“My No Contact actually began by HIM cutting off contact with me…. completely! The relationship ended over a heated argument/situation. I panicked, called incessantly, text messaged etc, and he stopped replying or never replied at all.
I then came to my senses and stopped the madness!
Now I am thankful that he cut off all contact because he did me a favour – I’m grateful for it!
I stopped the madness and just cut off all contact. It’s been nearly 3 weeks and I feel very proud of myself. No phone calls, or texts. I feel empowered to move on. I do have urges, but I just think of how bad he talked to me and treated me.
He reduced me from a vibrant, beautiful, intelligent, woman, to becoming a woman with low self-esteem. I had to remember who I was and how much I enjoyed loving life, WITH HIM NOT IN IT!!!
It’s hard, and yes I do wonder if he even notices that I quit contacting him. But he is so self absorbed, I doubt it. And I know things will get better with each passing day that I don’t contact him.
I’ve moved on and know I’m all the better for it. It’s nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same issues. Ladies, have faith! Don’t let any man reduce you to feeling like you are nothing.
It’s hard when you just want someone to love. However we can do soooo much better! God is good and he will take care of us and all you can do is pray for the EUM (Mr Unavailable).
Somewhere in their lives they did not receive the love and nurturing they needed to function as loving adults. Just know that you can’t fix this no matter how hard you try! It’s not our fault. It’s not YOU; it’s THEM. Move on and God bless!”
NML says: Dee, you are living proof that you can intervene on the madness and change the programme.
What you have shown is that even if he is the one to cut off the contact, you can take control of the situation, own it, and regain your power – you don’t need these spineless men!
Your initial panicked behaviour will only have served to massage his ego and he will have felt like he had the upper hand. By the time his ego finally recognises that it’s not getting a stroking from you and that it won’t be anytime soon, you will be happily living your life.
3 weeks in is when smokers normally lose the urge for the cigarette after giving up smoking, and you are coming into the home straight now. Focus on how you feel and the positives – when you recognise that your life is better and that you feel better as a person when he’s not in your life, it is a sign that you are right to ditch him and to stay away from him.
Often when these men cut us off, it’s their own twisted way of teaching us a lesson. It’s like we’ll think twice about arguing or challenging them, or effectively throwing our proverbial toys out of the pram. It’s about control and they don’t like feeling like we are not falling in line with their plan or making things too uncomfortable for them.
He dictates the pace and he has a certain level (The Status Quo) that he is comfortable with. Act like you two are the most amazing, committed couple on earth and he’ll find a reason to create trouble to bring things to more comfortable level. Take things down a step too far by having the balls to call him on his behaviour and he’ll ditch you to rebalance things.
Stick to your no contact and remember that the key to moving forward is to stop caring whether he’s thinking of you and to stop worrying about whether he’ll get in touch. But you know what, the more you get on with your life and feel good about you, the less you care!
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Great post and brutally honest… it’s so hard to cut the contact and regain control and I think what most of us struggle with is how long it will take to gain the control back.. as I’m sure Dee felt when she was in panic mode texting and calling, you feel as if you are so low, you dont’ know what to do.. I remember when i finally gave into the texts after 3 weeks and nothing changed. I was so mad at myself for doing it, breaking contact, and i felt lost knowing that I fed his ego again and it wuold take another 3 weeks to get my self-esteem back.. but 3 weeks came soon enough.. i cannot stress enough how NC is important and keeping it keeps you strong, in control, and allows you to move on… Good for you Dee… you said, “guess what i’m done, i’m not chasing you”.. As much as I think i loved my EUM, i’ll never forget the conversation with him when I told him the relationship was making me insecure and coming across as needy.. I knew it was the beginning of the end at that point.. i walked on eggshells and did not feel like myself… THERE IS A REASON THESE RELATIONSHIPS END..
Excellent post! Why do we insist on trying to appeal to the EUM’s heart and mind, when it’s clearly elsewhere? (you can guess where that is!) I always see a breakup as a lucky escape, because feeling bad without him won’t last forever. But limping on in an infernal push me/pull you situation feels like an eternity. Every time you think of how much a douchebag he was, you’re reminding yourself why you’re better off.
I’m glad Dee shared her story.
Your timing could not have been more perfect for me. I was just feeling sorry for myself today that he had not contacted me – i was wondering what he was thinking and worried that he would never get back in touch. It has been 9 days of NC for me. My EUM did just like you said, things were GREAT between us and he started having issues then I screwed it all up and asked him if he still found me attractive (his attentions were waning) – well, that did it. He dropped me like a rock. He had asked me earlier why i kept coming back to him (he’s dumped me at least 12 times in 2 years) and I said, “because I love you”. To which he didnt respond. Later on the phone I asked him why he kept coming back to ME … he said, “I guess because I was lonely and bored.” OMG! That did it for me. No more of this BS. So I’ve gone total NC and unfortunately I work with him. He now has an “attitude” towards me. Acting all angry, like I did something wrong. Uhhh, didn’t you just break up with me? Anyway, pray for me. This time I want it to stick. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.
I so admire persons who make NC. But how do you do this if there are kids involved? It is so much harder because you may call to ask about money or something related to the kids and it all keeps flooding back? But bravo to those who have done it.
It will be 2 months last 3rd June. 2 whole months of NC and I could not go through one day without him or so I thought. I can’t believe I did this and I did it because of NML, this site and you lovely ladies. I still think of him and if I had any doubts about breakin up trust me I have none now.
He writes me emails now, downright nasty, mean spiteful emails telling me how I will never find love, how all men are just playa’s even if they do not admit to it and how I will keep looking for love till I just wither up and die and all this from an assclown as NML puts it who does not know his arse from his elbow. I have not replied.
I feel stronger and I have just realised that he did me more damaged than I let on. Its not easy being called filty names and some were downright crude but no matter what I choose to read, I remember something I read that have stuck on me.
I CARRY THE CURE IN MY HEART.
While there used to be fear, confusion, pain, hurt and misery now I can choose clarity, intergrity, honesty, light and happiness. Its not easy and I have see the shadows of depression but I think sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we can surface.
And we can do anything we put our hearts into……ANYTHING LADIES…….
Dee, Congrats on starting the NC process. But I am afraid you aren’t completely past the winners line yet. The point of No Contact is not to maintain no contact. The point is to get from a bad situation to a better one.
You say there has been no contact for three weeks, which is a great accomplishment. But then you mention that you wonder if he noticed. Because the thought crossed your mind, I feel you are still in the middle of No Contact. Which means that you need to follow all the rules, be wary of surprises, and be prepared for the ex to rattle the chains. You might have to start all over again.
When you get to that better place, whether the ex notices or not won’t matter, if he crosses your mind it will be on the order of trying to remember who you worked for 10 years ago – you could probably recall the name if you think about it. But mostly you won’t.
In the mean time, keep looking for yourself, hang out with responsible, respectable, honest, disciplined people, and learn to show good values in your life.
