queue of puppet peopleRachel asks “Two years ago I started having an affair with a married man. I never thought that I would spend two years with this MM but I fell in love and I listened to the promises he made when we first met and all of the ‘if only’s’. He was the one that pursued me.

I have told him time and again that if he has no intentions of leaving his wife then to leave me alone, but he wouldn’t let our relationship drop, and so I believed he would leave her.

Actually he did leave her about five months ago and he gave me some lame story about how we need to wait a bit because he doesn’t want to give her reason to come after even more of his money and like a fool I believed him. But something didn’t ring true and he wasn’t spending any more time with me, in fact it was less.

And then I discovered that he has a new girlfriend! I am absolutely devastated! He’s not hiding her away and they seem quite serious! But he’s been sleeping with me periodically so I’m still the Other Woman, only this time, it’s not even to his wife!

What should I do? I have invested too much of my time to just walk away but it seems like he only wants me on the side and I want more than that! Why has he chosen her and not me?”

NML says: Dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! This is one of those horrendous situations that I just want to snatch you out of! You are missing the point entirely about what is happening here.

You were with a married man, which means that he was cheating on someone else to be with you. Now that is not the hallmark of an honest man! Dishonesty is dishonesty and you can’t just believe that he’s only dishonest about one thing, and a truthful saint full of integrity with everything else.

Men that cheat are equal opportunity liars. They lie to you to get you on side. They lie to their main woman so that they can have their cake and eat it too. And they lie to themselves so that they don’t have to see themselves for the lying assclowns that they truly are.

Scarily, a lot of men that cheat don’t see their actions as cheating and they rationalise their behaviour.

He’s broken promises but this is his modus operandi. He’s been breaking his marriage to have a good time.

But you are focused on the fact that he has taken up with someone else and are wondering why it’s not you. Why? So you can hurl yourself at the sacrificial alter and try harder to win him?

He sees you in a particular light. For him, you’re ideal for creeping about territory, but not for wheeling out in the open. You’re in the background as an ideal Fallback Girl who will always accept him not matter what he has to offer. It’s almost like he sees YOU as dishonest…but not himself.

Why? Because these men perceive you as setting the tone. You’ve accepted his cheating ways for two years and irrespective of the fact that he has initiated this situation by pursuing you and being dishonest, by falling for him and letting him screw you behind his wifes back, it’s like you’ve failed a test you didn’t know you were taking. AND…even though you know he has a girlfriend, you’re STILL sleeping with him!

By sleeping with a married man, not only when he had a wife, but also when he now has a girlfriend, you are sending the totally wrong messages!

Even in the face of the knowledge that this man has let you down again and has taken up with someone else and relegated you (again) to the Other Woman role, you’re not horrified and telling him to take a run and jump. You’re wondering what the new woman has that you don’t!

Here is the reality: You are the Other Woman and from where I’m sitting, with this guy, it’s the only role you’re ever going to get. Imagine that you’re in a sh*t job where your employer refuses to recognise your contribution and achievements and keeps promoting other people over you. That’s you.

You want the starring role but he has decided which role you’re getting and no amount of hanging around playing the patient Fallback Girl and loving the guy to death is going to change that.

If you’re not careful, ten years could go by and you will be stuck in your role whilst he humiliates you time and again by taking up with woman after woman, but never choosing you.

Exactly how much time and emotion are you prepared to invest before you realise that you’re in negative equity?

You cannot base your decision to walk away based on the fact that two years have gone by, otherwise, no-one would end their relationships.

You need to base your decision to walk away based on YOU and the only way you are going to do this is to tackle your self-esteem and build some.

Women who place themselves in situations like this, seem to have a penchant for gravitating to situations that exacerbate their Second Best issues. It’s like you’re used to hanging in the shadows, fighting for attention, trying to win, trying to prove your worth against another adversary.

But placing yourself in situations like this is actually a self-fulfilling prophecy where you set yourself up to fail and get to continue believing that you’re not good enough.

You’re never going to be more than second best if you assume a permanent position of the Other Woman.

Every single time this man uses you and then goes back to someone else, he is validating every negative thing you believe about you.

You blatantly deserve being more than someone’s piece on the side but you need to learn how to believe it.

Just because these assclowns tell you that it’s all your getting, it doesn’t mean that you have to take it. If you are struggling to leave or to find good enough things in you to leave, I suggest spending some time with a counsellor to help build some strength reserves.

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