Consistency is a landmark of healthy relationships and yet many of us resist it because we associate some of the fluctuations that are experienced from inconsistency with spontaneity, which can also appear to pave the way to the likes of passion, excitement and chemistry. Now I don’t deny that having a level of spontaneity in life full stop, is something that we can all build into our lives but when we are spontaneous about how we uphold our boundaries and live by our values, our lives are haphazard.
When living happily and authentically is what we consistently do, the odds of what we do spontaneously being in line with this are very high. If, however, we don’t have a good grasp on who we are plus we’re prone to people pleasing and so trying to influence and control other people’s feelings and behaviour by being compliant even at the expense of our own needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions, the odds of our spontaneity being a reflection of our true selves is mighty slim.
Now throw a third party into the mix who has their own relationship with boundaries and values: If they’re in the camp that gets boundaries, then regardless of whether we uphold our boundaries or not, they’re likely to be behind the line, but if they take their cues, not from their own internal guidance per se or even what they know in general to be right and instead get the measure of things via cues from what they perceive as the length and breadth of what we’re OK with and how that fits with the opportunity to ‘get’ something, they will maximise exceptions either at the time or store them, even if it’s subconsciously, in their long-term memory to bank at a later date.
So let’s imagine that you’ve made an exception in the early stages of dating someone because you felt as if they had a lot of potential and didn’t want to scupper your chances. It might have felt like an investment in your joint future. You might have regarded this exception as a one-time thing and even moved on from it but it, along with what they regard as other inconsistencies even if they were smaller and didn’t even ping on your own radar, have been filed as evidence or even ammunition to get you to change your mind at a later date [about the boundary or another one]. They boundary bust at various sizes which makes it confusing because if they go smaller than previous, you might not want to appear to be picking them up about everything not realising that it might get turned back on you at a later date.
It’s for this very reason (not having passed-over boundary issues blow back up on you in the future) that I encourage people to strive to be authentic while dating so that if and when an issue arises, they deal with it rather than having a conditional attitude towards themselves which results in a conditional attitude to the application of their boundaries.
If something happens that pings on your discomfort, it’s a cue to be more boundaried.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s time to sit that person down and explain your boundaries but what it does mean is that you need to snap out of whatever fugue state that’s been brought on by dating so that you can be conscious, aware, present and boundaried. In this way, you are clear in your intentions if you choose to let something pass rather than flitting with your boundaries because you think that it will reward you with a relationship. When you’re intentional in your decisions, you won’t wind up feeling ill-done-by because you will consider the consequences and even communicate with the other party about it as opposed to reacting to a situation and then making the exception as a way of temporarily dispelling tension that’s bound to return when another issue arises. It might not even be a major issue but if you make exceptions and something else comes along, it’s very possible that you will feel resentful because on some level you hoped that the issue would disappear.
Many of us assume that it’s inherently understood that it’s an exception that we’re making, even assuming that the person knows our special reasons for doing so. We are too assuming and yes, too trusting that it won’t be misinterpreted or taken advantage of.
Many of us also assume that we should only have to make a boundary clear once. This means that if we have a poor relationship with our mother and we finally speak up about what it is that bothers us, we expect that to be the end of it and often grit and kiss our teeth about ‘having’ to maintain that boundary consistently. Interestingly though, sometimes we take making the exception as a sign in and of itself of us making the boundary clear, again assuming that the other party knows that what they’re doing is a problem for us or a problem in general. On some level we hope that they will feel guilty and so feel obliged to ‘do the right thing’.
When we’re inconsistent with our boundaries no matter the reasons for doing so, we’re sending mixed messages. It’s our job to be consistent with our boundaries, not to police others about how they uphold our boundaries all while having an inconsistent inner relationship with our boundaries that results in inconsistencies in our actions.
If we’re haphazard in our application of boundaries, they can come across not as boundaries but as reactive and punitive measures that are aimed at trying to shift things on to our agenda.
If we’re consistently being ourselves then we know where we stand plus we won’t grapple with grown-ups who seem to want to test the waters with how much they can get away with and then argue about how unfair it is that they’ve busted our boundaries before and are not being given the green light to do so this time.
