Catherine asks: “I am six years into it with an emotionally unavailable man. It is not that he was dishonest about his unavailability, or that there were any of the red flags missing. He was separated, had lost a a baby, was in the process of divorcing his wife. But we got along so well, had very similar worldview, politics, lifestyle, music, really a great time was had. At least I have that.
Now he has told me that he is thinking about moving out of his apartment. This is where we spend most of our time together, because it has been my custom to ride my bike or bus over, stopping by the grocery store to pick up something to cook. I am an outstanding cook, and it is one of my main ways of expressing love, for my friends and family as well as him. He doesn’t like my house because it is old, worn down, and I’m kind of slobby. I have asked for a more grown-up domestic middle-aged type lifestyle and romance, but he is firm about the No Cohabitation Rule, and besides I’m messy.
He will move out of his apartment and go on the “sofa-surfing circuit” in order to not pay rent and save money in order to buy himself a condo, have housing security, and an investment to sell for his old age.
Did you notice that I am not written into this life plan? I can be deluded at times, but, yes, I noticed that too. I can’t really believe that that was an oversight on his part. I also notice that I was not included in the planning phase.”
I’m going to say something that you may or may not be ready to hear, and that’s that you are at a point where you need to recognise that you are trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear. It doesn’t matter if he is honest or dishonest about the fact that he is emotionally unavailable; what matters is that there are men out there that recognise their issues and deal with them head on because they want to be different both for themselves and also so they can engage in healthy relationships. Your guy just does not have that desire. He wants to stay as he is.
You may think that you get on very well but in reality, you don’t. None of the things that you get on well about matter if you don’t get on well about the right things. The fact that you like the same music or politics is of absolutely no use to you – you could have that with a friend or work colleague. Many women make the mistake of believing that they have things in common with their guy but your common ground is actually not his common ground and you’re focused on the wrong things. This post ‘But we have so much in common’ illustrates this very common problem.
If you didn’t ride over to his apartment, I don’t think you’d see this guy. It’s convenient for him and he is making no effort. You’re expressing your love through cooking but he’s not appreciating it and he’s not expressing his love at all.
The untidiness is an obstacle that is convenient for him and certainly not one of critical factor – it stops him from making an effort to come to you and it gives him a reason to evade further commitment.
But fundamentally, what I see here is that you’re trying to create a situation that doesn’t exist. You want more than he can offer and is capable of giving, and in reality, you know this after six years, which is a hell of a long time.
He’s emotionally unavailable, incapable of commitment, doesn’t want to cohabit and wants to move out and sofa surf. How old is this guy? For someone who would slate you for untidiness, he has a cheek even suggesting that he go around kipping on other peoples sofas. This is cheapskate, using behaviour but it’s also an indicator of his mentality – he does not want to commit and you can be damn sure if my man came to me after six years, not with talk of cementing the relationship but of removing the one thing that enables you to have regular access to him (his home which is central to your relationship), I’d be telling him to beat it sharpish.
You’re right, you’re not part of his life plan and a big piece of advice I would give you is to stop listening to your mother. Your relationship with this man has no foundations and she should want better for you than for you to be throwing your life away on a man who barely sees you for who you are. Is this the best that your mother can want for you? Is this what she did with your father? You say they are happy so why would she want this for you? More importantly, why do you want this because remember that the man reflects how you feel about yourself and this man is telling me that you don’t like, love, or respect yourself enough. Deal with the whys of this and you will find that a heading nowhere relationship with this man is very unattractive.
Your thoughts?
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WOW!!!!!!! Why do we settle for so little???
Oh dear! How much more of his behaviour do you intend to take, Catherine? Just reading your story made be cringe at the cheek of that man and how much of his rubbish you’ve been putting up with for so long.
It also touched a nerve with me as I realised that my ex-EUM would make plans and never include me: holidays, decisions, career choices. I tried talking to him about it as I could not believe that he would deliberately set out to hurt me. Nothing happened.
I ended the “relationship” in August 2008 and since then he has been popping up like a bad rash. I want nothing to do with him. By the way, I thought that we got along great with the same taste in music, background etc. But the important stuff we differred on. I wanted a relationship and he was happy with mere sexual relations. I wanted to share in each others lives and he view this as being “possesive”.
I bailed out and fell for his charm and sorry story. When I realised that I was signing up for more of the same, I bailed and I am SO happy that I did. I was around him for 11 months and the thought of another 6 months of his crap made me want to puke. How on earth did you manage for 6 years?
