to go back to. If we are very reliant on being in control, even if it’s pseudo control, we will enter into what boils down to a power struggle where it becomes about one of us conceding to the other.
We know that not only do we not want to go ‘back there’ but that we’re afraid of stepping outside of our comfort zone by engaging with the person from a place of vulnerability and building a relationship. Compromise? Pah! What if I compromise and they’re screwing me over or they screw me over at another point?
The funny thing is that we try to act all cool in the honeymoon period. Once things start getting real, though, which we might interpret through feeling afraid of normality or things developing, we start to clamp down and dig our heels in. I know I’ve been all nice and non-confrontational. You do know, though, that you need to do things how I expect (even though I might not directly express it) because this is how I feel safe and validated, right?
What if ‘their way’, i.e. outside of our comfort zone, rules and predictions, hurts us?
We need to acknowledge when we get into a fight for supremacy that that’s not a relationship; it’s all ego. We’re fighting for that person to have our needs met while at the same time being resistant to doing things ‘their way’. If we are entirely honest with ourselves, we see ‘their way’, whether accurate or not, as a reflection of the behaviour of someone from our past. Often, it’s a parent/caregiver, or a sibling, bully, or someone else who did not meet our needs. Our perception of ‘their way’ might be based on conscious or subconscious recognition that we are engaging with our ‘type’ and/or that we are recreating a pattern of a situation in attempt to be right this time.
We want to right the wrongs of the past.
If we can ‘make’ this person do what we want, we think that we can correct the past. We imagine doing so will close the void of those unmet needs and all of that critical narrative we’ve bludgeoned ourselves with. The more they passive aggressively or aggressively push for ‘their way’ and the more that we go in our own mode of people pleasing, passive aggression or even aggression to swing things ‘our way’, the more afraid we feel.
Their actions as well as our feelings, thoughts and actions, are familiar to us. The familiarity reinforces the idea that we’re going back to a painful place, a place, incidentally, we’ve vowed we were not going to with the promise that we would never do things ‘their way’ again. Yet here we are. The old feelings are back.
Depending on what our typical mode is and, on Baggage Reclaim, we tend to opt for the, Let me please you in one million and one ways in an attempt to influence or even control your feelings and behaviour so that I can feel better about continuing with you mode, we hope that by accepting less than what we deserve that we’ll activate their conscience. We hope they’ll feel guilty and, yes, even obliged to reciprocate and ‘pay us back’. We keep battling with our pleasing, erupting periodically, then back to pleasing. And then we wonder when we’ll finally be rewarded for our ‘nice’ and ‘good’ deeds.
Here’s the extra big kicker about power struggles though:
We make the mistake of thinking that we are the ‘loser’ and that they are the ‘winner’. In a power struggle, though, both parties lose.
It’s a relationship, not Armageddon. Unless two people are going to work together as team and accept each other in their humanness, it’s a power struggle that guarantees pain and stunts vulnerability and growth. Team Relationship finds healthy compromises. Team Power Struggle tries to clobber each other, takes what they each want at the other party’s expense, and treats each other as a means to an end (give me self-worth, meet my needs, do as I want or else),
Ironically, each person trying to ‘get’ what they want and feeling that if they don’t, that they’ll go ‘back there’ again (somewhere they were hurt, out of control, powerless, or under threat, etc) results in saddling each party with negative associations.
If we do what they want, we become less attractive to us, no doubt berating us with our usual narrative. However, we also become less attractive to them in some sort of twisted self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s like, Oh…. I see… you’re doing exactly what I’ve passive aggressively or aggressively clobbered you into. You’ve done what I wanted/demanded. Hmmm… yeah… I’ve lost respect for you…
They mistakenly think they can do things on their terms and that it’ll all be hunky dory. Instead, they’re left with ambivalence and in the worst of cases, contempt, so they lose the relationship too.
It’s a vicious cycle.
They feel angry about our no longer being as attractive and grapple with unpleasant feelings that they push down and possibly project on to us. For instance, If only they’d [done as I wanted or lived up to the dream], I wouldn’t be feeling this way]. At the same time, they neglect to remember that part of why we’ve become unattractive stems from their direct actions toward us. Ack!
And then, just to add another dimension to the mess, they (obviously only if capable of doing so), feel guilty for creating that situation and try to engage to relieve some of these feelings and at the same time, we try to use our pleasing ways to regain our composure and position, to make things right and get validated, which only creates more pain and frustration for us and induces guilt (in them), which brings up feelings of obligation, which reminds them about not going ‘back there’, which sets off the whole acting out and no doubt backtracking on any promises and professed intentions, and round and round we go.