And chocolate doesn’t hurt, once a week or so.
i am at a very devastated place right now. this just happened to me yesterday after a 3 month affair, he just said ” My head is still a little messed up. I am afraid I need a little time to sort out my head. Sorry!” i feel train wrecked and miserable. this is the lowest point i’ve had in over a year. i feel pathetic and miserable because i broke it off with him just a week before, slipped back once and then when i called to see again, thats what he said. oh god, this is really bad. i wish i was stronger, maybe i will be one day.
I just read this post and it sounds exactly what happened to me 4 wks ago when the EUM I was sleeping with for 4 yrs cursed me out like I was nothing but a lousy piece of S*** to him. Told me to stay away from him and leave him alone. It’s been 4 wks now since this all happened and haven’t heard Boo from him. I feel like he is punishing me for my behavior like I’m a child when in reality he is the one who is behaving like the child. One day he’ll realize what he did that’s when they usually contact you. When they feel that enough time has passed and you are no longer thinking about them.
These men are worthless, and they make you think they are superior and we start believing it. My EX-EUM was a master of this…he would stop contacting me for a few days to “punish” me when he was feeling too much like a couple, or if I had any needs or asked him to accompany me to an outing with friends. I would make excuses and think, “aw, he’s just afraid of commitment,” but, ladies…these men are downright MEAN, UNCARING, EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE, and only worried about themselves and like a vampire, they suck the life blood out of you and drain you of your love, kindness, and most importantly your self-esteem and self respect. When we really take the blanket of denial off ourselves, and then we can see them for the worthless scoundrels that they are. I truly believe that if they committed to us and we were with them on a daily basis, we would see even more bad behavior and they don’t want us to get to close to figure out what a horror they actually are. If these men truly had any integrity and valued themselves, they wouldn’t lie, cheat and treat us like crap. Ladies…keep working on yourself, continue with NO CONTACT.
Even though I have finally seen the light I am still struggling with thinking about everything that happened between us in the last 2 years and what he is doing, because I am only 1 week with NC. Any ideas for getting this creep out of my head???
Finally, you areright, I think if I would have seen my jerk on a daily basis it would not have lasted that long, it takes energy for them to keep up the facade.
Only time and No Contact will you get him out of your head, will take a while and make sure he doesn’t suck you back in. What is your story? Is it posted here or can you give me a recap?
I have maintained NC now for 4 wks. I feel better than I did. it will be awhile before I feel 100%. Have a question to ask out of curiosity. What are the odds of these men contacting us again even in the worst case senario ie they tell you they never want to see ever again in life, lose their number etc.. Mine wasn’t like that all he told me was to leave him alone and to stay away from him.
Debbie, no contact is for you to move on – not to see how long it will take for him to contact you. In your case, just my opinion, him saying: leave me alone and stay away, why does it not tell you that he is done?
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but maybe it would be better for you if you contact him and find out, not a good idea at all, but maybe you need to hear it again from him so that you can stop WAITING for him and move on.
Question: why do you want to hear from him so bad?
Finally,
You said it exactly with them making you think they are superior. Mine did the same crap with “punishing” me by not calling for a few days if we had a good time together towards the end. It was very hurtful. He was in control of everything. And you are so right that they show us a facade only, because the reality is, they are deeply troubled, but would never admit it to themselves.
Relationships are revealing, and they know this.
Like you, I was struggling with thoughts of him all the time since we broke up. I wish I could erase my memory of him, but know I have to face everything in the past and be at peace with myself, and then he will lose his power over my thoughts. What has helped me so far, is writing out a history of ALL of my past relationships, because I have had quite a few prior EU’s, and have been EU myself in a few. Writing it is putting things in perspective, and I can see how this last one was the same horse, different color, and he is beginning to lose his power. No contact helps for sure, but really coming to terms with patterns and past issues from younger years has been crucial in the meantime. Otherwise, I would do the knee-jerk response which I have done in the past which is to find another EU which would make me forget all about the last EU. It’s not easy, but it will be worth it. Good luck and hang in there with the no contact. It is worth it.
@debbie, he has treated you like a child for so long, as if you were incompetent to think, let alone think for yourself – *You are seeking permission to end the relationship*.
One of the things about the No Contact Rule, and moving on, is making choices and decisions because they protect you from more injury, they allow you to heal. This is a choice you make because it is good for you.
NC is harsh and discourteous to the ex. But the choice is to let them harm and manipulate you, or to protect yourself. From the outside, for your friends and family, the *right* choice is usually obvious – save yourself. Leaving won’t bother the EUM in the long run, where staying will encourage him to get worse. But leaving, the NC rule, can save the rest of your life.
The EUM won’t change. Accept that. And, I am sorry if you missed it – but the No Contact Rule is expected to be an *end* to a relationship. Refusing to talk to a partner for a day or week is so disrespectful, so crude and unkind, that it is unforgivable in a relationship. A mistake or not, there is no going back.
When you began the NC, you ended the relationship. He got the point, there is nothing there any more.
But you are still waiting for closure – for permission to let go. He won’t do that for you. You decided weeks ago that he was too unkind, to ignorant, to uncaring, to damaging to stay with. You cannot *afford* his permission to end things, because he might try to take his permission back – leaving you dangling again. And it has to be your choice.
It is simple, and one of the hardest things we ever do. You choose to let go. Many people adore their first grade teacher, but you managed to immerse yourself in summer vacation, then the second grade teacher got your attention, and all you had left was warm memories of 1st grade. You don’t have parents holding you today, or a 2nd grade teacher waiting to lead you on into the next grade.
How to go on? One way is to create an emotional barrier between then and now. A date on the calendar that you can circle and say, “On this date I got mad enough/hurt enough to leave that EUM.” One tactic is to make a list of all the hurtful and inconsiderate things he is capable of, and relieve all the anger at how he treated you. Another is to relive all the hurts, and all that you miss, and take off a day or three for sorrow and grieving at the ending. Still another approach is distraction – start a class or project that will consume your attention such as build a bookshelf or dog house, join a bridge club, take a class in blacksmithing or other art or craft class. Practice leaving the cell phone at home. Return phone calls before or after dinner, and never after 8PM.
Sitting still and thinking random thoughts and feelings is not a good way to find direction in your life. Directed thoughts, such as prayer, meditation, and counseling help a lot of people.
But the biggie right now, is that you chose to break it off, for good and sufficient reason. No matter how alone you feel, no matter how much you need to be held, he was way too damaging and hurtful to let anywhere near you. You don’t need his permission to ignore him, you don’t need closure to know what you need. And in spite of everything, you *still* need him gone, and will *always* need him gone.
Luck!
Brad, you said: NC is harsh and discourteous to the ex. Why would that be?
He doesn’t care, he gave her closure by saying: leave me alone, is that not closure? If not, please explain why it is not, maybe I am confused, maybe I don’t know what no means?