Mine was also very cheap – had no qualms letting me pay for everything. He was also too tired, busy and broke when it came to me, but he found the time to get flying lessons! Hmmmm. I bet your guy isn’t as broke as he makes out – he just prefers to spend his money elsewhere.
You’re clearly not happy and you’re better off bailing out fast. It will hurt like a mofo (arrrrrgggggh) but it does subside.
As for that rubbish about sofa-surfing, WTF? Is he 21? I hope that kick this dude to the curb and love yourself more. I’m rooting for you!
NML’s post is spot on as usual. What I don’t get are the comments re: listening to your mother. Did I miss something here? Please explain.
Hi Cynnie – my mistake! A chunk of the question got cut off! The post is there in full now 🙂
The statement “I don’t really fit the Fallback Girl profile, my self-esteem is still very good” really stood out to me. I’m sorry, but this is one of the most difficult posts I have read on this site and it seems like there is complete denial as to how you’re allowing yourself to be treated . If we love and respect ourselves we do not allow ourselves to be treated in such a disrespectful manner.
I hope you will soon recognize this guy for what he is!
I have to agree with Gaynor on the “I don’t really fit the Fallback Girl profile, my self-esteem is still very good” part. I don’t understand Catherine, how you don’t see yourself as a typical fallback girl? The very exsistence of this relationship puts you squarely in the bracket as a typical fallback girl, because if you had high self-esteem you would have dumped this douche over 6 years ago. I have to say that NML’s words about denial and making excuses for being treated poorly equal bad self-esteem. I really hope that after NML’s comments and everyone’s else that you are willing to see yourself and this man in the real light of day, because this is the only way you will truly wake up and find yourself and true happiness.
Catherine, I have to agree that there seems to be a great deal of denial and putting the blinders on about this man. Somewhere in all these posts on this site someone said “If a man wants to be with you, he will be with you” and I think those words are pretty powerful. I agree with NML that YOU have been in the driver’s seat in this relationship and your EUM is just riding along for all the freebies and home cooked meals! To me, it doesn’t sound very “50/50” meaning you are putting way more into the relationship than he is. I would ask yourself why this is okay for you? Maybe it’s time to ask yourself some hard questions, like “Why am I settling for less?”
“Are MY needs being met in this relationship?” “If my needs aren’t being met, why am I still with him?”
Hi There
New to this but I still have my EUM texting me even though he knows I want to have nothing more to do with him. He is a very typical EUM contacts me on nights when he is bored and not with his mates but makes no plans to see me or come round. Most nights he goes to the pub with his mates and rings me later to pick him up! which for ages I did like a fool. He nevers says anything nice he is just the biggest user. He has been in prison for 7 months of the year on and off for get this! Breaching a restraining order his ex took out on him!!! I know you are all thinking I am mad but I got sucked into it and stupidly thought I could change him and make him love me! How could I do this when this man doesn’t even love himself.
Last Christmas he tried to take me friend home from a nightclub! She of course turned him down and told me about it. I finished it with him but when he went to prison I got the sob story and fell for it.
He makes out like we will meet up on a weekend night when we are both out then lets me down last minute. It feels like he gets off on this. He doesn’t really care if he sees me or not and his attitude it take it or leave it. Needless to say when I do see him he is all over me like a rash and we end up having sex which is not that fantastic to tell ya the truth. I end up feeling empty inside and it is just the most horrible feeling.
I do not contact for a few days and then I get so mad about things I end up send abusive texts ( I know this is bad) He just laughs at these and sends me a text saying OK which he knows winds me up.
Someone help I need to get him out of my life once and for all! I have changed my mobile number three times in the last year to get away from him. But then I end up meeting him out and the cycle starts again!
OUCH.
I, too, have to agree on the denial thing as well based on the advice your mother has given you, as NML points out at the end of the column. Yes, you do have plenty of self esteem in areas such as being a good chef and other hobbies – this is why fallback girls are often successful in careers but not in relationships, because we place emphasis on achievements, hobbies and skills over our actual worth. The SELF part of the self esteem is missing, just as that post way back when about believing our own hype, and I’m guessing that you’ve had a great deal of programming and achievement praise reinforcement coming from your mother that you may not even know is shaping your relationships. I’m not saying that you didn’t grow up happy and healthy or that your parents were bad people in any way, but you learned to accept bad behavior and make excuses for a man for SIX(!) years. As the other posters said above, that’s a lot of time – you had to learn to be that girl from somewhere, and you mom’s advice about putting up with it even longer is a big clue where. I’m sure she loves you very much, and her advice comes from a good place, but it is not good advice to stay invested in a relationship like this one. If he wants to work it out, let him go to a counselor. He is the one that doesn’t want to move forward, not you. Your gut is telling you what to do and that you know better – go with your gut instinct, not with outside rationalizations that just keep you waiting and waiting even longer for something that will never come.
