A reader has asked “I feel best about myself when I have ongoing flirtations (virtual or otherwise) with a minimum of three men. If one of them flakes, disappoints me, or starts to get boring — I have another lined-up. Does this mean I am a drama seeker?”
There’s looking for love in all the wrong places and there’s looking for attention from..well just about anywhere. Attention is attention regardless of the actual quality of it if you’re doing a spot of attention seeking, you’re either thrill seeking or drama seeking.
A reader has asked “I feel best about myself when I have ongoing flirtations (virtual or otherwise) with a minimum of three men. If one of them flakes, disappoints me, or starts to get boring — I have another lined-up. Does this mean I am a drama seeker?”
There’s looking for love in all the wrong places and there’s looking for attention from..well just about anywhere. Attention is attention regardless of the actual quality of it if you’re doing a spot of attention seeking, you’re either thrill seeking or drama seeking.
Your thoughts?
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I agree with that statement, but thrill seeking shouldn’t involve attention from men or women. I see thrill seeking as something that you physically do, which I guess could involve men or women. I still think it is drama either way. But, I think it is okay if you aren’t looking for anything long term or mature. The problem arises when you are looking for that and you have three people on the line. Most men or women that I meet that have 2 or more men/women pining for them are very insecure and need a lot of attention to make themselves feel good. A very good friend of mine is like this and she is extremely insecure and looks for love through the physical aspect of a relationship and has broken a lot of hearts. Some people just need constant attention and to know that they are wanted and one person just does not fill that need.
Stringing a minimum of three guys -she is refusing to let anyone get close enough to have a relationship. She might be the high school prom queen that refuses to grow up.
She is denying herself the chance to learn what a real relationship can provide. She is also denying herself the chance to learn the skills to keep a relationship alive.
This is about a life-skill – attracting admirers. She continually attracts new admirers instead of finding a responsible partner. This isn’t about drama – she is avoiding tension or any kind of commitment like the plague. Off hand it is difficult to say whether she never moved beyond the teenage ‘cache’ of having multiple dates, or whether she chooses this ‘goal’ to avoid letting anyone close to her. The effect is the same. She doesn’t, at the moment, understand why she should want a long term, intimate, mated relationship.
Guys that will stand in line or let you string them along are not suitable mating material. She should pick a responsible, honorable, dependable man and try to make a go of it. And she should avoid the high school stereotypes.
Ok. So basically everyone, EVERYONE, loves the attention of being flirted with. Everyone loves being wanted.
Insecure? yes. Human? definitely.
Anyone who says they don’t like it when the opposite sex ( or the sex intended) is attracted to them is just plain lying.
However, as ego boosting as it is, it isn’t fair.
For a couple of hours at the pub/bar/school it’s one thing, but to carry it on for any extended period is only one thing. And I really don’t like to be so harsh, but, it’s called a cock-tease.
What you are thinking is empowerment is actually becoming your weakness, or you wouldn’t write a letter of concern about it.
If you are seriously interested in any of these guys, then pare it down, and get over the need for external praise.
See, I am a flirt, an Olympic (though not Beijing baby) flirt.
BUT. I do not overtly and repeatedly flirt with someone I have no intentions of carrying it further with.
That is not playing fair.
If you are interested in one or two of these guys, date them. Honestly and really date them. Otherwise let it go.
And, any man, suitable mating material or not, enjoys being flirted with.
Sorry Brad, but it is a human thing. We enjoy it.
But you have to stop playing games, it isn’t drama, it isn’t a sign of how much you are wanted (cause pretty much it’s shooting fish in a barrel), but it is definitely a sign of needing external praise, therefore insecurity.
I have done this, lived through it, and now I know who to flirt with and who not to.
And more importantly, think for one minute about all the posts and letters and opinions about men who do this exact same thing.
You don’t want to be classified as that do you?
Nope.
I made the switch, from a female EUM (EUF?)to
a woman who can be proud to walk into any bar, any club, any social event and not be the one they whisper about. So can you,
Again, not meant as harsh, just advice from someone 20 yrs older, and maybe (though sometimes not) wiser….
xo
Cheekie, Thanks – I like the way you pointed out the dangers of flirting when you really don’t intend an invitation.
I can also agree that people enjoy attention. And I don’t think it always means you are insecure.
One way to know you are in a relationship, is that you notice attention from people, but respond to attention from the one special one. The more committed you are to your partner, the less you pay attention to guys trying to flirt.
And that ‘drawing in’ had better happen, or you will be cheating on yourself and the relationship. No one can resists someone provocative, someone persistent. The only reason people stay together is they stop noticing – stop seeing – and stop inviting advances from outsiders.
And the change isn’t painful. Other issues and opportunities and problems and joys fill your awareness, so there is less and less time or interest in noticing ‘other guys that aren’t picking up their dirty clothes’.
With experience, once you find that special someone, you will actually choose to avoid anyone that makes advances. It saves trouble and loss of respect. Remember, there is something wrong (EUM) with someone hitting on a person currently in a relationship.
It’s definitely accurate to say that men and women flirt with 3+ partners in order to get validated. Physically attractive people who are insecure do this all the time to maintain the belief that they’re attractive.
However, from the player’s perspective, you keep multiple flirtations around for exactly the reason that the writer said…in case someone flakes or disappoints. One of our principles is to “live in a state of abundance” and have options. I believe in this and I think it’s a healthy way to go, provided you do it correctly. The focus is definitely NOT on personal validation or collecting notches. If you have options, you’re secure and confident, and if you’re those things, you’re healthy.
Just be open about it and tell your partner(s) that you’re dating around.
Also, Brad, I disagree with your last line on hitting on someone in a relationship. Often times you don’t know if someone is attached, so you have to flirt around to find out. It’s part of the “game” so to speak. Would I hit on a girl standing next to her boyfriend? Probably not, but if she was out with girlfriends I sure would. There’s nothing wrong with playing the game just for the sake of playing.
I think it was the line from the letter ‘or just gets boring’ that set my mind in the unhealthy direction. If it is just flirting, and everyone involved is unattached, then yes, it’s fine.
As long as it’s honest.
Flirting is fun. Definitely.
I agree with Lance, sometimes you just have no idea someone is in a relationship, and if you unwittingly flirt and they flirt back, well, that’s when it isn’t so healthy and cool. Depending on the flirt level of course. In my experience, half the time it is the attached guys flirting with me…but my radar is pretty finely honed.
The reader didn’t specify how in-depth this flirting gets, so it’s very hard to say.
For arguments sake, I am going to assume it’s the benign casual flirting she is talking about.
And as long as it is all just fun and not cock-teasing, yes it can be healthy.
What’s the line? Well, if you flirt, he flirts back. You get more suggestive in your flirt, or he does, and you respond, but you have no intention of carrying it further? That’s not fun, that’s not harmless…that’s just having a false sense of what empowerment is. Leave them wanting more, for sure, but not to the point of blue balls…