We also lose faith and build even bigger walls to protect us from the pain. We feel unworthy and wonder why we can never ‘make’ people and situations that remind of us ‘back then’ go our way. What’s wrong with me? Why did they replace me? Why is this happening again?
We worry that it’s always going to be this way and insist we’re ‘not good enough’. Then we use the experience to reconfirm our underlying beliefs and our self-fulfilling prophecy.
We cannot build our relationships on inferiority and superiority. Our relationships can’t be about ‘getting’.
In a power struggle, who is really winning?
We have to decide if we want do battle or enjoy being in a relationship. It can’t be about obliging or forcing each other into doing what we want.
Whoever we’re in a relationship with (or battling with), they don’t have the sole purpose of meeting our needs (or us theirs). They’re not going to fix or heal us. They’re also not going to fill the role of a parent/caregiver who didn’t meet our needs, and nor should we be tasking ourselves with doing this for them. It puts the kibosh on a mutually fulfilling loving relationship.
We have to decide if we want to do battle or whether we want to enjoy being in a relationship. These attitudes and choices ar mutually exclusive. If we want to be open to compromise but they don’t, then we know that copiloting and growth isn’t possible. We know they’re entrenched in getting ‘their way’ and not open to sharing love. Instead of our continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results in a lose:lose situation, we learn to take care of ourselves. We exit the battle.
Your thoughts?
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So what exactly does that mean if you can’t come to some common ground? Is it worth fifty percent of your needs getting met to be in a relationship for the sake of this relationship is better than no relationship? If you are in a mutual relationship of love, care, trust, represent with the landmarks of consistency, intimacy, progression, and you are both grounded in compatible core values and beliefs, why would this even be an issue? Would it not be the couple is acting like a couple of asses and they need to get over themselves? Let go and let God. Give the logical center of your brain to catch up with the emotional center? Your thoughts like to know.
So would a good indication of this be a fear of even asking questions in the first place? Like, I want to understand, I want to communicate, but then I get shut down for asking ‘why did this happen’ or communicating that ‘I don’t understand’ or maybe just having some kind of expectation defined by the very nature of the relationship in the first place that ends up being in itself a power struggle because it starts to feel off…So these would be like indications of a power struggle?
There’s just human decency too isn’t there regardless of defined needs or wants.
Would this apply to relationships like work, school or church? If I keep feeling that I don’t understand something, and then am told it’s fine to ask, and then am ignored, or left out…then what is that? Is it wrong to expect things, or have specific needs in this type of relationship, or is this feeling of ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ the real beginning of a non relationship…it is actually just a power struggle, and there for someone else or yourself (in your own mind)..
What I am trying to understand is, ( because I have never been in a legitimate ” team work ” relationship) if you are mutually united with reciprocity and equitability couldn’t common ground be established and negotiated? If not then you opt out?
But you don’t enter into a relationship with the sole purpose of getting only your needs met–not fifty, or one hundred percent. The person isn’t there to fix you, or you them. The team work thing is just being mutually respectful & (depending on the context of relationship), not for fulfilling needs from past experiences…or past hurts. I guess a lot of it depends on the context of the relationship-friendship, church member, employee, etc..or ‘committed’ partner, or spouse.
I think you are wrong. Relationships are about people meeting each others needs and wants. Maybe not all of them but some of them, absolutely! What is the point of a relationship if you are not getting anything positive from it? If you don’t have someone to lean on or encourage you and support you and help you? That’s what partnerships are for. Partners have sex with each other and build lives with each other and have children whom also have needs that need to be met. A fulfilling relationship is one where each party fulfills the others needs, give and take. Otherwise, you’re in a relationship that lacks intimacy and closeness.
I meant that one shouldn’t get into a relationship with high expectations regarding felt, or real needs being met. Like, don’t get involved with anyone thinking ‘hey this —– will fulfill all of my needs/wants.’ That’s what I meant.
I don’t think I’m right or wrong, just trying to work through my own mixed up perceptions, unmet desires, or level of neediness.
I think the context is key, and the level of expectation, or perceived mutual respect is something I tend to get mixed up with–depending on what kind of relationship I am in.
One should be able to meet one’s own needs independent of anyone else-doesn’t matter what the relationship is either–as it could be within a community (like a church, or mental health agency, or even an online community) or it could be within a work relationship.
I am talking about adults here and not children-children can’t meet their own needs without help from so called adults.
Wow- this is one of the most valuable postings I’ve ever read (and there have been so many great ones from Natalie)! What a great way to start off 2016. Thank you Natalie!