Some people cannot handle exceptions and it’s our job to recognise this so that we don’t keep doling out the exceptions and expecting them to respond differently. We don’t need to be perfect with boundaries (no one is) but what we do need to be is consistent because we feel the pain when we make exceptions. We wonder how doing what felt like a good thing can end up feeling so bad.
When you’re consistent, you have a lot of clarity about what feels good and right for you. Before you decide to turn a blind eye to something, ask yourself whether you have consistent experience over time to warrant you making such a decision. If not, get grounded!
Your thoughts?
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“Many of us also assume that we should only have to make a boundary clear once. This means that if we have a poor relationship with our mother and we finally speak up about what it is that bothers us, we expect that to be the end of it and often grit and kiss our teeth about ‘having’ to maintain that boundary consistently. Interestingly though, sometimes we take making the exception as a sign in and of itself of us making the boundary clear, again assuming that the other party knows that what they’re doing is a problem for us or a problem in general. On some level we hope that they will feel guilty and so feel obliged to ‘do the right thing’.”
I genuinely felt like I was giving my ex the benefit of the doubt but because I made an exception, he expected me to continue doing so even though it clearly made me unhappy. He would never address the fact that his behaviour was an issue and instead he focused on reminding me that I had let it slide previously, almost making out like I was stupid. I got tired of arguing with him. It was like having a teenage son!
Do immature men with poor boundaries ever grow up? I am so worn out and tired of feeling like the bad guy when I try to explain my resentments and my boundaries. I feel co dependent and dysfunctional . It’s been one of the saddest experiences of my adult life.
Do immature men with poor boundaries ever grow up? — NO
I disagree. They may if it gets painful for them – they start to feel the consequences of their immaturity and poor boundaries. Not saying to stick around to see if that’s going to happen, mind you. I wouldn’t. Simply saying, like with us, it is possible. It has to be a conscious decision.
Remember how when you were 13-18 and first started dating and you were much more mature than boys?
That carries out exponentially throughout our lifetimes for various reasons, including it’s usually females who have a vision of marriage and family life while boys still think horseplay and farting etc. is really cool. Later on, it’s drinking a lot, playing video games, excessive promiscuity etc.
Not saying that our visions are *good ones* b/c it is largely based on princess-rescuing-knight in shining armor fantasy, but at least the idea of some sort of stable partnership is there — early on.
Have you ever met or dated a man-child in the 50-60 year old range? Or for that matter, just a man-child significantly older than you (5+ years)?
I’m sticking with NO — until I meet and successfully date a man under 50 and/or within 5 years of my age.
Hell-to-the-NO, immature men with poor boundaries don’t ever grow up.
They rarely feel or suffer consequences of their behavior b/c there’s always some poor soul they can find to suffer or “try to change” him or “hope he changes.
Amen.
Holy Schmoly Batman, I am thinking right now of all the times I’ve given “special dispensation for you”. Like, “I just want to know how special you are because I don’t do this for just anyone….” Ummmm, funny now I forget how many times I’ve said that. Which says that person really isnt so special and Im the one doing the boundry busting…to myself.
Valerie Esqueda – that’s so funny, because I do the same thing. And you’re right, we do it so often that it really isn’t special at all! It’s just us being boundaryless (and kidding ourselves in the process)…
Wow! Did this pop up in my email at the right time??
I’ve had many relationships over time, all of which had ended by allowing my boundaries to pushed & walked over in each one. I went into therapy for 3 years and came out knowing how strong I am, how nice I am and how to set my bouderies. Or so I thought, I met a guy 4 months ago when I moved into a flat in a converted old house, so much character and a stunning view of the sea. I felt alive, ready to step back into society & friendships once again. In the top flat was a guy with whom a close friendship has blossomed, it felt like everything in my life had started to come together for the first time. We are affectionate with each other, kiss, hug & see each other every day, we laugh, we walk, we share meals, the only thing we haven’t shared so far is the bedroom, and at this moment I feel very grateful for.
This evening we went to our local pub which has a jamming session each week. From the very moment of sitting down I started to sense something, a kind of distance between us, at one stage he just picked up his jacket & went outside to the smoking room, I could feel the distance stronger. After a few hours he asked what was wrong with me, I said I didn’t know but I do know there seems to be a big distance between us, he said he didn’t feel there was any problem. With that this woman came over & joined us, or rather him, and she got up close to him & went on about how great the night was when they were dancing & she was shaking her hair over him. She then looked over to me & gasped and said she didn’t mean that anything was going on that night between them. I got up, picked up my bag & walked out. As I was walking out she tried to explain, then she said sorry to him to which he replied ” it’s alright” pheeeeww knocked me out. At the time of them having so much fun that night I was having an operation.