Astelle, Of course NC is rude and discourteous. Cutting off contact with someone that you have been contacting? That is shunning, is one of the most severe punishments the Amish communities exact, short of outright expulsion from the community. If you were in a relationship, passive-aggressive silent treatment, the ‘cold shoulder’, is unforgivably hurtful. Every time you do it, you risk losing your partner. And while the EUM may not notice or care, the fact that you act out in a rude manner, NC, in a calculated, planned process, means that you are being rude. Do this too many times, and acting rudely becomes a vice, a social act that hurts those around you. No Contact is serious stuff. When needed, it is effective, and the protection is worth the risk to you. I just caution debbie that pulling NC alone is enough to end a relationship, regardless of what went before. NC may not be cheating, but you withhold access to you, you are discourteous to the EUM (now ex bf),
A good man would be dissuaded by a woman who did the NC on him. He would get the point, and lose all interest and affection for her. The only guy that wouldn’t turn his back – is the EUM that NC is meant to protect against. The No Contact Rule is like the old drowning test for witches – if the ‘witch candidate’ drowned, her soul was saved, else she must be burned as a witch. If the guy doesn’t leave when you follow the No Contact Rule, you know he is a despicable EUM and you want to run away from him, anyway.
This should not be a surprise, that the No Contact Rule is the end of a relationship. NC is always described as an effective way to break contact, to break that cycle of clinging to a hurtful EUM.
The No Contact Rule is a deliberate, considered act of discourtesy, done in self defense.
Closure is an emotional state – no one can do it for you. I didn’t hear debbie’s EUIM say ‘don’t call me’, so it might have been said in a qualified way, or meant call me tomorrow at work, or been a secret code that means see me at our usual bar in 20 minutes. I don’t think so, I think he meant that he felt the relationship ended long ago, and that he wants debbie to stop harassing and stalking him. Which is probably what her call felt like to him. There may not be anything the EUM can ever say, that will feel like closure to debbie.
Debbie is hung up on him convincing her – giving his permission – that the relationship is over. And she doesn’t want to hear it, and isn’t ready, yet, to realize her power over her own life. Debbie has always been able to walk away and decide that she no longer has time for that particular goof, that she isn’t interested in anything about him, other than not letting him bother her again.
When debbie gave herself whole-heartedly to her relationship, she did as people do in most successful relationships. Now she is hurt, but not yet ready to acknowledge that it didn’t work, that she isn’t quitting or giving up, she is protecting herself from a bully. And she now has to take up the love and affection she gave, and say, “No more.”
Yes, debbie can end her affection toward the guy. But she is clinging, desperately, to the fact that she hasn’t yet decided that she should stand on her own, and make her own choice. Sometime she will find the right way to proceed, and she will wonder that it took so long or took so much convincing.
Blessed be!
Thank you so much for this site…i have had no contact since 8/15/08…and it has been /VERY hard after 2 1/2 years of going back and forth…the signs were all there that this “relationship” would not progress well but i was so DESPERATE to be in a relationship that i ignored some serious red flags. How very sad. We all deserve to be in a loving, two sided relationship. I pray for all of the people posting messages on this site. I KNOW how hard it is to let go and to finally care about yourself as much as you care about this other person.
We have only one life to live and it is to be the best that we can be and to bring out the best in others. Unfortunately, we live in a broken world that sometimes leads us astray from this goal and this purpose. Reclaim your life, learn from your mistakes, and trust me, you will make more mistakes. Life is a learning process and some of those lessons are extremely painful but yet again, some of the lessons and can be unbelievably rewarding. 🙂
Love yourself enough to give yourself the opportunity to live a healthy, loving, peaceful, rejoiceful life. And sometimes that means letting go of toxic situations/people so that are hands are free to embrace the wondrous moments that still await us.
Blessings in abundance!
Dear friends,
would be greatful if any of you could advise me…NML would be happy i you could respond…I have written about my EUM earlier.He is insensitive,rude and just dosen’t understand me.We were supposed to meet 10 days back but in the last minute he backed out citing some office work.I was really upset cos’ I hardly get to meet him.I sent him messages expressing my hurt and after a while he responded saying that he was tired of my emotional warfare and could not stand me anymore,had reached a tipping point and so on.We have had fights before…all for the same reason…I would want to meet him but he would give some excuse or the other…Two days after this I tried calling him to set things right.He did not answer my calls and when I texyed him saying that I wanted to talk to him he sent me some rude responses saying that he did not want to talk with me after all the emotional trauma that i had give him.I was really hurt but still expressed hope that things would get better.For a week I did not contact him though I hoped everyday that he would get in touch with me…Yesterday I got the shock of my life when I came to know from a common friend that my EUM was quitting his job and relocating to the neighbouring city.I was shocked taht he did not care to inform me.Something as important as this and i was kept in the dark…i could not digest it.I texted him(since he had stopped answeing my calls)saying that i had come to know of his plans and wanted to wish him luck though I hoped that he would call me and try and explain things.He coolly replied back wishing me luck too.I could not take it anymore.I sent him a message saying how angry i was that he did not care to inform me and that i did not want ti see him ever agin..he replied that it was because of my negativity that he did that…I was not on his mind anymore nad that’s why he did not tell me.I sent him another message trying to explian how hurt i was,how i could never forgive him,how i had always valued him…you know what his response was-LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE.AM REALLY FED UP OF YOU.Not to be left out,i asked him to get lost.Since then I have been feeling lost,foolish,humiliated and miserable.I seriously do not know what I have done wrong.I have only liked this man nothing else.I have always wished him well and apart from asking him for his precious time to interact with me more often I have not demanded anything.This is what I get to hear now.I want to give him a piece of my mind…but there is no way i can contact him now.I want him to realise what a grave mistake he is comitting by treating me like this…Above all I feel hurt that the one I liked so much is putting me through this…what should i do…lambast him…remain silent…apologise to him…please tell me…
Brooke, I see that you have been very hurt by this man as we all have been by our EUM’s. I totally feel your pain. All I ever wanted from my EUM was a little bit of his time and he couldn’t do that. You should not contact this man in anyway, shape or form. He has asked you to please leave him alone. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself from contacting him again. Call or text someone else, come on here and write, sit on your hands. If you contact him again you are going to regret it. The ball is in his court. If you never hear from him again count your blessings and move on and always remember that it is his loss, not yours. You deserve better. You don’t need to give him a piece of your mind. It won’t matter what you say anyway because he is not listening. Don’t feel that you did anything wrong – he is the one with the problem, not you.
In my relationship with my EUM I was the one that asked to be left alone, only because I was fed up with the shabby treatment. The fight over how much time he spent with me just kept going on and on. It was never going to get resolved. I miss him but at the same time I am so relieved to be off of that emotional rollercoaster. I asked to be left alone and he is respecting my wishes and I am glad. I even changed my phone number so that he couldn’t contact me. He is probably a little hurt that I did this but I had to do it to get on with my life. In your case its the opposite – he is the one that asked to be left alone, but the end point is the same, you need to move on away from this EUM and find someone better.
