I have told him time and again that if he has no intentions of leaving his wife then to leave me alone, but he wouldn’t let our relationship drop, and so I believed he would leave her.
Actually he did leave her about five months ago and he gave me some lame story about how we need to wait a bit because he doesn’t want to give her reason to come after even more of his money and like a fool I believed him. But something didn’t ring true and he wasn’t spending any more time with me, in fact it was less.
And then I discovered that he has a new girlfriend! I am absolutely devastated! He’s not hiding her away and they seem quite serious! But he’s been sleeping with me periodically so I’m still the Other Woman, only this time, it’s not even to his wife!
What should I do? I have invested too much of my time to just walk away but it seems like he only wants me on the side and I want more than that! Why has he chosen her and not me?”
NML says: Dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! This is one of those horrendous situations that I just want to snatch you out of! You are missing the point entirely about what is happening here.
You were with a married man, which means that he was cheating on someone else to be with you. Now that is not the hallmark of an honest man! Dishonesty is dishonesty and you can’t just believe that he’s only dishonest about one thing, and a truthful saint full of integrity with everything else.
Men that cheat are equal opportunity liars. They lie to you to get you on side. They lie to their main woman so that they can have their cake and eat it too. And they lie to themselves so that they don’t have to see themselves for the lying assclowns that they truly are.
Scarily, a lot of men that cheat don’t see their actions as cheating and they rationalise their behaviour.
He’s broken promises but this is his modus operandi. He’s been breaking his marriage to have a good time.
But you are focused on the fact that he has taken up with someone else and are wondering why it’s not you. Why? So you can hurl yourself at the sacrificial alter and try harder to win him?
He sees you in a particular light. For him, you’re ideal for creeping about territory, but not for wheeling out in the open. You’re in the background as an ideal Fallback Girl who will always accept him not matter what he has to offer. It’s almost like he sees YOU as dishonest…but not himself.
Why? Because these men perceive you as setting the tone. You’ve accepted his cheating ways for two years and irrespective of the fact that he has initiated this situation by pursuing you and being dishonest, by falling for him and letting him screw you behind his wifes back, it’s like you’ve failed a test you didn’t know you were taking. AND…even though you know he has a girlfriend, you’re STILL sleeping with him!
By sleeping with a married man, not only when he had a wife, but also when he now has a girlfriend, you are sending the totally wrong messages!
Even in the face of the knowledge that this man has let you down again and has taken up with someone else and relegated you (again) to the Other Woman role, you’re not horrified and telling him to take a run and jump. You’re wondering what the new woman has that you don’t!
Here is the reality: You are the Other Woman and from where I’m sitting, with this guy, it’s the only role you’re ever going to get. Imagine that you’re in a sh*t job where your employer refuses to recognise your contribution and achievements and keeps promoting other people over you. That’s you.
You want the starring role but he has decided which role you’re getting and no amount of hanging around playing the patient Fallback Girl and loving the guy to death is going to change that.
If you’re not careful, ten years could go by and you will be stuck in your role whilst he humiliates you time and again by taking up with woman after woman, but never choosing you.
Exactly how much time and emotion are you prepared to invest before you realise that you’re in negative equity?
You cannot base your decision to walk away based on the fact that two years have gone by, otherwise, no-one would end their relationships.
You need to base your decision to walk away based on YOU and the only way you are going to do this is to tackle your self-esteem and build some.
Women who place themselves in situations like this, seem to have a penchant for gravitating to situations that exacerbate their Second Best issues. It’s like you’re used to hanging in the shadows, fighting for attention, trying to win, trying to prove your worth against another adversary.
But placing yourself in situations like this is actually a self-fulfilling prophecy where you set yourself up to fail and get to continue believing that you’re not good enough.
You’re never going to be more than second best if you assume a permanent position of the Other Woman.
Every single time this man uses you and then goes back to someone else, he is validating every negative thing you believe about you.
You blatantly deserve being more than someone’s piece on the side but you need to learn how to believe it.
Just because these assclowns tell you that it’s all your getting, it doesn’t mean that you have to take it. If you are struggling to leave or to find good enough things in you to leave, I suggest spending some time with a counsellor to help build some strength reserves.
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my comment? what fkig ahole and loser!!!!
Even though my scenario is different there is some good and wise stuff in the reply it has helped me to know what to do with my EUM who I just know is going to play the lets be friends card tomorrow..
If I was in the above situation I would walk away not easy but it could only benefit you …
Very true. Married Men ONLY think abou themselves and their needs and desires. The minute you agree to see them, they know they have control and can call the shots, and have little or no understanding or care for YOUR emotional wants and needs as a woman versus what THEY want.
A man who can lie to his wife can and will lie to you. And does.
A man who can break his marriage vows doesn’t care about breaking promises to you.
