Jennifer asks: I have a classic, Natalie! He won’t even commit to a relationship with me. After nearly a year, and several half-hearted attempts on my part to break it off with him, I finally sat him down and told him enough! I was really hurt but relieved.
The next day he called me insisting that he was working on being a better person ( I think this is true, just not with me) and he asked if we could talk in about a month after I’d healed and spent some time away from him. I reluctantly agreed.
He continued to text me and I texted back for a few days then I finally cut contact. This lasted about 2.5 weeks until I ran into him at a party and we chatted. A few days later he began texting how much he missed me and I let him drop by to say hi. This led to spending the day with him and sleeping with him. He said he really wanted to start over, that he wasn’t ready for a relationship but that he would treat me better. Well it isn’t even 48 hours later and he’s back to the same inconsiderate behavior.
I’m sitting here with a huge dinner prepared for him and he may or may not show up. I feel like he’s playing a game to see if he can get back with me whenever he wants. I’m trying to stop blaming myself but because this has happened so many times, I have no one else to blame. I don’t even feel as if I can tell my friends because after the last breakup, I swore up and down that I would never fall for his crap again. I have no idea what to do. This guy really knows how to play the hot/cold game with me and it works. To add to this, I just met a really nice guy who has treated me wonderfully and I’m incredibly suspicious because I’d forgotten what it was like to actually be respected and treated nicely. I’m afraid I’ll be damaged forever if I keep this up.
Should I attempt No Contact again? Should I concentrate on this new guy so that I can build up some dating confidence again, or should I just be alone?
Natalie says: My suggestion is to be alone for a while and sort yourself out. You can not use some poor unsuspecting guy as a buffer for you to practice on because that’s what he would be. You’d just be knee-jerking from one relationship to another and creating a mess, and he’s going to get the crappy end of the stick.
Golden rule of new relationships: Don’t start a new one until you’ve healed from your previous relationship and have emotional baggage of a hand baggage level.
The first guy… is using you and has suckered you into a pattern.
Like all guys like this, he only wants you when he thinks he’s in serious danger of losing you. He is a user and on top of that, he has now stated what his intentions are because he hasn’t changed, he can’t give you a relationship, so he is useless and you are wasting your time. You shouldn’t be sitting at home with his dinner ready for him; you should be cutting him off!
This is not about blaming yourself. This is about taking responsibility for your part in things and realising that you need to take a break from men, get your head sorted, and learn to trust your instincts and your gut.
He is not working on being a better person with you or anyone else, because it didn’t take long for him to disrespect your wishes with texting or that long before you both ended up in the sack.
He hasn’t changed and isn’t working on being better because he still does this bullshit behaviour and then says that he is not able for a relationship. He is a user that doesn’t know what he wants or why he wants it.
It is your responsibility to stop engaging, stop replying to his texts, stop sleeping with him, and stop cooking food with him and behaving like the Good Little Girlfriend. He’s not your boyfriend and you deserve far better.
The only thing that works with these men is to instigate No Contact and maintain it. They will keep trying to make contact, but you don’t need to or have to respond. Just ignore him and eventually he will learn that the door is closed. Start working on you and why you are interested in a man like him and why you are distrusting of other men, and take some time out and get to a better place.
I hope that in the time since you wrote this, you have seen the light and ditched the guy. Oh and by the way, guys that really miss you don’t let you know by text message. Using text messaging/instant messaging/email as a primary form of contact is the hallmark of Mr Unavailables and assclowns.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites
Oh my goodness! My (soon-to-be-ex) EUM is exactly like this! But he probably treated me a lot worse because he doesn’t even spend any time with me outside of the couple of hours in the bedroom here and there. He is literally a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, and I allowed him to behave that way with me and accepted it for a year. Anyway, I mainly wanted to say that he only contacts me via IM/email/texts also, and like NML said, he only wants me when he’s in fear of losing me. When I’m waiting on him, he shows no interest in even hooking up with me sometimes.
Jesyca, I am sorry for you, this sounds like a booty call to me.
Cut him off, don’t let him use you – and that is all that he is doing – for Se*.
