Steph asks: “Your post on “When he tells you that he wants to break up versus when he treats you badly till YOU break up!”…… was right on as usual. I was stuck with the second kind of EUM…who would never have ended it until we were both eighty. But he cheated on me and is probably seeing that person at this very moment. I am almost five weeks into NC but the thing I obsess about the most, the thing I struggle with more then anything is the betrayal. Yes I said good bye to him, I broke up with him but in reality he only had one toe in the relationship as soon as he cheated. He lied and lied to me about being with this woman. It was only after having to become a detective that I found out the truth and even then he came up with lame excuse after lame excuse and denied everything.
The fact that he wanted to hold onto both of us and wouldn’t break up bothers me more then anything. If he had not cheated and I had just told him to “take a run and jump” as you like to say, I think I would feel much better. But the fact that I feel he has replaced me and I‘m still struggling with all the wreckage and baggage he left me with, seems so unfair. I know life isn’t fair but these men seem to be able to move on much easier then us. So how do I get over the feeling that this woman somehow won? Even though I know in my heart that he was cheating on her while he was cheating on me. I know that I suddenly became the other woman in my own relationship. How frickin weird is that?
I’m dating, trying to move on but I could meet the most handsome, smart, caring man right now and it would do nothing for me. I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM who had all the qualities in a man that I ever wanted except for the fact that he’s an assclown but you know what I mean. He is funny, smart, great to be with, handsome, etc. Everyone I meet pales in comparison. I miss the intimacy and easy flow of being in a relationship. I hate having to start over again and the awkwardness that comes with dating. Am I just not ready to date?
I’ve thought about cocooning and working on myself but then the obsessing starts. If I stand still for more then a few seconds, thoughts of him and her pop into my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Betrayal has to be the hardest pill to swallow. I swear I cry over this much more then I should.
Another big problem is we hang out on some of the same places on the Internet. So even though I’m not running into him in person, I see him online, or he’ll be on Yahoo messenger and this bothers me as well. I do make myself invisible but he doesn’t and I think he does this to get my attention and hope I’ll talk to him. He has not made any real attempts to get in touch since I said goodbye to him almost five weeks ago…and even though I say I’m glad he’s gone and even though I don’t have all the drama that goes with being involved with him, I think I secretly hope that he will call. In our last several break ups, we usually lasted a couple of weeks and then he would contact me and the craziness would start all over again. Am I addicted to that in some way?
It looks like I’m going to make it through NC this time but I’m very unhappy and miss the assclown. It’s left a huge void and hole in my heart. This is the first time I’ve ever been involved with someone like this and I really fell very hard for him.
NML says: Right, the difficulty here is that:
1) You are losing sight of your perspective2) You’re focused on the wrong things3) You want him to feel like you do and not be able to move on so quickly4) You’re not seeing him as he is
This is what speaks volumes to me:
“I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM who had all the qualities in a man that I ever wanted except for the fact that he’s an assclown but you know what I mean. He is funny, smart, great to be with, handsome, etc. Everyone I meet pales in comparison. I miss the intimacy and easy flow of being in a relationship.”
What are you comparing him to? Men that cheat and lie double the amount that he does?
What qualities could this man have that are so wonderful that it outweighs the fact that he’s an assclown? I’ve heard of the whole glass is half full mentality but this is waaaay off! Let’s take them one by one:
Funny – Go see a comedian. Personally, I don’t see what’s so funny about being with an uncommitted man, who cheats and is a barefaced liar. Funny doesn’t make a boyfriend. It’s nice to have, great even, but in the context of the relationship, if he doesn’t back up that sense of humour with an all round good character that has both feet in the relationship, who gives a monkey’s about the fact that he can make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
Smart – He’s smart alright…just not in the way that you mean…. You played detective, caught him red handed, and he still lied. I’ll give him credit where credit is due though – he is smart enough to have recognised that you will accept his crappy behaviour and love him regardless. He’s also smart enough to realise that there are a hell of a lot of women out there that don’t value themselves enough to realise that he’s a toxic, waste of space. He’s already with another one…
Great to be with – No he’s not – you just want the semblance of a relationship more than you want him. You adore the shallow things about him that you think boost you as a person.
Handsome – Seriously? A handsome, funny, cheating, lying, uncaring, uncommitted assclown. Hmm, handsome on the outside, ugly on the inside? Is this really that important to you?
I miss the intimacy and easy flow of being in a relationship – Sex is not the same as relationship intimacy especially when he’s shagging two of you at the same time. The relationship and him have no substance. It can’t have been that intimate – he had one foot out and was playing away! ‘Easy flow – what easy flow? Yes it’s easy if you accept the guy on his terms but really, you just want to be in a relationship. Period. But as he has demonstrated, quality is of prime importance.
The qualities that are of prime importance to you are of no value to your relationship without character, values, and an actual foundation to your relationship. In choosing superficial qualities…you’ve ended up with a distinctly superficial relationship…
You did end the relationship but you you don’t like what he has done since ending it. You haven’t moved on so you don’t feel he should move on. You’re suffering so he should be suffering.