Dear Brooke: I feel so much of your pain and I tortured myself for 9 months of no contact with a guy. A married guy. I changed my cell #, I contacted Hotmail and blocked his email from coming into my mailbox, I even created a phone rule at my office phone so if he called me there the call would get disconnected no ability to leave a vm. Then after 9 long months thinking I was soooo much better he contacted me by putting a note on my car. What did I do? Like an idiot I called him because I’m the one who did NC and for some reason thought I was strong enough to deal and give him a piece of my mind. Well that worked….NOT! As strong as I thought I was I still got sucked back in to his manipulative, destructive, abusive and toxic ways. After 30 days I felt like I was back in the dark tunnel I had just come out of. So lesson here for you and for many others…HE DID NOT CHANGE!!! Oh, he professed his changed ways, but when push came to shove I thought he was actually worse than before. It took me 60 Days though to give him the boot. He was contacting me through email because I was not reaching out to him. He asked if we could “chat” I ask about what and he gives me one of the 150 lame ass reasons in his book. I say OK and you know why he called? To tell me his wife was pregnant and they were going to have a baby and how he stayed with her because he couldn’t imagine his life without kids. I literally went off on him and the best part of this was…he got mad, very mad at me for even bringing up such things! That’s when I finally said “if you ever contact me again I will press charges and file for a restraining order you sick, demented, f’d up a-hole.” If felt good to get it out. But it felt even better to be FREE. Free is the key word here. Free to be ME! Free to be myself. Free to come and go and be with people who really appreciate all my good qualities just as I do theirs. No, I’m not going to date, or entertain any more male gender species until I’m fixed from the inside out. Brooke, learn from these posts. Do yourself a favor, if he comes into your head immediately change your train of thought. I had to wear a rubber band on my wrist for awhile and snap myself every time I thought of him and believe me that worked to. But get on with your life, you deserve so much, and make this guy a memory! All the best, I believe in you..you just have to believe in yourself.
Brooke, SuzieQ is partly right – you are better off without this guy.
But you shouldn’t ever accept him back again, either. When you express so very much anger, that says that you aren’t thinking of him as a partner, a mate, a companion. This isn’t a pattern of respect, and to build a relationship that lasts you have to have respect for yourself and others.
If you got along for a couple of days without him to talk to, then you should be able to survive today, and probably again tomorrow. When two people stop communicating (being angry doesn’t count) like this, the first thing has to be to get past the anger, to find what is causing your anger (and it isn’t him or what he does, they are your feelings), and find a way to get the anger out of your life.
Consider some group activities where you can guarantee there are more women than men, and don’t talk to the men. Bowling (ladies’ league) comes to mind, church functions, activities, and classes, Yoga or other exercise classes. It would be good to have contact with people in your life, beyond the intimate (and angry) relationship you had.
Try to identify people that you can respect, people that are honorable, honest, and disciplined (especially, that don’t spend much time being angry). Just being aware of the character of the people you spend time with can be a big step forward.
Unlike SusieQ, I think your relationship with that guy is over. There is nothing to continue, he owes you no explanations, and doesn’t deserve to hear how you feel. It ended, and the only polite, courteous, and responsible thing you can do now is to let it go. Remember the good times, why you enjoyed being with him, let the rest fade. Learn to live again in your own skin, search for calm and serenity – if you can find a stray moment of peace, with care that moment can grow to embrace more of your life. Really. There is no longer anything to say to him that won’t harm you, or offend him.
Peace.
Lori – this is such great comment. I am going through the same thing and it is soooo hard. except he shut me out. the pain is so great at times and the hard part i cant understand why as it feels better not knowing what he is doing and where he is at but it still hurts. can you help me get through this?
i am still thinking about him. he hasn’t contacted me but i still feel so low and i don’t know why i can’t shake it. i am experiencing all different emotions and i am getting scared. even though i know that i was unhppy with him and it wasn’t right to be him, it is still hard to move forward. what is wrong with me? i can’t focus on anything. i cant focus on me getting better. it hurts so much to know how he lied to me intentionally and set out to devast me but why couldnt’ he be a better human being like he is to his wife and son? why did he hurt me intentionally?
Trista, this is *grieving*. This is the expected pain, and hurt, and denial, and anger, and feelings of loss and distraction and hurt. This is the point that talking with an experienced grief counselor – psych, pastor, or other therapist or helper – can do a world of good. Someone that understands loss and the common patterns can help you identify what is expected, what you might be dwelling on without need. And can help you understand that all your hurts, and much of your anger and bewilderment, are real, are yours, and must be acknowledged.
The depression and tiredness that wraps around all this turmoil darkens the days, clouds your thinking, make problems bigger and hides solutions.
Everyone grieves and heals in their own time. I can’t think of anything more destructive than telling yourself “Get over it” – well, maybe someone else telling you to get over it.
This is a time to concentrate on the least you can – no new projects, put off what you can, and focus on just giving yourself time to think, to feel, to carry on with a reasonable daily routine. Eat properly even when food tastes awful or tasteless. Drink plenty of non-alcoholic, non-caffeine, non-sugar fluids. Fruit juice, water, and herbal or decaf teas are wonderful, especially decaf hot green tea.
Grieving and loss is a cold emotion – drink lots of hot fluids, soups, and hot foods. Even drink hot water – the warmth and liquids will help your body maintain a balanced function, and will contribute one less level of stress.
Some people find keeping a journal, a notebook, helpful. Record your thoughts. You may end up sharing them with a therapist if they ask, but otherwise expect to never reveal the contents.
Good friends can be a help. One of the characteristics of grieving, like being with an EUM, is isolation. Unlike the unkind that claim the answer is to get dating, the answer is closer to finding people of good character to associate with. Never talk to anyone where they serve alcohol, that you didn’t arrive with. While grieving, you probably want to avoid booze anyway – it delays healing.
Take some time to notice beauty around you – sunrise, sunset, stars in the sky, clouds. How a smile from a friend can lift spirits, how a quiet greeting can lift a hear. Notice that some garments are enjoyable just to touch.
Follow a regular daily routine, get to bed at a reasonably early time. If you have had trouble sleeping, try for at least eight or nine hours until you get caught up, then about 7 hours 20 minutes (that is what people that lived the longest averaged in one study). Eat at regular times. Don’t use a lot of TV, music, or computer – they agitate the nervous system. Late at night they disrupt sleep for several hours after you use them.
Hobbies and crafts can be good – lets you concentrate on something emotion-neutral that you enjoy doing.
Take care.
brad – thank you for the wise words above.
I agree with Brad, his words are correct and he must have some experience in this area or he would not be sharing with all of us. Heed his advice, and as one friend told me a long time ago. “Be compassionate with yourself”, sometimes we are so hard or critical of ourselves and now is the time to free yourself from the cocoon and become the beautiful person you are meant to be. We all have an inner light or flame, and when that is dim it’s a sign that you are not and may not be able to get through this alone – without some special guidance or help. Take care.
Oh why am I struggling so much with the no contact rule??
I split up with my EUM back in April last year. It was the one and only time we split up but did try and stay friends for a few months afterwards. It doesnt work and was like an emotional rollercoaster and no enjoyment at all.
Eventually I decided just to implement the NCR, no explanation given to him. I have not heard a thing for 5 weeks and realise how much of a one sided relationship it actualy was – If I didnt ring, I didnt hear from him.
I honestly thought I might have had a phone call or text to see if I was ok, and have got to the stage where I think about how I would react if he called.- (not getting over him and moving on post)
I suppose it really hits home how little he thought of me, I have gone from a confident career women to someone with little self esteem ( this is being dealt with), not quite sure how I got to this stage.