I walked home, picked up my iPad to distract myself & saw your email in my box, the only word I could focus on was BOUNDRY, I needed to read, my boundaries have been walked over & it’s hurting, how could I be fooled again, where did my boundaries vanis to in order for him to think it is acceptable. The hardest thing going through my thoughts is omg I have deep feelings already for this guy, will I be strong enough to stay away, or will I allow my boundary to be shifted when he feels the need to shift it. Am I over reacting? Am I thinking that to find an excuse to say to myself it’s ok, it’s just me.
Never expected this, it’s hurting so bad
Deborah, if you’re affectionate with each other, but haven’t slept together, why can’t he see other women? You haven’t formed an agreement of being exclusive – you’re just friends… If you felt a distance between you that night, it may be because he *had* met someone and wanted to distance himself from you so as not to get too close or lead you on. To me, that demonstrates healthy boundaries – not that he’s violated your boundaries…
And now, when you think he’s got someone else, you’re suddenly interested in him in a romantic way, which says more about your own issues, not his. Do you have other friends to go out with as well, or have you kind of attached yourself to the neighbour? That’s something I’m familiar with as well, and I feel when it’s happening now…
I’m doing one of Natalie’s courses at the moment, but when I’m finished this one I definitely want to do her course on boundaries – I didn’t even know what they were until a year or so ago, so a lifetime of being boundaryless. I really want to get this sorted too! I wouldn’t worry too much about it all – just relax and enjoy the friendship, and maybe make some other friends as well. You may just be feeling a bit embarrassed…
Hi cindy, we had made an agreement to be exclusive to each other, just because we haven’t had sex does not mean it’s not a committed relationship, it mean I’m being a lot wiser than I had in the past.
It’s not even about the woman, it’s about how he was trying to tell me my instincts were wrong, yet after what happened it was obvious that my instincts were not wrong.
& yes I do have issues, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be on this site trying to avoid past mistakes of mine.
Sex or lack thereof have nothing to do with a relationship valued on love, care, trust, respect et. al.
Someone telling you your instincts are wrong when they are proven right in front of you=gaslighting.
RUNNNNNNNNNN!
That plus another woman when it sounds like he should have been at your sickbed=a classic emotionally unavailable man.
RUNNNNNNNNNNN!
If you don’t get out now, it will get worse. He has tested you in at least 2 ways to see how bad he can be whilst you still stay — hurt and confused, I might add, which is what he needs to control you or worse.
RUNNNNNNNNNNN!
So sorrrry, luv, best wishes.
If you and a guy are emotionally close to one another, whether or not you’ve made an agreement, he still needs to verify with you before he goes off messing around with someone else. The alternative is that you just jump into bed with a guy the first that you feel connected to him, which I think we can all here agree is usually a bad idea. So instead of that you take your time and get to know him and he you, which kind of gets messed up when he’s screwing around with someone else while you’re in surgery! Also, regardless of whether you’ve promised one another anything, let’s say you’ve progressed to having sex but haven’t declared exclusivity. That’s a great way to get an STD. Regardless of what’s promised? One at a time, please. It is just plain safer and saner for everyone involved.
I think it sounds like you moved too fast with something that wasn’t clarified in the beginning. It’s fast forwarding to a non-relationship. That’s not boundaries IMHO, it’s sweeping yourself off your own two feet. It also sounds like you pursued him for a relationship he didn’t indicate he wanted — it sounds like you have more feelings for him than he does for you, based on your description of his actions.
Even WITHOUT SEX! It is difficult to sort things out once they become or seem physical. This guy sounds like one who is fine with the friend zone even though the benefits are not sex, he (and you) think you are in the clear, which you are not. He sounds like (wait for it. . .) someone UNAVAILABLE for a relationship based on love, care trust and respect.
So soooory, luv.