Thanks, Astelle. I haven’t seen him for over a month now, which is the longest period of time I’ve ever gone without (yay for me!). We are still in touch sporadically via email, with him striking up small talk with me to get me to sleep with him, but I have thus far refused every single attempt he’s made (and yes, he only wants to see me for a hook up). I’ve gotten so used to the booty call treatment that I had mistakenly made myself believe that it’s normal and that I actually want it.
my god, this is so typical..
I feel Jennifer’s pain, it’s so tough when you’ve been through it once or twice and you promised your friends you wouldn’t go there again, and yet you do, and then you find yourself totally desperate when they end up fººcking it up again, only now it’s worst cause you can’t even open up with your friends anymore…it’s so messed up.. I don’t get how they can do this, and even less, how smart independent girls (like i’d consider myself to be, and like we all are) end up getting so caught up in this crap. I’ve done the final, ultimate, cutting contact (helped by a useful relocation abroad), it’s been 4 months, and i still can’t stop thinking about him. It’s beyond me.
Good luck to all of us..
I am in the same boat. A girl that I considered my best friend has just dropped off the face of the planet since my last break up and reuniting with my EUM. She told me pretty much point blank that I was not the same person she met 2 years ago and didn’t know how I had become so weak. None of my friends really ever liked him and my family can’t stand him. She and I don’t even really speak anymore so I don’t really have anyone to talk to.
I completely understand….it amazes me how all us smart wonderful women get caught up with ass clowns. I laugh every time I say that phrase since it’s so perfect 🙂 I can say that this website has been an amazing help just knowing I’m not the only one dealing with this ridiculous and painful situation. I just keep repeating to myself that I deserve someone kind who treats me with respect, consideration, and (gasp) even love. I know he is caught up in his own issues and I can’t help him with those. All I can do is change my own behavior to put an end to this mess. However, I admit it has been HARD since let’s face it that it’s nice when someone wants you so badly (except when he can have you of course and then he couldn’t care less 🙂 It is like relationship crack…another perfect phrase.
@ Noelle, isolation from friends and family is one of the tools of the EUM – it makes you easier to manipulate if you don’t have someone sane to help you find reality, remind you of the dreams you are forsaking, and occasionally drag you back to the land of reality and the living.
Isolation is also something we do to ourselves to hide feelings of inadequacy, feeling that we have “sold ourselves too cheaply”, or shame for allowing someone to get us to violate our morals, our ethics, our self respect.
We can’t turn back the clock. But we can deliberately choose to follow a better goal and lifestyle. At first we may need to question every motion and sentence we speak, but respect for yourself *can* become a habit, and can open doors to friendships and relationships with truly good people. It just takes dedication to question the old habits, make better choices, and survive the hurt and confusion of the changes.
One step is to do a quick survey of everyone you come in contact with each day. Respect for self? Respect for others? Honest as the day is long? Takes responsibility for himself/herself? Is respected by others? Enjoys emotional bonds to friends and family? Acts honorably? Emotionally disciplined, neither unemotional nor anger-prone? Any “no” items are red flags.
Do you strive to pass this ‘character check’ each day? I promise – you will come to associate with a better class of people, assclowns not admitted.
It is never too late to live a better life, for the rest of your life. Even if you have to leave your past behind you.
@ Jennifer, you have to know what the best answer is, you just don’t want to have to be the one to say it. You either want a mate, a lifetime companion, or you are fooling yourself about being unhappy with the random booty calls – with him being in charge of the ‘when’. If you really want a mate, then there is not time at all for a bozo content with sex adventures. He will continue to act as “mate repellent” as long as he is in the scene. And you will find your world view distracted by his antics, and be unable to prepare yourself to be a good mate when a good prospect comes along.
Right now you keep rewarding him with your time and passion. When *he* says he won’t change, won’t want a relationship – you either have to accept his word out of respect, or disrespect him by thinking he is a liar, that he really will, someday, want a relationship with you. So are you going to leave him because you respect his word, or stay because it is OK that you consider him a liar? I can’t see any way that you can stay available to him, without poisoning your chances for a relationship.
Decide what you really want to accomplish in your relationships with men. Then go get it – and avoid the distractions like the plague.
OMG I could have written this myself. Do we all have the same EUM? Are his initials R.S.? Wow. Is there a factory that cranks these guys out? Can we have it shut down?