It just doesn’t work like that.
If he didn’t mirror how you felt when you were in the relationship with him, why would he do it now that it’s over?
What I sense is that you ended the relationship but you didn’t really want to even though you knew that you should. You sound helpless and defeated and already are in the mindset of feeling like you’d cave if he came back into your life.
She hasn’t ‘won’ anything. She’s not the issue and from where I’m sitting, this guy is far from being a prize.
The guy cheated on you with someone else. Even when you confronted him, he lied. He has betrayed you but what concerns me is that whilst you are upset about the betrayal, you’re more upset about the fact that he’s currently with her and that you still love him.
Be very careful of cutting contact to get a reaction and to try to get him to do what you want. He will see right through this and if you’re cutting contact with hope that he’ll come crawling back, you’re on a destructive path.
You need to work out why you want to be with him and why you want a cheat? His deceitfulness speaks volumes – why hasn’t that changed how you feel? Why haven’t you got angry? Why have you instead spent time obsessing about her when you should have been thinking about how to move on from this mess?
This should be a case of ‘I loved him but he betrayed me in a way that is unacceptable. My heart hurts, and I miss “him” but I realise that my heart has not caught up with the reality of him and that for my own benefit, I need to stay away from him because he is a liar and a cheat. More importantly, he has moved on which means that I have to move on.”
You can choose to stay as you are and focus on the wrong things, but your life is going to be at standstill and he’s going to be getting on with his life. If you’re serious about no contact and serious about treating yourself with love and respect, recognise that of course it hurts – you broke up and he betrayed you, but that you are taking care of you, the pain will subside, and you will only see him as he really is.
He has made no real attempts to get in touch – this in itself speaks volumes. When a man is already out the door and started a new relationship, it is a neon sign that something was very wrong and that regardless of whether your heart has caught up with the reality, to pine for this mofo would be highly destructive because you want a man that doesn’t want you and doesn’t value. If he thinks the relationship is over and has moved on, why don’t you think it’s over?
You are ‘addicted’ to the cycle of behaviour with him – it is likely that when more time of no contact has passed than before that the reality will kick in. He didn’t just start to have one toe in the relationship when he cheated – he’s always had one toe in it from when you both started this cycle of breaking up to get back together.
Stay strong…and don’t take up the relegation offer of being the Other Woman if he tries to come creeping back. I know how these guys work…
Your thoughts?
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I will tell you what worked for me when a guy I was quite taken to behaved like s***. Amazing four months and then the BS began. I dumped him and cut him off, against the advices of people who love me but didn’t know how much it hurt.
I started obsessing then I realized that if I could go through the phases of grief without any contact I was saved. It worked!!! IT WORKED!
Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger (oh yes), Depression, Acceptance and Hope.
I went through with it, stopped a few times without contact, removed him from Facebook, MSN, Skype, deleted pictures, text messages, even his phone numbers from my mobile (it takes quite a few seconds to digit a phone number if you don’t have it already in your phonebook even if you know his number by heart, and in those seconds you can make the right decision), hide presents and memories, avoided places we’ve been together: the lot and a few months later suddenly one day I saw the light, that he’s a waste of space and I’m damn lucky to be rid of him.
That worked for me!
This website reminds me that I am not alone and has answered so many questions that I have about myself, relationships and how EUM’s operate. It does get better. I still think about him but through NC I’ve realises that I missed, excused and tolerated so many red flags.
Anne, you are not physically with him but you are still with him emotionally, which delays your healing. Focus on YOU and not him. I know what I’m talking about! I would wonder why, how come, perhaps, then it dawned on me that I was still allowing him to sap my energy and my joy.
My heart still loves the clown and my body craves his touch, but my mind is angry at his behaviour and his cheek. I don’t care how good he was in bed, how much I miss and love him or how much “potential” the relationship may have, I will NOT accept his lousy treatment of me. So I am prepared to suffer through the discomfort of getting accustomed to not having him in my life. Oh wait! He was never really in!
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Oh God, NML, this was so helpful !
Every single point of it really hit home.
Every day in answering these posts as you do, you teach me how it feels to have self-esteem and to think like someone who likes herself and is healthy.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
It stops the false thinking and self wounding, and has me belieivng in my value.
What a difference this blog has made in my life. I cannot tell you enough how invaluable the accuracy and clear-headedness of what you think and how you say it is…
Gratefully,
Loving Annie
Anne, I almost think that we were with the same guy! hahaha.. But seriously, I and many others reading this site are right there with you. In fact, one time after I confronted my clown about the cheating and he finally came clean (sort of, in a jackass, full-of-excuses way), I said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I’m addicted to you.” And I felt addicted. I don’t want to ever see him again, but I still think about him quite a bit. I’ve now been NC for almost three months. The hole in your heart doesn’t go away overnight, but the pain, frustration and embarrassment of being betrayed and treated like crap does lessen over time, and I know it will only get easier and easier. I would recommend changing your screen name and whatever online and then telling only the people that you like your new name so that you don’t have to see him online. I have to drive by my clown’s house every day on my way to work, and believe me, it still hurts to see her car in the driveway. But as time goes by, you WILL start to care less. This isn’t the time to date – take as much time as you need to heal the hurt and work on yourself before you start trying to meet new guys.