Cat,
Have you tried speaking to a professional?
Catherine,
I feel for you because I’ve been where you are, and even though it’s difficult, if you don’t wake to up the truth and see that the behavior described in your post is exactly an EUM/Fallback Girl relationship, you make have six more years go by in this sad situation.
Your description of your mother encouraging you to continue to stay in this was the most difficult part to read. I have a mother whose advice to me once, when I was so miserable in an EUM relationship that I could barely function emotionally, was to “suck it up”. My parents are still together after 43 years, but I don’t want their relationship, which essentiall is “everything is great! we are a perfect family!” while undercurrent is quite different, and truth is not really spoken. I still struggle with keeping out of EUM relationships, and recently ended one, so I’m not perfect in this area – just trying to be aware and make changes.
If you get advice that means ignoring or supressing your gut instinct, don’t listen. REMEMBER to be true to yourself. Good relationships don’t make you feel bad or unloved. You deserve much better than what you’ve put up with for so many years. NEVER ignore your inner self and what it says, and don’t let denial keep you facing hard facts about your own behavior in this situation. You can move past this, and it’s my hope that you will.
G-ahhhh! Okay y’all, Catherine = Regina.
FYI, the dude is 45 years old! As I am. Yeah, I told him in no uncertain terms that the sofa-surfing plan was not age-appropriate behavior.
I realize now that it was the “treat her badly so she will go away” passive aggressive method of breaking up with me.
I’d say that the first four years were great, really we were having the time of our lives. The EUM behaviors were implemented slowly, I think beginning after I started talking about moving in together. The changes were barely perceptible and of course that could be the denial. I call him a long-term operator EUM, a very dangerous v ersion of The Convenient One With Both Feet Set in Cement.
I got bad advice from more folks than my mom. Everyone loved him, he was very likable. That said, now leave my mom alone! Does nobody else here have parents who don’t want their girl to be alone? Pretty much that whole generation brainwashed us to believe that a woman without a man was just about the saddest thing.
I’m in therapy, he’s in therapy. We did call it off, as many of y’all know. After BOTH of us reading “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” we both knew the gig was up. I am now 26 days into No Contact. Some days are good, most are crappy. Gradually it is getting better.
I will take to heart what y’all say about my self esteem. BBP, your comments about achievement praise from the parents esp. rings some bells in my head. I do feel a little like y’all have jumped my shit real hard. Be nice to each other here, nkay???
Ah NML, you are the Holy Grail of good answers.
I love how no-bullsh** you are and how you get it right every time with point after logical and accurate point.
You keep me healthy with every post. Every time I might even THINK of backsliding, you explain why I don’t want to – and then I don’t 🙂
Six years without shacking up. I read a relationship book where the author said that all the relationships that she surveyed ended by 2 years unless they got married/lived together. Good luck with any new relationships, I’m sure that they will be easier than this last one.
It is an interesting experiment to do to just stop calling or texting or visiting or whatever your main source of contact was/is with your EUM and just sit back and see what happens..
I did this recently and I got one phone call thats it.. m ade me wake up a bit more and see that I was still in a bad pattern of making and doing all the communication and work.
I hope, Catherine, you see this guy for who and what he is and are able to move on.. alls I know is if you do get to live with guy you will not be happy…
Congrats Catherine on 26 days NC! I’m at 20 days NC and feel weak sometimes, but just so relieved to be out of a situation that initially was so fun, then turned destructive to my self-worth. It’s tough sometimes to see reality, and not just remember and wish for the great times in the beginning. I believe this is a permanent break for me, and test will be if he ever contacts me again, to just delete the message (because it would be a text – classic EUM).
Not trying to be hard on you with comments, I’m 42 and it took me so long to figure out (through therapy mainly) that I am the reason I keep attracting these type men. I have to change and love myself in order to have good relationships. I love my Mom dearly, but as you said about the generational ideals, she believes I need a man in my life. It helps me to let my family know I’m a valuable, normal, strong woman whether I have a man in my life or not.