A man eselfish enough to have his cake and eat it to (wife and girlfriend) will be selfish enough to still continue to want it all while you only have crumbs – and he won’t care. He’s SELFISH.
Lose this assclown as fast as you can. Do NO CONTACT with nothing but the tersest of one sentence explanations “I’m worth being number number in someone’s life.”
Don’t listen to any pleading, excuses or jerk around buys for time. Dump him. Totally and completely, as if he were a drug and you were going cold turkey. Go to married man A.A. – you’re not addicted to him, you can live without his ego-degrading treatment, where you only occasional get high any more and there are so very many lows.
Rachel,
The guy you write about is dishonest. He broke his marriage, we don’t know his reason, it might have been for you, he might have gotten caught with you or another, or the reasons were completely otherwise. But a broken marriage is *not* a badge of honor. You have spent two years in the bed he used to cheat on his wife, you have personal knowledge of his dishonesty.
Being intimate with dishonest people, whether emotionally dishonest, or legally dishonest (as this guy is), is playing with fire. You have spent two years playing with fire, you have been burned time and again, and keep playing with fire. The question of ‘how do I play with fire and not get burned’, which is what you asked, usually seems simple to those that watch from the sidelines. You either walk away and avoid fires so that you get burned ..
Or you put the fire out. Change him enough that he learns, understands, and believes in a heart-felt relationship, not just a sex fling, and you put the fire out. It will not be a fire any longer if you change him that much. All of his values will be different, and he will need a different woman – one that won’t spend two years playing with fire. Plus, you will still be left with two years of experience playing with fire..
And this is the reason NML’s advise is so poignant – an experienced counselor won’t be distracted by the flames, and can help you also see the flames for what they are. But when we are wrapped up in our feelings, when it seems we are so very close to ‘winning’ that desired and well known partner, we are are sure we just need the right words, another moment of time, and we can begin the rest of our lives in bliss.
When you step back and look at the situation, these two years haven’t been wasted. He didn’t take them from you. You may have believed you were working toward a coupleship relation, and that isn’t much closer today than two years ago. You chose to live around this guy’s life. You have enjoyed moments of his company, you have matured and your life has gone on. Relationshipwise not much has happened, and you dreamed that it would.
In one sense this guy has been helping you to live your dream (still unfilled) of a relationship with him, so you have little to be angry about your choice to wait for him to be an actual man in your life.
But now you are getting tired of getting burned. And the answer isn’t about getting clever about playing with fire. When you want a supporting, trusting, respectful relationship with a responsible and disciplined companion, you need to start with a man of character. And you should understand why you have settled for playing with fire when you seem to want a mate, if you really desire to stop playing with fire.
Brad K., I agree with you 100%. I have issues with EUMs, but I would never get involved with a MM, because it’s so blatantly obvious that if they are looking for a relationship outside of their marriage, there are so many red flags flying that you could never count them! If I try to think of every possible scenario that a MM can try to sell the potential “other woman” to get them to become involved with them, it just doesn’t add up, and the bottom line is the guy is a dishonest jerk. I just can’t see this any other way. I know there are some women who blog on this website about their failed relationships with MMs, and I don’t mean to sound harsh, but what in the heck did they expect? It’s kind of like going up to a snake and wanting to pet it, and then getting upset because it bites you!
FinallyOverIt, I can’t speak for anyone else but when I entered a relationship with a UMM I was naive. I wasn’t even aware that I was entering a relationship… to me it was a one-off. But these chaps know how to suck you in. As I always say, one can only comment when one has been there and done that. To the outside observer it is very easy to see the situation in black and white but sometimes boundaries get blurred and you get closer to a person than you ever intended to.
I had no intention of becoming involved with a UMM. It was so gradual and so slow that one day I literally woke up and realized I had fallen for him. We were friends and he played me and played to my insecurities like a maestro.
There was no one who understood him like I did. There was no one on the planet as sexy as I was. When the time was right, he’d divorce his wife and we’d be together. After 2 years, I got tired of his bullshit. When he forgot my birthday due to some issues he had had with his wife, I finally worked up the courage to dump his ass. That was 6 years ago.
It didn’t take long after I extricated myself from that situation that I began to see the person he really was. He was not a nice person. He was not a cool guy. He was not the love of my life. He was a liar, a cheat and, a hypocritical self-serving asshole who used me to the nth degree to satisfy and stroke his ever fragile ego.
It was no time before he had hooked up with someone else, all the while chastising me, laying the guilt trip on me for “dumping him”. And after all he had done for me – how could I? It never occurred to him that he had robbed me of my self-esteem and my self–respect. Thank God it finally occurred to ME that I allowed him to do that. And he would only take advantage of me as long as I let him.
You need to have the same awakening, Rachel. Stop and end the cycle now. You have a few good teeth left, don’t let this asshole kick the rest in.