Timely and super helpful post – going through the experience right now! Just starting to realize what a great self learning opp to stop and question the accuracy of feeling threatened. Also had to rethink the power loss thing (big personal issue) Not sure about horoscopes but lets just say the Aries profile (mine) pretty much says it all! Its starting to gel that I am NOT giving up power if Im not actively protecting/defending myself all the time from what’s perceived as potential relationship power moves. The more self trusting and secure I become in my personhood, the open Im becoming to do things differently. And heck, if I realize that I’ve begun to get into the over accommodating danger zone, there’s no need for me to freak out about it. There’s the ability to say, “hang on, I’m getting concerned here”. If my concern isn’t acknowledged, there’s the ability to choose whether its best to continue or not. Still haven’t quite got the hang of it, but finding its getting less hard the more I practice 🙂
I guess I am really growing because in reading all this my head is spinning and I’m thinking wtf??? Pizza and a movie, a glass of wine at the bar and chatting, cooking dinner together — all very easy things to do. If a guy isn’t will to even ‘talk’ over pizza or a glass of wine then he has serious communication issues and nothing nothing nothing you can do will change that. So why give so much up of yourself? Great sex is easy. Anyone can shag well after a couple of times. If he just wants to shag let him hire a hooker. I am so over these cowardly men who never want to look at themselves. good riddance!
Actually, I think great sex requires a lot of communication. If two people aren’t communicating, or only half-heartedly communicating, the sex can be mediocre no matter how technically skilled a person may be because two people can come to the table with such different tastes, preferences, and past experiences.
I wouldn’t wish these guys on hookers either.
This is hard for me to read. I just left a man who I adored because he triggered my serious fears from my 20 year marriage when he repeatedly ignored text messages and wouldn’t pick up the phone. What was real and what was fear from the past? I had serious fears of asking this man anything, as my ex-husband would label me ‘selfish’ for any need or desire I wanted (including wanting to spend a weekend alone with him in ten years!). I felt that this new relationship became a power struggle for me as in the beginning I didn’t let it worry me when he didn’t reply but as time went on and we became more serious, I started expecting reciprocity to my messaging. No, I wasn’t over the top with expecting replies and I know this man lives, eat and breathes with his phone and would answer others. So was this a power struggle, my past fears being triggered or just straight up disrespect from him? In the end he ‘won’ – I jettisoned the whole thing because my reactions were going to become overblown if the same thing kept happening. There were so many good points about this man but this one sticking point was going to ruin the whole thing for me. After a year and practically living together, I expected to be kept in the loop because that is what I did for him. His lack of letting me know what was going on day to day was becoming untenable for me. And the fear of asking him was making is almost impossible for me to find out! I’ve lost what could have been a great relationship due to my reactive dumping and YES, I definitely was the ‘easy going’ girlfriend during the honeymoon phase but when practically living together and needing to co-ordinate things I expected to be kept in the loop. Also, knowing that texting him on a Sunday morning would elicit a response to anybody else (his mates), after him going MIA only two weeks before and me telling him how it worried me blah blah blah, I just felt this was one power struggle I had to let go of. My fears from the past made this a hot button for me and I’m confused whether I let this go to early without trying harder to fix it.. Too late now anyway. Just have to go through the heart break and heal this time around.
Bronze, my two cents…if you were with this man for a year and practically living together, his lack of communication with you is the best reason to move on. He’s obviously not emotionally available to you. Yes, we do bring our fears into relationships (from the past), so let your lessons from the past help you now. This current man doesn’t warrant your effort or your worry. Go No Contact with him and move on, taking very good care of yourself in the process of sticking with your healthier boundaries. We don’t need men in our lives who (after a year especially) refuse to make us a part of their daily lives. He obviously has some other agenda going on that doesn’t include you. Get out now, heal and be healthier. You did nothing wrong. You want a mature, loving relationship where you feel valued and important. That didn’t happen with this man. Take good care.
Bronze, i was in the same exact situation, and stuck it out anyway, only to have him treat me worse and worse the second year. You were seeing the beginning of worse to come. And if you lower yourself and show neediness he will treat you worse for it. If you keep your mouth shut, suffering in silence is STILL SUFFERING! You are now just missing what you wish it was, but actually wasn’t. You’ve come too far to settle for crumbs, and he will probably try to come back around, and its going to tempt you, but i learned that going back because i miss him always bites me in the ass. A good man won’t even do that stuff to begin with.
Nat, this describes what i am going through with my partner, the honeymoon phase is over, his true self is starting to show, and its not pretty. when ever there is “discussion” he gets really loud and aggressive , he talks over me. this has been going on for over a year now, and i feel “it is time to take care of myself and exit the battle”. but i feel so conflicted because i still love him, at the same time i cant stand his attitude because he can be so rude , unkind and make me feel small confused and weak especially when we are with his “friends”.