Keep strong on the NC – good thoughts to you 🙂
Hi Gaynor
In reply to your question about seeing a professional I actually was referred to a counsellor with work. I have a session a week for 6 weeks in July/ August whilst he was in prison. She told me he is a master manipulator and he had used this technique to get through life and that I had to break the cycle. I was fine for a while and had to basically get a new job because all my colleagues were sick of me droning on about him. So when I started my new job in September I was fine. The on 15th he got out of prison and contacted me and stupidly I answered and said what the hell are you doing ringing me? He just laughed and said I will contact you in a couple of days. Its been 8 weeks not of this BullS**t he even reduced me to tears on a night out by goading me with texts saying we would meet up then as usual turning the tables on be and saying he couldn’t meet me because I was too drunk. I got a taxi to the pub where he was and said you are a nasty piece of work don’t ring or text me again. He was laughing in my face so ( I am ashamed to say this) I went back in a spat in his face. I have never done that before but I was really drunk and he got me so mad. I woman he was talking to came out and had a go at me saying it was her brother and how dare I do that? I told her he was my ex and that he only has one brother so she couldn’t be related. I thought she was going to hit me. He on the other hand stayed in the pub and never came out to see how I was. I went home in absolute hystericals swearing I would not get back with him. Then the next weekend he was out again and I ignored him. I walked past and he tapped me on the shoulder and said not talking? I just went Hello and walked off. The next day got a pitiful text off him saying I could have spoken to him?? And there goes the cycle again???
I am so fed up my mam and the rest of my family hate him and would be gutted if they knew thats since he got out of prison in Sept I had gotton back with him numerous times.
Please if someone has had this type of scenario let me know???
Thecat
Regina, we are not jumping your sh*t, it just feels like it to you, because you are reading NML’s great advice to you (I had to read it 2 times) and the comments that follow from the readers. 🙂
How long has he been separated, why is he not divorced? In the first 4 years, did he come and see you, did he take the initiate to get together and plan things to do? Have there been other woman during that 6 years? Why is he in Therapy? Are you sure he is?
I am asking, because I am not sure if he was playing more than one woman or if it was just convenience with you that he didn’t break it off, I feel that his soon to be ex-wife is his fallback girl.
The cat, he uses you for se*, hooks up with you only when he sees you in a bar? He is a user-loser, a criminal and you need to just stay away from him, I have the feeling this will turn violent real soon.
Ignore his texts. What was he is jail for?
Hi Astelle. No there were no other women. When we first met, he and his wife were separated for nearly a year. I called it off when I figured out that there were entanglements, e.g., they still had to sell their house. He came back to me after he had that stuff taken care of.
Yes, in those first four years he did everything right, he was very attentive, loving, came to visit, made every chance to see me, never gave me any reason to distrust. He was also very present and helped me get out of a bullying workplace relationship, about two years worth of dedicated support on that. I can’t say that there were no weirdnesses during that time and I could definitely tell that he had committment-phobia, but on the day-to-day basis, we had a great time and shared a lot of love.
Obviously, the divorce, stillbirth, etc., was more baggage than either of us thought. I think the main thing was the financial ruin involving the mortgage/sale of the house. He was always struggling to get out of debt. He is in debt to this day because of it, and I’m sure on many levels he thinks cohabitation/marriage/committment = financial ruin.
As of our last meetings, he was going into therapy. He recognized that something was wrong, that he had EU issues, losing me because of EU is a Bad Thing, a Wake Up Call. He was mortified at having broken my heart. I’m pretty sure he will have followed up with the therapy, he had done it before, but of course at this point it is none of my business.
Catherine, I mean Regina – just kidding. I was thinking about your story driving home tonight 🙂 When you said he is going to do the
“sofa-surfing circuit†What does that mean? Does he have that many friends to go to??? A lot of SINGLE friends at his age???
I may take this literally, the couch thing, but couldn’t help thinking he is going back to his wife??
O.K., I am in that age range, but no girlfriend of mine is living on my couch unless her house burned down and she needs a place for a little while
You know, it doesn’t matter, just don’t waste anymore time with him.
Nah, he and his ex were divorced over six years ago, over major incompatibilty: she wants kids and marriage, he doesn’t. I don’t want kids, don’t really care about marriage. Really, he is not going back to the ex. But even if he was, it has nothing to do with me.
He does have quite a few guy friends and a brother with sofas. Here in Austin, TX, this sort of thing is very common, esp., after a divorce or breakup. Cost of living here is so high it forces people into weird living arrangements. After the divorce and sale of their house, he did this for about a year and a half before he got his apartment. Back then, he did stay with me quite a bit, and my housekeeping was not an issue!