I feel all of your pain. I started out as the only woman with my EUM and ended up as the OW. I finally decided to get serious and break it off. I was ok for the first few days, and now i feel like i can hardly function,
I agree with BBP, time really does heal. Just stick to NC, focus on getting to a better place mentally and emotionally, forgive yourself, and just keep it movin’!!! 🙂
NML great post today thank you. I saw my ex last night for the first time in weeks by saw I ran into him not we got together. All I could think was god he looks good, I remember that spark the energy we felt when together. And it was at the gym which is where we always used to go together. At one point I tried to smile at him as he walked by and he stared past me as if I did not exist. this guy who said I was amazing, and wanted to be with me… now acts like I am the enemy.
And all I could think was “why the new girl and not me?” I sat at home wondering should I call? should I write? Because I want to tell him how I realized how awful I was to be with but then I think, well he wasn’t so great either. But the thing is I justify his behaviour by saying “well it’s really hard to deal with my clingy posessive ways…” But can one drive a person to become a liar and a cheater?
I don’t have proof that my EUM cheated that’s the other thing… I know something was not right and there is evidence but I often can’t get angry because he was so good at lying I never had proof just my gut knew he was hiding a lot of stuff.
This post was a good reminder to me that I am only remembering the nice times we had but in the end he was pretty awful to me. The hard part is that spark and the “good times” and how they do not seem as easily recreated with “nice guys.” Why is that? Well maybe it’s just not the one… for me I find I am rarely physically attracted to many men, I think because I am not trying to establish true intimacy. I meet guys I liked but don’t feel any real passion. There he was last night I just wanted to go over and grab him and never let him go. And as you say why? Why can’t I get angry???
And it’s partly because I am looking in the mirror and realizing how controlling I can be and so I kind of wonder if he was as bad as I thought, or was it just that I made demands that no one could meet?
Anne – I know exactly how that feels. I went through several off and on cycles with that loser. Before, I’d cut contact because I knew I should, but I never wanted to do it deep down inside because I was still very attached to him. I didn’t feel good during the off times even if I was the one to end things and would want him to come crawling back to me; he did each time, and I was happy initially, and the on cycle was back on. But you know what, the only changes he made were for the worse – treating me worse, that is. Before during the off times, I was also incapable of dating other guys. I met several, but thought they were all less smart, less cute, less ______ than the assclown. I was thinking about him constantly. Needless to say, none of my dates worked out.
This time (over a month ago), I began to see the REAL him, and I actually WANT to leave; I’m not just leaving because I think I should. I’m starting to see just how horrible he treated me and how much crap I had put up with, and I think, WTF was I thinking?!
Time heals. Keep reading this site, it will give you the objectivity and mental clarity. As you heal more, your heart will be more open to dating new guys. But it takes time.
NML – I loved this quote of yours: ‘I loved him but he betrayed me in a way that is unacceptable. My heart hurts, and I miss “him†but I realise that my heart has not caught up with the reality of him and that for my own benefit, I need to stay away from him because he is a liar and a cheat.’
Dazed, he walked past you like you didn’t exist, don’t contact him, don’t make yourself his doormat, please.
I have a feeling he did not acknowlegde you to avoid a confrontation.
You will never get the answers from him, put it past you and move on, heal.
Hi,
I need a bit of help.
The guy I like is my roommate. I told him tonight I was attracted to him and he said he liked me but not in that way. I feel hurt of course but the thing is he’s teasing me saying what about (blah another guys name) everyone say’s he’s perfect for you. The guy he says this about is a depressive alcoholic and the guy I like knows I do not like him. why is he teasing me this way. I think it is to take the edge of this moment, but to be honest It makes me feel ugly. I have toldhim never to speak the name of this guy to me and why is he being so cruel. I am being strong and laughing it off but now I’m alone I’m crying buckets. Thing is the other guy (depressive alcoholic) often comes out with us and sticks close by and people think he is my partner. I’m devastated.
Help. I don’t know what to think or say or how to get past this.
Dazed – I’ve been out at bars where “he” was before and he’s done just the same thing – – never made eye contact, looked right past me to talk to or wave to someone behind me. He’s told me later on, after those incidents when we had reconciled, that he knew what he was doing but that he didn’t know what to do or didn’t want to talk and get into it with me so he just ignored me. Him not even acknowledging you is equal parts hostile, equal parts cowardly and he probably knows that subconsciously. I suggest you do exactly the same thing he does if you see him again – don’t even look at him. It’s just an extension of No Contact. I haven’t seen “him” in months but I know I will eventually, and I plan to not even look at him, either. He doesn’t even deserve to be looked at for the things he’s put me through.
