Denise asks: I need some advice. I’m so fed up. I’ve been with my partner for almost seven years. He puts me down all the time, has come on to my so-called mate, fingering her in the back of a taxi ( the driver told me). I got rid of him, but he came back, and, like a fool, I took him back, but he never admits anything.
Things I have told him in private, he tells my mates and shows me up in front of them. He drinks a lot in the pub all the time from work, drinks two bottles of wine every night, and hardly ever takes me out any more.
He keeps saying he loves me but I say “You don’t. You would not treat me like this if you did. This is not love”. Oh, and he told me he loved within the first week of us meeting. He flirts with every girl he sees, even my sons’ girlfriends, and they fall for it and flirt back behind my son’s back. What I really don’t understand is why people/friends don’t stand by me? It’s like they all fall for him and hurt me. I feel I am on my own and feel like doing away with myself. I told him to go loads of times. Please help. I’m so unhappy.
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I am open mouthed! He fingered your friend in the back of a taxi and you took him back? OK, first of all, your friend isn’t your friend. They have no self-respect, and they don’t respect you. Unfortunately, when you are being betrayed from all angles, it can leave you feeling powerless.
I think that you are a bit blindsided by not just his behaviour but your friends. It’s as if it’s all a signal that says if everyone is mistreating you, you must be worthy of it. To be clear, you’re not. Your worthiness isn’t to blame. You’ve surrounded yourself with shady people and are enabling their behaviour by letting them off the hook by seemingly accepting their actions.
Let’s be real about him:
- He puts you down all the time. Belittling you to boost himself, he also manages your self esteem down to nothing.
- He comes on to your friends. This screams ‘I have no respect for you or your friendships. I want to belittle you to them as well.’
- He fingers your friend in the back of a taxi. That is a disgusting thing to do. Full stop. The taxi driver was trying to do you a favour by telling you. This was a get out moment.
- You took him back. He believes that you place no value on yourself and by taking him back, he realises that he can do as he likes with your friends because you have accepted his behaviour.
- He repeats what you say to him. It doesn’t matter what you are saying, he has no respect, no boundaries, and is again belittling your friendships.
- He drinks like a fish. Two bottles of wine a night is not normal. Drinking himself into oblivion shows that he has alcohol issues and is disrespecting himself. Who knows what or who he is trying to escape with all of that booze, but you come behind the booze and drinking absolves him of any responsibility for his actions.
- He says he loves you. Just reading what he has done recently shows he doesn’t. He loves you as much as a drunken pisshead disrespectful no good behind your back fingering assclown could.
- He hardly ever takes you out. Why take out someone you don’t value unless you want to humiliate them again and again?
- He flirts with everyone. Yes because one woman is not enough. He’s an attention whore and stretching his disrespect to other people you care about.
Your friends:
Get fingered in the back of taxis by this chump. This isn’t friendship.
Flirt with him. Attention seekers.
Encourage him to repeat your private discussions. The hierarchy of friendship has been established. He has belittled your friendships to the point where you can’t trust them and they probably don’t trust you.
Your friends don’t stand by you because they don’t respect themselves, or you, or your friendships.
It’s dicks before chicks for this lot, and they have their own issues. I don’t know how long you’ve known these people, but the reality is that he’s treated you badly for seven years, and who knows what other boundaries he has crossed? This isn’t about you. Your friends are in a cycle of mistreating those around them. They place more value on their interactions with men.
He is who he is. If you think loving the crap out of a man that treats you like crap will yield positive results, think again. He is not going change with you at his side and he the only way he could deal with his problems, if he wanted to, is of his own accord.
There is no point in telling him to go; you need to go.
When men like this are given the choice, they never do the right thing… for you. They do the right thing for their ego. They do what’s ‘easy’. Telling men to go if they’re not going to treat you right is a waste of space. Most shady guys are too scared or disconnected to even see their actions as they really are.
You need to deal with your own issues about why you want to be with a man like this. because you can’t like yourself very much if you want to be with him. It’s like hating yourself, and you’re validating you based on his actions and those of your friends. But your value will go up ten fold when you learn to disassociate yourself from inappropriate people that seek to break you down.
It is not an overnight thing, but you need to commit to yourself and getting out. If him fingering your friend isn’t enough to turn you off, what is? I know it is hard, and I know your leaving him is also tied up in your friends. Better to be alone with your self respect and the opportunity to heal and move forward than alone with an assclown and friends like the ones you have, because you are alone now.
It is never too late. Don’t throw yourself away believing that you are nothing.
You can start over. Whatever pain you think you will experience, rest assured, it will be short term. You will feel crappy initially but it passes. If you stick to your guns, you will realise you feel better off without him. But I suggest that you see a counsellor (without his knowledge) to discuss what has been happening so that you can prepare yourself to walk away. But do walk.