During our final discussions, he retracted the sofa-surfing plan, saying I was right, it wasn’t a forty-something life strategy. So he at least yielded that much for the sake of our “relationship,” but of course it was too little, too late. He had already pushed me away far enough.
John, I definitely agree with what you said that after two years if you are not getting married or LTR, it is not a going-forward relationship.
Natalie, it would be interesting to read about the parabola of a normal, healthy relationship, e.g., by when, what stage, etc. Probably it is already in here?
Thecat, Your anger is an issue for you.For one thing, it seems most of your anger is really at yourself – you realize you are talking to a bozo, you understand that he is harmful to you. Yet you aren’t making wiser choices.
If you are looking for closure, looking for him to say, “this is over, you can go home now” – that is nonsense. There is one person that can and should say that, and that is yourself.
Don’t consider what he should have done, or how badly you were treated. Think instead how you came to let someone with no character, so little respect for himself and for you, so little honesty and so little responsibility for himself and his obligations – how you could let someone like that darken your doorway. Because that is what has to improve. As the song goes, “Shoes don’t stretch/ and men don’t change.”
If he texts, get a new number – and don’t give him the new number. Talk to your friends and family, explain you want to end contact with him, that they should not help him find your number, or to make contact.
Don’t go where you know he goes. You want to meet people with character, and they won’t be hanging out where he does. Change hurts, it means letting go of old habits and ways of thinking. Sometimes it means losing favorite places to go, or things to do.
When you go someplace that serves alcohol, don’t talk to anyone that you didn’t arrive with. Only you can decide if alcohol is a problem in your life, but you talk about making decisions and acting out in public while under the influence. And regretting your actions while under the influence.
When you feel anger, that is because you are still entangled with your guy. Tell yourself that, whatever he wants or says, you are done answering to him, done hoping to see him or hear from him (practice, lots, pretending eventually comes true!), that you want a mate, someone honorable and with character.
Luck!
Hi
My ex was obsessed with his ex when I met him I didn’t know he was stalking her and she had a restraining order against him. He has been in prison twice in the last year which is how long I have been with him. This is for breaching his restraining order.
I even bought a book called stalkers and their victims the last time he was in prison to try and work him out. His mom told me when he was with her she ruled his life he couldn’t go out or do anything. His ex even had a fight with him mom and then told him not to speak to her which he did for two years even when his mam was diagnosed with cancer he still didn’t speak to her. I tried to work out whther he was besotted with her. He still has court cases going on to get money back off his ex as they had a shop together and he lent her £20,000 for a deposit on a house. She ain’t giving it back and I don’t blame her. He has treat me like s**t for the last year. I can’t help myself and I say when we argue go and stalk your ex! I shouldn’t show him that it bothers me and really I am trying to get him out of my life.
The red flag was three weeks into the relationship when a friend told me he was getting done for stalking his ex. Whe I first got with him he made me drive down a certain road I found out later that it was the road she lived on!!!!!
I went and picked him up from the nightclub last night as some guy hit him over the head with a bottle. Whe I dropped him off at home this morning we never spoke all the way home as I said he was treating me bad and I won’t put up with it any more. He told me to chill!!!! I was furious and then got really upset whe we got to his mothers house( which is where he lives and he is 40 year old!!) He just got out of the car and left me crying! I told him I was changing my number and he said AGAIN?
One of my friends said maybe this is his way of loving you maybe it’s all he is capable of. I have had a few relationships but never with anyone like this he gives me absolutley nothing to go on at all! Doesn’t tell me he likes me let alone loves me!!!
Please help!!
Thecat, help? Are you sure you are trying to get him out of your life?
Then why did you pick him up from the nightclub last night???
You told him you are changing your number? Why?
Why would you inform him that you are changing your number??
Thecat, Brad wrote a comment to to you, did you not read it??
Based on your last comment it seems to me that you are just posting your comments, regardless who responds to you?
Regina, sorry, I don’t agree with you saying that the cost of living in Texas is so high that it “forces” people to have weird living arrangements, don’t make excuses for him, that is not good, I live in Texas and I don’t believe it. Think about it – I know you don’t have kids – he doesn’t have kids either, so where is the financial strain for him?
Please don’t say it is common because it is not!
Excuses, Excuses that he gives you and you believe it.
I don’t believe it and I so hope you don’t either that the house and /or mortgage put him into a financial ruin!! His debt is not just coming from the mortgage.
Comes down to being RESPONSIBLE.