Men are nothing but pieces of s—- as far as I am concerned and I am done with all of them and relationships. All I have had since I was 18 is the same damn relationship over and over with every boyfriend I have ever had and 1 ex husband. And no matter what I did or how nice I was, it never changed. Emotional and physical abuse and absolutely no respect. I’m done. I’ll be 55 in 2 weeks & no more. The last one was with a Playing lying cheating narcissist piece of s—- who I was with for 8 yrs. No more, no thx. I am tired of sobbing my heart out and crying myself to sleep. That jerk was 63 yrs old!
( And please do not tell me to work on myself because this isnt about me, I like myself. This is about something or somebody who doesnt want me to be happy and wants me to end up in misery and stay there. I feel like there is some kind of negative energy around me that wont leave like a bad curse.)
This is just how most guys are. The really heinous bit is it’s possible for them to be like that with one woman but refuse to be like that with another. You would think decency would call for them NOT being like that with ANYONE at all, but apparently not.
Where does it come from? Patriarchal conditioning? A natural side-effect of testosterone? No idea. Don’t care. Conscious choices are still involved here. Stuff like the books Natalie writes are meant to help equip us to protect us against the worst of it, they can’t make bad men decent.
Problem with saying no idea /no care is it keeps going. Yes I think a lot of it is learned from other men but they have mothers, sisters etc. Most men are fair and decent if you know how they think/are conditioned. They have very sensitive about certain things. #masculinitysofragile Please don’t think men aren’t just as bad or worse in their treatment of other men. Karma if you will…most prisons are full of men,most suicides are men,most homicides are men killing other men, most dangerous jobs are held by men.
Yeah there is probably a literal mental segment that is lacking some thing that is critical. I call them emotionally retarded. They have low feelings and struggle to function or understand people with many or sensitive feelings. Probable results being faking feelings, frustrations, insensitive/hurtful incidents followed by lack of understanding etc extending up to intentional abuse & manipulation. You can tell the difference by whether or not if it’s pointed out to them they make an effort to change their behavior or they get defensive ,deny it, and act disrespectful.
We’re all just people trying to get our needs met.But it’s good to remember we’re all different people with different needs and experience and ways of doing such.
Theory is most of the unavailable /assclowns had similar childhoods to the unavailable etc that date marry make excuses etc for them.
They just got “hard” were the other person got “soft” so to speak. Where one person says I’m not going to be like asshole parent the other goes I’m not going to be the “weak” victims of asshole. It’s a mentality and respect thing.
God forbid they had two vile parents and love the chaos.
As a matter of practicality it doesn’t matter as much as looking out for yourself though. Agreed in that regard.
Finding it interesting that there are, of course 2 extreme viewpoints in general represented: Most men are (heinous, etc.) vs. Most men are decent.
Well.
Of course, unless a person is a complete psychopath or sociopath, no one person is all good or all bad.
However. Given that in this forum many, if not most of us have dealt with everything ranging from just plain old emotional unavailability/ass clownery(I personally? would say yes, that’s most men) all the way up to serious abuse, I personally feel safer looking for and discussing and trying to process signs of such (bad) things rather than for signs of decency in a man.
Even a complete psychopath can pretend to be decent in order to hook someone. Same goes for garden variety assclowns who blow hot and cold while we’re all waiting for the nice guy to return.
For me, unfortunately — believing most men are decent is a NO — but *along with* believing most men are assclowns.
I do think, however, in this forum where most people seem to be trying to get some support for varying degrees of bad male behavior — I think for me I’m on the extreme side of “most men are not decent” b/c I think we all need compassion for ourselves, rather than for men-at-large.
Even though in the real world I prefer not to gravitate toward either extreme, in this virtual one I think I gravitate more toward “beware of assclowns and psychopaths etc” b/c that viewpoint supports our experiences. I think a viewpoint of “but he could be decent” indicates that even an assclown has a shred of decency at times — probably true, but who needs it?
Just my opinion and thoughts — it’s hard to process this stuff.
My last serious lasting relationship we both had expectations but failed to communicate some of them explicitly until it created problems. Sad because it would have been a less hurtful ending if it had been done sooner. We had good chemistry & connection & even communication in most ways. He was good company. Think there was so much good in it just avoiding the very serious problem that was somewhat predictable if we’d have discussed the future a bit.