I know he was bad for me and treated me awful. I’m embarrased to say some of the things he did cos I cant believe I let him use me so much, but I still pine for that one bit of contact from him, esp at this time of year.
Oh how I can relate. The feelings that inhibit you once you realize the EUM was just that and you were the fallback girl. Reality. When it sets in and takes hold you end up with emotions that are overwhelming (but don’t beat yourself up). Let go of the past, forgive yourself and start motivating yourself with new goals, new ideas and let your creative energy flow. If your EUM chooses to turn up down the road you’ll only be that much stronger and won’t desire to respond.
Resist temptation to contact him no matter how your feelings are stirred up during this time of year. He does not deserve you, and all the wonderful things you bring to a relationship. So let him be.
2009 is a new year, and time to meet new acquaintances, make new dreams and set new goals for yourself.
all the best!
better – you have a way of inspiring with words…a gift you should be proud of! I find that I too am struggling…knowing how bad he is for me and wanting to connect with him at the same time. I guess this is the withdrawal period (he contacted me a few times over the holidays after NC for 3 months). He is definitely a predator and a user…knowing it and still feeling the pull toward him makes me feel bad about myself. I guess I’m only human! I spoke with him a few times, but did not see him. I wanted to so badly, and our during our conversations, I was still in the role of putting him on a pedistal as if he is a catch…because I felt he has something he can give me (relationship), but doesn’t want to. ( A TWISTED MESS).
I know I just have to put the energies into myself and as you said, Better, make new dreams and set new goals for myself.
Finally: it’s been 4 months of NC for me and there is not a day which passes that I don’t think of that assclown in some way, shape or form. I too held on to MY dreams of what a relationship with him was going to be like. Because I kept holding out hope, he just kept using me and walking over me like a doormat.
I can’t remember exactly how it happened but I just said “enough”. I started NCR and have never looked back. Yes there were days I longed for him to reach out to me, but as more time passed the more humiliated I felt about how silly I was to be led around like his puppet. But that made me feel worse, so each day when the thought of him or what had happened between us came into my head, I just said to myself “So, I made a mistake. I thought he was the “one” but I know different now. He will not change, so I must protect myself going forward and not continue to pick men of this calibur. I’m OK, it’s all going to be OK now that he is gone. I am a lovable person, and I forgive myself.”
Finally: Your EUM is no different in some regard to the ones which have been written or discussed about on this site. Give yourself a break, tell yourself you are lovable, and start making a new life for yourself. One which doesn’t include the EUM. You have everything it takes to be a happier person, just dig your feet in and start doing something about it.
Hugs
Better: Thanks for sharing what helped you. It is helping me to change my thoughts around. You are right about forgiving yourself. I think I’ve been very hard on myself after speaking to him and that is where I’ve been stuck. I have to forgive myself and move forward. I will tell myself that I can do it and I am lovable. Thank you!!!!!!
XXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO
Help, Got myself into a bit of a social mess. I cut contact with my EUM 5 weeks ago and surprise, surprise not heard a thing for him. I am still close friends with his brothers girlfriend, who dont live together. He lives with parents along with ex EUM.
Iinvited my friend to my sisters 30th party to night, and she has presumed the invite is for her and boyfriend, even though we have never socialised together. He isnt coming and that has upset her, But it makes it look that I have invited the brother to get back at my ex EUM, I have just had a phone call to sy he can now come. My ex EUM didnt know about the party but I know how it looks. The brother doesnt know my family and even though I dont want any of males to come it should have been my ex EUM who got the invite if any of them, as he was close to family.I broke the contact today to try and explain that I have done nothing underhand and he was ok about it, but I cant help feeling guilt. What do I do, just keep quiet and let it roll. It is ruinig what should be my sisters special day. ?????
new year/new start. Don’t confuse courtesy with drama and gossip.
You invited your friend. You are *not* responsible for anyone she talks to, invites, or has issues with. You have two concerns – to be courteous and polite to your sister, and be courteous and polite to your friend.
You could have been clear – that as far as you know, the event is all girls so far. Now? If she wants to drag her guy to an all-woman party, that is her lookout. I went to a friend’s baby shower, the only guy there. I enjoyed myself, but I think if I hadn’t been the direct invitee, it might have been awkward. But again, whether dragging him to an inappropriate event is her lookout, not your concern.
As for whether your EUM should be invited, don’t say anything. He isn’t your concern, you didn’t and shouldn’t invite him primarily because the event is your sister’s and intended to be ladies only.
But also because when you dropped him, your relationship to him *changed*. He is no longer an acquaintance, someone you know or knew – he is now a known “harmful” person. You have to be aware of the harm he causes you, and take reasonable steps to avoid contact or communications – to protect yourself. Whether he feels harmed, or insulted, or actually learns something and becomes a better person is no longer significant. You know that contact with him will harm you. Don’t gossip, to explain why you are avoiding him. Don’t “warn” others.
Leaving him was an act of responsibility, a way for you to assert your independence and self-reliance. While you are grieving for his loss, and healing from the esteem and other issues that let you pick and stay with an EUM (two unrelated and separate issues!) you have to be wary.
Keep in clear mind what your responsibilities are. You are responsible for being polite to others, within reason. A known predator, or felon, or thug or bully, you would have no problem choosing to protect yourself even if you are discourteous. This guy is harmful to you, just by being there or contacting you, and you need to choose your safety first with him, too. So be polite to all, and counter the guilt toward his wants and wishes with thoughts of defending yourself from hurt from contact with him.
Luck!
Brad-I liked the part about the EUM being a “know harmful person”. This is what the FBGirls have to realize. The EUM causes us harm, pain or whatever and we seem to think we are responsible for their feelings or emotions, etc.
I think in another blog you stated so eloquently that choosing the NCR is not about giving the EUM space so that you can work things out with them. It’s about our safety and to put an end to a relationship which is harmful/abusive to us.
Why should we care about using proper ettiquette with them, when they have treated us so poorly? It does not make sense but this is a very important piece to get through to us, in our heads…we need to be concerned about the health and well being of ourselves FIRST.
Thank you for the post!
Happy New Year everyone. This article and these posts have been a tremendous help to me. Trying to stay strong and I’m focusing on my well being. Slowly getting better…
Agree with Better… why should we expend so much energy and attention on them when they don’t return an ounce of attention to us in return?
Betterwithouthim, Happy Monday!
It *is* the relationship with an EUM causes you harm. Whether he (she?) harms you or not, whether you harm yourself or not, the contact and thinking and wishing cause harm. Skills of forming an interdependent couple and a family, the physical elements of bonding, the emotional investment are all misused, when your partner isn’t actually being a mate to you. A relationship with an EUM/assclown taints your dreams, makes you doubt your values, distracts your need to grow and be interdependent in a life of trust and respect. The harm is harsh, slow to heal, and all too easy to suffer again.
The harm done is especially tough to heal, while you are also going through a perfectly healthy grieving for a person now missing from your life.