The Cat, I’m going to say something that you may not like to hear. You are a willing participant to this drama that is a lot of your own creation. You may feel like a victim, portray yourself as the victim, but you are not the victim. If I knew this much negative information about someone, you can be damn sure I wouldn’t be picking him up, letting him know where I am, giving him my number and making contact, and because you do these things, it lets me know that you 1) you are addicted to the cycle of drama and 2) you *actually* want the attention from him. Complaining about him after you willingly bring this jail resident stalker into your life is like bashing your head repeatedly against a brick wall and wondering why it hurts. He is not making you do any of these things – you are and you do it because you want the attention, you’re trying to prove you’re worthy of being number one, and you can’t like yourself very much at all. You may think I’m being harsh but it’s called tough love and I suspect that you’re not being told the truth often enough. I think you need to spend more time with the professional/get more counselling because whilst he is a master manipulator, he doesn’t actually have to do very much to get your attention meaning this is a skill that isn’t actually behind your behaviour. Picking up a phone and calling you and you answering it is not manipulation. You are out of your depth and because of how poorly he has treated you, you no longer value yourself so you keep hoping that he will love you because if he can, everything will be alright again. Well you’ll be in for a very long wait and it’s 100% down to you to break the cycle
Cat,
I’ve been there. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Loving someone doesn’t entail you waiting for them to MAYBE love you in return. I was crazy about my EUM for two years. It’s like throwing all your energy, time, and emotion into a complete BLACK HOLE. Nothing will be reciprocated. It is better to be single and happy (yes, you can be happy single) then to be miserable in an relationship. I’ve so been there. Nurture yourself. All the energy spent on him, spend on you. NML is so right. We gravitate to those men who are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. To KNOWINGLY settle for so little, means that you don’t feel that you deserve any better. You do. Don’t be afraid of letting go of something that is unhealthy and emotionally ungratifying. Break ups hurt, but they don’t hurt forever. I so know how you feel, kid.
Thecat,
Let’s see. Ten (10) words or less.
– He is bad news. You need someone good.
Now the long version. Think of it this way.
Imagine you live in a tough neighborhood (actually, all neighborhoods are tough, in their own way, but the hazards are sometimes less visible). You know who to expect certain things from, others that will harm who or what they can. You understand how to avoid the greatest problems (taxes due, PTA, local drug dealer, manic old lady that calls the cops for every car doing 2 mph over the limit, etc.).
Now, just *one block* over is a “better” or just different neighborhood. With rose bushes by the sidewalk, of all things. They get the newspaper on their sidewalk – and not only do they read the paper, no one takes it.
And it is scary. You know who you are, how to survive where you are. That other neighborhood, just one block away? They don’t like “your kind”. They don’t offer you the smiles they use for each other.
I can say, “you are where you are because you choose to stay, you choose not to leave.” And that is true. All of us stay where we are – we are comfortable here, or at least mostly familiar. Trying to join the “other” neighborhood is tough. If you are going to fit in, you need to walk different, dress different, build an attitude that respects those in the new neighborhood. Dress different. Read the paper, learn to care for rose bushes(?!). Changes and things will take you away from all you know about surviving. You may understand that Rose Lane may be a better, less violent way to live, but no one that you trust has shown you how to live there.
And this is about where you are now. You realize there is a better kind of relationship that many people enjoy. They love each other, they take care of each other. They cry over tough days at work, not over being left or from being harmed. Only you don’t see a street you can cross to take you to a better relationship.
And anything you do to find a happier life *will* cost you everything you know about surviving. How can anyone survive, if they don’t know how?
And this is where most of us fail. There are as many different ways to find happiness as there are people. For many, the path leads to a women’s shelter. A counselor or pastor or other professional experienced with how to guide people to a life with less drama.
You understand that you are unhappy, that you want help. The first problem is that you want to be happier *with him*. Why does it work for others, and not for you? Because you want him to be something he is not capable of being – a mate. A spouse. A loving, caring person. There are some survival skills that many people here are learning, slowly, painfully.
A critical survival skill starts with understanding that not everyone is healthy enough, emotionally, to be in a relationship. So rule one is to look for signs that a guy/gal is emotionally healthy. Does he/she have good relationships with trusted friends? Does he respect himself and those around him? Does she avoid those that she don’t trust? Does he care about what happens to those he knows? Is she *disciplined* in the sense of will to complete a task – to adapt to disappointments or changes instead of getting angry or depressed?
It is tempting to look for excitement in our relationships. Excitement is flirting with danger, hopefully without getting hurt. The problem is that the danger has to be there or there is no excitement. A mature relationship strives for joy and contentment – not boredom, but it can be boring if you are really looking for excitement.
