woman crying at bottom of stepsLisa asks: NML, I must admit that I have become paranoid recently because my boyfriend keeps calling me needy and I hate it! This started about a month ago when I said that I wanted something a bit more consistent and that I wanted to be sure that we were going somewhere. I couldn’t bloody believe it when he said “Why can’t you go with the flow Lisa? Why do you have to start pressurising me?” I must admit to being taken aback and I apologised to him for making him feel uncomfortable but I also told him that I felt that he was being harsh. He sneered at me and said “Oh Lisa…so needy”.

Since then, things have been distinctly cool between the two of us and I’m afraid to say anything because each time I so much as look like I’m having so much as a negative thought he says “I hope you’re not going to spoil the evening by getting all needy on me…” Bastard! I don’t know what to do because to be honest, he has really p*ssed me off but I keep wondering if I caused this but not letting things ‘be’. Do you think I am being needy? It’s not like we’re a new relationship – we’ve been seeing each other for more than two years!

NML says: Oh…I’ve been down this road before and what we have here is a manipulative assclown who is bullying you to ensure that he gets to have carte blanche to do as he pleases.

Needy is when you are co-dependent and basically expect the sun to rise and set on him.

Needy is not asking for clarification about where you stand with the relationship because you want to ensure that you are both on the same page.

He has called you ‘needy’ because he doesn’t want to be pigeon holed into a defining a relationship with you. He wants to not only go with the flow, but go with his flow, and he doesn’t need you raining on his parade, asking him to be more committed to you.

When somebody wants to avoid putting a meaning to the relationship, it means that they want to keep things ambiguous and on their terms, and this is not a man who is suitable for a relationship and he most certainly does not have your best interests at heart.

Asking him to be ‘Consistent’ suggests that he has been ‘inconsistent’ before and his current behaviour suggests that he has no plans to change anytime soon.

I think that your guy has a bit of a dark side to him as it was particularly nasty for him to say those things and I would actually be concerned about not just how he treats you, but how he speaks to you and manipulates you into silencing your needs and your opinions.

You’re concerned about whether you’re being needy when actually you should be more concerned about whether this is a suitable mate for you that will make good long term material.

Decent guys don’t call you needy when you want to have a conversation that doesn’t suit them and to me this reeks of emotional immaturity and if you think that sticking at his side and swallowing your needs and wallowing in bullied silence will buy you a seat at the committed relationship table with him, think again.

Do not make the mistake of millions of women before you and take responsibility for his behaviour! It takes more than one conversation about the status of your relationship to create this. It’s not what you said – it’s the fact that you in saying this are creating expectations of him and the relationship that he doesn’t want you to have. In objecting to this, he is basically saying ‘I don’t want a relationship with you that is committed or consistent. It is my way or the high way.’

More importantly, it’s not what you said, it’s the fact that you have been in an inconsistent relationship with this man for over two years and by trying to extract a relationship out of an unsuitable candidate, he’s going to belittle the crap out of you so you never ‘expect’ anything again.

The guy is an assclown! Don’t worry about whether you’re needy; worry about the fact that you’re still there….

Your thoughts? What do you think Lisa should do?

If you would like to understand more about the man who is the king of mixed signals and the women that love him, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.

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