Feel some of the time with men they feel just incredulous that I expect more as relationship should be progressing (although those usually turned out to be cheaters who couldn’t do more ha!). Never sure what is reasonable to expect and forget to check in with myself if it is what I want & healthy for me & him. When I was in lousy relationships that was primarily why.
[Many of us assume that it’s inherently understood that it’s an exception that we’re making, even assuming that the person knows our special reasons for doing so. We are too assuming and yes, too trusting that it won’t be misinterpreted or taken advantage of.]
Guilty. Sometimes I err on the side of not over explaining or even bringing an issue up because it makes me feel defending my choices expecting disagreement and attack. In the moment can justify ignoring it as not being a big deal but later it starts to bother me or is repeated when figured it to be a one time issue.
At some point in my relationship I should be able to trust and not get taken advantage of problem is more when I try my trust luck too early so to speak. In future decided to mention when things more when they happen but in very non threatening way.
I dated a guy for seven months. I waited three before we became intimate. I could tell that he respected me more for that. Although I was doing it for myself-not for him. Dating is a process of getting to know someone. Each step of the way it is important to ask yourself, “How is this working for *me*. Am I being treating with love, care, and respect? Are *my* needs being met?” If the answer is “yes”, then I continue dating the person. If the answer is “no”, then I move on. I stopped listening to what people said and zeroed in on what they did. Thanks to reading Nat’s blog over the years, although I am not perfect at it, I have gotten better at disengaging myself when someone doesn’t respect my boundaries. I have also gotten better at seeing an emotionally unavailable man for what he is. Long story short, this guy (age 61) and I (age 54) had planned on going on an Alaskan cruise together. Right before we were supposed to pay the final deposit, he backed out stating that he could not find a babysitter for his two children (ages 10 and 12), and that his ex-wife was complaining that he was taking too many trips (this would have been his third trip this year). RED FLAG!! I also had to have an outpatient procedure done, and needed someone to take me to the hospital and drive me home. He willing said that he would do it, but a few days before the surgery was scheduled, he backed out and told me to ask my neighbor. RED FLAG!!! I responded by ghosting him. That was four months ago. The knucklehead texts every three day holiday weekend and begs me to come back to him. I laugh, delete his messages, and continue to ignore him. I feel actually feel relieved and at peace now that he is no longer in my life. Life is too short and there are too many beautiful people, places, and things to experience in this world rather than waste time with someone who does not respect, value, and appreciate me. P.S. In lieu of the Alaskan cruise, I treated myself to a guided tour (14 days) to Southern Italy. It was amazing!!
Reacting to
Feel some of the time with men they feel just incredulous that I expect more as relationship should be progressing
and
I dated a guy for seven months. I waited three before we became intimate. I could tell that he respected me more for that.
On exceptions — I feel like much if not most of dating as a process is *based on* making exceptions. Most people of both genders are, in fact, not only “getting to know someone” but also testing boundaries, aka seeing just how much they can get away with before the other person calls them on the behavior, plain out doesn’t engage and/or runs.
Everyone wants to put their best foot forward and minimize any flaws. For women, that’s usually to gain a relationship, for men, that’s usually to gain sex. As such, I make quite a bit of effort early on to look well below the surface of his best efforts. If, early on he’s showing flaws during what should be his charm-phase? Well.
For me, I start looking for things very carefully from the very beginning — little, tiny clues of things that I could see a problem with. That’s b/c “little” exceptions are likely to become BIG, BIG exceptions as time, and sex, progresses.
I think basing moving forward or not with a man based on having sex or not and calling that “dating” or a “relationship” doesn’t work well for women at all at any time, but particularly if the man is older than about 35-40.
I mean — I’ve been known to shut things down with a man to be fixed up with, potentially, within, like, minutes. Because, see, I expect a man of 53 to show me upfront he is emotionally capable and has moved on from an ex. I mean, seriously, I have for real detected that a man has kids and an ex in tow and is not emotionally available as a result BEFORE ANYONE HAS EVEN TOLD ME THAT INFO and BEFORE WE HAVE EVEN SPOKEN BY PHONE OR MET IN PERSON. At which point, when I can smell such a situation, I shut it down, I move on, I don’t wait to “be friends first” or “get to know him better.” I look for emotional availability first — not “common interests” and if he seems smart or wealthy or has a good sense of humor or whatever.