No. There is no way that this guy you are obsessing over will ever change. You already know, for dead certain sure, that his childhood was twisted, that his mother still is, and his behavior is still violent and twisted. Good days do not count for anything – they cost you your time, your effort, and harm you by harming your dreams. It is the bad days that determine whether you can trust and respect your partner – always.
If the trust and respect aren’t always there, they you don’t have a healthy relationship.
Yes. You do have to let him go, let go everything about him – the hurt, the anger, the hopes, the affection. You need to grieve for losing him from your life, at the very same time that you *have* to get him completely out of your life. Read NML’s post on “No Contact”. Not just the part of how to keep him from getting to you, but the fact that you have to protect yourself.
You have to protect yourself from his contact. Because everytime he contacts you, texts, emails, IM’s, phones, talks to you – he harms you again. And you need to be looking to the future, to avoiding more harm to you and others. While you still think about him, you are distracted from healing, and from finding someone that you can make happy – and that will cherish a healthy life with you. But that won’t happen with him, ever, or with a good man until you get past this part of your life.
Luck.
Thecat – Oops! Can I get a do-over on the “ten words” part?
“You picked the wrong guy. Learn to choose better.”
Thanks.
Brad,
Yo couldn’t of said it better!!!
Hello All
Brad thank you for your advice and inside deep, deep down inside I know this is never going to go anywhere. I do try half heartedly to finish it with him. He doesn’t respect himself let alone me. He has very bad hygiene (don’t even get me started on that one). My friends are sick of hearing about him and one even commented are you still with that loser I thought you had gotten rid of him ages ago. My friend also said and this is what hurts ‘ I didn’t think you were the type of person to put up with that s**t’. I do you know what before I met this EUM a year ago I wasn’t.
I suppose in a really stupid way I am holding on waiting for this apiphany from him and waiting for him to change and show me the respect I deserve. I KNOW it ain’t going to happen.
Yes I have bought into the cycle time and time again when he texts as you talk yourself into thinking he must want to be with you as he is texting you.
I know what all ooo you have said is right and I do blame myself as each time he lets me down I swear never to do this to myself again!
I have resided myself to not going to the places he goes on nights out as I am yes buying into the drama. I just want a normal, happy, healthy relationship where things are easy going. As I say to him all the time relationships shouldn’t be this energy consuming.
It seems like he wants to play games but over the year I have become wise to them so I just ignore it now rather than getting into the games of meeting up, the games of him coming around. Basically he wants me to do all the running (which I have and do) and him sit back while I massage his ego.
Thanks for your comments and help
I will keep you posted. This website and blog is a godsend to me just to help me figure these guys out.
Thecat
Hey, y’all, today is One Month No Contact!!!!
I am feeling better gradually. I don’t cry very much any more, but the best is that crawly uncomfortable junkie withdrawal sensations are gone.
I am tempted to email his mom for Thanksgiving. It was always a very happy time for us, and it sucks a$$ that I had to break up with his family as well.
After more or less being okay with him not being in my life, it is now hitting me hard that they are gone too. His mom, I adored, and she me. I’d love to send her a nice note, esp. since she has just lost her brother, my “Uncle Doodle” or is soon to lose him to cancer.
Here is what I was thinking of sendig: “Dear T, I will sure miss all of y’all today. This is certainly not going to be the best Thanksgiving for any of us, but I wanted to send blessings and best wishes. You and Uncle D are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Catherine”
What do y’all think?
Regina, Do you really think that is a good idea? I totally understand you missing his family. My EUM has children that I love dearly and even though we are still together right now (working on opting out), that is one of the hardest parts for me. I would want to contact them BUT in doing that I would feel part of me would be contacting him. Just a thought. What if the mom emails you back and responds to your “not going to the best Thanksgiving for any of us”??? What if she tells you her son is miserable and misses you terribly? I’m not saying don’t communicate with her but rather, think about how you will feel after and what my come out of it. I feel terrible for her with her brother being sick and certainly you should pay your respects and sympathies should the worst happen but its a fact, and is very sad that you do break up with the family when you break up. Just a thought.
Dear Trying to Leave,
Yeah, I know. I had not thought about her responding and giving me any info on him. I wouldn’t want that. I know that he will have told her that he and I are No Contact, and my expectation was that she would not convey any info, but you are right, I can’t be sure of that.
Regina, I would just send blessings and best wishes, don’t mention that you will miss them or that this will not be the best Thanksgiving for any of you, this is his family so it wouldn’t be appropiate – Just my thought.