After the usual (and repeated over 2+ years) no contact after him pulling an extremely asinine stunt Assanova (his very fitting name in my cell phone) texts me his – “hey stranger, wanna have a beer” crap. I told him no, which I have done before, but this time I also told him I was seeing someone exclusively (I am). He told me he was seeing someone, too so it really was just a beer offer (he’s pulled this crap before so I didn’t believe him). Since then he’s texted some things that are way out of line regarding sexual things he and I have done in the past. It seems these guys really can’t stand the thought of us moving on. The only person (more like PEOPLE) he’s “seeing” are the ones he’s got scattered around who believe his lines like I did! These assclowns make it so hard to not respond though, I actually believe they received their Doctorates from Assclown University.
I am a Psychology student and had a paper due while I was trying to work through one of my failings at no contact. I wrote the paper on love styles and if you do an internet search for “Ludus love style”, it’s the game player/Assclown/Assanova/EUM to a tee. The world of Psychology even knows about these guys, and they are often times narcissists. Needless to say I got an A on that paper…
NML, thank you for this site. I check it really often and although I relate so well with many of the women who post here, It’s still amazing to me how alike these assclowns are.
I forgot to say that I don’t understand why I even respond to this guy at all. I’m not playing his sexual innuendo game, but why do I wonder what he’s up to when I know perfectly? Why do I care about him at all?
The best kicker is to flat out do what NML says and don’t answer, no matter what. Even if they need a kidney…they’re just gonna have call somebody else.
NML – are you still planning a part 3 on how to respond to passive aggressive behaviour?? The list of examples of it you gave in part 1 is *exactly* what i’m faced with, so even if some people seemed a bit confused by part 2, i’d really appreciate that part 3. Thks.
freja, he contacted you after 2 years of no contact??
I love the term Assanova. 🙂
Brad K–What you said is so right on. You can’t move onto a new and better relationship with an assclown lurking in the background. When I tried dating, I was majorly distracted by my EUM texting me at random times, playing mind games, blowing hot and cold, and so on. I couldn’t concentrate on the new guy, and my mind was just so distracted from my present dates. And any time the new date didn’t work out for some reason, I just found it so easy to get back into the same old routine w/ the EUM.
Astelle, not after 2 years of no contact. It was like a cycle over the 2+ years I’ve known him. He’d pull something really shitty, there would be a blowout and then there would be no contact for months. I think 3 or 4 months was the longest. He’d resurface, apologize, turn on the charm and I’d be sucked in again. Rinse and repeat.
OMG I have only recently come accross the term “emotionally unavailable” and when I googled it to find out more I accidently came accross this site. I have been reading some of your stories and am shocked with how similar they are to my own. I have been in a ‘relationship’ with a EUM for the past two years and my poor head has been wreaked over it, i have lost so much confidence in myself and like many of you have been no longer got the support of my friends because I keep going back to him even tho i know he is genuinely not interested in committing to me and it hurts so much, my god it hurts. I have finished with him now hopefully for the last time as I am planning to enforce the NO CONTACT rule. Just wanted to say its giving me great comfort to read your comments and and find out more and the ‘lethal and deadly’ EMU x
These articles on EUM are right on. I have just responded to the guy who I told myself I would try to not respond to. Yeah they can suck you in. It is true that it would be better to focus on me and do what I can to improve my own life, work on me so I won’t be so willing to keep this kind of guy in my life. He’s always on the road, plays music, and he will talk a good game, but when we discuss seeing each other, he renigs quite a bit. I’ll be glad when I can just stop responding and be able to not text him either. I think now it is loneliness.
This is such a comforting website! Cutting contact is the most common advice I see given. I’ve tried it tens of times, over many years, each time swearing “never again.” Hah!
Recently I read an account on another advice site by a woman who, after many attempts at cutting contact, decided to try something completely different; the opposite. Instead of snubbing him, she began calling, emailing, texting constantly. She pestered him continually to spend more time with her, told him how much she missed him, that she just couldn’t live without him. Even suggested moving in with him. The guy could not beat a path to the door quickly enough! And some months later when she spotted him on the street with a new girlfriend, he avoided her altogether.
When I feel ready to cut contact, I believe I will try this “opposite” plan. I’ll bet it’ll work like a charm!