Thanks. I have done fairly well. He started bringing his new girl around to our gym and I ignored him just the same and did not react or lash out. I was quite proud of myself. Last night I had just had a long day and saw him and thought “how did it get to this.” I am regretting the fact that a large part of this animosity is due to me lashing out in pain at the end. I didn’t say anything ridiculous or call him names, I simply got angry when he dumped me that I had never stood up for myself for all those times he lied and finally let him have it. It looked petty and pissed him off.
Last night I was just out of anger and the energy to fight and just wanted to say let’s put this past us it’s ridiculous. But he holds grudges, he does the same thing with his ex before me. All I could remember last night were the good times and how he said the loveliest things about me, I just wonder how it gets to this point. I wish when he dumped me I had just disappeared off the face of the earth and dealt with it more gracefully so that at least now when we see each other we could be courteous. Now it’s just a constant reminder when I see him and that we can’t speak of the damage I caused at the end. It was likely warranted so why should I regret? I keep thinking “then we could be friends?” but really, had I stayed silent and never told him how awful he was to me could I have been his friend anyhow? All I would ever think was you are a doormat letting this person back in. I am letting him have the control when really it should be me saying we are not speaking because you do not deserve to speak to me.
I think the problem is some of us don’t think we’ll ever love again. It makes us hold tight to a toxic relationship because it’s what we know. I’ve gone through so many changes after cutting contact with my xEUM…but I think I’m finally starting to get angry. I don’t obsess over him like I did, even one week ago. Time is starting to heal my heart.
The anger feels better then sadness. I put so much into the relationship and I feel like he kicked me in the teeth. He never appreciated how good I was to him and always took me for granted. His loss.
Dazed, I must admit to being a bit confused. Yes you got angry and no it may not have portrayed you in the best light, but how do you still manage to romanticise him and why is it that there is a lack of animosity from you? Your behaviour doesn’t cancel out his – your last outburst was unexpressed anger and frustration and now your regret it because it sounds like you want to be in his life and you want to be in his. It’s like you have decided to erase his poor behaviour and focus on unimportant highlights for a man who lacks character and depth. The first thing you should be asking yourself is why do you give a hoot that this guy is annoyed with you? Then ask yourself why you’re not annoyed with him.
You didn’t cause the damage, you just got the guts to give him a taste of his own medicine. What’s worse, the person who day by day damages someone with lies, manipulations and disappointments – a little piece at at time until there is no semblance left to the original person, or the person who is finally fed up and pushes back? By the time we got to that point all that force of hurt they created was built up into something angry and ugly. I said and did some nasty things that I’m not proud of – things that I thought I would never do, but I know I never would have gotten to that place without him driving me to it. The only reason it got so bad in the end is because the plug didn’t get pulled at the first, second or even third sign of serious danger. I regret, too, and I have wondered how it got to this point. But it got that way, at least for me, because he pushed and molded and shaped me into a corner I didn’t want to be in, even if part of me thought I did – a needy, anxious, weak person. Lashing out is only natural.
Also, wanting the power to be the person who doesn’t speak to the other is empowering – but I don’t have that either – he told me never to call him again. And I’m starting to be ok with that, because really, if it was the other way around he would just keep contacting until I broke down and talked to him – to try to be friends. The loss of power sucks, but he is inadvertently doing me a favor. It makes NC all that much easier, because at least he is just gone and I can lick my wounds and move on, rather than be stuck in that craziness.
Hey I’m a man…Whoa !! Don’t throw anything at me!! This is a great blog for both sides, well done. I’ll be passing this on to many people I know who have been through the pain. Really well done stuff.
