Steph asks: “Your post on “When he tells you that he wants to break up versus when he treats you badly till YOU break up!”…… was right on as usual. I was stuck with the second kind of EUM…who would never have ended it until we were both eighty. But he cheated on me and is probably seeing that person at this very moment. I am almost five weeks into NC but the thing I obsess about the most, the thing I struggle with more then anything is the betrayal. Yes I said good bye to him, I broke up with him but in reality he only had one toe in the relationship as soon as he cheated. He lied and lied to me about being with this woman. It was only after having to become a detective that I found out the truth and even then he came up with lame excuse after lame excuse and denied everything.
The fact that he wanted to hold onto both of us and wouldn’t break up bothers me more then anything. If he had not cheated and I had just told him to “take a run and jump” as you like to say, I think I would feel much better. But the fact that I feel he has replaced me and I‘m still struggling with all the wreckage and baggage he left me with, seems so unfair. I know life isn’t fair but these men seem to be able to move on much easier then us. So how do I get over the feeling that this woman somehow won? Even though I know in my heart that he was cheating on her while he was cheating on me. I know that I suddenly became the other woman in my own relationship. How frickin weird is that?
I’m dating, trying to move on but I could meet the most handsome, smart, caring man right now and it would do nothing for me. I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM who had all the qualities in a man that I ever wanted except for the fact that he’s an assclown but you know what I mean. He is funny, smart, great to be with, handsome, etc. Everyone I meet pales in comparison. I miss the intimacy and easy flow of being in a relationship. I hate having to start over again and the awkwardness that comes with dating. Am I just not ready to date?
I’ve thought about cocooning and working on myself but then the obsessing starts. If I stand still for more then a few seconds, thoughts of him and her pop into my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Betrayal has to be the hardest pill to swallow. I swear I cry over this much more then I should.
Another big problem is we hang out on some of the same places on the Internet. So even though I’m not running into him in person, I see him online, or he’ll be on Yahoo messenger and this bothers me as well. I do make myself invisible but he doesn’t and I think he does this to get my attention and hope I’ll talk to him. He has not made any real attempts to get in touch since I said goodbye to him almost five weeks ago…and even though I say I’m glad he’s gone and even though I don’t have all the drama that goes with being involved with him, I think I secretly hope that he will call. In our last several break ups, we usually lasted a couple of weeks and then he would contact me and the craziness would start all over again. Am I addicted to that in some way?
It looks like I’m going to make it through NC this time but I’m very unhappy and miss the assclown. It’s left a huge void and hole in my heart. This is the first time I’ve ever been involved with someone like this and I really fell very hard for him.
NML says: Right, the difficulty here is that:
1) You are losing sight of your perspective2) You’re focused on the wrong things3) You want him to feel like you do and not be able to move on so quickly4) You’re not seeing him as he is
This is what speaks volumes to me:
“I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM who had all the qualities in a man that I ever wanted except for the fact that he’s an assclown but you know what I mean. He is funny, smart, great to be with, handsome, etc. Everyone I meet pales in comparison. I miss the intimacy and easy flow of being in a relationship.”
What are you comparing him to? Men that cheat and lie double the amount that he does?
What qualities could this man have that are so wonderful that it outweighs the fact that he’s an assclown? I’ve heard of the whole glass is half full mentality but this is waaaay off! Let’s take them one by one:
Funny – Go see a comedian. Personally, I don’t see what’s so funny about being with an uncommitted man, who cheats and is a barefaced liar. Funny doesn’t make a boyfriend. It’s nice to have, great even, but in the context of the relationship, if he doesn’t back up that sense of humour with an all round good character that has both feet in the relationship, who gives a monkey’s about the fact that he can make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
Smart – He’s smart alright…just not in the way that you mean…. You played detective, caught him red handed, and he still lied. I’ll give him credit where credit is due though – he is smart enough to have recognised that you will accept his crappy behaviour and love him regardless. He’s also smart enough to realise that there are a hell of a lot of women out there that don’t value themselves enough to realise that he’s a toxic, waste of space. He’s already with another one…
Great to be with – No he’s not – you just want the semblance of a relationship more than you want him. You adore the shallow things about him that you think boost you as a person.
Handsome – Seriously? A handsome, funny, cheating, lying, uncaring, uncommitted assclown. Hmm, handsome on the outside, ugly on the inside? Is this really that important to you?
I miss the intimacy and easy flow of being in a relationship – Sex is not the same as relationship intimacy especially when he’s shagging two of you at the same time. The relationship and him have no substance. It can’t have been that intimate – he had one foot out and was playing away! ‘Easy flow – what easy flow? Yes it’s easy if you accept the guy on his terms but really, you just want to be in a relationship. Period. But as he has demonstrated, quality is of prime importance.
The qualities that are of prime importance to you are of no value to your relationship without character, values, and an actual foundation to your relationship. In choosing superficial qualities…you’ve ended up with a distinctly superficial relationship…
You did end the relationship but you you don’t like what he has done since ending it. You haven’t moved on so you don’t feel he should move on. You’re suffering so he should be suffering.
It just doesn’t work like that.
If he didn’t mirror how you felt when you were in the relationship with him, why would he do it now that it’s over?
What I sense is that you ended the relationship but you didn’t really want to even though you knew that you should. You sound helpless and defeated and already are in the mindset of feeling like you’d cave if he came back into your life.
She hasn’t ‘won’ anything. She’s not the issue and from where I’m sitting, this guy is far from being a prize.
The guy cheated on you with someone else. Even when you confronted him, he lied. He has betrayed you but what concerns me is that whilst you are upset about the betrayal, you’re more upset about the fact that he’s currently with her and that you still love him.
Be very careful of cutting contact to get a reaction and to try to get him to do what you want. He will see right through this and if you’re cutting contact with hope that he’ll come crawling back, you’re on a destructive path.
You need to work out why you want to be with him and why you want a cheat? His deceitfulness speaks volumes – why hasn’t that changed how you feel? Why haven’t you got angry? Why have you instead spent time obsessing about her when you should have been thinking about how to move on from this mess?
This should be a case of ‘I loved him but he betrayed me in a way that is unacceptable. My heart hurts, and I miss “him” but I realise that my heart has not caught up with the reality of him and that for my own benefit, I need to stay away from him because he is a liar and a cheat. More importantly, he has moved on which means that I have to move on.”
You can choose to stay as you are and focus on the wrong things, but your life is going to be at standstill and he’s going to be getting on with his life. If you’re serious about no contact and serious about treating yourself with love and respect, recognise that of course it hurts – you broke up and he betrayed you, but that you are taking care of you, the pain will subside, and you will only see him as he really is.
He has made no real attempts to get in touch – this in itself speaks volumes. When a man is already out the door and started a new relationship, it is a neon sign that something was very wrong and that regardless of whether your heart has caught up with the reality, to pine for this mofo would be highly destructive because you want a man that doesn’t want you and doesn’t value. If he thinks the relationship is over and has moved on, why don’t you think it’s over?
You are ‘addicted’ to the cycle of behaviour with him – it is likely that when more time of no contact has passed than before that the reality will kick in. He didn’t just start to have one toe in the relationship when he cheated – he’s always had one toe in it from when you both started this cycle of breaking up to get back together.
Stay strong…and don’t take up the relegation offer of being the Other Woman if he tries to come creeping back. I know how these guys work…