If the problem were simple, if it were a minor issue of keeping the bozo from harming us, we wouldn’t be tied in knots. We would see the risk, avoid the danger, and move on. And we wouldn’t repeat the mistake.
Blessed be!
So what is the Actual ADDICTION?? To the Drama that comes with these men or the men themselves?? Or both? If we know it is “harmful” to us…. why is it soo hard for us to get out? I have to work with my EUM and I have to work diligently and consciously to make sure I don’t interact with him and his department unless I have to!!! I also have to try REALLY REALLY hard not to fall for his sometimes (or what seems to be) Sweet remarks towards me. It is really hard at times I must admitt!!! Sometimes I wonder why what we want to believe and see is soo much more powerful than the reality of who they really are!! Its like sometimes my own mind plays tricks on me and says… oh see Karen… you are soo twisted and unkind to see him in such a way… look how nice he just was… or what a nice thing he just did!!! And then BAM!!! I hit myself over the head (well only metaphorically) LOL and say to myself NOPE!!!! Thats not who he really is…. They are just sooo good at making others believe that they are not Assclowns…. !! But thats the hard part… convincing my own mind that what I WANT to believe and WHAT Actually is… are two different things. Why is it soo hard at times to just see them for who they really are and not deviate from that? I am determined to get through this so I work REALLY REALLY hard EVERY day to make sure I dont fall for it…. it is draining at times… because my heart wants to go one way but my mind knows better. So I ask again— what is it about these EUM that is soo addicting? The NC has been particularly challenging for me because we work together but I have and continue to do it as best as I can. He is away on vacation at the moment for 3 weeks and I cant say enough how FREE and at PEACE I feel not having him around, not feeling obsessive, and not thinking about him! So much that I am dreading when he returns!!! I dont want to fall back when right now I am feeling so strong and like I can actually move past this. I am afraid that when I see him again, his presence alone will trigger back the “ADDICTION” and I will feel weak and depressed again. I am trying my best to get as strong as I can for these three weeks so that I dont FALL BACK!!!
My ex told me 2 months into our relationship that he didn’t believe in love. Of course that put in mission mode. I was determined to get him to change his mind. I mean, seriously, who can’t love me? But, nope. He was more determined to prove himself right. It became a pride issue for him to make sure I didn’t prove him wrong. Cursed manchild, he will be single until he dies.
Karen, that’s totally how I felt when my EUM was on vacation-I felt free, knowing I couldn’t contact him and like a responsibility had been lifted from me-and…er….WHY couldn’t I have made this decision myself? Eek!
I was determined that I wouldn’t fall back into looking for any excuse to contact him, but didn’t I wait mere DAYS before I was back looking for my fix, texting him about how his vacation was….
Karen, I think the addiction is about fear, and loneliness, and wanting assurance that we are loved and cherished. That is, we long for the brightest parts of home, when we were children. We remember the brightest moments when we were loved and cared for and nothing seemed threatening. And we want that safe “home” and “family” feeling again.
When we have issues with self image, problems with what we think love is, when we think we are damaged, or unworthy of love – we generally find someone about as messed up to “partner” with. We may mirror the problems our parents had while we were growing up, or maybe not – but for those of us in trouble with an EUM/assclown – generally we missed good “couple” role models. We have a very poor understanding of what is appropriate and expected in a healthy relationship. Today’s advertising and erotic imaging emphasize sex as the essence of a relationship. We often don’t realize that there needs to be a relationship before the sex, that we need respect more than sex, honor and trust and compassion before money, and discipline in emotions and behavior.
Why do we hang on? Perhaps the relationship is no worse than our childhood home. Perhaps we fear being alone or broke or homeless. And perhaps we feel like our child-self, contemplating throwing the parents out of the home. We are horrified, with no belief that we could survive without our “family”. We will spend ourselves to try to “keep the family together”, because alone the child can’t survive.
We aren’t being childish, being attracted to an EUM, or staying with an EUM. But we do seem to be projecting our needs back to the child’s instinctive needs to be protected and nourished by the family. This is very tough stuff.
NC can be a major life transition. Discovering within yourself that you can survive without *that* partner, *that* “family,” is tremendously empowering. Discovering what makes a healthy relationship, and a healthy partner, and deciding that you want nothing less might seem straight forward – but this is a fundamental change to who you are, and what you “know” is truth. Change is measured in pain. That sucks, but seems to apply nearly all the time.
I think mostly the drama is a distraction. After a few repetitions it almost becomes entertainment, recreation – a bad habit. We turn to the drama, the denial, to hide the truth from ourselves. To protect that basic, fundamental longing for the safety of a loved one to care for us. And to overlook our fear that we aren’t worthy of a better life.
So we cling, and we sacrifice, and we plead to sustain our relationship. We are fighting for our survival. Of course we panic and feel bereaved when leave or when we are left, feeling we are left to die.
Healing from an EUM relationship means learning to see yourself clearly, and each of your relationships and emotional bonds clearly. When you are starting to heal, it is all-too-easy to find change painful, and want to return to the relationship you knew – at least your inner child could survive, there. Your inner child will be unsure and untrusting about surviving, until you finish healing.
My first reaction to your mention of his “Sweet remarks” was – that is inappropriate in the workplace. Any unwanted attempt at intimacy is grounds for complaint to your supervisor / manager / boss. The term is “hostile work place”. Your work is suffering – your boss has an OSHA mandate to prevent him from harassing you, and as your employer your boss has a right to be informed when you are being harassed. As nearly anyone can tell you, making a formal complaint doesn’t mean anything will actually happen. And it could cost you your job (it isn’t supposed to). If your employer is as sick and maladjusted as the EUM, though – how good is your job for your well-being?
There are a couple of things that you can say, when he acts inappropriately. “No,” works pretty good. When he is acting out and harassing you, you don’t have to be considerate, merely polite. You certainly don’t owe him any explanation. Another phrase that comes to mind is “That feels rude.” That is one of those things that cannot be argued with. Your feelings are yours. There might be debate about “That is rude”, because intent, and interpretation, and stories can all be manipulated. “That feels rude,” though, is about your feelings. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your feelings. They are. At work, be professional, courteous – but with him be merely polite, and keep to professional mode, and confront inappropriate behavior.
I would ask to talk with your boss, explain you have a personal problem: You dated the guy, it didn’t work out, and that he still seems to flirt at times. Do mention specific words and acts at work; do not talk about your relationship, what went wrong, or how shaky you feel about him. The most you would want to say about him might be, “He is slow at getting back to a professional relationship. At this point, anything remotely intimate from him would feel inappropriate.” Leave out anything that wouldn’t go on a form to OSHA.
All companies are supposed to have a published policy on sexual harassment (that is, the policy is supposed to be that no one should feel harassed). Review that, it might help get control of your reactions.
Great post Karen and Brad K. I faced a similar situation as Karen did in the workplace. Only it was with my boss and she was a woman. I did go to HR and ask for some help after repeated attempts to keep my interaction with her merely professional. Brad is correct here, if the employer (organization) is not healthy then it’s just not a good/healthy place to continue to work. It may be best to take other measures and be safe. This is what I found to be true with my previous employer.