Regina, I think I would actually send a plain, hand written, snail mail note to his Mom, wishing them a happy thankgiving.
No electronic communication can embrace the intimacy and expressiveness of handwriting on paper. And on a “thinking of you” communication, you want to be clear that you are expressing your feelings to her – and not sneak a round-about question about how the family is doing – and how he is doing, and whether you are looking for forgiveness about breaking things off.
Plus, if the family should happen to feel bitter toward you, or just loyal to their son, an email almost best a nasty, hasty reply.
If you do send a note, however you send it, keep it simple and clear. Not mentions of regrets, or even the past. Certainly not about whomever you might be dating, or have dated (including anyone they might know!). Like Astelle says, send blessings and good wishes, and let it go at that.
I would *not* send a Christmas card unless you receive one from them, first. No gifts, nothing.
For one thing, you need the space to be thinking of who you are, what you needs are. And what would you think if a potential date mentioned sending cards to his ex’s family? While you remain engaged with his family, you remain engaged with him, unavailable to anyone else – and likely complicating your healing.
This is *not* a common, small-community type breakup where both parties are healthy, the whole community is involved, and you can be a neighbor to his family without raising any eyebrows. This guy is a problem. You need to be extra defensive about breaking away, or you may be much longer trying to make a comfortable life.
Regina, I would not send his mom Thanksgiving wishes, email or otherwise. It is like making contact with him in a way and I agree with what Tryingtoleavehim said about having to break up with the family too. and if the worst should happen with her brother, paying your respects and sending your sympathies is a different story. I realize its hard because you’ve known his family for so long and were close and miss them, but I don’t think it’s a good idea, especially so soon after the end of your relationship. You might open contact with her and hear things about him which will set you back.
Thanks y’all, that is good advice. NC is NC with them too.
I did email her before we went NC, when I knew her brother was dying, and asked her to tell him I loved him and that he is my favorite funny uncle, and she answered me then and said she would tell him that day. So she knows I care, and that I’m not some heartless bych who dumped them all on a tiff and whim.
I have friends to cook with tomorrow, and I’m not making the things I used to cook for the EUM’s family.
Catherine it seems that you have lost yourself in the relationship. Many women fall to the trap that if we love our man with all our hearts, then everything will be all right. The thing is life is not a fairy tale and men are too fickle minded to care whether you’re giving all yourself or just half. The point is, you need to value yourself before anyone else does and this includes with your relationship with this man. Make him feel that you have a life outside of him. Improve yourself, your confidence and be readily available for someone else who deserves you better.
The short version is date someone else and prove yourself that you’re worth more than he has led you to believe. Go free yourself.
Hi Ana, I know a lot of us do this, but really I have done a whole lot of “me” stuff even whilst I was in the EUM relationship – started a new business, started writing short fiction, learned a new sport and got expert at it, became prez of a big community garden, so I think I have kept my own growth and personal development through this relationship, and that is a lot of what has kept me going. I’m 2 1/2 months of No Contact and I am still doing all this stuff fairly successfully (after my allotted moping period) with more plans to come.
There are still very bad days and it is easy to cry over the lad on any day, but I get stronger on the average. I made a mistake deciding to love him when he could not love me as deeply in return, and I knew this all along in some way. I know now to listen with my guts, my ears and my eyes, and not so much with my heart and ovaries, when I start to date again.
I have a lot to owe this community, and I look forward to the time when I and all y’all here now just start forgetting to come here. Because we won’t need it anymore.
Blessings, y’all.
Catherine, who is Regina
Hi Catherine (Regina)
It’s so nice to see you’re moving on. I was really happy when I saw your post. No woman should be taken advantage of because of their big heart and honesty. More power to you and keep it up, you’ll eventually cross the bridge and what will remain is a memory that you will be thankful for, for making the right decision.
Today is three months of No Contact. Am I over him? No, but life definitely does not suck. Hey Nat when is that book coming out?
Regina,
Good for you!!! Like you, good things have come out of the breakup. I have involved myself in new activities-out of necessity to forget-which has introduced to wonderful new things and people. Now I can see my life was in a rut-prior to ex-EUM and during-and am discovering there are so many opportunities in life available.
Keep going , girl!!!!!
Gaynor: Hi, this quote is from Families Anon ‘When we get busy, we get better’ never a truer word. KatyB went home lst night. She is going to work tomoz. She needs something, and she needs to start doing stuff, her lil girl is a bit dazed and confused, see what happens, those who love you start to suffer because of this complete madness.