Wonderful analysis of power struggles, I must admit I’m totally won over by Natalie! If her letter doesn’t hit you over the head to wake you up, I don’t know what will. In passing this way, I’d like to mention… please everyone if you suspect or feel the relationship is only a one way street, get out early!!
I stayed too long in relationships trying to make them work. Don’t waste your life, someone else is waiting for you. Blessings to all, have a great 2016!
Cat
Hi Bronze, I have had a similar issue regarding response to my texts or texting after we had seen each other the night before. At one stage I asked why he hasn’t responded to my text and he said he had a lot on (discussions with wife re separation but did not tell me anything about it) but then immediately responded.
I have looked back thru messages to see if I was getting the wrong idea with this new man due to my ex who would go MIA and turn phone off.
I think it was more or less even as in messaging but the general feeling I was getting is he was not as into the relationship as me and it was simply doing my head in so I had to opt out. It was sad – I think I was kind of trying to control too much too early but if it wasn’t making me feel positive I think it was better to get out early. I’ll get over it he wasn’t that special
Happy new year!!
This article sums up a relationship I had to end. It finally dawned on me that he was in a total power struggle with me and I didn’t even realize it. Whenever I would tell him that something he did bothered me or how much I would appreciate if he did “this” or “that” for me. His response was always negative like he didn’t want to do whatever I suggested. It would be simple things like make plans to do fun stuff with me or tell me that he cared about me. I realize that it was mostly because he didn’t want to feel like I was controlling him, and even if it meant that it would make me happy, everything was about it being his decision, not mine.
I learned later that this was because of his past. Dealing with women who used him and took his kindness for blindness and never giving him what he wanted in return. So when he finally met me, he didn’t know how to accept the fact that I was nothing like that.
He wanted to decide when and what to do to make me happy. And anytime I wasn’t happy, he’d somehow make me feel like I was ungrateful. I would tell him what he could do to make me happier (i.e. I love movies so I’d be happy if you took me to the movies) and he always refused or made up an excuse that he couldn’t do it, basically he told me that he wanted me to be happy with what he wanted to do and not with what I wanted to do.
Nothing could ever be about me, ever! But I would always compromise for him and I did whatever he wanted. I always made an effort to give him things that would make him happy and he even admitted that I was wonderful at that but he would never ever bend the same way for me. I think this was mostly due to fear of losing control and losing himself for the wrong woman again. He was an extremely selfish man but I can tell that he wasn’t always like that. He invalidated my feelings all the time and only feelings he agreed with mattered.
In retrospect, I realize that he is fighting some other internal battles that had nothing to do with me. I never wanted to control him, I just wanted him to acknowledge that I was my own person. That he needed to learn about me in order to love me. One time, my back was hurting and I asked if he could give me a massage. He then said, “What about me? I want one too! You’re not the only one with a sore back” and I would always respond by saying, “Of course I’d do that for you babe!” But then all of the sudden, I’d be doing for him what I wanted him to do for me but he’d “forget” to return the favor. And if I brought it up, he’d say that I was causing problems.
It’s sad because I bet he used to be a great guy. It’s sad to know that he can’t trust anyone and has such deeply-rooted control issues and emotional neglect/abuse issues. I didn’t deserve that and neither did he from whoever made him that way.
If there’s anything I’ve noticed about the assclown type of guy, it is that there is always a sob story about a previous girlfriend or wife whom he treated like a queen but they crapped all over him. Every. Time. You know, I’ve had guys treat me like crap but that doesn’t make me want to treat future men like crap. I keep going into each new thing all excited and optimistic. I know that no two people are exactly alike but I can’t believe I am the only person who feels this way. So one of two things is going on with an assclown: either he’s lying about having been mistreated, or he lets the fact of his mistreatment pull him down and make him small and mean, and either way he is no good as a potential partner.
At most I would expect a guy with a history of having been hurt to be cautious with future assignations. Cool beans, I can understand that. But there’s a difference between “cautious” and “well I got hurt in the past so I get to be the douchebag now”. Huge difference.
Natalie,
Thank you for this post. I keep kicking myself in the a$$, thinking that if I just hung in there a bit longer, things could be different…but like you said, there is no possibility of growth when the other person is unwilling tthe compromise or even give a little. For those types of people, it’s all about the control to keep them in their comfort zones.
I doubt they are aware they are even doing it. You can’t get a relationship like this back on even footing without manipulating them back and two wrongs don’t make a right…time to two-step your way on outta there.
I’ve read many posts similar to this, ie it’s dangerous to expect someone to be your caregiver, meet all your needs, relationships should be about growth and not power struggles. So we know what NOT to do, but what are the actual steps to getting to a healthy place? There are always vague references, like compromise and such, but I am at a loss on how to actively break those cycles.