I get asked quite a lot about what I think are indicators that a guy may be cheating and whilst it was tempting to do a definitive list, I felt that a real life tale would do a far better job.

Kelly went out with Joel for seven years yet she had very rarely stayed at his place. From the outset, Joel felt it best that she didn’t come around to his place as his sister, who he lived with, had an illness and she wouldn’t be able to cope with visits from her. He was so routine – he had gym on a few of the days, plus football with the guys, plus a night out with the guys normally figured so he only saw her at certain times, on certain days and she wasn’t allowed to call him after 10pm. He had met most of her family and friends but she had hardly met any of his and hadn’t met any of his family. He rarely stayed over pleading tiredness and a necessity to be at home with his sister should she need him for anything. There was no sign of marriage or moving in and he would become irate when she pressed these issues with him. Occasions such as Christmas, New Year and Easter proved to be awkward because he could very rarely be around for them and she became frustrated last Christmas and New Year when he couldn’t be pinned down about meeting up and spending time together. They had a blazing argument and they didn’t speak for a few days and Kelly fumed that she was unable to get in touch with him and also felt suspicious.

Now I must interject here and say that within two lines of my friend telling this story I knew the outcome because as far as I’m concerned, there rarely is a different one when men exhibit these types of behaviours.

Kelly decided to go around to Joel’s place and parked outside his and waited for him to turn up. He turned up after a while and she waited until he was in the flat before she went up and rung his doorbell and a woman who looked very far from being a frail, sick and debilitated woman, that she recognised as his sister from pictures, answered the door. ‘Can I speak with Joel please?’ and to her disbelief his sister said that he wasn’t there. ‘I KNOW he’s in there! I just saw him walk in!’ but his sister stood her ground and Kelly eventually gave up.

When she left, she got a furious call from him demanding to know what the hell she thought she was playing at and she explained that she had just wanted to speak with him because he was ignoring her calls. He ranted and raved at her and told her that he hadn’t come to the door because he thought she was psycho and to leave him alone.

Galvanised by a certainty that seemed rather unpleasant, she did a bit of searching on the internet and discovered that according to the electoral roll, Joel wasn’t registered to the address that she had visited, but to another address with a different woman, in a different town miles away. She drove there the following day and waited outside until a woman turned up. What ensued was the discovery that this woman was his girlfriend of nine years who he lived with and a rather unpleasant revelation that she (Kelly) was the woman he’s been cheating with for 7 years.

Now to anyone with half a brain’s ears, the writing was on the wall with this tale and it is frightening how this woman was in a relationship with a man who very clearly was not being honest with her. Yes this guy is an asshole, but I’m going to turn the tables back to us. I get scared when I realise that as women we have a rather unpleasant habit of ignoring the signs, the red flags because we prefer to believe and subject ourselves to a half life. The person that told me this story was a friend of Kelly’s and I actually said that I was disappointed that as her friend who had clearly thought that there was something seriously wrong with this guy, that she had said nothing. Whilst we can’t live the lives of people that we care about, I do actually think that it’s wrong to say nothing at all when you see a friend who is clearly in danger.

But back to him – He gave her all of the clues that she needed without having to actually tell her that he was cheating.

Too routine Guys that are cheating tend to be quite rigid about their routine as they are juggling a double life. Obviously if your man is anal retentive in general about his life, please move on from this point, but if he is routine coupled with other signs, it is unlikely to spell anything good.

You haven’t met his friends or family. Be suspicious of any man who hasn’t integrated you into his life after a significant period of time. Even if he’s not cheating, if he can’t include you in his life and introduce you to that aspect of his life, he’s unavailable anyway.

You can only phone at certain times. I don’t think that there is any good excuse for this behaviour. Of course none of us want to be calling up at all hours of the night, but when your man is saying crap like ‘Only call me before 9pm’

Bullshit stories. Beware of crock of sh*t stories that contrive a situation where you can’t be a part of an aspect of his life or it prevents you from coming into contact with his family and friends. If it smells like BS, it’s because it probably is. 7 years is way too long for her to have believed that tale!

Occasions and going out. Does he find it difficult to be pinned down about arrangements or come up with an excuse as to why he can’t be with you for things like Easter and Christmas? Be on high alert for broken arrangements aplenty.

Be careful of enablers. You’d be amazed how many cheaters have a supportive network of people supporting their lies. If you suspect his mates have been giving him cover and telling you porkies, it’s likely he has something to hide, especially if they tell you bare faced lies.

Never seen his home. Or you’ve only seen it during the day say at work hours. I don’t trust any man that can’t invite me to his home, even if he does live with mummy. Likewise, if you’ve only seen his place during work hours and he keeps you in the sitting room or you get the feeling that there is another woman living there, be alert.

At the end of the day, we often have all the answers that we need right in front of our eyes without having to ask any guy a God damn thing. Use your brains and pay attention to the signs. Don’t be so keen to believe the hype – the dream is actually a nightmare. Ultimately you’re settling for the crumbs and no woman worth her salt should want that!

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