One of the exercises I read about and have tried was to write down on paper the jobs I previously held and the types of interpersonal relationships that I was involved with there. Men, women, bosses, etc and what transpired from them. Why you left the job, why you transferred depts. When you start putting this stuff on paper it is almost surreal. Again, reality hits you and there in black and white it’s staring you in the face. It’s the circle or cycle of dysfunction. Starts with family, friends, personal relationships, work relationships, so again when it all comes full circle the only one you can change is YOU.
In all the counseling I have been through, not once was it discussed that I am codependent, a caretaker, that I’ve been or am emotionally unavailable, etc. I’ve spent thousands of dollars, in this arena. It may have saved me a few years or months in the healing process but regardless, once you know what you’re up against you then have the means and can make a choice to deal with it.
As Brad K states in his post, “Change is measured in pain. That sucks but it seems to apply nearly all the time.” The journey can be long, it is painful but getting what you want out of life, happiness, healthy relationships, re-learning how to manage emotions, making better choices for oneself is well worth the effort.
Wow Brad… .Thank you sooo much… this REALLY helped. You have a great way of helping to make things clearer. I am currently working with a therapist on improving my self esteem and self image as I see from this site and understanding having been in this type of relationship, that it is really Ourselves that we need to work on. I do have to say that raising one’s self esteem takes time… but that definetely being involved in a relationship with an EUM reaks havoc on it. I have always had a pretty decent level of self esteem– and feel more so that having been with an EUM it has made it worse. I guess that is what I fear and question the most… the fact that if i felt healthy and entered into this relationship not from a place of lack but from a place of wanting to share my love and myself with someone and feel like I was totally side swiped and didnt even see this coming…. I have to be more conscious and aware of RED Flags early on. It has been soo confusing to understand how and why someone recipricates soo little and can take and take and not give back. The bigger question however (and now know) is how I could have accepted soo little (crumbs) and been ok with it. I guess I feel I fell in love…and expected a “normal” response but instead his selfishness, lack of recipricoty felt soo confusing and it triggered something inside of me to feel soo insecure, needy and plunged me into wanting to give more and do more because I felt #1 that I had done something to cause him to be that way with me…and #2…I guess to prove that I was loveable by continuing to give and give and give without hardly receiving anything in return thinking that thats what was lacking. Like NML says…. towards the end (I ended it after almost TWO years!!) it became more of an addiction (or at least thats what it felt like) to get him to validate all that I had done for him and for everything that I felt. I was ANGRY that the words I LOVE YOU, I appreciate you etc…etc..etc…could come out of his mouth— but lacked all the actions to back it up. I felt I had been betrayed … How could he use Love and those types of words filled with emotions JUST to get what he wanted?? I had been nothing but kind, generous, caring, loving, supportive — you name it! I didnt deserve what he did. He knew I didn’t want to get hurt…just wanted the truth…. if things weren’t going to work out– he didnt have to string me along. In the end I guess I was more mad at myself for allowing it to happen. When he threw the crumbs… I jumped to grab them….when instead I should have thrown them back in his face and said… NOT ENOUGH!!! I deserve more… I deserve better than this crap. It took awhile but finally the lack of EVERYTHING took its toll…and I finally realized that he was not going to change or give me more or do anything for that matter!! –including ending it himself instead of me having to do it. It was hard to finally come to that place….to let go of the dreams I had in my mind, to let go of the hope and most of all, having to let go of someone not because you dont love them….but because you know they are not good for you and because at some point you have to say enough is enough!!!… what is it going to take? All the lies and empty promises hurt like hell because you form these ideas and fantasasies in your mind of a life with this person and all the while they have no real intentions of ever coming through with them. I felt misled… because I know I didn’t put these ideas in my head all on my own….he had a part in making me believe that things could happen with him– if i just waited a little more, if i was more patient… if I ..blah blah blah!!! I can’t believe that these types of people are soo selfish and heartless and un-empathetic to the feelings of others or how unaware they are of how their behavior impacts the other party. Either way— Thank you soo much again for what you wrote. I guess little by little I will get through this. No.. in fact I know I will– because I am determined…I have to … for me!!! It is one of the hardest relationships that I have had!!! Seriously, I think more and more women (and men) need to be made aware of what to look out for to avoid these types. I am slowly rebuilding myself up again……. I hope that I can remain strong when he returns…. he is not being rude or hurtful…he is just trying to see if i am still there and if i still care…I keep it short and professional not engaging in any further conversations that are not related to work matters. When he starts telling me about his life…I just say… you know what…. sorry– I have to run into meeting now… gotta go!! And that takes courage and an insurmountable amount of strength to not want to hear or care or think about him. Or to not feel “bad” that I am being short and indifferent with him… .when I was once so loving and caring. Sometimes I say…. I want to know and engage in conversation and do the “Friend” thing…but I continue to read NML’s posts as well as everyone elses to remind myself that he is not my friend. That friends don’t lie or make you feel insecure, unappreciated… or that someone who truly loves and cares for you won’t just say things to take advantage of you or just to be selfish. I keep telling myself… I used to be the weak woman in his presence…. but I am now a stronger and wiser person who realizes that she had a lot of love to give…just chose the wrong person to give it to.
Thanks for listening!!!! 🙂
Oh– one more thing… I would love to hear if you (Brad) or anyone else has any other suggestions or advice or comments… I need all the help and clarifying I can get (as Im sure we all do on this site) Im glad I have you all to come to!!! =) xoxoxoxoxo
Karen, you mentioned “When he starts telling me about his life” – I would break in – don’t bother to let him finish something personal. “No. This feels rude to me – please let me get back to work now.”
I think the red flags start with respect, honesty, discipline. These have to be there – they are what distinguishes a slick line of gab from someone highly experienced in winning bed partners (a life skill they *won’t* be giving up, ever) from the often inept but heartfelt connection that builds, over time, with someone of character. Leave the fireworks and adventures for vacations – a long term relationship is about security.
Hint – a person that confuses the world with hunting grounds for intimate encounters is too confused to be emotionally available. Some people do find the love of their lives at work – but nothing much happens on company time – that lacks discipline, honor to the employer, and respect for each other. Don’t think of this guy as a co-worker. Think of him as a predatory co-worker. Any time he starts getting friendly or intimate, imagine him as a thug in an alley, knife in one hand, hand on a gun, disdainful leer on his face. “Erp, Gotta go.” Or maybe visualize him as just coming from an interview with the CEO – with toilet paper stuck to the seat of his pants. No, no, that wouldn’t be respectful. Imagine instead that his pants were split up the back. “Erp. Gotta go.”
Luck!
Karen, I’m wondering if we were with the same EUM! 🙂
Your words are almost exactly the same ones that I had written and logged in my journal. I had to start the journal because somehow I would conveniently “forget” all the crappy things he did and said to me and would get sucked back in by his charming ways only to feel worse. The journal helped me kick the addiction and go with NCR because I really thought I was losing my mind.
You’re on the right track now, keep going forward it gets much easier the more time that passes.
Brad K – your posts here are great. Thanks for the insight and feedback. Love the humor and visual of the EUM with TP!!! LOL 🙂
Good luck Karen, and thanks for posting as well.