hi all,
I’ve been reading this blog now for about a month now. I have had two relationships with EUMs/assclowns and I am through. My first was with a man i met when in my late 20’s. He was “amazing” and I was stricken. I had decided to begin dating again after being in a 4year relationship with a man I had outgrown and left. I spent four years “doing me.” I finished law school, graduated, took my Bar exam, started working, found a great apartment and wanted a man in my life. I was 28 and thought this was the perfect time to find “the one” and get married….and then I met him. I did everything wrong… I fell hard, had sex way too soon, and allowed him into my life and bed without knowing anything about him or his intentions. He was the ultimate EUM, always “working” never had time to do anyting with me or for me, but f**k me… he always had time for that. He never respected my boundaries and I never really enforced them…I wanted the idea of him and me together sooooo much that i refused to see him for the low life/ EUM that he was. I allowed this man in my life even when I knew (and ladies we KNOW, we do, we just don’t want to accept, but we know) he was never going to change. He gave me nothing other than a veneral diesease (not HIV, thankfully) and lied when I confronted him about it. Please know that the rollercoaster ride that we allow these men to put us on is not worth your life….these men lie and cheat and you don’t know who they have been with and what they may have that they can bring back to you. It could kill you. I finally grew a pair myself and left him in 2005 after two and one half years of on again off again bullshit and moved to another state so I would not ever have to see him again. In typical EUM behavior he still calls me every once in a while to “check up” on me. At first I used to respond, until I figured out that his contacting me was a form of control, so now I don’t respond and I never call him. I saw him recently and I felt absolutely nothing…not even hate. So, yes the pain does go away (I went to therapy after leaving this asshole) and you do heal and it is hard, but you will get through it. He didn’t deserve my love and this fool does not deserve yours. The secon EUM i met just two months ago. He blew realy hot, showered me with attention, compliments, and made me believe he was very much available for nearly two months. He cooked for me and tried to make love to me, but I told him no that it was still too soon and that I was on my cycle. He was not in the least bit perturbed, we spent the night together (no sex) and ad brunch in the morning. I left and have not heard from him since and it’s been a month. And you know what, I could give a flying F**k if he calls. His ACTIONS speak louder than anything his words. He stooped calling which means he doesn’t want me and I don’t want any man who doesn’t want me. So, it can me done, you can heal and you can get over these assclowns, you can learn to love yourself first and DEMAND that he treats you with respect, you can see those red flags and have the guts to say “you know what…you’re not good for me.” and step. I did it and it was torture to leave the first EUM, but I did and I love myself for the strength I found. You will find the strength to do it too. He is so not worth it, he is soooooo not worth you. He is soooo not worth it. I can’t say it enough.
Thank Kissie,,,
your mail realllyhelps. I liked my roomate before he moved in and I
decided i would do the flirting with no physical stuff until I new him more, and I’m gladI waited. Only a bruised ego to deal with.
The first redflag came along and thats when I decided to ask him straight out cause I didn’t want to get into that dead end justifying his bad behaviour.
I figured if he liked me he would never have done this. I told him I realized he wasn’t interested in me cause if he was he wouldn’t have done what he did. So good now I don’t have to do anything for him anymore. I’m keeping it for me.
Thanks!
Kissie… you are amazing!
Great post…
It does take time and its easy to think everything was good and great but when you look hard enough even what you were calling the great times were probably tinged with doubt that it would stay that way. I look back and remember this weekend i went away with my EUM and even though it was great I wanted out ..sounds contradictory but looking honestly at these great times may help..
Time does help.. though the process is slow in the end you do see the truth..
thanks,
I’m glad my story could be of help. I’ve learned alot from you all as well. Let’s all keep up the good work of learning to love and respect ourselves first and foremost.
Kissie:
You ROCK.
🙂
Kissie, you handled both situation very well. The first dude calling you once in a while – yes, this was about control, he was trying to keep the door open – just in case he may need you one day!
The second dude, good riddance!! SO glad you didn’t waste time with him and never take his call.
King, great to see a another man post, what is your male opinion about this situation??
Anne, you said: “When he tells you that he wants to break up versus when he treats you badly till YOU break up!â€â€¦â€¦ was right on as usual.”
I thought he wanted to keep BOTH of you, so why do you think he wanted you gone?? Can you explain?
Dazed, you say “our” gym, but really it is “the” gym.
Why do you want to be friends with him? Doesn’t look like he wants it, does it?? Here is what I am thinking – and I don’t want to hurt your feelings –
being friends (control) with him will allow you to keep tabs on him, knowing what he is doing, knowing when he breaks up with the girlfriend and you will move in the second he does. Don’t do that to yourself or the cycle starts over.
He may be an assclown, but the damage is beyond repair, do you really think that he would put himself thru this drama with you again?
And why do you want him? You are a very strong person – I can tell by your posts – why do you want him BACK?
I am not sure he would even do that being totally desperate for a woman, even the biggest jerk knows what to avoid.
I have the feeling that you are making this all about yourself not taking him into “consideration”, not that he deserves it!
You can’t force anything, normal dude or EUM!
This sentence of yours really stands out to me: “I am letting him have the control when really it should be me saying we are not speaking because you do not deserve to speak to me.
You smiled at him at the gym? Why?
How does he have control and why should it be you saying you don’t deserve speaking to me? Why don’t you take that control? By not talking to him you are TAKING the control, but by wanting to be his friend you are trying to give him the control and you are so upset right now that he doesn’t WANT that control.OMG, I even confused myself just writing this.
You are beating a dead horse, leave it alone, I am personally not a big fan of therapy, (maybe you just need a really good girlfriend to kick your behind) but you may want to look into this, because your control issues will interfere with any relationships – normal dudes or assclowns. Stop making this a game that you are trying to win!
I know that you “hate” me from my previous posts, but believe me, if I would totally not care about your situation, I would not have posted.
I just want to give you my opinion to help you a little bit to get over your obsession with him, but you also know “control issues” bring on problems with anybody in your life, not just men, friends, coworkers, bosses and so on.
You know what works best? Loving your damn self sistas!!
I too have an EUM that I left back in July ’08…He was actually a slip backwards after having been EUM free for several years!!! I cried for weeks, over him and angry and ashamed with myself for doing falling for an EUM, again!! B
But then, as I practiced NC……Ya know what I realized sistas?