By the way, Rachel, my ex is STILL with his wife and STILL f*cking around on the side, however, it’s certainly not with me. I ended it 6 years ago…I’m glad so glad I got out when I did.
I think this website helps put things in black and white, plain as day…and for me it’s been really helpful to read things on this site every day.
We have to re-learn!
One of the most important things on this page today is how EUM validate our worst feelings about ourselves.
They do it by sucking us in making us think that they think we’re the best thing since sliced bread. We get addicted to that and need to rush because no voices in our heads are saying such wonderful things – it’s our fondest hope and dream.
But soon enough they validate what we knew all along – we’re not worth being first in anyone’s life.
People who do this type of thing are evil monsters. So unfeeling, so cold and uncaring. It’s degrading and devalues who we are as human beings.
I’m lucky, I haven’t spoken to my EUM in about a month. The last few times we spoke I ended up feeling so much in the pits afterwards.
So much has changed since then, for me. I’ve faced a lot and learned.
I was sitting here today, being totally valued for my work and appreciated. And it occurred to me that if he were to call me and I were in a place where I still wanted his love and approval all the good I feel would be gone when I got off the phone with him.
Ah, true love! 🙂
Laura, I so agree with you. I, too, have not spoken to my ex-EUM for over a month, and every day I can feel my self-esteem and self-worth coming back to me. I notice it in small ways–I am holding my head higher when I walk–I am treating myself and taking care of myself in ways that had gone by the wayside when I was on the emotional rollercoaster with my EUM. I look back and see that I felt like sh** most of the time and felt extremely bad about myself and was living my life in a fog. I was constantly being the “shadow boxer” (good Fiona Apple song about EUMs) and waiting around for him to make his move, and then the in between times when he would ignore me I would sadly wait out until he would come around again. It’s no way to live your life!
Laura – Amen! I too agree with you. I have forgiven myself because I was plain lied to. The lengths they go to to LEAD you to believe you are the best thing that ever happened to them & all the falttery just feel good. I talked to so many friends that read all of those emails & said – I would have been sucked in too! Especially those of us that have been through a lot of unhappiness & sh*t in out lives. I have never been so desperate for a man that I lied to such lengths for my own selfish agenda. My fault is I believed his lies when he told me he was “seperated” right there ready to file. I held him off for months & people verified there rel had been over for years. Was he still married legally? Yes. That makes him married regardless & not ready emotionally at all. My head told me no, my heart told me yes. I had missed an opportunity years ago to be w/him & I didn’t want to lose him again.
Brad – something you said hit a home with me. ‘A broken marriage is not a badge of honor.” So true. That is why I questioned hid b/up from day one as I think both parties have a part to play in the failure of a realtionship, I asked him early on what he learned & he didnt have much to say & never felt at ease telling me where he failed. That was one of my red flags. If he truly was ready to move on & learned something he would have admitted it like I did. But he never could.
Hi FinallyOverIt and Kim,
It really is so sad how we all have such similar stories. A part of me even today feels this twinge of hope and waiting and yearning. It’s so depressing and lonely!
But I guess we all need to learn to seek validation from ourselves and to love ourselves.
And we need to listen to ourselves, because I think we know these things about the guys all along but we don’t listen to ourselves.
Dear Rachel,
I can relate to your feelings of ‘why not me’, and when you think of yourself in this way, you always compare yourself to the other woman, and of course, always fall short.
Who knows why he prefers her – maybe she’s just as bad as him – and he’s met his perfect (deceitful) match!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – if he can’t see your value – he’s not for you.
Don’t blame yourself. Approach the situation from a different angle (take the focus off yourself) – say to yourself, ‘he’s not worthy of my love; he’s not GOOD enough for me!’ I want more. I want a man who adores me and shows it.’
Be proud of being who you are and list down all your strengths , achievements, and contributions. Look over these daily. It will help you to see your value and slowly, slowly, you will believe it, and you will reflect this to the world.
Ask God to forgive you for cheating, let go, and say to yourself, ‘I can do this’. I can move on. Moving on is easy. Before you know it, you will be the ‘best version of yourself’ – the person you are deep down.
good luck x
look ladies, i know this is gonna sound so harsh… but you need people to sometimes tell it to you straight…
the fact that this happens to you is because you let it… men will treat you like crap and a half if you let them…
we need to take more responsibility for our own actions… men dont treat all girls they meet like that… so why not put the blame on yourself and be a better woman because of it??
at the end of the day, just think, who do they think they are to treat YOU like that…
pfft, i say =)
I found out my eum made a lie by omission about somone he is seeing which robbed me of a choice to protect myself. It seems the agenda was to set me up to become the other woman again. It helps him to choose other people over me as it weakens me to him,
He knows I know, but is procceeding to keep seeing her, I can tell he’s convinced that for all my moaning and complaining and threats and walking out, that I will end up staying anyway..because it happened before.
Ivyowl,
Why are you sticking around?