Sasha asks: I have been involved for 4 years with a Mr Unavailable. Recently, I decided to end this relationship because he moved in with another woman he had an on/off relationship with.
He told me he didn’t understand why I couldn’t accept that he wanted to be with both of us. He told the woman he lives with the we are “friends” but that we have been involved in the past, and has even suggested that she and I be friends. This person does not even have custody of her 2 children and seems to have sacrificed everything in her life for him. He has done a multitude of other shitty things to me, so finally I told him we could no longer continue with our “relationship”. He was not the least bit upset.
It bothers me for some reason that he didn’t care. I am having a hard time letting go and sticking with the NCR. I text messaged him today, and he proceeded to ask me about the current person I am dating. I feel like a complete jackass for even keeping him in my life this long. I should have know better when he suggested I get pregnant so he would have to be in my life for the next 18 years. Any insight would help!
NML says: For a start, don’t feel like a jackass, tempting as that may be. We all make mistakes and women in particular find it very easy to see a best side to many because we’re more emotional and inclined to be compassionate.
You are bothered about the fact that he doesn’t care because you do care and it hurts to feel rejected. This is normal, however, your focus has to be on seeing this idiot for what he is – a selfish, inconsiderate, immoral man who has no respect for you, your feelings, or for the other woman who he is involved with.
She may be prepared to be with him on these terms – that’s not your problem.
He is offering you nothing and the fact that he offers you an arrangement like this shows how little regard he has for you because only someone who believes that you don’t think enough of yourself to say no, would pose this arrangement to you.
It is time to catch him off guard and show that you are not so down on yourself that you’d continue to be involved with the likes of him.
You have to ask yourself why you don’t want to let go because you have all of the evidence, are dating someone else, yet you want to hold onto this abysmally poor relationship with this guy. He has told you which way the land lies so going back is like saying, ‘I am happy with this. I don’t care about myself. I want to cause myself more pain’.
If anything, you should be thinking about how you got here in the first place so that you don’t find yourself there again. You should be asking yourself why you want to be with a man who treats you in this way because how he treats you is reflective of what you feel about yourself. The pregnancy comment shows what an insipid, irresponsible person he is and be thankful that you don’t have that tie with him and keep it this way.
He isn’t capable of caring – considering you know what his character is and what he is capable of, why are you surprised at how awful he is? This is your time to opt out and do hard time by cold turkeying. The other woman doesn’t matter – don’t focus on her as a way to distract from the real issue – the fact that he’s an assclown and you want to be with him/don’t want to let go. Get to the heart of why you don’t like or love yourself enough to recognise how unhealthy and inappropriate this is and you will be able to move forward.
On another note, this whole ‘rejection’ mallarky needs to be turned on its head as being ‘rejected’ by an assclown is used by many a woman as a reason to wallow.
What you need to realise is that the only way it could work on his terms is if you ‘accept’ his behaviour, which obviously can’t happen because it is not what you want, so actually, you’re rejecting him.
If being involved with a man means that you need to reject yourself, your boundaries, and your values, quite frankly, this ship can’t sail. You may try to sail, but you’re going to emotionally capsize.
If you’re busy wallowing in rejecting, and trust me, it is wallowing, you’re looking at things from a self-blame angle. The main cause of self-blame is obsessing because you’re obsessing about the how’s, why’s, when’s, and where’s but only looking at it from the perspective where you get to dislike yourself and remove his accountability.
Self-blame, obsessing, and wallowing is about failure to let go and begin the process of moving on. Whilst some of this is normal initially, if you continue this on an extended basis, it suggests that you don’t really want to be accountable for your own relationship experience and move forward.
Some people find it easier to be miserable because it’s familiar. Being miserable means you don’t have to do anything and yet you’d be surprised how focusing on you and treating yourself positively can make a huge difference.
Just because you know he’s an assclown doesn’t mean that you automatically shut off the feelings that you have. However, and it is a big, however, it is focusing on the knowledge that you know he’s an assclown and that you got out that pushes you to move forward.
If you want to ensure that you wallow, don’t move on, and create more pain for yourself, kick yourself whilst you’re already down, obsess about him, and try to analyse the woman he’s with. At some point though, you have to ask why you’re doing it to yourself because it’s not him inflicting the pain…it’s you. He’s already in another relationship because that’s what self-obsessed, no good, jackass, bozo, assclowns do.
It’s like mourning the loss of trash/rubbish – it’s no good for you, you know you don’t need it or want it, and it’s better out of your emotional house. Now you’re hankering for the assclown truck to return him to you and make everything hunky dory. If the trash comes back…it is still trash….
Cut contact and cold turkey it. The self-blame haze will pass if you focus on seeing him in a real light and commit to doing better by yourself.