The reason the relationship with AssClown was so breezy, so easy, so seductive, so sexually wonderful is because it was an illusion. You can have the best relationship ever if it’s your imagination!!
The reality was, for whatver reason, I didn’t respect or love myself enough to realize how poorly I was being treated. Thank God it was only 6 months!! His mistreatment of me that felt so right was negatively feeding that part of me that needed to be treated like a jerk, he provided that in spades…..the illusion was delicious, his “love” felt real, but it was all just me in the end….all in my mind.
To be honest, I can’t even be bothered understanding the damn fool!! Girls, right now I am working on me. Loving me, celebrating me, and figuring out just what the fuck made me pause for that AssClown. I may fumble in the future and pick another idiot but you can damn well believe this woman right here won’t have no mercy for fools!
I forgave myself a couple months ago when I realized that in all of the past 20 years of various relationships, the 6 months with the EUM was the fastest WAKE-UP and ACTION (dumping him) that I ever did. I really do love myself. I stumbled but I didn’t fall. Damn it feels good.
Can I get two snaps and a handclap?? 🙂
I give you two snaps and a handclap California you go girl.
Yes, the illusion IS ‘our’ love, we just have to turn it back in to ourselves, it was ours to begin with, we don’t have to give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Thanks!!!!
And I thank Kissie for my strengthening mantra, I will say it a hundred times a day,
I will say it every time his face comes to my mind, I will say it every time I feel a twinge of emotion, whether it be sadness, anger, kind reflection, sorrow, yearning, hope…
“I don’t want any man who doesn’t want me”. And this will be my food to feed my self love. I put the brass bra on and will not feed any man that does not want me!!
BBP– My EUM told me never to contact him either. We were in touch for a bit where I could call and he would answer and we would talk for an hour or so. Then it got ugly. He would just be crass and cruel on the phone and I lost it. I think it’s the control issue that bothers me that he finally said don’t call me.
NML– I am confused too 🙂 It’s not that I am able or want to forgive all his bad behaviour. He did lie a few times in the relationship I guess my issue was that by the time we broke up where he said he just needed time, space and wanted to be friends I was so upside down I didn’t believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. I felt that he would just say anything to placate me BUT I also have gone to counselling and realized that by the end I was a basket case with abandonment issues who was paranoid and out of control emotionally. While he did do some bad things, I blew up and then he of course didn’t want to be around me. So I just wish I could have taken some space to at least seen what would have really happened. Instead as he said to me one day all I did was solidify his decision to break up with me. I am wondering now if he really did mean it that he needed to go and clean up his old mess before he could be with me. Maybe with time I would have found out he isn’t this horrible person, but that our relationship just didn’t work because we were both in bad places incapable of commitment. Instead, he had just caused so much damage at the end even if he meant it that we would be friends I couldn’t do it… I had so much hurt and anger towards him.
I wish we could have come to a point like I have with my other exes where we would say sorry that went so badly. Instead, with this person I can never speak to him again because it got to a destructive place. I am just not sure some days if I saw him as this monster because I was just so hurt at the end, and really I just wasn’t accepting his decision to break it off which was within his right. Either way, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. He said we could be friends, I blew up at him, he said we can’t be friends and I said see you were lying. I just wonder what would have happened if I had kept my cool. I at least didn’t want to be enemies or drop to his level.
He is responsible for his own actions… those I can’t control. But I know at the end I was so afraid of finding out that his whole “I’m coming back for you I care about you” was just more lines, that I had to create the destruction to push him away and make sure he did not come back or find myself sitting pretty and realizing that he never meant it only to be in more pain. Now I just wonder what would have been… but I know if he’d come back I would have taken him.
Hi Astelle… thank you for saying you don’t want to hurt my feelings as I know we have butted heads on here before 🙂 To be honest I don’t think it’s about control it’s about validation. I can’t stand not being liked. I can’t stand that when this guy met me he said “who is that” to our mutual friend, told me I was the most amazing woman he had ever met and now wants nothing to do with me. I want him to break down and not be able to live without me! I know it’s very egotistical and silly. Even after we broke up he said “you need to remember how amazing you are.” And I wanted to scream “ya so amazing that you are leaving me!!!”.
It’s that feeling that he’s just done with me, that I want to get back in his good books but NML is right why should I care and why should he not be clamering to get back in to mine? And it’s because I am honest about myself and the damage I did, he does not see his or care to fix it or worry what I think. I can admit that I wanted us to be friends so I could say “see how relaxed and not clingy I am now and how cool I can be?” Trust me I keep reminding myself that I should be that way to a new guy who deserves it… I just hate knowing that my enemy has seen this horrible side of me. It makes me feel vulnerable. So yes actually I can see how that appears as control… it’s about trying to control the way he sees me.
Oh and Astelle I just got to the bottom of your post sorry I missed this before… I do not “hate” you at all. You are absolutely right about my control issues it’s just hard to see a stranger pick up on them.