It is because of posts and people like you betterwithouthim that I have come to realize that I am not alone, and that I was not as insane as I thought I was. Believe me, I have endless journal entries as well because I truly thought that I was insane. It is easy for us to blame ourselves and throw this whole brunt of this type of relationship on ourselves. I was glad too to find this site and read that others where going through the same EXACT things that I was! What a relief! And then that there were tools we could actually use to help ourselves get through it. I truly believe this site has helped many of us! Thanks again Brad! And I look forward to reading more posts and coming here whenever I need support or have a question or have a weak moment! Thanks betterwithouthim…. glad I am not alone!!!! Thanks to all for posting!!! 🙂
O.k I’m new and I have a question.. I was actually the one that borke it off with him because somthing was simply missing and I had just broken off a 4 year relationhsip so I told him I was not ready and needed time to be alone..so we eneded up good, he said he understood, although he cried and felt hurt, he said that he still wanted me in his life as a friend and he thank me for being there for him during hard times. So then we texted, as friends, for the next couple of days after the break off, and after that when I tried texting again and calling him just to see how he was doing he doesn’t text back or answer my calls..NOW, why the heck does this bother me sooo much when I was the one that broke off with him and I wold not want to date him now at all?? and why is he acting like this after saying he wants me in his life?
I have read threw the posts and I am angry! Angry by the fact that all over the world, men continue to treat us like absolute shit – ** NEWS FLASH** Because.we.let.them.
My EUM and i seemed to be getting on fine, until I was having a bad day, took it out on him – emailed to ask to meet me for lunch and he ignored. That was 8 days ago – absolutely cut contact.
Woopidoo – his ego has taken a knock since someone I irritated him. So what! That does not give them the right to completely ignore you, just because they want to ‘teach us a lesson’ – teach me a lesson all you want honey, my life is moving on!
I am NOT one of these girls that sits and waits on the perfect relationship! If he just isnt that into me, I can accept that! Life goes on..plenty more fish in the sea!
I just find it a tad unnerving that we ladies allow these 100% complete assclowns to waltz in and out of our lives, push, pull, toy with our emotions, reduce us to a jittering wreck, destroy our self esteem – all the while they have no idea what impact their little ” I will ignore and readdress the balance” has on us!
We have got to be stronger than this. And quite frankly, if THEY do pull the ignoring card, they clearly have absolutely no BALLS to sit down and say ” you know what, its not working, its over” – it is pathetic!
I use the NML phrase to the max – “what has he done for me lately”, that would be NADA. He has done nothing for me ‘lately’ other than annoy me, reduce me to tears, and complicate my life.
I dont need him. At the end of the day boys – if you are reading this – do us all a favour and dont get back in touch! IF IT’S OVER – IT IS OVER. It is not a 2-way street.
I LOVE THIS POST! My ex broke up with me in an email after he ignored me for 6 straight days after an argument. The argument was based upon something HE did that I deemed disrespectful. Of course bc he is a narcissist (I am just now realizing), he only thought I was overreacting and being ridiculous. I have struggled with all of the common feelings of rejection bc after the break up, I contacted him via email a few times to voice how I felt. I have not heard a peep from him since he sent that email almost two months ago. I have realized he DID do me a favor and I should be nothing BUT grateful that he never responded or has contacted me since. I am slowly moving forward and am slowly healing from all of the pain he inflicted on me. I will be a better person in the end bc of this experience.
I blocked contact in every way I could think of. He knows full well that I do what I say I will do and probably doesn’t think I mean it about HIM of course (classic narcissism, with all signs and symptoms) so if he has tried to get in touch or not I don’t know, and I am making myself believe each day that passes that I don’t care. Lucky escape!
My God. To think I was all alone. I have not told my story but I had to post here. The eggshell part really got to me in one of the lower posts. I am very confident and he started to make me feel all needy and low self esteemish and he could not assure me. He actually just walked out on me and its been two months. No contact for three weeks. I have not tried and neither has he. This site is a Godsend.
I was married to an EUM and never realized it until I was reading these posts. He was a cop in a small town but thought A LOT about himself. He was moody and hard to live with but somehow it was always my fault. He wasn’t like that until we married and he got me away from my friends. He would get upset with me over silly things and then not speak to me for 2-3 days. I would try so hard to make up with him but it would only get worse. I would go to bed crying and he would just walk through the bedroom and sigh and tell me to “knock it off”. He finally came home after 11 months of marriage and threw his wedding ring on the coffee table and said he “didn’t feel married” anymore. He said there wasn’t another woman but he still threw me out. He was taking his new girlfriend to his son’s baseball games within 2 weeks to show her off. I would call him and text him constantly at first. Finally, I called him one Sunday asking him why was he doing all this? Didn’t he love me? Didn’t he miss us? He screamed into the phone..”There is no US”. I never called him again. The NC rule is good thing. You’re not doing to see if the guy will miss you, or notice you’re not around. You’re doing it for yourself. So, you can just not sit and think about him all the time. Make yourself do something, anything. I would clean out my purse, wash my car, call a friend. I promise that eventually you will get through it. Be strong ya’ll.
@Missy
Wow! I have a lot of respect for woman like you! What he did was terrible and I’m glad you have moved on.
This site is a godsend. I was so so in love with him, like never before, told him all my secrets everything, he slowly but surely grinded me down from a confident independant woman to an insecure attention seeking mess….told me no one wanted to hear my opinions, that he would never marry me, etc etc, for the first year he loved my opinions, wanted to get married, adored me, etc etc. I was in heaven!!! then it all changed, he would say things that were just not very nice, put down what i did for a living, etc then say he was joking…….and what was wrong with me?
, I would say nothing but eventually every time I would get drunk I would go mental at him, he would throw me out, and say i had a problem and it must be my childhood issues, that there was something worng with me, blah blah, told his family, whom i got on really well with, that I was nuts and had problems… then would take me back to see how things would go…….and all I did was love him….Ihe then dumped me by txt!!!!!! I am so upset still, that was a month ago, I too sent emails explaining my feeling etc and he would give a one line reply, i then emailed him apologising and got a txt saying that sorry was just not good enough this time!!!! I have seen him since but did not contact him until yesyerday when I saw a lovely dog like his and txt him saying I woulds like to see the dog, that I missed him and would like to take him out…..he said i could but feel like a fool now..
My first relationship after my divorce was with a co-worker. He was seperated from his wife and ended up getting back together with her. Looking back now, he did me a favor by making the contact outside of work rule. I couldn’t risk my job and did have a few angry e-mails back and forth but he was also very careful to keep quiet about what was happening at home so I didn’t have to hear it. It took a lot of work on both of our parts but looking back now to the ex who has been “friends” since he moved I realize no contact can be hard, but it is much faster road to moving on. NML’s comments about them cutting contact in order to teach you a lesson is right on. Mine just did that again yesterday, but rather than panic I agreed that the “friendship” was unhealthy for me and no contact was best. He tried to leave the door open for “down the road” but I blocked him every way I can – also to protect me from myself as well. It’s been a bit tough but for the first time I feel good about the decision.