I recently spoke with a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend of a year a couple of months ago. He had been cheating on her for pretty much the majority of the relationship and she’d finally caught him out. When we caught up, she was still crying a lot and seemed really devastated which understandably you would be if you’d found out that your guy was a lowlife.
What was interesting though was why she was crying.
When I asked where her upset was rooted, I expected her to feel upset about the betrayal, the deceit, being taken for a fool etc but she was upset because she wasn’t with him anymore. She missed him. She thinks he’s “sexy, funny, and probably one of the best men I’ve ever met and now it’s over. What am I going to do?”
Is it just me that’s wondering if she’s on Relationship Crack? Or just plain ‘ole cracK?
I come across a lot of women shedding tears over their men but the reality is:
It’s one thing to cry over the betrayal and be angry about it. It is another to cry about the fact that you’re no longer with a cheat.
In fact, if you’re upset about the what he has done (or not done) and said (and not said) then at least you can progress to anger and move on from that and grieve the relationship and get over him.
If you’re crying because you’re not with a chump assclown and you miss his company/the sex/how he made you feel on his good days, you will sit in the land of limbo because crying about these things when there are bigger things to concern you about him suggests that you’ve got the reality of him and your relationship out of whack.
In fact, the likelihood is that if you’re indulging in the latter, you’ll be obsessing about him and the relationship and if you’re doing this, it means you’re placing yourself in the eye of the storm and putting the blame on yourself.
Was it me? Was I not good enough for him? What if I hadn’t said that thing on day 22 of the relationship? What if I hadn’t been so busy at work? Maybe I should have been more patient? Maybe I pressured him too much and he felt cornered? Did he cheat because I wasn’t giving him what he wanted?
Just like the way you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink; you can lead an assclown to your idea of what relationship you can have but if his hearts not in it and he has one or both feet out of the relationship, or his penis in someone else, nothing you say or do is going to make any real positive difference. Instead you’ll prolong the agony whilst you’re buying time to avoid making a decision.
I’ve cried a lot of tears and obsessed about the shoulda/woulda/coulda moments. Tears, upset, anger, a bit of blame, maybe a bit of shame are all expected when you break up with someone you’re emotionally invested in.
But…and there is a but – when you get treated poorly, you’ve gotta take off the blinders. This is why even though I have a trail of poor relationships in my past, I stopped going back because my head and heart may have been saying ‘But I’m crazy about him/We had a great connection/I miss him/I want him/Maybe I was a bit hasty’ and then reminders would pop into my head about the assclown behaviour and I’d hold that thought and suffer it out and get angry instead of getting teary and rejected.
When you get angry and get real about them, you reject them. Yeah you may feel rejected by their behaviour but if you get over them and you don’t go back to these chumps like they expect you to, the final rejection actually comes from YOU.
So if you’re crying, go on with your bad self and shed those tears but you’d better check in with yourself and double check why you’re crying. If it’s because you miss him and want him badly but he’s an assclown, you need to do a reality check because the fact that he is an assclown is a signal to you that you’re barking up the wrong tree and that you need to find a way to get over him.
It’s always good to keep it real, even if it’s painful to look at because you can make progress and ensure you don’t fall back down a slippery slope.
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.Add to favorites