I think you are lovely for taking the time to write all that to me I feel badly that you got the impression I hate you. Just to let you know, it’s been over a month since I have contacted him and that post the other day from when I saw him at the gym was just a bad day where I happened to see him. I am really working on me, doing a lot of reading about my control issues, talking to my girlfriends openly about me and getting feedback. I have made a list about what I would like in my life, I miss the spark I had with him but I know he is not for me.
Even my parents and I had a long conversation about it the other day because I have grown up in a very controlling household and I told them we need to start establishing some boundaries there as well. I am the youngest and despite living 4 hours apart, they still manage to involve themselves in my life, and like with my EUM I let them.
So please don’t worry about your control issue comments. They only upset me before because I feel the more I see my faults the less I am able to see his and the more I regret having lashed out at him.
Dazed, you sound much like me. I highly recommend reading (for everyone actually) “The Drama of the Gifted Child.” Contrary to the title, it is all about how our controlling parents and tough family situations shaped us when we were young, which is why we need to explain, analyze and control everything in our adult lives. It really helped me understand, forgive the past and make some big changes in my life.
This really hit home for me….NML wrote…”Be very careful of cutting contact to get a reaction and to try to get him to do what you want. He will see right through this and if you’re cutting contact with hope that he’ll come crawling back, you’re on a destructive path.” I did this so many times and although I thought I was doing NC now to end it. I thought I was grieving the end of the relationship, but a part of me is still waiting to see if he is going to contact me instead of moving on…I’m still in a lot of pain…Some days are easier than others. Even though these guys aren’t worth it…I still gave my heart and it still takes time to get over it…it was still some type of relationship.
I’m feeling lonely and need some advice……thank you!
Hi Finally Seen the Light, no advice here, I’m just joining you in the feeling lonely part. I’m actually hoping/wondering the same things you are, and even NML was not abs sure I was making the NC choice for the right reasons. Don’t all of us hope they come back in an available form, at least at first?
It’s coming up on Thanksgiving, which was always really happy time for me and him and his family. It is sinking in that I am going to be alone where last year this holiday I was surrounded by family who loved me, as I them. So I lost him, and EU or not, he was my best friend, and I lost his family as well.
How long are you NC? Mine was not a cheater, just your typical Convenient One With Both Feet Set In Cement.
Regina – Oh trust me, now that I know the ‘full story’ or should I say, more info than was provided with that comment where I doubted your actions, I know that NC is the absolutely right option.
Finallyseenthelight – I hope that you are OK 🙂 Listen, NC is hard. Breaking up is but combined with NC, you will have good days and bad. We equate the fact that we’re in pain with it being a signal that it must mean we want them back or we were right to be in the relationship – it’s not. Pain is not love, it is pain. It takes a while for the reality of NC to catch up with your mindset. There are people that break it off with their guy to ‘manipulate’ (and I use this loosely) their guy into doing what they want (they rarely do btw) but for most people doing NC that have taken the time to think about what they are doing, you are not 100% there in terms of not hoping he won’t come back, but for most, when they decide to do NC, they know enough to know it’s a path that they have to go down. You experience self-doubt and go through the period of self-blame, and you will certainly go through a period of thinking ‘I know better’ ‘My guy is different’. Let me tell you something – you may not see it now, but if you got to the point of doing NC, whether you were fully in it or not, your guy is not different. People in fairly average relationships don’t have to do NC. They break up, go through the process, and get on with their lives and move on. Relationships where NC results have two people who have problems with inaction and committing.
Nobody is saying it doesn’t take time – it does. You did give your heart but where you will turn a corner is if you go through the pain and the grieving and keep it real.
You’ve been here before several times with poor results – you actualy know what will happen if you take him back.
If you keep getting the same result from doing the same action, it means you have to do something differently – yours is a bit like putting your hand in the fire, getting burnt repeatedly, feeling in pain, and then thinking about putting your hand back in again – at some point you will realise that actually, you need to stop putting your hand in the fire because it still burns in the same way and is piling on more damage.
Be upset but get real and move towards the anger stage because it means one thing – progress. Spending lots of time focusing on him and the fact you gave your heart will just cause you to stagnate.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-ten-commandments-of-coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-series/
NML,
Terrific advice!!!!
NML I am a bit confused by your latest comments… what do you mean that the average relationship does not require NC? I would say from anyone I have talked to, that did not have the destructive relationship and break up that I did that they said they believed NC was needed right after… do you mean that most people don’t make contact but it doesn’t come with this tough addiction and withdrawal period that we are going through? As in people just deal with the break up more naturally and are capable of recognizing it’s good that it’s over and moving on?
I also really like your comment about pain somehow meaning that we care or that it shouldn’t be over. I did not tell my EUM I loved him when with him, and actually felt I didn’t when with him. He was not someone you could love… I just always knew there was a lack of affection or just some void between us. But now that we are broken up I keep thinking “oh my god I love him though he’s for me…” Ridiculous isn’t it… That pain in my chest, that void, I am equating with love this intense emotional feeling. So thanks for reminding me that if I didn’t feel it when with him, it’s silly that I should think now that I am not with him that I have magically fallen in love with him.