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nml – i love you. i’m so happy that i came across this site. keep it up lady!
yes this is a crazy situation and she should get out immediately! we women HAVE to do better! we HAVE to show that we are worth more than just what someone wants to dish out to us. we HAVE to stand up for ourselves!
This is unbelievable! It appears as though there is NOT ONE ounce of personal values, morals or integrity in this guy, and yet she is conflicted about dumping his @ss? She is taking constant daily verbal abuse from him, and in my opinion, this mentality is no different than a woman who is being physically abused by her partner. Her lousy “so called” friends aside, she seriously needs to address her issues with a counselor (good call, NML) regarding her self-esteem and lack of self-love. Oh, and if I were her I would dump the friends, too. They sound horrible.
DENISE-you need to GET AWAY FROM HIM!! Read my post-NML was awsome and totally supported what I suspected all along! My story was similar-It’s the one that says “How do I forgive my Narcissist ex and friend for the Private Dance” or something like that-I’m telling you, you need to do this for yourself-get away from this asshole!!!
Whoa! Run, don’t walk. Get the hell away from this loser and perhaps even your so-called friends and work on you! I can’t imagine how horrible you must feel about yourself to have taken this assclown back after he fingered your friend.
NML is right. You have got to find the value in yourself and start loving yourself…sooner rather than later. Sweetie, you’re better than this douchebag…you’ve just got to believe it.
Denise, you ask, “He flirts with every girl he sees, even my sons girlfriends and they fall for it & flirt back behind my sons back & flirt back. What I really don’t understand is why people/friends don’t stand by me?”
That one is easy. You are giving your permission for him to mess around, and for other women to mess around with him.
You stay where you are – with him, with the messing around, with the friends messing with him, with all of it. Silence implies consent – and your actions contradict anything you might think of to say.
That is why he continues – because you are letting him. You are giving him permission. He thinks he is being cute when he is disrespectful. When he spends time flirting with others, you *have* to believe that he is having sex partners that you aren’t even aware of. Ask yourself – how many women do you really want to sleep with, second hand? When you don’t know who they are, how can you be sure about diseases, etc.?
Then the one that bothers me. He flirts with your son’s dates. There is nothing, nothing at all, that you can ever say to anyone that will influence your son’s treatment of women, of what he thinks as healthy behavior, as the mere fact that you stay with this horrible man. This isn’t just about you – you have a mother’s responsibility to manage the environment you raise your son in. And allowing someone as disrespectful and antisocial as this to be known to your son, let alone to let your son know you know about his behavior, you teach your son to disrespect women by your acceptance and by this guy’s example. That is a terribly effective way to train your son to abuse and disrespect women throughout his life. Anything you say about this to your son will look like deceit and deceptions (when you want to set an example of honesty and respect) because you are saying one thing and doing something very different.
You have to leave this guy. He is destroying your ability to parent your son, just by being around. By being there he poisons your values and choices and what friendship means to you. Because he is there, you are tied to your past, and to his past, and to every single one of his sexual adventures – which you can be sure are happening, even when you know for dead-certain-sure that you cannot believe word One out of his mouth.
How to leave? Please start with the nearest battered women’s shelter. You qualify. You may not have the bruises and broken bones and gashes that others have, but you suffer from his disrespect, you don’t see a way to escape (or fully understand the need to get him out of your life), and you need personal guidance on safely and permanently getting rid of this guy.
Bless you for reaching out and asking for help. NML’s No Contact Rules are a great start. But the first step has to be to answer your question of what to do. And that cannot begin until you understand the damage this guy does to everyone around him, and the damage you do to others when you stay with him. After you understand that, then leaving (should!) be the next step, and you will be able to begin planning out how to protect yourself from him, and also from any attempt he makes to contact you.
Please keep in touch with us. Writing things as they happen, questions that occur to you, decisions that you make – these all become more real when written. A diary, comments to this post, a journal or blog – you can help yourself by recording what you go through. And seek out an experienced friend or counselor – pastor, women’s shelter, counseling service – but, please, not any friends that are already messing around with this guy.
NML and the other commenters here have expressed a lot to think about, and I have said some pretty strong things. We really want things to be better for you, this is one way of saying, “I love you” – by saying what we believe to be true and helpful. This is pretty cold comfort, hm? But trust me – we mean you only good things.
Blessed be.
Denise, You got wonderful and very accurate advice and feedback here. The answers were all there.
I hope that you leave him, do the NO CONTACT thing, and please read NML’s e-book about Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl…
((HUGS))
Get rid of the assclown – and your friends who aren’t friends.
Start fresh, looking at creating better/more nuturing self-esteem for yourself while gradually building healthy boundaries…
Please get away from him! You deserve so much better and it would not even take much to be better than that disgusting piece of crap!
Run, girl, run!
I was also on the receiving end of such a person – how I wish I had run, run far away – he was like a magnet and the attraction was so damn strong. I should have listened to my inner instincts. I have no contact with him now but I still have the nightmares.