At the very beginning, the one and only question I want answered right away is, “Does this person seem capable of sustaining emotional intimacy?” and I test it. Usually, it’s very simple — even over email, is he asking me how my day was or responding deeper to little bits of info I give about myself? Is he fully present with *me*? Is he making some attempt to be alive as more than basic small talk I could have with anyone off the street?
If not, there is no pass go, from the jump. Seriously — it’s all there for me, everything I need to know about his emotional capabilities in an email or phone call without even bothering to shave my legs and armpits and brows to get ready for “the date.”
People have told me that I “cut things off too early. . .” but I call it something along the lines of not letting exceptions take root. Like, not at all. I look for things in emails and phone calls before I even MEET with a person — things that indicate the man might be emotionally available or otherwise an assclown or even an abuser.
Regina Walker — you’re kind of right where I’m at. I’d like to add though, I think there were red flags before the ones you mentioned. It is unlikely this type of behavior took 7 months to show up, it was there right from the beginning but for some reason, you made exceptions.
For me personally? I have ruled out dating divorced men with children for precisely the reasons you stated. It’s been a long, painful process during which I decided that a divorced man with kids is not a good match for me as a fully single, childless woman. See, whether he’s in the house with her or not, the ex-wife is usually still calling the shots and he just wants a sexual outlet, usually. Doesn’t matter how long he “waits” or “respects you for that.” Sounds to me that’s how things ended up, and it actually pains me that you spent 10 months to get there.
*I* would say? There were signs upfront but you may have unwittingly made exceptions. Did he excuse himself by phone to tend to the kids or the ex? Did he juggle your “dates” around them? After 6 months, that’s a serious relationship possibly heading towards moving in or marriage — did he make it clear that you were a priority?
Or, did you “make exceptions” for the ex/kids situation for 6 months, thinking it was all hunky-dory b/c you weren’t having sex until month 10? And then thinking that b/c there was no sex, the relationship would and should be “progressing and serious” partly, b/c he waited so long for sex and that, combined with being a great father, makes him a good guy?
Me personally? I think a man has to state clearly upfront where he’s at and follow it through with action. I would say that any man that can’t fully articulate where his fault lay in the demise of his previous relationship is a no-taker. 9/10 times, he was not emotionally available in the previous marriage and won’t be in the next relationship– unless he has done some SERIOUS work on himself. But see, he hasn’t had time for that b/c he’s raising kids. The man has had zero emotional growth, irregardless of how long he’s been divorced and/or how old he is.
Anything other than that, any assumptions — those are exceptions we make to get a relationship out of him. Men really don’t tend to give more emotionally as a relationship goes on — we do. We expect more over time and after sex, especially, but often times, there. is. not. more. In fact, oftentimes there is, in fact LESS. I’ve really found that he has to pretty much STATE: “I want to meet your needs in every way, including emotionally.” not just “I want to be your exclusive boyfriend.” The latter usually just means for sex — that’s why they are “incredulous” when we “want more.”
I may have to post again after some kind of feedback b/c this is getting long — I would just conclude by saying something along the lines of that old saying that when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. I say it’s all right there for us at date one — even in the emails and phone calls prior to that–erm — NO EXCEPTIONS.
@JC: We dated 7 months. Since I have been married twice, I do not feel the need to remarry a third time. Nor do I want to live with anyone, or need anyone to be stuck up under me all the time. I enjoy having a special someone to spend time with, but I am fiercely independent and prefer my own space. The ex-bf had a 23 year-old daughter by his first wife. She and I clicked very well. Her dad and went wine tasting with her and her boyfriend (double date); it was fun! The two smaller kids were by his second wife. They were adorable but high maintenance. He had 50% custody. When he was with the kids, I was having fun going to meet ups, concerts, hanging out with friends, etc. Prior to him flaking out on me twice (which was a deal breaker for me), if a minor issue arouse, he would listen, take my feelings into consideration, and make changes when necessary. As far as waiting for sex was concerned, it was what I wanted and I was happy that I did. He did not just want sex, he wanted a relationship, but he simply had too much baggage for me to want to continue seeing him. I do not feel that the 7 months I dated him was a waste of time. We had fun, It served it’s purpose, and when I didn’t, I moved on. I think every relationship is a learning experience. What I learned is that I don’t mind dating a man with grown (independent children), but I do not want to date a man with small children. I also learned that (which has been a long time coming) if I enter into a relationship that works for a while, but stops working for me, I can simply leave. No harm no foul.