Dazed, the average relationship does not require NC is real simple, I broke up with a guy (not EUM) after 4 months of dating – we broke up – it is over, PERIOD. He is not trying to contact me, I am not trying to contact him because it is OVER.
He told a mutual friend of mine, months later, that I am a great woman and too bad that we could not make a connection. That is it.
No hidding agendas, no games, just over.
I did not have to go NC with him, there was no reason to do that, because he is a “normal” man and he understands “over”.
Now, with the EUM I was “dating”, ending up chasing his stupid a** and I am still embarrassed about it, I HAD to go NC to remove MYSELF from this situation, if not, there would still be contact – can you see the difference??
O.K., I never had the break up talk or told fim off in any kind of way or tried to make him “see” (puke) that I am the right woman for him, I just went Poof, like he had done to me over and over.
Now, going NC and wondering what he will do, is so pointless.
Please, walk away from him..
Finallyseenthelight can totally relate to what you are saying about being alone.. it is my b’day soon and on my last birthday my EUM totally spoiled me. my other EUM wouldn’t even remember it was my birthday.. so it felt good but now this up and coming birthday is back to how it was… I guess we just have to find a way to get through it and Im looking to find something else to do… Hope Thanksgiving goes okay for you..
Tulipa, I don’t remember your story, you are “dealing” with 2 EUM’S??????
Hi Astelle, In a way I deal with two EUMs but only one in the capacity that we have a child together.. I didn’t know about EUMs way back then or have as much understanding of myself as I do now..It was this EUM who would forget my birthday.. After a long period of not dating I decided to get back on the horse but found myself with yet another EUM but even though I knew he was EUM thought I’d go with it anyway silly me.. Anyway he gave me a great birthday remembered it and everything was so nice to be treated differently but because circumstances have changed .. most of my writing about my situation is on “emotionally unavailable does that mean hes just not into you?”. I haven’t quite kicked this EUM to the curb but I’m sure I will… Sounds like things are going well for you…can’t imagine trying to cope with two EUMs at once …
Just to say.,..this time last year I didn’t think I could breath a normal breath of air. A year on I can say thanks to this sight I am so happy to have learnt everything from you all. I can protect myself for the first time in myn life and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words, your encouragement, your wisdom and for giving me a place to come to when I don’t quite understand.
Birthdays and thanks giving..I wish you a Happy happy birthday and a happy thanks giving, see you’re not alone I’m here too. but if this helps, something I learnt when going through a nasty divorce with an evil monster. Alone if you break the word up is ‘all-one’ , it helped me gather the pices off the floor and clue each broken part of me back together. Be a whole person, give yourself the permission to give yourself what no one else can give you ‘YOU” and you very own LOVE!! buy yourself flowers, take yourself out, invite people around you who truly love you, they are the ones to keep close.
Thanks
De
aaah funny… I wrote ‘sigh’t I meant ‘site’… but hey, ‘sight’ works too!!
NML thank you for your words of wisdom. I am feeling better today and I go through the ups and downs. I know I can never go back to him…as you say, I realize if I put my hand in the fire it will get burned. It was easy to trick myself into thinking he was contacting me because he missed me, and I’m sure he did, but he missed me only because of “his needs” and didn’t care about mine or the fact that he was hurting me in the process. It’s also easy to remember the “good times,” but I will focus on the fact that he always put himself first, hurt me over and over, and I deserve much better.
Tulipa…I understand that your birthday will be tough, but you will get through it…We are all cheering for you!!!! ;0)
Hello, Baggage Reclaim readers! I’m fairly new to this site after discovering it when a relationship I had with a friend turned something more went incredibly wrong, and I didn’t understand what the eff was going on. Needless to say, this page has been incredibly helpful! I’ve learned a lot from reading the articles and seeing the discussions happening here. I think it’s great how supportive you all are of each other. From my own recent experiences, I understand how painful and baffling relationships with EUM can be, and the recovery from these situations is so incredibly hard. I still have moments of missing a person who was ultimately a source of pain in my life, but who is no longer a part of it through my own choice. It’s sad to let go of what you wish could have been. But, once you see that you are worth so much more than what was offered, you do it. The good news is that these difficult experiences lead us to learn A LOT about ourselves, and initiate a necessary period of self-growth, albeit extremely painful at times, so we can make healthier and better choices in the future. I write my own personal blog, and while I’m sure the majority of the content has little to do with the topics discussed here, I recently wrote a post on love and relationships that I see touches on a lot of what comes up on this site. If you’re interested, check it out at: . I think it’s important for us to not only know ourselves first, and be clear on what it is we want and need in our relationships, but to notice the opportunities for love (of all types) that are around us every day. I hope you all experience that, and I wish you the best as you continue to grow, heal, and move forward.