Hey Regina Walker! I’m so glad to hear that. So many stories here are absolute heartbreak and wrenched guts, it’s good to hear one(from a lady of a certain age) that sounds more like par for the course — especially in dealing with the pool of men available that are older.
My MO is no pass go, an upfront screening process, but after thinking about it I guess having fun + bailing when things get irritating is another template.
I personally don’t have a lot of patience, though, especially if someone comes into my life starting out as a complete stranger. Particularly if his “package” is over 40 with ex(wife) and young children in tow.
I think once you get a certain age, people should relate to each other in a way for enrichment, not erosion — that used to be called the “campfire rule” — leave in a better state than you started.
Best wishes!
Hello Nathalie, : )))
Your site came as a beautiful surprise present to me for about a week ago and I have been reading for hours and hours ever since. Thank you so much for all your deep insights and explanations. A cherry on my personal growth cake, so to say. :))
I come ” from far” Wow, really far….but have ever since i for 2 years ago decided to cut contact and burn the bridges with the man who I permitted making my life into one big teardrop of obsession and pain, been working on myself every single day. To learn to LOVE myself, protect myself ,to make sure to never let myself down again and to be my very best friend. I have even learned to forgive myself for what happened ( and I even forgave him ( yes, yes .. ) and that was a huge one, to truly forgive myself , because I had this crazy thinking constantly going on in my head, telling me that all this must somehow be because of something i did. Or didn’t . Or just because of course, i’m not good enough, and not enough this and probably too much of that… And I used to feel so humiliated , having been so weak and unable to set healthy boundaries. Not respecting myself. That’s the worst one. Not respecting myself… We HAVE TO; HAVE TO learn to respect and love ourself ! This is so, so important !!!! Finally, after all, I can today say that i’m grateful for what happened . All this made me have to face some fundamental facts about myself , It forced me to grow and I can truly say that i’m rediscovering life.
Back then I thought that I could have a “casual relation” but really , i think i’m just someone too emotional for this kind of game. If i’m in it’s because I really love or like and enjoy someone. Because I respect the person. Otherwise what’s the point? I really don’t get it.
Why see and get naked with someone you don’t have feelings for? Hm… just so empty. Like fastfood. Just take and throw. I don’t care…To make someone jump when we feel for it : No , not now, now !!!
Without personal responsibility.
” My” guy wasn’t even casual. I mean, he couldn’t even play that one correctly. Today I think he has a personality disorder. Narcissistic. But back then I didn’t know such thing existed so I didn’t really understand what was happening to me. I was like totally lost in my crazy emotions and I wanted him so much I couldn’t be honest with myself about ” the relation”, even though he did some really awful f***ing disrespectful and hurtful things to me . Oh god… Forgiving way too fast and easily because of course, this must have been because of me. No ? Because I wasn’t good enough . Somehow that must be the reason , why would he behave in that way otherwise ? And of course, that was also the reason why I became so hooked. Now I had to make everything good again, I needed him to become the lovely person he was in the beginning so that I could love myself again.
Just totally harmful and crazy situation.
The “good” thing about it all was that thanks to him life was screaming out my weak spots to me and I could after having licked my wounds for a while look them straight in the eyes and get in to some serious personal development and growth.
We have to have to take responsibility for our lives.
And learn to love, care for and respect ourselves.
Thats the base for a good , healthy relationship.
Love
I have always it seems got involved with emotionally unavailable men, not terrible people overall but simply not interested in committing or treating me with love, care or respect. They all seem to rely too much on txt messages or Facebook and start off very full on then gradually do a bait and switch. I used to find rejection the most awful awful thing and if a guy broke up with me it would crush me, my last relationship ended 2 and a half years ago and since then I have been totally single, part of the reason is because I had a child but also because I felt like I needed it. I’m still not ready to date mainly because although I’m not desperately unhappy I have twinges of envy whereby i see settled down friends and wish I had the same companionship. Im not sure if this is normal as having a child and living alone can lead to quite solitary evenings